Is It Wrong To Stroke The Male Ego?

This is article #33 to be published on the Get The Guy blog from my brother Stephen. Steve helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.

(Photo: David Levitz)

Enter Stephen

Everyone needs to feel special.

On this blog I’ve previously written about the importance of making a guy feel unique by totally believing in him, so that when he’s around you he feels like he can take on the world.

One of the main identifiable traits in the woman men are attracted to is her ability to be impressable, meaning she is capable of being impressed by his character and attributes.

This idea is backed up by the words of psychologist Jay Carter, who says:

“A man will feel even more motivated to please a woman he loves if he knows that, in general, she already thinks the world of him.”

He gives the example that “Once a woman tells a man how responsible and caring he is, he’ll usually do all he can to live up to that image.”

So a guy wants to feel like you admire and support him in a way that no-one else does. This is particularly true of ambitious men, incidentally.

Tall order, right?

Admiration Does NOT mean submission

Some women will read this and think it’s common sense. They naturally assume that any guy they’re with will be amazing and impressive, and so are happy with the idea of showing a guy little reminders of their admiration for him in the form of gestures, physical touching and kissing, or just in the words they use to describe him in shared company.

But there’s another kind of female reader who is repelled by this idea of showing effusive admiration for a guy. For them it smacks too much of worshipping or being submissive. It all sounds like another excuse to stroke the precious male ego instead of having a relationship of equals.

Therefore, the idea of showing a guy a ton of admiration usually prompts at least three common responses:

1. “Does a strong, confident man really need this kind of ego stroking?”

2. “Is it really necessary to make a guy feel like I’m a poor helpless woman who looks up to him to take care of everything in my life?”

3. “A guy should feel 100% self-assured without me. The kind of man I need should be spending all his time worrying about treating me like a princess, rather than how he can be worshipped like a king.”

My answers to these responses, respectively, are: Yes, No, and You’re Probably Not Ready For a Mutually Loving Relationship.

Let me explain each in more detail.

No. 1 – Yes, strong confident men need your admiration and support just as much as anyone else. In fact, possibly more so. Think about it: successful, ambitious men put a hell of a lot of work and investment into their accomplishments, more than most guys, and they want to be with someone who appreciates them for this drive, work ethic and dedication.

There’s nothing contradictory about a guy being confident and strong and still needing appreciation for those qualities. The only ones you have to watch out for are the narcissists, those junkies for praise who selfishly demand endless compliments without giving anything back in return (you’ll know this guy by two calling cards: (a) he’ll insinuate that he thinks he’s inherently superior to everyone else and (b) his refusal to acknowledge anyone else’s achievements other than his own).

No. 2 – No, the worst thing you could be do is be a poor helpless woman. The woman men most crave admiration from is one whom they admire and respect themselves. The better and more successful you are, the sexier it is when you give him support for his ambitions as well. Admiration does not mean passive submission.

Making a guy feel like a god only works if you play the role of a goddess yourself.

No. 3 – Here’s the thing. I am all for treating women like princesses. I love being supportive as a boyfriend, spoiling a woman, telling her she’s a goddess and taking care of her needs. But that doesn’t exclude the opposite either. If you aren’t willing to make him feel as incredible as you want him to make you feel, you just might not be ready to give what is required for an incredible, mutually loving relationship yet. And that’s fine by the way, you don’t have to be make a guy feel this way if you’re not interested in his long-term affection, and would rather casually date and take it easier.

Men Need To Feel Chosen

Remember, this isn’t treating any guy like you admire him. I’m not recommending you mindlessly ego-stroke men you have no interest in. But know that guys in relationships need to feel like you’re with them for a unique reason. He wants to feel as though, even though you had options, there was something so special about him you admired that put him above everyone else. Guys need to feel like something about who they are (and not just what they do) impresses you in a way that no other guy can. This is incidentally, why showing admiration for a guy does not imply meaningless flattery. It has to come from a sincere place of you feeling like he is special. If you indulge him with senseless ego-stroking, he’ll either feel its falseness and lose respect for you, or, if nothing else, you’ll lose respect for yourself!

This isn’t making a guy feel like you depend on him, because you don’t. It’s about making him feel chosen.

Men need to feel chosen. They need assurance that they are there for a reason.

The longer you’re in a committed relationship, the more you hold a man’s entire sexual and emotional self-esteem in your hands. Encourage it and he’ll do amazing feats just to please you.

This doesn’t mean you have to coddle him, be his mother, or treat his ego like a fragile ornament, but for your relationships sake, at least handle it with care.

What are the traits you most admire in your guy that you never tell him? Let me know in the comments below!

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46 Responses to Is It Wrong To Stroke The Male Ego?

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  1. Joseph says:

    I am a guy and I read your article….it is 100% true.

  2. Lynn says:

    Problem for me is that whenever I do the right thing by a man, such as described in this article, he eats it up like candy and walks away. I treat a man like a king, only to be treated like shit and garbage in return. I don’t date or get involved anymore as s result. It’s just not worth all the nonsense.

  3. anja says:

    I admire a guy who’s ambitious, hard working, strong, versatile, etc.

  4. Lisa says:

    I love this article, I feel men don’t get complimented as much as women do, especially meaningful compliments not just superficial ones. I’m talking about ones that are deep and make them feel special and important. Compliments about what you love about their character.

    I do have a question though, what if there’s someone you want to share a deep compliment with but you are not dating. Do guys like being complimented by women friends or will they get freaked out and think this girl has it bad for them? Ok, so there is a guy and we are friends, there has been playful flirting a bit, but that was awhile ago and there hasn’t been much communication with us at all for a few months, during our friendship I did not compliment him much at all, in fact we used to make fun of his ego at times, he does not have a big ego at all, (he gets a lot of female attention but he pokes fun at himself a lot)

    So, because of the nature of our friendship right now, is it ok If I compliment him? There are just things I wanted to tell him about how much I admire what he does and about how he treats others, but never got a chance to and now that we don’t talk much I’m afraid to say it.

  5. Laura says:

    I admire and adore it when my boyfriend praises me in public, openly telling all our friends and family that I am the the most beautiful, most intelligent woman he knows and how he can’t believe I chose him. He also does little things to look after me and not a day goes by where he does not make me feel loved. I tell him how much I appreciate this all the time, and he continues to do it more. Definitely admiration well deserved, not ego stroking.

  6. martina says:

    I like when a guy does the same thing in your article. I also love to feel choosen – to see I am the special and different from others. When I see that HE SEES this, I am more attracted to the guy! I must never feel like I am 1 of many – that is turn off for me.. But its very importand to feel that he doesnt see me “so special” just because I look beautiful (because I do)…for me it´s very important to intuitively feel that he has connection with my soul (my personality). Other things I like in guy but keep it mostly for myself are:
    When he stands by me also in public.
    When he REALLY listens to me. When he is honestly interested in me – then I see he is not just with me for fun time, for my beauty or our sex…but he is with me because he loves who I am (my soul) as a whole packet.
    i love when he is worried about me (if I travell he is honestly curious if i am ok etc.). It makes me feel so loved and safe.
    I love he can sense when I am not ok and he tries to help, he wants to be there for me. He doesn´t run away.
    I really love when he knows what to do in the bed – all his moves are just so confident and he has the situation under control.
    I love when he is so much crazy funny himself at some times because it makes me more myself and fun. There´s no stress to be perfect all the time.
    I absolutely love when he is able to make fun of himself at times he does some mistake – when other guys in the same situation (who are too egoistic) would get so angry.
    What I really like but I dont say is when he is honest with me and he is not afraid to put my flaws on the light (in a good way..or funny way) – then I feel more respect for him because he seems so confident in that moments and he reminds me I am not perfect (but he likes me anyway) and he also what is so good about that is that he is just NOT afraid of loosing me when telling me true about myself – he seems to have so much power in that moment and its so sexy because he looks like strong and confident man.

  7. T says:

    I think it relates back to what was said about admiration not being submission. Also how much you value yourself as a woman. If you value yourself, your standardards change..yes complimenting both ways is obviously imperative, and and now for me personaly I have grown into a woman that can say thank you when being complimented and hey let’s face facts, ego stroking necessary, with value. Thanks

  8. Elena says:

    Stephen, you are amazing! Thank you for your thoughtful posts!

    Elena

  9. kish says:

    Stephen, you make some wonderful points. But here is where I have a slightly different take–

    1) I believe admiration/support/compliments work for both people in a relationship. The problem with some men is that they NEED compliments/admiration/acknowledgement regardless of whether they have done anything to show it. Not only in relationships but even at work I see that my male colleagues will sometimes act difficult until I praise them. THAT I believe is annoying because it reeks of insecurity. Even in the early stages of dating, men desire admiration and try very hard to impress women. I have seen many men constantly fish for compliments. THIS is what most women have a problem with. Why do guys need so much ego stroking to perform well at work or just to move things along in dating? I cannot tell you how much “encouragement” men need in dating that comes in the form of compliments or flattering them in some way–like laughing at their jokes or taking their advice.They want compliments first–then they deliver. Sometimes I wonder if man only wants me ONLY BECAUSE I make him feel amazing and not because I AM amazing. I feel that many men want women who desire them and not so much for their own sake. For me, I like men for who they are and while I expect to be treated well by my suitors THAT is not why I fall for them.

    2) The second problem is that men get really full of themselves pretty fast. Compliment a woman, she will deny it or doubt it. Compliment a man–he will simply agree and launch into another 10 min speech of how even more wonderful he is. They do this even with women they are not romantically interested in. I have seen this first hand. It doesn’t stop there. Their egos get SO inflated that they think they are too good for you and then use that boost to go hit on the really hot girls.

    3) Also, it is not that women *make* men feel that they are poor and helpless when they compliment. In my experience, men reach that conclusion all by themselves. They seem to view the world as a hierarchy and a zero sum game. So if you compliment them–they automatically ASSUME that you must be below them to look up to them in some way. They get all smug and throw pearls of wisdom about to “help” you “improve” yourself so that you can become “just like them”. Even a simple courtesy compliment can achieve this result.

    4) Also, it is not that most women or I feel that guys should get their own self worth but treat women like goddesses. No. We believe that this is a two way street. Both men and women should derive their self worth from themselves but they can also compliment and acknowledge and celebrate each other. What is really unattractive in both sexes is the requirement of constant reassurance.

    5) Many guys love to lap up compliments and do not return them. Not that it is a transaction but a lot of them are not so socially attuned (not as much as women, anyway) to see the good in others. So there appears to be degree of self-absorption even in non-narcissistic males.

    6) Another problem I have with complimenting men is that sometimes their achievements in the light of my own are simply not that impressive yet there is an underlying expectation from them that I SHOULD be impressed because other women before me have been. I really don’t know what to do about this. I try to be tactful but how can I be naturally impressed with say for example, someone who can juggle 3 balls when I can juggle 5 whereas most women would be impressed by a guy who can juggle even 2 (which isn’t even juggling)?

    So personally, I’m not in favor of giving compliments to guys. Appreciation for things they have done–yes. But admiration is a little more tricky. One has to truly earn it and that doesn’t happen all that much.

    That said, given men’s need for an ego stroke, many women successfully exploit this trait to their advantage regularly at the expense of women like me.

    I’m saying all this in general terms because I have seen this consistently with a lot of guys over and above what I have seen in women. Although there ARE certain women (esp. good looking ones) who require constant ego strokes for their beauty even from men and women alike. But this quality doesn’t cut across women as much as men.

    Also, women need to feel “chosen” too. In fact, many of the qualities that dating gurus mention that men want–well guess what–women want them too! Because are all HUMAN after all and these are HUMAN NEEDS.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Hi kish,

      Thanks for the comment!

      This is a lot to take on so I’ll just say a few random things about certain points you raised.

      On points 1) and 2), I think guys place real value on compliments from women they respect/admire/are attracted to themselves. An ego boost isn’t a terrible thing unless, as you say, he uses it to act like an ass. In my experience though guys actually get complimented less than woman, especially since women are more often complimented for their looks and from guys who approach them. Guys rarely get complimented on their looks, for example, so it means a big deal when they do.

      I would say you’re right that you don’t want to lavish praise on just any guy who doesn’t really deserve it (save admiration for the ones who EARN your admiration). That said, compliments don’t have to be huge. They can be tiny and effective, for example, if used when a guy does something chivalrous or kind, or if he does something that shows he thought about you (bringing you a coffee for example). Guys love this appreciation, and it only makes him want to be better for you usually! I can’t speak for all these ego-maniac guys you seem to be meeting, but I’ve no doubt they exist. I can only say that you should see them as a ‘type’ of man, rather than make generalisations about ALL men as a gender on that basis.

      And yes, on your other point (4), reassuring = never sexy. Complimenting hopefully should never be about placating someone’s need to be constantly reassured. I think of compliments more as cute, affectionate reminders i.e. reminders of how sexy you find him, or how special she is to you.

      To move to point (6), if you don’t want to compliment guys because you don’t find them impressive, date more impressive guys. Or, at the very least, date guys who at least have characteristics you find a turn-on and can praise, even if they haven’t achieved that much in their life yet e.g. you can admire a guy’s drive and ambition even if he hasn’t reached the peak of his career yet.

      Finally, I agree, much of this is about human needs. I also think though that men wrap a ton of self-esteem in performing actions in order to impress women, and even strong, well-balanced men tend to gravitate towards women who show appreciation for their best qualities (again, as long as those qualities actually exist). The psychologists have all kinds of explanations for why they think men are inclined this way but I won’t go into them here. But naturally, as you say, both sexes needs compliments for a healthy relationship.

      Thanks,

      Stephen x

      • Zorylee says:

        It sounds like ego stroking only works in a positive manner when the guy has mutual feelings as the girl in the relationship…

        • kish says:

          In my experience it seems to be the other way around. They gravitate towards women who admire them because it makes them feel good–like a man or like a “hero”. In fact admiration seems to play a very important role in starting and fueling romantic relationships.

          I once saw a documentary on the husbands of two twin sisters and when asked how/why they chose their twin, each responded that it was the twin who showed more interest/admiration for them that mattered. This is a good case study because here the women looked identical and had many traits in common so they could have picked either twin.

          On the other hand, I also agree with the statement that guys DO place a high value on compliments coming from women they like/admire/respect in the same way they value compliments coming from a boss, parent, authority figure, idol, hero–or anyone whose opinion counts.

      • kish says:

        Thanks for your very helpful answer Stephen. Appreciate it, as always.

        The men who have admirable traits are also often the ones who can get a bit too full of themselves. It is hard to find someone truly awesome yet humble so you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince.

      • kish says:

        Thanks for all your wonderful points/suggestions!

        But one thing about dating impressive guys–well most of them *know* they are impressive and are most susceptible to getting full of themselves when you praise them even mildly. Finding someone who is impressive (even in small ways but humble or at least not arrogant) is a bit difficult.

        • Natalie says:

          I understand what Kish wanted to say and I agree with her about the fact that men usually accept compliments confidently and at the same time, without a hint of how they sound like an ass. However, I get the impression that they act so because a) they’re not used to this sort of positive feedback, since male friends are definitely not a source of flattering or b) they were raised to believe in themselves and to be proud of their achievement, something that only now is being taught to girls in many countries. On the other hand, as Stephen said, not every man is like this. Most guys I know actually fake it, hoping they’ll make it somehow, because they think a man should be always confident. My best friend is the perfect example. He’s talented, ambitious and thoroughly admired by almost anyone that knows him – including me, naturally – but deep down he is never 100% sure of his success, not even close, and I listen to him worrying about not being good enough, when we’re alone. He has even said to me a few times that he’s not so great as I am, what made me really surprised, since I kind of thought the opposite. So, perhaps the problem is not the lack of humble men, but the lack of women willing to try and get to know them better.

  10. Kerly says:

    Very good article!
    If course a woman should stroke his man’s ego.
    It should go both ways.
    I’ve been together with my boyfriend over 5 months
    now and we never stop complimenting eachother and
    appreciating eachother. There’s never too many compliments when
    it comes to your partner.
    :)

  11. Shae says:

    Well done, Stephen!

    I think compliments are crucially important for both sides. It’s more than just expressing admiration. It’s commending, encouraging, and very personal. And the more specific one is, the more impact it seems to make.

  12. A. says:

    Supporting your man when you’re in a relationship and he’s proven that he’s chosen you, makes complete sense. I’m not sure how much of this to do before he’s made that choice, though. Complimenting someone is easy, but I’ve often felt that a man can feel he’s ‘got you’ on so little information. Well, it seems little to me anyhow. That’s the only reason I’d ever hold out on the ego stroking.

    I need to feel chosen. I swear I feel more like the guy in your examples than the girl more often than not. And I am a girl. Girly-girl-dresses-and nail-polish-and-curl-my hair girl. But I want want the guys want and I want it first.

    Good thing I’m on a dating break! I may not quite be ready for relationship right now. But it’s been several months so who knows if/how I’ll ever get ready!

    Cheers,

    A

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Well many of the things on here apply to human beings as much as guys/girls specifically, but I think there is definitely a pronounced male tendency to want to impress (and our egos are very fragile when it comes to the opinions of the women we love).

      At the start of dating a guy, of course you don’t want to get too compliment-heavy. But I’ve noticed that some women try to be so challenging that they never show a guy when they’re impressed and that’s a big mistake. You’re right though, this becomes more and more important as the relationship progresses (and when you become the woman who he wraps his sexual/romantic self-esteem up with).

      All best!

      Stephen

  13. Zorylee says:

    I was in a relationship that I would compliment, praise, stroke his ego when it was called for. He knew without a shadow of a doubt the things I admired in him & my love for him. It reminded me of that line in Star Wars when Leia says: I love you and Han Solo replies: I know. He would compliment me in turn as well. Towards the end of our relationship he said I suffocated him. Sometimes I wonder if men suck up all those compliments & think “I’m amazing, I can find someone better.”

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Hi Zorylee,

      I don’t think compliments are linked to being suffocating. They can be only if they are a bigger part of general needy behaviour (i.e. you compliment him simply in order to flatter him meaninglessly). A man generally feels suffocated not when his woman admires him, but when he believes she is either (a) holding him back from other pursuits in his career or with his friends, or (b) she acts too dependent on him and doesn’t have her own independent sources of fun and self-esteem.

      Hope that makes things clearer.

      Thanks for commenting,

      Stephen x

      • Zorylee says:

        Well good to know his “suffocation” was a lie/excuse then LOL! One of the many reasons I ended the relationship. He apparently was in a different one than I was.

  14. Athirah Mokhtar says:

    I have been doing all the right things. I’m getting to know this guy who gets plenty of admiration from his lady friends and others. But out of all the praises he saw mine to be very sincere. I love stroking his ego because it makes him smile and I am always impressed when he tells me that he decide to venture on new goals. He just wants to be recognized for his hard work and he needs a strong woman on his side when he succeed to sincerely praise him more. I hope one day he sees that I am the woman of his dream and if all fails I at last enjoy being a part of his success and happiness even for a time being.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Hi Athirah,

      Thanks for commenting. It sounds like he is a great guy, but do be careful. What matters is not just that he is a great guy, but whether he is a great guy to YOU. He needs to admire you back also. If you are waiting for him to notice you for your amazing qualities and he hasn’t yet, you could waste a hell of a lot of time waiting for a guy who has no romantic intentions towards you. If that’s the case, the best way to impress him is to move on and meet other people who *do* see you for the amazing woman you are – remember, it’s not your job to convince a guy to date you, it’s something he has to choose on his own.

      Thanks

      Stephen x

  15. Ann says:

    Thanks for the article, really nice.
    There is a guy i admire very much, he fights for what he believes in, is talented in many things and he mostly speaks his mind. He is complimenting and supportive to his friends.
    Still, he seems very loneley at times.
    I asked him if he wanted to go out with me, but he wasn’t interessted. We are still good friends, but sometimes i have the feeling that being just a friend to him makes it more difficult for me to be around him as i have strong feelings for him.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Hi Ann,

      It’s hard to be around someone you like romantically and keep it as friends, especially if you admire them as much as you say you do this guy. It’s probably best to keep a barrier between you, at least while you pursue other romantic options, otherwise you’ll find it impossible to see anyone other than him and you’ll be stuck in the friend trap (something Matt talks about in the GTG book).

      Thanks,

      Stephen x

  16. Jill says:

    I’m going through a moment where I’m really questioning men and their capability to love so I don’t know what to think of this. I’m usually the hopeless romantic but right now I can’t it’s not fathomable.

    • Vavavoom says:

      My thoughts on hopeless romantics are that the problem is that there is no hope for a succesful reltionship when trouble comes by because you’re relying on marshmellow motivational thoughts/hope/believe/faith… but without any hold on reality of how to make a relationship work between two whole individuals.

      I consider myself a deep romantic too, and hopeless in the sense that I see maturity and every marridge advice books as necessary and the way to accomplish that succesful relationship – and believe that you can have your dreams met this way.
      Love/infatuation ISN’T all one needs, knowledge about the fe/male mind, WHO the other person is (try 1001 questions to ask before you get married book*), and the skillset are required. – And then you will have a great marriage – it just doesn’t look the way we imagine from fairytales/infatuation.

      Try watch Tony Robbins 4 types of love on Oprah lifeclass.
      *can be seen on amazon, there’s a look inside button where you can see some of the questions.

      I dunno if this was relevant to your situation, but those are great references for anyone in generel I think :)

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      I don’t think being supportive and admiring of a guy means you’re a hopeless romantic. In my experience self-described ‘hopeless romantics’ tend to become too emotionally involved with guys who are either wrong for them, or they are too intense/needy early on and scare a guy off. Compliments are great as long as they come from a confident place and don’t involve you simply laying out all your feelings for a guy before he really sees you as someone special in his life. He needs to get to that place first where he sees you as someone important to him who he can’t be without.

      Thanks,

      Stephen x

  17. Kathryn says:

    I’m not in a relationship at present, but I can relate to what you say in your article. I think it’s rare to find someone you are impressed with and admire to that level. I think your distinction of being impressed with who they are and not what they do is a crucial point. Especially if that man is ambitious or successful already. There was a man for whom my admiration held no bounds. Already in a world class position and heading for loftier heights, but I knew that wasn’t why I was in awe. I saw a piece he wrote to be on a board, stating he had done a menial job before his training, and it all became clear. The kindness and way he never spoke down to or demeaned anyone of any level was deep down one of the reasons I was so impressed. I obviously hold the same values dear and I honestly don’t think you can hold down a long lasting, truly loving relationship without a huge level of admiration you actively want to nurture because all it could do is deepen an already wonderful bond. I could never be false or deceptively admiring. When two people are hugely impressed with each other you can actually see it on their faces, even in a glance. This is a lovely article Stephen, I do like the ones where you give the male perspective. We’re not all broken or ‘frustrated’ I think was one of your descriptions because we are single, lol. X

    • Kathryn Green says:

      I love Ed Sheerhans song ‘Thinking out loud’. He echoes the sentiments of your piece, it’s deeply romantic.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Thank you Kathryn,

      I hope I never implied that I think *ALL* single people are broken and frustrated LOL! I certainly don’t think that!

      Thanks for your lovely comment, it’s spot on. I think both partners in the relationship should see traits in the other that they want to aspire to.

      All best,

      Stephen X

  18. gg says:

    I definitely admire when he is very serious even thought he is actually a very funny guy. Then I fall in love with him again…. But I will never tell him that, because he would start being serious too often! :)

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Haha That’s funny. Just tell him “I love that you’re so fun and playful but occasionally you have this intense serious side. It’s really sexy to see a guy who can nail both”.

      Thanks gg!

      Steve x

  19. sapphire says:

    love this article,

    I dont have an issue complimenting guys or telling them I respect them if its how I feel, if I like someone why shouldnt I say good things to make them feel good. Perhaps it comes with age, being in my 40’s I feel more confident than I use to. I think its important to accept compliments as well.

    I love the goddess line, it rings so true.

    Thanks Stephen xx

  20. Ann says:

    I am pretty good at complimenting guys I am dating and whatnot. I think frustration comes when a guy you like is bombarded by female attention and you do see women being submissive and stroking his ego. In a relationship, after he’s made effort I think he then deserves more compliments and positive reinforcement for his good actions. Women who aren’t afraid of being nurturing and feminine will compliment men in general them out of love, whether friendship or more, as a way of trying to bring them up, but I hardly see it as stroking the male ego. To me compliments are sincere and stroking a a guys ego is the girl who’s so desperate for attention she’ll say she likes everything he likes, loves everything he thinks and says even if she even does not, that to me is stroking a guy’s ego. A girl who can’t complement a man probably has her own pride issues and of course shouldn’t be in a relationship, but probably always will be…

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Thanks for commenting Ann,

      Totally agree with you. Showing a man admiration isn’t mindless ego-stroking, it’s being a good partner (as long as, as you say, he deserves the praise). I think most guys can detect though when they are being flattered for no reason, and although they enjoy the attention in the moment, they soon detect the falseness of it.

      All the best,

      Stephen x

  21. Sofia says:

    GREAT article, thank you Stephen!
    “Making a guy feel like a god only works if you play the role of a goddess yourself”. This is SO true…
    However, I feel it’s really hard for women to ‘stay’ on the pedestal and ‘ooze divinity’, so to speak, in the long term. How do we maintain the ability to impress each other, to be continually impressed? I’d love an article on that topic.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Thanks Sofia! I’ll write something on that topic soon!

      Steve x

      • JJ says:

        I totally agree with the article; however i believe it also has to work both ways. constantly uplifting someone can be hard work, especially if you dont get it in return.

        sometimes i feel that Matt and you are encouraging us to be superwomen, for men that really dont appreciate it or it gets you no where and then we just get tired or disappointed.

        you should note, on the other hand, there are those guys that need your constant praise/support/attention to move and keep going, which also can be tiring and when you can’t be the superwoman, they look elsewhere.

        i promise you i’m not as bitter as i sound…it just feels that women are asked to be so much for guys that seem to just wing it.

        • AspieCatholicgirl says:

          No, Matt and Steve don’t think we should be in relationships with men who don’t care about us, or don’t make any effort to make us happy, who don’t respect or genuinely love us. Matt and Steve give us good advice about how to behave when in a relationship. But it’s up to us to make sure that the guy we choose to be in a relationship with is a guy who’s worth it.

          With regards to some guys, we women should just move on. But there are also awesome guys out there, as well. It’s up to us who we choose.

        • Stephen Hussey says:

          Hi JJ,

          I get that it can be frustrating that we tell women to be so amazing, when it’s also the guys that need a hell of a LOT of work themselves! Believe me, there are a thousand ways I would also tell guys how to treat their partners (and sometimes I do amongst my male friends!). However, Matt and I always offer the caveat that we are only advising women to be amazing for amazing guys. Guys who aren’t worth this kind of treatment (and there are many) shouldn’t be recipients of your admiration or affection.

          I would also say that it’s all relative. Many men also feel like *they* put a lot of effort in and still can’t get on a woman’s radar, so it’s not the case that all men just ‘wing it’ without trying. Some men do wing it. So do some women. The one’s worth finding are those (male or female) who are dedicated to a higher standard and want to be the most amazing partner they can be for someone else. And they do exist, at least in my experience ;)

          Thanks for your comments,

          Steve x

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