How To Get Over An Argument (July 4th Special)

Happy Independence Day!

I’m really happy for America today. Given the nature of the day, I thought it would be appropriate to do a video on ‘how to get over an argument’ ; ).

We all go through arguments in relationships, and we don’t necessarily know how to repair things afterwards.

–How can we fix damage that’s been done?

We don’t do it by continuing the feud. We do it through better communication. 

There are two things going on in any argument: Rules and Standards.

  • Standards are the fundamentals for what you will and won’t accept in a relationship. In other words, the level of lovingness, generosity, care, nurturing and excitement that you hold someone to.
  • Rules are the surface level ways we determine whether someone is meeting our standards.
  • Examples:

    ‘I have a rule that someone has to get home by a certain time in order to show that they love me and spend time with me.’

    ‘I have a standard that the person I’m with has to adore me.’

    Standards are important at their core because they reveal intent and values.

    Rules are things that we ourselves make up. They are a meaning that we attribute to things. We’re not always right in the meaning that we attribute to things, and sometimes our rules are crazy and out of proportion, or just in the wrong context.

    If someone is breaking your rule, you have a decision to make:

    –Do I want to change this rule? Is it relevant in this particular moment?

    Many times you’ll decide that the rule is not as important as the relationship itself, and that you have a level of love and care and connection that allows you to get bigger than the rule and not make it so important.

    If someone fundamentally violates your standard, that’s a different story.

    Most people get angry, upset and emotional when their standards are violated, and they don’t know how to vent that, so they stop communicating and continue arguing.

    What we have to do is learn to communicate.

    The best way to do so is to start in a positive way.

    ‘I love you. I care for you. I want to be close to you.’

    Then lead into talking about your standard.

    ‘But right now, with what you’re doing – with the way you’re violating my standard – I can’t be close to you.’

    And finally lay down what he must do for the relationship to continue.

    ‘As much as I want it to, this can’t work unless you’re able to change this part of you.’

    Give someone the space to improve and surprise you.

    If they have the potential, give them the chance to reach that potential. Not forever – but enough of a chance to change.

    If they can’t reach that potential, we have to be brave enough to separate ourselves from them so that we can include more people in our lives who will.

    You’re either going to have someone who stays and who you keep around because they CAN meet your standards, or you’re going to lose someone who can’t meet your standards.

    You’ll either keep someone who’s right for you, or you’ll lose someone who’s wrong for you.

    Life really can be as simple as that, even if it’s painful at times.

    Question of the day: What’s one Rule that’s no longer be serving you? What’s the underlying standard behind it?

    Let me know in the comments!

    9 Texts No Man Can Resist

    94 Responses to How To Get Over An Argument (July 4th Special)

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    1. Naz says:

      But if ur alreafu married and your standards keep being broken do you divorce that person? Please clarify.

    2. Relationhip Management says:

      Yes! Finally someone writes about toxoplasmosis.

    3. Ximena says:

      THe DOG’S SO CUTEEEEEE!! you give the best advice EVER! I LOVE YOU MATTY :)

    4. fan says:

      Hello, Matthew,

      I have appreciated many of your videos, some not so much as you are of an entirely different (younger) generation than myself.

      Listened,to two of your latest videos this morning,and realized you are a gay man giving straight ladies relationship advice (Jamieson was the givewaway here) –
      Can this really work? I mean these are two very different
      dimensions of human existence – example I can never truly understand, grasp accurately, the gay experience………

      Just wondering.
      And very sweet and pretty little dog you have there.

    5. Rita says:

      @Susan, took me forever but he calls everyday now we are not together xoxo

    6. Rita says:

      wow, i needed to hear this today! Thanks Mat

    7. Pingback:Are you unhappy in your relationship? Do something about it! by @lovemenowhunt – Singles Warehouse

    8. Rowan says:

      hahahahahahahaha

      “I made you some English Tea. Good for you, America. Good for you..” XDDD

      That made my day! Thank you! *still laughing*

      If I ever meet you in real life, remind me to tell you my views on this “holiday” of my country.
      lmfao

    9. katherine says:

      Matt – that dog is simply too cute!!!! But then so are you ;-) Thank you for changing my life since the retreat – it’s getting better each day and your videos are the best. Kx

    10. mina says:

      I was in e relationship and once the guy told me that he is not ready for this relationship at the time and I told him how much I need him.after that he text me nearly everyday but there is nothing showing he is interested in me anymore in his textes…I don’t understand him!Is he still interested in me and his excuses are real or he just text me not to feel guilty?

    11. Heather says:

      I don’t know that I have set “rules” but I have triggers. My husband normally either takes off work on Fridays or takes half day so we can hang out together. If more than one Friday passes that he is busy and doesn’t take that time off or acts like it is stressful to have to take it off then I immediately think he doesn’t care as much. I realize this isn’t probably the case but I “feel” it in a disappointing way and then it is stuck in my mind. Also, my husband is a lawyer of a healthcare company so his job doesn’t really end when he comes home (even though he is awesome and usually comes home by 5pm each day) but he is CONSTANTLY on the phone. Not talking but checking texts and emails. He is also now addicted to the phone with facebook, instragram, snapchat and iphone games. We have kids ranging from 18-25 who have gotten him into the social media thing and that is how he communicates with them a lot. SO, I feel deglected when he checking his phone so much. One of my daughters and I harp on him (I know that’s bad) all the time for being on the phone too much and he just scoffs but then keeps right on. I can understand if it is work but now it is Words With Friends and checking facebook, etc. I hate that I am wanting to look over all the time to criticize if it is not just emails from work – HELP! That is a huge trigger. How do I encourage him to use it less (I can’t stay naked 12 hours a day, hahahaha).

    12. Catherine says:

      Greetings Matthew,

      I feel warm and fuzzy about your puppy. I want to know the puppy’s name. I like puppy. BTW, I saw the Today’s show video about the gem stone effect. I wish Kathy wouldn’t interrupt and talk over you sometimes it feels disrespectful. I know it’s her TV show with Hoda…anyway, That’s my preference. Listening is better for me because then I can understand your answer to the question. No offense Kathy. Umm, well does your videos have affiliate marketing? I would love to share Get The Guy with my audience.

    13. Lisa says:

      Matt, I have been seeing a great guy. The best man I have ever met. It’s not my excuse but he is up north every weekend working on renovations to his cabin every weekend for a year and finally, it is almost time for it to be assessed. He is under a lot of pressure with work and getting these renovations done. He has a successful job and is very driven on succeeding financially. I see him once a week with a few exceptions. He has not told me he loves me yet and he recently commited to me sexually but I don’t know if it was from risk of losing me and just because he says I am the only one he is sleeping with or sees and whatever free time he has he is spending it with me. We have incredible x sex. If t he was that. into me would he commit no matter how busy he is or is that a cop out? He keeps telling me he doesn’t have time to give me th time and attention I need. I tried telling him I want more and trying to ask him how he feels about me . He always texts and it took days to get an answer to that and, am I wasting my time thinking we will be an item some day? Matt, he is very smart and educated but he turned, dumb, stupid and responded with every thing else but answering two simple questions. When I am with him he is perfect. A gentlemen, respectful, takes me. out but most of the time it is just coming over for sex because he works late and doesn’get here till at least nine or later. The problem is when I am not with him it is like I don’t exist. I don’t hear from him most weekends and for days during the week. We argued recently because I sent him a couple of videos that said, if a man won’t commit, he just does not care enough. If he does, he will commit no matter how busy he is. He promised when the cabin is assessed this month, he will set a date for us to go up. His father passed away before Christmas last year and his mom lives in VT withhis other brother. We live in MA. We got in a huge fight over the last two holidays but after we met and explained his mom and dad’sanniversary was July 4th and they always spent it at his cottage and his mom is a mess and it is not time for company and they are helping to finish up for the deadline I understood. I felt like he didn’t want me to meet his family. I understand now though. I was content, supportive, understanding even though he told me he is too buay for a relationshipfrom the start. Seems when things are about to collapse he can text me constantly from work where otherwise, I get no responseHe for hours or days. He even told me he likes when I am demanding. I think he get’s some sort of self-gratification when I get so upset and go off on him. I know every sernario has a different answer, so I am asking your opinion of all this. Honestly, I am starting to think he doesn’t want me but doesn’t want to loose his hot convenient fuck. He is 41 and I am 52. Can this work? I want to ask him tonight if or he is going to be available weekends after the cabin closes or does he plan to keep working on it all year. Also, I want to ask him face to face if he considers me a friend or is he capable if loving me? Should I ask hum in a different way? I am seeing him tonight so if you getthis please help asap. Please cintact me at my email so I don’t have to keep checking back here. Oh, one more questiin? Other than the live videos in your online courae, will I get as much out of your book? I brag and recommend you to all my friends. Please come to Boston and do a seminar. I will be happy to show you Boston. You are gorgeous and wish You lived here. Do you have a gf at the moment? You are extremely busy so I know you can let me know if this is a cop out or not! I keep telling him If you cared enough, you would make time for me just like you do for everything else important!

    14. Jessie says:

      HAHAHAHHA That dog..
      This is a really good point. Youre a genius with all of your stress on being high value, it makes such a difference in every area of life just adapting that mindset !

      PS. Just finished your book! Loved it :)

    15. Ursulline says:

      Lol, (smh) you’re silly Matt…


      Ursulline
      Santa Monica,CA

    16. Kaye says:

      I’m actually having a tough time with this right now. A guy is wooing me – we were together once before. We broke up in large part because he couldn’t meet my rules (about how often we saw each other – it was long distance, and communication). We’re back in touch now and he really wants to be together and says he can see where he went wrong before. My standard is that for a relationship we need to spend a lot of time together and I need a high level of reliability- if he says he’s going to do something I consider it done.

      I don’t want to have really detailed rules (ie I need you to call this often, or I need x amount of notice if you are going to fly out to see me), but I don’t think somehow that he really understands the standard. He’s clearly trying very hard, and we’re not even dating at this point. I don’t want to be a nag, or to write someone off who is wonderful in many ways, but I also want to walk away if this isn’t going to work. How to tell?

    17. Laurence says:

      I would add 2 things: never, ever have an argument when you are angry/upset. Go talk to your best friend and only have a calm and objective talk with your partner when you have cooled down. And only make big decisions when you are not emotional anymore. It might be hard to change your mind once the words are out!

    18. Sage says:

      Standards and rules — agree with you — you’re alright for a young dude and a ‘Brit’. Glad to laugh in spite of . . . Thanks — dog’s cute! (okay-you are too) You’re definitely on my wish list for seminars/continuing life relationship education. Reading your book! UK->LA->NY.

    19. Pingback:Awesome video on the difference betwn rules and standards in a relationship

    20. Sydney says:

      Knows what ?

    21. Trace says:

      agree 100%

      and I’ll have to resort to ‘the puppy manoeuver’ myself.

    22. Leesa says:

      How could you not ‘adore’ that little dog?

    23. Stef says:

      Haha, Matt, I just LOVE your sense of humour and enjoy every single one of your videos sooo much – thank you for brightening my days!

    24. Barbara says:

      Wow. I don’t really like dogs (I’m a cat person), but this one is kind of cute and it sure made the video more interesting and funny. :)

    25. Aya says:

      Just did it and the guy said this is bullshit, that i am foolish and that i am bullying him and that i should reconsider my attitude and mature it..

      • Rivka says:

        sounds like he’s bullying you.

        • Laurence says:

          Sounds like my ex-husband: I was a bully every time I didn’t agree with him! Make sure he doesn’t have self esteem issue and run away if you are not allowed to express your own views and opinions respectfully without being called a bully.

    26. Holly (the one that made everyone laugh) says:

      That dog is so cute!

    27. Kari says:

      Hi Matthew,

      Thanks again for another great blog with excellent dating advice. This particular subject reminds me of something I learned several yrs ago when learning to communicate with my (now ex) husband who suffered with addictions.

      Whenever there is an argument, think of the conversation like a fire with billowing smoke. The fire would be relative to the REAL ISSUE at hand (the standards) and the smoke would be relative to SURFACE ISSUES (the rules). Unless the fire is taken care of, (real issues addressed) the smoke will never stop. Hence when we find ourselves in an argument with our loved one, pause, take it a step back and think about what the real issue is at hand and proceed with love.

      Thanks for your always on point blogs that seem to magically pop in my inbox at just the right moment I need a good reminder. You really are the best!

      Sincerely, Kari

      PS. Watched all of Ready for Love online and you killed it! Hope to see your handsome mug on TV more real soon. ;)

      • Sydney says:

        So true, Kari. I’ve got fire and smoke in my relationship & I guess I need ice because water is just not enough.

        *Le sigh.

    28. Maryam says:

      Haha, i love when you get funny in your Videos :D
      Should have taken a cat though, they rule the Internet…

    29. Pizzazz says:

      Matt, great life lesson. But what do you do when communication fails? And the other person stays stuck in the argument and plays victim to your attempts to communicate in a spirit of openness? Walk away? I am talking here about a relationship with a godparent, not a romantic connection…

    30. Lo says:

      Today allow me to not talk about your video content. Today I’m gonna say something that really disgusts me, but I dont want to create national controversies, just make people aware of our world.

      The thing is, that there are many people following you from many countries, but you haven’t greet any of us for our Independence day. So why say “Happy Independence Day!”, like it were a global holiday (Christmas, Mother’s day, etc).

      And also, calling the United States of America as “America”. America is composed by North, Central and South America. America is a continent not a country. It’s like thinking that the UK, Great Britain nd England are synonyms!!

      Please, dont do that again. The change begin in us :)

      • Kaye says:

        Hi Lo,

        While in general you make the sort of comment I’d be likely to make myself I think in this case it is a bit misdirected. Matthew is clearly in the US and addressing American independence day – and as a Brit (who ‘lost the fight’ as he mentions, and whose country is not that aware of this holiday) he clearly does not understand this as a global holiday (which by the way Christmas and Mother’s Day – while not national holidays like the US 4th of July are not global either, Mother’s Day, for example, is celebrated on at least two different days).

        On the terminology – I gather you are Latin American and there’s a difference between the terminology in English and Spanish. In Spanish America is a continent and North American means from the United States. In English America is not a continent (North America and South America are considered two distinct continents, people sometimes refer to the ‘Americas’ and Central America and the Caribbean are often considered a region) but is often used as short hand for the United States (not in Canada where I’m from, but in the US, UK and Australia this is common). And North American refers to someone from either the United States or Canada. I’m Canadian, and we are North American, for example, but not American.

        I think sometimes it can get confusing when translating from one language to another – in different languages the number of continents on earth isn’t even the same! And, what seem to be the same terms mean sometimes altogether different things.

        • Lo says:

          Hi Kaye,

          My intention is not to argue, just make people aware, but I’m going to answer because I think there is a misunderstanding. I absolutely know that Christmas, mother’s day, valentine’s day, and so .. are not celebrated in all the countries or even on the same dates, but I just wanted to make an easy-to-understand example.

          Regarding my comment, this issue is way not a transaltion issue. If you didnt understand the reasons I said before, there’s noththing else I can do. But let me tell you that one time I was talking to a US diplomat about this, and as he understood the problem, he told me “OK, but then .. how are we going to be called?” So, I believe, this is not about translation, is about a wrong use of a word, and beign aware of it.

    31. Teresa says:

      I love the information that you give us to help with getting and keeping him. It has actually helped me with a guy that I really like! BTW loved the little doggie at the end…that was so cute how you snuck him in.

    32. anna says:

      OMG!! I LOVED the last part of this Video so CUTE :* :) ^_^ can I have both of you.. What can I say all you mention is true Why am still single? Only God know :)

      take care matt, I love you already :) :))))

    33. Lydia says:

      I really appreciated this video. Everything you said is short sweet and to the point, but overall it is so true!! This video was much needed and I loved it. Communication is key. Also the part about either you keep someone or you lose someone who you don’t need to begin with is something I think everyone already knows but still needs to hear. Very well done. Could not have been better.

    34. gruvee says:

      Thanks Matt! This is timely for me as a friend & I had a confrontation . I saw how her rule/standard was violated and I’ve shown I’ll respect it now that it’s clearer to me what she needs. Thing is, she’s still being snide/stonewalling/carries out subtle behaviours that shows she’s still pissed about something, even though I did my best to have a reasonable discussion. Now her behaviour is starting to upset me becauseiit’s violating the level of respect, honesty and peace I want and need in friendships and relationships. Ugh.
      Also helps me as I heal from a broken heart over a bloke who essentially wasn’t meeting my standards for love, commitment and communication.
      Looooved your cheek about the Tea, and of course the B*tch
      :D

    35. Agostinha Jacinto says:

      OMG!!! can i get u both? ^_^ so cute the last part of the video with the cute dog!!!
      i agree with u matty! sometimes people dont understand why im still single…sometimes i forget why…but with this video…i remember why!
      i have standards and i prefer being single/ alone rather than being with someone who doesnt meet to my standards and with my ideals. Its hard, and some people prefer being with someone “in the mean time” rather than single…
      i dont think like that…it must respect and adore me, and meet my ideals! is it too much?
      Thank you Matty!!!for everything, you always light up my day!
      kiss***
      Thank u

    36. Yvonne says:

      WOW….thanks Matt…Absolutely LOVED this piece!!!!
      Great bit of advice for every type of relationship. You’ve just helped to connect another piece of my puzzle for me….aahhhhaaaaaa!! ;D

      BTW…. thanks for ALL that you share with everyone. I think you are fabulous. Congratulations on all of your successes. That’s Karma for you… you put out all that good ~~~} and in return, get it back {~~~

      with much Gratitude

      Yvonne ;*

    37. LeeAnna Player says:

      Standard… Bring me cheesecake and tell me I’m pretty.
      Rule… STFU when Walking Dead is on

      Why am I still single?! lol

    38. Windyrain says:

      Matt,

      That is a great advice Matt. But too late me and my ex boyfriens already broke up a month ago after two weeks he made his bestfriend as his girlfriend. We were in a long distance relationship and I am in Asia. We broke up because of trust issue. He lied to me before that is why its very hard to gain back the trust I had for him. We have different dating culture and I am always jealous of his bestfriend because they had mutual feeling to each other before me and besides they were in ”friends with benefits” relationship before. I amk being vocal to him what I don’t like I told him I feel a bit jealous when I see his pictures (sweet pictures ) with his bestfriend he didn’t hide it. And last February I ask him about us if what is our stand he keep telling me that he loves me and when I ask about being official he told me that he just want ”discreet”. I feel bad, all my jealousy starts there. I was thinking maybe he wants to be discreet because he still enjoying the benefits to his bestfriend. We broke up last May 23,2013 and last May 30 I sent him roses through online because it was his birthday last May 27. I didn’t contact him after he broke up with me he keep sending long emails telling how much he loved and cared for me. So we were together again from May 28 – May 30 i think or June 1. Then we broke up again. We always fought because he is giving me reasons to be jealous. He is not sensitive about my feelings. My mistake is that I am too vocal and I hurt him with my words. I made him feel jealous about my other guy friend. Then we stop contacting each other. After two weeks I check the facebook of his bestfriend and they were in a relationship since June 2, 2013. I was crying so hard while I am having class with my student. I just can’t help to cry I feel cheated. Because at that time until June 15,2013 he keep calling me and trying to win me back and telling me shit sweet words! :(

      It’s too late we both hate each other now. But I am trying to let go of my anger and resentment and just take it as a lesson. But he is still mad at me ( super mad ) I told him to stop blaming me because we both have mistakes and that we just need to let go of our anger and hatred.

    39. Kooky says:

      The real hero is not what we see in the movies. the real hero who faces his self and know the disadvantages and advantages that he has. The real hero who did not hide but expresses moments of strengths and weaknesses.And always who try to become not only the best but extends his hands in order to help everyone in life

      thank you HERO

    40. Corin says:

      You always hit the nail in the head!! I’ve been spending DAYS, literally trying to figure out how I’m going to have this conversation with this person who’s violating my standards and this is perfect!! The most perfect way of saying it!! Thank you!!! xoxoxo I want to see you wear your red, white and blue today!! ;)

    41. Aylin says:

      hey Matt,
      so nice to see a video from you again. there wasnt one in quite a while and I was really starting to miss you. very cute dog :-) and what do we learn from this? one can never be too cute :-) When everybody already likes you, bring on some more likeable stuff. I love that!
      xx Aylin

    42. Flavia says:

      Loved the dog :D can I follow him on twitter?
      Veryyyy useful video and concepts, as always

    43. Jill says:

      Hun…I’m so confused by your question :( I even read it out loud and it still doesn’t make sense. I do think every relationship is different and therefore your communication is different as well. It’s very important to figure out early how to communicate in each relationship. I hope that makes sense because it does in my head. BTW the dog will definitely get you more views ;)

    44. Rachel says:

      good post. I’m tryin to figure out how I can apply this to my current fight with my mom. the same old thing- we just see things completely opposite.

    45. Steph says:

      Hi Matt,
      I’ll be attending your secrets of attraction event this Saturday…excited!

      Since I’ve increased my standards inwardly it’s had great effects outwardly. I’m alot more in tune with what I want and expect from a person which has also made me recognise how I can improve myself too.

      Love your videos looking forward to seeing you xx

    46. Diana Guzmán says:

      jajaja loved the dog ending! Thanks Matt! It is always very interesting to hear your guy points of view! You´re like an insider who helps us understand what´s going on in those guy heads.

      Cheers from Mexico!

    47. Diane says:

      Great video :-)

    48. Gabrielle Carolina says:

      What’s the puppy’s name?

    49. Nata says:

      Matt,

      are you serious? You must know that you are ridiculously cute and now you add a little dog… seriously? you wanna torture me? :)

      I met someone really special and our feelings for each other were so strong but he couldn’t show it the way I wanted him to. I’m very affective and I want somebody who is the same way. I know that he liked me but whenever I tried to explain what I need he just couldn’t understand what I mean at all. We fought and It made me way to sad way to often. We both couldn’t get out of our skin. It’s still hard but it showed me how important it is to be with somebody who just feels the same about certain things. I don’t want to change anybody. Still I’m not sure if I could have let him go if he wouldn’t have moved away. I appreciate the experience and I still think he is amazing and he enriched my life and I’m grateful for it. I know now, that it’s never good to lower your standards, it’s not gonna get better later in the relationship, you have to communicate your standards early on. I will work on keeping my standards high and your videos always help.
      <3

      <3

    50. Paula says:

      I had a roommate that had too many rules but didn’t apply these rules to herself and so she treated others poorly (including me). She was terrible to be around because I felt like I was walking on eggshells, never knowing what would set her off. I treated her well like any normal roommate would but she could not appreciate that she had it good living with me.

      I think it’s important to have maybe one or two key rules in a relationship, like no cheating. I can see how having too many rules makes people uncomfortable. We all have standards and I expect to be with a man that values me and makes me a priority. Any behaviour that doesn’t indicate that means it’s time to move on

      • Matthew Hussey says:

        Hi Paula,

        Thanks so much for your comment. There is a key difference between rules and standards, and we can see that clearly here. It’s also great to note that this applies to more than just relationships. All that aside, it’s important to undertand that your rules are based on your standards and that we need to then format our rules based on the relationships we’re in. As long as they still fall within your standards (ie. you’re still being valued, still a priority) then the rules can and should be communicated and talked about, and can be changed. Even in situation where both parties have the same standards, they may have different ways of showing it.

        x

    51. Emily says:

      Matthew! I never comment on videos usually, but this one literally made my morning–your bit at the was hilarious. Your humor and wit is EXACTLY what I’m looking for in a man–here’s hoping the next one can hold the flame. Happy 4th!

    52. Maria C Young says:

      Excellent articulation- helped me put perspective on a recent miscommunication on a work related incident. Thanks!

    53. Nofyah says:

      love it!

    54. Claire says:

      Matthew,

      You never fail to completely brighten my day!! I LOVED this video. Do you have any advice on what to say to a guy after realizing several dates in that you don’t want to continue seeing him? I will usually say something like, “I enjoyed getting to know you better, but I am not interested in pursuing things any further.” Then the guy usually proceeds to ask, “Why?” Do guys really want to know?? How honest should I be? I would love for you to make a video about this! Thank you so much :D

      Claire

      • Nooshin says:

        that also happens to me a lot! I usually go on by saying that “I like you as a person but…” or “we can be friends!” and the nightmare is when I wanna answer the “why” question! “my life is complicated right now” seems to get old these days! I am really in need for some advice! sometimes I fail getting rid of people and convincing them takes so much of my time and energy! Help!

    55. Jamie says:

      Love u Mat;) God just send u to me and anytime I’m struggling see a video of you and feel ok!!!;) happy forth of July to u too!xxx

    56. Jen says:

      Another great video!! Loved the dog at the end. I recently had to cut someone out of my life that didn’t meet my standards….or maybe I didn’t meet his?? He wanted me to change and it wasn’t for the better. We were friend sfor a long time and lost touch. In the time we didn’t talk, I became a better version of myself. Apparently when we got back in touch, he missed the “old” me…the me that I didn’t want to be anymore. Trust me, the new me is so much better!! It sucked to cut a person out of my life that I have so much history with, but it really was the right thing to do.

      It nice to watch these videos and see where I’m doing things right. Also where I’m doing things wrong and can change my thinking or behavior. Thanks Matthew!!

      • Matthew Hussey says:

        Hi Jen. This is such a great comment one I can relate to as well. Like I said, it’s not always easy and painless, but growing and becoming the best version of yourself rarely is either. I’m happy you’re able to stay strong in yourself and your core confidence! I’m also glad that you are able to look at where you still have room to grow and improve as we truly never stop learning. Take care! : )

        x

    57. Keira says:

      I love the new ways you record the clips! Absolutely love it!

    58. YuetChing says:

      Great video! =D Happy Independence Day and have a nice cup of tea~~xx

    59. Jenna says:

      Hi Matthew,
      The one rule that no longer serves me is that texts etc should be replied to within a certain timescale, as my initial belief was the quicker the response, the more the person is into you! I realise now that people have their own lives which can become hectic at times making it impossible to stick to consistently! Although since relaxing a rule or two I’ve been faced with another situation! My partner going to a strip club at the weekend! I thought I’d be fine with it but afterwards I felt a little hurt by it and I’m not sure how to communicate this to my partner without appearing pathetic! Hellllllp! Any advice would be greatly appreciated! X

      • Matthew Hussey says:

        Hi Jenna, This can be a tough situation, especially if it’s not something you communicated your displeasure to in the beginning. If you honestly thought you’d be okay with it and told him that, then you can bring that up to him. Tell him that you were wrong about how you thought you’d feel and that it is either hurting you, turning you off etc. But the manner in which you do it needs to be calm, reassuring and positive. If you lay into him out of now where he’ll get his back up and not understand. As far as he knows, you’re still okay with it so you need to address that fact.

        x

        • Di says:

          Matthew I get what you are saying regarding expressing how them going to strip bar etc etc is making you feel…but what happens when they then hit back with `But no ones elses girlfriend/wife has a problem with it… it is just innocent and I really do not want to be excluded from this and that just because you are being over sensitive“ ?? I find its all very well expressing how this and that they are doing makes you feel but what do you do when they hit back making out as though you are just being over sensitive or taking things too deep or far?? (even when they are really hurting you)??

      • Lisa says:

        I tell my guy the same things about responding to my texts. We finally, well I finally sat him down face to face after getting nowhere for months telling him When i ignore someone or reply days later not even answering what. I texted, only thing I can think off…when I don’answer someone’s texts, it means I don’t care. He said he would answer in a timely manner if he is busy. That lasted a week! Wtf is wrong with men. I told him it is the ignoring part that bothers me. And can’t figure out when he finally gets back to me, never answers any question like I never wrote it. No matter if it is about the day or nothing related to feelings…Ugh!

    60. CathyA says:

      LOL – love the dog at the end!! Is telling her not to become a “stuck up b—” a rule or a standard? :)

    61. Bella says:

      Your videos are much more fun since you’ve got a sense of humour.
      Cute doggy.

      • Matthew Hussey says:

        Haha yeah the recent acquirement of my sense of humor has been a real turning point in my life

        x

    62. Thirza says:

      Hi matthew Great advice that your Everyone has Standards and rules. Rules on school rules at work rules at home home. And Everyone has standards and everyone make them in their own creative way that the way i see it ;)

      And i love the dog in the video very cute ;)

      Thanks Matthew for the great advice that your giving every weel over again but everything what are you saying comes out of your and heart and brains affcourse :P
      I really appreciate it and i can’t not wait the see your next post on your blog.

      Lovely Greetz A 15 year old Girl from the Netherlands
      Take care on yourself and have a lovely day :)

    63. Simona says:

      Love your differentiation between rules and standards. But some people don’t know themselves that well.

      How can I help them make those differences? For me this situation applies a lot with my mum. She has these crazy rules that are very difficult for me to respect ALL the time and I can’t get her to see that they are not that meaningful and that I do love her, even if I left that dirty plate in the sink an hour longer.

      Simona

      PS: The dog part is hilarious. Is she yours? What’s her name? You can make her into a brand, or even better, a meme :))))))))))))))

    64. Jo says:

      Great advice as usual Matt which I think is not only relevant for romantic relationships but for every type of relationship.

      The bit at the end with the dog (much cuteness by the way) made me ‘lol’.

      I look forward to the next time that you appear in my inbox x

    65. Susan says:

      I have a rule that he must reply to my emails, texts, or voicemails within 24 hrs. The standard behind it is that he must want to be connected with me. I’m working on the rule…it’s not a realistic rule early in a relationship and it can look like (feel like) neediness for attention. It feels better to be open and find joy in other ways.

      Anyone else struggle with that?

      • Matthew Hussey says:

        Hi Susan, thanks so much for your comment : )

        I think this is something that a lot of people struggle with. In our society, we’re used to getting everything at top speed and this transfers into our relationships as well, which does two things. Firstly it applies too much pressure to the relationship and secondly, it fosters somewhat unrealistic expectations.

        It again comes down to communication. If someone tells you they’re busy and likely are not going to respond in the manner they typically do, then great, we know what to expect. If the person is just not getting back to you at all, then yes that’s an issue. But like you said, there are other ways to find enjoyment in your relationship and it shouldn’t come down to a time stamp on your text message.

        x

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