‘Be Yourself’ – Bad Advice?

Today’s video I’ve been wanting to share with you for a while.

There’s a piece of advice you’ve heard hundreds of times before that could be really holding you back.

‘Be yourself’. Seems like good advice right?

That’s what makes this line so insidious.

On the surface we feel it’s helpful, but the truth is it rarely serves us.

When someone says ‘be yourself’ all it does is give us validation for staying the same and not taking risks.

It’s a polite way of saying, ‘be who you are now, don’t explore being more evolved, advanced, or daring.’

It implies you know who you are, but do you really?

Many of us when asked this look in the rear-view mirror, looking at who we’ve been in the past.

I don’t think that our behaviours and habits are who we are. We should never confuse who we are at our core with the behaviours we’ve adopted over time.

There are parts of ourselves we won’t have experienced in a long time, or that we’ve never experienced because we haven’t pushed ourselves in certain directions.

We find out who we are by having new experiences, adventures, by trying things, figuring out what we like and don’t like, and by judging our actions upon reflection.

But we only know all this when we take chances.

If I had followed the advice ‘be yourself’ I never would have stepped up on stage to start public speaking. I was terrified of it growing up and thought I didn’t enjoy it. But once I began to get good at it, I began to adopt it as part of ‘me’.

We always have to be questioning who we think we are.

When did you decide you were any one thing? And how do you know it’s really true?

Stop trying to sit there ‘discovering’ who you are, and start DESIGNING who you want to be.

Figure out who you want to be and the goals you want to have.

–What type of person do you have to be to achieve these goals?

This is a much more practical question than trying to discover who we are.

Are you choosing the route you’re choosing because it’s really who you are, or are you saying this is who you are to avoid something you’re afraid of?

Keep taking risks, mess around with who you are, try new things, and dabble in different ideas and with different personality traits to come to a conclusion yourself from the experiences you have in your life.

If you want to hear more about this type of stuff, my Retreat program is the place where I really get into this. It’s where I go deep, helping you figure out what you really want from your life. I have one program left this year that’s not sold out in Florida in November. To check out more about it, click here.

Question of the day…

What’s one new personality trait you can try on for size this week? How can you shake things up and do something you wouldn’t normally? Let me know in the comments below!

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

89 Responses to ‘Be Yourself’ – Bad Advice?

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  1. Marina says:

    Dear Mat,

    Thank you for the video and thank you for addressing that topic, for two reasons:

    Firstly, you pointed out the problem of bad advice.
    That is very important as we do receive bad advice constantly, but too often we don’t see it or can’t distinguish the one from the other. Especially in situations when we are lost, vulnerable and very receptive for any kind of advice. You pointed out the silly aspects of the “Be yourself!” imperative, but I think you missed out one aspect, that is also a good guidance to detect bad advice in general. “Be yourself!” directs the focus to the end result of an action, not the action or the process to get there. Similar commands are “Work smart, not hard!” or “Be more effective”. Nobody ever tell you HOW on earth you are supposed to be yourself, just that you are supposed to be.

    When receiving or looking for advice, we should keep certain questions in mind, such as:

    – Does that give me guidance on what to do as a next step, or is it just pointing out a desirable result?
    – Does that advice reflect any personal issues or experience of the advisor, which potentially have little to do with my own situation?

    I am sure you could think of a few more. Maybe you could do an article or a video on that topic: How to receive advice in general. That would be incredibly helpful. In any case it is important not to completely guard yourself against outside influences, but filter them according to your own quality standards.

    Secondly, you are completely right.

    “Be yourself!” assumes that people have a static and well defined personality that they should not alter in order to mask insecurity. That is, as you already explained complete bollocks, because it prevents the idea of a diverse character.

    Personally, I never specifically tried to adhere to the “Be yourself!” rule, but it kept creeping in the back of my mind, especially because a “genuine” character is valued in our society. Even though, people are altering their behaviour all the time automatically depending on the situation. (Naturally you can’t treat your boss the same way as your husband) We magnify certain character traits in certain times, due to necessity. Surely we all have an individual personality, but by trying to pin it to a certain set of very specific traits, we exclude others. Defining myself as shy and introvert prevents me from raising my voice. Defining myself as uncreative prevents me from pursuing certain activities. If we stick to a profile we limit ourselves.

    I took it a step further and consciously abandoned that imperative and actively tried to diversify my personality. It improved my life, my interactions with people and my confidence. Suddenly I realised that I could be whoever I want to be, which was incredibly liberating. It freed me from the guilt and frustration of my past and current weaknesses, because I know that it does not fully determine who I am or will be. It also takes away the fear of “not being enough” as a person in the future. Now I know that there are a million aspects to my personality, which can differ greatly or even contradict each other. Like a piano player, I combine different keys of my personality and create different melodies. There is no limit to myself, so I will always be enough!

    That still does not make me phony or opportunistic, because I do not try to please the expectations of others. As long as I am the one who determines myself and not others, I will always be myself.

    Most recently that change of heart was very evident, as I met a special someone who values exactly that. As you mentioned so often throughout your work, men love multidimensional women. He is no exception. He keeps expressing his admiration for my diverse character. The fact that I don’t need anyone, but can still ask for help; that I can dress very innocent, but act very sexual; be playful and childish, but discuss politics and war at the dinner table; that I make him feel like I need his shoulder and protection, but have no fear to jump down a cliff sky diving. He says he does not miss anything, because he feels like there is always more to discover.

    The best part is there is not only more to discover for him, but mainly for me! I do this for myself, so I don’t have any expectations to limit me. I am much more likely to leave my comfort zone, when that zone does not have clear borders. Without great changes of the circumstances in my life, but a little change in my mind, the future seems like a great place to be.

    Therefore, instead of “Be yourself!” we should tell people, “Be only whoever YOU want to be, not who others want or expect you to be!”

    Thank you for teaching me that!

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  3. Ivana says:

    Matt
    The video is great it made me think, but i disagree being who you are doesn’t mean to shut your self down and do nothing, do whatever you want but if you are not you it’s pointless and fake. Being unique, to do the things at your one way that’s the thing that make us different. I understand your point to expand our mind, to change and try different things but if we are not our self we will be lost. That is what i think. How ever i like you Matt you and thank you :)

  4. Arlette says:

    omg Matthew you are incredible! thank you so much for sharing this.
    before i found you i was so interested about relationships and i wanted to know more about the psychology of people especially couples and i always had certain ideas but wasn’t so sure about it so i looked online and books for guidance some were good some were bad but than i found your videos and i was finally pleased because what i thought how things should be you said the same only in a more deeper level, since than i only read and see what you say!
    thank you for everything :))

  5. Patricia says:

    Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to make these videos, and encourage people like myself to dig a little deeper into themselves so we may be better people than we were yesterday. I have thoroughly enjoyed every one of your videos I have watched, and I have learned a lot about myself, and how I behave in relationships because of them. Because of this, I am not “being myself”, I am striving to be a better version of myself and for that, again, I thank you.

  6. Elise says:

    here in brazil there is a singer how sang: ” Prefiro ser Essa metamorfose ambulante Do que ter aquela velha opinião Formada sobre tudo, sobre o que é o amor sobre o que eu nem sei quem sou”
    witch means: i rather be this ambulant metamorphoses then to have that old opinion made up about every thing, about what its love about what i even not know what am i
    what you said and he said its quite alike means you dont have to stop been you, but you dont have to be afraid to change, to search deeper for yourself on the lil things or the big ones dont be headstrong just for been it take risks and dont be afraid not knowing how is it going to be because nothing is certain you have to make it work for yourself, you can change your mind but your essence is there any way. be yourself doesnt mean dont try, dont grow, means keep you way, heading were you want to be.

    got me?

    kiss

  7. Shasha says:

    :)) thats a new good… thing to know indeed!!!

  8. Leslie says:

    This isn’t so true Matthew. If I ever told someone to “be yourself” around a guy than I’m pretty much telling them not to try and be someone else I.e make yourself uncomfortable. The guy went out with you because of who you are not who you try to be. I understand where your coming from, and I totally agree take risks. Go for what you believe in or go for what your passionate about. Love the hat BTW it looks good on you

  9. Cathy says:

    Matt, I loved the encouragement to take risks! And I loved the baseball cap – sets off your cute brows and eyes :)

  10. AnotherFanoftheHussMan says:

    Everything you said makes so much sense. I’ve heard “be yourself” so many times when seeking advice, and I’ve wondered what does that mean and why would I want to continue what I’m already doing if that’s not working. I really can’t thank you enough for your realistic and concrete advice in your blog and your book. This whole business of “being yourself” and living as the person you want to be and finding someone to share it with sure ain’t easy but you make it seem possible. I think I’ll try “assertive” as a new personality trait this week. Thanks! :)

  11. Andy says:

    ‘Be yourself’ is usually said in response to a relationship, be you, not a facade.Hurrah. Freedom!? As per anything else,I find ill-health and no money terribly relevant to ‘being myself’. Like thousands of others. Regarding the former definition I gave, I find some men are incapable of reality. As I vomited down the loo at six weeks pregnant my beloved said – “Well, this isn’t what I signed up for!” I was without the full-combat make-up and tight black leather trousers. Ergo – The YOU I want is not the YOU you are. I am already aware of ME and I like me. I have had a very interesting life. But some things prevent the me I am turning into a ME they might like. And that is another issue.

  12. NMA says:

    Hi Mat,

    This is what I was always thinking. If I be myself I will never take risks and do things right and innovative way. Thank you. :)

  13. Rachael says:

    This video was just what I needed to hear Matthew! Everything you said was right on the money, and it was great to hear! Love your advice Matthew, and yourself as well! :)

  14. Aisha El-Huni says:

    Funny thing, right before watching this video, I was just telling my girl friends, that I want to work on pushing myself beyond my comfort zone aka “the familiar” . I want to meet people outside my circles, who don’t necessarily shares my values, ambitions , and career path. I think there is something there , which will make this journey a tad more exciting.

    I guess its a sign huh

  15. orian bazov says:

    i have to tell you matthew , you are so amazing . you are making me think , change , chalenging me every time. and you always talk about the mistakes i made in the past and how to fix them . after listening to your videos i have grown mentaly so much , and also i have a better personality today ,and in every way you make me better my self. and today i love boys and understand them even more, i am more bold and risk taker than i was before, and my life have changed for the better. so thank you dear man…..:)

  16. Jill says:

    So I have totally been thinking about this and came to the conclusion, If I’m not myself who should I be? As human beings we should constantly be exploring and growing but if I’m out with someone I’m going to worry about the moment and how I’m going to make it great.

  17. Pris says:

    Hmm…to me, this phrase “Be Yourself” is the advice that others give when they have nothing constructive to input.
    If you ask them “how”, I bet they don’t know the answer either.

    Being “Yourself” now doesn’t mean this is the person you want to be in the future. Everyone can have the ability to achieve what they desire, but it’s just sad to hear most of us are not courageous enough to go for it.

    So a more appropriate phrase should be, “Be who you want to be”

    Meditating is not a bad idea ‘cos when we are in stillness, we can hear our own inner voice, a voice that has grown faint after years of competing, comparing and wanting. If we follow the inner voice or in a more layman terms, “Follow our heart”, we will find happiness and bliss.

    Most of the successful people like Oprah Winfrey operates at the gut level.

    And Matthew you are one of them too. I love your sincerity in helping women have great relationships and life.
    And I love your unconventional outlook and ideas.

    Whenever I’m about to give up on something, your message will always give me new inspirations! :)

    Keep doing what you are doing ‘cos you are just brilliant!

  18. Julianna says:

    Matthew, you certainly “you hit the nail on the head”. Be myself is like saying to me, “Don’t change, love yourself just the way you are”. That doesn’t resonate with me well. At 64 widow for 35 years, I’m still “growing up” so to speak. My goal each day is to learn something new regardless how small it is. To explore things I’ve never done, not limit the capacity to learn. I’m about to lose my job, I’m a Clinical Laboratory Scientist, the laboratory where I work was bought out by another company. There’s about 500 hundred of us will be unemployed soon. Instead of looking at it as a crisis I looked at it as a confirmation, for me do do something I’ve always been passionate about. I’m going back to school and become Life Nutritional Coach. No one is too old to go back to school. We should always strive to improve ourselves, or we might as well be dead. Not literally but intellectually, psychologically, physically, and spiritually. Thanks for the video.

    • Nicky says:

      Hi Julianna

      I love the fact that you’re in your sixties and still living the life and believing in love. It just goes to show that it doesn’t matter how old a woman is, we all want to be treasured, loved and respected.

      When I’m ‘big’ I want to be like you :)

      N

  19. Simona says:

    Hi Matthew Husky (it definitely fits, don’t you think :D),
    I’m in my last year of high school but this summer I started a relationship with a classmate. It’s sometimes awkward at school when we can’t be very close. The personality trait I would try for this week is to be more expressive with him in public places.

  20. Nofyah says:

    Great video.
    After my divorce my life fell apart a bit. I dropped my MPH and also experienced medical malpractice with my thyroid. Two weeks ago I garnered the courage to inquire about my eligibility to go to Med school as originally planned. The answer was yes but I have to take MCATS. I’ve been debating with myself if I can do it or if I should try. It means 4 months of studying full-time like a job plus I didn’t graduate yesterday …. on the other hand there are other fields I like such as genetics. So the bottom line is deciding what to go for and how. Maybe I’ll do something more holistic instead. At least I finally verified that the doors aren’t shut.

  21. Katherine Kirkland says:

    I couldn’t agree with you more. It’s very easy to let fear of failure, embarrassment or just the unknown rule your life. I wish I could reach back and tell my teenage self to listen to this video.

    Thanks!

    Katherine

  22. Danielle Palmas says:

    Isn’t being yourself, being relaxed and comfortable around someone you like, without putting a mask on, been able to say No when necessary and being able to put boundaries, not being afraid of the morning with no make up or to wear your old comfy clothes in front of him, being so comfortable that you crake jokes etc etc…? Isn’t this ‘being yourself’?

  23. Janna says:

    I’ve decided I need more Matthew Hussey in my life. You reconfirmed that all the personal growth work Ive done had been worth it…I can tell you exactly who I am, what I want and Im usually willing to take risks. Thanks M!!!

  24. Olivia says:

    How can you be so young, yet so wise? That is my question to you. Is it due to reading, observing, or something else or everything?

  25. R says:

    This is the best video you’ve ever done. Nothing to do with relationships but about life and finding yourself. People always fall back on “be yourself” as a phrase to counteract advice like “be confident” “be friendly” “be open” “be ambitious” “be strong”… We put “just” in there as well. “Just be yourself.” We never say “just be confident” because it’s not as easy as just being yourself.

  26. Natalie says:

    Hey Matt,

    Usually I agree with your videos and nod along in agreement to the points that I feel you always get bang on but I’m afraid that I’m going to have to break rapour with you on this one.

    I feel that I am “being myself” and I feel like I know myself and happy with myself as a person.

    One of the big things about me is that I love to learn, love to explore and grow as a person so therefore that to me is “being myself” as that is part of me.

    Hope you enjoyed your trip back home.

    Take care

    Nat

  27. Lucia says:

    Hello Matt!

    I have been reading your blog for some months and it’s inspired me to get out of a bad patch. Have yet to pick up your book but I’m already seeing results. I’m beginning to emulate the kind of attractive energy you refer to in your posts. I have never had so many men interested in me at any one time. I am actually in demand.

    You have a gift for connecting with people, so if it weren’t for giving public speaking a try, we would be deprived of your inspiring videos. And that only serves to demonstrate what you were saying. I used to break out in sweats and panic whenever I had to give a speech. I’m getting better the more I practice. Reading this post gives me even more determination to conquer my fears.

    Thank you for your wonderful blogs and videos :)

  28. Chingju says:

    By the way taking risks is so important! This year I have been taking risks from time to time and now I have some more new friends(both girl and guy friends!) (although sometimes I revert back to my comfort zone lol), I am sure as long as I keep taking more risks I will have more new friends and I will meet the guy very soon!!!

  29. Lisa says:

    I have been “trying” over a decade to get away of being a single. An advise I have kept getting was yes, ” be your self” and I always questioned about it like, “really?” I always thought ” being yourself ” wouldn’t help on anything! – it’s proven – I have been myself, that’s why I have been single! Thank you, you cleared my blockage.

  30. Chingju says:

    Thanks Matthew, for always producing insightful videos for us!! It’s important to just be who you want to be! There was a time that I tried to discover who I am (by meditation lol) but it’s difficult to know who I really am, it’s so much easier to just be who I want to be! Thanks for the advice and your video makes me always anticipating Sunday!!

  31. Diane Woodhams says:

    Hello Matthew!!

    That is a really great way of thinking about who do I want to become. I’ve never really thought about the phrase “just be yourself” in that way…very powerful video!! Design who we want to become… and take risks.. Thank you very much…your email videos are great!!

  32. Jo says:

    As a fan of (healthy) self-improvement this pleasantly surprised me and I really like it. This is pretty big! I think I am inclined to agree. Cheers Matt.x

  33. Manon says:

    “Stop trying to sit there ‘discovering’ who you are, and start DESIGNING who you want to be”
    when I heard that, my mind exploded! Needed the reminder. Thank you!

  34. Kamilla says:

    Very interesting point your making, Matt!

    Its not about “who we are”. Forget who we are! Toss it aside, its not important. What matters is who we want to be! Our intentions, our goals, our actions. Our ideals. What we give to other people, the world, life.
    Suddenly..”who we are” seams very small and far away… :)

    Cheers Matt! All the best to you!

  35. Shereen says:

    Last week I made progress. I was more open, I tried more, risked more. But one question was burning in my head. I always was afraid to be pushy while talking. If there was a group which I knew a bit and this boy i liked I was insecure to be pushy if I would join. How can I rate these situations? Sometimes I did and sometimes others joined and sometimes it wasn`t at all a problem. I am always afraid to send the wrong signals which I don`t feel and others would rate. I thought it maid be a way of excuse not to go out of my habits, not to be open. I would be glad for your advice.
    I am trying. Thank you Matt. You are great and inspiring. Happy Sunday.

  36. Stefanie says:

    Hey Matt!

    Glad to see you went the t-shirt route again ;)
    Lookin’ and sounding good as always!

    Xoxo
    Stefanie

  37. Kooky says:

    how are you doing hero . I hope you are OK . coz I feel that you are blue today.
    to me being myself doesn’t mean to stay the same .coz everyday pass I grow up and I learn something . and today is different than yesterday and today is going to be different than tomorrow .
    to me discovering myself led me to start designing who I want to be ,and that led me to have goals in my life .
    I think we should not stop trying to discover who we are, coz (discovering who we are ) happens when we have experiences in our life . so what I mean is life is full of experiences ,and it will show us different sides of ourselves .
    in the same time when I design and decide who I want to be , something new or new experience happen to me that lead me to discover a new thing about myself . and that make me add or re-design who I want to be .and the same thing will happen with my goals.
    what I’m trying to say is discovering myself is connected with designing who I want to be and connected with having goals in my life.

    with my family I discover myself a 100 times in a day . that’s why I keep discovering myself . :D
    if you ask me who you are ? simply I’ll tell you (KOOKY)

    THANK YOU HERO

  38. Yesenya says:

    Some people that don’t know me think I’m fake cuz I always acting different, but it’s not that I’m fake.I just show all different sides of me, is that wrong?

  39. Yaro says:

    Omg I love you tshirt color it’s amazing :) bt I didn’t like that on your hair and about the question I need to be a stronger girl really stronger

  40. Maria Rosa says:

    So, so true!!!!!
    “When did you decide you were any one thing? And how do you know it’s really true?

    Stop trying to sit there ‘discovering’ who you are, and start DESIGNING who you want to be.

    Figure out who you want to be and the goals you want to have.”

    These words are some of the most empowering words I´ve ever heard!!! They take you out of that “mould” you think you are that´s invariable nad that cannot be changed.
    Thank you Mathew for such good advice!!

  41. Faith says:

    Hey Matt,

    Like the hat mate! So I dig it about looking in the rear view mirror. Fortunately I see the idiot I was during the last 15 years or so and don’t want to ever be stuck in that death hole of self again. Being alive to yourself hurts ALOT though. The rewards of it can be validating of themselves however as you are a better version of you.

    I did some risk taking last night actually. I’ve always wanted to go the the Rocky Horror Picture Show gathering and I did corset and all! I was so excited for myself. No heels or fishnets but stockings with bows and boots (I’m a bit country and rock and roll). So I thought I would dig it because its kind of sexually liberating to go and I didn’t enjoy it!!! Something I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do. However I felt great afterward because I put myself out there in an over the top way that I have been slowly integrating back into my life. It taught me alot about me. The guy I like was there and this night proved that he has put me not only in the friend box but the girl who likes me whose in a friend box. The worst box ever. If I’m going to be in the friend box (which truth be told I’m fine with) I don’t want to be that weird girl who likes me. Its palpable that he treats me with kid gloves. So much so that i told him, you’ve got me in the WRONG box guy. I’m not pining for you. Bleh! I’ve been out with him in a group twice and we are supposed to go out but I almost don’t want to give him any more of my time because he’s pining over a girl who doesn’t even like him!! Who is thousands of miles away. Funnily he mentions she brought him a smoothie (how super sweet he says). I’m thinking didn’t I just do the super sweet move as well with some danish and chopsticks so he could use his keyboard. Not that I’m completely throwing in the towel, but I am definitely going on hiatus. NEXT!!!

  42. Laurel says:

    I want to be the kind of person who has the ability to bring others into the community I have surrounded myself with, essentially, to be the kind of person who brings people together.

  43. Sydney says:

    wearing a hat , INDOORS!!!

    tsk tsk.

  44. Katy says:

    Hi! Mathew, could I ask you something?
    if the guy cheated on me but we are working in the same association and even sharing same group of friends. Should I just leave everything behind because every time i see him during the association gathering/ frd gathering, I feel sad and don’t even want to talk to anyone there. Or do u think I should stay? I have been trying so hard to get rid of this situation, but I just can’t act normally when he is here. What should I do?

    We didn’t REALLY go into a relationship, but we did everything that bf/gf did. This relationship had only last for 3 months. After everything ended, I talked to some friends and discover he was flirting another girl at the same time when he was with me. Therefore, each time that guy and I contact each other, we must argue, he said to me “you are dumb/ no, the girl and I are not dating (which is a lie), even i date her, people will like her more than you!/ actually, I don’t want to be friend with you, only because my friend persuade me to do so”
    Now, its already half a year, but I still cant get over it.
    :( I want to be happy and forget everything about him. What should I do?
    I am sorry to comment in an irrelevant post.
    Could you please give me a hand?

    btw, I am a girl from Hong Kong. My frds and I LOVE watching ur vdo, all those advices are very useful! :) Thanks for helping so many lost souls out there! we support you!!!

  45. Julie says:

    Hiya, Ive read and listened to alot of you advice. My Bf has commited in that he lives with me and does alot for me but shows his love in practical ways. I have met his friends and his family.

    We are both bisexual and I am divorcing my ex female civil partner for unreasonable behaviour.

    He is the first guy that I have gone with for ten years. The problem is that he has gone from saying I want a kid with you and want to marry you to not saying it. He has also said that he does not want to go with guys. However the other day around a friends house, he said that he wouldnt rule it out! Which is the answer which I have given for women, since the beginning.

    He says this is because he is stressed with my divorce and the impact it is having on us. I have tried to be lenient as he is a real flirt and has kissed guys in front of me and said it was nothing.

    I am not the type to flirt unless I wish to take it further and I certainly dont flirt with people in front of him!

    We have had tests regarding the fertility issue and he cannot produce enough. So we have been referred. In the meantime, I feel a bit lunged at as he has said I was over weight.I am now going to the gym.

    Yet no commitment from him to cut down his drinking…

    I am doubting his commitment!

    I wanted your opinion about how I can get this on tract..

    Thank you

    Julie Sheahan

  46. Alena says:

    Good Morning Matt!

    Fantastic video as usual!
    Loved the look this morning and found it difficult to focus on the important message; thankfully you have it written up as well..very helpful!
    I have always been a pleaser. It was ingrained in me from observing my parents and what was expected of me growing up. It became very easy for people to use me and manipulate me in relationships and my marriage.
    This past week after experiencing a situation that clearly emphasized to me how this trait harms me and does neither party any favors, I’ve started changing how I deal with people -especially attractive young men. I am working at doing what I want even if the guy doesn’t agree. I am working at being high quality and not dropping my standards for anyone. I’m am working at developing core confidence rather than just projecting it. I was thankful for what I experienced as I am now willing to change that part of me.
    Incidentally your techniques/book/videos are amazing and effective. I now have no shortage of guys to practice on of all ages. My favorite being the sexy dude, 13 years my junior, who looks like the love child of you, Chris O’donnell and Diego Bonetta. :)
    Enjoy your week!
    ~ Alena xo

    • andie says:

      Thanks again Matt… fantastic informative video you look so HOT and that hat.

      @ Alena, I was so the person you were shy timid willing to please wanting to please.. I’m getting used manipulated and stepped on by spouse is partners family and friends..
      That was just me being me I thought… now the me is I’m very expressive I say no when I want to I don’t do when I don’t want to and I feel much much freer… its not that I’m being hateful or hurtful I’m being unhelpful anime hurtful to myself… I think I get a lot more respect from people now that I have grown a backbone… my mom always used to tell me when I was a child stand up straight where’s that backbone show me that backbone Andie… well my backbone is here and this is discovering who I am and I love it! and I am still compassionate loving affectionate I am just enjoying the new me and don’t necessarily need a partner or mate I am doing me… and finding Batman gravitate to women that with them self first. thanks again Matt I’m learning so much from you

      • andie says:

        I am so sorry my speak to text is out of whack sometimes I am finding that men(not batman lol) gravitate towards women who put themselves first… take care everyone

  47. Espe says:

    Hi Matt, I see your point about taking risks and up-versioning your self, however, one might argue if you have to attract somebody in your life by being someone else..that façade can only be put up for so long until the truth comes out. Simple example, some of your videos talk about attracting/meeting guys in bar-type settings…I have never been a bar fly (neither have any of my friends), so for me to go to a bar to find someone would be being “someone else”..its just not me and doesn’t align with my cultural values. I agree with taking risks, but sometimes your gut/intuition (your true self) is worth listening to.

  48. Caitlyn says:

    Hey coach,

    Great video! I love following your blog because your always an inspiration and give sound advice. So I know you’re all about getting the guy, but from my experience it seems like guys tend to prefer to be the ones taking initiative and pursuing the relationship versus being pursued. From a guys perspective, do you find this true? If I even hint at taking any interest, it never works. So I do my best to not show my emotions and always hide how I feel.

    I hope your enjoying being back home with the family and have a great week!

    Caitlyn

  49. Lauren Elliott says:

    Hi Matt,
    A personality trait that I would like to embody would be to become comfortable with engaging in conversation with people I don’t know. When in that kid of sistuation, the thought that crosses my mind is, “What am I goin to say to this person to maintain a conversation and how do I even start a conversation with them?” I would love to get comfortable enough to be able to do this without being afraid. Do you have any direction when it comes to this area? Thanks for all you do, Matt! You inspire us to all keep putting ourselves out there and becomin the people we really want to be!

  50. Nathalie says:

    Oh Matt, you are always taking up things that are in the moment! A guy told me this and really meant it. My first thought was actually that I shouldn’t change at all.. And this is wrong! I should use my expierence, my lifechoies to BECOME more myself. Not going back into some kind of black hole and think that I will find myself there…

    Keep going!!!!

  51. Angelina says:

    Agree. Being yourself unfortunately has become synonymous to agreeing with your imperfections. Although it should rather mean acceptance of our imperfections without necessarily agreeing to them. This is the way to develop our personality. Also being yourself sometimes implies revealing your all to the other person, and that most often does not prove beneficial for us. Keeping some stuff to ourself adds to our VALUE :).

  52. Linsay says:

    You are the only life coach I can listen to and think “wow”. Great post…never thought of it like that. If you can make me sit up and listen, you’re something special. :)

  53. Summer says:

    Yeah totally looks like Hugh Jackman , and he is lush I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for farting I wold put my head under duvet and smell

  54. Lorna says:

    Brilliant, Matthew!

  55. Angela K says:

    This is totally off the record, but I’ve often thought that you look like someone familiar but I couldn’t quite figure out who it was. Then after seeing this vid today and you’ve got your hat on and half a beard I realised, Matthew , who you remind me of……..Hugh Jackman ! :o)

  56. Ximena says:

    Hey Matt! Last week I tried something that was really something I’ll never do! I kinda told a guy I fancy him! It went horrible! He was like your so beautiful bla bla bla and then he started putting on facebook things about some other girl!!!! And said that she practically love her… I was so mad, but anyways as you’ve said I am embrassing deception ;) jiji
    I love your videos Matt you ate the best!

  57. Aussie Lady says:

    Great post, I really need to stop looking at my past self and look at who I am now. That way I can look at what areas I can change to be the person I want to be. The personality trait I am going to try is exuberant. I’m sick of being negative or negative people bring me down. Life is for the living so I’m going to start living it. Best of lucky to anyone trying to becoming your better self.

  58. Rumors says:

    I don´t agree so much this time with you.

    1. “Be yourself” may seem like the thing you´ve explain to us. “Don´t try to be the best of yourself” and that kind of things. But what truly is “act accord to your values”. Your acts have to match with the things that you belive.
    2. You´re rigth to say that people don´t even know themselves to know how to act like the things they belive because they don´t know what are their values. That doesn´t mean that you only should focus in what you want to be but in what you are.
    3. The only way to change yourself to a better version of you is to accepting what you are an knowing it. It´s true what you say that that is by experiences. You should not underestimate the power of knowing who you are to make changes. Accepting what you are doesn´t mean that you say to yourself that is not necesary to change but to be in peace with you in order to really make a deep change.
    4. I have made travels in order to know who I am. I have lived in many countries and that teachs me not only about the present but about the future (about what I want to be). So those trips that you talk about as “not practical” in the reallity, for some of us, are really practical.

    If I have a grammatical mistake I do apologize.

    • Cheburashka says:

      I totally agree with your comments.
      This specific sharing is a little too shallow and too surface. In reality you can never understand who we want to be and become unless we know who we are now. Its simple, its like taking a journey, say you know you wanna go to San Francisco, but if you don’t know where you are know, how can you build a journey to a desired destination.

  59. Adele says:

    Diamond advice x

  60. Kelly says:

    Sorry for all the typos…..I can’t seem to work thi iPad:p

  61. Kelly says:

    Good morning Matthew!

    Great video……brilliant advice as always.

    I consider myself a work in progress….always striving to become the best version of me. I am happiest when I am learning and evolving. I feel the day I stop doing this is the day I stp living my life to the fullest? When I see people settle into a mode of existence, static, never changing or willing to adopt new ideas or perspectives….I think…..”how boring is that?”

    I do notice that when I travel I am more carefree and adventurous….I meet more people and have more unique experiences…..i even dress differently. When I am home I have my business and children. i am more conservative and as a result create less opportunties for personal growth. My goal is to incorporate more of this ‘free spirit’ into my everday life. It is ironic that you posted this exact message because I literally verbalized this to construct to a friend on Friday.

    I think this program is working for me….even one step ahead of my coach:)

    Thank you Matthew! I am signed up for the retreat…..it will be the icing on the cake!!!!

  62. S. says:

    Hi Matthew!

    Thank you very much for this advice! I totally agree!
    Last year I found myself in a situation and the voice in my head told me: oh, I´m scarred now. But then there was this moment, where I realized, that that wasn`t true actually. My body didn`t react with fear, it was just my brain telling me that I´m kind of supposed to be affraid, because that was my reaction in the past.. but wasn´t really in the moment.
    Since that I try not to talk myself into emotions or reactions based on, what are nothing but habits I took on and accepted as traits.
    So thanks for reminding(it`s really needed)!
    A lovely Sunday for you and your team:)
    S.

  63. Jess says:

    Bad hair day Matt? Happens to the best of us :)

    It’s not easy to step out of the boundaries of who I’ve been. Sometimes I wish you were with me to push me to go talk to people on the days it’s particularly more challenging.

    Keep doing what you love! It makes such a huge difference.

  64. PATRICIA says:

    MATTTT you officially saved my life from potential boredom keep on saving lives bro

  65. Plamena says:

    Hi Matt,

    Thank you for the inspiring thought.

    I would probably try to be a little bit more outgoing person in order to have new friendships.
    But I have a question, if I have a big goal,like to have a new job, to have new place for living, and to find new friends and enjoy it, then what is the first thing I should do? x

  66. Viola says:

    ahhhh forgot to answer the question! :) This week I would try to focus on my goals and learn to say “No”

  67. Elena says:

    Hi Matt,
    Thank you for your inspirational video. I enjoy your videos and articles always. I am sorry for my English (I’m not native English-speaker).
    I think that it is great idea and it can work for business or career, but it can be difficult for dating.
    We should understand that it is necessary to set the adequate purposes and look for someone who is our equal. If a woman sets the goal of high level to become the wife of the prince (for example), she can work over herself and she can believe that she deserves this prince. But the prince can have other opinion. Dating is the market and it is necessary to confess it. Am I not right?

  68. Ingrid says:

    Hi Matthew,

    your blogpost resonated with my past experiences: Yes, I learn more about myself when I dare to try new things. It’s like seeing myself in a new light. Refreshing.

    Something I wouldn’t normally do… I will continue to get better at making it as comfortable as I can for guys to come over to me and chat. And the new thing: from now on I’m going to subtly communicate that in order to get me as their girlfriend, they have to invest in me. Continue searching for new options, even though I melt for a particular guy, when he hasn’t done anything to earn me! It’s like passing the ball over the net, and testing if they are able to pass it back.

    I just realized that it’s valid to view a relationship as a reward, because they way I picture it, it is two people living in synergy. And love is earth’s prize.

    Thank you for this blog, I like that you vary your approach between clips – keeps it fresh,
    Ingrid

  69. carla says:

    Hi Matt,

    in response to the question of the day: I have difficulty sometimes in reading people in social situations, so timely enough….i’m studying body language and becoming more aware not only of the reactions of other people but of my own reactions in certain situations.

  70. Viola says:

    Hello, Matt! I’ve learned from you that we should always strive for better life becoming more than we already are, and that’s a profound thought. I’ve read this book that my friend sent me “The Road Less Traveled,” and thought how simple it is—just have to be myself. . . and honest (“They are not burdened by any need to hide. They do not have to slink around in the shadows. They do not have to construct new lies to hide old ones. They need waste no effort covering tracks or maintaining disguises . . . people dedicated to the truth live in the open, and through the exercise of their courage to live in the open, they become free from fear.” Pg 51). And it makes me happy to hear you saying that it is possible to be ourselves without even exposing ourselves to stagnation because honesty and therefore ‘yourselfness’ is the freedom from fear (e.g. public speaking as a risk taking), and therefore, there the key to progress and success. Yourselfness and growth can get along indeed! :)

    Love your thoughts in this video:

    “I don’t think that our behaviours and habits are who we are. We should never confuse who we are at our core with the behaviours we’ve adopted over time.” Brilliant! We don’t always realize that outside behaviours stick to us with a time overshadowing our soul-born behavior.

    “Stop trying to sit there ‘discovering’ who you are, and start DESIGNING who you want to be.”Loving it and the words you using “start DESIGNING”! Very inspiring thought which reminds me of this video (reminds me of you too:)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psgjh9jFyMs

    “Figure out who you want to be and the goals you want to have.”Here laid a map to success :)

    “. . . mess around with who you are, try new things. . .” and that’s my favorite thought! I should really start messing around or I’ll miss all of the adventures 

    Thanks again, Matthew, for everything you do! Xx :) 

  71. Jo says:

    Hi Matt

    This video really struck a chord with me because this is something that I’m struggling with at the moment and probably have been for a while after a series of destructive relationships left me confused about who I am.

    I am trying to work through it though and will heed your great advice.

    Thank you

    Jo x

  72. Thirza says:

    Hi Matthew i hope you have a really Nice day.
    But i have one question for you what can you do if your parents get divorce?
    I mean what can you do to handle it better? They Get now relationtherapy but it’s really hard for uss because sometimes i Get so angry for That and than i can’t handle myself i’m Also frustded because i can’t no to talk About it only my twinsister and my older sister and my Mother but they are Also stuck in this routine what can i do??
    My internship Goes good Ok you have boys Who act very childish it’s very iriteded sometimes and they think more with there underside if you know what i mean -____- Luckly i think more with my brains haha :P
    Have a Nice day Matthew lovely Greetz Thirza

  73. Angela K says:

    Hi Matthew, I’m always being myself because my nature is to do new stuff, try new stuff, take chances etc, but what you say is spot on for anyone who is unsure how to grow. However, most things I do are a huge challenge as I’m constantly battling my anxiety. My next challenge is when I will travel from Devon up to London as I’m having a coaching session with one of your team, so very nervous. I’m also hoping to go on one of your retreats next year, if I can overcome my fears! Thank you for being a great role model for all of us Matthew xoxo

  74. Agostinha Jacinto says:

    :) great advice..! you always make me want to improve myself! THANKS!

  75. Petra says:

    Hi Matt,

    so me trying bunch of new things – that’s my self now! And it is so enriching experience, so little summary:
    1) As I already mentioned you, I have registered for that dating site and met already 2 very nice guys, I think we can be friends, with one of them I practice my Spanish, so I’m improving my language skills :)
    2) I started new sports: H.E.A.T. and Korean martial arts, sth I have been planning for so long and now I’m truly enjoying it.
    3) I have tried a new gym and registered there just yesterday, so I have a real commitment with the gym :) But good for me, since there are many men around :)
    4) I have registered for your Keep the Guy program and received your DVDs. Also sth I have been planning for so long and now is the time to go further and learn sth more.

    So I’m social sporty Petra open to new learning ;)

  76. Zsuzsanna says:

    Thanks for inspiring us to create and to take risks in life…

  77. amana says:

    Experiences test an individuals morals and values..Etc. and that is what makes a person who they are….These ‘tests’ help you and also allow you to DISCOVER YOURSELF!!

    i’ve definitely learnt a lot this year, about myself my strengths and weaknesses.

    • Viola says:

      I love your thought Amanda when you say that our choices through the moral experiences determine who we are (in this stage of mortality :). I also believe that who we are is the present and who we were is the past.

  78. kof33gal says:

    your such a great inspiration. :)

  79. Kathryn says:

    Great advice, particularly liked this video. Thank you for all your creating Matthew.
    Regards,
    Kathryn .
    X

  80. Kelsi says:

    First comment : Love ya, Matthew! :) Enjoy your the UK!
    PS. Wish me luck as I try to focus today!

    • Kelsi says:

      Matthew, how can we focus at an important task when we are unable to overcome our fear and anxiety of the task at hand? Thank you, Matthew!

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