Who Should Pay On A First Date?

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39 Responses to Who Should Pay On A First Date?

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  1. Kate says:

    Complex relationship issue warning: My boyfriend and I live together. We’ve been dating for about two years now. I am a lot younger than he is and am working on getting my business going so that I can support us and provide a good life for our family one day. I started this business while I was finishing up at university.
    This has been such a tough point for us- like I mentioned, I live with him, but I don’t pay rent. I buy us a lot of groceries, cook us food, make him food, do as much around the place as I can (time is a little limited!) and try to make our home comfortable, which is tricky because… well, he isn’t used to cleaning up. Anyway. I hope that what I am doing is making the situation “fair”. He owns his place, but has a mortgage.
    I remember our first date- he paid, but I definitely offered, even taking money out. I paid for the second one and for quite a few more (or so it sounds, according to your recommendations!). Most other dates up until recently, though, he has paid, and I usually pay the tip (Which is a lot because he likes to order a ton.). He told me that this was never the case with his exes and that they would always pay for their share. But I really want to save up for my business- I can go out when I actually have a comfortable amount of money to spend. So, I reworked my budget and I can spend some money each week on going out, including with friends. But I usually can’t do this because it isn’t a lot and there wouldn’t be anything left to go out with him, or very little. So I have just been going out with him and will suggest that whichever friend I want to visit with and I take a walk.
    He eats out a lot. Way less now, that I am cooking for us so much, and when we go out, I still pay the tip or I will just pay for myself. He isn’t insisting on paying. I don’t have the same expenses as him, but I also don’t have the same income. And I don’t even want to go out and get anything fancy- I am happy if we cook at home. I really want to focus on longterm goals.
    Am I being unfair?

  2. Katie says:

    Hi Matt,
    not long ago, I dated one guy, who wanted to pay for everything. I have always offered to pay, because it made me feel better (I can take care of myself), but it was usually him paying. One day, he didn’t have money with him and when it came to pay I offered to pay. He agreed, BUT I had to give the money to him and he paid to the waitres. I think that was the moment when I realized he doesn’t care that much if he looks like a man in front of me, but he has to be a man in front of everyone else.
    Sometimes this story made me smile, sometimes it is one of the reasons I’m glad we are not together anymore. I understand man want to be a MAN, but I do not understand why should he be ashamed if I pay.

    • jj says:

      because he was brought up with traditional values, to be the gentleman or man in the relationship. Everyone in my family is like that.

    • Clara says:

      The way your gentleman did, I found it absitive adorable to my little checken heart. I mean They don’t owe us anything. They pay for us we needed to thank them appreciate what they did. But when there’s a trouble, fix them as a team is kind of endearing to me too. I mean He paid for both of you for 1000 times, that’s his thing, give him what we owe him ladies, that is the nicest way to be a teammate. Love youe sharing at the top level:)

  3. Misha T. Sinclair says:

    I think for a first date the man should pay. Perhaps that’s a bit old fashioned but I think it should be this way. Call it silly but when he pays I feel protected and taken care of. In that simple gesture it shows that he values me, wishes to make me comfortable and put some effort in to wooing me.
    When a man expects us to go ‘Dutch’ on a first date that indicates to me unless conveyed otherwise that he does not value me, he’s still on the fence as to what he feels for me or expects this to be a sexual relationship only. It may be possible that none of these assumptions are fact but at the moment he says or implies, ‘Dutch’ my thought process concerning a relationship with him, whether it be long or short term is immediately reevaluated .

    One last note; A woman should never take advantage of a man paying for the first date by ordering something very expensive on the menu to test his limits and she should also be willing to treat him to a fine meal to show that she also values him.

    Misha!

    • Nicci says:

      I went out on a coffee date with a guy where we clicked and connected . When the bill came I reached for my purse and the guy suggested we go dutch . I walked away feeling so let down and disappointed . Needless to say he wants to see me again . If a man cant treat me to a coffee and a shared piece of cake on a first date then I have to question if he’ll be stingy with me in other areas of his life . Maybe I’m old fashioned ? I don’t know – but I still believe that if a man likes a girl he must make some effort on his part and that includes paying on a first date .

      Think you amazing Matthew !
      Thanks for all your advise and videos xx

    • jj says:

      it’s so unromantic when a guy wants to go dutch.

      I was brought up not to take advantage of people, so I avoid expensive places for first date, that way he won’t spend too much on me. Exception would be if he really insists, which means he can afford it, but I always give other options, in case we don’t like eachother.

      I’m a softie romantic, looking for a quality guy, and I’m not into games.

      If a guy has money problems, or just doesn’t make that much money, I prefer him to take me for coffee and pastry, or do some inexpensive activity together like a walk in the park.

      I see a guy as unkind, bitter, insecure, or less of a guy in some way, if he’s not even willing to buy a nice lady a coffee. I get disappointed, and after spending all that time like most girls do preparing for our date, to meet someone with an incompatible personality.

  4. Oana says:

    Dude, You rock !

  5. Priscilla says:

    Thanks for the video! Guess i’m doing something right in my relationship :). My boyfriend offers to pay for everything and love’s bringing me out. I had to get used to it, cuzz i seemed like he was spending alot of money on me..but he explained that it gives him a good feeling inside when he can make others happy by spending money on them. In return i dont go to expensive places and sometimes just offer to come over to my place where i can treat him. Or everytime i see him, i can bring him little treats i kno he likes :D. I love him very much and respect/ appreciate that he is old fashioned in that way :P.

  6. kat says:

    Matthew,

    Thank you for clearing this issue for me. I have to say I always let the guy pay but always wondered whether I should go halves at certain time or pay for him in return. I think your approach make sense and I will definitely try that next time I’m on a date.

    I do have a question about attracting guys to approach me. After you mentioned about being friendly and approachable with smiles and giving eye contact to guys you like at your seminar, I tried that in tube station, on the tube, escalators, walking down the street… but I have not had any success at all. Any advice you could give me? Maybe I missed something…

  7. anon says:

    hi Matt,
    This is amazing. You dont make it seem like “Men are from mars”. Your suggestions apply very well to any interpersonal interactions.
    Can I get to know more? I have watched nearly all your videos. Unfortunately I can never attend your talk coz I live in a very small town in north India. Btw, did you write a book or create a CD on this? And if yes, is it available on Amazon? (I can trust only Amazon like sites…chances are high that I wont risk using any other website)
    THANKS a lot Matt again..
    Anon.

    • Get The Guy says:

      Hey Anon! Thankyou very much, I try to make things as simple as possible!

      I have my ebook available, it’s been extremely popular and alot of women who watch the videos get a copy for the comprehensive approach to all of this. I’m really proud of it. You can take a look here:

      http://www.gettheguy.co.uk/sotmm-ebook

      Our shopping cart is through our site, not Amazon, but we use paypal, so 100% secure, no need to worry!

      Matthew x

  8. Caroline says:

    Hi Matthew,

    I am a college student so most of the guys I meet are also college students. I am just wondering how long does the guy paying but girl offer rules apply? I dated a guy who always expected me to pay half…. I did not really like that because it often felt like he was cheap. Yes, he is an Ex now (but not for that reason).
    I was hoping you might do a video on where to meet nice guys? I am in college so classes are okay and I occasionally play soccer with a bunch of guys and go out to the bars (not a big fan since I need to study…I am pre-med). Would love to hear your suggestions!!!

    • Get The Guy says:

      Hey Caroline!

      It really depends on what you expect from the relationship…if you want a guy to pay more than his way i.e. treat you regularly, then there are plenty of guys out there that will do that. I’ll try to do a video soon on where to meet nice guys! x

  9. Gloria says:

    thank you for the advice, i always do this as well i offer to pay, but the guy tends to pay so i let him. i guess it’s more commun for this to happen but you are right it does make a men feel good about himself taking care of a women in that situation. but of course it’s always nice to offer too :) great vid.

  10. Elle says:

    Although…I WILL add this. (laughing to myself)

    I actually had a 1st date w/ a guy last night. The plan was to just meet for a drink but we ended up grabbing a couple appetizers & a couple more drinks bc we were having fun….so the bill was higher than either of us expected it to be. Therefore, I DID offer to chip in ~ but he didn’t take me up on it. I guess I can’t say I will NEVER offer on the 1st date ~ but if we had only had the one or 2 drinks, I probably wouldn’t have offered bc that’s what he asked me to go out & do with him. So see ~ if a guy asks me out to dinner or some other activity…I really do feel he should be a gentleman & take ME out. I’ll reciprocate – but it’s his lead :)

  11. Elle says:

    As I’ve told you before, LOVE your stuff, Matthew. However, as some have said above, when I’ve offered to pay on the 1st date & he takes me up on it, I’m turned off. Right or wrong ~ I really DO feel a guy should pay on the 1st date if he asked me out. Nothing wrong w/ a guy courting a girl a bit in the beginning. BUT ~ I have absolutely NO issue, picking up the tab sometimes if we continue to date. And say we had dinner on the 1st date & he pays…but then we go somewhere else to have a drink afterwards, I will DEFINITELY offer to pay for that…or other additions like popcorn/snacks, parking (I live in LA so that can be pricey) or whatever. I am never looking for a guy to fund my social life (lol) ~ it’s not my style. But 1st date?? I don’t offer anymore ~ bc it’s not really a genuine offer ….& I prefer to be authentic. I am a very generous person & will gladly contribute if we start doing more things together :)

    • Get The Guy says:

      Hey Elle,

      Totally agree. It’s nice to be courted. And I understand that when a guy asks you out, you would expect him to pay. However, the offering is the important thing, because if you don’t offer at all on the first date you run the risk of him forming the wrong impression about you too. He won’t see that you’d be willing to pay later on, just that you didn’t offer in the first place. If you offer and he lets you pay on the first date, it’s his own fault if you become less attracted! In any case, at least you found out sooner rather than later that he was that type of guy! x

  12. Rebecca says:

    Hi Matthew,

    I’m glad to find out that I’m already following your advice even though I hadn’t heard it i.e. I always offer to pay, but am perfectly happy to accept a guy treating me if he wants to (and I thank him too of course).

    Most recently, on a first date, I took my wallet out when the bill came and the guy then seemed a little unsure of himself (possibly afraid of offending me) and he said “do you mind if I take care of this?” to which I responded that I didn’t mind at all, but I didn’t think I should expect him to pay. I think he liked this approach!

    I can also confirm from a male perspective (thanks to my brother) that further down the line in a relationship men appreciate a woman who continues to offer to pay. My brother (now living with his girlfriend of 2 years), remarked to me that one thing he very much appreciates about her is that without fail she always offers to pay, but is happy to let him pay if he likes (his ex always expected him to pay everything….)

    Bye,

    Rebecca

    • Get The Guy says:

      Hey Rebecca!

      You hit the nail on the head with everything you said. Glad to great your brothers confirmation of what I said in the video. It’s never nice when you’re with someone long term who expects you to take care of everything and barely even notices it.

      Thanks for the feedback x

  13. Olga says:

    Thank you! It was very interesting….
    :) I am more like Matthew’s mother, old fashioned, following the saying “One who orders music, pays for it”. I have been raised in a country where a woman would never pay for a dinner, so it eliminates any mental debates about this issue in my head. What I do, as Matthew advised it, is add “small contributions” when we together buying drinks or coffee or tickets or … for us or myself to show that I care and do not take all for granted.
    Again thank you for the video! Love it :)

    • matthewhussey says:

      Hey Olga!

      My mum would kill me if she knew I was mentioning her! You are absolutely right, the small contributions matter. It’s not about trying to equalize external contributions, it’s about giving someone the feeling that they matter, and they we are thinking of them as much as they are thinking of us. it doesn’t always have to be by doing the same things.

      Keep watching, I love your passion! x

  14. rose says:

    i dont know because when i use to go out with the guys they always pick up the bill…i dont go expensive food..i like to eat light anway..i found out there is a lot of fellows out there…my friend jeannie who own a cafe..tells me she has a guy for me..he is tall.right now im not looking for anyone..but someday someone will come my way…there is a song on the radio that saids ( LIFE GO ON) i am taking it …i guess guys dont come to you..you have to go them…

    • matthewhussey says:

      Rose, that’s right. You don’t ALWAYS need to go to them, but it helps to give ourselves the best possible chance of meeting that special person. People often think that what I say is all about making more effort, but it’s not. It’s about being prepared to do what we need to do.

      I think that every so often an opportunity will fall into your lap, but you still need to be sitting in the right chair for it to happen! x

  15. Pam says:

    Thanks, Matthew. I love your videos and your down to earth advice.

  16. Mariesol La Toya Lake says:

    I just love this video. I can really use his advice.

    But still want to know what to do if the guy lets you pay and, he suddenly thinks your gonna pay for every other thing after that date.

    Not only thinks, but takes your generousity for granted.

    • matthewhussey says:

      hey Mariesol!

      If he takes it for granted that you will pay then he is a waster, and he’s not a real man! Therefore, RUN! Just kidding, but you know what I mean. A real man pulls his weight in the relationship, and he knows to be appreciative of the things you do. Be careful not to be used.

      x

  17. Jogirl says:

    Ok – but what in the case of a guy who accepts it when u offer to pay for your half when you’re “just being nice” and then he says “ok let’s split it”.
    Also i don’t feel like the same rules necessarily apply when a guy asks you out, don’t you think it’s on him to pay? In the same way if a girl asks a guy out , she should offer to pay. Isn’t it unwritten rule that whoever does the “inviting to” something should be the one to pay?
    Also if u offer to pay for yourself cuz you’re being nice, and guy takes u up on it- doesn’t it just indicate he’s cheap?

    • matthewhussey says:

      Hey Jogirl!

      I personally agree that if he invites you out to do something then he should pay, but some would say i’m a little old fashioned in that sense. If you offer out of kindness then he immediately says “lets split it then” then you can assume he was never really comfortable paying in the first place…then it’s up to you to decide whether that is the type of guy you want or not!

      Great points, thanks for contributing! x

  18. Andie says:

    I agree 100%.. I dated someone that never paid for my dinner, and I always paid for my own 95% of the time.
    I even gave him money before hand so it at least looked like he paid for mine..
    Waiters commented on the fact that he should pay..

    Just dated a guy that told me since he asked me out that he should pay.
    I did buy one round of drinks and that made me feel good.

    • matthewhussey says:

      hey Andie!

      That’s right, it’s not about trying to pay all the time, but letting a guy feel good about being able to do something for you, it meets his needs! x

  19. Luz E Rivera says:

    thanks for the videos. I shared them in facebook and twitter

  20. debbie says:

    I live in the DC area where it’s practically impossible to find someone to date. It’s odd because all the men seem to enjoy convincing one another that there are 4 women for every man. Because of this, many of us women have given up completely. I’m a romantic at heart and essentially do everything your program tells us to do, as women. The market is just so horrific out here for us women. You should seriously consider coming to the DC area for a few of your events because us women are at a loss out here. There are many singles events out here as well that women attend. The problem is that the men that attend these events are not at all like us women that go. The men that show up are at different points in their lives (it’s their last resort) and us—well, we just are sick of bar scenes and want a relationship and want to cut through the BS. Because of this, we always leave the events feeling worse than before we even attended them.

    Please help us.

    • matthewhussey says:

      hey Debbie!

      I completely understand what you say about being sick of the same old locations i.e. bar scenes. I think the key is learning the best places to go to meet the types of men YOU really want. That takes a little bit of thinking, but it means that everything you do is much more targeted around what you are looking for, instead of hoping you’ll bump into the right man by chance.

      I’m actually going to be announcing a U.S. Tour very soon, with dates and locations, so i’ll keep you posted! Thanks for commenting! x

  21. samanta says:

    it could be stupid but your videos make me love more guys. I’ve learn a lot of things that should be obvious but i’ve never thought about them. I’ve underestimate guys just because they broke my heart, but I never thought that maybe it wasn’t just their fault. Thank you

    • matthewhussey says:

      Hey Samanta!

      Thankyou for this! I think that understanding people is key to feeling more compassionate towards them. If you can understand someones reasons for doing things then we can often see how they are not coming from a bad place deep down.

      I also love what you said about it not always being someone elses fault, it’s always good to focus on what we ourselves can improve on, even if someone else is making mistakes at the same time!

      x

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