The Question You Should Avoid Asking On A First Date

I want to talk today about one of those recurring first-date questions: Should you be straight with a guy that you’re looking for a relationship?

This is one of those questions that magazine columns obsess over, yet no-one seems to have a straight answer for it.

And it’s a tricky one: on the one hand, you don’t want to come across as desperate by admitting that you’re on a mission to find the one and will stomp on anyone who gets in your way. But then, you don’t want to have to hide your desires, pretending you don’t want a relationship when you secretly do.

How do we solve this dilemma?

Let me explain my position on this, because it might surprise you: you should not let a guy know that you are looking for a relationship on a first date.

This might seem weird coming from me; I’m always telling people not to play silly games like hard-to-get, and I never advocate using tricks to get a man in a relationship.

So why is it so important not to tell a guy you want a relationship on the first date?

Because you don’t!

You are not looking for a relationship. I’ll repeat that again. We shouldn’t just be looking for a relationship!

What we are looking for is the right person.

If we were just looking for a relationship, most of us could be in one within a week. All we would have to do is dramatically lower our standards and we could find someone who would want to be with us. But that relationship would do nothing for us.

Yet, why do so many of us walk around acting as though just being in a relationship is some kind of worthy goal to aspire to? We completely idealize relationships, we envy people who are in them, we feel bitter that other people have someone and we don’t, as we’ve completely bought into the paradigm that relationships are the pinnacle of success.

And are they? NO! Tons of relationships suck, they have no passion or fun, they consist of two partners who are bored of each other’s company, or who resent each other, or who haven’t had sex in ten years!

I understand though, when we’re on a first date, we don’t want to waste any time. We want to make sure that the guy knows what we’re looking for, and if he doesn’t like it, he can just leave right there and then.

There are two problems with this though:

  1. Just looking for a relationship scares a guy – it makes him feel like you are using him to cover up your own loneliness. This neediness scares him off.
  2. Most men don’t know they want a relationship until they have fallen for you.

Let me explain point 2. Contrary to popular belief, men are always assessing a woman’s relationship potential on a first date. He won’t tell you that because often he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. But – he hasn’t decided he wants a relationship yet.

A guy can be on a first date and be completely excited and blown away by the woman he’s with, and still if she turns around and says “are you looking for anything serious right now?” he’s going to suddenly be ambivalent. Because he hasn’t had time to seriously fall for this woman yet.

When I look back at some of my longest relationships, if you had asked me on the first date of that relationship what I was looking for, I probably would have said, “I’m just enjoying dating and being single right now”. Because at that point, that’s what I genuinely believed. And yet, within a month I was in a relationship.

A first date shouldn’t be an interview for a relationship. A first date should be geared around pure enjoyment – the only important questions are: Do I have fun with this person? Do I feel attracted to his personality? Is there an emotional and physical connection?

This is what first dates are for. Until we know the answer to these questions, there’s no point in asking our date what they are looking for in the long-term.

Besides, as I have repeatedly learned: what men think they want on a first date, and what they want on a third or fourth date can be very different things. Wait until you’re more certain about him, before you find out what he’s looking for.

What other things do you think should be left out of first-date conversation? Be sure to leave a comment and let us know!

###

Update: Our last UK Women’s Weekend of 2012 is taking place on November the 17/18th in London. This is the flagship event of GetTheGuy where the my team walk you through the complete A-Z of how to transform your love life, in two days of complete immersion. On the Saturday night of the event you even go and practice what you’ve learned live in London’s central venues. You will have never seen anything like it!

Don’t wait till 2013, take action now! Check it out here.

 

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51 Responses to The Question You Should Avoid Asking On A First Date

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  1. Louise says:

    Great advice, as usual! :D Thank you so much!
    (& thank God I have never asked that)

    I have a question lingering in my head: what exactly is “playing hard to get”? I’m worried if I unconsciously do that.

    Thanks in advance, I’m looking forward for your reply <3

  2. Irene says:

    Hi Mathew…
    I have been seeing this guy for about 1 1/2 months now. He is 48 and I’m soon to be 43. Things are going great I see him every weekend and we spend some weekdays together as well sometimes. We are even making future plans together to do stuff.
    We are affectionate and hug , kiss and we show each other our affection in public and around friends. We have not slept together and he hasn’t tried anything at all. We are planning to go away for the weekend in a few weeks for my bday. I want to know if he doesn’t try anything is there something wrong or is he just being respectful. Ps. My friend’s think something is up. Please help to ease my mind
    Sincerely
    Irene Moraga

  3. Pingback:Romance isn't just for teenagers… | Holiday Goodness

  4. Mara says:

    Hi,

    This article is a very good point of view! But I guess that we forget something very important! Relax people relax! On a first date is not important to fix on a question is important to trying to know the person in front of us better! This question is more important for our self than to the other person, we must ask our self if we want a relationship with that person, we must ask if we have at least 2 or 3 things in common!
    I starting to thing that this hole thing with the perfect love and the perfect relationship is a strong marketing strategy! I never heard in my life about a couple that hadn’t have ups and downs in their relations. We must believe but first of all we must live, feel and try to see beyond the curtain and stop with this fixed question that is nonsense!
    Peace & love everybody!

  5. Ghizlane Staouti says:

    Fantastic! I love this article! So helpful!! Can I know what other things the guy wouldnt like to be talked about other than the subject of “relationship” ? Thank you in advance! :)

  6. Hermione says:

    Hi Matt and Bloggettes,

    I’m new to this site, saw Matt’s video on youtube (where you can find everyone and everything…) But this was a good find. I started out researching body language for business and political relationships, as this is my arena. One site took me to MH, so here I am.

    I happen to counsel Single women and men; qualifier, I am a Christian, Singles Minister, so my group is different, but not so much. They all want relationships, they all want love and marriage. So it’s the same goal, just different mindsets on how to get there.

    I do agree that you should not tell a guy (or girl, because in America, depending on where you live, or your profession, women are as elusive as the men) that you are looking for a relationship. I believe it is a known fact that human beings desire companionship, and depending again on the person, they may want something deep and long lasting, or just a casual acquaintance. However, most are out there looking for the “one” and I know in the back of everyone’s little brain, when they are out on a date trying to be clever and spontaneous and funny, (particularly women) is that little voice saying “is he/she the one”. Guys are not as comfortable with their emotions, thus the small voice is somewhat muted, and they fall off the cliff of being non committal. However, I have the pleasure of speaking to thousands of singles (im part of a mega church) in a very busy metropolitan area, where it is said women out number men 4 to 1. I get to help them on their quest for “the one”. My groups religious disposition, of course, leads them immediately to dating with the intent to marry, nothing so casual as the club scene (although some do experiment with that also).

    My point is, every single is looking for love, barring some unfortunate disaster in their past that is in need of healing, Singles want to connect. Whether by choice or the accidental “oops, Im in love and it’s too late to get out” type of connection, everyone single wants to be connected with their soulmate. So whether by your craftily skillful seminars, or by the hand of fate, Singles will find love and connection (prayerfully happiness as well), so long as they dont give up the fight. It all reminds me of the song “The Warrior” by Scandal & Patty Smyth. We do create the life and the love we desire, but we have to be willing to fight for it. I am such a romantic for throwing all things to the wind, losing all for love…but cautiosly and with wisdom.

    I look forward to newsletters, more videos and I may even attend an event. Even though doctrinally we may not agree on all things, there is a bit of wisdom to be found under some unlikely stones.

    Kudos to you MH. Keep up the good work and keep arming those “warriors”.

  7. Sara says:

    Great post thanks. I think I need to read this again as I always seem to say the wrong thing. Think its my nerves! There mmust be a handsome man out there somewhere for me.

  8. Ecee says:

    Wow, guys I love your site, blog, videos, everything. Your attitude is so bang on and exactly how it should be, I hope you reach more and more women with your work and also men !

    I genuinely believe, especially here in Ireland, women and men can’t just enjoy been single for what it is at that moment and just know yes, some day they want to meet the right person for THEM, not the right now man to fill some ridiculous insecurities at the time.

    I have some thoughts and blogs myself on this topic from time to time, would love to know what you think xxx

    Keep up the great work, and try inject some into Ireland when you can ;)

  9. nancy says:

    awesome article. I feel like i m back on track to finding my mr right =)

    relationship doesn’t mean anything if the person isnt right. us enjoy the date.

  10. Petya says:

    Hey Matt,
    It was so interesting and useful article. I will try the things, that you wrote.
    I think this shouldn’t be asked on a first date.
    “Can I kiss you?”-If you met the person 15 min. ago. If it is at the end of the date, I think it’s ok. In my opinion, if he asks this too soon first, the man wants to skrip the conversation and don’t want to get to know you as a person.Second,I am sure he wants to go faster to the sex part.
    I had a date with a person, who asked me this 2 years ago. After he started to kiss me, he didn’t let me to tell a word. I understand everything clearly, when he wanted to invited himself to my home.I refused of course. After that, he walked alone disappointed, but I was happy.He knew what he wants, but I knew for myself too and I didn’t let him to use me. I was so proud of me.:)

    PS:Your advices help me a lot.Thanks that you doing this. Have a nice day! :)

    Yours faithfully

    Petya

  11. ambi says:

    what if he asks you, are you looking for a relationship right now?
    i find that awkward and like i’m backed in a corner…. i have a mini freak out.
    and then they ask me why am i single? then after my answer i havent found anyone i wanted to share my life with yet and having fun.
    they then ask me what were the men like or were they all idiots? my answer never seems enough for them.

  12. Louise says:

    Hi Matthew,

    Can you write about how to know if you’re being used as a rebound? It would be very helpful!

    Thanks :)

  13. Anneke says:

    Hi Matt and team!

    like your articles and videos in general, but have some concerns with the last one, so decided to comment.
    It’s all good about just having fun on a first date. Then comes second/third one and here a difficulty emerges.
    My situation: I’m 31 and have a son half of the time. The actual time that I can spend on dating is limited. The tendencies with dates look like:
    1) We are not a match/don’t like each other. — Normal situation, nothing to discuss.
    2) I’m asked for sex on a first date. — A huge turn off for me; I don’t continue communication with that man.
    3) I’m asked for sex on a second/third date. If I refuse, then I don’t receive any more attention form the man. — Understand them perfectly, we just have different goals for dating.
    4) We mutually like each other. But relationships turn to dialogues: “Are you free tonight? Yes? I come to your place (to f**k you) at 8. — I’m not happy with this type of dating either.

    It continues for the last three years. I’m tired of this label “single mom is only for sex/single moms crave for sex, they are easy ones to get” (I’ve read it on guys forums)

    So, how can I save my time on players if I won’t tell them that I want a relationship? I understand that guys probably don’t want relationships immediately, but at least I hope they are mature enough to realize the possibility of it for themselves?
    If a guy goes around with the flag of casual dating, it’s ok, but I don’t want spend my time on him, even fun time.
    What’s your advice, Matt? I’m not in a rush, my life goes on with my son, friends, job, but personal life seems to be over. It’s sad.

  14. Rhoda says:

    Hi Matt,

    This is a good one,i like it.

    What if a guy tries to get physical on the second or third date .Do you still have to wait to ask/tell the relationship quastion?

    This applies also to guys who ask you tell them that you love them on the first date.It puts me off.

  15. Catt says:

    Also, I would say it’d be helpful to talk about what it means to be looking for the right person to spend your time with instead of a relationship. What’s the focus difference?

  16. Catt says:

    Great advice Matthew. Completely agree that people are not looking for a relationship, so if we keep deluding ourselves with that illusion how are we ever going to be genuine?

    Reminds me of the philosophical questioning Michael J. Sandel plays with, which I absolutely love – get what you’re arguing for right, or you’re never going to get it!

    xx,
    Catt

  17. joy says:

    hi Matt. Thanx for your acticle.i felt so bad when a guy on our first date ask me when last did i hv sex?, do i love sex?. Thank u again 4 ur concern and cares.

  18. Lynn says:

    I love your videos. I can read your articles faster than watching a vid. I appreciate both. Thanks!

  19. Rosy says:

    Hey Matt,

    I like reading your article and it interests me much………
    I wish all the guys should be honest with their partners…
    Anyway, thanks Matt for the great advice ……I wish it will work when I have my first date………
    ::)..LOL

  20. Sandra says:

    Thank Matt this is really inspiring!! I never really ask questions, but I do often see nice guys I meet as a potential partners and I should learn to just enjoy myself without expectations. Thanks again!!

  21. Chanel says:

    Hi Matt,

    Thank you for your article. You are right. Seeing other people into a relationship and wondering why it has not happened for me made me upset and even more lonely years on years. I am 35 yrs old and wasted the last decade dating/being with guys who would not either connect or bring me the balance i was looking for. I’ve had low self esteem issues for years because of that.

    Last year I lost my job, my mum passed away and I went into a cycle of depression avoiding friends/family who would flash their happiness to me and shouting me the same questions why you are single, time is ticking about having kids…making me more insecure and depressed and wondering why i was not worthy like them.

    This summer I had decided to go out more thinking not trying to find anyone, and BAM! i went to a social event and two guys were interested in me. The 1st one was loud, making strong eye contacts, touching me/making the high 5 to make sure i would listen to him ; and the second one asked me to keep his bag while he would go around the venue.. after a while i looked up and the second guy was looking at me from a distance while talking to his friend. I thought that was odd. after a few minutes i felt a body contact on my left (the 1st guy was still talking lots on my right) and there he was very close to me (legs were touching). I looked at him and we smiled while still looking. I got the message and he sat there next to me quickly until he decided to leave… I was gutted seeing him leaving and not having had a chance to taking to that 2nd guy.

    The next day i woke up late, checking my email and that guy who came close to me sent me an email through the membership contact list (at 6am on a week-end) asking me out for a drink saying wanting to finish the conversation (that did not really had).

    On the 1st date, he told me straight away “i want nothing from you’ while pointing his hand at me. That killed me inside… but i kept a brave face and tried to enjoy the moment. It lasted an hour or two then he directed the conversation into the topics he wanted (i realised he had researched about me online… and i starting doubting his real intensions..). He kept saying he was happy in this own, not looking for anything.. Before excusing himself he asked me if i was single. I laughed and while having a surprise face and answered there is no guy. He did not believe me and there started the questioning… when was your last relationship, why it did not last, who was the guy, why you had not sex since… then he concluded I had issues/baggage saying “The pattern for some people repeat itself and these kind of people cannot see it of move forward’. I thought he was an A_ _ and that we would never see him again. He sounded cold and calculating and he made me feel i am not a worthy person and he sounded like he was too good for someone like me.

    I said bye and he asked to meet again. I said yes, thinking hummm it did not go that well and he is too judgmental so forget it. Guess what.. he texted again after a week to meet up. After all I thought he wants nothing lets just have a good time. The second date he was more opened. We talked about his job, politics, his views… at time he would be a bit sharp telling me i did not get his point. There he was again.. being rude. I thought this is it is not the kind of energy i like. It was time to leave and then he asked me to join him as he was hungry and as he travelled from far to meet me so i accepted.

    We went for a meal, I let him decide on the meal to share (as i had paid for the drinks earlier). He recalled everything I said on the 1st date, he came with more questions and opinions. He appeared extremely negative about relationships, marriage, the bad experiences for his friends (I thought because he was talking about himself) and then he brought up the sex subject. He shouted the SEX word at least 3 times within 15 seconds loudly in the restaurant. I was was sooo embarrassed.. that was laughable. i people around us were looking. He then said he knew people on a relationship who sleep around that that is a good thing as nobody in life should commit to anything. Then he told me he had a GF but my impression was there were still together and he wanted casual fun. I stood my ground and told him sorry but if that opened relationships that his are looking for, then they should be to Brazil as the over there I was offered sex all the time and people are very opened/flexible. He was not happy about my answer and I gave him an eye contact saying i am decent women and i yes can be rude as well.

    We left and we never met again.

    I learnt in this process
    – go with the flow and listen to watch the signs while remembering to actually watch the signs (some men are manipulative and liars)
    – not to accept second best and equal their energy/confidence
    – look beyond a male pretty/sexy looks and when he flashed it to you, do not fall into the trap
    – if he is not a decent man he will reveal it by himself as he had a game plan and shoot him when you know this not it so actually remembers they are decent woman who deserve the respect they gave them at the 1st place.

    Of girls, i will attend November the 17th event and I look forward to learning more from Matthew’s team as i am ready to find the right guy and not waste any more time with losers.

    ps: no offence about Brazil, it is a beautiful country with beautiful people. I only told him that was an example because he had not been there.

    Chanel

  22. Lisa says:

    Another few things that shouldn’t be said on a first date:
    1. “Can you believe how hard the dating world is? I mean, I slept with a guy last week who told me he had herpes.”
    2. “Tick Tock. My eggs are drying up.”
    3. “I met my last boyfriend in jail.”
    4. “What is your penis size?”
    5. “I love you.”

  23. Maria Paz Capunong says:

    Thanks Matt for all the info and updates you’re sending me. I enjoyed reading every single suggestion you’ve given/shared. Well, about questions that one should avoid during first date, I think it would be better to just keep quiet for a while, let the guy ask first and there and then one would know what kind of guy she’s dating and she can just ask question that would interest the guy. As a girl, I don’t want questions that are too personal during first date..I would like questions that answer spontaneously where the natural me is revealed. This too applies to the guy I’m dating. he should be honest in answering the questions I’m asking and with that I would know his values and interests. Thanks Matt, how I wish I personally know you. you’re a great guy I suppose, the one that I would have as a perfect date.

  24. Caroine says:

    Hey Matthew,
    I never usually comment but I just had to thank you for this article. I’ve never asked a guy that question but often thought about it. And I think it got to a point where I just saw every cute guy I met as a potential partner. Always wanted to be one of those couples you see in the movies. Completely overlooking the fact that I don’t just want a relationship. I want it with the right guy. From now on I promised myself I’ll just try to enjoy it while it lasts and just have fun like you said. I love reading your articles and since my phone can’t open videos I always have something to keep me entertained on the way to work or just before I doze off to sleep. Keep on with the good work and thank you so much, again. :) x

  25. Jill says:

    As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to understand how important it is to really get to know the person before getting into a relationship. As human beings I think in some way we are always looking we aren’t meant to be alone except those few hermit types who just don’t like being around others, period. Remember to enjoy the moment and don’t become obsessed with getting into a relationship be obsessed with becoming your best self. I personally feel if you strive to be your best and put yourself out there he will find you. :-)
    I hope this made sense I’m doped up on cold meds

  26. Ada says:

    Hi Matt, I thoroughly enjoy reading your blogs & watching your video – kudos to the entire team! & keep more coming :) because it’s truly another p.o.v. I often haven’t considered … You single-handedly gives me hope that there are emotionally aware men out there, ha aha!
    Cheers
    A

  27. Cynthia says:

    Matt, your articles are a breath of fresh air when you consider the pap that is out there today. Thank you for yet another great post!

    I’ve been online for almost a couple of years now and I can honestly say I wholeheartedly agree with you about how we put so much onus on “being in a relationship” and not just enjoying the moment or each other’s company. Let’s keep in mind however that guys are interviewing us girls too thou. I have been on so many interview coffee dates where the guy literally lays out his term and conditions it’s not even funny.

    We all seem to be in such a hurry to “find the one” and I for one have finally come to a place where I’m cool with the journey. I’m not in a rush anymore. I don’t care if some guy doesn’t text me back or doesn’t call anymore my life still goes on. :)

  28. Lynda says:

    Agree….Enjoying each others company, having fun, doing stuff. Keeping off the heavy topics like babies and marriage.No interview type, box ticking. Discovering his values and morals in the course of general conversations about life, films, books family, travel etc. His values will become apparent in these interactions, then we can decide if we might be happy together in the long term.
    I found a great guy, so I thought, until I discovered that he had a serious drink problem and I don’t drink. He was the one who said he was looking for a serious relationship. It took a little while to discover the drinking. He wouldn’t have admitted that on a first date ‘interview’

  29. Kate Ashford says:

    My question is this…
    Would the third or the fourth date be a better time to tell the guy that you are looking for an relationship? How does one go about it in stead of being being beating around the bush about it. Because if it were me by this time I would differently know if the guy was interested but if I wasn’t sure what I felt toward the guy yet. I don’t know how I would go about it. Or if I was interested I would be intimidated and not direct of what I want.

  30. Genevieve says:

    Last time I went on a couple dates with someone, on the first date he asked about my past relationships. I tried to keep my reply short and vague because I don’t think discussing ex’s makes for good for fist date conversation. Second date he asked about my sexual experiences. Call me old fashioned but I also don’t feel comfortable discussing that with someone who is practically a stranger to me. Those are some no-no’s I’ve experienced. I also dislike when people try to make dates into interviews. I think it’s no fun if you tell someone everything about yourself on the first date, and they tell you everything about themselves. That takes all the fun of getting to know someone, it should be something that takes time.

  31. Rachel says:

    This comment isn’t exactly about this article but I’d like to see an article about how to get an acquaintance to fall for you. That’d be really helpful.

  32. Lucy says:

    Great article Matthew, I completely agree with you! You have to just enjoy being with who you’re with on a first date without getting tied up in the future – very glad you said this :) xx

  33. Sophie says:

    Exes should DEFINITELY be left out on a first date…at this point you should be having fun and representing what a great person you are to be around.

  34. Iris says:

    That was very insightful, thank you.

    Regarding other topics which shouldn’t be brought up on a first date, I believe you’ve said it best when mentioned one should have fun on a first date rather than have their guard up and act like an interrogator. So it’s best to stir away from questions that try to forcefully access a guy’s intentions and motivations.

    I know I wouldn’t like to be on the shoes of someone who’s being scrutinized on a first date — that’s the very reason why I hate job interviews in the first place. lol

  35. anna says:

    …interesting question…..there are 2 sides of the story here….one for the men and one for the women…..so here is goes for the men side…..physical contact, dirty jokes, money issues, ex bf/gf stories, work issues, personal issues/problems…..and the list can go on…..point is to be free and express yourself……with no agenda….ultimate goal of course is the possiblity of “meeting of minds” aka “chemistry”…….and don;t forget to enjoy the ride… ;) have a nice weekend guy’s…

  36. Bárbara Sousa says:

    I always try to leave my “baggage” behind. Of course my past experiences influence me in someway but i always try to have a positive atitude towards new people cause they can always give me something new, even a bad date i know i can learn from it and still have fun about it later.
    I will never be disappointed with a first date cause there are always a million ways it can turn out to be and i believe it is STUPID to think you can have a connection right away with someone before knowing what you´re dealing with… so… always have fun! And if the person isnt right for me, believe me i will have fun anyways ;)

  37. Liz says:

    Hi Matthew,

    Honestly I thought “ah another one of those articles about what to say or what not to say”. But then having read it, I find it very valuable that you gave insights into how men think. I also think “Hey I am looking for a longterm relationship, but maybe with this guy, I can imagine a casual relationship”. So it makes sense to just focus on enjoying each other’s company.

    You’d asked feedback in your email about these blog posts. Keep them coming, it does keep us engaged with your material. But also, you are very good in videos, how about video blog posts some time? In fact, may I suggest the topic of your next article? Say I am a single girl who decides to go more actively to the bars. And instead of having to tag people along and confess to them that I may also be looking for some cute guys, I prefer to go alone. What should I then do? If I have a book with me, then would i be too closed to outside world? But if/when I look around, does that also look desperate? Should I sit at the bar or at a table?

    I tried it the other night. I went to a bar to eat cheesecake and tea (you can do this at a bar where I live). And on one side there were more men, but not enough space at the bar. On the other side, there was a space at the bar, but there were all couples. Then a guy came and sat to me. While we had a lovely conversation with him (I can have that with anyone), the guy was 60 and I am 35… So that did not really help. :)

  38. Jess says:

    Haha I love the photo, they still got the spark! thanks for the post matt, really enjoyed reading it. Definitely agree about looking for the right person and not just a relationship. Thanks again, am blown away and really inspired by all that you do :)

  39. Reena says:

    This is just common sense. You might be looking for a relationship but that doesn’t mean EVERY guy you date is going to be able to give you the kind that you need. It’s about living in the present and being open and conscious of you want to be treated etc. Yessum.

  40. A says:

    Great article, thank you Matthew! If I fancy someone I naturally start thinking long term. But you are right, why should I if I don’t even know the person that well?! So obvious but so easy to overlook. You are definitely a master in shifting one’s thinking:-) x

  41. Faizah says:

    I think we also should leave out complains about life. if I meet someone for the first date and he start complaining about his work, family, previous relationships .. etc – all of these “negative thoughts” would turn me off big time!

    Thanks Matt for this fantastic tip, your work is highly appreciated :)

  42. Kristine says:

    I loved your article as it demystifies the couple which is often thought of as the key to happiness although real happiness can only come from inside and I absolutely agree with you that first of all you should enjoy yourself and have fun on a first date and without asking the question, you’ll often see quickly by yourself if the guy is seriously interested and – more importantly – if you are interested yourself, once you have discovered more about the guy…Other questions that I think should be avoided are those about his previous girlfriends and why it did not work out, what he thinks in general about marriage, children and education – thank u for all your great and very down to earth articles – I love your straight forward and honest approach :-)

  43. Anna says:

    Hi Matt,

    Thanks! This is so true! What I am trying to do is to have more men to have fun with. Eventually I think then the selection will be in a more natural way. The best match. I even dropped the age thing (younger or older). I am still working on it to have (a lot) of interesting funny men around me and how to handle the situation. I mean to be honest with everybody.

    X A

  44. Shopaholic in London says:

    Hi Matthew, thank you for the article… it seems I’ve been doing something right as I get asked that a lot and always answer that I want a relationship with the right person. :-)
    I also get asked lots of interview type of questions- do you cook? how long are you single for? what was your longest relationship? What are you looking for in a guy? what’s your perfect man? List goes on! Am I right thinking that if a guy asks me those interview questions it means he is looking for a relationship or just asking away with no purpose in particular?
    PS I just had a 4th date with a guy that I realised I don’t want to see again, how to tell him that in a nice way?

  45. Aiyesha Deterville says:

    I went on a date a few mths back and what put me off was the guy talking about how his Ex was so wrong for him and all the things she did wrong he even mentioned some personal stuff about her which I thought he should have kept to himself. Then he would go on talking about all the mad relationships he has had that got me thinking if its all true he had never learned and fallen for the same type of women that have the same traits in common it really did get me thinking about the kind if guy he is.

  46. Karen says:

    Hey Matt

    What if the question comes from the guy about what I’m looking for?

    Thanks
    Karen.

    • Karri says:

      Say something funny like – to find a million pounds under the rug. and then smile and giggle. or ….

      make your face all confused and a bit serious and look around as if you’ve dropped something and say oh … I wasn’t aware that I lost anything – he will totally be caught off guard and love it and it will lighten the mood.

      And then don’t answer the question with anything but a You?

  47. Meghan Salov says:

    A couple questions that are total mood killers on the first date: Why are you single? Implies that just because you are single you must have character flaws. Then another question that is bad: How many people have you slept with? Is there even a good answer to this question? If you are honest a large number could be an automatic deal breaker. Also, if you have never had sex, you may feel you are being put on the spot. I thinl questions about sexual pasts are just too explicit for a first date.
    P.S. Have you ever done a blog about internet dating, that may ne interesting
    Thanks,
    Meghan Salov Whitewater, WI USA

  48. Keshia says:

    A guy friend once told me to figure out even before going on a date whether I wanted a relationship with a particular guy…which was insane at best. I think that your method of just enjoying the date and the person is better because first date relationship talk would freak me out as a woman as well. It would make the guy look desperate and me like just some kind of gap filler for him. Ah, love your blog and the recent articles!

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