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11 Modest Lessons In Living From 2013

Today is the first contribution to the blog from my dear brother Stephen. Steve helped co-write the Get The Guy book (which went on to become a New York Times Bestseller in its very first week!), and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.

It’s our mission to deliver as much value as we possibly can to you in 2014. I couldn’t be more excited to have him on board writing articles here for you.

Be sure to give him all your love and a big warm welcome. I can’t wait to hear what you think in the comments!

Enter Steve

I wish I had kept more of a diary last year. Just as I wish I had every year before.

These were the first regrets that struck me when I thumbed through the two notebooks that comprised my hand-written output from 2013.

In the absence though of a chronicle of my hilarious life stories, I did manage to record many of my new favourite life lessons as I learnt them throughout the year. At the risk of dispensing half-baked aphorisms and pompous generalisations, I’ve listed the best ones here.

I really enjoyed this exercise and got a lot out of it. I urge you try it now, while you can still chart the events of 2013 clearly in your mind.

Scan your memory of the last year and dig out about 5-10 of the best lessons you learnt. Look at the successes, and more importantly, the mistakes.

You’ll be surprised with what you produce. No doubt the results will be highly subjective and specific to you – but that’s the point. Think of it as a modest exercise in self-understanding rather than the discovery of universal laws.

What’s more, it will be tapped from that ever-abundant source of hard won experience:

“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.” – C.S. Lewis

Many of my favourite lessons are highly personal, and may seem trivial to those who have ingrained them already. Others may strike you as the brilliant revelations they were to me.

Some lessons I think I knew on an intellectual level, but never internalised them because I hadn’t had the sting of experience to slap the moral deep into my precious face. Some aren’t even gleaned from my own experiences, but the experiences of people close to me.

Whomever the source, I assure you, like the best lessons, they were all learnt the hard way…

1. The measure of progress in life and love isn’t the absence of problems, but the presence of better quality problems

 
Just because things still feel difficult, doesn’t mean you haven’t come a long way. You might just have better quality problems now, e.g. One problem – I don’t know how to talk to people I’m attracted to. A better quality problem – I get lots of dates but he/she never calls back. An even better problem – I have good relationships but I want an extraordinary one.

If you have problems, ask yourself: Are these better quality problems than last year? If the answer is yes – relax, that’s progress.

2. Praise wears off quickly, so does criticism

 
Both are false motivators. Excessive seeking after praise leads us to do the wrong things in the hope of gaining approval, and excessive avoidance of criticism makes us play it safe to quell the opinions of those who don’t matter anyway.

3. If in doubt when it comes to old friends, be the one who re-initiates contact

 
Pride is overrated and life is short. Forget who last called whom and be the person to make contact. A quick catch up with an old friend who’s in town can be all it needs to maintain the relationship.

4. Networking is overrated; providing value is underrated

 
The oldest cliché about success is “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know” – this leads to a belief that networking will cover up for a lack of value. It doesn’t. The best networking you can do is hard work on making yourself an irreplaceable commodity to others.

This also applies to our love lives. Although meeting lots of new people is an absolute must, it’s also not enough. Meeting people and networking will only yield results if we invest just as much time into increasing the value we bring to a relationship.

5. Handing in your homework on time is still the best lesson school ever taught me (or tried to teach me)

 
People need things done and they need them on time. You can get far in life just by delivering what’s required on schedule.

6. A question to reflect on for any friendship/family/relationship: How hard is it for me to get my needs met with this person?

 
Is it easy or excessively difficult? If it’s difficult, you can either (a) withdraw from that person, or (b) change your expectations of them. Both solutions are called for at different times.

7. Somebody else’s version of ‘good’ won’t be right for you

 
Conform to your own standards. Don’t become overly attached to a situation just because everyone tells you it’s a ‘good thing’, or because it’s something you ‘should’ want.

8. Your energy in any given day is finite; guard it like a precious jewel

 
(Credit to Matt and his many brotherly pep talks for this one).

9. Learning to cut out unnecessary drains on time is easier and more fulfilling than trying to cram more productivity in

 
Why try to do everything if it just makes you miserable doing it? It’s much more enjoyable to cut out those activities that don’t really fulfill you and spend more time on things that do.

10. Only do things to improve your love life that you would want to do anyway. Otherwise, you’ll resent doing them

 
This is one I learnt more from watching others. Whether it’s online dating, going to singles events, or even working out – only engage in improvement activities that you enjoy for their own sake, or else the resentment you feel for having to do them will make it impossible to keep up the habit.

11. One source of my procrastination = an excess of pride

 
Wrapping too much ego in the finished product, or not being humble enough to accept that the result might not be right the first time – both of these things make starting a task difficult. Reduce the ego, reduce the delay in starting.

Bonus lesson: No-one cares about your dreams (and that’s a good thing!)

 
Doing anything for approval, because you want to be envied, because you want to be noticed, or hoping that someone will constantly cheer on your dreams is a recipe for chronic dissatisfaction. YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR DREAMS.

That doesn’t mean that people won’t support you, or that anyone can make it alone, it just means that ultimately, people aren’t spending much time thinking about your quest for accomplishment.

Do it because you love it or don’t bother at all – everyone else is too busy thinking about their own lives to notice whether you make it or not. I find this extremely encouraging.

That’s all for today.

Happy January Everyone!

Here’s to the many mistakes others make, so we don’t have to.

***

Question Of The Day:

What are the three most important lessons you learnt last year? Good, bad and ridiculous, leave your best ones below.

*Photo Credit: Fabrizio Sciami

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65 Replies to “11 Modest Lessons In Living From 2013”

  • I really have improved pretty much .. I suppose there are a few lessons.. but I don’t know exactly when I’ve learned them. It’s a steady progress

    1. Nobody whom you don’t know cares about what you do. At all.
    Doing crazy stuff makes you comfortable doing stuff.
    “those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind” is to be learned through that.

    2. You can be content and happy with anything.
    Happiness is not a state, it is nothing any material can give you. It is a mindset.

    3. The subconscious mind effects you greatly.
    You train yourself to rest in certain places/events, to work in certain places, to enjoy certain places/events and to dislike certain places/events.
    However, (especially in terms of place)you can also train yourself to do something different. To feel different. Do something incredibly fun where you usually don’t and the whole place will feel different, you’ll feel more comfortable, too.

    And I’ve already learned a few things in the new year for myself.

    Most important would be that motivation is (usually) not a starter, motivation emerges when you actually do something

    Keep up the good work.
    I love how you inspire people to think for themselves about this stuff. I’ve come to view new year goals quite differently, for example.

    Regards

    1. “motivation is (usually) not a starter, motivation emerges when you actually do something” – Love that! That’s really interesting and insightful Barbara, thanks for sharing. x

  • Hi Stephen!
    It was quite an input what you wrote….especially about the BONUS.
    1. If I am not for myself, who will be for me?! and if not NOW…then WHEN?!

    2. It is not age that makes people wiser, but the activ searching to grow.
    Matthew is an inspiration in this….maybe also you…will see:-)

    In any case my compliment and respect for the ”get the guy” project, which is much more than find your love…but more to find your life.

    thank you!
    Angela

  • Thank you for an inspiring article! I suppose the things i learnt are more personal to me than many of the others here, but I want to share them regardless.

    1. There is virtually no point in fighting with your parents. Treat them niceley and they’ll give you more freedom as they learn that you’ve become more responsible. (I’m 17)

    2. Try to the best of your ability not to let bad things that happen ruin your mood. There will always come unexpected negative things and by being sad and upset about them (even if it is our fault) does not result in anything productive. Saying that ‘this won’t matter in a year (or x amount of time)’and reminding yourself that you’ll learn from this experience also helps

    3. I’m beautiful. Okay, that might sound weird, but I have learnt to really love myself. By not loving yourself you’re setting limitations to what you can do and achieve in life. Because, let’s face it, your body is not stopping you from going to the beach, you are. Missing out on life because you’re not happy with yourself is such a waste.

  • “Here’s to the many mistakes that others make so we don’t have too”

    This was a great read.! Thank you for sharing Steve.. I love all of the comments below.

    My three lessons:

    1. Self worth is greater than net worth

    2. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean it’s meant to be

    3. Socializing, working, working out , having fun, learning, mourning, time with family, worshiping, relaxing…. There is a balance for all of the things in our lives- too much of some things can be a bad thing . Find your balance.19

    Short but sweet..

    Now that we have covered the past, how about goals for the future??

    Cheers to an amazing 2014.

    <3 Jess

  • Three most important lessons I learnt last year:

    1.Life is not about getting to a destination or an event that we define as success, it is about enjoying, to the best of our ability, the only moment we will ever have. Now (Bashar)

    2. It is important to identify my strengths and weaknesses, so I can improve on and focus playing to my strengths, while neutralising my weaknesses. (Marcus Buckingham)

    3. If you have the courage and strength to endure and go through the pain you are in, you will get through it, and once you do you will never hurt that way again.

  • Hi Stephen,
    Really good article.
    To be on time, not late, and thereby value other peoples and my time.
    To think before I open my mouth and try to add value, not be thoughtless or insensitive.
    To not just support someone in their dreams and ambitions, goals but to actually do something productive showing tangible support.
    Lovely to have you AND your brother helping us through life.
    Kathryn : )

    1. Glad to be here – These suggestions are very cool Kathryn. I like your second one about thinking before you say things. I’ve heard of a great challenge where you try and go 30 days without saying anything negative about others or yourself. Could be cool. x

  • Loved reading them, it’s always nice to have reminders just as you need them, a little bit cosmic too! For me, I don’t think it’s a lesson but it’s my thing; Having a laugh. I think that’s why I love Matthews videos, if he was just talking I’d have droned off ages ago. I think it’s a great spiritual practice too, they say Eckhart Tolle loves a good joke!

  • Hello Stephen,

    I really enjoyed your first article on here, a great start to your career on here ! I’m definitely going to put your advice into practice as it makes so much sense.
    I’m guessing that you are young, early twenties ? You are very blessed to have such great insight and knowledge of life. I didn’t get that until I was 30 (three years ago).
    I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of my time and life concerned with what others think of me and what they think I should be doing….but no more! Look forward to your next article,

    Angela K

  • I love how you’ve made this a topic for the public in general, but quite personal also, so that we can see snippets of who you are as a person, whether it be disciplined or a life lover.
    I hope you’re here to stay, and I really liked your article. :)
    Thank you xxx

  • As for my top 3 lessons:

    1. Your life can turn upside down any moment. Security is only an illusion. It’s important to value every moment in your life and give your best to yourself, the ones you love, and the people you encounter.

    I realized this when (it sounds cliche) – I was almost killed on the highway when my car due to a freak incident, I was going to lose my job due to an announcement in layoffs, and my ex-boyfriend dumped me a few days before going off on a romantic getaway he had planned for us. This happened all within 24 hours. Talk about a scene from a movie clip hhaha

    2. When it comes to dating, rules and expectations of how men (and people in general) should act only limit you from truly getting to know them. Go by your principles, and you will have a better time of filtering out the people wrong for you.

    3. Confidence is just as important as competence. My employers know I’m extremely competent at what I do…but I’m always evaluating my performance and come across as unsure. I got feedback from others and have worked on my confidence…now I’m thriving at work and my employers like me even more when I am confident in showing what I do…mostly because it makes them look great lol

    That was a great exercise…ahhhhh! I especially loved #4, #8, and your bonus lesson. Thanks Steve! Looking forward to more of your posts :)

  • Thanks, enjoyed that! It was fun and sort of interesting to read something from you. I really liked the one about the different versions of good. So so true!!

    I’m 25, and 2013 was a year of transition, with both personal and professional challenges for me. Here’s what I’ve gleaned:

    -the moments when you feel down, and reality feels heavy, and your blueprint seems impossible, and your dreams seem silly and out of reach…

    Is really not reality. It’s a mental cold. And that’s when it’s hardest to see it for that- because you are down. But it’s just a cold, and must’nt buy into it, and you must’nt let it fester. Seek to remedy as soon as possible, lest it burrow too deeply in your brain.

    -keep the big picture (the person you wish to become) in mind in all situations- act in the way the best version of you would act. Because: This too shall pass, and you’ll still have to live with you.

    -things change, make friends with freedom and uncertainty

    -life won’t go as planned… But that isn’t a bad thing. You didn’t know what you should’ve been counting on when you came up with that plan way back then.

    -you’ll get out of it what you put into it

    Thanks!

  • I enjoyed reading this. Thanks!

    My 2013 lessons learned

    #1- Hurt and dissapontment bring growth. Learning to be thankful for the bad experiences helps move past it.

    #2. Catering to someone else’s hurt and tip toeing around insecurities doesn’t help them heal or get more confident. I’ve realised it just makes them dwell on it more. A problems not a problem until you treat it like a problem.

    #3. If you don’t take time for yourself to “refuel” you don’t have anything to give. It’s not selfish to do something for yourself even daily. People around you benefit when your happier and energised.

  • Steve’s writing is spectacular… it opens new perspectives in my head that very much needed opening. Even just the very first bit about how “The measure of progress in life and love isn’t the absence of problems, but the presence of better quality problems” spoke to me, like it was a key to a rusty and stubborn lock in my mind that I couldn’t get open. The different styles of both you brothers speak in different ways that make the message more effectively accepted and understood by the reader. Keep going, Matt and Steve, it is truly spectacular.

  • Hello Stephen :) I truly enjoyed reading your article, looking forward for more.

    I feel like I can’t find lessons as profound as others, but I learned lots of stuff anyway. Sometimes the hard(est) way.

    Lesson #1 If someone treats you like shit, run for the hills! They won’t stop. And just because they’re nice for a second when they fear losing you doesn’t make them any better. They will act shitty again soon. So run! (This is about people who were kinda nice in the beginning and then they just stopped.)

    Lesson #2 There are people out there who will be there when you need someone. Even if you haven’t talked to them in a while. But you gotta call and ask for help! If you don’t, you’ll probably talk about what you went through later. And you’ll find out whom you should’ve called. Remember them. For next time. (And call them during the good times too, of course)

    Lesson #3 Workout several times a weak leads to an enormous level of satisfaction plus a great body plus cheerfulness. You feel better, you look better, you smile a hell of a lot more – which makes you so much more attractive to others. Just because of your pretty smile!

    And may I add another one?
    Lesson #4 You want it? Do it! If it’s something that can’t be done right now, work towards it. Now.

  • Another Hussey to follow! Wonderful and insightful writing Stephen! Is it just the Hussey genes or is it that all British men are so introspective and intelligent?

  • Welcome Stephen! Good thoughts – thank you for the reminders!
    I learned a new life motto in 2013: Live Aware, Live Responsively, Live Responsibly. I hope to walk worthy of that.

  • I really love this post. That’s quite a whopping list of life lessons to have learned in a single year! 2, 7 and the bonus lesson are related and incredibly important when you’re trying to achieve goals, but hard to learn until that slap in the face happens. I think actually they present a good way to find out whether what you’re doing is REALLY important and really what you need to be doing. If you tell someone about your dream and their reaction makes you question it, then maybe your plan is something you’re doing for “face” or for someone else, or because you think society wants you to. But if you tell someone your dream, they react with mockery or discouragement or a dismissal, and you think **** you, I’m doing it anyway! then you and your dream stand a better chance of sticking by each other.

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