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You’re Not Shy, You’re Boring – Part II

So last week I did a video on shyness which seems to have struck a nerve.

There were many comments – the majority overwhelmingly good – but also a little controversy which has led me to want to do Part II. Here it is. Enjoy!


Here’s the difference between ‘shy’ and ‘introverted’ as I see it:

–Introversion is associated with being part of someone’s nature.

–Shyness is derived from insecurity. It’s a polite word for being scared.

If we want to overcome shyness, we have to overcome rejection. There are two ways to do this:

1) Get accepted and reinforce a different behaviour

To see that you can talk to someone and get a positive result.

2) Get rejected more

More rejection doesn’t have to make you more insecure. If you talk to people who have to go through a lot of rejection every day – whether it’s people who make cold calls, actors going to auditions, you name it, they’ll tell you that they can become desensitised to that rejection.

We have to decide who we want to be – regardless of acceptance or rejection.

If you go into a situation craving acceptance, it’s going to feel needy and desperate and people will pick up on it.

Go for rejection. Get rejected as much as possible, because the fastest way to get accepted as much as possible (and from the people who will be most beneficial to you) is to be congruent with who you really are.

Hope you enjoyed the video! Thanks to everyone who commented last week. Stay tuned and I’ll be back with more soon!

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167 Replies to “You’re Not Shy, You’re Boring – Part II”

  • Matt, it seems like your Today show clips are just a piece of the whole segment. Is there a way we can get the whole clip. I don’t watch TV but would love to see your whole segment with Hoda & KL.

    Thanks,

    Dana

  • Matt,
    I absolutely agree with you! I know intoverts. Actually, I’m one of them. But month ago I had a big project in wholly new city, with unfamiliar people. I wanted to impress everyone out there. Thanks for you Matt and few other studies, I knew how to do it. I powered up myself with courage, self-confidence, enthusiasm and made the week. Then I realized – being intovert doesn’t mean you can’t be extrovert sometimes. The skills of being extrovert depends on the desire and courage.

    Neringa x

  • Brillant! Yes you are. Thank you.
    And so true about being rejected more. It gets less painfull when that happends a lot. And it works. Im moving on more quicly than ever.
    I am happier. And trying out to be the best version of myself.

  • Oh Matt, you make me giggle so, you’re video’s are getting funnier by the day.

    Another great video with some very good and valid advice.

    I’ve been receiving your blogs for probably about two years now and they have started to become more and more invaluable to me. I’ve been going through a tough few years following a divorce and attempts at dating and I have realised, partly through my own journey of self discovery and partly through what I’ve learned from get the guy, that I need to be happy with me before I can let someone else into my life. I’ve struggled with self confidence for many years which hasn’t been helped by dating rejection but on reading your book and blogs and watching your video’s I’ve finally figured out the problem. I’ve become an amalgamation of things that I don’t recognise as me through trying to fit in with partners ideals instead of just being who I am, in essense, I have lost my sense of self.

    Anyway, during the last two or three weeks, I have taken some time out to rediscover the things about myself that I like but have lost along the way and ditched some of the traits that I inherited, for want of a better word, from those around me and I have started to find an inner strength I had forgotten was there. I’ve also been getting fit, hired a personal trainer and I’m being more proactive in other areas of my life too. For the first time in a long time, whilst getting ready to go swimming this morning, I looked in the mirror and realised how strong and sexy I look in my speedo swimsuit (I never thought in a million years that I would hear myself utter those words). Look out world, confident Jo is on her way back!!

    I guess what I’m trying to say, in a round about way, is a big thank you for your inspiration, advice and encouragement. You don’t know how much you’ve helped me, particularly over the last few weeks.

    Keep up the great work and I look forward to your next blog.

    Loadsa love.

    Jo

    P.S. I think you look cute in the outfit and fingers crossed that all went well with your audition (although we do want to see you back in the UK sometime)

  • The “Angry Semantics Introvert” says thanks. ;)

    I was hoping you were going to do another one, that would portray your thoughts more clearly (the thoughts you already had in the first one.)

    Put it simply – the main difference between E’s and I’s is the way they recharge their batteries – I’s prefer solitude, E’s the opposite. I’s are fine with their solitude (IF they’ve made peace with themselves), shy people WANT communication, but are unable to do that due to….fear (apprehensiveness/ over thinking the situation). Thus learning to take rejection in a healthy way is a key to leading a happy life. I like someone’s suggestion – “It’s ok – shake it off – every shot is a new one.”

    And thanks to that person who made a comment about being unworthy. This was exactly the point I didn’t appreciate your first video. It didin’t have your usual undertone – warm, sincere and powerful energy that anything and everything is possible, being OK with the way you are, appreciating yourself and just trying to express it in a fitting way.

  • “It’s not laziness, it’s efficiency.” …Love it. Or as Duchess of Cambridge would do…it’s recycling a great outfit. Well done.

  • Being an introvert just means that I need alone time to charge up my batteries and that being with people drains them. An extrovert would feel drained and need to be around people to charge up.

    For years people thought I was aloof and cold. I was just hurting from years of rejection and afraid to be open to receiving more of it. I’ve worked hard on changing that attitude and now most people think I’m an extrovert because I can easily talk to everyone I meet. I know I’m still at heart an introvert that needs to carve out alone time to recharge.

    Keep up the good work, I’m putting your information into daily action and having fun with it.

  • This again? Come on, Matt. You’re better than this.
    Introversion means the person cannot socialize for as long as an extrovert, because they lose energy from social situations, as opposed to extroverts who gain energy in the same situations. Introverts don’t have to be socially awkward or insecure, it has nothing to do with shyness.
    Shyness means insecurity and socially awkwardness.

    Please get your definitions right, because it describes completely different traits, which you can’t treat the same way.

  • Listen up ladies , heres something someone said to me long ago that stuck.
    YOU CANT BE ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE. That being said, your going to be rejected just the same as you reject are you attracted to every man you meet? Of course not so its foolish to believe you’ll not get rejected in life. We all get our fair share. Pleeeeeze… Stop taking rejection personal, it not! Even VS swimsuit models get rejected simply because full figured buxom blondes are some mens cup of tea. Again, stop taking rejection personal…. Ps Matthew you are darling cute as hell. Keep up the good work!!!!

    1. Become the type of woman that is the preference of the type of guy you want. He gets what he wants in order for you to get what you want.

  • I hope Jameson is actually really handsome because every time Matt says his name I picture a male model. haha:)

  • Love vests on guys, lol. Great advice! But I think it’s best to not expect anything, and focus on finding out what type of people you are interacting with. I am naturally very introverted and my trick is to have the mentality that there are so many different types of people who are receptive (or non-receptive) to many different kinds of people. For example, one of the cutest things for me is when I see a guy who is generally confident but has these adorable moments of shyness. It’s ok to have a bit of both!

    1. Interesting! I agree, why always questionning yourself? why not question tha ability og the other person to socialize? or being an “o.k” conversationalist to match you. There is a kind of “chemical” side in most interactions.

        1. Yes, one should put demands on the conversation partner. One must have standards. Otherwise one wanders dangerously into the field of people pleasing. And as we all know – we cant please everybody. I think thats were Matt’s point on taking rejection comes in. One must be strong enough in oneself to handle rejection. To come to terms that one won’t be liked by everybody. And thats OK! That we are deserving of appreciating because we a re great people and if some people wont see it, we’ll find others who will.

          I’m speaking from a personal point of view but I think it can be helpful to others as well =)

  • I have actually learned from own experience that when the world treats you unfairly, you soon become introverted, shy, and boring; you lose confidence and gradually become someone who you never were before. But can conquer the world, we can and we must. To victory! 

  • -Warning contains blog hijack-

    Ironically the person who commented ending ‘Thanks, now I feel even more worthless’ – proves that shyness and introvercy are two different things, not all shy people think themselves worthless, in fact shyness can be endearing even the great Miss Monroe was shy infront of people, Diana and Audrey Hepburn also to name a few. I dont think anyone would call them boring and I even if they had ups and downs they knew they weren’t worthless.

    I understand why some people say introvert is about not wanting to reveal yourself to others and usually, if we admit it, the reason is if expose ourselves we become vulnerable and people could hurt us. I dont think we can confuse introvert and private either, fair enough if you dont want to tell people the intimate details of your life but if your living in a cave ‘being private’, I think your more afraid of the real world and being hurt.

    I used to be painfully intovert, now I’m happily shy, I still blush easily and get in flusters with people but they think its sweet. Rejections part of life and in relation to guys, Im a semi-pro belly dancer some guys are like Whoar some are so indifferent to me but its worth the rejection of some to know others are enchanted.

    To end with the fabulous Dita Von Teese; You can be the juiciest, ripest peach in the world and there will still be somebody who doesnt like peaches.

    ….. I’ve actually forgotten what the subject was now..

  • Vests are out in the USA Matt. It’s too tight and looks like a guy is trying too hard as well as a bit goofy. Also Looks constrictive and constipated like you don’t know how to have a good time and we all know that’s just not you! Lose the vest. Better yet, donate it to Goodwill. Wear that nice shirt you have on with 2 buttons undone tucked in with a nice belt and nice shoes. It will look sharp, sexy and confident as well as successful. I think a lavender color shirt would also look dapper on you too sir. But for the love of God please lose that vest and any future vests. JMO

    1. Maybe you have a problem with vests… Matt looks good regardless of what your opinion is… Besides, am from the States and I see many men in vests, and they all look clean cut and professional, attractive in many ways :)

      1. Matt looks great in that vest. He has a great sense of style and can carry off the vest very well. I don’t believe vests o=are out of fashion at all either.

        Keep it up Matt. You have style and you always look smashing.

  • Great video topic. I just have a problem with one thing though. It’s not so often I meet someone I like. So when I do meet someone I like, it’s still loaded with emotions.

  • Damn, you’re getting better and better at these little videos Matt! Haha… Very, very cute! And very true too :)

  • Matthew,
    Get used to rejection. I don’t really think anyone really wants to do that. I get that if we do get rejected we have to try not to take it to heart and withdraw. But it’s not something I would like to get used to in life; )
    You’re still brilliant x

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