He Asks: “How Many Men Have You Slept With?” Here’s What You Say…

It’s almost inevitable you’re going to get asked…

When you do, how do you answer?

Do you need to talk about it or can the topic be avoided?

In this week’s video I share my philosophy on the question, and how you can answer in a high-value way.

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

106 Responses to He Asks: “How Many Men Have You Slept With?” Here’s What You Say…

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  1. Layla Monroe says:

    I don’t feel this advice is blanket advice. Definitely can give a sly answer early on but as he said if the guy really wants to know tell him. I would carry that to a guy I am serious about and be honest with him if he really wants to know. What are your standards? If sexual history is THAT important to you then why are you even watching this video? You should already know how to handle this question. Some ppl enjoy sex more casually but that doesn’t mean they are a bad person. It doesn’t have to be your cup of tea but to label them is immature and judgmental. Who are you to say sex is only meant for one person or special people? That is your belief but you are not the end all be all of life. We only get one and choosing to have pleasurable sex with consenting adults is what some ppl find pleasure in. My point is ppl choose different paths and have different standards. People also grow and mature. If you are with someone you consider to be the one you won’t even need advice because you should feel comfortable discussing anything with them. If you aren’t how could he be the one?

  2. Ang says:

    I’ve asked this question before and now. I actually find it has nothing to do with the person at all or has any significance on your future with this guy. Who really cares if it’s 2 or 20. It’s you their talking to right? I’m honest about it. I find it interesting saying I was in a relationship for 7’yrs ,engaged and I’m only 31. It’s funny but I’m proud of my prior relationship and Yes and next question. Bahahaha
    I prefer to ask more questions or just chat about regular stuff. I think I’m a closet flirt now hahaha I have yet to do the ‘dropping scarf’ thing but one day I will do it.

  3. jenn says:

    This is great!I watched both “He Asks: “How Many Men Have You Slept With?” Here’s What You Say…” and “What If I’m A Virgin?” videos. Back in years, i really don’t know how to answer these questions. That is true! questions like these are unattractive or sometimes offensive due to double standards. In my case, i get questions like if im a virgin or if have already slept with a guy because i look innocent. I get these questions from both men and women. I used to refuse to answer these questions especially if its a guy who asks. However, the worse case is they make follow up questions like “how long i had been with my ex-boyfriend?” and his age .Like what you said, others tend to become more curious. Lol. Now, everytime i get these questions i always reply in a playful way. Lol. Sometimes you like the guy so much but it doesn’t mean we’ll stop seeing them because of 1 weird question. I always respond with a laugh. So it wont be so awkward. Then ask “Do you really want to know?” to excite them about the answer .After i feel they are excited . I make a follow statement while laughing ” I know you want an answer but… you wouldn’t know…” or whisper on to their ear. Then follow it with a laugh. At this time, i haven’t got any negative reactions, yet. lol i don’t know if its right thing. However, thats the only way i know how get out of the topic without being so awkward. Thanks for those videos Matthew!

  4. charlotte says:

    Thank you! this was great, i would also love to see a video on the related question: “How many relationships have you had before or Have you had many relationships before”, or “when was your last relationship” “How long was your longest relationship” I find I get these questions a lot by guys I’m dating, and I always hate the question and don’t know what to say, sometimes i eaven lie up a story i think he wants to hear. I have only had one relationship and it was about 7 years ago, and I don’t think thats what they wanna hear. I mean I have no problem with it, but Im guessing som guys would find it weird. How do one deal with these questions in an elegant way?

  5. Zoe says:

    HAHA this is Brilliant!

    “Less history, more mystery” people! – Matthew Hussey

    Cannot wait to meet you one day Matt!

    Zoe,
    Australia

  6. Zoe says:

    HAHA this is Brilliant!

    “Less history, more mystery” people! – Matthew Hussey

    Cannot wait to meet you one day Matt!

    Zoe,
    Australia.

  7. Brittany says:

    I just had to come back to this post and tell you THANK YOU for the new video on virginity. I appreciate your points for it to not be a badge and that it’s only as big a deal as we make it. Also, your sensitive approach as to how you would address your sister or daughter spoke to me and I literally shed a tear, didn’t expect that lol. Thank you for all that you do, I appreciate you!

  8. Catherine Angel says:

    Matt, You nailed it at the end: “You are guiding him past his own pain, which he is headed straight for right now. Just take him away from it. ‘Guess what? You are hot, and you’re sexy, and I want to jump you, and I don’t care about any other man I’ve been with right now, I care about you, I just want to think about you, please can we just go and have sex?’”

    This completely underscores your messages from your “Keep the Guy” series, where I learned so much about how to make a man feel valued and appreciated. This cuts to the core of the man’s insecurities about whether he can please me sexually. Letting him know I only have eyes for him and I find him totally hot helps him let the “past partners” question become irrelevant.

  9. Jessica says:

    I agree PAST IS HISTORY STAY A MYSTERY lol:) love that. #movingonfromthepast

  10. Jessica says:

    hahaha at the fly and singing part at the end!! lol

  11. Linda says:

    Any man who asks that question of me is either too immature and/or insecure for me. Matthew, I think your answer was perfect.

  12. ? says:

    Oh Matt

    I’m going to put my thoughts across in vain hope that you maybe able to help with some insight.

    Back in 2011, I was sleeping with someone I liked and felt a strong attraction to. He was a bit of a bad-boy, and I said that I’d never go down that path but I really liked him and he wooed me. We slept together a handful of times and then I got a lump and only to be horrified to discover that I contract an STI that I can never get rid of; it was heart breaking and humiliating and I deeply regret.

    I’m selective in whom I choose to open up to, I’d known the person I’m referring to for almost a year, but I got caught unlucky.

    What does a woman do in this position as it was nearly 3 years ago now and I’ve been on my own ever since. I have no idea how I’m going to get past this obstacle.

    Any advice please? I would really value right about now.

  13. JJ says:

    Oh forgot to say…… There is a really cute funny movie with hotties Anna Faris and Chris Evans called “What’s Your Number” you have to watch it Matthew.

  14. Fanny says:

    Very annoying question but I get asked all the time and my reply is always “I certainly haven’t slept with as many men as you have with women”and quickly change d topic. By the way,do not believe you are going to get d true answer to this question.

  15. Ray says:

    I’ve been asked this question on 2 occasions and while I’m not ashamed of my number as my count increased I would lessen the number or reverse the question on the guy. Usually the guy would be hesitant and that would be an automatic topic changer. At the end of the day a guy that’s truly into you WONT care. He won’t even ask. I think that question is stupid and trivial. If a person is clean and STD free then why know the number. Mature persons don’t worry about that. Sex is something that is different for everyone so what’s a lot to you may not be a lot to someone else. A body count is relative. To a virgin 6 may be a lot of people to someone on number 16, 6 is just a drop of rain in an ocean. But that’s just my take on it all.

  16. JJ says:

    The thing is if you avoid the answer it just makes you look guilty of sleeping around. I always lie for love when it comes to this question because there is a double standard.

    If you give men a number, most men will take the number you give them and double it since men will double their own number when bragging to a friend. And men do judge you by your number, most of them.

    I have slept with almost 75 guys with hundreds of opportunities more to sleep with others but if they don’t pass the sensual kiss test, thats it for them baby!…. I have loved every experience. (clean bill of health too. Pro Athletes are great because they get tested all the time for their sport, and come and go with no strings attatched if you just want to have some fun).

    I usually tell guys, “I don’t let just anyone touch me.” It sets a standard, they usually don’t ask for an actual number after that and they now know I have high standards when it comes to having sex. They know they have a test to pass and I make them work for it so they know if we are a steady item they can trust I can keep my legs closed while they are out of town. If I don’t want a long term relationship with someone, it really doesn’t matter. But when I get committed I stay monogamous.

    I sometimes tell guys who ask this question, “I am a born again virgin.”

  17. Kiraz says:

    I just remembered something. Sometime ago Jack Nicholson said he slept with over a thousand women. Over a thousand!!! Nobody showed any reaction to him, because he is a famous actor. I am sure he even got some padding in the back for that. “Well done Jack, well done. Please by all means, have some more.” :-P

    So to say, it is all about perspective.
    xxx

  18. Nikki says:

    The answer to that question is and will always be (for me), “none of your business”….because it isn’t.

  19. leila says:

    I completely disagree. I equate number with character and I don’t believe those who say there’s no correlation.

    First it’s about compatibility. The number of people you sleep with is directly correlated to your views on sex and relationships. I’m not promiscuous and I don’t want to be with someone who has little to no standards for sexual conquests, is unable to stay in a relationship long enough not to rack up a crazy body count of FWB and ONS and who would sleep with total strangers whose relationship status and HIV status they don’t know because hello? They have no idea who they’re sleeping with.

    Second, I think it’s ludicrous that someone would feel entitled to sexual intimacy with me while withholding their sexual history. You will tell me where it’s been, or its not getting in me. I’m an open book myself. No question is off-limit and I don’t want to invest in a guy who’d just take anybody with a vagina as a girlfriend, irrespective to her sexual values. If you’d date a high number girl, you’re not good enough for me.

    Three, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If your number is something you must hide, it tells me a lot about your beliefs and we’re never going to be a good match.

    You’re not opening me up if you won’t open up yourself. I’m entitled to know exactly who’s getting inside my body.

    • Jay says:

      Finally someone who sees the light! I was beginning to think I was fighting this battle alone.

      • leila says:

        It’s a bit like the Twilight Zone isn’t it? This idea that someone you demand sexual intimacy from has no right to demand sexual honesty in return. My point is, you only hide your number when you know it’s a red flag.

        • Jay says:

          So true. I kinda wish Matt didn’t make this video. It’s making me lose hope in people.

          • Dave says:

            Remember that a lot of women lie when asked this question. The best way to find out is by judging her actions now. analyze her lifestyle, friends she associates herself with. It says more than her answering the question.

  20. Alissa says:

    What about if you’re in college and you’re a virgin? I’m saving it for when I know I’m ready and that for me hasn’t happened yet. I would just say exactly that to him, maybe answer a few more questions, but have anything more be “boring” and unattractive to keep on prodding me with. Would you agree Matt?

    It’s just a different world in college hookup culture.

  21. kim says:

    Good points! The guys who have asked me that question were never interested in having a serious relationship anyways…that is what I eventually found out. Never trust a man-ho!

  22. D says:

    Sorry Matt I completely disagree with this answer.

    I think it’s an immature way of dodging a VERY important question!

    So you wouldn’t want to know if the girl you were dating or marrying had been a prostitute? Then one day before you were meant to get married you find out she’d slept with 100s of people (this happened to my friend)

    If two people are close enough to share the most intimate experience possible with each other (that naturally would lead to creating another human life) then it would seem very irresponsible to not know basic facts about the other person and their past, character, morals, values etc.

    • Vavavoom says:

      You can’t retrieve a persons character, standards, morals, values etc. from a number.

      A number doesn’t tell you what their sexual style/fantasies fetishes/libido/orientation etc. are.
      Maybe the person does or doesn’t have much interest in the party scene and that wo9uld effect the answer.
      Maybe you live in an area where there are or aren’t alot of your type (say race f.eks).
      As Alissa was saying, maybe you are a virgin simply because your standard hasn’t been met yet – and that can be the case if you have been sick in a hospital for a period of time, and not because your standard/preference in lifestyle/relationship with your body and how close linked sex end love are.

      It also depends on how private/secretive you are (how big of a deel it is to you to be seen naked fx).

      And your social skills/flirting skills. Do you know how to score the guy you want, and say no to him when/if needed.

      Did you go to college, do you drink, are you comfortable with how you look naked. …

      You can’t conclude from a number whether it was right for that person to hook up with those people – nor can you say that having a low level of experience is preferred by that person, maybe you were a geek and wish you had had more sex.

  23. EJ says:

    As long as a man knows how to flick my switch ;), meets my standards of how a relationship should be and treats me with respect, I don’t care how many women he has slept with.

  24. Lisette says:

    The answer is YES and NO…..but I would not ask it the same way as your question – it would be something like – how many relationships have you had previously? It does not matter whether the relationship lasted one week if you want to count it as a relationship and give me your answer. Nor does it matter if there was sex involved or not. BUT what really matters to me is to know how many women you have been with, as it gives me an idea the kind of man you are. I say this because I don’t give my body easily – and there could be a waiting period before sex is involved so if you are the tye of man who gives himself easily then to me that suggests you are not looking for a connection first and connection is everything to me.

  25. Jenny says:

    I don’t think there’s a blanket response for this question.

    If you’re casually sleeping with someone, then yes, the question is ugly and the answer shouldn’t matter. If the question is coming from someone with whom you’re invested, however, the answer matters–not because of the number itself, but because it indicates how your partner feels about sex.

    The way someone feels about sex speaks on his/her other moral philosophies. I don’t care about an exact number, but sex is something I value and it’s important for me to know how my partner views what we’re doing. For example, perhaps a guy has had few partners…is it because of religious reasons? Is it because he’s only wanted to have sex within the confines of monogamous relationships? Or if a guy had his “wild oats sowing days,” it can actually be quite flattering to know you’re the game changer, or that he he considers sex with you as something altogether different.

    So, the number itself doesn’t matter, but it’s nice to know where someone is coming from and why.

  26. D says:

    What are you thinking Matt? How long are you thinking that the girl & guy are dating, when he asks the question “How many men have you slept with?”

    I can understand that a girl would be evasive if a guy asked that on the first date. It’s perhaps a forward, blunt & nosy question, especially if the girl has no idea if they will have a 2nd date or not.

    I hope my comment makes sense!

  27. Vanessa Aguayo says:

    How would you recommend I tell a guy I’m dating and like that I’m a virgin without intimidating him or freaking him out?

  28. Jen says:

    I was asked this not too long ago by someone I really liked. He thought it was crazy that I didn’t readily know the answer. Of course, he knew and could name everyone he slept with (as if I really cared to know). I asked him if he thought I made a notch on the bed post every time…hahaha!! I admit that the question caught me off guard, not because I have this crazy number but for the fact that it’s the past & really insignificant (in my opinion). Good video, thank you!!

  29. Lisa says:

    Thank u for this Mathew! I luv how u do these fabulous videos so much great info

  30. Janet says:

    I was recently asked that question for the first time, and I’m old! I was taken aback and somewhat defensive as I felt like, WTF? what business is that of yours. I didn’t say that of course : ) I told the person that I didn’t know and if I did know, I don’t think it would be appropriate to answer because it’s irrelevant. Huge warning sign that this guy was jealous and possessive and went on to act out in other ways. If you like that kind of guy great, but not for me. I think it’s childish, insecure and un-evolved.

    • Kiraz says:

      I agree, Janet. It is childish to dig it too much. I used to ask and be asked this kind of questions when I was in college. I think, it is sweet to be a little jealous, it is human nature, but the person shouldn’t take it too far. When an adult, mature person judges you based on your past, it looks very self-absorbed and obnoxious to me. xx

  31. Yara says:

    You are soooooooo perfect

  32. Kiraz says:

    I wouldn’t want to know about his numbers. We don’t live in the past. Past is irrelevant. It doesn’t say anything about the person’s character.

    But I want to add that things are different now thanks to facepoop. Everyone’s dirty laundry is out there. You can see the whole dating history when you scroll down on their timeline. That is something I don’t like. I think people should keep their private lives to themselves unless they are very serious in the relationship. That timeline dating history kills all the mystery, for me anyways. It also tells me that you are an insecure guy and you are trying to prove something to everyone by showing your every date to the whole world on fb. So having sleeping too many people in the past doesn’t matter, displaying them all on fb. does matter.

    When someone asks me I say “There are kids walking without shoes in some part of the world right now, you are not going to dwell on my past, are you?” And, I really mean it. Once you realize that you need to get over yourself, you don’t worry about trivial things like past dates. You enjoy the moment.

    Best xxxx

  33. Jay says:

    Wow Matt! You are so wrong! Of course you should know how many people your potential partner has slept with. And yes, the number of people you have slept with speaks directly to your character. If you have slept with a lot of people that means either you are a loose person( aka slut– eww, gross) or you suck at relationships. Why couldn’t you make any of those relationships work? Do you just quit at the first sign of struggle? Are you a cheater? Do you constantly date cheaters? If so, why are you such a poor judge of character? If you keep choosing the wrong people to be with, you have a problem. Are you a slow learner? “The past is the past” how many of your(not you personally Matt) exes have heard that line? The few decent people left in this world would like to know if they are getting into a relationship with a decent person or not. However, people can and do turn their lives around. Just be honest in all your relationships. Honesty is attractive. And if being honest is too painful then get your life together!

    • Anonymous says:

      Just because someone has had a high number of sex partners doesn’t make them an indecent person. I have slept with less men then most of my girlfriends (assuming they are telling the truth when we have girl chats) and yet I am far less conservative than they are when it comes to sex. The number of partners has no bearing on how good or bad someone is as a human being.

      • Jay says:

        Sure, sleeping with a ton of people does not mean you can no longer do good deeds but when it comes to dating that person–yuck! People who don’t sleep around typically wouldn’t want a person who sleeps with a bunch of people. It’s not the decent thing to do. It’s no coincidence that people lie about how many people they’ve slept with. People that don’t sleep around have no problem being honest about it. Sleeping around does not automatically make you a bad person. It just means you have a problem that you need to work on, especially if you want a serious relationship.

        • EJ says:

          My last boyfriend had only slept with two people before me and he was the biggest jerk. Didn’t know how to treat a woman with respect so I dumped him. Likewise I have dated players that have decided to take dating more seriously and pursue a committed relationship and they have treated me very well. Numbers mean nothing.

          • Jay says:

            EJ, I’m glad you dumped that jerk and I hope you have found someone who takes relationships seriously and is respectful. I will use your example to further explain my position. ( none of my following comments are about you personally EJ)
            First, find out if the person is a jerk. They are? Okay then don’t date them. Find someone else. It doesn’t matter how many people the jerk has slept with because they are a jerk and nobody wants to sleep with a jerk anyway, so the relationship ends before you even need to ask.
            So now you’ve finally found someone who is not a jerk? Awesome! But wait, you say they’ve been sleeping with loads of people? Whoa! This person may otherwise be nice but they live a kind of yucky lifestyle and clearly have a problem. It’s a character flaw worth investigating before you proceed otherwise you may become little more than just another number. If you do not care then maybe you deserve one another. Leave the cream of the crop for the rest of us who actually value relationships, otherwise, step your game up. Do better and choose better.

  34. Connie Constantine says:

    Thank you so much. Im so grateful.
    I hope to meet you one day xx

  35. A. says:

    I think this advice is tailored more for people who have slept with more than five people. If you say two or three, I don’t think that will create the drama you mention in the video. I could be wrong, but most folks are fine with that, no further questions asked.

    I’m also surprised that you didn’t mention STDs. Although, anyone who is sexually active can get an STD, I believe it is more likely with numerous partners. If someone has had 15 or more partners, I want to know. Scientifically, condoms or no, there is a chance that what happened with one of those people will affect my health.

    I don’t judge any person on the amount of people they’ve slept with. Like other commenters, sometimes knowing calms things down since you’ve both shown trust and have become closer as a result of sharing. I think if the person does get jealous or overly fixated on this, then that’s a red flag you probably needed to know anyway.

    • Margot says:

      STDS is not a valid justification to asking that question. One can get an STD from their very first and only partner. If he’s slept with only three people will you think he’s “safer” than one who’s been with 10? Well maybe #3 guy was cheated on and got infected by a girlfriend while # 10 guy has always used a condom. A couple that is going into a more serious relationship should get tested. Number of previous sexual partners is not necessarily an indicator of someone’s character or safe sexual behaviour.

    • Margot says:

      And l can almost guarantee you that the guy asking the question is just insecure about his performance. He’s not thinking about STDs.

      • A. says:

        I did say above, “Although, anyone who is sexually active can get an STD, I believe it is more likely with numerous partners.” So I acknowledge that one can get a STD with one’s first partner. I know of at least one person where that happened. But I do believe it’s more likely the more people you sleep with. Even with a condom. Less likely with a condom but still. There’s a chance just with having sex at all.

        My thing is I like to know what I’m getting myself into. I wouldn’t ask the question and no one has ever asked me. It’s kind of tactless and gauche a question. What I would hope is these things would come up and we’d volunteer the info. That has happened before organically in a conversation about sex. You don’t always even have to ask, honestly. If you’re around a person enough and really listen to him, you get all the answers you want without a single question.

        I still want to know. I don’t need details but I want to know if it’s 15 or more. As one says above, it says a lot about the person and how they feel about sex. Doesn’t mean I won’t be with them, just I want to feel they trust me and feel safe enough to open up with me. If they don’t, we probably shouldn’t be having sex in the first place. I’d never push the issue. Like many disclosures, I’d hope it would come out naturally as people build trust with one another.

        I could be naive, but I really believe this.

  36. Christine says:

    Omg Matt you killed me with that little song you made up at the end for the fly. I’ve been asked before though by previous boyfriends and I decided to answer truthfully. I even asked those guys that question myself. It didn’t lead to anything good. Great advice, as usual. Thank you!!!
    Christine

  37. May says:

    you made me laugh out loud, Matt :)))

    I have been through this question once and it did make me feel weird and…not at ease. This a very personal topic. It like letting somebody else entering the bedroom of your past.

  38. Amy says:

    Matthew, what would you do in the situation where they ask and i haven’t slept with anyone before because im saving myself for marriage. I feel as though you cant really avoid the answer because there comes a point in relationships where he may want more. What would i say then without scaring him?

    • H. says:

      I too would like to know that. Even if it is for non-religious reasons. Matthew, what would your answer be for the virgins, whatever their reason might be? When you reach a certains point in a relationship it is definetely a relevant topic and shouldn’t be put aside. If you are not honest with the guy it will get very awkward, because he is bound to find out at some point.

      • Sandra says:

        I was thinking the same thing while watching the video. I’m a virgin, but it’s not for religious reasons.

        I’m in university and a lot of the relationships I see are short term and based off of the person they are having sex with for that month. Which is fine. Everyone feels differently about this and I’m completely accepting of it. But what I find hard is when I’m on a date with a guy and when they ask me this question, I can’t lie about me being a virgin. Especially, if it’s only like two dates in and they’re asking me this question. And when I’m honest with them, they get really turned off by it and I never see them again.

        I think about it and obviously if they are reacting this way, they aren’t someone who deserves me because they don’t respect my standards. But it’s very hard to be the girl in university who looks for the opposite of what everyone else is looking for during this time in their lives.

        Sex to me is not something that’s just “whatever.” I wouldn’t want to be doing it for just the pleasure of it and not caring about who I’m doing it with and being half drunk while doing it. It involves so much more than just the physical aspect of it. There has to be some sort of a connection. I would want to know of the character (I guess you could say) of the person that I would be sleeping with. And there’s a little bit of waiting involved with that. Not to say that it would be like a 6 months to a year wait, but you know what I mean?

        I would love to be intimate with someone in that way. It’s part of being in a relationship. But I feel like I’m stuck… am I crazy?!?! … lol

        I hope this makes sense.

        Thank you for your videos! :) Keep doing what you’re doing! I always learn something new from you! And I appreciate it tons! :)

        Sandra

        • Raquel says:

          I so know what yall mean girls like it’s my fear of being in a relationship because sex is expected, eventually And society has made it seem its a bad thing jeez. Did yall see that girl from ready to love who was a virgin with Ben I just remember matt saying not to be scared to show sensual side

          I hope Matt or Stephen respond to this question

          • Sandra says:

            I just don’t understand. Why does sex have to be the very first thing that two people do together when entering into a relationship? Like is that some sort validation thing for men? Like if they have sex with a woman on the first or third date or whatever and if the sex was good, then that gives them confidence (I guess you could say?) that the relationship can sustain for a longer duration?

            Because I thought it was the other way around. I thought it was having similar values that would sustain a relationship. I know sex is important too, but if that’s all there is, a relationship can’t last… that’s why it’s called sort term cause it’s based off of sex… lol

            To me, I find it attractive if I have similar values with someone. That makes me want to jump him… lol :P

            But then I try to explain this to guys and they think of me as crazy.

            -_-

          • Matthew Hussey says:

            I’ll be answering this question in a video within a couple of weeks. xx

      • Matthew Hussey says:

        I’ll be answering this question in a video within the next couple of weeks. xx

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      I’ll be answering that question in a video within the next couple of weeks. xx

  39. Angela says:

    My answer: I’m a lady, that’s not something you ask a lady.

  40. Rumors says:

    And how about if I find that question interesting? I mean, I like to know the sexual past of the people who I´m with not to be jelous but because I want to know what is sexy to him or wich experencies he liked the most. And I want him to know the same about me. How about if I want a guy to like me with everything? With my sexual past and my stories. What do you think about it?

  41. Marci says:

    My answer: Wow, that’s a really inappropriate question.

    I’m not interested in dancing around an answer. I’ll make it clear right upfront that this question is uncalled for. Personally, I see it as a sign or immaturity and shallowness, and if he pushes the question anymore, it certainly will be the end of the relationship.

    Just to make sure you are clear on this, a partner can contract “an itch” from having sex one time just the same as having sex 100 times. This answer does not in any case indicate the likelihood STD. Even if someone is a vergin, STDs can be passed from oral sex if a person has had a cold sore. I realize your song was just a joke, but in your position you have a greater responsibility to not carry forward misconceptions on such a serious issue.

  42. Caroline says:

    I usually answer with a line from the movie “Four weddings and a funeral”: “More than Lady Di, less than Madonna.”

  43. Paula says:

    When I was in my 20s and new to sex, I did keep track of how many men I slept with it. Now I am in my 30s and don’t care and I think it would take me a few minutes to think about it.

    I do however get curious myself, mainly because I don’t want a man that’s slept with more people than I did. I mean, if he did, I wouldn’t break up with him but because I was a late bloomer sexually, I feel this is one area where I want more experience

    I find I have never had men ask me but I usually do. Is it ugly for women to ask this question as well?

  44. Alicia says:

    I died at “Can we go and have sex now?” :) ;) :)

    YESS!!!!

    #Swoooooon

  45. tigress866 says:

    Matt, glad to see you can carry a tune.
    My answer would be more than one since you know I’ve been divorced twice, but do we really have to go there and discuss this? I have no need to make you jealous, however, a good question in today’s world is when were you last tested?
    TO THE VIRGINS… if it is for religious reasons, just explain your beliefs. If for personal reasons, just say the truth: you are waiting for someone special to share that gift with and you realize it takes 6-12 months to evaluate someone’s character – how trustworthy and caring they are, and so on, but as of yet, no one has made it that far.

    It’s true, positive, high value.

  46. tigress866 says:

    Matt, glad to see you can carry a tune.

  47. Penny says:

    How about this, “It doesn’t matter, because no one else has ever made me feel the way you make me feel. You’re amazing, what you do to me just blows my mind and takes me to a level of ecstacy I’ve never experienced”. I think that would make him feel like the alpha male and would be the end of discussion. Unless he’s awful in bed, then he’ll do awful with more vigor. =0)

  48. A says:

    ”SEVEN!” Lol

  49. lucinda says:

    can no longer see your vids since you stopped using YouTube matthew :(

  50. Chinwe says:

    Gosh! I love youuuuuu!

  51. Rebecca says:

    Here is what’s really wrong with this advice. I have a past, and parts of it were pretty horrifying to me. However what has helped to heal this is finding a man who is prepared to put his ego aside and work with me to let go of all that. My man is a total hero because he wants to know and because we have a level of honesty that puts aside the society imposed bullshit about female sexuality. Whenever we have opened up on stuff the level of intimacy and love has got bigger. And actually we started doing this really early on and as a result it’s got better and better between us, and believe me I really thought I couldn’t ever tell a man I loved some of the stuff as the shame was so deep. I recognise not all men are this mature, which is a shame that we as women have to compensate or compromise but for me he was worth holding out for. He’s honestly helped me see how loveable I am regardless of the ‘number’ and we are more sexy and loving because we have so much trust. The secret is not to wallow in it. If your man wallows in it, what else is he going to obsess over? Nope we look at it from both sides and move on. Big grown up stuff but it works if your brave enough.

    • ellen says:

      This is great conversation… the number question is totally misleading and doesn’t contribute to intimacy.. there are other questions and conversations….( and can depend on the social mores of where you have lived or even the decades).For healing reasons and integrity sometimes it is Ok to talk about the past- *like someone else said– as long as neither of you are wallowing in it)…..and long as your partner is ready for it you have a complicated past…but the number question is a red flag that such as person isn’t ready to hear it anything subtle.

  52. Karolina says:

    This is perfect

  53. Jules says:

    Funny video!!! Hey I just wondered if you have ever given any tips on this before if so I would love to read them BUT I’m on line dating and I’m getting a glut of this…..so I chat to a guy that I fancy, nice pics, good conversation and then within 20 mins or the next day it’s like send me some more pics of you (obviously I send fully clothed respectable ones) I even put up on my profile for a while “I’m not on here just for sex blah blah” but guess what it’s all about ONE thing for the majority of men they then either send me indecent pics or proceed to tell me what crazy stuff they are going to do to me…..it’s like sooooo boring and so predictable and then when you tell them that’s not my thing until later when I have built up some kind of chemistry with someone they make out you’re the one with the issue, I honestly feel like I’m just waiting for it now when I speak to guys. Also in the real world if you met someone I doubt they would be telling you that 20 mins into dinner or drinks. On a brighter note and because of this :) my lovely friend who is also an ex we decided to go and join an ex pats community in London as a way of meeting people and we went to the first one last night and it’s was brilliant such a nice way to meet people and I came away with 3 new friends and numbers, 2 of them were girls which was so nice to make new girlfriends too so I’m looking forward to the next one, it’s a bit like what you’ve always said go where normal people go and do things to meet people. Also my friend was very impressed with my networking especially with the girls :) so it was fun too!!!

    • Emily says:

      Not sure which sites you’re on, but the freebies (think plenty of fish) are notorious for attracting guys looking for a hookup. Paid sites tend to screen people usually looking for a bit more. Plus, I have found even on them you can’t wait for the kind of guy you’re looking for to find you. You gotta be proactive and 9 times out of 10 initiate the first email interaction.

  54. Rachel says:

    Here’s a perspective, Matt, that I’m not sure you’ve ever touched on before. What do you suggest for the woman who’s still a virgin and has never slept with a guy before? How would you advise her in this situation? I personally like being forthcoming about it because I don’t look at virginity as a naive or stale/boring status of my sexual history.
    Just curious of your thoughts, even though I’m sure you won’t respond directly to me. Thanks for the videos and advice, as always!

    • Agostinha Jacinto says:

      im curious too! :) hope matt will asnswer! :)

    • D says:

      Me 3 (Would like to hear your answer… Not the number of people I have slept with ha!) I’m a virgin too and very proud to be and wouldn’t give myself away to any guy (as a ‘high value’ woman!) ;)

    • Vavavoom says:

      I’d like to know too.. Please pick up this topic Matt.. you haven’t spoken much about virgins… except from don’t be incapable of expressing desire. It looks like several ladies here are interested in that.

  55. kish says:

    Yes, Matthew, please answer Brittany’s question. What if a woman has decided to wait until marriage (for non-religious reasons), simply as a personal choice, should she say zero? Of course you can’t hide this entirely, because if she does end up sleeping with the guy–it will be her first time and he should probably know that for various other reasons. Besides he will likely find out anyway from her first-time awkwardness etc.

    You know people judge those who have partners and also those who do not, regardless of the reasons (religious, social, moral, cultural, personal). Can’t help it.

    Also, while I agree with you that this is not just an unattractive question but also a really useless one–because really–how does it ever help to know how many partners someone’s had—it just results in comparisons, insecurities, judgments etc.–don’t you think Matthew that what you have suggested sounds a little too evasive? I mean, if a person decides to sleep with someone, they have the right to know/ask for certain information. Of course, no one is obligated to disclose everything especially if they are looking something casual but if they say nothing at all–how is that ok? Sure, people can always fabricate but if there can’t be honesty in a relationship–then is it worth it?

    How does one build intimacy if one cannot be honest about this such things? What’s wrong with your number being zero, 2, 20 or 200? And what’s wrong if some people have preferences about the number of past partners. Different strokes for different folks.

    But why be evasive? Why keep a “mystery”? I think it is better to be honest and direct about it, state things simply and just move on.
    And if a partner gives you grief about it or cannot accept it–are they really a good match?

    Normally, I find your advice very helpful but this one just didn’t cut it. Personally speaking, I’m not sure I want this kind of “mystery”. I’d rather just get things out of the way and make them clear. If it doesn’t work for someone or if my partner’s number alarms me–it is not a match. But your answer just gives the impression of being evasive and that is even more unsettling. It would drive me nuts thinking why someone isn’t being honest about it.
    And also, how can someone not KNOW how many partners they’ve had? Even if they don’t have a number in their head, most people can figure it out quickly enough. Having sex is not like getting a haircut where you don’t bother keeping count because it is “boring”.
    No, they don’t have to keep a spreadsheet but if the number isn’t too high, losing count or not “bothering” just seems …a bit…I don’t know.

    • Brittany says:

      Thanks so much Kish, he just replied!
      “I’ll be answering that question in a video within the next couple of weeks! xx”
      How exciting :-)

  56. Sam says:

    I like being able to preempt what you would say in a response to the questions u ask, I almost knew the answer would go along the lines of ‘does it matter?’ It makes a fun exercise :) Then you put forward your points in an eloquent way which is great! In some ways my mindset is changing to think of the bigger picture of life, does anything matter? Like really… Becoming less detached to what isn’t real.
    Love the quote ‘less history, more mystery’

  57. Petra says:

    Good one. I have my story here. I’m kind of worried about a different question guys asked me on the first dates usually: When is the last time you dated somebody?
    Well my answer would be never. There are several reasons for this – used to be very shy as teeneger, then I did not know how to flirt, did not know how to interact with guys, so I found you as my coach. Now it is fine, I’m relaxed, I have dates and I believe first real relationship is coming. But men always ask me this question and I hate the question, because I’m worried what they will think when 29 years attractive woman tells them – you know I have never been in any relationship. I’m not worried because I would be insecure or lacked confidence, I just don’t want to talk about it because it is my past, I was different person and now it is present and things are different.
    I guess I have to come up with similar answer to this like yours in the video. True when I revealed in front of the guy that I’m worried about this, he made it a case, so I agree we have to be careful about answers to these questions. It is just extra hard, when your answer is – 0.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hi Petra! That’s an awesome story and I am so glad to hear the things here are working for you :) If you want to keep private the information from the past, then find a way to say it by mentioning that the relationship you’re in now is what you are focused on and the past ones don’t matter. xx

  58. Debra says:

    Why keep a number? Why value anyone you’ve been with or remember who they were? Wow.
    I think that if you can’t be open and honest and have shame of your past it will destroy the relationship.

  59. Brittany says:

    Matthew,

    What if the answer is zero, do you suggest keeping that information private as well?

    • Christina P says:

      Same. Was waiting for you to address it, but you never did.

    • Lauren says:

      Exactly! Would like to know this too. It’d be interesting and helpful to hear what you have to say about that.

      • Debra says:

        I will answer. Tell him! If it’s zero, do NOT be ashamed of it! People are doing reverse shame for those who are not sexually active. I know many a man who’s felt more connected with the women they’ve dated that EVERYTHING was new.

        I remember some of my ‘firsts’ were mainly rushed into because I knew I was reaching a certain age, or whatever, and so could not handle saying I had not done this or that; which is stupid. When I realized that I then decided I would have higher standards and if the guy didn’t want to even date me for my standards he could run to the next girl who he had the patience for.

        You don’t have to have an elaborate reason, but you shouldn’t be ashamed and worry about others having shame, simply knowing that you have standards.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      I’ll be answering that question in a video within the next couple of weeks! xx

  60. Alicia says:

    Actually, none. I have committed myself to saving myself entirely for my future husband. It’s not easy, but it’s a gift that is worth saving and giving to him someday. :) It’s my promise to him now, even as a 30 something single. It IS possible to do, it just requires commitment.

    • james says:

      wow…..you are a woman worth marrying…….girls dont understand that for guys… that is very important…

  61. Lyla says:

    Just Matt up to his old tricks…just like when you said the “Gem Effect” would be in the Keep The Guy program and….it is not….

  62. Jill says:

    You better I scratch that itch…
    This totally made me think if the scene in The Wedding Singer when the old lady asks Adam Sandler if he had slept with anyone yet and she proceeds to tell him she had been with like 50 men before she got married. Anyhoo personally if I found out a guy had been with that many women before me I would think he was a prostitute and I say that only because I don’t find hookups attractive. I believe sex isn’t like the public pool not everyone can take a dip.,,just sayin

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