Why Men Are More Chicken Than You Think

Make yourself comfortable and let’s talk about men.

You know that muscular guy in the gym, who spends so much time lifting weights you don’t know how he manages to hold down a full-time job? Or that guy at the bar with the perfectly quaffed hair, who dresses like a GQ model and constantly has that narrow-eyed James Bond look on his face? Or the guy in the Wall Street business suit, who shouts too loudly on his phone because he thinks he’s a modern-day Gordon Gecko?

Do these guys ever intimidate you? Because they shouldn’t.

Look, I know men can be brash and arrogant. Some men just love the sound of their own voice, or being the loudest, most obnoxious person in the room. But don’t mistake all of this posturing for confidence.

I’ve noticed a recurring mindset from my coaching: Most women completely over-estimate the confidence of men.

All of those guys above have insecurities. And even though some men of course are genuinely confident, and maybe even over-confident, we have to be careful of assuming that all guys have the same high opinion of themselves.

Because truthfully, they don’t.

Ask 95% of men to approach a woman and ask for her phone number, and they’ll sweat nervously at the very suggestion. They’ll wonder “what should I say?” “what if her friends laugh at me?” “what if she tells me to go away?”

These things all run through guys heads. Because we men are desperate to be accepted by you women.

I used to joke on my early seminars that if women ever realised the power they truly have over us men, we would be doomed as a gender. And I still mean it.

Men’s self-esteem is so wrapped up in their ability to attract women it’s crazy. It’s why guys lie and brag to their buddies about how many women they’ve slept with. It’s a way of trying to fit in, to be accepted, to be VALIDATED AS A MAN!

Look, I know men and women aren’t totally different species. We are all insecure at times and we all want to be accepted. But male acceptance is heavily built on being attractive to the opposite sex. This is why rejection for a man is so damn painful. Being shot down by a woman is the one thing that can destroy his masculinity.

So what you’ll often find is those loud guys who try and over-compensate by being cocky or too-cool-for-school, do so so that he can feel superior to women….because he’s scared of their power over him.

Unfortunately there’s a real downside to the way that so many women are completely over-estimating male confidence: it’s killing their chances of meeting great guys!

The problem is, women see the few loudest guys in the room, and they assume that all guys are the same. And then they forget about all those great guys in the background that they could have met.

When women over-estimate male confidence it can lead to two responses:

Either…

(a) She tries to be cold and aloof, or combat all that male posturing by playing super hard-to-get. She’ll repel his approaches, be cold towards his jokes, or try to be overly-aggressive so that she can combat his ego.

The problem is, there are only a tiny handful of guys who can take that kind of pressure. Meanwhile, all the great guys who would have spoken to this woman are completely intimidated by her coldness or aggressiveness

Or…

(b) She becomes timid and intimidated, and decides that she’ll simply avoid men altogether.

And as you can guess, both responses don’t work. What we need are some changes in our mindset…

1) Never judge all men based on the loudest guy in the room

Loud guys are desperate for attention and have all kinds of insecurities. Make sure you don’t extrapolate facts about all men on those few guys (imagine if men judged all women based on a few glammed-up, vacuous party girls he sees in nightclubs every week!).

2) Careful about icy exterior

It’s losing you guys and you don’t even know about. Guys who would approach a woman if she was warm and open enough, but are terrified of the ice-queen look.

3) Make men part of your social group

If you want men to seem less alien, start hanging around with more men. Get to know their hang-ups and insecurities; you’ll be amazed at how even great looking guys melt when they see the women they want to approach.

Till next time,

Matthew

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61 Responses to Why Men Are More Chicken Than You Think

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  1. Disillusioned says:

    You contradict yourself, telling women to be high value and respect themselves and men and then making out there is some secret formula to make someone fall for you and to pay $200 for the privilege.

  2. Shannon Hooper says:

    Dear Matt,

    Okay, here’s my problem. I’ve had exactly the opposite issue with guys. I like guys a lot. Not in a sexual way — I just am very laid back and often analytical so I usually get along better with men than women. But I’ve found that men regularly mistake attention or affection for attraction or even sexual aggression and often have really, really weird reactions to thinking I’m attracted to them. And since most of the time I’m not attracted to them at all, this is pretty confusing for me.

    To give you an example, just the other day at work I was laughing and joking around with a male co-worker who I happen to like a lot but in a completely platonic way. He also happens to be very, very obviously gay. We’ve had more than one conversation about the kinds of guys we each like. So, during this last conversation, I asked him if he was single. And, his immediate response? “Oh, I’m gay!”. This was one of those WTF moments I have so often with guys. He genuinely thought I was hitting on him. I mean, this guy is in his mid-twenties, but still. What in the world would make him think after all the other conversations we’ve had that I’m hitting on him and especially in such a blatant, masculine manner? I just would never hit on a guy like that even if I was attracted to him and thought he was straight.

    To give you another example that I still find completely unfathomable, a couple of years ago there was a guy at work who I actually was initially genuinely attracted to. I thought he was a kind, principled, intelligent man who might be a good person to have in my life. I heard him talking in the break room a couple of times with other co-workers about how all of his clothes were too small because of the new crossfit work out he was doing so I teased him a couple of times about his shirt maybe being too small. I later found out from someone else that he took my comments as a sexual come-on and thought I was propositioning him. This is a grown man in his thirties! I might have been attracted to him but I didn’t suddenly turn into a creepy old man. What grown man thinks a woman works like that?

    These are just two of many, many experiences I’ve had where men have taken something I’ve said and turned it into something that it absolutely was not. To me, this is all about arrogance, conceit, and thinking the world revolves around them. I’d love to get your thoughts on this and what it is I’m doing wrong. I sometimes feel like I can’t be friendly with a guy or tease him without him making it super weird or creepy. I really think sometimes that men are just broken in some way, and that makes me really sad to contemplate.

    Best,
    Shannon

  3. 167media.co.uk says:

    Excellent article. I will be going through some of these issues as well..

  4. Cate says:

    Oh gosh, who would have thought of this? I did both of those responses without even meaning it in the first place! Thank you so much for pointing it out, Matthew. I think this really zero-in on my trouble with meeting guys.

  5. Anon says:

    Hmmm. Ive deffo always had problems with feeling intimidated by guys. 8v3 never been in a relationship because everytime I like a guy I automatically switch on to defense mode because im sooo scared of rejection :( especially if a guy is interested in me I tend to back away because im scared I wont meet up to his expectations… is this normal. I just want to be able to naturally talk to a guy I like.

  6. Charlotte says:

    I would wait for him to come over. I am so shy to approach the guys at my gym. Worst thing I do is guess their age and they are always younger than I think I am so bad at guessing ages!

  7. MaryJane says:

    When I work out he seems to drift closer, if I move to one side of the gym, he moves towards me, I moved more than 4xs and after he’d finish his sets he’d move to a machine a couple feet away. We make eye contact all the time and I blush every now and then. The tension is killing me, maybe he is a good guy though his appearance is intimidating a girl tried going up to him and he politely turned her away and kept his attention on me afterwards.

    WHY IS HE SO CHICKEN TO COME OVER?

    I worked out alone and so did he today and even though it looked like he wanted to come over seemed to be debating it as he would face me, turn around and face me again. He never did finally I felt let down and joined my sister in her workout with her Fiancee.

    I’m a special girl with alot to offer a guy. I really feel something special with this guy even though we dont even know each others first names.

    IT’S BEEN LIKE THIS FOR 3 ON-GOING WEEKS, AM I JUST BEING IMPATIENT?

    • Charlotte says:

      Hello, I am in the same situation as you. He is a lot younger than me. I thought he was 29, but he’s actually 22. It’s bad because I turn 33 in 2 days. He is in sales and a personal trainer at my gym. The first night when he signed me up he asked me if I was in a relationship/ I thought that was funny because he must have thought I was in my 20s. People do say I can pass for 28. He’s tall has facial hair which makes his face appear older. Anyways for the first 2 months I would go over and make small talk with him. Now since I stopped making small talk I say hi and goodbye to him. I feel tension because I sometimes don’t get a friendly greeting from him when I walk into the gym. I sometimes never say goodbye when he’s at the front desk. i always say hello though. Last Sunday he walked by me when he was talking to someone. He did not look at me to say hi, I said nothing. Later in the day I saw him glancing over at me. I left and didn’t look at him or say bye. It makes me mad when he ignores me so I do it right back!! Keep in mind I did nothing wrong. So 3 weeks ago I Saw him in starbucks talking to a super skinny girl. I think he saw me but did not expect him to day hello to me. I was a little hurt he didn’t say hi, but he could have been on a date with her. Since then we never mentioned that we saw each other at starbucks. I refuse to bring it up. Anways when I go to the gym I never know how he will be. He runs hot and cold with me. With my other friend he is always the same and friendly. All I can say is that its a really weird feeling when I walk into the gym. There is tension especially on my end.

  8. MaryJane says:

    There’s a muscular guy at my gym and I’m completely head over heels with him. He makes me get those butterflies and well I shut myself down because he is so in shape and I’m average not skinny.

    I do feel intimidated but there is a lot of proximity for about a week now and he hasn’t tried talking to me yet but I’m guessing he might be crushing on me too otherwise it would be easy for him and I to hold eye contact for longer than 2 seconds right?

  9. Genevieve says:

    Wow,
    This definitely sounds a lot like me. I’ve come to realize recently the reason I can’t be outgoing and comfortable around men I’ve just met is because men intimidate me. On top of that I tend to put up a wall with anyone I may be interested in because I automatically think they’re probably not going to be interested in me anyway. It’s really a shame though, I’ve got multiple things working against me and I know it. I just need to find the courage to change those things, and work on being more confident. I think I’ll start of with trying to befriend more guys. I just got a new job where about 75% of my coworkers are male, so maybe this will help me feel more comfortable being social with guys.

  10. Lizabeth says:

    Even after 7 years the guy I’ve been seeing sometimes says he can’t believe I picked him over “all” the other guys. Men are definitely not as confident as we think.

  11. fifi says:

    I have a question: how do you let a guy know you like him without being too obvious and without giving the impression he has already won you over? How to make him feel that he still has to fight to win you over if you already give him the OK? I’ve always had that dilemma: how do you keep yourself a high-value woman if you already let him know he’s won you over? I think that’s the whole problem when starting off, especially if it’s the woman who is interested and wants to start a relationship with a man, how to approach a guy without making her intentions obvious? How to make him feel he’s made the decision on his own? That’s the catch.

    • Mike says:

      High-value women don’t play hard to get. They go out with who they like. Women that play hard to get have low self-esteem and are trouble. I always stay away from them.

  12. Joanne says:

    Referring to the first female response described in your article- which says that women might start playing hard to get with the guy… would it actually be a good idea to do so, in order to see how much pressure this guy can take? -trollface-

  13. Christina says:

    Wow! really amazing article. Thanks for that Math. I would like to know something more about it if it’s possible :D

  14. Rachel says:

    I feel like I can never make myself vulnerable because I’m afraid to get rejected. And making guys part of your social group, I found interesting because I do. I go to a college with a high percentage of women, but I’ll find myself at a table full of guys and I wonder how that happened. But they’re just about only ever aquaintences.

  15. Betty says:

    Thanks for the reminder Matt, it’s not often that us girls take a step back and think about what the man is going through. But will definitely be getting my cool, calm and collected flirt on!
    I adore your articles!

  16. Mika says:

    I don’t know why but even if it’s just platonic interest, I’ve always felt anxiety whenever I would approach the opposite sex. I just need to remember that men have the same fears as us–rejection. Thanks Matthew.

  17. Rachel Kganyago says:

    Hi Matthew
    Thanks for the help that you are giving us.That is me.I`ve been hurt before so i put a shield before me so thet i wont let any man in of been afraid of getting hurt again.I wish that will change soon.

    Thank you.
    Rachel

  18. Sue says:

    This article has struck a chord with me. I met a guy through a friend and we went out a couple of times as friends while he was on holiday. We live in different countries and after he went home we kept in touch by Facebook and text. We now talk every day by phone. I am returning to my home country for a holiday and going to see him for 3 days during which he invited me to stay in his house. He has also said he will visit my home town next year when I am due to return again. There are times when he calls me really sweet names and is lovely on the phone. At other times he calls me mate and sounds a bit distant. I still don’t know what to expect when I visit him……are we still just friends. This article gave me the confidence to just wait and see what happens……and not panic when he doesn’t say what I expect or want to hear.

  19. mery says:

    Thanks for this article and information Matt
    I use it.
    Good like

  20. yuetching says:

    This article is real insightful and really useful! ~~ x

  21. Marina says:

    Great!!!Thank you Matt!!!!!!That is actually so true!!!!!

  22. Caroline says:

    I’m so glad that you share your wisdom with us!!! Thank you!!!

  23. Catt says:

    3) Make men part of your social group.

    I’ve had difficulty with this actually, and hence difficulty relating to men in general. Two years ago I realised (or found out) that all my close guy friends are gay and since then I realised this is actually a thing like I haven’t related to straight guys, even if I go to places they hang out or have activities with them in it.

    Ideas? Perhaps I’m projecting all sorts of judgments onto them I’m not aware of..
    xx,
    Catt

  24. Rohi says:

    This post is very accurate! I’ve been both a and b (icy and timid) at different points in my life. I’m 20 and only now am I even beginning to make male friends comfortably. But now that I am, I’m learning so much and being much warmer with them and other men! A guy friend was once devastated that this a girl he had thought might be “the one” (I didn’t even realize guys thought of “the one” too!) told him she didn’t want to go out on a 3rd date with him. Another guy friend confessed that he once went out with a girl that only admitted when she broke up with him that she was never really interested in him but just wanted to be with someone. He looked so sad and hurt telling me this! But you know, it makes sense. Guys are people too, so of course rejection affects them as well. Some part of me knew it, but didn’t really process how deeply it affected them too until my guy friends actually started to talk to me about it. We girls always tell ourselves (especially in college, I feel) that the guys are “only after one thing” and not really in for an emotional connection but that’s not true at all. It’s like you say Matthew, it’s also about where and how you meet the guy. Meeting a guy at a college party versus meeting a guy in a study group, even if it’s the same guy, sends out a completely different signal. Haha this ended up waaaay longer than I intended, so anyways… Thanks for the post :)

  25. Marilyn Jasso says:

    Thank you Matt for all your great insight. I didn’t have a strong male model growing up, so that impedes an early knowledge of what you teach about men behaving confident and loud, but meaning the opposite. Or other nuances that mean something different. At this point, I need structure; a guide to follow, make that body language in tune with the structure. That’s where your great insight, caring and sincerity in your words are taken and implemented in a carte blanche manner.
    Sincerely, Marilyn

  26. Mivi says:

    Hey matt!!

    this article is really good. it got me seeing guys from a different side. :) I don’t tend to, but sometimes when I meet them and they have the arrogant, loud, and aggressive side to them, I can’t help but keep my distance from them. although I am aware that everyone is different and I shouldn’t judge them on that, but it makes it soo hard, kinda like first impressions. I am
    usually interest in a man who catches my attentions. haha it’s funny I guess …

  27. Anita says:

    This is some good stuff! I really enjoyed it and never thought of this. I do over estimate male confidence. Thanks for reminding me that they’re normal people. just like me! :D

  28. Isabelle says:

    Unfortunately I am guilty of going cold and indifferent and then swearing off men altogether. I just feel like there’s no way *that guy* would be interested in me and then end up holding it against him. It’s my own insecurities that keep me from showing interest and getting to know someone. I feel like if I flirt and be open then they know that I’m interested, making me vulnerable to get turned down, or ridiculed. I know it’s dumb, esp. since I’m not unattractive and am very fun and outgoing when I get to know people. I’m very intimidated by the kind of men I want to attract. And I do attract them, but then I’m intimidated by them and go cold. I’m my worst enemy.

    • Mike says:

      This happened to me with a girl I was head over heels for. You don’t have to show that you like him, just don’t turn him off. Let him try to contact you. It’s OK if you don’t want to let him know you’re interested just don’t tell him that you aren’t. Don’t tell him to stop pursuing you or to get another girl because eventually he will do it. It’s better not to say anything at all. If he’s into you he will follow your pace.

    • Moonligthshadow says:

      I am at the same situation as you but I am not cold.Im really open and love talking with people, even to strangers. The thing is that I am the kind of girl that:
      a)Or doesn´t know if the boy is interesed on her.
      b) Or on porpuse is the kind that is only friend.

      I´m my worse enemy too. How sad, for God´s sake…

      • gettheguy says:

        Hey Moonlightshadow,

        It’s very common for someone to go through those two things. Both stem from confidence issues. Often when we commonly are unsure of whether someone likes us, it’s because we are unsure of ourselves – we doubt too much whether someone could like us, instead of just assuming they do! The second issue of being the friend also stems from this confidence issue, because you know that it’s safer to be someones friend (something you are good at) than to try to flirt and be more (something you are probably less practiced at). Ultimately finding a real connection will always be a risk because it comes with the possibility of rejection, but take comfort in knowing EVERYONE gets rejected. It’s ok!

        M x

  29. Shannon says:

    Thanks for this article, Matthew. My initial reaction to men is to be intimidated, which typically makes me withdraw entirely. I’m introverted and shy, so small talk isn’t my strength… I prefer deep conversations and I’m perpetually afraid of how people view me, so it’s easier if I simply keep to myself. I hope I don’t come off as an Ice Queen, but I certainly am not calling attention to myself. I want to change that, but I don’t know how. I find the best relationships I’ve had with men have been when I’ve lived abroad, being forced to find a support system. But I’m home again and at a loss as to how to meet single men in my city. I’m 30 and most people my age have long since found partners. The only men who ever seem to be interested in me are more sexually aggressive than I’m comfortable with, coming onto me before they know anything about me, which of course scares me off immediately. How do I overcome my fear of judgment to find and let the right one in?

  30. Wow says:

    Well, this makes not so much sense for me. I’ve never ever judged all men based on one guys behaviour. I think I am open, I like to smile, and lot of men say I am “cool” (haha). I also tried some flirt tips recently like touching someone, being flirty, being a good listener, etc but nothing!!! happens. I think if I am open and friendly they just see their buddy in me and not the woman. sigh

  31. Jasmyne says:

    I completely disagree that male confidence is only ever met by your two options. As a woman thats dated a lot i could suggest at least 4 alternative options. I often meet confident men and neither act cold or feel intimidated. I’m intrigued by confidence in anyone but understand that we all have our insecurities. In fact I think this is pretty generic bland advice that people should apply everyone, not just the opposite sex. The loudest man in the room may also be genuinely confident and not simply desperate for attention as you put it and that’s okay. Surely you’re not saying all the loud confident men are an insecure facade seeking female validation and if we just take the time to explore their insecurities we will live happily ever after? I would encourage women to respect his self confidence rather than pick away to find the ‘faults’ in order to respond to his attention.

  32. kate says:

    Wow i realy enjoyed reading that. Us woman hold great powers over men then .
    So if you like a guy should you just go over and say ask him a question or ask for help say if you were at a gym to get chatting. is that the best thing to do ?
    Please reply Matt.

  33. R says:

    I don’t understand how a guy’s mind works ??

    He was the one to said we need to talk now seriously, about to know how we can move forward? However, he was not free, so will give a call when he is free. After a week, still never get a single call nor some text from him. What he actually think? And what he actually want?

    I was so confused why he asked for a discussion and just get himself lost after for more than one week now. Does he really so busy until can’t spend a short time to discuss on our relationship? Or he just want to run away from the problem?

    I’d really appreciate if you can tell me what’s in his mind?

    Thanks in advance!

  34. Michele says:

    thanks for the information..SMH(shaking my head) can’t figure out why guys seems to be so complicated. picky yes,at that age,(over 40) when I know what I like and what I DON’T. i’m attracted to this guy at work who seems outgoing and quiet at the same time?? he feeds the homeless,participates in breast cancer fund raiser, united way etc etc..but seems quiet so I’m a little confused. i am really attracted to this guy and he seems to be my type, now I need to know how to approach him..we work together and he just recently moved on the same isle as me at work, please tell me how to approach this man????

  35. Petra says:

    This is so true. You know there is this guy, he is director of one hotel where I’m organizing coaching events for my company. He is obviously on high post, so looking confident is somehow part of his role. Plus, he is young, very good looking. You would def.call him a great catch! But, I see a big amount of modesty in his behavior, which really attracts me, I think he is simply good person.

    Anyway, although he looks confident, I believe deep inside he might hesitate approaching me a bit differently:
    First, it can be about that what you mention above – men are desperate about being accepted by women, I guess especially if they are good looking and being on respected posts, because they have so much to loose.
    Second, it might be that I’m basically his client giving him business and he would never cross that line because he is very professional.

    I don’t know. We had some nice chats, I see some chemistry, and I would like to get him know better, that’s it, but he is really a challenge for me :). We keep meeting in business environment, he obviously ‘behaves’ in front of his subordinates, so it is hard to feel casual. Any advice on how to approach such ‘confident’ well respected good looking manager, who is busy all the time and partly looking at me as client?

    Thanks :)
    Petra

    • Joanna says:

      I never post replies usually, but this happened to me and I have some great advice to help you unlock that dilemma right now! I am a senior professional and bumped into this lovely man in my local coffee shop – sensed mutual attraction built up over several months just through a glance, but 5 weeks ago was the first time we struck up a conversation. Turns out he runs his own business and in the course of our discussion I suggested he might like to pitch for services my team are looking for. Which he did. But work stuff started to muddy the waters really quickly. Our emails got more and more professional. He got more and more clipped and courteous being mindful also of me as a client. I could sense our ‘social’ opportunity just slipping away and was mortified. After a couple of weeks,a brainwave. With encouragement from friends, and a lot of courage (as I hate chasing men), I fired him an email on a Sunday afternoon from my PERSONAL (not work) email address – telling him I was keen to make a separation between work and social, and was he round for coffee sometime! I got an immediate reaction (like he was relieved) and, whilst things are happening very slowly, we’ve been on 2 x 2 hour coffee dates since and it resolved that whole thing between us. STOP the work email (unless you have to deal with work specifically) and then switch immediately to personal email to follow up informally on anything NON WORK related. NEVER bring work into your personal email chats……
      It’ll work. Just be brave taking that first step.
      Write – I never like to mix work with social, so am sending you a personal email. Would be nice to grab an informal coffee when I’m next at the hotel. What do you think! Have a great day! :)

  36. Rani says:

    Hi Matt,

    This is really insightful and helpful. I guess I always assume that it seems like a Mans world and they have it easy. So, it is us who have to be the careful one’s out there. There are so many different messages from the various dating guru’s and it can get confusing. There is even a book out there regarding Why men marry Bitches. Some say be strong and play hard to get and you say be inviting and open. What you are saying makes more psychological sense. Why wouldn’t anyone regardless of the sex want someone who is friendly. Anyway, I have decided to just enjoy my life and what will be will be. As long as we ourselves are confident and comfortable with who we are, life will present itself. thanks for the insight regarding insecurities of men. It has definitely opened my eyes to a new perspective.

  37. Layla says:

    Hey Matt,

    It’s crazy how both men and women overestimate the confidence of one another! And I totally agree with every word you said! =D

    Thanks a lot, take care!

  38. no name says:

    Never judge all men based on the loudest guy in the room …. i don’t but unfortunately they are all the same

    icy exterior… i only use it when I attract the wrong guy to push him away

    Make men part of your social group …. interesting but it coz a lot off problems

  39. Linda arzate says:

    Hello Matthew: I am seeing a guy right now, and I’m confused about him. He states we’re just friends, and for me not to expect a lot from (he said this at the beginning) hasn’t said it since. But he acts possessive, wondering who’s calling, at times who’s texting. He likes me to stay over weekends, wants to go on trips and everything’s great when we’re together. But he rarely calls, he does text. And every once in a while he initiates contact. We’ve been seeing each other regularly for 5 months now, weekends are set aside for us. But I still feel a disconnect, should I ask him? I’ve been told by many I can’t confront him, what should I do? Any advice?

    • d kassandra love says:

      It is a fact that many men just look for casual sex, don’t confuse their interest to fuck with their interest to pursue a romantic relationship. They are worlds apart. Allow him to develop emotional intimacy and feelings for you before you become sexually involved with him. When a guy is in love he wants to make the first love experience magical, special, and beautiful f
      or you. Lead the way by appreciating him; if he truly likes you he will wait and enjoy every second with you, the kisses, the hugs, the caressing, etc. If he just wants easy sex, he will soon disappear. If he wants to be
      your friend with benefits or he has other women, walk away from him because he has enormous love just for himself, and you are just one more of his conquests! Women are the jewels and men have to prove that they have what it takes to be the one for you before you even give them sexual gratification. He has to earn it.

  40. Myria Samuels says:

    Ive always felt that if he’s too scared to talk to me then he’s obviously not my guy.

  41. Carlota says:

    Thanks, you are giving me light, im 37 and my love life has been the result of my response to the loudest guys, in my country there are plenty of chauvinist men. But today Im beginning my weekend thinking about background great guys, who would appreciate the tenderness I have erased in order to be “strong”. I do hope, I can be sweet, and warm as once I was…
    Thanks for the energy you give through your articles, conferences… and everything you do…

  42. Anna says:

    I have a number of male friends (step 3, totally covered), and they are RIFE with insecurities!

    Unfortunately I’m so open, friendly, approachable (step 2, not an issue) that I only seem to attract guys who NEED their confidence boosting/issues heard! Sometimes it’s blatant from the start (and I make a sharp exit), but often they seem fun and happy when I first encounter them (and not at step 1 Loudest Guy level), I get sucked in, they open up and .. bless their hearts.

    I end up as counsellor, flirting honey (they tell me I’m beautiful, and hot), best friend, confidante etc, all while they’re telling me they’re not in the right ‘place’ for a relationship. It’s fine on one level, as it means I’m gathering a LOT of great male friends (back to step 3), but .. I’d quite like something different for a change, lol!

    *Awaits for you to tell me how badly I’m going wrong*

    :) xx

    • Usagi X says:

      All I have to say is I’m going through the same thing that you are and I agree with the points you’ve made. I know I’m not helping, because I’m wondering the same thing you are, “What can I do to change this?” I hope there’s an answer to this. lol

    • Eva says:

      I have the same problem with guys. And it frustrates me too. I also love having more guy pals but I would love someone too like me again in that other way.

      I do agree with the blog but I also started being a bit more assertive about my own needs with guys. And you know what? Now it is almost the other way round. When you are clear about what you would like from a guy and it’s not an impossible thing to do they really want to be the one to be able to give that to you :)

      So I guess that’s my solution. Yes, make compliments and realize they have insecurities too but don’t make yourself this perfect version of a woman cause that will also make them insecure about approaching you on a different level. It’s all a balance of things.

  43. gina says:

    oh my! i just realized this is true! now i’m having regrets..i should’ve not avoided that guy..everything is nice about him except for what i thought was his overconfidence… thanks for the realization, Matt :)

  44. Cammy says:

    Matthew, what a coincidence. I got your blog post e-mail this morning — I had just realized a few days ago that the guy I’m very much interested in needs a lot of encouragement and positive signals from me (laughing, smiling, positive responses, not playing too hard to get), and is very discouraged by challenging signals (frustration, the possibility of competition from other guys). I’ve also pulled back a little and let him initiate texts and set him up to respond in a flirtatious way. What a difference! He is now texting me every morning (he initiates) and is being very responsive to my texts. :) Yes, guys can definitely be chicken (especially if they are younger than you, which is the guy I’m interested in). Don’t play too hard to get or make them jump through too many hoops. (Little hoops are okay though!) Good luck everyone! :)

    Cammy

    • Blia says:

      That’s so wonderful! I’m very happy to hear that you both grew together! I’ve been in a similar situation. But, because I’m in a far distance relationship it’s a bit difficult to text and see the body language. Unfortunately, we haven’t video chatted or voice chatted, but we do chat every night. It took so much out of us but we do our very best to be honest about our feelings and what goes on in our life such as stress, silly everyday things that happen, and such. Our relationship has been growing more everyday! I would also like to thank Matt and his team for such amazing tips and their fantastic openness to a the mind of a man. I’ve been able to effectively communicate with my boyfriend and I love it!

  45. Laura says:

    This blog is so timely! My friend disclosed recently that this guy we know told her he thought I was attractive and asked for my number from her. I was quite surprised as he seemed like the confident one of the room who could pull anyone he fancies! Nonetheless, he hasn’t contacted me or anything. I do quite like him though, so how can I encourage him to talk to me without letting on that I know what he did?

  46. Bárbara Sousa says:

    Mat i love your articles!

    I think what im about to tell you can be related to this..

    First of all i love men, i have great male friends and i had two great boyfriends!

    These two previous years i went out a lot and started meeting a lot of new people. At somepoint i stopped recognizing myself because i was becoming agressive, my vulnerability was put aside and i just felt the need to fight men even when attracted to them. It just didnt felt like me. Also i was always feeling insecure so that was driving me nuts. The bad thing about all this is that it made me DOUGHT myself! Grrrr

    The good thing…. i am now in a relationship with one of those “backstage” guys and the minute i started talking to him i felt the difference.. i was not agressive, i was shy but never feeling insecure about his interest in me, and i waited for the right timing for things to happen.

    I just wanted to say i know pretty well those super-confident guys and for me and for a while, before i knew better that led me into wrong behaviors, so yes it is important to look further. Its like a beautiful shinny piece of fruit.. if its too inviting it will probably taste like nothing :)

  47. Maria Paz de los Reyes says:

    Men would sometimes show that they’re of stronger sex…I’m sorry but I abhor! There are some who are more nervous when it comes to courting. For those who wanted to test their strength, wish you luck guys! But as for me, I still believe in gender equality and some women are stronger than you!

  48. April says:

    Wow.. This makes so much sense to me .. In fact i’d like to add here Matthew, you do understand both the sexes perfectly!!! That comment about “glammed-up, vacuous party girls” really spoke to me because i have a couple of male friends who have made the mistake of actually generalizing their opinion of women based on certain experiences!!!

    And this whole article about women feeling intimidated by men who are loud, arrogant and aggressive, well that is totally me !!!

    And i do tend to shut myself down and have even been told so. But its not my fault that most men around me have been super aggressive, loud and extremely arrogant and ruthless.. (sigh)

    Anyhow, as a maturing person i have learnt to spot the nice guys and they are often the ones who are least likely to get noticed…

    I have never been close to any men in my life actually, but now i have decided to give it a go !!! It is helpful to read stuff like that, gets me moving in the right direction !!!

    Thanks!!!

  49. Mary says:

    Thank you Mat!
    I’ve always had issues with being intimated, to the point that I become so shy. I feared that they will ‘find out’ that I’m not cool enough for them so I became extremely self-conscious.
    This article really put it into perspective for me.
    I know I have a long way to go in regards to my self-confidence, but you and your team have been a big help along the way. Thank you!!
    Xoxo

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