13 Subtle Ways to Make Him Want More With You

In today’s new video, I’ll share with you 13 highly practical tips to get him to take you more seriously. Some of these are subtle, but each one of these points can have an outsized impact on how your relationship moves forward.

I’m excited to know what you thought and which one was your favorite. Let me know in the comments . . . I’ll be reading them!

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Matthew:

What does it take to get a bloody relationship these days? A lot of people are finding themselves in these protracted, casual situationships, dynamics that mimic relationships that give people the boyfriend girlfriend experience, but try and pin someone down and ask them, “Are we actually in a relationship? Are we actually exclusive? Is this going somewhere?” And suddenly, they start to freak out. Is this something you can relate to? Well, if so, I think this video is going to be one you enjoy very, very much. I’m going to give you 13 ways to be taken seriously by somebody for a relationship. They are really practical and really easy to do. Before we do that, I want to make sure that you go over to HowToGetTheGuy.com. We have a new tool over there. It allows you to tell us what your love life challenge is right now.

And then, the tool recommends you my best solution for what you are going through. All you have to do is go over to HowToGetTheGuy.com, put in your name, and hit start here for your personalized solution. Now, onto the video. Number one, be more than a last-minute plan. It’s so easy when we like someone and they text us at the last minute saying, “Do you want to do something tonight?” It’s so easy to just say yes. Now, I’m not saying you should never respond to a spontaneous offer to see someone, but if you find yourself routinely responding to last-minute offers, then you are devaluing yourself. Instead, send someone a message back that says, “I’d have loved to, but I have plans tonight. Maybe give me more than 24 hours notice next time? Little blushy, smiling face.”

Number two. Don’t just go with their flow on a date. There’s a temptation, isn’t there? To please someone by going with their rhythm, their pace, what they want. Someone else wants to have many drinks. We feel like we should have many drinks with them. Someone else wants to stay out late. We have work in the morning. We are going to be tired. We don’t really want to stay out late, but we do. Someone wants to have sex or go home with us. We oblige, because we feel like we should, and we are attracted to them, but it’s a bit fast for us, but I am attracted to them and maybe it won’t hurt. So we do it even though it’s not something that we actually really consciously want to do. Don’t just do it because the other person wants to. When you set the tone, when you go with your own flow, you get instant respect, and you get taken seriously.

Number three. Suggest a date plan. Now, this doesn’t have to be for date number one. You can see if they’re good at coming up with a plan for date number one, but for date number two or three or four, don’t be afraid to be the one who actually takes initiative and suggests something. “Why don’t we do this? I found tickets to this thing. Do you want to go?” It shows that well, A, you are confident enough to suggest something. B, you are diverse in the kind of things you like to do. “Hey, I saw this event, this mescal tasting experience. Do you want to go do it? I thought it could be fun.” But C, it also creates a sense of adventure that this person experiences with you. It’s not just on a set dating track that mimics every other date he’s been on. There is a unique experience and moment that you are going to have together.

Number four. Send a post-date text. This is where you are the one who actually sends a text saying, “I had a really lovely time tonight.” Now, I actually don’t get hung up on whether you are the one who sends the text first, or you send this as a reply. My point is don’t be indifferent. Don’t be too cool. Sending a text that says, “I had a really great time tonight,” is an act of vulnerability, and it shows that the date actually meant something to you. This is especially important after intimacy. If you go home with someone and have sex, the next day, don’t play it cool and just be like, “Well, I’m just not going to text them. I’m going to wait for them to come to me.” I’m not saying you have to rush to text them, but at some point that day, send them a message and say, “I had a really amazing time with you.”

When you send that, what you are showing is that actually had some meaning to you. So the implication is, “You shouldn’t treat me casually or lightly, because that wasn’t just nothing to me.” Playing it cool backfires if it teaches someone, if the message received by them is that the moment, the intimacy, the experience of being together had no meaning to you. By the way, this is a technique called post framing. What you’re doing is attaching value to an event after it’s happened so that person knows that event actually had some meaning to you. And it makes it more likely, therefore, that it will have meaning for them, too. Number five. Show genuine appreciation for something they did. If there was effort made by somebody, and by the way, you can do this in the same text I mentioned before, or you can do it in a different text, actually acknowledge the effort that was made.

“Hey, by the way, that was really sweet of you to arrange the tickets. Thank you so much.” That shows that I actually noticed the effort you made. I’m shining a light on it so that you see that effort, too. What it tells that person subconsciously is, “Oh, I made an effort. Look at that.” And if someone actually acknowledges and realizes they made an effort, then it makes it more meaningful to them that they made that effort. And of course, the fact that you are appreciating it makes you valuable, too, because not everyone does. Number six. Have them come to your part of town. One of the staples of someone being casual is them always having the dates on their terms, where they want, at a time that suits them. What we want to do is bring someone into our world. And one of the ways we can do that is simply by having them literally come to the area where we frequent, where we live.

I’m not necessarily saying your house, your apartment, but have them come to your part of town. Especially if that part of town means that they’re the one who has to go out of their way this time. I always think that bringing someone into your world is a way of bonding them to you more. If everyone is always uprooting you from your world and putting you into theirs, then they’re in their element and you exist in the abstract in a way. You’re not a person with a life and who is tethered in all of these ways and has these interests and here’s where you live, and here’s the places you go to. Here’s your local coffee shop. No. Instead, you just exist in their world as an idea. One of the ways to be taken seriously is for someone to actually see your roots, who you are, what you are all about.

The places that make someone realize, “Oh, this person is a person with a life and things they love.” I remember the first time going to my now fiancee, Audrey’s, place and seeing plants all over the apartment. It was a moment where I realized, “Oh, this is something she really loves.” I didn’t know about it before that, and that created more of a three-dimensional picture of who she was. And like I’ve said before, when someone becomes three-dimensional to us, they are far harder to walk away from. Number seven. Regardless of your beliefs about who should pay on a first date, at some point, pay for something. Whether it’s you are the one who buys the tickets to something, or you pick up the tab in a restaurant, or you are ordering delivery, and you just hand them your phone with the restaurant already selected and say, “Choose what you like.”

And you are the one who does it on your account. It shows that the dynamic isn’t a transactional one. It shows the absence of any kind of entitlement, and it shows you’re a team player, that you’re willing to contribute. And when someone is thinking about their future, more than anything else, registering that someone is a team player is a deep reason for choosing someone. Number eight. Send them a picture from a different part of your life, where they see you in a context they haven’t seen you yet. We all are multidimensional, but a lot of people only see us in one context, the date context. It could be a picture or a video of you having a fun moment with your family, and they get the context of you being this person who loves and is loved by these people in your life. It could be you at a work conference where you’re dressed up in your work attire, and you say, “Five hours of business workshops today. Wish me luck.”

And they get to see you in a professional context. Whatever it is, it goes back to that idea of painting a three-dimensional picture about you. A huge part of that is what I call unique pairings, when someone sees that you’re not just this thing. You’re that thing as well. You’re not just sexy and fun. You are professional. You’re not just professional. You are sweet and warm and a family person. It shows these different parts of you that make you a complex and uniquely attractive person. Number nine. Send them an “I was listening” text. This is where you send them a text message that calls back to something they have told you about themselves or their interests. It could be that they talked about how they love movie scores, and you send them a text with a link to a movie score that you really love.

“I thought you’d like this since you’re so into movie scores.” When you do this, it’s A, little vulnerable on your part and B, it shows that I actually, even in the amount of time that we know each other, which may not be very much, understand something about you. Something about what you like, who you are as a person. In sending you something that relates to that, it’s almost a form of acceptance, isn’t it? It’s a form of understanding and accepting who someone is. Number 10. Save them a cookie. If you show up to their house sometime, and you say, “I made these for myself earlier, but I saved you one because I know you really like cookies,” obviously, the cookies are a metaphor unless you ever come to one of my events. In which case, this is very literal, and I will never be unhappy with you saving me a cookie, but it’s also a metaphor.

Let’s just call this one tiny gifts. You don’t want to do it with big gifts. Big gifts wreak of trying too hard. But little gifts shows that I was thinking of you when we weren’t together. And therefore, you are a thoughtful, kind person to be taken seriously. Number 11. Be playfully assumptive. If someone sends you a message that says, “What are you up to?” You say, “Why? Miss me?” Then, you follow with another message before you freak out and go, “That’s so arrogant. I would never say that.” You immediately follow up and you say, “Just kidding. I’m with my sister right now. We’re having such a good time. What are you up to?” But the work has already been done. You’ve already had that moment of being self-assured, being extra confident, and also putting in their mind the idea that they miss you. So that thought has been created.

“You texted me, because you missed me, and I’m making you aware of that. I am someone to be missed.” Number 12. Avoid the bandwagon of agreeing with someone all the time. One of the sexiest things we can do at times is disagree with someone. Be willing to break rapport. Not aggressively, but in a way that shows that we have our own mind, our own opinion, our own way of thinking. I actually think one of the really sweet ways to put this into practice is if you see the person that you’re dating talking in a mean way about someone, and you get to almost check them a little bit sweetly and playfully. But let’s say they’re saying something mean about someone. You go, “Hey, be nice.” Now in that moment, you are calling someone out, and that creates just a little hair of friction, which is good.

That kind of friction is actually good. You’re breaking rapport. What it says to someone is “I have a high standard for myself, and you just fell beneath that standard for a moment.” And you are confident enough to, albeit playfully and sweetly, check them on that. Now, number 13 is I think the most surprising of all of these little techniques. Before I tell you number 13, did you, at the beginning of the video, when I said go over to HowToGetTheGuy.com, put in your name and hit “Start here,” tell it your love life problem? It’ll give you my best solution. Did you do that? Or did you just brush past it like it was a Dove advert? Like it was an advert for Pantene shampoo? It’s not. It’s an advert for me, the guy that you came here to watch. So please, go over to HowToGetTheGuy.com, put in your name, tell it your love life problem.

And it will recommend you one of my solutions. Seriously though, go over there. It’s really good. Lots of people have benefited from it. Now, number 13. Number 13, beware the weekend away. Now, the reason I think this is surprising is because when someone invites us on a trip, it feels like it might be a route to something more serious. A route to getting really bonded and connected with someone so that by the time we come back, something more serious is on the cards. The problem is if we just go and do that without assigning any meaning to it, we run the risk of assuming that just because time spent away in close proximity with somebody would mean a lot to us, that it also means a lot to them, too. Now, I’m not saying you absolutely shouldn’t go and have that weekend away with somebody.

But what I am saying is they should not be in any doubt as to what something like that means to you or the significance that something like that might have to you. Now, by the way, if it has no significance to you, that’s okay, but we’re not having that conversation. If you want to go have a fun weekend with someone, go do it. Just don’t think it’s going to move the needle on anything. But what you can do if you’re looking for something serious with someone and they’ve invited you on a trip, is say to them, “I instinctively want to say yes, because I like you and I think we would have the best time, but I also know that something like that is meaningful to me. And I wouldn’t just be going on a trip with a boy if we weren’t on the same page about it.”

Now, he may say, “About what?” Which, by the way, if someone says, “About what?” That’s normally a bad sign. If someone starts acting obtuse when you say things like that, that should be treated as a little bit of a warning. But if they say, “About what?” Then you say, “Well, about whether there’s any intention behind this afterwards, or whether it’s just a bit of fun. Which is totally fine, but I know myself. I wouldn’t just be going on a trip with a boy if it was a bit of fun.” To recap on this point, don’t do it thinking that it will mean the same thing to them, because that’s a massive assumption and it may be wrong. And don’t go away with them without them knowing that it does mean something to you. And by the way, for anyone out there who is nerdy like me and just enjoys the language to put to these things, in number four, we were talking about post framing.

In other words, sending a message or having a conversation with someone after the fact to let them know that it had meaning to you. This is preframing, letting them know before you do the thing that it will have meaning to you. Hey, let me know what you thought of this video. We were excited to make this one for you, and I’d love to know what you think. Please leave us a comment. Let us know which of the 13 was your favorite technique for being taken seriously. Like the video, subscribe to the channel, hit the notification bell so that you get the notification for the next one, and we’ll see you next time. Go over to HowToGetTheGuy.com, put in your name, tell it your love life problem, and it will recommend you one of my solutions.

Jameson:

I kind of love it.

Matthew:

I like it. I think we keep it.

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16 Replies to “13 Subtle Ways to Make Him Want More With You”

  1. This is my favorite video you have EVER Made. I LOVE your playfulness and your examples which explain each a little more in depth. I am so grateful I found you. I have been using all the tools you have taught and even though I haven’t found a good man yet, Im a lot faster about noticing the losers which I woukd normally waste my time on and break my heart. Thanks so much

  2. I LOVE this Matthew!
    Firstly, I love it because I’ve recently done some of these things which is a direct result of my Love Life membership. Now I have a few more I can do to really solidify my place with this person.
    Second, I love this because these are exceptionally practical and leave you in a high value place and in control of what you want and what matters to you.
    Thanks so much!

    1. He broke up with me and has made phone contact after a few months. A long chat. Said he’s busy for the next 5 week. 2 weeks on and no contact from him.
      I don’t know what he wants..

  3. Perfect timing! I recently had a conversation with a guy friend about where I stand and how things affect me. Your video helped solidify where I need to be and how to frame things.
    I also recently talked with a different guy about planning a trip together and I’ll definitely need to bring up what a trip together would mean for me. Thank you for keeping me in check!

  4. 6 & 8 were helpful for me to hear, I know the rest, but you describe things so well its nice to hear the ideas fleshed out more. Thanks!

  5. Always nice to hear your advice. I get what you’re saying about not jumping to see someone at the last minute or that person not coming to your neck of the woods? I was invited to see this guys band play several times. So kept going to… I realized he never comes over by me or where I live? I think there is chemisrty there and I’m pretty sure he likes me. But I backed off and not I;m really going
    to any concerts lately. If he wants to see me in my town or show some sort of interest? Then he will have to do some work…

  6. Funnily enough, I’ve done them all, though, he did see me as a valued person to have around, but sadly nothing romantic come out of these…is there a way to get out of the friendzone or make him chase me? However, the added challenge to this equation is that, he’s gazillion miles away from me, 12hrs time difference to be exact whereas previously, we were working in the same place and time zone.

    Any advice ?

    1. I am dealing with this too right now. As high value women, we have to have awareness that some men have a certain “type” and being stuck in the friend zone means that essentially, although we are beautiful in so many ways.. the “type” we are he does not find “attractive” enough to ignite a romance… I am 5’3″, and fluxuate between 115 lbs in the summer and 125 lbs in the winter… My guy that I have been friends with for 8 months, and adore… pretty sure he’s a boobs man. I am a solid 32C when I am at my heaviest, and 34B when I am at my most lean… Either way, I think he only wants to make out and be romantic with C cup plus… This SUUUUCKS… it’s so superficial, but it is the gods honest truth, that some men, especially those that just want casual… have a “type” and they stick to it… Brown hair brown eyes, Blond hair blue eyes, exotic/dark women… white girlz… whatever. You probably have a “type” too… I am notorious for brown hair blue eyes guys.. I have only dated two brown eyed guys in my whole life… It just is what it is… If a guy has you stuck in the friend zone, it probably means you do not fit his “type” in a very physical way and it’s a signal to value yourself enough to know that you are beautiful and there is someone out there who with think you are very attractive.. Go find them!

      Go get it girl! Matthew and team, would you care to weight in on this? I know this is a heartbreaker for a lot of women… myself included… I bought silicon pads to put in my bra for the summer :) hahaha… Just gotta hook them and maybe they will realize it’s just the bra they are attracted to… or maybe it’s the bra that will hook them and the me that will keep them coming back for more. It’s an evolutionary physiology thing… hard to compete with the “type” that some guys find physically attractive.

  7. I really like this one Matthew! I agree with everything you said and have implemented most of it. Thank you for reminding us of all of these important gestures, affirmations, and acknowledgements we need to lovingly give to people we love, not just date, too.

  8. You’re the best, Matthew!!

    FYI, I’ve blocked all other dating coaches’ emails because you are the guy with the most heart, depth, insight and thought-fulness in considering your advice. Bravo to you! XOXOXOXO

    P.S. Congrats on your engagement. She’s a lucky girl!

  9. Thank you. Great video. Since you asked for feedback, found the font and colour of the font a little hard to read, but I did not maximize my screen. Thanks again. Loved the consolidation of advice.

  10. Love you Matt! You’re the best and so funny. Great stuff. I WILL go over to How to get the Guy now that I have watched the whole of your lovely video. See the pre and post framing I did there?

  11. I enjoy these pieces of advice, Matthew. Ironically, I got out of a potential relationship with a guy I was seeing for a few months after doing all of these things. The reason why I say that these help is because he took me seriously as a human being even though it didn’t work out.

    We had different communication styles and were insecure because we connected so strongly that it scared us to go further. I had offered to focus on our friendship instead. But he was focused on other issues in his life and ghosted me as a result. He apologized after I explained I was confused, but his actions were lacking. So I reminded him of my boundaries (again as we had compromised before and it failed). But I never heard from him again.

    He meant well by respecting some of my boundaries, but didn’t treat me like a priority with the lack of communication. So I had to walk away. It hurts because he was a good person in so many ways, but I’m glad that I learned how to be taken seriously when dating someone at the beginning and what my boundaries are.

    If nothing else, these tips not only keep a guy interested…but he sees you as a person who deserves respect early on. That way if it doesn’t work out and/or you aren’t receiving that level of respect, go find someone who can do that for you.

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