The Top 10 Traits Women Can’t Stand In Men

Deal breakers, the invisible fence that we put around us in dating and relationships to keep out the losers, douchebags, and crazies. Eharmony recently asked its members what were their top “must have” and “can’t stands”. The results were not too surprising: lying, cheating, and rudeness topped the list of things that women absolutely would not put up with from a man. The top ten rounds out thusly:

Top 10 Can’t Stands For Women:

1. Lying

2. Cheating

3. Rudeness

4. Infidelity

5. Anger

6. Drugs

7. Poor Hygiene

8. Mean Spirited

9. Lazy

10. Racist

I think this is a great list of deal breakers when you’re looking for your next partner. I would even call this list a given, a fixed set that apply to everyone. Where many of us run into problems is the deal breakers that we have above and beyond the above list.

Throughout my years of working with women I have heard a long list of strange, outrageous and simply unrealistic deal breakers. Everything from he must love rabbits to he must want to visit Nepal. What do unrealistic deal breakers do to your love life? The most immediate and detrimental effect is that it narrows the funnel of men that you are bringing into your life. The second thing they do is that they play matchmaker for you and they do a bad job. Deal breakers tend to scream out, “I only want to date people just like me” which is fine in theory but doesn’t account for the reality that opposites can attract and chemistry doesn’t have a checklist to make sure of what you have in common.

I think most of us could deal with taking a good look at what we consider our deal breakers and ask ourselves, are these deal breakers or a wall to keep men out?

Question of the day:

Today I have an interesting question that I want you to think about for a minute before you answer. Are there any deal breakers you currently have that you can do without?

Leave a comment and share with me:

– One deal breaker you think must stay in your life, and…

– One ‘deal breaker’ that you are willing to let go of in order to let more men in.

Can’t wait to see your answers!

P.S. The level of interaction on the last blog was humbling. I love this community we’ve created and I’m so proud of the level of support we all give each other. Help me keep it going and take it to the next level! xx

By the way I know you’re probably excited about making changes in your love life this year. If you aren’t on it already, the Man Myth programme is the perfect way to start. Feel free to learn all about it here.

 

(via eHarmony)

 

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

224 Responses to The Top 10 Traits Women Can’t Stand In Men

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  1. Aimee says:

    Found this blog after the one I just read. I came up with a long list of standards a number of years ago. All of which are all internal character type things I look for. Which I realized that if I wanted to find a mr right I have to invest in getting to know men on a far more deeper level then just meeting them. (In other words giving them a chance to show me who they are which in the past I was not doing)

    Probably the huge standard I have had is trying to find someone who is not only a Christian but also understands me spiritually. I think my faith is in rare form in that it is focused on a relationship with God and all I do, right or wrong, surrounds around protecting that and in some ways how I “feel”. I might not do something just because it doesn’t feel right.

    So I have had to compromise some with my expectation. I think having a standard of sharing “Christian” values and what drives certain decisions is important. I had a long discussion about this with a relationship coach I had. She was very “spiritual” although not Christian, but totally got me. She told me that she finally learned that she needed to just find someone who would accept that part of her life and that it was ok for her to do her thing and him not be part of it. This bothered me because I still think at some level you should share certain values. Like I am not going to date someone who is Hindu because we would not share the same values.

    But there is no way on this planet that I think I will meet someone that totally “gets” me spiritually. It’s not that these types of men do not exist…they do…but the chances of finding that similarity AND all the other important traits I think narrows the number of men down to like 10 in the earth. Add to that I am not as “rules” oriented and that wipes out most men that say they are “Christian” because they are just about rules…at which point I shut down.

    So my compromise is to try and find someone who shares fundamental values that I have but that doesn’t need to be as spiritual. The other compromise would be to find someone who is exactly like me spiritually but compromise maybe on someone who is broad minded as myself and he can live in his rules world.

    So trying to find the right person on the inside rather than a cookie cutter perfect person because I do not think he exists. I think if someone just says I have my own relationship with Jesus and grow that in my own way that would now fulfill my standard. Where in the past I would want to know if a guy had some of the same experiences I have had in my faith…which are as rare as finding a diamond in the sand.

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  5. Eve says:

    My biggest deal breaker: the guy has to ‘get’ me and love me and be supportive.
    On the other hand, he doesn’t have to be passionate about the same things I’m passionate about. As long as he’s ambitious and passionate.
    If I can look up to him, he’s a catch and a half!

  6. CM says:

    Arrogance is a big turn off. If a guy takes himself too seriously and cannot laugh at himself that’s a deal breaker

    • Laetitia says:

      I’ll give you two deal breakers that are not mentioned above and I definitely need to hold on to: he has to have a good sense of humour and he has to have a high sex drive.
      But I’m also willing to loosen on two things that used to be important deal breakers for me: he doesn’t have to speak my language (as long as I speak his) and maybe he doesn’t have to positively want to get married after all.

  7. Ana says:

    An absolute non-negotiable is that he has to have integrity. He should abide by his word, have respect for other people (and himself too of course!), and be steadfast & dependable.

    A non-negotiable that I can give up? He doesn’t have to be a party boy. Used to require that my man be as extraverted as me, but I’m starting to find other people to go out with…don’t need my man to join :)

  8. ciara says:

    To me I think I cannot have a man who is a cheater and lazy bum…The rest just inconvenience.

  9. rose says:

    one deal breaker I must keep on my list is that they have to be able to support themselves.

    one deal breaker I can let go is that they can not have facial hair

  10. Marilee Nugent says:

    The one I’ll keep is good posture, with a vibrant connection to his own body/physical experience (I’m a dancer :). The one I would like to be more open about is that he doesn’t have to be as good a communicator as me.

  11. Angelica says:

    I can’t and don’t think I will ever be able to accept a cheater. But I think I can let go of the lying. Your man won’t have to lie to you if both of you have a strong sense of communication, then you can calmly work through your problems together.

  12. Rose says:

    What if your man visits porn sites many times a week? Is that considered cheating? He learns from the porn which, in turn, makes our sex fabulous.

  13. Mon says:

    Hi Matt,

    Aside from the obvious must not haves: Lying, cheating etc. I would say that a must have is that he must be at least as smart as me and going to uni. I’m doing quite a challenging course and I want someone that gets that and that I can have intelligent conversations with. Things I could let go are interest in music and nerdiness (I am a total nerd but he doesn’t have to be). :)

    Mon

  14. Nina says:

    My biggest pet peeves are lying, cheating , disrespecting.. Those are must not haves! Everything else is trivial . If i was to let go of one — will be cheating .. Cuz no matter what class,creed or color- they all cheat , so i have learnt to live with it

  15. Plamena says:

    Hey Matthew! That’s a really good question. The deal breakers which stays in my life are 3 : rudeness, disrespect and cheating. The deal breaker I’m willing to let go is if he is hard worker (works a lot and he is busy), and the sentimentality and sensitivity, which are trades not that specific for men. Thank you for the question, really got into thinking!

    Take care,
    Plamena x

  16. Nicole says:

    For me respect is huge when it comes to guys. If he doesn’t respect the people he’s closest to or even people he doesn’t know very well, what does that say about how he’s going to treat you? So that’s one deal breaker that I for sure stand by. The one that I’m willing to let go of is he should be as into music as I am, which is a lot.
    Hope life treats you well this week Matt. :)

  17. Clara66 says:

    Well, reading some of these posts shows that we are all different! I wouldn’t go out with a guy that smokes but think I can lower my expectation of a man who’s as much into music as me. It could be good that we are into different things and who knows, we can show each other new things ;) Keep up the good work Matt :)

  18. Sandy says:

    A deal breaker for me is extreme jealousy. I once dated a guy who called me 24/7 and texted me all day just to make sure I wasn’t with anyone else. I can honestly say I haven’t been jealous in past relationships, probably because I haven’t been in love. I feel like jealousy comes from insecurities that we as humans experience once in a while. Another deal breaker for me Is someone who is too clingy or attached, but I guess I’m willing to let that one go because I have realized that maybe it sounds a little silly.

  19. Stacy says:

    Great eye-opening post. I used to have so many (which I now find to be ridiculous) dealbreakers: being shorter than me, having too much facial hair, having too little facial hair, having a crooked pinky toe…the list was endless. No wonder I’m 42 and still single!

    Now, the only other deal breaker for me, apart from the top 10 “Can’t Stand” list you mentioned, is someone who really wants kids. I’ve known since I was 12 that I wanted to be child-free, so being with someone who wants such a divergent lifestyle wouldn’t be fair to either of us.

  20. caroline says:

    i find u attractive and want to see you only but i don;t want full on relationship. thats so much a deal breaker.

  21. Jacquie says:

    Why man can just be honest and say what they need to say .
    And why do they need to communicate with you by text .

    • caroline says:

      cause they are only using us.meet for sex and a meal and txt during week to make sure we are home and be there for them.i’m done with it now and wish u well.

      • Paula says:

        agreed!! Texting is too easy. It makes it super easy for them to lie, go out and cheat, and see other women at the same time. If he’s really into you, he’ll call, even if it’s only at night to hear your voice before he goes to sleep.

        • caroline says:

          yes and to make sure were not out and on call for them 24/7,told my guy i’m sick of only seeing in my appartment and want to go out guess what he said………am i drunk or what.that was on text last night.

  22. Erica says:

    Deal breaker- If he ever hits me that’s a deal breaker. i’d rather he cheats than hits be, still if he cheats once I can tolerate that, if you’re cheating twice or more than that then you clearly don’t know what you want or aren’t satisfied with what you have.

    I’m not sure what I need to let go of. don’t have that many deal breakers

  23. Suzi says:

    Must have:
    Emotionally available.. If divorced, it must have been final for absolutely no less than 6 months, preferably 12 months or more.

    Nice to have: Nice chest hair =)

  24. Thirza says:

    Hi Matthew i hope you have a really Nice day.

    But i have one question for you what can you do if your parents get divorce?
    I mean what can you do to handle it better? They Get now relationtherapy but it’s really hard for uss because sometimes i Get so angry for That and than i can’t handle myself i’m Also frustded because i can’t no to talk About it only my twinsister and my older sister and my Mother but they are Also stuck in this routine what can i do??

    My internship Goes good Ok you have boys Who act very childish it’s very iriteded sometimes and they think more with there underside if you know what i mean -____- Luckly i think more with my brains haha :P

    Have a Nice day Matthew lovely Greetz Thirza

  25. Liyan says:

    First of all I love you! Your amazing haha and I don’t feel like I really need help with guys as much as I just enjoy your theories and your brain.
    Your book pops in my head too many times a day I’m always thinking ah. Mathew said this and mathew said that! And this is coming from a person that doesn’t like talking advice from people haha
    Anyway! If I was to live with a deal breaker I guess I can do lazy or even racist
    I’m currently seeing someone that’s his deal breaker is drugs man! I really hate it and I feel like as you said two people’s values should be similar , out idea of fun I feel should be similar. Agh anyway thank you thank you xxx

  26. lisa says:

    oops it was supposed to say if he doesn’t like animals not does.

  27. lisa says:

    Deal Breaker: if he does like animals, sorry but I have had a dogs or cats in my life since I was born, if you have no respect for them there’s the door. they were here before you & likely long after you. You dont have to love them but please have respect for them.

  28. LYoung says:

    It’s the immaturity I can’t stand. Most bad male behavior stems from immaturity. From pouting when they don’t get sex, to their inability to say ‘no’ to their friends, to their silly little head games that they play when they don’t get what they want, to their desire to be consistently mothered, to their absurd man/child behavior when they’re in public places, to blaming women for the fact that they can’t get laid.

    I’m not saying all men are like this, but gees many of them are and then they wonder why women don’t like them? And blame them for it, rather than look in the mirror (another example of immaturity).

    Thankfully I found a great one, no immaturity to be found, just a loving, caring, respectful, intelligent, successful man. They are out there ladies.

    • Justyna says:

      Love your comment. It looks like we all have been there and many guys are simply IMMATURE. Wish you all the best! x

  29. Simona says:

    For me the one deal breaker I don’t want to give up is that I need the man I’m with to take responsibility and take charge. The one that I can give up would probably be guy who smokes, although it is a tough one for me.

  30. Shelly says:

    I would add smoking and excessive drinking as a big deal breaker for me as it does not go with the value system I would like for my family. Also you need to be passionate about life and be goal oriented. Life is valuable and shuold have great meaning to the individual. No matter what happens there is always something to live for.

    The things I struggle with…I have always stayed away from dating people who are divorced. It has nothing to do with the persons themselves, but more with my upbringing and religious beliefs. Married till death do us part. I would like to offer that to someone and to have that in return. So I take a hard look at someone before getting into a committed relationship and if I can’t see myself with you just chilling and reminising about our joys, struggles, passions etc as we grow old, then I tend not to pursue it.

  31. Arlene Hills says:

    Another to add to the list…

    Inability to Experience Joy!!!

    Some people, both men and women are unable to truly be happy, regardless of what is going on in their lives. Nothing is every good enough or they are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I find this sad.

    Thanks Matt!! Love the posts!!!

  32. Kristine Matteson says:

    Hey There! In addition to the above listed deal breakers, I would add selfishness and smokeing. A man smelling of cigarette is another form of bad B O in my book. ;)
    Best,
    Kristine ooxx

  33. Elena says:

    all of the previously mentioned are my deal-breakers but some more are negativity ,lack of passion for life ,lack of ambition and selfishness of course!
    some of the things that I love in a guy are responsibility,understanding,being playful and good-willed,generosity,and to appreciate my personality and my uniqueness!

  34. Stephanie says:

    One deal breaker I can’t let go of is not having career motivation/drive for your future. I cannot stand guys who have no idea what they’re doing with their lives or are content in a low paying job. (Background: I’m only a college student so I look for guys who make an effort with things like internships instead of having a part-time job)

    However, I could live without demanding a guy who skis or snowboards. Both sports are my passion and I would really like to have someone to enjoy these activities with but I guess it’s not really necessary.

  35. Agostinha Jacinto says:

    Hi Matty!

    My Deal breakers: unrespectful, dishonest, unfaithful

    Must haves: gentleman, love kids and animals (because i truly believe that who doesnt like these 2, doesnt have a good heart), good heart, playful, responsible, love life.

    :) is it too much? ^_^ normally, guys say that im too good…like a negative way! i dont know! but i like my stantards…and maybe thats their breakdeal…! Thanks for your advice! Hope u are having a nice day! Kisses*

  36. Debbie says:

    Deal Breaker:

    Not doing what he said he would do, especially if it was his own, unsolicited idea brought to me.

    Hits me on quite a few levels.

    Disrespectful
    Do you think I am stupid not to remember what you said?!?
    A form of LYING
    Loss of trust
    Disappointment
    Disillusioned
    Loss of respect for him – not true to his words
    Second guessing – can I believe anything he says?
    Etc.

    If I cannot take a person on his/her word, what use is that person in my Life? I need integrity from people…

  37. Stephney says:

    My deal breaker is a guy shorter than me. I’m 1.68 (5.6) so not exactly short and with heels even taller (obviously). I am currently married to a guy the same height as me (we’re busy getting divorced after 24 years) and height did seem to impact on our relationship negatively e.g. in shopping centres he would walk behind me rather than next to me, never wanted to hold hands and when we went out smartly dressed (seldom) it didn’t look right and I was embarrassed to introduce him to my work colleagues. Clearly there were other issues in his personality as well that contributed to the latter comment.

    I’m shallow I know.

  38. Olga says:

    I have to agree with Randa with her saying that pessimism is a huge turn-off for me and I have had problems with it in my past relationships. I am naturally an optimistic person, and being around a man that is constantly pessimistic is very stressful and tiring for me.
    One deal-breaker that I can do without is having a relationship with a man that is shorter and younger than me. Honestly, when I think about it I find this deal-breaker silly; I have no idea why I had this deal-breaker.

  39. Liz says:

    Wow, so many have been weighing in. Here is mine. I feel that if I really listen, my inner knowing knows well who and which one is a keeper. She just knows :)

    One deal breaker I cannot live without is the chemistry. If without chemistry, really what’s the fun of having a close intimate r/o with the other person??

    The other one aside from the list is emotionally available and the capacity to stick with me when I’m in my low point of my life. This is very important to me!! If you cannot stick with me for my worst of self, then you don’t get the best of my self. And my best self is really really wonderful. My worst self is the common rough spots people would normally experience in life. Hence, loyalty and dependability and emotional and financial support are very important to me especially in my tough times.

  40. Carmen says:

    Deal breaker #1 Lying. I try to never ever lie. It’s about self discipline and it’s a great way to keep your inner self happy. I believe that lying is some sort of a mental illness.
    Deal breaker #2 Lacking intelligence. When I mean intelligence, I don’t mean clever jokes, nor witty remarks or superficial understanding of things. I want very deep analytical skills. Otherwise I get bored.
    Deal breaker #3 Flirtatious Man. I like the friendly type not the flirtatious type.

    Oh

  41. audrey says:

    As an American, there is a great divide in this country between conservatives and liberals. I am the only liberal in my family and couldn’t date someone with the Rush Limbaugh mentality. First of all they are often racists and certainly don’t respect women. So, that is my only deal breaker, because to me, conservatives lack empathy.

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  43. Janey says:

    Hey Matt help me please, i met someone and we were really into eachother, now he has cooled on his heels, his ex wife is poisoning his kids little minds against us, he says he needs time to sort his head out and to settle the kids, leave it a few weeks and see.. (They still house share) Sounds like a brush off to me altho he says it isn’t..what do u make of it in ur expert opinion of mens minds?..

  44. Sarah says:

    (Clearly I’m reading this way late, but whatever… I’m commenting anyway!)

    My major top two deal breakers are unemployment and living at home with the parents. Unfortunately, I’m in my mid 20s in California, and my social circle tends to include this pool of people, so I’ve broken this rule a couple of times and it usually bites me in the a$$. I’m a responsible, independent person, and I think it’s fair to hold a partner to the same standard.

    The deal breaker I’ve been pushing myself to drop however is to instantly reject “bro” types before even talking to them. Basically the muscle-bound jock/frat boys always remind me of jerks I used to know in high school, but it is clearly time to move on from that stereotype and open up the possibility for a connection.

    -Sarah

  45. nabila says:

    hey matt,
    for me the thing that i can’t stand in a guy( other than some, you have listed) is jealousy , the bad one, the one that keep you from breathing, until it becoms paranoia.
    that just kills the relationship in my opinion.

  46. Adina says:

    Hi Mat!
    A very interesting and important topic indeed, I really enjoyed the comments as well! As for you question, I would leave in the list only the respect-related deal-breakers like lying, cheating, rudeness, infidelity, being mean spirited and racist and scratch the rest. I truly believe that respecting somebody and therefore not wanting to hurt them (including respecting their feelings and thoughts, and acknowledging them for who they are) are the main prerequisites for a loving and lasting relationship.
    As for the must have’s in a romantic relationship I would rather identify with what Yvonne said that sharing (and wanting to share) a loving communication (including being able to laugh together about anything) and sexual chemistry are deal-makers. I believe also that these two are interconnected.
    Thanks for the great topic and keep doing your thing!

  47. Georgia says:

    Including the one listed is a negative person, because they will be a miserable person all the time and make your life miserable as well. Life is too short and opportunities do not come every day.

  48. Christy says:

    Hey Matt,

    one mayor deal breaker for me is whining. No matter how much i fancy a guy, as soon as he starts whining its like a bucket of iced water over my head … brrrr
    another one is pessimism. I am a happy and cheerful person and I really dont want an emotional vampire sucking all the lightness out of me.

    What I do love in a guy is when he is passionate about something, no matter how small or silly. Passion is soooo attractive :o)
    As well is laughing eyes… i so couldnt do without either.

    Love your posts and your book… :o)

    Christy

  49. Llesi says:

    My deal breaker: on top of what was already listed, I would say one thing (or 2 things that i cant do without) are: my partner should not force his religious views onto me.

    I am able to accept whatever religion that person is from, but I have my own beliefs and they should not try to change those. So probably I would not br able to have a good relationship with someone who is devout and is only willing to date someone from that same religion. They have to accept that I am buddhist. I have no intentionin converting anyone. If they want to ask me a question because they want to understand, then I will answer it. But ultimately it is their decision if they want to believe it or not. I just ask to be understanding that not everyone can think like them….

    My second one that i cant do without, and i realize that this one is more of a physical trait, is for the person to stay healthy and not too over-weight. I am not asking for a muscle man (i dont even like that), I mean in the sense that they care about their health and is willing to take a walk with me/swim/kayak/etc. I take care of myself, tend to be active and consider myself healthy. Healthy can’t date unhealthy..

    Something I can do without? Well I don’t really have a huge list of ‘deal breakers’ to begin with…so i’m not sure about this one…

  50. Shanie Matthews says:

    So, one of my main deal breakers is if a man is a good skier or not. I am professional skier and my skiing revolves around skiing in many ways. I tend to be in the mountains a lot, skiing at the resort or in the backcountry, and I love being able to do the adventures that Big Mountain skiing requires with my lover. Some of my friends and my parents say that I am limiting myself…this article got me to thinking, am I? Anyone have any thoughts on this? Much appreciation and gratitude! (:

  51. Aisha says:

    Deal Breaker I must keep: If the man I am dating doesn’t like kids…complete deal breaker. Althought I do not have children myself, I have 7 god children and 5 neices and nephews and they are always around. So becuase I have so many little people that are a big part of my life, I cant imagine being with someone who doesn’t like children.

    Deal breaker that I should let go… but probably won’t:
    Height requirement. Dont get me wrong there are some hot short men out there. I see a lot of other women who posted to this question have the same issue with height. I dont know if you can help liking tall men. But the shortest I have ever gone out with was 5’10”.

  52. Yvonne says:

    Hi Matt,

    scratching from the list above although it’s hard, I could scratch three things under certain conditions.

    1. Anger
    The feeling of anger is a natural emotion … it ‘befalls’ anyone …. I would have to get to know someone and look how they deal with their anger. If they can deal with it in ways that it is NOT harmful for me, or the relationship, then ok. … be angry … I respect …. It’s natural…

    2. Lazy
    Again, two-fold thing … What is considered lazy?
    What one finds to be a lazy person the other may perceive as just a period of NO DRIVE to partake in life the way it is right now…. If that so called person who is considered as lazy would make some changes in his life, and start to actually partake in activities, study something or find an occupation that is authentic to their talents and what they would love to do they would actually start to become active …. and not passive, which could come from something that is depressed and doesn’t have a chance to be lived to its fullest potential …. So “Lazy” I don’t know what to do with that word really …. It may be an emotional condition of boredom due to unhappiness about life in general …

    3. Drugs …
    Again, WHAT TYPE OF DRUGS?
    I’m a ‘natural girl’ and I don’t even take ‘legal drugs’ when it contains chemicals, because they are just as bad and addictive as the illegal ones.
    Any addiction is bad when it alters one’s well-being to partake in life and to feel joy just in case THE DRUG isn’t accessible … That goes for any type of medicine as well, just because some of them are accepted by society, while still causing paranoia and even more illness in people and may heal one part of the body while making another part sick ….? Not sure how to comprehend drugs … Alcohol is a drug, once it turns into addiction that a person has to drink every day … So this is a wide-spread theme ….

    NOW, let get to the positive side and
    Let me tell you my DOES, or MUST HAVES :-)

    1. Loving Communication (includes to care to listen to how one of us feels without jumping to judgmental defense of the self. There is no attack, but the desire to be acknowledged for how I feel!)

    2. Honesty (includes faithfulness and sincerity)

    3. Sexual Chemistry

    4. Being able to laugh together while spending lots of “You-and-Me”-Time together. Simply feeling in the flow with each other … no matter what we do together as long as one partner doesn’t have an aversion about something, after all it’s about togetherness :-)

    5. Physical Hygiene

    …. and everything else that above list shows excluding the three mentioned in my reply here.

    Thank you for asking :-)

    • Georgia says:

      Laziness is laziness. He must always be doing something to occupy his time. A mind not used deteriorates which brings on depression, etc.

  53. April Adkins says:

    I honestly have to say that their is eleven that women can’t stand in a man. Given my experience and I have had plenty over the last 3 years. After 100 plus one time dates INCONSISTENCY is my HUGE PET PEEVE! I am not here to entertain you when everyone else is not available or you are just bored. I know that I am worth more, possibly why I am still single. I refuse to settle, and can read a man within the first few minutes. I can’t stand to go on a date only to not hear back from them. I move on and then weeks later they come out of nowhere and text(not even call) me and say simply “HEY”. REALLY????? That has not happened once or twice that happens just about one out of every couple men I date. I then respond with “I am sorry, who is this?” I either don’t get a text back, or I get “REALLY, you forgot about me already? WOW!” I mean come on what do these idiots take me for.
    I will always remain single as long as I continue to get responses from men like this. I have dated lawyers, Doctors, Entrepreneurs, Salesmen…etc. I honestly think I could write a book myself, but it would only come across as bitter! lol

    • Yvonne says:

      Hi April,
      I had to a laugh when reading your post. You probably speak for many of us women here. I had that experience in a relationship. The guy could not get fast enough into my life and I let it happen because I knew him from my past and there was always attraction, otherwise he would have ended up nowhere with me, seriously. I thought his enthusiasm was due to us having seen each other in like twenty years, or so and then finding out we lived about two hours of a car ride away from each other. The relationship failed after moving together, because he ended up never wanting to make time to spend with me where it is just about the two of us. He could sit in one corner of the house and myself at the other. I am high quality when it comes to wanting to be asked and invited by a guy to enter his space when being in his studio for example. Everyone needs a place to retreat and I respect that. Don’t you hate guys that always come with the ‘busy-excuse’? I feel that these men that took so very long to get in touch with you are also some type of ‘busy’-types that are just too much into themselves that it would phase them that a woman actually like to interact, this is why I would add “Loving Communication” to the list, because if two people don’t manage, or have stopped to lovingly relate to each other relation-SHIP sinks :-(

      Thanks for telling ‘your truth’. It’s refreshing to hear from women who aren’t willing to take any crap from a man, just so they can have a relationship. We need more woman with principles who stand firm ….. rather than acting as ‘sell-outs’ by making it too easy for a guy.

      ~ Namaste ~ ;-)

      • Georgia says:

        My sister, se the premise for what you want in a relation. I share my feelings respectfully and then watch him go to work. Try that next time…,,men thrives on taking leadership.

  54. Bibiana says:

    hi matt i´m from Colombia and i wish to share my experiece with you but first i have a question because i got confused about something: i meet a guy 3 years ago, we start great, things between us seems were going well we had sex in the 3rd date but he never mention a serius relationship even though that we share a lot of time together, so i told him that i was ready to move forward and he answer: “mmmm sorry i think that you are running why? what’s the hurry? if we are still knowing each other” and i though: this guy just got what we wanted in the first place, i’m an idiot!!
    but 3 years later we start talking again and he calls just sundays or saturdays when he doesn’t have a plan but i feel that i love him and i know is wrong but i don’t know how to let him go…

    that’s the kind of men i atract… as son as i date a guy they want sex and i don´t know exactly why??

    my biggest question is why i can’t feel anything for a guy who show me that he is very interested, he cares about me, and he see me as his girlfriend and potential wife?? INSTEAD, i prefer bad guys without commitment
    in their vocabulary??? i don’t know why??? should i say yes to the first guy just for sorry of because maybe i can get to feel something with time?

    • Georgia says:

      Learn this my sister, men must plan around your schedule and not the other way around. Want this guy, stop being so available! When he makes plans just in a sweet and sexy voice say you are sorry because you have other plans and would like to keep the commitment. However, if there is something legitimate why he cannot see you, have a text, phone, Facebook,Skye etc night together and have a lot of fun. Thx to Matt, my boyfriend plans 6 wks in advance and he place me on top priority of his list. He says, I have become so cool and so much fun!!

  55. Deedee says:

    My BF and I have been dating for a year. We spend weekends together at his house. When Monday morning comes I go home to my house. He works hard and says he needs his space during the week. This was ok for awhile but it has become old. According to him he loves me and we are working towards living together and eventually getting married and spending the rest of our lives together. Here’s the kicker….we are in our sixties. I say if we are in love we should be more than just weekend lovers. Seriously how much time do we have- 10, 20 years?? We need to enjoy each other now. Here is some added info… He has money probs and I have tons of money. So he thinks I should pay off his bills so we can travel for a couple of years, on my dollar. How stupid does he think I am? But the problem is that I do love him. I just don’t think he is being totally honest with me. Is it me he loves or the fact that with my resources he can retire and travel. Believe me I am not that dumb. I am not giving him money but I haven’t had the heart to break it off either. When I ask why we don’t spend Monday thru Thursday together he gets irritated and says we are working towards the whole enchilada. Even as I type this I realize how one sided this relationship is. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I walk away. He says he is committed And doesn’t lie and we are happy when we are together but the during the week I am totally miserable. Help!!

    • Yvonne says:

      Hi Deedee,
      most guys get comfortable with the ‘usual’ or status quo that they have reached in a relationship. If you don’t show him that ‘the usual’ has become unacceptable for you it will always go this way.
      Maybe you could make yourself a bit more rare and break the pattern? I know it isn’t easy, because we as women start to miss time with our guy as we are more about ‘the other’ and most of men are more about ‘themselves’. What I found is that it is ok for them as long as the sexual life is still afloat.
      To me in this case men are very superficial and it could feel pain-stalking for women, because we are two different species :-)

      I agree with holding your money together, because a real man would never ask a woman for her money, even if she has more than him.

      Since I don’t know what you are doing ‘during your days off from him’, and don’t know how you spend your time I’m not sure if I am suggesting something to you now that you may not already be doing.

      Still here it is:
      Go out on your own, meet with family and friends, have a good time without him, meet new people, sign up for a class that you may be interested in ….. Simply fill your life with activities that do not require him to be a part of. Tell him about it when you both meet again. Make sure you speak about ‘the object’ that you’ve visited, or the class that you’ve partaken in etc….. DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE to invite him …. let him wonder if there are people that you might meet that could be ‘dangerous to the relationship’ …. You know what I mean ….

      See if he is interested to participate in at least one of those activities with you, or even asks questions at all. This will tell you a lot, and who knows maybe you truly meet Mr. Right while being on your outings …. Then again, a woman has a hard time to change her heart ….

      I had to move on too and believe me it was the hardest thing I had to do, but the guy just didn’t seem to be into me the way it was our first year together. We did live together but life turned out in a way that I felt very lonely while being in a relationship, because the emotional connection seemed to have cooled down much on his behalf, and when I say emotional I mean that loving feel that you get when someone is actually smiling and happy to be in your presence.

      I believe in any case it depends of the type of personality of a men … some men are simply not happy to have a so called ‘settled down life style’ … And then when children are in the house the excitement to going out “just the two of us” no longer is an option either …. Some men go astray because of occurring problems at home, yet it’s the female who usually suffers all the pain, because she can’t just go off and leave the kids to themselves …. so we take things in like emotional punching-bags, but when that bag busts open WE’RE GONE!

      I can’t suggest anything about whether it is a good thing to stay in this relationship, or to go and break it off. All I know is that the heart has to be ready to go consciously and peacefully, or it’s going to haunt us … well at least this is how it was for me ….

      I then realized that albeit I was very, very conscious when I felt that I’d be okey without him, I still felt the pain of missing his presence in my life, and I still do at times ….. I did realize though that it’s not him par se, but I do miss the times that him and I made each other feel great …. As this was no longer the case towards the end of this relationship I also understand that the past will never come back … So am more peaceful and balanced on a daily basis without him, that’s for sure.

      Hope my little insights here were helpful for you.

      Wishing you all the best ….

    • Roslyn says:

      Sexy and sixty? You go girl.

      I have to agree – go out and have HEAPS of fun without him during the week. Plan your week and enjoy it. Meet new people – spend your money on wonderful experiences for YOU (DEFINITELY not him).

      We spend too much time worrying and having angst about the man in our life. Do you think he’s worrying about you? Doesn’t sound like it. Seems like talking to him only makes him annoyed, so go and have fun and make a life for yourself.

      Yes, you only have 10-20 years. Do you seriously want to wait around wasting the next 2-5 wondering about him? How about instead you keep dating him but let him sort his stuff out and he’ll present what he has to offer when he’s ready. Or he won’t. Either way – YOU focus on YOUR last 10-20 years. Enjoy it!!!

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