15 Sure Signs You’re Dating A High Value Man

Stephen Hussey

I’ve spoken many times in these blogs about what makes a high value woman.

Because of this, sometimes Matt or I will be accused me of not paying enough attention to the men’s side of things. For example, I’ve often read comments asking “Why not write a piece about what men have to do in order to keep a great woman?”, and more recently, a reader who asked “How do I tell the difference between a high or low value man?”


Ok. I’ll bite.

Usually when confronted with these questions I have a stock answer, which is simply that, were I writing for a male audience, of course I would have a great deal more to say about what men should be doing to impress women and improve themselves (and I have much to say on both).

But then I realized: it can only be a constructive and useful exercise to talk about how the best men ought to behave in relationships.

I don’t want to patronize anyone here by assuming you don’t know a good guy from a creep or a selfish a**hole when you see one. But it never hurts to be reminded of the standard of treatment you should expect from any man in a relationship.

I’m very particular about the close male friends with whom I keep company. And I’ve realized the ones I truly respect, that is, those I would recommend to women as great boyfriend material, all share certain traits in common.

So, from my experience, here are the sure signs you’re dating a high-value guy:

He cares about seeing you play at your best

A great guy has no interest in seeing you scale back your ambitions so that he can feel good about himself.

On the contrary, he loves to see you flourish. For him, supporting your success only means more excitement and adventure. He loves seeing what you make of your life and cares about protecting your dreams.

In short, the high-value guy lives to see you playing at an extraordinary level.

He isn’t afraid of you over-taking him

Guys worth dating aren’t fussed about out-earning you or worried about who is further ahead in their career.

He won’t get insecure because you happen to be a lawyer or have a PhD, nor will he fret about your substantial paycheck. He doesn’t measure his life in competition with yours, because (would you believe it?) he has self-esteem and measures his life on more than just achievement.

He wants to provide for you

This one might seem like it immediately invalidates the previous point, but it doesn’t.

Here’s why: Even though he’s fine with you over-taking him financially, a high-value guy still wants to be someone who can provide for you in all kinds of ways.

This doesn’t mean he wants to pay for everything, but he’ll work hard to be the kind of man who can protect and serve you, whether by being emotionally strong, financially independent, or by being able to treat you to incredible experiences and indulgent surprises.

He’s turned on by your independence 

“Damsel in constant distress” is not sexy to a high-value guy.

A man worth being with delights in seeing you handle your own life (even if he loves to help now and then), and will want to encourage anything that promotes your autonomy and independence.

While every man loves to feel needed, only insecure daddy-type guys seek to acquire importance by seeing you helpless and entirely dependent on them.

He’s responsive to your needs, even if he doesn’t always get them right first time

Ok, he might not know the *exact* words that turn you on most right away, or he might not realise that “quality time” is your love language, or he may not know that handwritten birthday cards make you melt.

But he learns. And responds when he drops the ball and gets it wrong.

The best guy isn’t a mind-reader, but he is an expert at following the signs if you make them clear enough.

Just enjoy it (and for god’s sake let him know how happy his effort makes you ­– positive reinforcement works!). Showing him that you notice and appreciate his listening skills is the best way to get more of it.

He doesn’t need to be asked twice to come and help you out of a bind

You’re in trouble? You need help with your university paper and want someone to come and read it at 4am the night before submission? You need to be saved from your family?

He’ll jump out of bed and into his car to come and save you before you’ve even put down the phone. He might not like the “damsel in constant distress”, but the “damsel having an occasional freak out” will make him drive all night like a knight riding to save a princess.

He won’t take your crap

Be warned: high-value guys have high expectations. If you’re ok with that, this will only raise your game.

He’s strong, and that means he doesn’t put up with draining people in his life.

He has no interest in indulging complaining and doesn’t have time to waste endlessly going over old problems or moaning about the past.

If you’re being unreasonable, he’ll tell you. To your face. Like a man. In other words, be ready for a guy who will stand up for himself and won’t stand for being walked over.

He takes care of his life with minimal fuss

High value guys limit the amount of time they spend wallowing in self-pity after a setback. They are responsive in the face of failure and spring into action at the sight of problems rather than falling apart.

Of course, he’s still human. And vulnerable. Which is a good thing. So sometimes he’ll need love and reassurance that everything will be ok. But then he’ll be back on his feet and fighting to get a grip again.

When the castle crumbles, he’s the one who starts stacking bricks to rebuild the fortress.

He cares about keeping small promises

In the book The Road by Cormac McCarthy, the son tells his father: “If you break little promises, you’ll break big ones.”

This is essentially the philosophy of a high value guy. It’s his code. He doesn’t feel ok simply shrugging his shoulders when he promised to pick up your shopping on the way home and just forgot. He kicks himself when he promised he’d book that restaurant and it totally slipped his mind.

The idea of not living up to his word is death to him. As it should be for all of us.

Speaking of which…

He chooses his words carefully

A guy who is great relationship material says nothing idly. He doesn’t make empty proclamations of love that he doesn’t feel in his heart.

He won’t say trite phrases or go through the motions if he thinks he’s just using cheap sentiment to soothe you without addressing the real problem.

If he says he adores you, he means it.

He’ll comfort you. He’ll stroke your hair and tell you you’re incredible. But he won’t make everything sound easy or simple when it’s not. Because he cares about big ideas like Truth and Honesty.

He wants to improve without needing to be asked

Great guys are always looking for ways to be better.

He doesn’t want to get healthy because you asked him to, he wants to do it because he takes pride in caring about his body.

He reads books not to show off, but because he takes education seriously.

He seeks adventure not to impress you, but because he wants to grab life and suck up experiences while he’s on this earth.

He seeks success because he wants to fulfil his potential, not because he arbitrarily wants a bigger paycheck.

At his core, he’s self-motivated. That might sometimes mean he tries a bit harder than he needs to, but that’s a much better problem to have than having a lazy man who never makes an effort.

He’ll “grasp nettles”

I stole this one from advertising genius David Ogilvy, who wrote “leaders grasp nettles”.

What Ogilvy meant by this is that leaders in life are willing to do the difficult action that no-one else will. This is the same of any high-value guy. He doesn’t run from the difficult or sensitive conversation. He confronts problems. He makes the difficult phone call.

He doesn’t put off troubles hoping they’ll just blow over. Which is why others respect him and look up to him.

He’ll invest in the relationship without losing himself in it

Maybe it sounds romantic to think of the Edward Cullen obsessive-love type boyfriend, but in the real world a high-value guy is capable of falling loving without obsessing (he can still be passionate and intense, just not in the creepy stalker-esque way vampire romance novels portray it).

Guys who are well-balanced have multiple sources of joy in their world. Friends. Family. Fulfilling work. Because they’ve learnt how to be happy being single first (as I’ve spoken about before).

All of these are important to him, even if eventually you become the most important thing to him.

He listens to what you tell him and responds

As mentioned earlier, high value guys want to make you happy. And this means they listen. They look for clues. They are endlessly curious about you as their partner and want to understand your mind.

You’ll usually see this in the amount of thought he puts into gifts and trips, particularly if it involves things he’s clearly decided based on your previous conversations.

Of course, that does NOT mean he’ll always get it right. Even high-value guys will sometimes get it completely wrong and screw up badly (we have to be realistic, after all). But crucially, he’ll keep trying to fulfil your needs. He’ll remember when he messed up and adjust his behaviour. And if you communicate your standards well, he’ll strive to live up to them.

He has unique pairings

High value guys, like high value women, don’t rely on a single personality trait.

He can be intellectual and deep, but he can also be exciting and totally silly. He’s comfortable being sexual, but he’s also a gentleman and has class. He’s fiercely loyal, but ready to double-down on his principles when his view differs from everyone else’s.

The best people always embody both sides of the coin.

He builds a future with you

 The high-value guy who is serious about you will want to make you the strongest team in the world. He’s loyal and wants to find ways to bring you closer together, which means he thinks about the future with you and discusses it openly.

That doesn’t mean he’ll necessarily move quickly, but it does mean he wants to invest in the relationship and make your emotional connection stronger so that he can share his world with you.

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

So there it is.

I feel like these traits could go on and on, so I’m fascinated to know what you think I’ve missed or what you might add to this list. Let me know in the comments below!

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *    *

Stephen Hussey helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.

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97 Responses to 15 Sure Signs You’re Dating A High Value Man

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  1. Dee says:

    I read this, but wonder if that’s an impossibly high standard for many men? I only wish there were men like that out there in my part of the world…

  2. Ioana says:

    I am so intrigued

  3. Plamena says:

    And in addition to my previous question. Stephen do you think that a high value man, would be tolerant to be with a high value woman TO BE? I mean let’s say that the woman is self aware enough and she wants to reach that level of her best version of high value woman, but still fail it time to time. Do you think that this high value man would encourage her or be supportive, or even just show her, give her a tip time to time and be patient about it? I mean at the end of the day we are all humans, we learn everyday, we want to get better and better at everything including ourselves. And couples are learning and exploring from each other everyday and if they have the desire than everything is possible. Thank you very much in advance! I am waiting impatiently and i am curious about your answer Stephen. :) Kindest regards, Plamena

  4. Plamena says:

    That was a great post, thank you very much Stephen! So my question is:Do you think that a high value man would be attracted to a high value woman, who is not that successful at the moment at her work for example, but she has passion to develop. In other words, obviously high value men are usually very successful in their area of work, so do you think that it is necessary the woman to be that successful like them to be noticed and do you think that a high value man can notice that high value woman, who is not at his circles or who is not at his league, or who is not that successful in business or personal life at the moment, but she strives to be. I hope I was clear enough :) Thank you Stephen!

  5. Emma Lucas says:

    Incredibly instructive and useful Matthew! One of the reasons that I appreciate you so much is that you’re the first person I have ever come across who openly talks about the dynamics of healthy relationships. Why don’t they teach this stuff in psychology or health class?!? Kind of important, lol. I feel like we just expect each other to have this stuff figured out, but it’s kind of hard if no one ever talks about it. Thank you ( :

  6. Mark says:

    Thanks for the post! Guys, you all finally know what women want in you

  7. Volkskrieg says:

    A real man doesn’t need a woman to feel valuable. On that note women, especially western women bring nothing of value to the table and they are welfare recipients who use the state to take from men because they are not equal and not independent. A real man lives with purpose and not the purpose of pandering to a lesser being like a woman

  8. Jed arden says:

    I assume that I already found my perfect match bcoz of this traits that you write about. I mean my question, this type of guy is an ideal man that can be marrying type? thanks

  9. Salma says:

    How can i ask a question?

  10. Candy says:

    Very comprehensive and thought-provoking

  11. Marina says:

    That is a great article, thank you. What suggestions do you have for dating a single father? It’s so difficult to find time. Love how his priority is his children but I would also like to spend time with him.

  12. John says:

    There’s only one sign of a high-value guy: He doesn’t date. He knows women only want to suck the life out of a man. He knows they are dangerous and won’t hesitate to falsely accuse him. He knows they’re only interested in his money.

    He avoids and ignores them. He doesn’t flirt. He is not available for a relationship, because he’s got important things going on and doesn’t need a woman screwing up his life.

  13. Steph says:

    I liked this, but I really liked the reference to McCarthy. Thanks for throwing that in!

  14. Elisa says:

    Thoughtful and well written Stephen!! I really thought about it and I couldnt add anything more about this High Value Guy! Its recognizing him when when he is in your life that is KEY!! Thank you for taking time to write this lovely blog!

  15. Elisa says:

    Thoughtful and well written Stephen!! I really thought about it and I couldnt add anything more about this High Value Guy! Its recognizing him when whe he is in your life that is KEY!! Thank you for taking time to write this lovely blog!

  16. Faradiana says:

    True enough. But to have a unique pairing character, that need knowledge on social skill and also experience. Which is hard to find.

  17. Sheree says:

    Reading this article just shine light on the high-value guy I now have in my life directly due to having purchased Get the Guy & Keep the Guy. It changed my world. I knew what to look for, could quickly weed out the ones that were definitely low-value and when I met someone who was high-value I knew how I needed to be too to attract and keep him. We’ve been together just over 3 years now and I’m still raving about your programs! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

  18. Jill Hansen-Addy says:

    Hi Matthew! There’s this guy that I just met. We’ve being dating for almost a month now, and he said he wants us to have a baby.He never mentions marriage first.He thinks that should happen a year after the baby is born.Meanwhile he doesn’t know any of my family members.But the thing is, he has most of the qualities you stated above. What do you think I should do,and how do I know he isn’t faking it?

    • Teri says:

      After knowing someone for only a month it is impossible to know if he’s a high value man yet. One clue that he’s not is he wants to be a “baby daddy” and make you a “baby momma” does that sound like a high value guy. I think you have some growing up to do as it sound as if you are not mature or have not had enough life experience yet to know when you are being played.

  19. sese says:

    Okay now I think I want to date a high value man so thank you for this amazing article

  20. Topsey says:

    Oh my, I really am in trouble. Casually seeing someone and think this could be special. Having read the artical and with him ticking every point it’s clear I’m falling in love. This could be the high value guy for me… as long as I let myself take that step, become vulnerable and let him in. Bit more work for me to do I think.

  21. dianne says:

    Never met anybody like that :(

  22. Mina says:

    I really enjoyed this article, however, finding a guy with those qualities seems too good to be true. I feel like there are men who would posses a few of those qualities at a time, but not all of them at once. I would have a better time finding a fictional character with those all of those attributes.

    Nevertheless, your article was insightful.

  23. Jami says:

    Finally! An article about the type of guy I’m looking for. I’m sharing with all my guy friends, some who are high value, others who try really hard to be but aren’t quite there yet. And keeping it as a reminder to myself that to have a high value man, I HAVE to be a high value woman. Thank you Steven.

  24. Pamela Chandler says:

    Once again you and Steven were on point !
    I can’t get enough of y’all
    Keep it coming
    I can’t wait to see and meet y’all in Nov!!!

  25. Sandie says:

    This was very helpful. I’m excited to see who will enter my life and know the qualities to look for.

  26. corburt erilio says:

    I really enjoy studying on this site, it contains wonderful articles. “A short saying oft contains much wisdom.” by Sophocles.

  27. Vera says:

    Now… where is this guy? I know exactly… two. And both are in a relationship. As long as it is so I strongly rely on myself for fulfillment. And even if I’d find, someone I’d do so. So in the end, I don’t know if I really should keep on thinking about this future scenario of having a typical man-woman-children familiy at, especially when good material is so rare ;)

    • JustAGuy says:

      They exist but just not for long on dating sites, because as soon as they find what they believe to be a high value women they are no longer on the dating sites.

    • Sazarac says:

      I work in scientific jury selection so I travel for a living and on arriving in a new urban area, I can look at Yelp reviews for 20 minutes and find a bar that will have 3 or 4 single guys that I think are pretty high quality, during happy hour.

      What do you look for in a guy? I usually want:
      1) graduate or professional degree from a top school (like if he was a lawyer he would have to have gone somewhere that Big Law recruits from.)
      2) lives in a downtown loft/ condo, or live in one of the 650 super zip codes, or live on an inherited estate.
      3) someone that has the pedigree but doesn’t have to (or preferably doesn’t) work for a living–I can do bad all by myself.
      4) bottom line if he can’t afford a) to take off a couple of weeks a year to go to Europe, b) $20k each a year for private school tuition for future kids c) a summer house on the beach, and a d) winter cabin for ski trips–then a man really is not of the social or economic caliber to get married or start a family so I don’t want him.

      My problem is not so much that I can’t find a man, I find acceptable men all the time. I just don’t want to give up my job and in 20 years my husband runs off with a younger model leaving me with nothing. As I am sure most women are aware–any quality man has a quality prenup.

  28. Erin says:

    Just a lovely reminder how lucky I am to have him. Thanks much.

  29. Brandi says:

    Omg I’m so using this checklist to “invest check” every guy I date. I fall so fast and hard, this is already steering me away from the no-no’s (though really nice ones!) and towards the great guys for me. Plus, you cobfirmed what I knew but just wouldn’t accept early on. Thanks a mil Stephen. p.s. Now do one on us ladies. ;)

    • JustAGuy says:

      Just be careful of the “He Provides for You” trait.

      Not the best way to say it as the phrase “provide for” has negative connotations of paying for everything, taking care of your emotions (no matter how unreasonable they are), etc. A better way to say it is he wants to be there for you. A high value guy often has had experiences with low value women who want the guy to basically pay for their life in all ways. That is highly unattractive to a high value guy, he doesn’t want a dependent he wants a partner.

      A high value guy, especially one well to do and attractive, will screen out women who seem to always expect him to pay for things.

      Always offer to split the tab on the first date, and even later. Don’t be offended if he accepts your offer, and don’t be surprised if he pays. He needs to know his value to you has nothing to do with the material things in life he can provide.

      People who are interested in you for the material things you can provide them are a dime a dozen.

  30. Ashwini Bhitre says:

    JUST WOW!!! Stephen, you just made me believe in my dreams and that these super guys exists! It was a super fabulous read. But I wonder how will I meet This Guy, and where? Anyways happy reading from you. Thank you so much.. :)

  31. Jess says:

    Wow…..ok so the guy I’m dating is a douche bag and the guy that’s into me is essentially a keeper. Wtf is wrong with me!!!

  32. Jacqueline says:

    Completely agree. And despite what some people are saying, these guys really do exist! Most guys out there also possess the ability to meet all of these qualities, but you may not always meet them at the right point in life. And sometimes they may only be the high value man, for the right high value woman. It goes both ways. I met my high value man at the right time and I happened to be the right woman for him.

  33. Susan Davis says:

    Oh, geez…where to begin. I liked the article. I’m sure there are a number of men out there that possess several of these qualities at one time– all of the time. There might even be more than a few guys that possess them all, but not all of the time and there might be a handful of them that possess these characteristics 24/7. However, I am having a hard time believing that they exist in numbers that would be sufficient as to accommodate the number of single, high-value women out there who will now be looking (and fighting tooth and nail) for them.

    Maybe some will even think they have found him and others who will say they married him…but more probable is that you will get many more women who will say 5, 10, or 15 years later, they thought that was who they married.

    If this guy existed in such numbers, the divorce rate would not be more than 53% of the married population because there isn’t a woman in her right mind who would divorce him.

    To be quite honest, I would settle for having this person as a friend (yes, even with bennies) because if he was all he said he would be or was, he would help me to be the high-value woman I’m sure he would command, but that if I became, I would see no need to marry. LOL

    We keep raising the bar and we do it at the expense of our own potential happiness.

    I’ve come to really appreciate Matt and Stephen a great deal and I ADORE them, but sometimes they can be guilty of painting a picture that we’d all love to jump into, but one that only Mary-Poppins can enter.

    That being said; another quality that would be a must on that list is the ability to make me, at best, laugh; at the bare minimum smile. Stephen Hussey achieved both today.

    I always look forward to the posts, videos and blogs. That sometimes make my day.

  34. Lorine says:

    Thank you for the article!!
    It hit the nail on several points but the parts that I liked were having difficult conversations and helping d other to grow. I am talking with a guy who is like this and plus he keeps on saying ‘you build a relationship and not rush into it’, so I really get the part of the guy not moving quickly.
    Thank you once again

  35. Victoria winner says:

    Awesome! I was really amazed about your 15 sure signs you’re dating a high value man. Thats his my man. Unfortunately we have been done for almost 2 weeks thats why the pain is still here with me. I am always reading a good advice like yours to ease the pain of what I am struggling as of now. Thank you so much for the wisdom and God bless you more so that you could help more people like me in times like this. Best regards! Victoria.

  36. Joey Water says:

    Talk to HIM. Not to your mom. Not to your ex. Not to your best friend. Not to a stranger. And for HEAVEN’S SAKE not to a friend named Jessica! Talk to him. Give HIM a chance to listen. Give HIM a chance to talk. Give HIM a chance to be vulnerable. Give HIM a chance to be loved. Do it without fear. Do it without aniexty. Do it without any expectations good or bad.

    • JustAGuy says:

      Communication is the key to any long lasting relationship. Expecting someone to “just know” is a recipe for relationship disaster.

      A high value man will not expect you to read his mind, even when he thinks it’s obvious, he will talk to you before he acts in a negative manner. Why? He is strong in himself, he will communicate respectfully, he is not afraid he will “damage the relationship” as what kind of relationship is it if you can’t talk. Also, a high value man realizes that not everyone thinks alike, because he pays attention to individuality not fitting the world into stereotypes. So you think when you drop hint x, y and z it’s obvious the response you want. Think again, dropping hints to get help is passive aggressive and low value.

      Talk, he will listen.

  37. crystal says:

    Well i know a man who has all these above described qualities.
    But still i find him shallow, my intuition says that he isnt what he potrays.
    He doesnt like commitments but to overcome his loneliness he want to be in a part time relationship.
    When I met him, his thoughts impressed me a lot, he is quite liberal, rational and open. he wasnt narrow minded like other guys, neither possesive nor clingy, he told me i can have my freedom, nothing would change after i commit to him, i can do all those things which i enjoyed when i was single and give them my priority.He told me he loves me a lot. And all these beautiful views of him made me fall for him. I thought i have got that right man i always wanted. But when I am with him, i can never feel that love, his eyes are always wondering of on other women, he tells me he wants to be in polygamous relationship.
    the qualities he described he needs in a woman, i cant meet those, i myself told him each and every flaw i have and he motivated me to change for my good, he always listen to my problems, he encourages me to complete my education and get a job and become independent. If he really loves me why dont he want to get committed, and if doesnt love me why he is so keen on bringing positivity and happiness in my life……
    He says He never had a gf before in his life, so thats why he doesnt want me to leave, he is very much happy about the idea that atleast there is someone who loves him, he isnt lonely anymore (though he is quite social and has a big circle of friends)
    well I beleive a high value man would be honest and loyal and get committed to only a single woman matching his standards rather than being stuck with someone who doesnt have those qualities he wants in his woman just to overcome his loneliness
    I am so confused regarding this man…what he has for me is it mere lust or he loves me ? Confused :(

    Pardon my english , and the length of the post, and i know everything is a bit confusing too, cause right now i am just out of my mind :-C

    • C.L. Sweatt says:

      He is using you as a time killer. His statement about becoming independent etc., says how he feels about having a future with you.

      He refuses to ‘settle’ for you and his desire to have multiple partners stems from feeling trapped somehow or stuck if you will, in the relationship.

      While he may love you, based on the info you provided it is more like a platonic love, non-romantic.

      To hold being high value over his head, ‘he would commit to a single woman,’ etc. Is a grasp at straws.

      We all can stand to grow and my suggestion to you is, be what you want or aim lower. Best wishes love.

      • JustAGuy says:

        Most likely right. Or that could be his sexuality. Either way, odds do not look good for him to just decide you are the only one.

  38. Phap Khem says:

    Keeping a man sounds like so much work, maybe that’s why I am still alone.

  39. Jo says:

    Just confirms I was married to a ” low value” man…… Has my suspicions but I guess it’s offici now!!

    Onwards and upwards

  40. Kia says:

    Articles like this bugs me every time. When someone places their truth as if it is my truth, in this case a man telling me what guy is the best for me. I know what a “high value man” is for me, I don’t need an article to tell me that.

    (speaking of reducing someone and try to fit them into a concept) a person is always more than a silly article’s concept.

  41. Kristen says:

    ….and then he cheats and makes all of the above obsolete

  42. Tess says:

    He does not make a habit of being overly critical or pointing out flaws & weaknesses. Those behaviors don’t bring people closer together

  43. Julie MacKenzie says:

    Awesome article Stephen….as usual..

  44. Hawa Robin says:

    “Great guys are always looking for ways to be better.”

    Growth is sexy. It shows a human being is looking around(including inside), taking stock, and making moves to adjust accordingly!

    • JustAGuy says:

      Just realize, a high value guy has his own values of what he wants to improve on. It may not be obvious, or even on the outside. It could be an internal way of being and seeing the world. Too often “improving” oneself or “getting better” is code for material things or being someone’s servant.

  45. Julia says:

    This is a wonderful post Stephen, it really “hit the nail on the head”. You drove the points of this post very well and I thank you for taking the time to come up with this. A very valuable tool to use indeed and I am sure you did a lot of work to get this out for our benefit, so again thank you.

  46. Starr Cooper says:

    I met a guy who does all of this for me and shows all of these attributes. He trusts me and I trust him, we understand each other, we’re close and talk about very personal things with one another that we don’t tell other people, and he is a friend with benefits. I swear I almost get this feeling he wants more from me, but I’m scared to say anything, because I would rather have him in some way than no way at all. Explain that one for me please? I would love to know. What should I do?

    • Kristy says:

      You seem to be underestimating your own value. You deserve to have all your needs must be met just as his do, if you want more then to settle for something less just to keep him doesn’t do either of you any good. If he is the high value man you claim an honest conversation is warranted.

    • JustAGuy says:

      Doesn’t sound like your settling to me. Rather you are both being cautious about “wanting more.” Ask yourself what this more is, and how long you have been together. A high value guy is going to be OK with a conversation about more.

      He may be just as nervous as you. Why? I bet he sees you as high value, you sound like his best friend. I cannot tell you how rare that is in a woman. Women believe they know how to listen and be a friend, but to their girlfriends, men can be different. If he is trusting you with his deepest dreams and feelings, that is trust indeed.

      I am going to assume “more” is exclusivity, a good way to phrase it is to say you really just want to see him. If it phrased as something you are going to do because of how you feel about him it set a better tone than something like. Let’s be exclusive, or where are we going, or what’s the status of our relationship. Yes these are all questions you want answered, and they will be in the course of the conversation. If he’s high value, he is no fool. He knows that you want to be more formal.

      Note, depending on his personality he may already be feeling all those things that make it more, he may just not care about societies labels. Nevertheless, he will care about your feelings on the matter.

      Again, if he is a high value guy, he will listen to what more means to you. And you may be surprised he may feel it. And he will listen why a label such as boyfriend-girlfriend is important, or meeting others important in your life (parents, friends) is important to you.

      Now if it is marriage or kids, those are big steps that even if he wants them it may not be the time in life to take them. In a high value guy’s mind, if he is still with you when that time comes you are the one he will ask. In fact, he may be taking it slow to see if you are.

  47. Sandy says:

    This list makes me want to cry! Just kidding!

  48. Susan says:

    This is a wonderful list of qualities a high value man would have. It helped me to realize that the man I am dating is a quality man. I used it like a checklist and he has these qualities. Thank you for your dating insight on men. I greatly appreciate it.

  49. Angela says:

    Hi, Steve. I think that was a great list of good qualities – but not of a high value man, but an extremely exceptional man. I am a happily married woman to a very good man who I am improving over time, but “…will jump into his car at 4 am to read your school paper…” – you have got to be kidding. You and Matthew seem like fine men, but there is one thing neither of you are, and that’s married. You’re thinking, poor woman, she’s so mistaken, I would totally kick ass for my wife when I’m married. Yes, you probably will, but jumping in your car to drive in the middle of the night to read a paper is not one of them! You’ll be more like, “Love, you were aware of the deadline well in advance, and it would be much appreciated if you did not cram in this manner.” If your sweet Mum called your Dad at 4am to read a paper (doesn’t make sense, but let’s say they were sleeping in different locations in this example), he’d be like “bloody hell, you have got to be kidding…”

    • Sandy says:

      Being not married doesn’t mean anything. Im not going to argue or anything. Just saying i know this for a fact.

  50. Lindsey says:

    Appreciate you writing this! You delivered. There’s also an element of time and timing that is really important here. There are guys who profess love and immediately want to plan a future together, but this isn’t meaningful after the second date- it could even be deceptive. Patience was very difficult for me to learn. I have had quality guys who were over the moon and ready to just dive in. It took me a long time to learn that a high value man wouldn’t rush into a serious relationship. When others were happy to jump right in, this was a distraction making quality men difficult to decipher. High value men go carefully into relationships and know the women they want to date very well.

    Also, you said this a few ways, but the biggest thing a high value man does is meet my needs. He anticipates my needs before I realize it. And, I don’t have to tell him if I’m uncomfortable. He looks at me and knows and responds to what I need just reading my body language and expression. This is maybe too picky, and none of my friends have this in their man. But I believe this is how a high value man is and I didn’t know I needed this until I experienced it :)

  51. lan says:

    he also needs to be a problem solver in relationship, he’s dedicated to the relationship so when he encounters a problem, he’s not seeking to change partner first but to solve problem first.

  52. Jaya says:

    Wonderful article. I’d add the following:
    Honest and walks his talk. Some men will say what you want to hear in order to get what they want. That’s why it’s so important to take it slow and test their actions to see if they match up with their words. Honesty is so crucial and seems to be hard for lots of men. I’d add that women can help by being calm and providing a safe space for men to speak their truth. Honesty can mean telling the truth about something that is uncomfortable to admit. This shows courage and a real man, in my opinion.

  53. Trisha do says:

    And yes ladies, those guys are out there. They may not look like a million buck but when u get the time to know them, u can see these traits.

  54. Trisha do says:

    I just realised my husband is one of the high value men. Very proud!

  55. Linda says:

    One trait I would add to this excellent list is that he is willing and able to resolve differences in a mature fashion because he’s committed to making the relationship work. Running away or quitting at the first sign of conflict is the mark of an immature boy, not a mature man. This of course also requires emotional maturity, something that I’ve seen in only a small percentage of men.

  56. J says:

    Oh Stephen.
    Ive just had a complete break through. In the past, I have not dated or sought out high value men. Thanks for this. I now know what Im looking for and I cant wait to find it.

  57. Leena Chadha says:

    I did think I meet that guy when I went to see him and spent 2 weeks it fell apart and we parted as friends. He said it’s not me but he has issues and when he gets close to anyone he wants run. Not easy to know if anything he said was ever true.

  58. Stacey says:

    A guy I knew long time want me to submit to have sex with him. Can’t tell him how I feel about him. Suppose that he want friends with benefits with me. Is that true that he doesn’t like me or want me.

  59. Victoria says:

    The first thought that comes to mind when reading this article is ‘How to find such a guy?’ These guys, of course, exist. I know two of them who satisfy most of the 15 criteria; they are married to people close to me.

    Still, this article has practical significance:
    1. When our appetite is whetted by this vision of a high-value guy, it motivates us to be a high-value woman.
    2. When our men are *mostly* high-value men but are lacking in some key areas, we can gently nudge them towards perfection by making suggestions and praising them for even small achievements.

    Thank you, Steve!


    • Allison says:

      Victoria, your number 1 resonates with me. I’m looking for a high value guy, but I know I need to step up my game and be the type of woman he would be attracted to.

  60. Shawnelle says:

    As always with you, young Hussey. Impressed. ;)

  61. Ana says:

    OMG! Th guys actually exist? You mean I don’t have to go to Narnia or Wonderland to find them? That’s great. My standards just went up 500%.

  62. Ana says:

    OMG! This guys actually exist? You mean I don’t have to go to Narnia or Wonderland to find them? That’s great. My standards just went up 500%

  63. Jill says:

    I envision Matthew and Stephen sitting across from each other arguing about what traits to include in this article and what not to.
    I was going through your list generally, and of course I would want to find all of these in one man…someday…but I started to apply them to my last relationship. He fit into 10 of the 15. He would probably argue that he meets all 15 without question. But the meaning behind some of those is different to me than it would be to him. But he did not have some of the base qualities. There are no value qualities on your list pertaining to respect-trust-forgiveness-honesty. I’m guessing because those are obvious base building blocks, but that can appear deceiving if only reading this article. Having an opening listing out the basic values, morals etc could help some people.

  64. mina says:

    thanks for writing this… i have such a boy in my life.. and i proud of my self

  65. Ashley says:

    It was a refreshing change to see you write this. Good job! I think a high value guy also appreciates and understands that we are are biologically and neurologically programmed differently than men. That means he’s looking for a woman who compliments him, not someone who is a prettier version of himself. I love dating a man that acknowledges, understands and even embraces these facts. We are different and that’s what makes relationships fun, exciting and beautiful!

  66. Julie MacKenzie says:

    That is such great advice…

  67. Lisette says:

    This couldn’t be more accurate! Made me really realize what I have. I’m lucky to be dating and hopefully soon marrying one of these! Thank you Stephen! So grateful for the wisdom both you and Matt have imparted on matters of the heart. Cheers!

  68. Magalie says:

    This perfect man is able to show both being very strong & masculine even if he’s not physically very built & he can be so very sweet & subtle in words or physically by a graceful touch or little attention & he has sensibility in being attentive to your desire of being truly loved & respected & he makes you feel protected in his presence ! He is a gentle/man!
    He is willing to let go of his desire to flirt with other woman if he sees it makes you truly sad cuz you love him!
    His mind is really subtle & playful,
    He’s really intelligent & wise,
    And has a glimpse of spirituality if not more! So that he would be curious about trying for example tantra instead of laughing about it if he doesn’t even know what it is!
    Such a man would litteraly make me melt & be so happy!:))
    I wish i am not just @ dreamer or expecting too much… cuz aren’t dreams existing in our minds to become living creations & possible & beautiful realities?? Or are they only illusions that we create in our minds that will someday dissipate since everything is impermanent/or cuz reality shows another play that we didn’t expect nd we become desillusionned & lose our optimism..?
    I even came to a point i wanted to renounce man cuz i want to feel like a respected goddess in his heart but rare are man who get it…or who want just one woman! So i prefer to stay alone than being hurt…
    I guess i have to do it myself!
    I know…i mean create this reality?
    Thank you Matt 4 encouraging me/us to stay optimistic & to give moral strenght & advices to help not losing faith in beautiful human values.
    You made me see that such “perfect” noble man still exist in this world,
    and that many people are looking 4 better & higher though simple too.
    So i am not alone in this!
    You are a very good man & i wish you to be totally blisfully happy!

    • crystal says:

      I too dreamt of such a man, and was firm that wont let any man in my life who doesnt beleive in commitments….but alas i got a man who has every quality you described + the above post, except the fact that he cant stop flirting to other girls, neither can he stop checking them out in front of me, moreover he says he wants a polygamous relationship…..its quite painful to bear this attitude of his, neither he wants to leave me nor change.

  69. Tricia says:

    Spot On, Stephen! Excellent post! Totally agree!

  70. Michelle Clarke says:

    Stephen, thanks so much for writing this. Sometimes it seems so demanding to be a high value woman and “Never stop trying to impress your partner” when all we really want is someone we can call and say, “I feel so overwhelmed today” and be encouraged. I know that this guy you wrote about is really what I should hold out for. Relationships and life is hard enough without bringing a guy who isn’t worth it into the equation. I would say a guy who doesn’t have these things would cause more pain than anything because these things really are pretty basic and essential for a healthy, mature guy. Thanks again!! Once again you’ve provided a super great cheat sheet and organized / spelled out something vital for us perfectly.

  71. Michelle says:

    Brilliant as usual. Keep writing and I’ll keep reading! ;-)

  72. leecis says:

    thanks Stephen! very consice and helpful!

  73. Jessica says:

    Fantastic post. Thank you!

  74. Krys says:

    I feel so lucky! Most of the traits listed above, i found it on my boyfriend <3 This is very accurate! I love this site! Thanks

  75. Kish says:

    This is a great list. I’m afraid it is also entirely too good to be true and I doubt such a man exists. And if he does exist, I doubt if we would be a good “fit” for each other. I’m pretty sure that the competition would be fierce and he would be snagged by the time I blink my eyes in astonishment.

  76. Mary Jones says:

    After reading this I thought wow! Where can I find a guy such as this? I am amazed as it’s very accurate, it sums up a high value guy.

  77. Farah says:

    Hi Stephen,

    I couldn’t not comment after reading this article in particular. I agree with what Ariana said in regards to how crucial and significant the article is, I am marking it too. I felt like it is a good list to go over every now and then to make sure that we are on track and more of like a self reminder of what needs to be worked on, I guess. Having said that, some people out there might argue the accuracy of this article and they might challenge the existence of such magical being. And that does not matter because I know for a fact that Matthew is a living example of all you have talked about and I am pretty sure that you are as well. Thank you both for all of your teachings!

  78. Teresa says:

    YES Stephen, I agree with everything on the list! I would add also “has his own thing going on” – it’s important for me that a man have his own passion(s), whatever that is (as long as it’s not morally dubious) that I don’t really have much to do with, just as I want my own thing that’s not connected to him directly. I suppose related to that I would add “gives you your space”. Don’t nobody want a clingy clinger! That’s just me personally, though.
    Love this, sending it to my friends.
    Quick tip: you might want to proofread :)
    Love! x

  79. Megan says:


    As usual I find what you say incredibly useful and fascinating to read. I can look back on past relationships and see that they all had some of these characteristics but none of them had all of them. I will keep the in mind as I continue dating. Thank you!!

  80. Arianna says:


    This is a fantastic article! Very comprehensive. I will certainly bookmark it, and probably even print it out to hang on some magnetic surface. This is the kind of man to hold out for!

    I also want to add, which you touched on a bit, that a high value man is open to exploring his own emotional experience. They don’t have to be the most verbal, or communicate 24/7 how they are feeling, but it is so important to have those emotions communicated in a clear manner. Communication is important to me, because it allows us to talk about the things that are going well, and the things that could use work. A man who values honest, respectful, and open communication… winner winner, chicken dinner!

    Another thing would be, he takes interest in some of your passions. Even if they aren’t his favorite things, he learns to love them by seeing how special they are through your eyes (and vice versa regarding his passions).

    The more I re-read this, the more I love it! It is no wonder why I am such an admirer. :)



  81. sana says:

    Thanks for the article. It was interesting to read and inspiring to find out all the featuers and behaviors a high value man…I am quite doubtful that such man exists, it looks as an ideal. most of the time, you will find more or less of theses traits but not all. Does it lower the value of the guy ?

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