When I look back on some of my breakups in the past, I wish I had a S.W.A.T. team who would break into my house whenever I thought about texting my ex and shout in my face:
“PUT DOWN THE PHONE! I REPEAT. PUT DOWN THE PHONE”.
Let’s face it, the hardest thing about break ups is trying to keep it clean.
You can’t let go. Your mind races constantly in panic wondering what your ex is up to, whether they’ve met someone else, whether they’re still thinking about you…
This is all toxic for your brain, and it only makes it harder.
So in this blog, I’m going to show you how to begin your break up recovery, and give you a 3-step plan that will show you how to not text your ex whenever you feel tempted to make contact.
Don’t Prod The “Break up Wound”…
When you lose a guy from your life, chances are if the relationship lasted for more than 6 months to a year, he’s become an indispensable part of your day.
So now it’s over, the pain of ripping this guy out of your life leaves a wound inside you.
But if you are, you can start this wound on it’s way to healing. If not, you’ll find ways to keep making it worse.
Here’s what NOT to do at all costs:
- Look at old photos of you both on holiday together.
- Isolate yourself in a pile of junk food and alcohol until you feel even worse about yourself.
- Like his old Facebook posts and bookmark all his social media accounts so you can follow them whenever he updates.
- Use your family and friends to ONLY talk about the relationship.
All of these things will aggravate the break up wound and lower your defences until you can’t help but think about texting your ex.
You may even find excuses to do it, like seeing an internet meme he’d laugh at and think about sending it to him on Whatsapp, or emailing him over a link to an article he would enjoy.
So let me repeat: STOP. PUT DOWN THE PHONE.
I know this is difficult. But trust me, if it’s over, nothing you send now is going to make it easier.
To help you along the path of recovery, here is your three-step plan:
(1) Remind yourself that nothing good can come of this
If you’re fresh from a break up, there’s no point in trying to chat to your ex at this point. It will only lead to pain.
But what if I want to be friends with him??
You can’t. Not right now at least. Not for a good, long while.
Until the wounds have healed, any further contact will only prolong that deep sense of loss and sadness, and make it harder for you to see the flaws of the relationship and what caused the break up in an objective way.
You need this space. This is how you heal. There are no shortcuts.
So whenever you want to pick up the phone, remind yourself: “This will only prolong my pain.” Prioritise your recovery right now, and worry about any future friendship with your ex MUCH later down the line.
(2) Stop being idle!
By all means, take some time to rest. Watch a bad sitcom, or put on a bunch of silly movies to take your mind off things.
But resist the urge to constantly sit alone, at home, in the same environment.
After a couple of days slobbing on the couch feeling sorry for yourself, start making real plans for your days so that you can see friends, go out to dinner, hang with family, do work, go to a yoga class. If you want a slogan for how not to text your ex, it’s this: Have a busy, exciting calendar.
Activity is your friend right now. It reminds you of the wider world out there and keeps your mind from going crazy and wanting to pick up the phone.
(3) Have a great support team
Surround yourself with people who really care. People who will make you feel uplifted, positive, and who encourage your best traits.
If you’re mum constantly makes you wallow in the failure of the relationship, decide not to discuss it with her anymore and find friends who get you back out there instead.
You need to protect your energy, and that starts with the people you choose to have in your orbit.
Stick with these first steps and you’ll be well on your way to getting your sense of purpose back (and will find it much easier to avoid texting your ex!). Take care of yourself and give your mind the peace it deserves.
So my ex left me 4 months ago to go back to his home city as it was more financially feasible for him. He hated Toronto and nothing was working for him here. We only dated for a bit more than 2 months but I came to love him. When he told me he was leaving it felt like my heart was taken out, when he left it felt the same. We ended off still talking which you would probably say was a bad idea because even 4 months later I can’t get over him. We stopped all communications two months post leaving though. I know that it’s all in my head and that all I need to change is me. I feel now depressed in trying to hope for love again. My question is what do I do while I wait for someone who loves me as much as I do, it feels like torture every day seeing everyone happy with a partner and I’m here sulking in my own distress.
I just started watching your YouTube videos and you’re very right.. I didn’t know who else to ask and I feel so lost everyday.
Plus today is my birthday, I decided to travel to another city, but the loneliness is killing me even more.
I’m already making myself super busy everyday and have channeled all my energy and becoming fit and healthy but I feel so tired and lost everyday still… maybe I overdid the busy part and it’s making me depressed instead.
So I was wondering if the ex back program would work for me. We broke up about a month ago and I observed no contact not even knowing that was a thing. I just needed some space. I ended things because he was distancing himself due to outside life issues. I gave him space but he wasn’t checking back into the relationship. I have never begged for him back or any of the things that you are not suppose to do. He was contacting me after about a week an a half and our chemistry was back. Nothing sexual happened during this time. I have since found out he has decided to move to Florida. Something he had been throwing around the past couple of months. He says the August 27th is the plan. I highly doubt he can afford it. He is broke. He would be leaving his teenage kids behind too. I can’t believe he is really serious about this. I have never felt this, way about someone and I know he feels it too. Unfortunately, the other day, when he told me about his move date I said some not nice things about him being selfish,abandoning the kids, and using me. Is there any hope in this short amount of time.
Hi Mr. Hussey,
Please I need your help! A friend of mine, I have known him and his wife ( my girlfriend) for 20 yrs. After battling cancer my girlfriend, his wife passed away last August. From Oct. – Dec he pursued me. During this time I kept questioning him
1. I was hesitant as I wasn’t sure whether he was ready to date and he kept reassuring me that me was as he had 2 yrs to grieve
2. I told him I was concerned because if we started something and it didn’t work out I/ we would loose a good friendship.
3. My ex left me 5 yrs prior and I have been single since unable to open my heart to anyone
After he repeatedly reassured me that he was ready and then we both admitted to each other we each had a crush on each other for the past 20yrs Then Jan. we started seeing each other. He left Jan.15- March 15 (he came home early to see me) for a trip to Mexico were he went to honour his wife and bury her ashes. This was actually a bucket list trip they planned prior to her getting sick. We text each other everyday and talked on the phone every Sunday. He spoke of wanting to be a family with me and my 2 boys, talked about buying a house, selling his house (It’s a long distance relationship,112km, so we try to see each other every other weekend. ) and standing next to me as a partner. Things have been fantastic I love him with all my heart but the middle of June I started to feel something change. I chalked it up to him having a chaotic life working his Reno business, carpet cleaning business as well as being a paramedic working 7am- 10/11pm everyday also the 1st anniversary of his wife’s passing is coming Aug14. He started talking of this anger building up in him and he is NOT an angry person. I kept telling him that it was him grieving. Anyways, July 25 he had a sit down with a psychologist and he validated my suspicion in regards to Charlie’s (my boy friend) anger. What ever was discussed I don’t know but later that evening Charlie called and told me about the meeting with the psychologist and that he has come to realize that yes he still loves his wife but also he feels he shouldn’t have started this relationship with me that he is realizing he wasn’t ready. I mean the world to him and he loves me but he needs space and time. He also said “You can call anytime.” We have spoken on the phone a couple of times and we both said that at the end of our phone calls we still say I love you because we do love each other. We have also text each other, yes usually me initiating it. I told him I love him, he has my heart and that I understand and respect his request for space and that I will wait for him. This is a complicated situation. I am coming to you because I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to jeopardize anything as I do hope there will be an US one day. He ask for space/ time but I can call anytime?? I thought it would be best to keep the lines of communication open calling him maybe once a week/ or once every other week to see how each other is doing. Or do I not contact him at all unless he initiates contact?? Do I have a chance at all to him coming back to me. What do I do??
“Have a busy, exciting calendar”- What does it mean when, even though you’re having the time of your life, that doesn’t stop you from wanting to share details with one of the most amazing friends you’ve ever had, who also happens to be your ex?
For me, I find that when I feel bored and pathetic, that’s the least I want to talk to him- or ANYONE haha. But if I’m doing really cool stuff, I guess my only option here is text another friend instead of him, but the point is that’s when the urge of texting is bigger (out of pattern, because he used to be the one I’d share the exciting stuff with). Maybe I’m just an odd case XD.
Hi Matt;
I don’t know how to begin this, but here it goes, I resinly started to talk to a old boyfriend of my, actually my first truly love, the love of my life, I just turn 18 years old and he was 17 years old a that time. For some circumstance of life my mother moved us to the USA for better life for my sister and I, back then we have to obey our parents what they say because they know better, it was very hard and difficult in the beginning for us to have a long distance relationship not only to be resinly engaged to be married, before we live to the USA my mother agreed to everything as long l’ll be in the plaine tour to the USA, even though promise to be back in a month, the hard thru was, coming back was impossible, we lost contact and our relationships was left in the air with no end, days pass and become weeks, weeks become months, and months become years, the years passed, and after a few months ago sings the day I left which was 10/19/85 – 03/16/18 we have contact for first time for Facebook. You don’t know how happy and nervous made me feels. Here I was… chat in the beginning and talking later on, he say he never stop looking for me and some loves never being forgotten and so on and so on, to make this history short, we talk for hours telling histories of our lives and remembering the past, seems we never being apart, but I know things are not the same, we beings talking over four months already, and emotions and feelings are like rollercoasters, resinly I brock and cry and he got worried and wanted to know what was wrong with me and I told him how I feel for him, and hear him make his suitcase it trigger something in me that I brock in tears. He is in Bolivia and I am in the USsame time zone, he was living in Spain for many years and now is a citizen form Spain, and he is going back to his second country which is Spain, time zone is a killer and is going to makes things much difficult for us. What we have has no mane I don’t know if we are in a relationship or not, he say will be much closer, and I should come down to take easy, we make plans for the future together but a the same time he is not sure he will only now is when we see each other again, which we haven’t yet since the day I left, he wanted to talk for video chat but I didn’t want it thou, because it wouldn’t be the same if we were face to face, I think. I told him that I still love him that my feelings didn’t change, and I know he feels the same about me but he didn’t say it, I think or why he is miss leading me.
Please help me to understand or giaid me. Thank you