There’s a ridiculously simple principle Matt talks about in his seminars. So simple it seems kind of silly. Naïve even. But it’s actually great.
It goes like this: “Make it a rule only to like guys who like you back. If you can do that, you’ll never go wrong.”
A noticeable balk always ripples through the crowd when they hear this. And I get it. It sounds ridiculous.
After all, attraction isn’t a simple choice right?
We are taught that attraction is a biological reaction in our brain that we can’t control. Attraction is triggered instinctively when someone just inflames our desire and we can’t resist them; it’s like that moment you inhale the popcorn scent in the movie theatre and your brain tells you there’s no way you are getting through the next two hours without a bucket of that sweet buttery goodness in your lap.
Many of us feel we have no control over who we become attracted to, which can often lead to that great generator of humanity’s worst misery and best poetry: Unrequited love.
Unrequited love is when we fall hard in love with someone who don’t love us back. It’s the painful kind of obsession that keeps you awake at night, and sees you spending hours at your laptop obsessively scouring your crush’s Facebook profile praying that they don’t change their status to “in a relationship”, or that makes your stomach convulse at the thought of catching them kissing another person.
But can unrequited love be avoided? Is it really completely out of our control?
It’s perfectly natural to want people who don’t like us back. But some of us choose to actively pursue the situation even when we have received signals that there is no future hope for a relationship. We ignore the signs. Shrug off rejections. Or we see our crush pursuing other people but think “he just needs time to truly notice me, then he’ll fall in love with me”.
Why do we get into this unhealthy fixation and keep pursuing someone who clearly doesn’t want us back?
There are many reasons, all of which can be traced to a lack of confidence, lack of standards, or lack of other important qualities that prevent us from moving on from unhealthy situations.
Unrequited love, like any love, is a complex topic. But here are a few common factors that lead us to pursue a lost cause:
1. You project traits onto someone that they don’t have
This easily happens when we feel in ‘scarcity mode’. We meet someone who ticks a few boxes (i.e. nice, attractive, smart), and over time we fill in the blanks and build a fantasy image of them in which they represent our version of total perfection.
But until you have actually dated a guy and seen how he is romantically, you don’t even truly know him yet.
That vision of perfection you have in your head is completely false. You’ve stopped seeing him as a normal (i.e. flawed) person and begun seeing him as an ideal. This leads you to feel crazy about him and completely overlook the potential negatives he might have.
2. You focus too much on impressing him, instead of whether he meets your needs
Just because a guy seems to have many great qualities: i.e. he’s attractive, funny, kind to his parents, successful and ambitious – does not mean that he is necessarily a great guy for you.
I know many great guys who are still bad boyfriends. It’s important not to put people on a pedestal just because they tick a lot of boxes. He still has a lot more to prove before you could feel love for him.
The classic victim of unrequited love is the person who spends all of their time dreaming up ways to win over the object of their affection, or scheming about how they can find excuses to be alone with him and try to adapt themselves to his likes and dislikes in order to become perfect for him.
In all of this effort though they forget to think about their own needs. They are simply investing and investing. They think if they just push hard enough, they will logically convince the guy to fall for her.
The way to combat this, crazy as it sounds, is the principle we talked about at the start: Like people who actually like you back. Or more specifically: Invest emotionally in people who emotionally invest in you.
This is easier said than done.
It’s hard to get into this mindset initially. But once you do, it’s one of the most powerful mental spaces you can be in. In order to do it you need to have:
(a) A clear picture of all the things you need for your perfect relationship (i.e. real affection, someone who loves you for who you are, someone who reciprocates your devotion and wants to be with you naturally).
(b) A strong sense of what you deserve. Your mindset is this:
I need to be with someone who is crazy about me, who can see what an incredible ‘catch’ I am and who puts in the effort to appreciate and invest in being with me – who shows affection and who recognizes on their own how happy they can be with me in their life.
That should always be our standard for falling in love, instead of just: I really, really, really like this person, even if they barely notice my existence, even if they date other girls while I sit on the sidelines, even if they overlook me and show no romantic interest.
This second mindset is a recipe for massive pain, and indicates low self-esteem, since it shows that we have no standards for what we need from the other person.
If you don’t feel like a catch right now, that’s another issue. It may be a wake-up call that you need to work on other areas of your life in order to feel truly worthy of someone amazing.
3. You are substituting “falling in love” for something missing in your own life
People who frequently fall into unrequited love often hope that their crush will ‘fix’ certain areas lacking in their own life. This is also known as the “wanting to be saved” syndrome – it happens when we latch onto people because they show us attention and perhaps because they embody certain qualities we want in ourselves.
This turns the guy into a symbol. You think: If I have him, I’ll be saved from the dull existence I’m living in now. E.g. you see a guy who has his life together, and envision stability, or you see a guy who has a fun lifestyle and hope that he’ll be able to bring excitement into your dull existence.
When you do this, you are making him responsible for your happiness in life, instead of focusing on bringing your own value to the table.
4. You aren’t confident enough to show romantic interest, so you always fall for people who see you as just a friend
This form of unrequited love comes from those who usually get stuck in the ‘friend zone’ – which is usually symptomatic of a person who lacks confidence at showing romantic desire early on.
This person keeps their desires concealed out of fear of rejection, and then tries to be friends with someone and do what I call the “killing him with closeness” approach, hoping that more and more time spent together will magically transform into love.
To fix this, we need to become more comfortable with expressing our romantic and sexual desires early on and flirting in a non-needy way. (There’s more of this in the Get The Guy book for those who have a copy – check out the chapter “Stuck In The Friend Trap”).
5. You are unable to accept rejection
Finally, some people pine over romantic interests because they can’t take no for an answer. This is usually a result of low self-esteem, and indicates an inability to deal maturely with the fact that someone doesn’t return our affection.
We become dedicated to changing our crush’s mind, making them a project to win over, instead of moving on in a healthy way and finding someone who does like us for who we are.
The only solution to this final one is to create a bigger purpose in our lives than being liked, and to know when to cut our losses and find someone else. Remember: Added time and effort will never change someone’s mind romantically once it has been made up.
This is a complex subject, and the issues linked to unrequited love run wide and deep into many different areas of the human psyche. The important thing to takeaway is this: Although attraction isn’t always a choice, pursuing a lost cause is definitely a choice, and we can always choose to move on and begin the process of healing and getting our sanity back.
There is often a crucial moment when we can choose whether to emotionally over-invest in a losing situation, or to move forward, take the short-term pain, and find someone who actually reciprocates our feelings.
If in doubt, turn to Alice Hoffman’s sobering words:
“Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs.”
I think Hoffman’s quote is too narrow. All forms of love lead us to act like suckers and maniacs at some point.
But at the very least, when we find healthy, reciprocal love with someone who shares our feelings, we get to enjoy the madness who feels the same.
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Photo credit: Sarah Horrigan
I really liked this article. I tend to think unrequited love is romanticized by people who (1) fail to realize a relationship can be a rollercoaster ride even when both parties love each other; (2) choose to pursue the unattainable and accept the role of unloved victim; and (3) have a tendency to believe the burden of loving more is worse than receiving such unwanted affection. In reality, suffering or claiming to suffer from unrequited love is remarkably self-indulgent. You’re not emphasizing your passion for someone, which should bring some modicum of pleasure, but the futility of your generosity. It’s as if you believe your emotions entitle you to sympathy and affection, even when your attention is uninvited. Instead of taking responsibility for your own feelings, you force that burden on someone else who is not in a position to make you happy. After all, the source of your suffering is not really unrequited love, but a void you created. The world is filled with people who don’t love or know you, but you chose to elevate one person above all others and base you entire wellbeing on their existence. For most, this is a terrifying responsibility, and you can’t blame someone for shying away from a love that demands so much in return.
This was so incredibly on point and helped open my eyes. Thank you so much.
I am really struggling with this right now.
All I can think about with a recent situation is how I am bad and made him go away.
Met a guy online, had an amazing first date – he asks me out again. We have a second date, where he ends by asking me out for the next weekend, with us leaving it that he would let me know when he was free. I was going to be in Mexico for work, and he had some up in the air travel plans.
He never called, so I asked for an exit interview, with clarity it was for self awareness, and he shocked me when he said – he had hoped to hear from me and he wanted something mutual. So I was shocked and asked if he had a misunderstanding. So we had another date. A fun one, and in the spirit of mutual, I texted him the next day saying the night was perfect. He responded with a similar sentiment – I said catch you later, and then he disappeared.
So I am left feeling very confused and feeling like he thought I was not sophisticated enough, was not feminine, was too direct and a whole list of things. And since I have already done an exit interview I cannot do another.
Then of course, I am also not paying attention to the feeling that I got that his life is not settled (bought a condo, renovated it, and then sold it in 6 months because his view of his life in that condo was not what he expected), had an alcoholic ex-girlfriend that supposedly ended in February, but is saying he is just getting his head sorted out, that they don’t talk anymore (but broke up 10 months ago) and said she is needy in present tense.
I know I should not like this person, and he has flaked on me twice and in fact, blamed one of those times on me, but I still feel like had I just contacted him when I was away, everything would be fine.
How do we deal with men who turn things on you like this?
I needed it put on words and that is it…. So crazy . Thanks for giving a definitionto my. Lack of love life.
Well a guy that friend zoned me would be out of my life so fast he wouldn’t have time to tell me if he has a girlfriend or not so I don’t really have that problem since I have hardly any guy friends I had more in high school but I ended those friendships because they didn’t know anything about women
I liked a guy once. I’m no fool; I know it wasn’t love. But sometimes I think I must have really liked him. What does it say when you like someone you barely exist to? Someone you barely know? Crush, maybe. Maybe I needed to like him to figure out what I really want. He represented everything that I didn’t know I wanted: care, intelligence, loyalty, reliability. Maybe in the end it was as simple as liking someone who was kind to me; maybe I’m that pathetic. I hadn’t expected someone so young in charge when I went to volunteer at Oxfam. I walked in ready to be greeted by an old, short Dundonian with chapped skin. But there he was, a 24-year-old Postgrad. A genuine smile. As the cliché goes, he put me at ease. I spent most of my first shift talking about Uni and music and Philosophy. I can’t remember exactly when, but in some deep sleep I dreamt we were chatting away as we’d done. I dreamt that I instinctively placed my hand behind me and into his palm as we walked up some imaginary stairs…my heart soared. And then I woke up. I learned he liked Ray Charles and Placebo and read Nietzsche… I learned he was in a long term relationship with a girl I can only describe as tiny and sweet – and German – impossibly cute. After some Halloween party in first year they’d got together, graduated together, lived together. And so it goes. So I listened to only the most empowering songs on my way to Oxfam (thinking Gloria Gaynor might assist me) and of course fell powerless as soon as he greeted me. I spent a lot of time in the basement. I even tried reminding myself he had a ponytail. Isolated and cold downstairs, I felt I wanted to be around him; that I would give anything to have a conversation that didn’t involve the interruption of breaking cardboard, for him to see me and not blundering Zoe with her nerves and sadness. Some days it got the best of me. I was elusive and quiet until the ‘See you next week!’ He spoke in platitudes that made me grin: ‘Wicked cool’ was a favourite. I settled for being his friend. Even when I came in to find him hunched over the desk, broad shoulders aligned, with an army green shirt; that perfectly dark green that clung to his arms and chest, I was his friend. But friends make plans to go out with friends, and we never did. Friends text back. He never did. This left many gaps. What were his family like? What was his favourite drink? Did he just not want to be my friend? One day, after a particularly harrowing night, I was visibly upset. Pale. Down. All it took was for him to wave a hilariously titled-vinyl in my face, for us to share a giggle, and I was lit up. Then I was OK. Then my sister/ best friend lost her baby. Then I left for summer. Then my ex and my friend got together, my dad had a breakdown, and I, for once in my life, drank to not feel it anymore. Then I was a bit more Ok again. He didn’t enter my thoughts every day. He never entered my thoughts at all. Until I learned he had moved to England with his girl.
Well that’s all good and wonderful, but what if you know the person very well, are otherwise very happy person (happy with your life, with your friendships, with your job, with everything), sexually and romantically confident, know exactly what you want and realize that this person meets your emotional and psychological needs in a way that no one you’ve ever dated has done? And the guy is in a happy relationship and you’re still madly in love with him without any chance of getting to be with him? What then, eh?
I hate it when everyone tells you to “move on.” Move on to what? Fine when you’re in your 20s or 30s and there are plenty of men out therr, but after you turn 40 then a woman falls off the face of the earth as far as men are concerned! Then moving on means only one thing: prepare for a life of loneliness.
You are absolutely ridiculous. Areven you living in the stone ages? Get a makeover, and get your butt out there. You’re using a cliché to back up your fear of getting hurt again.
One more thing: if someone is in unrequited love, show compassion. Don’t judge or play amateur psychologist. To them it’s very real and who is an outsider to say it’s not?
Thank you so much for this. I am in high school and I have been in love with a boy for over two years. We sit next to each other in chemistry lessons and he is so funny and kind to me. I always feel bad about asking him out because now I feels guilty that he doesn’t feel the same way about me, but we are still good friends. I feel like it’s my fault that he feels guilty and people sometimes tease him about me. I’ve always wished I could just fall out of love with him so I could free him from that burden.
Amazing article! So many papers explain the things we do but hardly any talk about why or how to handle certain emotions. So helpful. Ever since the death of my mother I’ve had low self esteem and have been guilty of trying every trick in the book to get people to like me. It’s so refreshing to read this article. I feel like I have a chance now…. I don’t have to keep being an option / a doormat.
Thanks
Ps I’ve been to one of your seminars in London, saw all your family. They must be so proud ☺️
Like only guys who like you back. Ehat if there are none? I go for YEARS between men. Its like once i turned 5, i fell off the earth or something . Not easy for an older black woman to find love when men either ignore you or say they just want to be friends, or they act offended that you would even dare to approach them. It makes me feel ugly and worthless. Like I have failed in the one thing any woman should be able to do: attract and keep a man. The last “unrequited” was the first guy to approach me in 5 years. He’s left me no other choice but to move on, but move on to what? More years of abysmal loneliness with no prospects whatsoever? Yes, I have a good job, friends, family including wonderful grandchildren but nothing can replace the kind of love only a boyfriend or husband can give. I’m still lonely in that respect and I don’t like it.
Great article. Great comments.
Comparable to my own story.
I met a superstar and I experienced a lighting love bolt that sizzled throughout my whole body. I was hooked.
He also told me he just loved me so much that he wanted to make me his Queen as he believes Im his true wife, his soul mate and that it would pleade him to can help me with my works.
I spent 7 days with him. We never kissed or held hands except a platonic hug when I left. Just spend time doing things we both love. And soeaking. He was all I ever dreamt of in a King. Kind. Loving. Patient. Truthful. Powerful. Strong. Wise. Wealthy. Famous. A man of Faith.
I was on fire. I held on to his words. I was sure he felt the same fire.
I went back home in a different continent. I started buying all his records. I prepared myself to be married to a superstar.
I sent him 37 long pathetic heart pouring emails but he replied only 7 emails short and usually one sentence and sometimes one word emails.
I send him 27 texts. He replied once “who is this?”
I called him everyday for 27 days. He answered only 7 of my calls and He never retirned any of my missed calls. He never called me on his own initiative. Not once. Despite him always promising to call me whenever we talked if he answered my calls.
And one day He sounded so tired. He was sighing. He was cold to me. Almost rude. He sounded irritated or uninterested in me or talking to me. I was taken aback. Worse at the end of the call he demanded I keep calling and texting him.
I said “OK. Bye”.
I pulled over on the side of the road and cried. And cried. And cried.
Felt like my heart was breaking into a thousand pieces as I realised that this love was one sided and this relationship was not going to happen.
I made up my mind not to call him ever again. I decided to spend 27 days investing in myself to compensate for the 27 days of my investing in him and making a fool of myself.
Im a true believer in liking only those that like me. And stopping to like those who dont see my value.
All allong I was going full steam not realising this was unrequited love cos I believed him when he said he loved me.
I made excuses for his no communication or his not answering my calls or emails or texts cos I thought would never get another opportunity to be loved by a superstar.
But as soon as he showed me explicit lack of interest I could shut down. So that rule helped me self regulate my actions.
And he never called.
Today is day 77 and I finished the 27 day investment in self. Left me feeling that I used his not returning of my love to develop self.
So 27 days pinning for him was balanced by 27 days investment in self development that stopped my downspiral.
This success enabled me take another 27 days to celebrate the love bolt I felt (since it was unique) and acknowledge the love force that changed my life. Now I am grateful to have met him; shared 7 days with him and experiencing the thrill of being proposed (albeit fake) by a superstar.
I laughed and laughed and laughed. Im healed.
In those last 27 days I wrote a small book called “77 days” which records my 27 day journey to the hell called unrequited love and how the principle of ” loving only those who love me” helped me come back quick from hell and actually learn to appreciate the experience.
All in all the whole roller coaster took 77 days.
Amazing article. Do you think this applies for guys as well. Should guys only like girls who like us back.
Although this has been directly aimed at women and how to get the guy can you create some content for the guys as well.
Keep
Up the amazing content!
I tought you were talking about someone attracted to us and we just don’t like back (just like my ex BF)
But is important as well…
Thank you so much for this! Amazing article!
Hey there Great article
Great articlehave a question for a friend who has gone in depression. As she lines a guy as a teenager he always insulted her never valued her. He married his girl friend had a child and she seen him he knew she liked him and he couldn’t still like her back or be friends as they never even had a friendship.
She got hai number to ask about the baby and he kept telling her to call back Qhen she called back he had an argument with her told her never to call back.
He told her friend she will call and never did for 20 years
The two of them bumped into the train as she was at the door he stepped in it was a shocking moment for the two to meet after 20 years. It was a ghost relationship they didn’t even say hello. Di e one cannot force one to like but people can be civil to each other and to appreciate her love.
She is heart broken how can she ever get over such an un caring and thoughtless person?
So how do you move past this if you have the low self-esteem depression and anxiety all wrapped into one. I’ve been doing this over and over for the past 5 years. And can’t seem to break the cycle. even though I’ve tried about a dozen times. im still no where with him and ive seen all the signs he doesnt want me around. Yet he gives that little bit to hold me there. not enough but just enough. please help.
Stephen,
This is an excellent explanation of how we act when we love someone who does not treat us with the respect we deserve. They “say” they love us and want to be with us forever, but treat us horribly. It’s very difficult to break away from these people when they will not accept the breakup. They try to make you believe that you somehow are at fault. That what they are doing is ‘normal’ when it is cheating. This is a form of emotional abuse and it wears you down, tears away at your self esteem and starts to make you feel like you don’t have any other options when in reality we all have a lot of options. This is an absolute miserable way to live. God bless anyone in this position and give them strength to break away.
So true, every point you made.
I find that these days were are all encouraged to try harder at everything when things don’t go our way and love seems to be no exception. We live in a society where giving up is a sign of weakness and so we try and try. I strongly believe that letting go and moving on is a part of life as much as trying harder is. Otherwise you can dedicate your entire life chasing after something that was never meant to be to begin with.
Having said that I do feel bad for those who get caught up in this nightmare.