I’ve spoken many times in these blogs about what makes a high value woman.
Because of this, sometimes Matt or I will be accused me of not paying enough attention to the men’s side of things. For example, I’ve often read comments asking “Why not write a piece about what men have to do in order to keep a great woman?”, and more recently, a reader who asked “How do I tell the difference between a high or low value man?”
Ok. I’ll bite.
Usually when confronted with these questions I have a stock answer, which is simply that, were I writing for a male audience, of course I would have a great deal more to say about what men should be doing to impress women and improve themselves (and I have much to say on both).
But then I realized: it can only be a constructive and useful exercise to talk about how the best men ought to behave in relationships.
I don’t want to patronize anyone here by assuming you don’t know a good guy from a creep or a selfish a**hole when you see one. But it never hurts to be reminded of the standard of treatment you should expect from any man in a relationship.
I’m very particular about the close male friends with whom I keep company. And I’ve realized the ones I truly respect, that is, those I would recommend to women as great boyfriend material, all share certain traits in common.
So, from my experience, here are the sure signs you’re dating a high-value guy:
He cares about seeing you play at your best
A great guy has no interest in seeing you scale back your ambitions so that he can feel good about himself.
On the contrary, he loves to see you flourish. For him, supporting your success only means more excitement and adventure. He loves seeing what you make of your life and cares about protecting your dreams.
In short, the high-value guy lives to see you playing at an extraordinary level.
He isn’t afraid of you over-taking him
Guys worth dating aren’t fussed about out-earning you or worried about who is further ahead in their career.
He won’t get insecure because you happen to be a lawyer or have a PhD, nor will he fret about your substantial paycheck. He doesn’t measure his life in competition with yours, because (would you believe it?) he has self-esteem and measures his life on more than just achievement.
He wants to provide for you
This one might seem like it immediately invalidates the previous point, but it doesn’t.
Here’s why: Even though he’s fine with you over-taking him financially, a high-value guy still wants to be someone who can provide for you in all kinds of ways.
This doesn’t mean he wants to pay for everything, but he’ll work hard to be the kind of man who can protect and serve you, whether by being emotionally strong, financially independent, or by being able to treat you to incredible experiences and indulgent surprises.
He’s turned on by your independence
“Damsel in constant distress” is not sexy to a high-value guy.
A man worth being with delights in seeing you handle your own life (even if he loves to help now and then), and will want to encourage anything that promotes your autonomy and independence.
While every man loves to feel needed, only insecure daddy-type guys seek to acquire importance by seeing you helpless and entirely dependent on them.
He’s responsive to your needs, even if he doesn’t always get them right first time
Ok, he might not know the *exact* words that turn you on most right away, or he might not realise that “quality time” is your love language, or he may not know that handwritten birthday cards make you melt.
But he learns. And responds when he drops the ball and gets it wrong.
The best guy isn’t a mind-reader, but he is an expert at following the signs if you make them clear enough.
Just enjoy it (and for god’s sake let him know how happy his effort makes you – positive reinforcement works!). Showing him that you notice and appreciate his listening skills is the best way to get more of it.
He doesn’t need to be asked twice to come and help you out of a bind
You’re in trouble? You need help with your university paper and want someone to come and read it at 4am the night before submission? You need to be saved from your family?
He’ll jump out of bed and into his car to come and save you before you’ve even put down the phone. He might not like the “damsel in constant distress”, but the “damsel having an occasional freak out” will make him drive all night like a knight riding to save a princess.
He won’t take your crap
Be warned: high-value guys have high expectations. If you’re ok with that, this will only raise your game.
He’s strong, and that means he doesn’t put up with draining people in his life.
He has no interest in indulging complaining and doesn’t have time to waste endlessly going over old problems or moaning about the past.
If you’re being unreasonable, he’ll tell you. To your face. Like a man. In other words, be ready for a guy who will stand up for himself and won’t stand for being walked over.
He takes care of his life with minimal fuss
High value guys limit the amount of time they spend wallowing in self-pity after a setback. They are responsive in the face of failure and spring into action at the sight of problems rather than falling apart.
Of course, he’s still human. And vulnerable. Which is a good thing. So sometimes he’ll need love and reassurance that everything will be ok. But then he’ll be back on his feet and fighting to get a grip again.
When the castle crumbles, he’s the one who starts stacking bricks to rebuild the fortress.
He cares about keeping small promises
In the book The Road by Cormac McCarthy, the son tells his father: “If you break little promises, you’ll break big ones.”
This is essentially the philosophy of a high value guy. It’s his code. He doesn’t feel ok simply shrugging his shoulders when he promised to pick up your shopping on the way home and just forgot. He kicks himself when he promised he’d book that restaurant and it totally slipped his mind.
The idea of not living up to his word is death to him. As it should be for all of us.
Speaking of which…
He chooses his words carefully
A guy who is great relationship material says nothing idly. He doesn’t make empty proclamations of love that he doesn’t feel in his heart.
He won’t say trite phrases or go through the motions if he thinks he’s just using cheap sentiment to soothe you without addressing the real problem.
If he says he adores you, he means it.
He’ll comfort you. He’ll stroke your hair and tell you you’re incredible. But he won’t make everything sound easy or simple when it’s not. Because he cares about big ideas like Truth and Honesty.
He wants to improve without needing to be asked
Great guys are always looking for ways to be better.
He doesn’t want to get healthy because you asked him to, he wants to do it because he takes pride in caring about his body.
He reads books not to show off, but because he takes education seriously.
He seeks adventure not to impress you, but because he wants to grab life and suck up experiences while he’s on this earth.
He seeks success because he wants to fulfil his potential, not because he arbitrarily wants a bigger paycheck.
At his core, he’s self-motivated. That might sometimes mean he tries a bit harder than he needs to, but that’s a much better problem to have than having a lazy man who never makes an effort.
He’ll “grasp nettles”
I stole this one from advertising genius David Ogilvy, who wrote “leaders grasp nettles”.
What Ogilvy meant by this is that leaders in life are willing to do the difficult action that no-one else will. This is the same of any high-value guy. He doesn’t run from the difficult or sensitive conversation. He confronts problems. He makes the difficult phone call.
He doesn’t put off troubles hoping they’ll just blow over. Which is why others respect him and look up to him.
He’ll invest in the relationship without losing himself in it
Maybe it sounds romantic to think of the Edward Cullen obsessive-love type boyfriend, but in the real world a high-value guy is capable of falling loving without obsessing (he can still be passionate and intense, just not in the creepy stalker-esque way vampire romance novels portray it).
Guys who are well-balanced have multiple sources of joy in their world. Friends. Family. Fulfilling work. Because they’ve learnt how to be happy being single first (as I’ve spoken about before).
All of these are important to him, even if eventually you become the most important thing to him.
He listens to what you tell him and responds
As mentioned earlier, high value guys want to make you happy. And this means they listen. They look for clues. They are endlessly curious about you as their partner and want to understand your mind.
You’ll usually see this in the amount of thought he puts into gifts and trips, particularly if it involves things he’s clearly decided based on your previous conversations.
Of course, that does NOT mean he’ll always get it right. Even high-value guys will sometimes get it completely wrong and screw up badly (we have to be realistic, after all). But crucially, he’ll keep trying to fulfil your needs. He’ll remember when he messed up and adjust his behaviour. And if you communicate your standards well, he’ll strive to live up to them.
He has unique pairings
High value guys, like high value women, don’t rely on a single personality trait.
He can be intellectual and deep, but he can also be exciting and totally silly. He’s comfortable being sexual, but he’s also a gentleman and has class. He’s fiercely loyal, but ready to double-down on his principles when his view differs from everyone else’s.
The best people always embody both sides of the coin.
He builds a future with you
The high-value guy who is serious about you will want to make you the strongest team in the world. He’s loyal and wants to find ways to bring you closer together, which means he thinks about the future with you and discusses it openly.
That doesn’t mean he’ll necessarily move quickly, but it does mean he wants to invest in the relationship and make your emotional connection stronger so that he can share his world with you.
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So there it is.
I feel like these traits could go on and on, so I’m fascinated to know what you think I’ve missed or what you might add to this list. Let me know in the comments below!
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Stephen Hussey helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.
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OMG! Th guys actually exist? You mean I don’t have to go to Narnia or Wonderland to find them? That’s great. My standards just went up 500%.
As always with you, young Hussey. Impressed. ;)
The first thought that comes to mind when reading this article is ‘How to find such a guy?’ These guys, of course, exist. I know two of them who satisfy most of the 15 criteria; they are married to people close to me.
Still, this article has practical significance:
1. When our appetite is whetted by this vision of a high-value guy, it motivates us to be a high-value woman.
2. When our men are *mostly* high-value men but are lacking in some key areas, we can gently nudge them towards perfection by making suggestions and praising them for even small achievements.
Thank you, Steve!
Victoria
Victoria, your number 1 resonates with me. I’m looking for a high value guy, but I know I need to step up my game and be the type of woman he would be attracted to.
A guy I knew long time want me to submit to have sex with him. Can’t tell him how I feel about him. Suppose that he want friends with benefits with me. Is that true that he doesn’t like me or want me.
I did think I meet that guy when I went to see him and spent 2 weeks it fell apart and we parted as friends. He said it’s not me but he has issues and when he gets close to anyone he wants run. Not easy to know if anything he said was ever true.
Oh Stephen.
Ive just had a complete break through. In the past, I have not dated or sought out high value men. Thanks for this. I now know what Im looking for and I cant wait to find it.
One trait I would add to this excellent list is that he is willing and able to resolve differences in a mature fashion because he’s committed to making the relationship work. Running away or quitting at the first sign of conflict is the mark of an immature boy, not a mature man. This of course also requires emotional maturity, something that I’ve seen in only a small percentage of men.
I just realised my husband is one of the high value men. Very proud!
And yes ladies, those guys are out there. They may not look like a million buck but when u get the time to know them, u can see these traits.
Wonderful article. I’d add the following:
Honest and walks his talk. Some men will say what you want to hear in order to get what they want. That’s why it’s so important to take it slow and test their actions to see if they match up with their words. Honesty is so crucial and seems to be hard for lots of men. I’d add that women can help by being calm and providing a safe space for men to speak their truth. Honesty can mean telling the truth about something that is uncomfortable to admit. This shows courage and a real man, in my opinion.
he also needs to be a problem solver in relationship, he’s dedicated to the relationship so when he encounters a problem, he’s not seeking to change partner first but to solve problem first.
Excellent point!
Appreciate you writing this! You delivered. There’s also an element of time and timing that is really important here. There are guys who profess love and immediately want to plan a future together, but this isn’t meaningful after the second date- it could even be deceptive. Patience was very difficult for me to learn. I have had quality guys who were over the moon and ready to just dive in. It took me a long time to learn that a high value man wouldn’t rush into a serious relationship. When others were happy to jump right in, this was a distraction making quality men difficult to decipher. High value men go carefully into relationships and know the women they want to date very well.
Also, you said this a few ways, but the biggest thing a high value man does is meet my needs. He anticipates my needs before I realize it. And, I don’t have to tell him if I’m uncomfortable. He looks at me and knows and responds to what I need just reading my body language and expression. This is maybe too picky, and none of my friends have this in their man. But I believe this is how a high value man is and I didn’t know I needed this until I experienced it :)
Hi, Steve. I think that was a great list of good qualities – but not of a high value man, but an extremely exceptional man. I am a happily married woman to a very good man who I am improving over time, but “…will jump into his car at 4 am to read your school paper…” – you have got to be kidding. You and Matthew seem like fine men, but there is one thing neither of you are, and that’s married. You’re thinking, poor woman, she’s so mistaken, I would totally kick ass for my wife when I’m married. Yes, you probably will, but jumping in your car to drive in the middle of the night to read a paper is not one of them! You’ll be more like, “Love, you were aware of the deadline well in advance, and it would be much appreciated if you did not cram in this manner.” If your sweet Mum called your Dad at 4am to read a paper (doesn’t make sense, but let’s say they were sleeping in different locations in this example), he’d be like “bloody hell, you have got to be kidding…”
Being not married doesn’t mean anything. Im not going to argue or anything. Just saying i know this for a fact.
This is a wonderful list of qualities a high value man would have. It helped me to realize that the man I am dating is a quality man. I used it like a checklist and he has these qualities. Thank you for your dating insight on men. I greatly appreciate it.
This list makes me want to cry! Just kidding!
I met a guy who does all of this for me and shows all of these attributes. He trusts me and I trust him, we understand each other, we’re close and talk about very personal things with one another that we don’t tell other people, and he is a friend with benefits. I swear I almost get this feeling he wants more from me, but I’m scared to say anything, because I would rather have him in some way than no way at all. Explain that one for me please? I would love to know. What should I do?
You seem to be underestimating your own value. You deserve to have all your needs must be met just as his do, if you want more then to settle for something less just to keep him doesn’t do either of you any good. If he is the high value man you claim an honest conversation is warranted.
Doesn’t sound like your settling to me. Rather you are both being cautious about “wanting more.” Ask yourself what this more is, and how long you have been together. A high value guy is going to be OK with a conversation about more.
He may be just as nervous as you. Why? I bet he sees you as high value, you sound like his best friend. I cannot tell you how rare that is in a woman. Women believe they know how to listen and be a friend, but to their girlfriends, men can be different. If he is trusting you with his deepest dreams and feelings, that is trust indeed.
I am going to assume “more” is exclusivity, a good way to phrase it is to say you really just want to see him. If it phrased as something you are going to do because of how you feel about him it set a better tone than something like. Let’s be exclusive, or where are we going, or what’s the status of our relationship. Yes these are all questions you want answered, and they will be in the course of the conversation. If he’s high value, he is no fool. He knows that you want to be more formal.
Note, depending on his personality he may already be feeling all those things that make it more, he may just not care about societies labels. Nevertheless, he will care about your feelings on the matter.
Again, if he is a high value guy, he will listen to what more means to you. And you may be surprised he may feel it. And he will listen why a label such as boyfriend-girlfriend is important, or meeting others important in your life (parents, friends) is important to you.
Now if it is marriage or kids, those are big steps that even if he wants them it may not be the time in life to take them. In a high value guy’s mind, if he is still with you when that time comes you are the one he will ask. In fact, he may be taking it slow to see if you are.
This is a wonderful post Stephen, it really “hit the nail on the head”. You drove the points of this post very well and I thank you for taking the time to come up with this. A very valuable tool to use indeed and I am sure you did a lot of work to get this out for our benefit, so again thank you.
“Great guys are always looking for ways to be better.”
Growth is sexy. It shows a human being is looking around(including inside), taking stock, and making moves to adjust accordingly!
Just realize, a high value guy has his own values of what he wants to improve on. It may not be obvious, or even on the outside. It could be an internal way of being and seeing the world. Too often “improving” oneself or “getting better” is code for material things or being someone’s servant.
Awesome article Stephen….as usual..
He does not make a habit of being overly critical or pointing out flaws & weaknesses. Those behaviors don’t bring people closer together