11 Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist

If you’ve ever wondered if you’re dating a narcissist, this week’s video should give you clarity. In it, my brother Stephen and I give you 11 specific signs to watch out for (and some might surprise you!)

If you’ve ever been in a situation like this, I’d love it if you left a comment sharing your thoughts or hard-won lessons.

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Matthew:

If narcissism can be associated with a kind of obsession with control. And the way that I can do that, practically speaking, is if I can dismantle your ego, if I can dismantle your confidence. Because your confidence is a threat to my control. The more autonomous and confident you are, the more agency you have over your own actions and opinions, the less I am needed.

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Matthew:

Stephen, shall we talk about this very, very popular subject in today’s dating world, the subject of narcissists. Now you found an article on this subject. Do you want to just kick us off with the article that you found, and maybe we can shed some light on narcissists, the difference perhaps between diagnosable narcissists, people with narcissistic personality disorder, and those with narcissistic tendencies that can have a terrible effect on our lives, even though they’re not fully-fledged narcissists?

Stephen:

There was an article about a self-confessed narcissist who apparently gives advice on social media for how people can basically avoid dating a narcissist or find out if they are dating one. So he’s sort of turning to public service and he’s on… His name according to this is Ben Taylor, and on TikTok, he has more than 30,000 followers. So a narcissist on TikTok, what could possibly go wrong? By the way, I’m only joking. I’m sure he is a nice chap. He’s he’s doing his best to help people now. So, fair play.

Matthew:

He’s using his powers for good.

Stephen:

He’s using his powers for good. And Matthew, he gives some of the signs. So I want you to react to some of these, see what you think.

Matthew:

Okay, let’s do it.

Stephen:

Narcissists do not like having rules or limits imposed on them. If you are communicating your comfortable limits and they keep pushing those, beware. And I think the idea is just that being told no, or thinking that there are specific rules that apply to you, a narcissist will immediately assume. Yeah, but that’s nice, but I don’t actually have to keep to them. I can do what I want really.

Matthew:

Yeah. I suppose, does this get linked with just a problem with authority in general, an issue following rules in general in life?

Stephen:

Yeah. I think it’s like of social grace or cohesion. It’s just a sense that whatever I feel is right or whatever works for me is the thing I should do.

Matthew:

Yeah. I can see that. It’s funny, the whole, I don’t… The rules are stifling always seems to me. I mean, look, for sure there are rules in life. And sometimes with other people that we think are just silly, that that’s always going to be true. There always are going to be silly rules in life. But when someone has a blanket approach, just disregards other people’s rules about how they want to be treated or rules in society, that always seems to me to be a true lack of empathy. That this rule, although it may not be perfect, has been created in some form for us all to coexist better. It’s been created in some form to try to improve life because without this rule at all, you wouldn’t want to know what life looks like. It’s not even being able to make that leap, or it’s saying everyone else should follow this rule, but I shouldn’t.

In a relationship, when someone’s telling you that they have a rule, it’s for the purpose of them feeling better. So if we have no regard for their boundaries or their rules, it’s the same thing as saying, “I don’t care how you feel.” What I care about is how much freedom I have to live exactly the way I want to live within this relationship or as the case may be without. So very good. What’s the next?

 

Stephen:

He said, this is the one from one of his TikTok videos. He said, a narcissist will often degrade or humiliate someone to humble them and to almost break down their self-esteem so that they only come to you for validation or to kind of see if they’re doing the right things. So you’ll find ways to subtly poke at the things they do, their identity, who they are, what they’ve accomplished and kind of break them down so that they think they have to win your approval. That’s dark.

Matthew:

That’s dark. Isn’t it? That, to me, if you were… Look, firstly, I won’t speak to whether these are the… Stephen, maybe on this article, it says whether there are clinical psychologists that back these up as genuine signs of narcissism or not. But intuitively that makes sense to me because if narcissism can be associated with a kind of obsession with control, that I want to be in control. I want to have a kind of godlike status. And the way that I can do that, practically speaking, is if I can dismantle your ego, if I can dismantle your confidence, because your confidence is a threat to my control, right? The more autonomous and confident you are, the more agency you have over your own actions and opinions, the less I am needed and the less malleable you are.

And if I’m a narcissist, I want you to be malleable so that I can control you. Or how do I make you more malleable? It’s not by making you stronger. Then I have a relationship of equals. Well, I don’t want you to be my equal. I want to be the best. So I have to make you malleable to stay number one and to stay in control. And I can make you more malleable by dismantling your confidence.

And if I’m the one who’s dismantled it, if I’m the one who has knocked you down and you are the kind of person that I can get away with this with, because let’s not forget, it takes two to tango. You need someone who is proportionately unsure of themselves or insecure, or carries trauma in proportion to the level of, let’s say, in this case, narcissism, that someone is showing. So I need to find someone this will work on, but if I can find someone who this will work on and then I can withdraw my approval of them, then it’s my approval they need again in order to feel good. So now they’re coming back to me to feel good. I become the source of your happiness. And if I am in the narcissistic category, that’s just how I like it. That I don’t want you to experience happiness outside of me.

Stephen:

And there’s almost that thing that they say that cults do this when they’re brainwashing people, but often they break you down, but unpredictably they’ll come and be really loving and build you back up. You know what I mean? Like it’s unpredictability. And it’s like, “Oh, they’re being really loving today. And I’m doing everything right.” But then it’ll be like, no, you put a foot wrong. You did something wrong. Like you’re a fool, you’re an idiot, you’re broken. And it’s that unpredictability can make you desperate for someone’s approval.

Matthew:

I think also it is hard sometimes when someone’s making us work like that, it takes up a lot of bandwidth. So, if you’re just trying to win someone’s approval again, you sometimes don’t even stop to think about why you’re doing this, or does this make sense that I’m trying to get this person’s approval? What am I doing here? They’re occupying you with a lot to think about, a lot to have to deal. I’m taking away your confidence. Now you’re having to work to get it back.

I do want to also point out though, because I think it’s important in wherever possible during these signs to point out the mass-market version of this so that we can all look for it in ourselves and say, “Well, look, I may not be a narcissist, but I’ve in some way in my own modest way, I’ve demonstrated this.

So when we talk about that concept of, if you’re… That one of the hallmarks of narcissism is I want to be responsible for your happiness and I don’t want you to derive any happiness outside of me. Well, most of us at one point or another have been in a situation where our partner has gone to do something that we feel jealous of. They’re going to do something really fun with their friends. And it’s something that we have this feeling of like, “Oh, I’m jealous that you’re going to do this really exciting thing without me, that I don’t get to experience it with you.”

Well, in a way, that’s just a mild for of the same thing. Isn’t it? That rather than put my partner’s happiness first and say, “Oh, this is wonderful.” They get to go and do this really great thing that they’re going to enjoy. And because I love them, I’m going to make my peace with the fact this happiness isn’t coming from me, that I’m not responsible for this and that it’s happening without me there. I am just going to love them enough to say I’m just really happy that they get to experience it. That’s a form of generosity that isn’t present in an awful lot of relationships. And it’s not because there’s a narcissist in that relationship. It’s just because that person has made it about them instead of making it about their partner’s happiness.

Stephen:

And that’s more like immaturity, like it’s immature to feel threatened by someone else every time they have a success. Every time your friend has a success, like, “Oh, that threatens me.” What does that say about me? That’s that’s not necessarily you’re a narcissist, it’s like immature. It’s like, you haven’t grown up. You haven’t.

Matthew:

Or insecurity or selfishness because you’re putting… you’re not putting how your part partner feels first or on a level with how you feel. It’s less important. It’s more important that I feel more successful all the time, or is more important that all of your happiness comes from the time you spend with me and not something you do outside of us. What’s the next one?

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Matthew:

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Stephen:

There’s one here that is ignoring your needs. I think this was one he mentioned in a video. Now that’s one, like your needs are just annoying to them. And it’s like, oh God, you want this thing, or this is important to you. The only thing with that one and obviously a narcissist would do that, but I reckon a lot of people would say that about bad relationships they had, where someone was bad at meeting their needs, or is like, “I really needed this much quality time with them. Or I wanted them to…” Whatever it might be. “I wanted them to spend more time together with my family,” or “I wanted to do this and they ignored that.” That may again have been signs of someone’s immaturity stages of their life, where they are particularly selfish. Maybe they just were very badly incompatible with you. And I feel like that’s one way someone could easily just go, “Yeah, my ex was a narcissist because they ignored my needs.”

Matthew:

Look, sometimes it’s, let’s also be real. It’s easier to say someone’s a narcissist than to come to terms with the fact that someone just wasn’t that interested in you. There are people albeit still a selfish act, there are people that aren’t really serious about us that aren’t as interested as we would hope and therefore don’t really… they weren’t trying. The relationship worked so long as you were catering to their every need. But when you have a need, you become an inconvenience. You’d just become a burden because I just, ah, God, you’re reminded, “I don’t like this person that much anyway. And now they’re asking something of me.” And now you resent them for it, but that’s not necessarily to do with narcissism.

It can be a kind of selfishness that you’re disregarding the fact that you taking and not giving is hurting somebody, but it can be a reflection of a relationship or a dating thing that you are in, because it seems better than nothing at the time, but you’re not as interested as they are. So that’s a distinction. Sometimes you can ask for something and they suddenly act aloof or give you the silent treatment or start to break away.

And you go, “Well, they’re a narcissist because they took all this from me, but now they can’t give anything in return.” Well, it might be because they’re not willing to. And it might be that at some other point with somebody else, they might give more. That’s a hard truth to accept, but it doesn’t change our reality, which is just that we want to meet someone who’s willing to contribute to the relationship at least at the level that we are. Even if they’re not going to… Relationships people contribute in different ways, but they’re at least willing to give on the level that we are willing to give to the relationship.

Stephen:

So last one in this piece is a narcissist will never admit they did anything wrong. It’s almost impossible for them. The only way they’ll say sorry for their actions is if they know they can manipulate something out of that apology.

Matthew:

Yeah, that’s an important distinction. I truly believe one of the most destructive traits of a relationship is someone that cannot apologize. And there’s a distinction to be made here, sometimes we are with someone. I mean, a lot of the time human nature is if you criticize someone on something, they get defensive. Most people are like that as a reflex response.

Stephen:

For sure. Most people don’t reflex apologize. A lot of people, their ego kicks in, scorpion tail comes up, and they’re like, “I don’t do that.” Or they just get mad because they know they do that and they’re annoyed that you’ve realized it.

Matthew:

But there’s a difference between someone who can come back an hour later, a day later, a week later and say, “Hey, I thought about what you said and you’re right. I want to work on that.” And someone who absolutely categorically thinks they’re right about everything and will use any amount of logic to persuade you, that you are the crazy one in this scenario. And that is a very, very insidious trait. When you’re with someone who… This is where you start questioning yourself and everything you know, when you are not feeling good about something, when something’s hurt you, when something’s made you feel a certain way and that person makes you feel crazy for feeling that. That person makes you feel like this is just representative of you being completely insecure, of you imagining things, the person who cannot apologize. You can’t work with a person like that. You can’t build with a person like that.

So if you are with someone that cannot apologize, cannot acknowledging the validity of what you’re feeling on some level, that is a major, major problem.

Stephen:

And I feel this is where these behaviors that really damage you over time. They are the distinction you’re looking for. Because like we say about the over diagnosis of narcism, I think some people just confuse people who have huge egos and they’re attention-seeking and you see them showing off on Instagram and stuff. It’s like, I don’t think every one of them is a narcissist. Some of them might be very well capable of saying, sorry. Or they might feel guilt when they do something wrong. They don’t manipulate. But they’re people who love attention, have huge egos, and think they’re the shit or whatever and love adulation. They might have a whole host of ego issues. But I think then people just look at someone like that and go, “Oh, that’s a narcissist.” And it’s like, but that person may not actually be like this manipulative or person who lies and makes you feel crazy.

Matthew:

Yes. Actively seeks to control your thought and ensure that you question yourself in the process. To throw a couple more in, one narcissistic tendency is, a lot of people go on a date and they’re like, “I had the best time. It was amazing. We did this, we did that.” And they don’t actually ever think to themselves, “Well, hang on. Did that person actually ever ask me anything on the date? Did they take any pains to get to know me at all on that date? Did they make my opinions seem interesting or important? Were they even interested in my opinions? Did they come out of that date knowing far more about me than when we went in. Or did I just have an amazing time because of how exciting this person was?” Because we did something really amazing on the date. Because they made me feel really special.

And let’s not forget, it’s not like a stretch that someone with narcissistic tendencies could understand that asking you questions and being curious about you would be something that would impress you.

So the key here is to recognize that early on a narcissist doesn’t ultimately care about your feelings, but they do care about the way they make you feel as a reflection of how great they are. If I can make you fall in love with me by the end of this date, then I’m going to feel really special. It’s going to remind me how great I am.

Stephen:

Yeah, they care about their status a lot and how they’re perceived.

Matthew:

That you go home and tell all your friends how wonderful they were. And it’s one of the reasons that in the beginning, people may… I can understand, by the way, someone hearing that and going, “Well, that’s great, Matthew.” So what you’re saying is if I go and have an amazing time on a date and they ask me lots of questions and they show interest in my life and they make me feel really special, then those are all warning signs.

I’m not saying that. I’m saying that the truth is the only way you really know if this is part of the show they’re putting on to make you fall in love with them so that they can get that good feeling or whether this is a genuine desire to know you to see you and for you to be happy with them. The only way to know that is over time.

The only way to know that is to watch and see if that curiosity about you is consistent, to see what happens when you start actually expressing needs, to see what happens when you ask for something, or when you talk about something that you are struggling with, or when you bring up something that they did that you didn’t appreciate. How do they react to those things? That’s when you start to get a picture of whether all those things you saw in the beginning were a beautiful thing, because they were just a reflection of all of these things they’ve continued to be, or whether those were actually a sign of something more insidious, which is that it was all about them.

They gave you the greatest date ever and made you feel unbelievable so that they could feel like they were valuable and in demand. It’s why you can never judge. It’s why you should never grieve a great date if it doesn’t go anywhere. You should never get off of an amazing date and grieve it if it goes nowhere. And the truth is most people, the more amazing the date was, the harder they grieve. “I don’t get it. We had the best time.” Well, that’s not a reflection of anything. Some people are really, really, really great at making you have a good time.

This is no reflection of whether someone’s a good partner or not. This is just a reflection of someone’s ability to put on a great show. And putting on a great show isn’t a relationship. So if the next time you have an amazing date or an amazing couple of dates with someone that suddenly falls off a cliff and doesn’t go anywhere, tell yourself, “Oh, they’re great at putting on a show. They have a great act.” And don’t get me wrong, it’s a great act, but it’s an act. It’s not real. It’s not about what we have, because if it was about what we have, then it would’ve become something.

I had this point written down, everything is personal to a narcissist. Everything is about them. You know those people in life who you do something and someone says, “That’s totally disrespectful to me.”

But it absolutely had nothing to do with them at all. It’s the same as someone cutting you off in traffic and you get so mad because you think it’s like this person just, they disrespected me. Not this person was late. This person’s in a rush to go somewhere, which is much more likely by the way, because are we really saying they can have any real intention toward you as a faceless person in a car that they don’t even know. The far greater likelihood is this is about everything except you. But we get mad because it’s about me.

Now again, this is one of those interesting areas where I would say that there’s a narcissism inherent in being human, because we’re all guilty of this, every single one of us. We go to the coffee counter and someone’s kind of rude. And we go away and go, “They were rude to me. That was about me.” And now you hate that person, but what’s more likely that they had some problem with you or that this person is going through something in their life that’s making them this way or that this person has been living their life this way the entire time. So I think there can be a trait in a true narcissist that everything is about me.

But it’s also a trait about us humans in general, that we also have a tendency to think everything is about us. We might say that one of the ugly sides of all of us in a relationship is making everything our partner does about us. That you do this thing, and immediately, I imagine how it affects me, whether it’s you having a good time, whether it’s me not hearing from you for an hour, I’m jealous you’re doing something. This is about me. All of the ways that we, in an unjustified way, make our partners life more difficult because we make something about us is our own hint of narcissism that we have to check ourselves on at fairly regular intervals.

The other thing which we’ve certainly touched on is this idea that a narcissist fundamentally lacks a kind of… I’m scared to say empathy because I think it’s possible to have a sense of what someone else may be experiencing, but the act of caring about what someone else is experiencing is a different thing altogether.

So I may on some level have the emotional intelligence of knowing that the person that I’m dating is suffering, is having a hard time with something, but I’m not able to bring myself to truly care about that or act on that. Because there is nothing more important to me than my feelings. There is nothing more important to me than my favorite. I need my favorite, whatever that is, regardless of how it impacts someone else. I may understand how it impacts someone else in my quieter moments. I may acknowledge it. But ultimately it’s not nearly as important to me as me.

Stephen:

And you think, “Oh, I know that really how it’s them,” but I do want to do this anyway. I want to go and get ice cream. I want to go and get ice cream now. So I know they’re upset, but I want ice cream.

Matthew:

What? Am I not going to have an affair? What? Am I not going to do my favorite?

Stephen:

Yeah, I notice it… Obviously I’m going to have the affair, but I notice it hurts them. But that’s what I want right now.

Jameson:

There’s a great book called Against Empathy by Paul Bloom. And basically his argument is that empathy is actually kind of a baser emotion. So he has this whole argument where he argues for rational compassion instead. But one example he uses is that bullies are actually… people say that psychopaths are bad at empathy and bullies don’t have any empathy, but bullies are quite good at empathy. They know exactly the pressure points to make people suffer. And so, I do think that’s an important point, Matthew, where it’s like, it’s not that a narcissist might not… they don’t have no experience of empathy. They might just put themselves first so much that it doesn’t Matthewer.

Matthew:

Which is really disorienting when you have someone like that in your life, because you can have conversations with them where they seem to get it, where they show understanding of how you’re feeling. They sometimes can even show contrition, but it doesn’t change the fact that they always put themselves first. In other words, when the rubber hits the road, their actions remain the same because regardless of how much they may seem to understand your pain, “You’re right, you are right. I can’t believe I’ve done that. I’ll never do that again. You’re right.” They cannot change what they do because what they want their own selfish desires or for them avoiding their own pain, avoiding their own discomfort is the most important thing in the world to them. The concept of truly putting somebody else first is something that is alien to them.

But that’s a very hard thing because it’s one thing to be with someone who doesn’t even get it, who just makes you feel crazy, it’s another thing to be with someone who seems to get it, but still doesn’t do anything about it. And that’s a very, very painful thing because you have to then, because with someone like that, you can genuinely connect. You can actually connect with them. You can feel like they understand you. You can feel like you’re both on the same page. But that’s where you have to look at, well, is anything actually changing? Is this person actually starting to put me at least on the same level of importance? Are they actually taking account of my needs? Are they actually changing? Are they actually doing what they say they’re going to do?

And then we have to look at their actions. And if the answer is no, then the fact that they get it ceases to be important. If you keep torturing me and telling me that I get it, I know this is really hard, but you just keep torturing me anyway, does it Matthewer that you get it? Because my reality is no different. I’m still being tortured. So at that point you have to say, I can’t have a relationship with you because you’re still doing this thing even though you get it, which actually in some ways just makes it that much more egregious. Doesn’t it?

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Matthew:

Do you want to change your life? Go to this video now immediately right now. Because you want to be happy enough that you don’t settle for the wrong thing. You want to be happy enough that if you find the right thing, but that person ends up treating you badly, you can walk away from it.

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19 Replies to “11 Signs You’re Dating a Narcissist”

  1. I recently lost a parent my sibling owed them money, instead of telling the truth they attacted me. Threatened me and committed domestic violence against me so that I wouldn’t bring forth to the court the paper work showing they owed the money , they continously threatened me day in and day out to get control . I was devastated by the loss of my parent and having to be their care giver for years without pay 24 hrs a day …Anyway it drove me to the point of wanting permanently out of this life . I was hurting myself in my sleep because I couldn’t deal with their nastiness, they made me sign papers putting them in charge of the will . Though I did write and sign an affidavit showing and detailing the abuse and had it noterized. Now since they got what they wanted they are happy . I’m not I want to hire a lawyer and protest against what was done to me to get their way …. should I do this ? I know it’s just going to open more hell for me … I’m feeling better now and more emotionally stable. As soon as I’m employed I want to do this . Can you tell me why I keep getting treated like this …. I walked away from an abusive boyfriend but how do you walk away from a familymember. ? I’d love to do your retreat but like I said I’ve given up yrs of my life to care for a parent and I am broke . I’ve been living on Roman noodles and paying their bills and debts funeral, burial etc so I can not afford to come .

  2. Thank you so much for touching on this subject. I have followed your work for years. This subject hits so close to home for me because I have invested my time over and over again with narcissistic men. I was almost strangled by my ex fiancé earlier this year. I then found myself in a slow building friendship with another narcissistic man later this year. I recently ended things with him because he was being dishonest with me. When I brought this to his attention, he proceeded to tell me that I was acting childish and crazy. He never apologized for the dishonesty. He just proceed to blast me for his dishonesty. I quietly and maturely said thanks but no thanks. I have considerably improved on picking up on these traits. I’m so familiar with stonewalling, gaslighting, breadcrumbs and silent treatments. It usually starts with that “great show” you speak of until they get you solely relying on them for your happiness. The best part is, I make myself happy. So, I no longer participate when I see a lot of these red flags present themselves. I refuse to be a survivor of narcissistic abuse. I will be a thriver and eventually find myself loving a man who is none of the characteristics you mention in this video and what I have experienced over and over again. The cycle will break. I hope your material helps men and women realize the detrimental effects being with a narcissist has on their emotional and mental health.

  3. Very good listening to this I left a 7 year narcissistic relationship yesterday it was all about his needs what he says
    He liked to receive expensive gifts but he never gave expensive gifts
    I was a fool but I’m out of it now this was a 3rd party situation

  4. One of my favourite topics! :-) I started reading about narcissism after a narcissistic relationship ended over 10 years ago and have dodged quite a number of bullets since. I feel lucky that I escaped early in the relationship (1.5 yrs of marriage). It has instilled in me the value of trusting yourself and your own intuition. The frustrating part is that most people are still not aware of how narcissists function and are therefore blindsided and easily influenced by them. Narcissists are only as strong as their followers (their ‘narcissistic supply.’..their ‘enablers’, their ‘flying monkeys’), so please do continue discussing this topic as any inkling of a revelation can save someone from a toxic relationship. Narcissism is revealing itself to be a pandemic on its own accord, after all isn’t it narcissism the driving force behind global issues? I’m also glad that you parallelled the experience to one of being in a cult. Meredith Miller, Trauma Coach also very eloquently explains the cult dynamic parallelling an individual romantic relationship to society’s relationship with our own governments. They will continuously oscillate between good and bad behaviour which is meant to confuse and destabilise the person/society (a ‘gaslighting’ effect) all in an effort to ‘hoover’ them back in. I highly recommend Dr Ramani, a Professor and Clinical Psychologist who is an expert in narcissism. A Dr Ramani video a day, keeps the doctor away. ;-) Thanks so much! :-)

  5. Thanks for the clarification! My ex had a few of the descriptions mention but in my heart I know he isn’t a narcissist. Yes the term is used freely when talking amongst friends to label people who are not invested like we are. So the question is how do you maintain a relationship with the ex who was your friend prior to being romantic? I want my friend back but not the one side romantic relationship. Is it possible to fix it?

  6. At 51, my life has been filled with narcissists. Healing from their abuse is one of the darkest journeys I’ve ever been on. I thought I had done the work to avoid one after my divorce 7 years ago, only to fall for another one 3 years ago. The relationship / situation ship ended with the classic humiliation. I’m destroyed

  7. I had booked & paid to attend the last Virtual Retreat on 24.9.21, but got really sick when I had an injection for Covid on 23.9.21 (I spent 3 days with my head in a bucket throwing up !). I corresponded with Charlotte Hayward after the Retreat, asking for a refund, but it didn’t go anywhere. She said a refund was not available (although that was not my understanding of the pre-Retreat conditions). After a few more emails, I think she gave a somewhat vague indication that I could attend the next Retreat instead, but I’m not sure if that would be for free. I’m not in regular employment, so I certainly can’t pay for it again (it was a stretch last time).
    Would it be possible for me to access the Retreat in March, without additional charge, to make up for what I lost due to illness ?

  8. Seen someone i cared deeply about,he was amazing for 3 months, kept saying go with flow, which i liked,but he kept saying he needed space, i only seen him twice a week. He would use his kids as an excuse. Then hed come back, say we were a couple and go into detail about how our life would look. Then every week just before weekend hed say, its not fair on you, im seeing where your heads at, were not in a relationship, just go with flo.i was his sounding board when he was upset, his lover when it was convenient,i blocked him for 2 months, he was texting me, saying what i thought was not the case, almost blaming me, for daring to ask for exclusively and respect. I then started talking to him again, he said he missed me, saying i can see how you feel. Still No further progress, he then said he was self isolating for 10 days, covid. On the FRIDAY he was live on Facebook in a club. When i commented you said you were isolating? He text me, oh that was up today, was a work night, but why are you on my Facebook story?? His is all private, but hes looking at mine, my Instagram, my pictures. That was it for me, his me, me, me, all about what he wants, and still wanting me to take whatever scraps he throws out? No way, i told him never to contact me again. I was everything to that man, he played on it time and again, when it was at his convenience

  9. I want 2 see this one again.i hav baby duty but wow…good work u guys.truly.do u suppose being a narcissist is a chemical or genetical disposition,?plus,we are human so I believe we all have a touch of being selfish…I understand that about life & I try my damndest 2 b a kind understanding women.not always easy though I’m still a big fan

  10. I’m so happy to see you are helping to educate people on this topic!! I unfortunately have years of experience with this…13 years married to a malignant sociopath narcissist, and 21 hellish years “coparenting” with this sick person. Then after our divorce, I met “The One…” a Covert Narcissist VERY different from my ex husband. Took nearly 9 years before I built the courage to leave. I’m an attractive, well-educated, kind, empathetic, funny, passionate 53 yr old woman who fell for all this and can offer a lot of insight & advice on many levels. To touch upon it in this short post I’d like to say that yes, there are a lot of toxic personalities out there who incorrectly get slapped with a “narcissist” label when they’re not. Now days I do believe there are many more true narcissists out there than we realize because they do NOT often seek help. They think everyone else is the problem. The LAST thing a narcissist wants is to risk being blamed, having to take responsibility, or to have their true intentions and lies exposed! Blessings, Wendy

  11. Good topic! Narcissism is really something different than being “just” egoistic. It’s dark and damaging. I found out I had PTSD and needed therapy.

    My mother is a silent/ hidden narcisist and always tried to keep control of me when I was a child. I decided to keep distance when I was 14 and she started a battle to get control of me. She even set my brother up against me and he started to beat me or chase after me. From the outside everything looked just nice and fine; if my mother couldn’t keep up the facade she told people I had autism and was difficult. I even have done a test to prove I don’t have autism, but was in a damaging situation.

    The most important rhing is to listen to your intuition. If someone is constantly crossing your bounderies it’s a clear red flag.

  12. Thank you. I’ve been in the throes of leaving / working out if I’m in this kind of relationship. We broke up a while ago but we’ve stepped back in and out.

    I’m strong about my boundaries after a lot of therapy. Pretty basic stuff like I’d I need to stop and say that – we need to stop. I set that early on as I know it’s. triggee for me. He repeatedly crossed it and said things like “it’s my right to… “. No. I need to stop. He does so many of the things. Pretty sure all.

    I’m out. He lives far away. So it’s not TOO hard. But it’s been hard. I’ve questioned for a moment of my standards are too high – as he suggested they were. They’re not. They’re basic boundaries.

    So I thank you for helping me have clarity.

    I saved this to “read when I miss x”. I made notes. Each item has a YES by it.

    I’m responsible for me and my outcomes and happiness. And I’ll not let him take me down further. It’s been 5 months. 2 of which were solidly apart. That only stopped cos I went to him cos I was over stupid text stuff. And – he got some parts. Admitted fault. Wouldn’t look at me when I was sad trying to explain what happened. He’s not capable of change. I find it sad. I know he’s hurt from his past based on his stories and that’s why he’s here. But he takes no responsibility for growth and not hurting others with his pain. It’s time for me to take my responsibility for myself and cut it off. It’s been so hard. Thanks for helping. I feel stronger for this video.

  13. I was married to a narcissist – they treat you like a pet goldfish but you are not aware you are a goldfish to them. It is horrible. The main thing to remember is you are not a person to them that has autonomous thinking and feeling, you are basically their pet who exists to please them. This becomes extremely obvious when you are ill and your illness is an inconvenience to them. You might notice things like the only reason they want you to get better is because the house is dirty since you’ve been sick, or because it’s inconvenient for them to deal with the things you usually do – it’s beneath them. You can never be “better” than them at anything and if you are, they will tell you the thing you’re good at is dumb. They will dismiss anything you have to say if it is not the same opinion they have – because they believe they are smarter than you, and therefore your opinion is invalid. They will take everything you say and bend it to their benefit, whether it is bending the rules on monogamy, or making you look like the devil. They will start to convince you that you are crazy and that YOU might be the narcissist.

    Divorcing them is worse. Leaving them (especially if you file first) bruises their ego so much it’s not beyond them to hack your phone and computer, threaten and stalk you. Or sh*tpost about you online, blatant falsities, libelous trash that could get you in serious trouble. They believe they are above the law and they do not care how their actions affect you; they only care that you’ve “hurt” them and they are upset.

  14. I’ve been in an online relationship for a year (SO weird – I’m 67, Covid’s had such an impact). At first we had really long deep conversations almost daily. Now he’s really erratic, won’t commit to showing up. Disappears mid-conversation. Yet when we’re online together he acts like nothing’s wrong. I called him on it, pointed out that if this continued there’d be no ground for relationship, said I felt really hurt, & was often lonely. He said I was being passive-aggressive. I’m pretty sure I’m not. Actually, he once said “I want you to want what I want.” Whether or not he’s a fully-fledged narcissist, I need to get out right now, & that’s what I’m doing tonight!

  15. Thanks again for reposting this video. I’m glad that you mentioned that narcissists want their victims ‘malleable’. Incidentally I went to a yin yoga class the night before and the instructor was talking about being soft and malleable as if you’re too rigid you break. I guess there are benefits to being malleable, which is a very wonderful quality to have within the context of ‘healthy’ relationships. but reframing it to manipulate for the benefit of someone whose only intent is to underhandedly exploit that quality and then to blame you for not accepting it is just ‘egregious’. :-) Again the focus is on the other person and not the perpetrator. :-)

  16. This is such a great piece..now i understand my boy friend has this narcissistic trait. Will see how to handle him from this article view …i don’t wish to lose him..

  17. People with NPD are dangerous. They will destroy you in every way. They are only interested in getting attention – positive or negative, doesn’t matter. They have an extremely low self esteem and need constant attention, adoration and admiration. They don’t love you – they don’t know how to love.
    They lie, cheat, steal, use you in every way. They will only be in a relationship in order to use the other person for whatever they can get from you …. your home, your car, your bank account, sex … anything and everything.
    Huge red flags are the abuse of every kind. Put-downs, insults, nastiness and cruelty. And the Narcissistic Rage. It’s very scary. Like a 4 year old throwing a temper tantrum because they can’t get their own way.
    These are ‘kiddults’ … 4 year old little kids in an adult body.
    The NPD pattern is always the same. Love Bombing > Devaluation > Discard. And repeat …

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