How To Get Him To Settle Down With You

Ok, you’ve been dating a guy for a while, he stays over your place all the time, and you’re definitely exclusive.

But…

couple holding hands on sofa

How do you get him to “settle down”? You know, like actually decide he’s REALLY with you for the long-term, instead of him just seeing this relationship as being “ok for now”?

In this article, I’ll explain some basic principles of how the male mind works when it comes to commitment, and teach you how to get him to settle down so that he chooses you over any other woman.

First: Don’t even THINK about changing an “Eternal Bachelor”

man thinking

Rule #1 – It is not your job as a woman to get a committed bachelor interested in marriage and kids.

Some guys will be happy being exclusive for a while, but get uncomfortable at the thought of being your official “boyfriend”, or he’ll squirm at the thought of getting more serious.

If so, that’s on him. It’s not your job to change his attitude. You should never be playing the role of the convincer.

Don’t be the kind of woman who has long conversations with her man trying to understand why he is “on-the-fence” about marriage, attempting to show him all the reasons it would be a great idea. This does not work.

The only things you can focus on are:

(a) Being your best self and living by your standards

(b) Understanding and fulfilling his needs as a man

(c) Cutting off guys who don’t want a relationship

We’re going to cover point (a) and (b) in the next section. As for point (c) remember: if a guy shows he is on-the-fence, that’s your cue to respond and say, “Well I’m not sure this works for me either then.”

At this point, you’ll find out how committed he really is. Walk away. Then, if he chases and decides to make this something real, great! But be willing to leave for good if he doesn’t. It’s not worth the heartache of waiting for him to change.

The longer you tolerate a situation with a guy who isn’t willing to commit, the longer he can string you along without ever really making a decision.

Understand These ESSENTIAL Male Needs

man kissing woman

So what do you do if you’ve already met a man who is ready to commit, but you want to make sure YOU’RE the one he chooses to settle down with?

Well, to begin with, you need to get inside of the head of how men think. Here are some of every guy’s most important needs:

  • He wants to provide and protect – This doesn’t mean he needs to be the financial breadwinner, but he does need to feel appreciated and be able to bring something to the relationship.
  • He needs to feel respect ­– Men are much more likely to settle down long-term with a woman who sees the best in them and shows he admires his character.
  • He needs to feel physically desired – Crucial for any relationship, men always commit to women who make them feel sexy and desired as a man.
  • He needs to feel like you have strong values – He wants to see you have independence, integrity, and that you live by certain standards and aren’t afraid to assert them. Men love the woman who lives by a code and respects herself.

These are just the first steps, and it takes a lot of learning to know exactly HOW to meet all these needs, but these are the essential basics of understanding men and knowing how to get him to settle down. Look at this list next time you’re with a guy and think about how likely it is that all these needs are being met.

And remember: look for the guy who is interested in commitment in the first place, instead of trying to tame a dedicated “player” – the sooner you invest guys who want the same things, the happier and smoother the dating process will be. 

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11 Responses to How To Get Him To Settle Down With You

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  1. Peyton says:

    Hi, so I was in a verryyyy toxic relationship long story short I have a kid with the guy (we were together for 3years) . I left him about 7 months ago now and have met this amazing guy. (Who I feel that I’ve known for years.. instant connection) We went out on “friend” dates for 3 months before I let him make us official. (Just because I wanted to make sure I was ready for a committed relationship, even though he told me once a month he wanted to label it) he’s told me he wants kids and adores my baby as much as I do. He’s told me he wants to marry one day. Im just worried I guess I will scare him away. After my last relationship I push him away a lot and do my own thing. I feel that I do not make him feel needed because I’m so used to do things on my own and being the independent, everyone relies on me person. I watch and I read a lot of what you post. I know this is a lot and probably does not make sense but my true question out of alllll of this is… how do I make A) and B) happen? How should I put my habits away and make him feel more like a man? He tells me all the time that he wants to do things for me because I do everything, but honestly I don’t know how to stop being the provider.
    Sorry this is so long!
    Thank you!

  2. Ashleigh says:

    Im having a real struggle at the moment with my situation, iv been dating a guy for nearly 2 months, and he asked me to be his girlfriend after 2 days i said yes. Then a week later he asked me to move in with him and i told him we would save and work on moving in. Recently i just found out im 3 weeks pregnant we had a long discussion about it and he feels like its to soon. I feel like the whole relationship has been destroyed. Please help

    • Peyton says:

      Hi Ashleigh, I was in your position 3 years ago. From my experience.. if he pushes away, let him go. Do not fight for someone who’s already made up their mind. I was with a guy for 3 years miserable and it was the worst feeling I ever felt. Don’t worry about if anyone will love you, because trust me many people will. No matter what choice you make, make sure you are happy! Cause that is really all that is important. If you choose to keep your baby like I did make sure your happy. As long as you are happy, your baby will be happy as well.
      I hope the best for you!

  3. Kathy Alfson says:

    I am a 54 year-old woman and I have been in a intimate relationship with a 35 year old man for approximately 15 months now. I had been married three times and since the age of 15 I had been with a man since I was 52. When I met him, he was vibrant, he intrigued me, and quite frankly turned me on. So our sexual relationship began. I began to trust him, and he made me feel safe and secure. Every time we would see each other I felt like we were getting closer and closer. Then about 15 days ago he came over to the house and we started talking and I told him I had feelings for him. That was probably the worst thing I could have said because I could tell he was getting nervous and jittery and now I have not heard from him in two weeks. I totally feel like I was disregarded and I never meant to freak him out, I just wanted to let him know that I really liked him as a friend and I trusted him and I felt safe with him but now I’m not really sure if I could trust him with my feelings or emotions because of the way he just did this.

    • Jordan says:

      Not an expert by all means, but I’m a 24 year old guy. I’m certain this guy was suddenly thinking that this stopped being fun and started to get serious. Once you told him that, he suddenly started thinking about long term future, and marriage, and everything. But really really you should just keep the conversation based on having fun and good time, but you just want to be exclusive, not that you have feelings for him. He probably is just seeing this a short term thing and is worried you’re looking too long term.

      I know it feels like a betrayal and that sucks a lot because it took you a while to open up to him, but suddenly real life struck upon him and he’s uncertain. You’ve more than shown your cards and now, just like in this article, you need to wait to see his cards, or if he isn’t interested, then you walk away. Unfortunately, this is never the advice you want, but if you’re looking for your long term happiness, then that’s the best you can do.

  4. swapnil rajiv sathe says:

    Men are going their own way now. We wont fall for your manipulations anymore. Men have no real incentive to get married with today’s gynocentric marriage laws. Especially since marriage is not a prerequisite for getting sex.
    MGTOW. Look it up.:)

    • Chris says:

      While there is definitely a shift in gender dynamics, but you have to remember that marriage came out of the need for men to know that the children birthed by their lovers were 100% their children because their time with parenting, their inheritance, and their lives would be dedicated to their progeny and they want to be absolute certain that the child they are parenting is theirs. It’s our biological imperative. As a man, if you aren’t suspicious of your children being yours, then your line of genetics disappears.

      To return to your point, with the advent of sexual liberation of women through female empowerment and couple this with genetic testing for parentage, we are in a new limbo of mating behavior that we have never seen before. We are now able to enjoy the pleasures of sex without the repercussions of childbirth. So we are now in a new chapter of human relationships that we have never before experienced and it should be seen as a positive step towards truly understand what makes us happy and what we enjoy rather than doing what is ‘biological required’ or what is ‘political required’. Humans have never enjoyed this kind of sexual and personal freedom and of course we are going to find problems.

      But I for one am glad that everyone gets to figure out what it is they enjoy about a partner before they have to settle down on any one person. Freedom can be scary but embrace it. :)

  5. Charlie says:

    Huskies what about mama boys, these kind of men seam to not let go the nipple.

  6. Sarah says:

    Long story short, kind of a flaky guy. He texted “miss you” like he had in the past, so this time I texted back aw, that’s sweet! Thank you :) His reply…..”that’s not nice” wtf do I say to that?

  7. Lina says:

    I am sure many people ask you how to be subtle about asking where a guy stands, I have tried, but he ends up talking about something else or not getting the hints. So I met a guy while traveling and we had a great time together then after that we started writing each other almost every day, we live in different countries and I went to visit him a couple of times already. We continue to write daily and I can’t stop thinking about him, but I am not sure where this is going, should I invest more feelings? I think I just need to know what he’s thinking to know if I should start distancing myself from him emotionally… (I am still going on dates with other guys but always have him in the back of my mind)

    • Michelle says:

      Dear Sarah

      I know it’s tuff when it comes to LDR. Long distance relationship.
      In my view you should ask him to visit your country and will come to how serious he is taking . If he says yes you will have a chance to take things to next level.

      Good luck

      Michelle

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