What He’s Thinking When He Breaks Up With You

In this week’s episode of LOVELife, I take a call from Sophia to discuss what could have been going through her ex’s mind when he broke up with her, as well as how she can move on with her head held high.

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

20 Responses to What He’s Thinking When He Breaks Up With You

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  1. Kata says:

    Hi Matthew. I’m in a long distance relationship with a beautiful man for the last 6 years. We are living in different countries, travelling back and forth to see each other, unfortunately cannot do it often enough. He has a daughter to take care over there, I have mine over here. Family ties won’t allow either of us to move. He had a plan to move back here where we met, he considers this country his home.
    Recently he had to make a decision to stay and live in his country. He’s reasons are perfectly understandable.
    It raised the question: can we keep this up until my daughter grows up, then we can be living together? Although the heart says yes, it just doesn’t seem to be going any forward than we had been 6 years ago. My daughter is only 7.
    I have no doubt about his feelings, and I love him too, very much.
    What to do?

  2. A says:

    I just went through something like this 2 days ago. He travels for his sport and sometimes I accompany him and sometimes I don’t. This past summer, he took a contract to China for 4.5 months and during those months, I visited for 9 weeks. While I was there, we ended up having a lot of problems and issues. I came back home nearly 2 weeks before he was supposed to arrive back. Before and during China, he had talked about marriage and kids and how when he got back home, we would be moving in together. After I left, everything changed. He started going out and partying more, stopped talking to me as much, and then decided it was best someone else pick him up from the airport. He had dropped hints to me that he was already one foot out of the door because of the arguments that we had so I backed off for a few days. I know that after he arrived back home, he went through hearing some traumatic news about his brother. I knew about the news before hand but was told not to tell him. I didn’t hear anything from him Sunday or Monday but I didn’t bother messaging him because I wanted to give him that time to process everything. Monday night I messaged him asking why he was being so distant and if we still had a relationship. I woke up the next month to a “Good morning babe. Sorry for being so distant. I will come to your house later night. I love you.” message. He came over to my house later just to end our relationship. Told me that he still loves me and that his feelings haven’t changed for me but he just doesn’t want a relationship. He told me he wants to focus on himself and nothing else and doesn’t want to invest the time nor energy into making a relationship work. We have been together on and off for 6 years and he actually did the same thing to me 3 years ago after his previous China trip. I am so confused because I don’t know what to think or feel anymore. I do love him and I do hope that he changes his mind and comes back to me but if he doesn’t want the same things that I want, I don’t know how that is possible. Could you please give me some insight?

  3. Elle-ari says:

    Hey Matt, love your stuff as usually. Just want to say that this really resonated with me as I was in this exact situation and I loved the youtube video that dealt with this situation via a live caller in studio.
    I want to be so bold as to ask you your thoughts on a discussion held by David Deida: ‘ Feminine & Masculine Sexiness, 3rd Stage Relationships” which seems to delve further into what you explained. Thanks alot!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwjRX0BsP_w

  4. Tia says:

    I can always rely on you to give the right advice when I need it Matt, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    Whilst my relationship is not over yet, my partner and I have only been together for 7 months but we are both crazy about each other, however my partner is torn between a decision of committing to me or moving back overseas to pursue his career. He’s 27 and doesn’t feel like he has achieved all he wanted to in his career yet and only came back home from the overseas because his family needed him. He was never meant to stay here, but then he met me and it put a spanner in the works, so he is incredibly torn and confused about what he wants now.

    I don’t know what he will decide, but its absolutely killing me knowing I might loose someone I love and its not because he doesn’t care about me. Your advice in this video has helped and confirmed that I need to let him make this decision on his own, as much as it pains me to sit back and let him do so.

    I am still hoping for a happy ending, even if that means he goes and come back, but know that I can’t put my life on hold waiting for that to happen incase he never does.

    Thank you again for your video and advice, unfortunately it does not solve my problem… but then its show me that its not my problem to solve and it will defiantly help me stay strong if things don’t go my way.

    xxx Tia (Australia)

  5. Ngo says:

    Hi Matt, Im on the flip side of this situation. Met a guy, dating him for 3 months. He is kind of old school and wanted to date exclusively a few weeks in. Well 3 months down the line I feel smothered. He is great, expensive dinners, expensive gifts, wants to spend lots of time with me. On the flip side I feel he has several personal issues that need to be resolved before embarking on a relationship- but now he thinks he is love. Besides I have been single for a while and I am used to having my personal space which is slowly disappearing. I want to put the brakes on it and go slow, he on the other hand wold not mind to put a ring in it.- I have dated several shitty guys in the past and generally have lost patience with most men. I feel kind of shallow as this guy and I are from different sides of the track. I have already upset him by saying I need some space, but he understands he has to respect that. Im in my 30s and don’t want to make the wrong decision nor end up alone for being too picky. This situation makes me wish for the stone age when mating decisions were much simpler. – See more at: http://www.gettheguy.co.uk/blog/what-hes-thinking-when-he-breaks-up-with-you/#comment-390745

  6. Ngo says:

    Hi Matt, Im on the flip side of this situation. Met a guy, dating him for 3 months. He is kind of old school and wanted to date exclusively a few weeks in. Well 3 months down the line I feel smothered. He is great, expensive dinners, expensive gifts, wants to spend lots of time with me. On the flip side I feel he has several personal issues that need to be resolved before embarking on a relationship- but now he thinks he is love. Besides I have been single for a while and I am used to having my personal space which is slowly disappearing. I want to put the brakes on it and go slow, he on the other hand wold not mind to put a ring in it.- I have dated several shitty guys in the past and generally have lost patience with most men. I feel kind of shallow as this guy and I are from different sides of the track. I have already upset him by saying I need some space, but he understands he has to respect that. Im in my 30s and don’t want to make the wrong decision nor end up alone for being too picky. This situation makes me wish for the stone age when mating decisions were much simpler.

  7. Courtney says:

    Matt:

    This was an awesome response to this question. It actually answers the same question I had asked on the Today Show October 2013 with you and KLG & Hoda. But this is a much more detailed response. I am so happy that I had a chance to hear this at this time in my life.

    Back in 2013, when I had asked the question, I was miserable. I had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship and I was truly spiraling. Your advice and live show in Dallas were super helpful for me in moving forward with my life. I really made a life for myself, went out with friends, explored new interests, accomplished running goals.. And in May 2014 I met a wonderful man. We have been dating ever since and I could not be happier.

    Losing my past and moving forward lead me to him. You are exactly right that losing one experience really is a blessing, as it leads you to discover what you (not him!) were missing in your life. There is so much else out there in the world.

    I am so happy and do have you to thank!

  8. N.P. says:

    Wow Matt!
    Fantastic job on answering that question very very well!
    It is definitely very tough letting go of the years and the hard work you put into a relationship only to start from scratch again with someone else. On a positive note, you live and you learn so the next time you are in a relationship you will be wiser and stronger.

    Sincerely,
    N.P.

  9. Maureen Kennedy says:

    You gave Sophia such AMAZING, COMPASSIONATE, LOVING, INSIGHTFUL ADVICE! I have only found you and your YOUTUBE vids yesterday Matthew, and I am BLOWN AWAY BY YOU! I was seeking some relationship advice for myself, and really needed some words of comfort for my own situation and there you were!
    THANK YOU!!

  10. Ale says:

    I’m moved.
    Thank you Matth.
    One can really feel your empathic energy. And your words are pure wisdom (coming from a place of love).
    Merci

  11. Laetitia says:

    From my experience I agree with what you say Mathew. The man I was dating broked up with me the 25th of december by text after four month saying he had somme issues and he didn’t want me to suffer.

    To understand here is the summary of the story. He comes from a muslim family in which tradition is that parents choose their children’s wife. He spent a month in the country of his parents, Senegal, when we where dating. We both live in France and he was born in France. He came back and he became very distant. I asked him for a talk. I was relaxed he was on guard. I patientaly ask him qestions and listen to him to understand what was going on. He told me he was introduced to women during his stay and that he refused all marriage proposals. I asked him how many girlfriend he had before. He replied he had dated fifteen woman officially and non officially. I asked if I was official or non official. He didn’t aswer the question saying that it was me who put me in an official or in an non official status. I stayed calm. I wasn’t upset. I had learnt what I wanted to know.

    I remember me crying during three days after the brake up. I was luky that a good friend helped me the time I needed to heal the pain. I texted him when I felt down and he explained to me what was going on in me, why I felt such a pain, why I had some thoughts. He had experienced the same thing and had learned from it. Hearing someone telling me exactly what and how I felt in the moment what was my thoughts made me feel understood and helped me take it easy. He was helping me see through the fog made by the storm of my emotions. I realised that to heal we need to feel understood, we need to understand ourself, our own feelings, our own thoughts and fears.

    Back to the previous man. He contacted me five month later. He wanted us to be back together because from his words “he thought I was still attracted to him and he missed me physicaly”. I had met him by chance a week earlier and he helped me solve a problem about my train ticket. I replied that I had moved ahead and that it was the past for me. It was true. In November he contacted me for the second time saying that he couldn’t help thinking about me and he realised he had made a mistake and he wanted to build a life with me. I told him I will not go back with him and I thanked him for the good times we spent together.

    When you say that the right person can come at he wrong time that reminds what doctor John Gray wrote about how he met his wife. The first time they met the relationship between them didn’t worked well. They broke up and they met again later and that was the right time for the too of them because they had learnt from their experience and they had grown emotionally.

    Thank you for your relevant advices. They really help me grow.

    All the best for this new year under your sky.

  12. Vavavoom says:

    What a quality video… well done.

  13. Priyanki Sinha says:

    This is one of your best videos, Matt! I have been following your videos from the past 2-3 years. You have helped me a lot. Thanks so much! It was so good to see you acknowledge how painful a situation like this could be..Some people just break up suddenly and never care what happened to the other person. The responsibility of gathering all the shattered pieces of heart remains solely with the person who was dumped and eventually most of the people do overcome it, but nevertheless it is one of the most challenging times of life.

  14. Katie says:

    Thank you so so so so so much for this Matthew. I just want to give you a big hug. Happy New Year and keep on doing what you’re doing because the faith you’ve given me I’m sure you’ve given to THOUSANDS of women. All my love!

  15. Venus says:

    wow – that just built a great self-esteem start to 2015, on top of everything else you give away so freely..
    Thank You!

    Matt! I Love You – your so Invested..

    *Have a Coupli Days for You..”You Deserve some You Time”
    We’re not going anywhere!!

  16. na says:

    <3 This. Great reassuring Message!

    On a side note, buy some raw 100 real Shea butter. It helps smooth and firm the skin. It helps make the skin look less exhausted, worked over, etc. It is also a great natural moisturizer that won't clog pores. It brightens the skin as its a great source of vitamin e for the skin.
    Relaxing the forehead muscles when one is thinking or talking also helps prevent premature wrinkles on the forehead-in addition to helping you keep a neutral peaceful face. Nothing personal-everyone does this. It's my pet peeve that's why when I see it, I have to say something. It too stresses me out-not just the face wrinkle-r. Wrinkles might make one look more deep, experienced, or sympathetic, but don't be fooled. Everyone does this when they're tense. Since they aren't conscious of themselves/the mental stress, they don't see it in others. You won't regret it when you're older and looking years, if not decades, younger. :)

  17. Kiara says:

    Amazing advice. You understand people so well. And you are so right about the wealth of experiences life has to offer. I look forward to going backpacking in the future :) so many countries! So many places!!

  18. Hazelnut says:

    I could feelso much empathy from you, Matt…For a moment it did feel as if it was addressed to me …”me” from 1 year ago going on through a horrible break-up. Thank you so much for confirming that one needs to rebuild oneself as there are so many other opportunities around us.

  19. Sandra says:

    Thank you, thank you for sharing this, Matt. If only I had heard this 11 months ago when I was lost and needed to hear it. However, hearing it now is still helpful because it lets me know I’m not alone in my experiences, not crazy, and other people understand what I went thru. After a year, I HAVE made a better life for myself. The ex now realizes what he walked away from, and wants me back, but I made my own realization: that as wonderful as he is, I am in a different place now, and am a different person, and he is a happy memory of my past, not my present or future.

  20. martina says:

    Great!..

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