Is It A Bad Idea To Date A Younger Man?

Is it okay to date younger men? How can you trust guys (in general) after an abusive situation? How do you not get emotionally attached too early? What to do with exes?

I’ve picked a mixed bag of questions from the blog and Youtube to answer in today’s video.

Transcript

So we thought we’d do something a little bit different today, me and Jameson, rather than coming to you with a preconceived idea of what we wanted to talk about. We thought we’d listen to you and the things you want me to talk about and we’ve pick some questions both from the blog and from YouTube that we want to answer today.

It’s going to be quick fire, obviously we’re going to try and get this done in a couple of minutes so I’m not going to spend five minutes on each question. But let’s see what we can do.

“Matt, can you do a video on age difference in relationships? I am 42 and a guy that is 33 asked me out, I’m hesitant because of the age difference, thank you.”

Here’s the problem with the different age group: They don’t have the same references necessarily as you and they’re not necessarily in the same part of their life. Not necessarily because sometimes they are in the same part of their life.

Very often when a guy who’s in his late 30s decides that he wants to meet a 28-year-old woman, they might be in same place of wanting to settle down. But it doesn’t necessarily means they are on same wavelength and that’s when the danger comes in.

So when you start to date someone like that, before you even get involved, you have to ask yourself: do I think that this person is really someone I could be with? And am I willing to take the risk that 10 years from now they won’t be in the same place as me?

Now, one school of thought is, love is love and you can’t help who you fall in love with and you have to just go with it. That’s certainly true in some cases and there is some romanticism to that, but we also have to apply pragmatism to every situation and say, is this an unnecessary risk I’m taking at this stage?

Do I like this person enough? Do I really think that it has so much potential that I don’t mind the age difference? You have to be smart as well cause let me tell you something: the guy won’t be smart for you.

‘The age difference is too much, I really like you, but lets us keep out the distance because of the age difference.’

He won’t do that, especially the younger person of the two won’t to do that. He’s more likely to be reckless or she’s more likely to be reckless if she’s younger or if he’s younger. So go in eyes wide open, if it’s really important and you think it can work, go for it, but be aware of the risk involved.

“Matthew, what have you got to say for men who abuse women and how a woman can trust another guy again?”

The most I can do, unfortunately, is apologise on behalf of all of the men that actually have backbones and don’t abuse women, who tend to get a bad name from the guys who do.

I don’t think we should waste a second of thought or energy on men who abuse women, but what I do think we should do is answer the second part of your question which is about how to trust again; how to move on as a woman. That’s a great question.

The truth is, you can’t go on saying, ‘well the next guy won’t be like that so that’s why I am going to change’ because it’s that very thought that stops women from changing in the first place.

You will never convince yourself that the next guy won’t be like that because truthfully you never know.

They might not be abusive in the same way, they might be in a different way.

The point isn’t the next person won’t be like that, the point is what type of person do you want to be in this life? Do you want to be someone who lives out the rest of your life afraid because of what one guy did to you, or what two guys did to you or whatever?

In my opinion, if you’ve been abused before you shouldn’t be lending any more power to those people and one unfortunate way that people lend power to the people that abuse them is by continuing to allow it to affect them afterwards; to continue to avoid relationships, to make themselves unhappy, to feel self loathing or guilty in some way.

Instead take your power back by actually going to the next relationship with a clean slate and saying ‘you know what, I know that I’ve got some fear, I know that there is the potential for someone to treat me badly, but what I do know is that: A, I would never put up with it in the same way as I put up with it last time and B, I don’t want to be the type of person that avoids situations just because I am scared and just cause of some prick who in the past didn’t treat me right. I’m going to go and get my happiness regardless.

This next question is from Cookiebear99…

“I’m not sure if you would read this but I’ve got an important question. How does a girl not get emotionally attached too early?”

It’s hard, especially when you combine feeling lonely with the desire to be in love. It creates this potent cocktail which leads to you now overestimating the person you’re with, projecting an image you want them to have onto them instead of waiting for them to show you, and really expecting too much from them in the early stages.

Don’t be pessimistic in the early stages, but don’t be overly optimistic either. In other words, see them as they are. When a guy invests in you, value the investment he has given you not the investment you think he could give you. When he shows you what a kind person he is, or he shows you a fatherly quality that makes you think he could be good with kids, see it for what it is in that moment, not for something it could be in the future.

That way you are going to value what he has invested, you’re not going to value what you think his potential could be.

This last question is from Sophie…

“I would like to request that you make a video on how to get back with an ex smoothly, without looking desperate and clingy.”

Kind of a desperate and clingy question…

Get your ex back advice I find kind of icky, kind of.

Really the only reason you should be going back after your ex is if you feel you really messed up and you are supposed to be together and you need to show them that that part of you has changed cause really that’s the only thing they need to know to want you back again. In which case go find a way to spend time with your ex, whether it’s in a group setting, whether it’s calling them up and saying, ‘hey look lets just go and have a coffee’ or ‘I just want to hang out and see you, I miss you’.

You’ve got to find a way to not put the pressure on but to actually spend time with that person again and when you’re with that person spending time with them, you’ve got to be able to convey that that quality that wasn’t working for them before is different in you now.

But, I’ll add this caveat, don’t change your value system for that person if it didn’t work before, don’t change something that’s fundamental to you at your core, only do it if you know it was a bad habit on your behalf and you need to change it because it would benefit your life anyway to change it and it just so happens that it would also make you more attractive to your ex, and maybe re-spark the relationship.

That’s it, otherwise move on. There are plenty of great people out there, you don’t need to be overly focused on your ex.

So that’s it. Four quick questions. Let us know if you enjoyed that, if you want us to do more questions like this where we just quick fire a few answers. We won’t do it every time obviously, but it would be fun to do this a little more often and really get involved in some of the questions that you guys ask each week.

Speak soon guys.

***

What one questions would you like to see me answer in a quick-fire video like this? Let me know in the comments below!

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

94 Responses to Is It A Bad Idea To Date A Younger Man?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  1. Dana Greene says:

    I love the q & a you just did! Keep doing them they’re very helpful!

  2. Ali says:

    Age difference is much. Men are tens to be more mature as they age. Date a young man is not ideal to be husband.

  3. sanda24 says:

    Great advice especially about the age difference.

  4. Ana says:

    Hi the guy I dared 6 months texted me and said he neede time to define our relationship that was 2 weeks ago. Things went well he has mentioned twice he’s afraid and scared to commit himself to someone I have not taken this well. I got emotionally attached

  5. ll says:

    Every single question you answered here pertained to my situation at this very moment. I am struggling so incredibly hard and I will probably have to watch this video every day for a while to help. Thank you

  6. Lynn says:

    How is it… a man your age is SO wise. You have definitely done your homework. BUT you do not address women in their senior years. There are ALOT of women looking for love at this time in their lives. And… Sorry… I dont agree with the age difference answer as you get older. I was in a great relationship for 12 years with someone at 32 when I was 43 and then someone 48 when I was 60. You just never know. Please, do a Blog or Video addressing this.

  7. Jenn says:

    Hey Matt,

    I’m 24, but I have yet to be in any kind of relationship, long or short. Honestly, I haven’t even had my first kiss yet. I know I’m still young, but it seems like most people my age have had at least one significant relationship before. I try to avoid talking about my lack of experience if I can, but what do I do if a guy asks me about it? A guy I went out with recently did ask, and I know I gave a terrible answer that made me sound undesirable, too picky, and too guarded. My lack of experience seemed like a huge red flag for him. I don’t want to lie in these situations, but what can I say if someone asks why I’ve never been in a relationship?

  8. Damaris west says:

    I rely enjoy listening to you it is real talk. I think that is hard to let go of a peron when your truly in love. I feel true love never will stop loving even if your not together and you both move on. My question to you; how can you move on to a new relationship when you still in love with someone that you love deeply, knowing they move on and are in another relationship leving you with the knowledge that they will always love you deeply? even though he’s in a relashiionsip says he loves the girl he is with he has to do right by her, but that he will always love he’s true love and nobody can have that part of his heart that belong to her and that he often thinks of how life would had being with he’s true love. He is still saying that after 26 years 3 marriages. I am a bit confuse about this this man feels because he’s true love is now divorce and single. She got married because her true love fell for someone else and married her. Heart broken she felt she had to move on because he was no longer available but she couldn’t stop loving him even in her own marriage that lasted 21 years. The person she was with was controlling and abusive so she finally put her foot down and left him. Her true love and her confess they love each other and always will but he lives with someone he dose not want to hurt and is not married. He loves her but said his true love he ardor. They decided to remain distance friends for the respect of the relationship he is in. They still check on each other ones monthly. What is this case in a nut she’ll it really is a long story. Should she wait and should he leave?

    I don’t feel it is fair to anyone if those two love each other that much that she move on if she can’t love someone hold heartily and unfair that he loves her and the girls he leaves with.
    Thank you!

  9. Katherine says:

    Loved this! Please keep going with it. You’re spot on as usual..

  10. Cathy says:

    I loved the quick questions format. It gives a lot of food for thought in a short period, and underlines some of the core messages you give throughout your program, while talking about specific women’s situations, which is powerful.

  11. Amber Rae says:

    I quite enjoyed this format! Thank you!

  12. kobbs says:

    Yes, I like this! Thank you.
    My question: What is the best way to answer the question, “So, why are you still single?” Hate it! Arg!

    • Marina Casadei says:

      I like this format and I have almost the same question. Not exactly “why are you STILL single” which I usually answer “because the market is falling down” (which is a terrible thought, I know), but several people whenever they see you, they ask “so, did you find a boyfriend?” It’s like it’s the only that matters.

  13. Lauren says:

    Here’s a question: is there a way to recover when THE GUY embarasses himself? Short story: I met a hot ginger the other night when out with the girls, and things were going so great – easy conversation, sexy banter, slow-dancing – but as we were saying goodnight, he lost his lunch on the sidewalk. He was understandably mortified and wouldn’t even look at me. His buddy collected him and got him cleaned up, and I fully expect I’ll never hear from him. What a shame – he was definitely worth a few dates (until I was introduced to the contents of his stomach. Poor guy.) For future reference, any tips on recovering the sense of ease after the guy does something he might feel embarrassment about?

  14. Ninela says:

    Hi Matt,

    I wonder if you could talk about the inertia towards self-sabotage. I’m at a moment in my life with a lot of stress in my work and I can’t find the energies for my love life. Ironically, it is when I’m getting more chances (without even having to break my passive mode) of meeting new guys. But I somehow let them pass almost always (I’m not exaggerating) and I’m afraid I’ll regret later.
    For example, I just left the office thinking it will be great to go for a happy hour (I’m new in town and I know few people). One second after I met a coworker in the elevator, who was with a (good-looking) friend, and invited me to join them to a pub. I don’t know how I started to walk in the opposite direction, without even giving them an excuse.. I cannot tell you how stupid and annoyed with myself I felt after. I have to wake up early tomorrow, but to be honest I don’t care about that now, I wish I had gone.
    This is just a recent example of many I can give you, but I wonder if other people also ever find themselves reacting in a similar way. That is, exactly in the way they wouldn’t have planned to behave if they had 5 mins to think about the situation.
    And thanks for all the advises, you are doing a great job!
    X

    • Katherine says:

      I’ve sabotaged many opportunities with great guys. I thought I was the only one .. My reasons are many but I think it’s to do with (not) being at ease and at peace with oneself at the time the opportunities arise: if there’s underlying anxiety or preoccupation, that’s when I don’t let something new or different happen, no matter how brilliant it could be. I’m trying not to do that anymore and am practicing speaking to people I meet out and about as Matt suggests, so I’ll be ready next time! It’s so much fun, today I talked to a guy for 20 minutes – great conversation!

  15. Dyonisia says:

    Hey Matt, I love this!

    Snappy, bright, wise….Wakes me up like a morning shower!

    More please (thanks)!

    Love Dionysia :)

  16. Anne says:

    Loved this feature…hope you do it again! Thanks!

  17. Abigail says:

    Great idea with quick fire Q&A. I would like this one answered as it is wonderful to apply your ways, but how can you tell if the bloke in question is authentic or a sociopath? Only ask as I am that percentage of thinking he was the real deal and boy did I not see the traits of a sociopath until too late. Thanks.

  18. J says:

    This section was great, definitely do more like these. I’ve discovered that most guys around my age (19) are “too busy” to date, and if you happen to find one, will work you in once a month and at the end of the relationship claim things moved too fast, when in reality, you hadn’t got much further than a good conversation and a kiss goodnight. Please tell me this is just a phase?

  19. Lucia says:

    Life is constantly evolving. Just as we’re not using the same technology or machines as we were 50 years ago, relationships have also changed.

    Older women/younger men relationships happen for 2 main reasons: Women are financially stable and no longer rely on a man to provide for them, so they’re able to date younger if they want to.

    Younger men prefer older women because they are tired of the games and drama of women their age. While it will never be the norm, it’s an exception that is becoming more popular every day.

    If you’d like to know more, you can check out my website.

  20. Ale says:

    The chemistry of mind is different from the chemistry of love. The mind is careful, suspicious, he advances little by little. He advices “Be careful, protect yourself” Whereas love says “Let yourself, go!” The mind is strong, never fells down, while love hurts itself, fells into ruins. But isn’t it in ruins that we mostly find the treasures? A broken heart hides so many treasures.
    ~ Shams Tabrizi

  21. Lex says:

    Hi Matthew! Thanks to your awesome insights I have solved some of my issues about this great guy I have met. So thanks! :) This may sound like a dumb question but I’m still pretty young and new to the dating scene, but how do you know when you are in love? I ask for future reference of course! I just don’t want to say it and then realize I made a mistake!

  22. Alex says:

    Hi Matthew,

    I could really use your advice about contacting a guy after you meet.

    I was at a party over my Christmas break from grad school with my mom and her fiancé. It was at the house of my mom’s fiancé’s coworker. They all work in the military. There was an incredibly good looking guy there about my age. The host of the party comes up to my mother and I and tells us how this young cute guy is a “real stud” and how he is special forces and super elite and going to Afghanistan soon. A little while later the host waves me over to meet a man who turns out to be the father of the young guy. The first thing the father does is ask me if I have a boyfriend. Then after some more obvious interviewing he calls over to his son standing behind him and introduces us.

    He was very smart, funny, cool. He kept asking me questions. Telling me about his training to be a soldier. What other careers he is interested in. How much he loved school, etc. There was a table between us. He moved around the table to get closer. He made direct eye contact the whole time which felt overwhelming. Everything was going great, and then all of the sudden he looked real anxious and said “I have to go to the bathroom, be right back.”

    I stayed in the general area and started talking to other people. He came back, but we didn’t make eye contact, and he circled around a few times not talking to anyone. Then he went to talk to his mom and dad.

    5 minutes later, my mom and her bf say we are leaving. The cute guy’s dad instantly comes up to me and tells me how excellent he thinks I am and good luck. His son comes over and just looks me in the eye intensely again but says nothing while his dad is saying this. I say nothing cause I’m an idiot and a little overwhelmed with the dad.

    And that’s it. I found him on Facebook but did not friend him. He seems like one of the more impressive people I have ever met. I don’t know if I should do anything at all.

    Can you help me?

    Thanks so much,
    Alex

  23. ivy says:

    Hi Matt. Love what you’re doing, appreciate if u can take time for this. I do agree n thank you for what u share.

    What do you think about asians that grow up in asian country?
    or even some people that speak different language, i find it harder to express n carry the confidence for the linguistic proficiency.

    And I’m speaking generally no offense at all, does westerners look down on asian?

    As the cultural ,mentality, the way they perceive things do have some differences, most of us i would say. I really looking forward to know what do you think abt this or even if i make sense.

  24. Katherine says:

    Hi Matt,
    Loved the quick-fire video very informative. Hey matt I am the ultimate hopeless romantic. My problem is I am 50ish and look 40, so I am told I have lead a very clean life. So the men my age are all “OLD” with one foot in the grave. I don’t want to be someone’s nurse. I totally understand the age thing with being on the same page. What’s a girl to do?

  25. Rumors says:

    Hi Matt! As always a good video. My question would be: You always talk about the men and women relationship in a long-time relationship or trying to get that. But what about fuckbuddies, one night sex and that kind of things? I´m interested in what you have to say about that and your tips.

  26. Mavis says:

    RE: ABUSE. Get a therapist and work out how/why it happened and where your involvement is there. Did your family background condition you to expect less? What happened to give you a ‘Bastard Radar’? Have you still got it? How did you miss it first, why did you accept it for however long it lasted? Do the men you ‘pick’ subconsiously match one of your parents? There’s lots to think about and a good therapist will help you do that. I know my ‘BR’ got me into situations but learning from it has put me in a place of my own power. Now an abuser can’t get past my boundaries, my line in the sand. If therapy costs, buy a good book. Go online and reasearch this type. Get yourself sorted, then good love will come if you want it. You are not the only one if you experienced this but you will learn, survive and be better for it.

  27. Edith says:

    Who should make the first move if he’s younger?

  28. SAMJH in Nippon says:

    Wonderful idea for the vids! Love it! The questions and answers about younger men and exes hit particularly close to home for me. If I could ask a question, it would be about how to get over someone you really loved but wasn’t good to you. I’m a year past the falling off of a messy but meaningful-to-me relationship, but I still have times of grieving, especially after accidentally bumping into his family members or friends out in public. When that happens, I feel like maybe I haven’t come nearly as far as I wish I were. I’m at a loss for what to do next aside from continuing to challenge myself in other areas of my life, but those are mainly distractions from this problem area, I think…

  29. Lina says:

    I always love your advice! I have one question that I hope you can feature in a future video/blog post:

    Thanks to your great advice from the videos and book, I am developing more confidence in myself and I am now in a relationship with a guy I really like. However, he has a best friend who is extremely negative and insecure; she has all of the qualities that I have been trying to avoid for myself. Ideally, he would want us all to become friends and hang out often. How do I approach this situation without exposing myself to her negativity?

  30. Jane says:

    PLEASE DO A POST/VIDEO ABOUT TINDER!!!!!!!!!!

  31. Jill says:

    I’ve never understood the whole getting back with your ex thing. I have girl friends who do it all the time mainly because they would rather be with the wrong guy then try to find the right guy. My brother seemed to have a bad habit of doing that too but finally stopped when I introduced him to his wife. :)

  32. DENISE says:

    Matt, I think this Question & Answer video is a great idea. Your answers were very good – great advice!

  33. Christine says:

    Hey Matt,

    Thank you so much for this video, I loved the “answering questions” idea!! Some of the questions were ones I wanted answered. You’re so great at what you do, thanks a lot!!

    Christine

  34. Kathleen says:

    Hey Matt,
    Great video!!! I love the Q&A!!!
    perhaps you could give your opinion on why some married people have the audacity to pursue relationships outside their marriages.
    I recently started dating some guy 6 weeks ago and things were going good we hung out, went to the movies, out to lunch and dinners, he even spent the night once at my place (nothing happened. Thank God!!!)
    Anyhow things started feeling odd on a gut level and then I found out he is married. I did confront him about it and he said that him and the misses are not doing so well in their marriage and that he didn’t think I’d mind…WTF!!!
    Do I look like I want some second hand BS? Do I look like I’m dragging my self-esteem behind me on the ground?
    FECK NO!!! I’m so pissed right now!!! and I feel just awful for his wife to be married to a scum like that…

  35. Kalee says:

    This was a great idea! and I have been dying to ask you some questions that relate to work relationships!

    So I am new to NYC and only know my roommates (who never seem to want to do anything). I started making friends at work, but it seems as if everyone is already in their routines when it comes to what they do on the weekends or outside of work? What or how do you suggest I go about making new friends outside of work when I normally go exploring or what not by myself?

    As far as actual work relationships go, there are a couple guys at work that I would love to get to know better. Not sure if it could turn into anything more than friendship, but I really want to find out. How do I go about asking or seeing if there is potential for anything? I have tried the “a few of us go out every other wednesday, next time you should come with us.” But week days never seem to work out, then by the time the weekend’s come they already have their normal routines.

    What can I do to stand out enough for even one of the guys to want to spend time with me instead of his normal group of friends?

    Please help! haha

    Love,
    Kalee

  36. Valerie says:

    I think this short video is great Matt, it answered some questions very concisely and that is what you need sometimes, some quick answers! Thanks

  37. Darcy says:

    I loved this video (I love all your videos), and I would love to see more like this. Here is my question: what do you do about a guy who says he doesn’t want a relationship with you or with anyone right now, but then he keeps reaching out by email and then calling?

  38. michelle says:

    hey Matt, I’ve just recently discovered your blog and many of your philosophies confirm what I have been learning which is men dont make the moves!!!!!!! Although frustrating I have my eye on someone and am determined to be proactive but I would only have one opportunity at a party. what is an effective but subtle way to get someones attention amongst a crowd

  39. Erin says:

    Thanks for answering our questions Matt. I’d be interested in extended verbiage on dating younger men. Or more precisely, why some women attract them. Because I pretty much agree with what you said, but, what if they’re your only options? How do you fix that?

    For example, I’m in my early 30’s, but look like I’m 23-25 (so everyone tells me). So far in life I only seem to attract guys that are between 22 and 25, or occasionally older than 40. Kind of like what you said, I don’t mind dating a few years older or younger if we’re on similar wavelengths, but that’s almost 10 years either direction.

    I’ve been called an “old soul”, a “goofball”, love to learn/read, rarely drink, never had a one-night stand, and while I love to dance, there’s no table top dancing or stripping antics, so I can’t imagine it’s because these guys think I’m a party girl. In fact I’ve been called “the marrying type” more than once. But ya can’t get married if you’re attracting the not-in-a-marriage-mode type, ya know? ;) I’m open to the idea that it may be something I’m doing but I have no idea what…

  40. Kara says:

    Hi Matt! Love this new bite-sized format–very easy to digest. Keep it coming!

    My request for the next video/question is actually one to help me help my friends. I’ve got lots of girlfriends who married or in serious relationships who have been out of the dating game for a while. Although they are super sweet to try to set me up with men, they just don’t quite understand the right way to do it. I personally dislike being introduced with “You two would be so perfect for each other!” And then my girlfriends just sit and stare at us to see if a connection is made…#awkward! This removes the male instinct to hunt the woman, like you’ve talked about so much. I’d rather do a million blind dates than have a guy forced on me again. How can I help my friends without being a jerk? What’s a good way for them to introduce two people and still let them feel like they are choosing each other?

    Any advice is appreciated. Thanks so much!!!

  41. Pieva says:

    It is a brilliant idea regarding a quick-fire video. However, I would like you Mathew to elaborate on friend zone concept (whether it is worth to try to get out of it and if so how to do that).

  42. aimee says:

    Hi Matt – you’re the best! You’re advice is spot on. Question – can you provide a serious discussion on why men might not be able to perform in the bedroom once you both decide its the right time? My last three relationships with younger men (28-36 yrs old, I’m 38 yrs old), they have had performance issues and they have all said I make them nervous. They are saying this in a “complementary” way, but at this point its not feeling that way. My other experiences in my younger years….never had problems with partners, actually the opposite affect…had partners always “turned on easily” by me. Thoughts?

  43. yangease says:

    AWESOME VIDEO! GREAT ANSWERS!

  44. Red says:

    Hi Matt,
    Loved your book! I was dating a man for ten years and waited patiently for him to pop the question. After hearing way too many empty promises and outlandish excuses (including that rising gas prices prevented him from saving for a ring), I finally bit the bullet and walked away. Fast forward four months later and I’m developing feelings for his best friend! We have so much in common and he is a man of his word who wants a family one day like me! Could this ever work? We don’t want to destroy their friendship but I also feel like I’ve sacrificed my happiness for way too long.

  45. Rachel says:

    Loved this method of rapid fire Q&A. Would love it if you gave a heads up in advance so that people could send in their questions knowing you’d be doing a video like this. Thanks for all your lovely videos Matt!

  46. Nina says:

    Hey Matt, yes the age gap worries me.. What i notice when i am with men of same age category , there are similar reference points , yet we are not on same wavelength , unlike men younger than me . We may be in different points in life , but yet we can relate to many things together , the physical and intellectual chemistry( brainal) is awesome , which i find difficult to connect with men my age group .
    I have been badly burnt and bruised in my relationships . I dont have trouble ‘getting a guy’ but rather ‘ keeping the guy’ due to insecurities and the hand of life dealt with – a kid and age factor .
    I have lost hopes for myself and find myself settling For ‘Friends with benefits’ casuals . i crave for a loving caring relationship, i have learnt to numb myself of any feelings and emotions

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hey Nina,

      It’s ok to want a loving relationship, but needing one to be happy is a different story. The first leads to proactivity, the second leads to desperation which scares men away.

      Remember, you don’t need a relationship to give you everything up front, you need to enjoy every stage of it. In other words, fall in love with the process. If you are open to the idea of it going somewhere if he proves himself, that’s healthy. If you are tied to the idea of it going somewhere, that’s dangerous.

      As for the friends with benefits thing, don’t give more of your intimacy than you are comfortable with. The key question is this: “Would I still be comfortable giving this part of me if it never went anywhere?”

      Remember to relax and enjoy every minute x

  47. charise says:

    Hi Matt I have a question!

    See Im not the type of person that wastes ones time and usually in the first stages of the relationship I will go out for three or four dates and if I don’t see it going anywhere I call it quits. The relationship never just slowly dies, I usually cut the cord and end contact. Is there a more prescribed way of ending a relationship that you don’t see going anywhere and how long should you give the other person before calling it off??

    Would love if you would answer this question. I have been so misguided in this area, I’m sure other women are as well.

    ps Matt. I’ve been following you for sometime now and you have really built up my confidence. Thanks again.

  48. Funmi says:

    Thanks Matthew! I really enjoyed this question and answer format and would love to see more of it in the future. Keep up the great work!

  49. Lourdes says:

    Thanks Matthew!! Yes more question and answer videos please:) xo

  50. Lana says:

    Thank you, Matthew, as always for your pearls of wisdom! We love what you consistently bring to the table for us !!

    But most importantly, thank you for helping me officially take you off of my “what if list” (you being the younger man) ;-)

  51. Mel says:

    Yes thank you for this video. This type if Q&A session is very helpful. I would love it if you do more of these videos!:)
    One question I’m dying to get answered is:

    What guys perceive as a challenge in the beginning stages of a relationship?

    Thank you.

  52. Deborah says:

    Cougar stereotype is uncomfortable.

    Agree with your video that age difference is significant. As a newly separated women, on the path to divorce, I find myself surprised and amazed that younger men are so aggressive. It is indeed a different world.

    I think value systems and family systems need to be congruent and age may be a best fit+/- 5 years. No man really understands why you have to suddenly leave him to fly across the world to check on your adult children, unless they themselves have children.

    But ladies, we do deserve to have some fun; so there is nothing wrong with a dinner or two as long as it is kept entertaining and light; they are often incredible amusing and romantic.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Agreed. Fun is good.

      Where I think it’s dangerous is in overestimating what something is going to be. Something being a good time now is a poor measure of whether it will still exist 5 years from now. We have to be looking at a lot of other factors at the same time. x

      • jackie says:

        Matthew, you know I love you and am a massive fan since I first met you at your UK book signing. I was the one who mentioned Toyboywarehouse and age gap relationships, much to the amusement of others in the room- including yourself! :)As a woman who usually dates men 20 -25 years my junior (and has had a 2 year relationship with one of them), I have to agree with the comments you have made here EXCEPT that I think you should take out the reference to age gap relationships in them. Those comments apply to ANY relationship don’t they? Since I went to the women’s weekend I have given much thought to the importance of values and at last have identified mine and prioritised them. At the end of a 2 year relationship with a younger man, I realise even more the relevance of what you have said about values, and the importance of partners giving similar priority to similar values. I think this is the case whether there is an age gap or not. Truth is, I’m not fussed whether they are young or old- I am only interested in whether there is an attraction or not, whether our values are congruent, and whether we can have a good old laugh together. That seems like a pretty good recipe for a long and happy relationship to me. And just in case anyone is curious, my values are family, honesty, respect and compassion. I split with my lovely younger man because his were monarchy, country, britishness. I think this is a good example of why age is just a number and tells you absolutely nothing and for this reason is just not important to me. Muchos love x x

  53. Carla says:

    Hi Matt!

    This video was so timely for me, it was amazing! Thank you for your thoughts on how to trust again after an abusive situation – I watched the video more than once just to absorb what you said. Thoughts and behavior can be shaped – consciously or subconsciously – by an experience of abuse, even if it was in the distant past. Although being able to trust a man again can be difficult, on the other side of the coin is learning to trust yourself. Over the years I’ve learned instead of overlooking certain behaviors, to pay attention to my intuition and those “red flags” — they’ve saved me from a lot of additional pain and suffering.

    Thanks again – be blessed!
    Carla

  54. Patricia says:

    Hey Matt! Hi from Brazil again!
    Thanks so much for effort and dedication on the videos you put out. Every piece of information you give is really helpful and valueable.
    Cant wait for the next one!
    Have a great Sunday!
    Xoxo

  55. A. says:

    I love this format too. I’d been missing some Matt-input to the questions here. And Jameson (Hi Jameson!). :-)

    Before Get The Guy I had a good life but didn’t meet many men. I’ve decided I’m more relaxed and myself meeting people doing activities I like, rather than on the street (grocery store, Starbucks, etc.). My passions are cooking, yoga, volunteering with children, sewing, things that are very female-centered. I’ve tried doing a mix of things. Things I like and things men like to do, but I get bored at things that don’t interest me and I honestly only have so much time. I do try to be interested and have tried loads of new things in the past year, but I miss doing things I already enjoy all on their own. For example, I met a guy who was a Buddhist and went to a lot of Buddhism things with him which was his passion. After a few months, I had to tell him it wasn’t going to be my passion (I really tried) and we fell out of touch.

    So what to do? Continue with singles events/bars/things that don’t truly interest me but lots of men come to or focus on making myself happy with the female-centered activities I really love to do?

  56. Jessica says:

    I’m 25 and a 20 year old has been trying to date me. I’ve been hesitant to give it a chance because he is so much younger. Ironically, I’ve also been asked out by a 49 year old guy. He has so much energy and is very confident about himself. Unfortunately, I have yet to go out with him. We’ve exchanged phone calls and such, but our timing has been awful. Since we werent able to get together on a date, he’s now dating someone else. I just wonder if he became hesitant the way I did with the 20 year old.

  57. Amal Abboud says:

    Brilliant! Thanks so much! Loved it!

    Mathew, is it true that if a man is interested in you you he’ll make a move after the first 3 times of seeing? Or is this a myth? Don’t some men need more time than others?

    Thanks,
    Amoula

  58. Solana says:

    Hey matt. I cant thank you enought. I usually get emotional involved to fast. That answer was what i need it.

    Love this pull of q&a.

    Cheers

  59. Anna says:

    Love the quick-fire format, Matt – I agree with another poster, making it a monthly feature would be great.

    Gotta slightly disagree with you on the age-gap advice, though. As a woman who was with a younger guy for 12 years, it’s erroneous to assume that ‘because he’s younger, is he still going to want to be with me in 10 years’ time?’

    The error is assuming that *anyone* you’re with now will still want to be with you in 10 years’ time. Starting off at the same age is not a guarantee that either one of you won’t change or evolve, or won’t have a mid-life/health crisis which fundamentally shifts your world view, values or priorities.

    As the first responder here notes, guys appear to want younger and younger partners as they get past 40. Kids, responsibilities and just sheer *life* can have a detrimental affect on relationship longevity, wherever you’re starting from.

    To the 42-year-old lady who’s hesitating about dating the 33-year-old-guy; do you share the same values and background? Are his friends settled/settling down so he’s not bucking his social group’s trends? Is he generally attracted to older women? Do his actions match his words? Does he want kids soon/ever?

    Have some low-key dates, refrain from sleeping with him, gather enough data to make an informed decision. If he’s not able to make you happy, move on. But it’s often better to check out the reality of something than to run scared of an assumption and regret what ‘could have been’.

  60. Viola says:

    Great video! Amazing! so much info in one video! Thank you, Matthew :)

  61. angela davis says:

    Love this question and answer.

  62. niamh says:

    Hi Matt

    I have a question. how do you get a guy to commit if he says he doesn’t “do” relationships? the guy I like is a bit like Paul Janka and I know he is now married so how do I change his mindset?? my friends just tell me he’ll never change. but I disagree.

    Niamh

    xx

  63. Rebecca says:

    Hi Matt. Re age difference – I’m 52, in great shape but find that men of my own age group want, expect and seem to get women 10 to 15 years younger. My last two dates were 62 years old so in a sense I’m complying. But it’s either that or nothing. How do I get around this problem?

    • Anna says:

      As a 41 year old women who’s weary of being messaged by men 10 to 15 years older (and who’s often replied that they should seek someone in their own age group – they’re missing out by not dating you!), I can imagine how it can be tough.

      Have you tried the meetup website for a socialising group near you? Certainly the ones I’m a member of have men your age group and, without the ability to pick a drop-down age range fuelled by their preconceptions, they can see IRL how you’re the kind of complete package they’re unconsciously looking for.

      Secondly, perhaps you could try the toyboywarehouse website, with a limited age-range selected (perhaps 40+), to meet men who share your youthfulness and are in a similarly great shape.

      Good luck!

  64. Jasmine Che says:

    I loved it! It’s also nice to just be speaking for just a few minutes about different topics. It has a good feel to it.

    Thank you very much xx

  65. Kristina says:

    Yes definitely enjoyed that and would like more! I have a question for the next video if you make another one:

    Im 23 and I’ve been with my bf for 1 year and 1 month. I told him I love you at 7 months and he didn’t say it back. I couldn’t help it and told him again around 10 months and then just last week with still no return. He says that hes not going anwhere and he’ll say it soon, but doesn’t know why he can’t right now. He said that at 10 months as well as last week. ….Translate? What’s missing?

  66. Nicola says:

    Q & A – great idea – more please.

  67. Cheryl Williams says:

    Hi Matt

    I agree with Jo below, loved the question and answers video and it would be great to have this as a regular feature.

    Thanks for your support.

    Cheryl
    x

  68. Cara says:

    Fantastic advice, as always. Thank you, Matt!

    Cara

  69. jen says:

    Love the q&a idea. dont know if you can help….
    I seem to be giving off the wrong signals. I am a busy business woman doing a postgrad at uni, divorced (but not bitter) happily getting on with my life. Have a great group of female friends. I don’t ‘need’ a man but want a man. My signals apparently are that i don’t want one. What could i be doing wrong?

  70. Jo says:

    Hey Matt

    I really love this question and answer format and the advice is very good, as always. I would love to see it as a regular feature, perhaps once a month?

    Oh a big thank you for arriving in my inbox early on my Birthday, now I get to enjoy my Matt shaped birthday present all day :)

    Take care

    Jo x

  71. Sarah Y. says:

    Great format! I do have a few questions. Please answer them if you can thanks!

    1. You’ve said that before a guy commits to you, you have to make every single date incredible, and you shouldn’t do some things for a guy until you’re in a relationship. How do you do that and what are those things?
    2. You’ve said that initial passion is overrated. So is it unrealistic to want to be crazy in love with a person, or is simply liking the person enough if you share the same values, etc?
    3. What is the difference between settling and being realistic?

  72. laya says:

    Great format. Particularly liked the advice/framework for thinking about younger men. One follow on question. My concern with younger men (or even men of the same age that don’t have children from before) is with regards having a family. I’m in my early forties, in great shape, and apparently should be able to have kids with no problem. I’m always concerned with a younger man (or similar age) that if it turns out to be difficult to have kids, is that game over for the relationship?

  73. Lily Callahan says:

    Hi Matt, always enjoy your videos. Watch them even though I have already found the love of my life because you have such interesting approaches to issues.

    Some alternate responses to the questions raised here. First as someone whose partner is seven years younger than herself, I think a woman needs to ask herself whether it is her own prejudices or sensible reservations that are holding her back. Matt, you are absolutely right that people around the same age will have similar frames of reference and sometimes different expectations and this should be taken into consideration. However, a woman needs to be careful that their ideal of a certain age, height, kind of look does not obscure what they actually need from a partner–love, respect, a sense of humor, some one who is on the same wavelength intellectually and shares interests. As a 5’9 geeky woman, I have had meaningful relationships with men I would never have considered dating when younger–shorter, younger, bald, and/or who worked with their hands rather than a profession such as doctor. Really cool guys come in all sorts of packages so flexibility to externals can be useful when looking for a partner.

    Second, about abusive relationships. I was once at a party where an attractive guy started chatting me up and then after a while lost interest in our conversation and moved away. Later on I found out he was a known abuser of women and that he had latched on to a woman with a history of being in abusive relationships at the same party. Looking back at my conversation with him, I realized that he had said something vaguely insulting and I had responded with the equivalent of “excuse me”…a fairly mild rejection of the insult. Because I am self confident, his “neg” almost rolled off my back and I was spared his attention. So when dating, just be aware of men who slip in little insults. They are not who you need, even if they are charming and sort of mysterious. Negs can be the sign of really serious problems.

  74. Feebee says:

    Great video. Great advice. I have a question. Your techniques in getting the attraction doesn’t seem to work on shy guys. Any other advice in how to deal with the shy ones? Thanks.

    • Vahishta says:

      That’s also my problem. Although when I talked to him 2 times, and he was super friendly, the other times he makes himself very busy when I’m around and I even think that he hates me!! :|

  75. Sarah says:

    This video was very helpful and encouraging especially because I’ve been in an abusive relationship before. I’d definitely like to see more stuff like this and probably some more stuff about recovering from bad relationships. Thank you so much, Matt! Your advice helps on so many levels.

  76. esi123 says:

    Great info some of the same questions I’ve been asking myself

  77. Clara66 says:

    Loved the quick fire answer format. It’s clarified my younger guy problems a lot, thank you

  78. Priya says:

    Well said.

  79. Hidz says:

    Matth, my friend and I just talked about you few seconds before this video alert came into my email. We were like what!!! We were also talked about dating younger guys. Funny. I love every piece of advice you gave us. Thank you Matt. Your keep the guy advices is really helping me to seth through my situation right now. I am glad that you are my life coach. I love you and thanks!

  80. Danielle says:

    Loved this! Please keep doing this series of videos!

[i]
[i]
[index]
[index]
[523.251,1046.50]
[523.251,1046.50]
[523.251,1046.50]
[523.251,1046.50]
Read previous post:
3 Quick Ways To Fix An Argument (iHeartRadio)

Today we're talking about how to fix an argument. Here are 3 simple ways to mend the damage - or...

Close