How To Be Sexy Without Sex Before Marriage

In this week’s episode of LOVELife I take a question from Crystal which leads to a discussion on how to be sexy without having sex.

We also get into why you need to stop searching for your life-long partner and just focus on the first 5 minutes of the conversation. Enjoy!

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

21 Responses to How To Be Sexy Without Sex Before Marriage

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  1. JUSTYNA says:

    I am curious about wandering eye problem.
    What does it mean if a guy shows this behavior from the beginning of the relationship even though he wants commitment and marriage.
    How to deal with it ?
    Is there a way to change this situation ?

  2. says:

    Oh my…oh my…good thing her name doesn’t start with k, haha. But even sounded like?i would probably ask same questions ;) This conversation is crazy!lol-makes me feel good of who i am, that classy guy certainly know.am i boring?hahaha
    #verysensible

  3. gg says:

    But doesn’t it showing a desire makes a sign of “take me to the bed” to a guy? Or if a guy by showing that he desires you actually shows u he wants u in a bed. I cant handle sex tension at all and I dismiss those who start it. But this video makes sense

  4. Jill says:

    I have to disagree with you, Matt I don’t think she sounded judgmental at all BUT pretty awkward when it came to flirting. At the same time I don’t feel she should change the fact that sexual tension is a little awkward for her. The last thing she wants to do is make the guy think she is going to sleep with him when in fact she’s looking for the love of her life not just a booty call.

  5. Maradoll says:

    have had this exact issue for more decades than I would prefer to admit. As soon as it was put before me, I recognized how this has been an impediment for me. It’s made me both hesitant around guys and also very standoffish. Matt…SUCH a genius revelation ;) I feel a growth spurt coming on after this convo.

  6. Whitney says:

    Hi Matthew,

    Thanks so much for talking about this subject. I have felt pretty alone in the “saving myself for marriage” club and it’s nice to know that there are others out there. My main issue is that I want to be in a relationship with a guy who shares my beliefs (ie. religion) and so I am less open to approaching guys on the street. I know the practice would probably be good for me, but I also don’t want to develop feelings for someone who ultimately won’t meet my main requirement for a relationship. I find that when I flirt or act sexy, guys except me to go all the way. And then if I don’t, then they call me a tease. How do I flirt without giving the wrong impression? And where/how do I find a guy who will share my values/religion? I feel like I’ve exhausted the obvious options like church, friends, and even online. Thanks for your help!

    • AspieCatholicgirl says:

      YOu can verbally explain your beliefs once you are getting to know the guy. Guys don’t expect every women to sleep with them right away (even though some might ask for it)so don’t worry about giving the wrong impression when you are just starting to get to know a guy. As you get closer to him, then it is time to explain your beliefs to him.

  7. Savannah says:

    Thanks so much for this, Matt.. I’ve been following your videos and program for a while now, and have always had to filter your advice through the lens of no premarital sex. That’s who I am and that’s what I believe. But your principles still apply. It’s amazing what a small touch, a change in tone, or breaking rapport for a short moment to comment on someone’s sexiness does to move things forward.
    I understand completely, Crystal. I’m 24 and have never had a boyfriend, and have been put into every friend zone imaginable. I’ve always been ‘one of the guys’ and it’s always driven me crazy! I’ve been applying the GTG principles more aggressively in the the last few months and it’s worked wonders. It’s like the guys have come out of the woodwork.

  8. K says:

    Well for me, I don’t want to go without sex before marriage, coz it’s a natural part of two people being together, and brings two people closer.

    Recently, though I have had a heartbreak to do with sex with someone I was seeing. A guy I was dating wanted sex but he didn’t want a relationship, so I said why not wait till it’s the safe duration in my month since we are not committed to each other; but he said he didn’t want to wait and said he will find someone else; so we split. LOL. So now, I am reeling from the heartbreak with him, coz I really liked him and missed him. He gave a really good first impression.

    I realised the recent guys (or rather one guy) that I dated were very callous,and this breaks my heart. My question is how do u know if getting closer to the guy will not give you heartbreak, or how to tell if a guy is just playing around? I don’t want to be seen just for sex only, because it hurts me to be thought of in this way only. But I am now in this frigid mode where I am weirdly defensive. LOL. Where do u find those men who want committment, and like you for you? And any tips to get over heartbreak emotionally? Instead of logically?

  9. kish says:

    and another thing…when sexual tension is built without a release after some time, it can end up frustrating and annoying men. sometimes I am afraid to trigger something I cannot take care of so to speak.

    what do you think?

  10. kish says:

    ha! story of my life! well I do have another problem–i.e. I rarely feel desire for someone upfront like that so there is nothing for me to show really. What I *can* do is respond to the playfulness in flirting and be playful with others (not in a childish way) and take things from there. I can create and respond to enthusiasm, passion for life, fun and spontaneity with men (and people in general). For me desire comes like a slow burn over time when I begin to feel a certain comfort level with someone along with intrigue.

    However, one thing I have noticed consistently is when a man displays masculinity-in the way he moves, in the way he looks at me, holds eye contact, in the depth of his voice, his personality and presence, his body…almost instinctively it triggers the polar opposite feminine traits in me almost unconsciously and I begin to act very feminine automatically. So as long as I don’t get too nervous this results in a wonderful little dance or masculine and feminine energies. When I am the one being feminine, sometimes men will respond with their masculine energy. This can happen with anybody-not necessarily a potential romantic interest or a man that I find attractive. Sometimes this happens with women too who are more masculine–e.g they will suddenly become very gentle and protective around me so it is not entirely a sexual thing.

    But flirting and creating sexual tension….that is another ball game that I am clueless about. I do not know how to create it and I can’t even imagine telling a man I think his voice is sexy or something like that. I rarely even find anyone sexually attractive upfront and am oblivious to those who find me attractive in any way (that is if they ever do!). Occasionally I will get this weird feeling if someone pays me too much attention or stares at me or makes comments about my appearance and that just makes me nervous and back off. But that is about it.

    Please Matthew, do another post/video on creating sexual tension-how to spot it etc. I am sure this will be helpful to several women.

  11. erika says:

    very impressed with this video, i agree that it is possible to be comfortable in the skin you are in (sensual) without revealing your body or being physical. I think playfulness in addition to truly deep, communication, and meaningful conversation is the bread and butter of a great, enduring relationship. I think an interesting woman will keep the right guy interested and perseverant, however a woman must realize that the man that sticks around might not necessarily fit the physical course description of what she was originally looking for. :-P

  12. D says:

    Excellent topic Matt! I think a lot of girls & women have the same problem as Crystal. (ie. have had very few boyfriends in their lives). Your advice was very helpful.

  13. amanda says:

    I am in the same boat as your guest except for 1 difference. . I have no problem showing desire and flirting. Even as a child I never thought boys had cooties lol. I do not dress slutty but I know how to dress sexy. I never tell a man I am going to have sex with him, but on the rare occasion when I allow myself to show interest or build sexual tension with a man, they go nuts lol. I don’t mean to but I have big blue eyes and use them to communicate..Every guy says i have intense bedroom eyes when i flirt (curse of the scorpio) and they are shocked when I brakes on later. So I don’t flirt anymore with most men because they get very intense very quick with me and leave when I eventually have to twll them I won’t have sex until marriage. And my guy friends I have i eventually lose because they reach a point where they want to be more than friends but know i wont have sex with them and completely leave my life.So how can I find a man who doesn’t want just sex?

    • Aurora says:

      I’m in the same sitiation as well. Or… I might not need to be married, but in Order to have sex I do want those feelings people have when they decide to marry.

      I usually don’t tell to the guy that I wanna marry b4 having sex. I explain to him that i World like to get to know him better (and thats true! I dont wanna marry bc of the party but bc of the person. And I would not marry everyone.) I do hope that that guy will fall in love with my personalty while dating and ask me to marry anyway. In my opinion a guy doesn’t start as The One but becomes The One by what he does, by investing time in me etc. He has to earn my affection.

      My problem: I do need time to see and to check that. I would like to see how he acts in different situations…e.g. If he offers to pick me up from the bus stop when its already dark outside and Im afraid to go home by myself etc. ..all these litte but meaningful things..

      But: 1 month is not enough!!! To get to know the personality of a person I need at least 8 months…maybe 1 year..
      Can I expect from a guy who says he loves me (my last boy friend said it after 2 months, and wanted to have sex immediately) to wait for so long?

      ..he might be lying ..who knows …only the time can reveal such things..

      Please Help! :)

  14. Sarah says:

    Matthew, I already knew you were good cuz I follow this blog religiously, but I was blown away. This was beyond good. I was literally floored at your perceptiveness. I had been itching to hear your opinion on women who didn’t believe in sex before marriage. While I’m not dogmatically religious, I think this is a very undervalued and almost extinct value to have. My problem isn’t that I can’t be flirtatious, it’s that I don’t create enough opportunities to be flirtatious (although it’s rather hard cuz i’m in living in a country whose native language i don’t speak), but either way this was a very liberating video! Kudos! You’re amazing!

  15. A. says:

    I do think while there is a degree of sexy one can be, it’s an easy line to cross while flirting. (Not cross meaning having sex, but cross meaning giving the idea that you might have sex before marriage.)

    Basically, men want to believe it might happen. Most aren’t thinking marriage and well, I think, it’s kind of a tease. Bait and switch.

    I’m not talking about the first five minutes. But, you yourself said the first week is very telling. Honestly, men are good at reading this. They can tell in the first week whether a woman will have sex early or not. Many won’t hang in there, sexual tension or not.

    In my experience, desire/sexual tension without sex gets kind of old for me after a while. It’s a conundrum. It may be boring for men to be otherwise, but it’s pretty frustrating for me to drag that tension out (if it’s for more than five minutes). So that’s why sometimes I don’t flirt.

    Anyone can flirt for five minutes. But what about after that?

  16. Katie says:

    Great video! I was one of those conversations after your Dallas GTG seminar. You gave great advice (and a fantastic compliment! :) ) but it was all super quick. I’m so glad to hear this concept finally fleshed out a bit. I am basically Crystal.

    I think your conversation with her makes sense, but are there ways to show sexual desire without using the word ‘sexy’? I feel like that word comes out like a freight train for someone who is saving sex until they marry. Thoughts?

  17. Agostinha Jacinto says:

    :) nice! im like that, i joke about it2! thanks matt! *

  18. Nina says:

    Oh Matt. I am lost between your opinions and another dating coach who is Muslim. And my status of being lost led me into a weird relationship. I am 29, Muslim. But, I am very pretty and playful. lol. I started to talk with a colleague in the US, ( I live in Paris) who wanted me to be his gf. But, I was repeating that I just date, cause I don’t wanna waste my time.( my girlfriends have had already experiences of wasting their time for boyfriends who never proposed.) Anyways, for our first video, he took the laptop into the bed, and started to instill feelings into me (ex. Don’t feel me in bed, I said: I am not, he said that is not a bad thing, I said, hey I am not even used to you.etc) Anyways, he left me alone after 2 months of talking for another girl cause I tested him and said I cannot come to the US this summer. I am wondering whose fault was that. All my girls from different nationalities told me he wanted to go into my pants. But, my problem is that how to handle such a thing before getting fiance or even committed to each other. I declare I am a lost buddy between two cultures. Thank you very much in advance for your reply, xoxo

  19. Rivka says:

    I was so thrilled to hear this episode. Especially as it’s a lesson I’ve already been learning (with interesting results). As a devout Catholic, I hadn’t expected to ever hear you respectfully acknowledge my ethical beliefs, Matthew- thanks for the surprise!!

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