3 Secrets That Reveal Why Men Won’t Commit

Many women suffer from the problem of not knowing what gets a man to commit, and it usually stems from a fundamental misunderstanding of how guys think.

In this short piece, I’m going to give you some simple secrets of male psychology that explain why men can be so difficult in deciding whether they want a long-term relationship.

There is an important disclaimer to this article, and it’s a biggie, but it’s crucial to understand: not all men are the same.

Matthew Hussey - How to get the guy - why he won't commit - relationships - commitment - Love - dating

Women often think that there must be one secret formula that explains every single man’s behaviour. The real truth though is that there as many reasons a guy (or anyone) may shy away from commitment as there are reasons he might want to end a relationship. It depends on the nature of the problem.

So here are just a few reasons a guy may be hesitant to get into something more serious:

1. Because he can’t be “convinced” into a relationship

Many women make the mistake of thinking that men can logically decide on a relationship.

But the decision to commit doesn’t work like that.

A guy cannot be told of all the reasons why commitment would be a good idea before he feels like he wants to be in a relationship.

The trick is to use ATTRACTION first, and then escalate naturally to the more serious issue of a relationship.

This is where so many women go wrong. They attempt to use PERSUASION and LOGIC when they should be concentrating on being a desirable catch, adding value, and showing him how incredible she can be to have in his life.

In other words, they need to engage his DESIRE and EMOTIONS.

This isn’t just the case when you first meet a new guy either: it’s also a crucial part of the story of how to get your ex back if you’ve broken up and want him to re-commit to a relationship.

Once again here, logic isn’t the answer: only his feelings will make him want to be back together.

2. Because he doesn’t have his life together yet

Some guys you’ll hear say that they’re “just can’t handle a relationship” at this point, or they’ll always be talking about how a relationship will keep them “tied down” when they just need to be free.

This typically happens with young guys who, quite frankly, haven’t got their shit together yet.

Sadly, this one is really an issue of timing, and there’s no point trying to convince a guy who doesn’t want a relationship why he should fast forward and decide to want one.

In certain cases, if he’s attracted enough AND you show that you have boundaries and will simply walk away if he doesn’t want to take things further, a guy will decide to commit.

But he has to decide to commit on his own.

This is an old lesson but a crucial one: People value what they choose to invest in. If a guy feels like he has suddenly sleepwalked into a relationship without deciding himself, he’ll feel resentful and will want to break free and resume his single life again.

3. Because he’s scared you’ll be too needy/too much drama

Some women make the mistake of trying to jump the gun and switch straight to relationship mode so quickly that a guy freaks out, worrying that she’ll be needy and emotionally dependent on him for her fulfilment.

That’s is why it’s so important, no matter how attracted to you feel to a guy, to always tend to your own lifestyle, your friends, your work, and other parts of your life that bring you joy and fulfilment if you want him to commit. It’s the first secret of how to be a good girlfriend: don’t depend on your partner as your sole source of happiness.

A man always wants to win a woman who is living a killer life even without him. His hope is just that he can prove to you why he’ll make it even better!

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15 Responses to 3 Secrets That Reveal Why Men Won’t Commit

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  1. Sandra says:

    How can one reconnect with someone who pulled back because the woman overinvested emotionally and showed quite a bit of emotional neediness? He said let’s call it a pause rather than a stop.
    What exactly should she do? how look should she stay away? how could she reinitiate the connection?

  2. Eunice says:

    Need advice…after dating this guy for 3ys, 15yrs older than me not wanting to commit he decides to just block my phone # from one day to the next. After he would tell me he cared n loved me.

  3. Steph says:

    Need advice, we have talked extensively for 6 months, the dates and slept together for 2 months. Then he pulled away and wants to be friends. Maybe more later because he isn’t ready for a relationship. We still talk at least once almost everyday. I was asking him to hangout, he keeps saying no. Last week he told me to stop asking and let things happen naturally. But I feel like he is getting further away. How can I get him to chase me???

  4. Julie MacKenzie says:

    Loved this article….as usual! Keep them coming Stephen! ;)

  5. Diane says:

    I learned this the hard way. I got dumped a month ago because his life path was changing,possibly moving 2 hours away, his feelings for me slowly went away. he told me that he didn’t want a girlfriend in general and that right now is not a time for him to be in a realationship. When we were together we got along and I honestly did like him a lot. We were together for one year one month some days but he didn’t see me the last month and his previous relationship lasted one year.
    This was a good read enough time I’m trying to heal still

    • Broken Girl says:

      Hi Diane We are in the same page!I got dumped a month ago too and he is moving back 2 hrs.away from me(Richmond)..He said he can’t commit to me.His mom told me he’s scared of commitment because of his previous 2 divorces..Its still really hard to move on..I cried everyday but what can I do?I won’t force him to get back to me..I don’t know until when am I gonna stay like this:(

  6. Lindsey says:

    Loved your Monday Motivation on honesty today! I had made some honest remarks in my relationship and I was feeling guilty/unsure so that helped.

    When I speak of commitment in this, I’m speaking not of single to relationship but of relationship to marriage. Recently (today) I was thinking of the question Stephen had posed in one of his blogs – where will we live? This question has broken up many relationships for me. I’d been avoiding this topic until last night.

    I have commitments and family where I live and I’m very loyal to this, even when I know the location isn’t ideal for most ppl and is not even preferable for the kind of man I’d like to be with. But it isn’t about me, it’s about my daughter – her safety, her family, her education, her happiness. I would never sacrifice any of these things, not for anyone else’s career or happiness, not for my own. This just is what it is. I’m unemotional about it. The conversation was basically: well, if you need me to move there, I’m not the person for you. Him: I don’t want to lose you. I don’t know what I need, but I need you. It felt mean in a way, but I won’t compromise on my daughter in any way. It seems like the less I care about the relationship/the more I care for my needs and what makes me happy, the more the relationship caters to me. I love him but do I, if I’m unwilling to compromise anything for my family’s happiness? I just want to give her what I never had. I could honestly walk away completely okay and unemotional if I had to compromise on what’s best for my daughter. I would be okay being by myself, as long as I thought she had exactly what she needed. I’d be fine alone regardless. Does it mean I don’t really love someone if I CAN live without them? This is new to me, the independence/the lack of a need for anyone but my goals and aspirations. This reminds me of Stephen’s last post too. The best thing I could do/have done for the advancement of the relationship is to be completely selfish about what I need for myself. It seems counterintuitive. I appreciate any thoughts or comments on this <3

  7. Julie MacKenzie says:

    Another great article Stephen! ;) <3

  8. Michelle Clarke says:

    Yeah, guilty of #3. Jumped the gun tons of times and Overwhelmed. :/ Good thing there are 3.5 billion (minus a couple) of guys left to do it the better way with.

    (ended with a preposition. smashing.)

  9. Judy says:

    This article is great. I’m in the middle of this right now.

    This guy is sweet and fun and promises me to be there for me for ever because he values me so much, seemingly, he invests in me.
    But only willing to do that as friends, even though he says I am perfect in all ways and he doesn’t know what’s missing, but he doesn’t think that he can fall in love with me, even though he wished be could…
    I’ve already tried staying away, and he is the one offering to cut contact if needed, “respect” he says.

    I could use some help, what should I say to him?
    Can I still meet him, as friends with very clear boundaries, or should I just cut him out of my life? I’m inclined for the second, I don’t have much free time, I don’t want to spend it on someone who’s not worth it, but how should I communicate it towards him?

  10. Kevin@CupidTools says:

    OR He is still hung up on his EX.

    Then again, you might not be the problem. It could also be that he is still swirling and swooning over his ex. Men are known to find great ways to escape reality and one way is to go out on dates in a bid to try and move on. However, when he gets home, he quickly realizes this did not work in his favor.

  11. Jet says:

    People value what they choose to invest in. WOW! Yes. And just thinking about someone too much is investing. This is another reason why it is so important I keep my eyes on my own life! Thank you for all you do, both of you Hussey men!

  12. Aikuh says:

    I so agree with “They attempt to use PERSUASION and LOGIC” because thats what i did on my frst and now 2nd “relationship” (the word RELATIONSHIP isnt complete without quotation mark for me) he talks to me like im his gf but i know i am just for fun. I want a REALationship… And i wish it will be with him. I like this guy so much we have been communicating online and he is sending me an indirect msg that he isnt sure about me. Im kinda pushy or desperate as other people say that i worth a try.. I guess my question is how to execute this guide Matt when the only interaction we have is online?

    • Barbara says:

      It’s the same kind of thing – in the back of your head you need to be prepared to walk away if he doesn’t invest back.
      So you need to still enjoy the time you have, but step back a little and spend LESS time. Make the time you do spend a right blast, and do more things just for yourself on the side.
      Be understanding about him being uncertain, and take a step back.

      Really, start with just spending more time doing things you love and going out – you won’t be able to be online for these things, and you’ll also have more exciting stories to tell when you do go for a chat.

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