5 Signs You’re Dating a Toxic Person

There are many dangerous qualities of a toxic person, but the worst one of all may be their deceptiveness.

They can be so subtle in their manipulation, you may not even realize what they’re doing to you, until you’re in too deep and they’ve completely eroded your confidence.

I’m not going to let that happen to you.

In today’s video, I take you through the 5 signs you’re dating a toxic person so you know exactly what to watch out for…

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

330 Responses to 5 Signs You’re Dating a Toxic Person

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  1. Krista says:

    A sixth sign (for me at least) would be that you notice you’re doing things to please them, to prove that you are actually “worthy” of them.

  2. songbird says:

    Hey Matthew.. I see some of the things in myself and both my family and friends.:
    I wish you would make a video about how i, myself Can chance that in me and in others because i’m really not good at these situations…

  3. Brenda says:

    Hi Matt,
    Toxic people are still people, they’re just really insecure. And everyone has insecurities but not all have the skills to process them. I can’t be running away from everyone who’s insecure, they’re my friends families and people around me, they have good qualities too.
    Is there another way to spread positivity without getting too damaged by the toxicity in this world?

  4. Erin says:

    GREAT video, Matt. My ex did all of what you described, and I keep getting confirmation (like your video) that I am lucky to be away from that person.

    I also really like how you keep providing advice and examples of what a healthy relationship looks like so that all of your followers can seek those healthy qualities and not tolerate the unhealthy ones.

  5. Anastasia says:

    Matt,

    Thank you so much for the video. I appreciate how you delivered a very real message that needed to get said. Your videos have touched me and made me believe what I’ve always known I had inside. I am quite sure there are many women who share my sentiment.

  6. Brittany Bexton says:

    I really appreciated this video. When I was 20, I got involved with someone who seemed wonderful at first. 5 years and many ups and downs later, and I realized how toxic it was. It’s amazing how much subtle manipulative comments over time can totally erode the worth you feel for yourself in relationship. What you feel like you even have a right to bring up or ask for. I am still trying to figure out how to be healthy in a relationship. How to share my wants, needs, and desires in a healthy manner, and it’s hard. When you’ve been conditioned to be beaten (verbally) every time you try to share it becomes paralyzing to share those things. I’m trying to learn over time how to do this in a healthy manner. The challenge is, if I move far enough with a guy to get to this point, its because I really care. I feel like I’ve undermined a couple relationships at this point by not healthily expressing myself. Simply because I didn’t know how.

  7. Bibi says:

    Matthew,
    Great work you are doing on creating an awareness on human behavior.

    I have invested a lot over the years on personal development programs and I just purchased IMPACT a couple months back. I am still finishing up the courses and really have found a shift in the way I connect with people. All very positive.

    I used to follow a coach called Tony Robbins but I would say a lot of what you share is much deeper than that. We are social beings and you teach women and men how to better understand the dynamics, appreciate them for what they are, and work best within those states.

    Amazing. Love IMPACT and looking forward to going to the Orlando live event on April 18th!! You are really spearheading our ability to unleash the power within at a deeper level ;) …thankyou.

    • Kiraz says:

      I agree, Bibi. I watched two Tony Robins videos only after Matthew mentioned him in one of his videos a while ago. I couldn’t finish watching them, he couldn’t keep my attention for long. He stretches a simple idea with too many words and unnecessary talking. Matthew, on the other hand, is very articulate. I can listen to him for hours without getting bored, he doesn’t say anything unnecessary. So yeah, I am team Matthew! :-P :) xx

  8. Lorraine says:

    Oh so true Matthew. Bee married for 21 years have 2 teenage children & you just described my husband – he is always right and others always wrong and plays the “blame game” too often. I always justified his behaviour as he was insecure but allowed him to belittle me and sap my confidence. I read recently “Co dependent no more” by Melanie Beattie, really related to it but did a lot of self awareness and counselling. Only recently realised I was a victim and allowed him to treat me this way. I say “enough is enough and I deserve more” and deserve to give more to someone who wants to receive my support, encouragement and commitment. Seriously considering divorce (not lightly I have to say), even asked him to go couples couselling, talk to see if we can resolve things but I always get the same slap in the face. I’ve tried everything to keep this together but realise I can only change myself. He has to change himself and he’s the only one who can unfortunately. Thanks again, much love…..

  9. Jennifer says:

    Matt, Like many of your video’s, you are on point. I have a sibling like this and for that reason I have implemented boundaries to allow extremely limited interaction. Over the years, I have also had a few bosses who are toxic in some of the ways you mention. Breaking that pattern is difficult. Is there a way to identify these behaviors in the interview process of a job? It seems in dating, I can generally spot the behaviors quite early, so I know some of the patterns are at the least, shaken up.
    God bless, Jennifer

  10. Romsie says:

    Are all men over the age of 40 addicted to online dating?!? Is there any hope with these guys?!? There seems to be this strange paradigm where the more amazing you are, the more confident they feel about finding another/more amazing women just like you. When they are confronted they break down and make promises they can’t keep. Please help me understand, Matt!!!

    • candice says:

      these are men that had low self esteem because they were not successful with women on the first place. So they get an ego boost and go out there to get more ego boosts. Best thing to do with those men is to let them go and watch them fail from a distance.
      They are very amusing xx

  11. Donna says:

    I was in a 10 year marriage, actually incarceration, with a toxic person. Then went on to have three more damaging relationships with toxic characters. Thankfully I learned the signs and I’ve finally broken the cycle. I wish I’d seen this video 20 years ago! Though, what I’ve been through has made me the life coach that I am today. So it’s all good :)
    Great video Mathew. Will share on facebook…

  12. Kerrie says:

    omg I have been in an eight year relationship and you have just described my partner to a tee. I am so drained and it has really made me step away now after seeing this I really see what has been going on.

  13. candice says:

    Matt,
    From my experience most toxic people give you signs much earlier than the stages that you can notice those things you mention.
    For example in dating, I can spot a toxic person since the first few conversations. A manipulator would try to plant the idea of marrying him or having children with him without even knowing him. I had at least three men doing that to me. The first one was proved he had a history of domestic violence, the other one was a player/womaniser and the third one was an obsessed crazy person.
    An indicative sign for the first stages is usually a super inflated ego. People like this tend to be superficially charming on the initial stages.
    Another red flag is someone that is too agreeable in the first stages. There is a high possibility this person is passive/aggressive.
    Anyone that gets clingy too soon and expects you spend all of your time with them can be a toxic person too.

    In work and family usually you get signs from the unrealistically high expectations they have from you. No matter how hard you try you’ll never reach the ideal they want you to reach. So you have to try harder, explain yourself a lot and do all the heavy work while they do almost nothing . There is an imbalance of effort and investment in the relationship.
    These are some of the things that alert me as a person when I am interacting with someone. My way of dealing with these attitudes is to try and see behind their actions. What are their intentions each time? I react or not react according to this. I know what I want and I know what I want to achieve. I usually see what are my options and where it could lead me each move and chose accordingly.
    Some people might say the best thing to do is to remove yourself from the situation. That’s not always possible. I agree it is best avoiding all drama if you can but if you can’t you can eliminate the exposure to the person and be aware of how to maintain your boundaries.

  14. Jenkins says:

    I can identify with what you have said from a long term past relationship, marriage and friendship. I have even come across people like this at work and in sports. Such individuals are prone to be violent, verbally aggressive, emotionally abusive, belittling, controlling and anything else you care to imagine. Get rid of such an individual in your life. That includes leaving your job and for me I left a sports club and relationships. Don’t be afraid.
    Matt your videos are so to the point thanks for your affirmation.

  15. Ange says:

    Dear Matt,

    I just watched your video and although these are no news to me the video has been a light, a relief… I’m not crazy!!!

    I can’t run in this case, not as I would like to at least! That toxic person is my mother. (I’ve seen in some comments I’m not alone!) I did run away from my parents house years ago but life has taken me back for a few months now…Is being hard but also is helping me to heal wounds. Now that I can see clearer what’s going on in this house I can try to “protect” myself but what really worries me are these two things:

    – I have 5 brothers younger than me at home, the youngest is 12 years old. If I simply run… don’t you think that he could ask me (and the rest of us) in some years from now why if we knew what was happening we “left him behind”? Because this kind of relationship produce so many wounds, I know it!! And even more if the toxic person is someone you respect, someone that has authority over you.

    – This toxic person is not a random person I happened to meet, this person brought me to life, to this world… she has given me so many good things too! Is there ANY way to make this kind of people to see reality as it is so they can change?

    I really appreciate that you share all your wisdom with us Matthew! I wish you the very best in life!

    • Tasha says:

      Ange,

      I totally get what you are saying. My toxic person is my sister. I like you can’t just walk away, my heart won’t let me, the bond of family is strong. My sister has two kids – one of whom is just 11. What would I say to that little girl in the future if I walked away from her. Sometimes you have to stay and be the better person.
      Ange – the best way to counteract the toxicity is to surround yourself with amazing friends – not dozens, just two or three real, solid, true, call any time of day or night, friends. They will help you neutralise the toxcity. Trust me I have built strong friendships with just a handful of men and women (none of them are my boyfriend) and they are my total lifeline when it comes to my toxic relationship. They are my confidants and each has there own place in my world.
      I wish you luck

  16. Kasia_R says:

    Matthew ! A very thought-provoking lecture ; ) A wonderful choice of vocabulary, by the way.

    Take a good care of yourself and thank you ; )

  17. Icecat says:

    Your so correct, this happened over my long marriage , my family mentioned some of the things they noticed in me but I put it down to maturing and adapting to marriage , confidence, me going out (any reason for an argument ), even a little one to put me in wrong frame of mind for going out , manipulation in my opinions ,didn’t want to talk about certain stuff as he always saw the bad side of things, I was an optimist , he was a pessimist , and his vanity went into overdrive (I thought it was midlife crisis) , so did my lawyer, but hey we all go through mid life crisis but we don’t all cheat with someone young enough to be your daughter and a couple of yrs older than your actual daughter. Finding yourself again is hard after 24 yrs , but trying

  18. Hager says:

    well, I agree .. but can’t these toxic guys be treated .
    I mean am not gonna just leave him because of his poison our love is much stronger
    but what if he comes to be toxic .. how can I treat that .. should I crush him to show him how it’s annoying .. or should I be soft with him ( as am afraid that he gets more toxic if he takes more motions from me ) … there are many questions to be asked . But what am I supposed to do when I find iut that he is toxic ?

  19. Chez says:

    Great video!! All the signs reminded me of an ex I – I left him. I assumed he was a control freak with isssuessss but from reading this, I’m thinking “hmmmm….he was toxic!”.
    Tall, good looking and seemed lovely..but he was very quick to want to go exclusive. I went with it – he was fun and great company. But a few months in it was like I was with a different person…started criticising me which led to arguments. I’d tell him “I don’t like what you said” and he’d get angry. I’m far from perfect but he was something else.

    The Classic and I giggle about it now was his “babe…babe what is going on!! (Ultra serious face!!) all the cutlery has water stains on it. Your standards aren’t as high as before!” Comment. I was flabbergasted – I just looked him and said “you have issues!! Water stains…really?!” Then walked off, all very calmly. But that was just one of a whole list of criticism – some of it much more cutting. For instance, I’m a size 10 and he told me I was putting on too much weight – I eat well, workout, I look great. Anyway, it was clear I was dating a Control Freak or from this video a Toxic Person.

    I think the relationship lasted 6/7months. I was a bit chicken in regards re ending it….but I was a bit concerned he might fip out. I did it via email – it also gave me the opportunity to list all his criticism and advise him to go find his perfect woman lol!!! He did all the “I will change” stuff but we know that’s nonsense – he’d shown me who he was and I decided I really didn’t like him. On to the next one…:-)

    • Aidet says:

      Completely agree. My guy did the same thing. Wanted to be exclusive within 2 weeks. Went off the deep end because I felt it was too early. Tried to move in with me within 2 months. Later accused me of not being up to my usual standards. And I’m like “dude you’re a drain, I need time away from you(him) to refresh and reset. ” He then tried to ” work it out” a move that failed before it started due to his toxicity. He got mad over my running late and having to adjust plans after I went for a hair appointment that had been overbooked by the stylist. Naturally, this was my fault because I picked the stylist. At that point it was clear the relationship was toxic and pointless. Never been happier to be out of a relationship

  20. Madalina says:

    I was in such a relationship for 3 years and EVERYTHING that you just mentioned happened to me. It was like you were talking about my relationship… my ex, he is a scorpion, and the moment you gave the example with the Scorpio, I was “Oh, wow ! This is the message for me!”. So, anyway, after 3 years of going through such an experience, we came to an end. It took me one year to get out all of the anger and frustrations that have built withing me, I learned how to swim, went to gym, started going to different courses and workshops and finally I got back my strength, my personality and the faith in myself. I can even say that this bad experience, though I loved this guy a lot and I tried all my best, in the end, it gave a huge gift: my confidence and the way I trust myself nowadays are of a higher quality than they were before. Thank you for your videos ! Your work is of a great help and I hope to see you in Europe as well.

  21. Sara says:

    Thanks Matt, You are an amazing personal coach for an all round view of life situations and the best I have come across. I am friends with a ladies man and am not sure about him. Not sure if he is toxic or not. Known him for about a year and still have not got fully physically intimate with him ha. And yet he and I are still friends. I have a few other male friends but sitting on the fence (yes, in the the nunnery at mo) as am busy setting up my own business and getting into a good personal space. That aside. I love your programmes and your attitude and approach and the work you have done in your life shines through. Thanks so much. Sara

  22. Emily says:

    Super thankful to be out of a toxic–and even violent–relationship that ended recently. You’re 5 signs were on point.

  23. Fauve says:

    Thank you for this video especially today.

  24. Vikki says:

    Excellent video . Very interesting and informative .
    The dynamics of relationships that become toxic can range from subtle to extremely obvious . This guideline is helpful to pinpoint some if the typically key manipulative behaviors stemming from insecurity that create toxic interactions . They aren’t always easy to pick when you’re caught in the middle of such a situation . It can be very confusing ! Sadly the person being toxic isn’t helping themselves either in the long run . So awareness is vital in being able to register what’s really going on and possibly communicate and change habits if we wish to move forward and grow beyond these patterns of behaving to get needs met . Or at least to recognize if toxicity is happening and is out of control and remove ourself !
    I have experienced these things in past relationships , and also aim to be aware of my own behaviour and motivations . I know my ex definitely had a huge impact on me in some very negative ways by his methods of dealing with his insecurities . And possibly so did I ? Perhaps in my retaliation to his behaviors due to my confusion . That’s why I love this information and how it can our hour eyes to what’s really going on .
    I also feel we achieved some great energy , my ex and I , and supported growth for each other at times as well . The fact that we’re all imperfect and carry our own luggage and wounds is very relevant , and vital to acknowledge . It’s how we choose to deal with those challenges and our underlying motivations and goals to work , as you say as a healing team , for strength and development , that matter .
    All very helpful Matt . Thank you !

  25. Kalee says:

    Thank you for this Matt. This was actually probably the hardest video of yours to watch. I have known for quite some time that a certain person in my life is toxic. It didn’t quite hit me until your event in NYC. When we got Near the end of the event and you had us all close our eyes and think of the one person we needed to let go of, I just started crying. And now after watching this video, this person is identical to three of the things you listed. I could go on, but it only gets harder for me, so I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being there and thank you for caring. Xoxo

  26. Cathy says:

    Wow, Matt. Awesome video!! That is my ex to a T. I hope this video reaches many women, so they can learn the signs more quickly than I did. You are right, when you live with it all the time it is easy to lose your frame of reference and think there might be merit in what the other person is saying. I spent way too much time trying to prove to him I was not the terrible person he said I was. Now I understand that was how he manipulated me to keep me engaged.

  27. Darci says:

    Hi Matt,

    This was a good video and I feel it went along with the 11 signs you are dating a narcissist. Unfortunately, my ex-husband matches all 5 signs of a toxic person and 11 signs that he is a narcissist. However, I did not realize he was all these things until this last year. I was not aware of all these things that he did until I started putting things together this last year and started thinking back to our last 11 years together. We dated for 5 years and we were married for 6 years. Six months after we had our first child I caught him cheating on me and I was willing to work on it and he said he would try but he did not. He told me that everything was all my fault and stupidly I believed it because he is a master manipulator. Finally, this last year I realized that the destruction of my marriage was not all my fault. And I’m finally starting to heal and I am now trying to take all the steps I can to NEVER be with a person like him again. So, most of these articles are exactly what I need to see the warning signs first! So thank you! :)

  28. Helene says:

    Dearest Matthew, thank you again and again for keeping us sane in an area of life were we are so much in the dark usually, you are indeed a genius and a wonderful person for untangling so much of the web we unknowingly tangle.

  29. Goldberry says:

    Thank you for posting this, Matt. It will help a lot of people. My father is toxic. I didn’t realize it but for years I kept men at a distance because I didn’t want to go through that again – even though on a conscious level I was looking for love with someone who wasn’t like that. Now it’s easier for me to appreciate men and open up to them. Recently I dated a guy who seemed great at first, and then – POP – out came the inner guy, just like my father. That was a real shocker. I have been getting help to find out how to keep this from happening again. It turns out we are attracted to these people if it’s what we’re used to, even if we are trying to avoid it. For one thing, I will try to be sure that the guy is able to give emotionally and really appreciates my qualities and successes, before getting too hopeful.

  30. Carrie Reimer says:

    Excellent advice. I could especially relate to the part about it affecting your self confidence. I spent 10 years in an abusive relationship and never had a problem with low self esteem or being independent but the constant criticism and blame shifting wears you down. After 10 years I was a shell of the woman I had been when I met him. I did leave but it took years to cover.

  31. Maria says:

    PERFECT timing for this video. Thanks Matt!!!

  32. Ria says:

    I liked this video on toxic relations. I am still not clear if it is my mistake or am I seeing somebody who needs to change me. Need some help.
    Thanks

  33. Val Vosipova says:

    Thank you for posting this. The toxic person in my life wasn’t someone I was dating it was actually someone who was a friend. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize what was happening until it was too late. Even now this person emails, texts, and calls me through multiple numbers and refuses to leave me alone. The toxic friendship turned into something far worse.

  34. dee says:

    Thank you for that bit of advice. I was dating a man who was toxic, and I decided my happiness was more important that staying in the relationship. Thank you again for your time and insight on a toxic person. Can’t wait for your next video.

  35. Abigail says:

    I enjoyed your explanation of toxic signs in ppl.
    It showed me where I have been behaving irrationally as well as putting up
    With behavior from a person in my life that I should not.
    Thanks!

  36. Victoria Cook says:

    Hi Matt,
    Thanks for making that video! I almost wanna cry with relief! For the last year I’ve been dating someone who is just like all five of those signs, to either lesser or greater degrees of course! Through watching and reading your stuff I have re-learnt about the dating game etc but, when it comes to dealing with someone who makes you feel inferior then that’s a different ball game! The relationship is now over ( I was told to leave while we were out one night, without explanation) the lead up was everything was my fault and when I tried to find a solution he would shut off then I would be punished by him ignoring me. Thanks again, it’s helped me decide what I’m not willing to put up with. X

  37. Mandy says:

    Hello Matthew,

    Great video this week. I can related to this situation. How do you deal with a toxic person who is not a boyfriend but a family member? The toxic person in my life is my dad. As you were going through all 5 point of what makes a toxic person, I have noted that my dad fits perfectly in each point. For years now I have been trying different ways to deal with my dad since he is so negative about everything. I tried everything from distancing myself from him, ignoring him, or even trying to relate to him. Nothing has worked, and I am at a point that I don’t want him part of my life.

    I would love to hear your point of view of how to deal with a toxic person differently. If you ask anyone that I know they will say to you that I am a very positive person. If I walk into a room where my dad is, he literally sucks the positivity out of the room. I believe this has effected me with my relationships with men, and I don’t want it to affect me anymore.

    When you are in a relationship you can always break up with a toxic person and leave them. It’s harder to do that when its your own dad unless there is a better way to distance yourself from him. I would love to hear you advice.

    Thanks Matthew, and have a lovely week.

    Best regards,

    Mandy

  38. Tiffany says:

    Thank you so much, i really appreciate it for the video, it really helps me understand more what is out there in this world

  39. Leanne says:

    I am married to a toxic person (but thankfully we’ve been separated now for over a year and we aren’t getting back together). The scary thing about watching your video, is that living with a liar for 12 years turned me into a toxic person. Even though all of our problems started with his lying, I then reacted badly to his his behaviour and he managed to turn it around into me being a nasty person. I’m opinionated and principled, but I am not a nasty person by default. His behaviour and reaction to my reaction turned me into a nasty person. I didn’t want to be nasty, but I felt backed into a corner by his lies and had no where else to go but being nasty (at the time I thought so). I now see that I do have a choice, and in hindsight, I should have kicked his sorry ass out many, many years ago. But I’m free now! :D

  40. Katherine says:

    You have just described my soon to be ex husband…This is how people get brainwashed isn’t it?

  41. Claire says:

    Dear Matthew,

    Thank you for your video which I think, is absolutely essential to helping people being aware there ARE people like that, and they DO exist. And that really, they can break your heart or even make you think you will lose your mind.

    First of all, I am French so I apologize in advance for my possible mistakes in English :P

    I have known an italian boy who was one of my housemates when I used to study for a year in London. We very soon felt attracted to each other, and he did everything to make me fall for him: inviting me to watch a movie in his room after a few days in the house, multiplying attentions, conversations and smiles for me to open myself to him. He even came and knocked at my door sometimes, to ask if I needed any help for anything, when I was unpacking my luggage. So at first, I just understood he had a crush on me or was only flirting, and I found it very agreeable as he was extremely handsome and charming. At least, to my eyes ;) :P

    One day, we watched a movie for he had insisted so much, and I was happy about it. He kissed me passionately at the end of the movie, and seemed totally in love with me. I was surprised. He was acting like a teenager, all intimidated and confused…Although he was 20 and I was 22. (thought you would like to know our ages :P) He seemed really in love and I refused to go further. I told him there would be nothing more than a kiss and I asked him if he was aware this situation would be complicated to handle as housemates. He agreed but seemed like he didn’t care.

    But the day after, he asked me to go out with him and the other housemates to celebrate on Halloween’s night. So I went, they convinced me, but he was distant during all the evening,almost ignoring me. At the end, when we were out of sight, I came to talk to him and give him a cuddle, but he let me do without reacting, as if he was embarrassed. He clearly made me confused.

    Day after day, he pretended as if nothing had happened!!! ANd didn’t want to talk to me. SO after a few days, I asked to talk to him and he explained me he didn’t want to commit in a relationship because he had just split up with his ex girlfriend few months before and still felt hurt. He told me he needed freedom and didn’t want to be hurt again when I would have to come back to France. But I answered him, HE was the one who came to me and tried everything to get closer to me. HE was the one who put himself in that situation and I was the one who had put limits to this kiss.

    After that, I tried to take my distances as he had asked me to, with the hope, I must confess, that he would change his mind for I had feelings for him. And that’s what he did. He came back to me, flirted with me, asked me to do this and that with him, have a little talk etc…Flirting basically.

    But then, real problems started. I was happy he had come back to me, because I thought I had respected him with his decision and he may have had changed his mind for he really seemed to like me!! But those were only desillusions. Maybe he liked me very much, but most of all, he was extremely disturbed, unbalanced and incoherent.

    It would be too long to explain all the things he has tried to do to manipulate me and make me feel miserable, but one thing is sure: He always tried to make me feel guilty and responsible for everything I was doing!! Always looking for arguments, telling me I had done this and that when I didn’t even understand where it came from. I often found myself lost, and wondering how he could possibly have “CREATED” all this!!! (I remember these exact thoughts and words in my head).
    Everything was going so fast, I almost felt like i had done something wrong. ANd here I was, spending all my nights trying to understand or find anything that I could have possibly done wrong: but I couldn’t find any…I texted him to try and apologize for things I didn’t know I had done, but my priority was to stop this mental torture he was exercising on me. I just wanted to make it all stop and find peace again, even if it meant I had to apologize for nothing. The most important was for him to stop making me feel bad all the time.

    But he kept doing it, day after day, looking like a crazy or a schizophrenia. He acted differently with all the rest os the housemates and whistled like a joyful bird every morning, when I found myself in pain in my bed, wondering how I would be able to solve this problem with him. It was as if I was trapped in a prison that only I could enter, and nobody could see or hear me for nobody had witnessed his insanity with me.

    He changed his humor very fast with me, was unpredictable and I began to become scared of him, even of meeting him. So I tried to avoid him in the house…

    The night before I had to leave for Paris, as he had refused to arrange the situation and talk to me, he asked me to talk with him.
    I was relieved, for I thought he had realized what he had done to me, and maybe apologize and explain himself to me for all he had done…

    But to my complete despair and awe, he just wanted to put me down even more and spent about 15 minutes, in his room, telling me that he knew I was a BAD person. That he didn’t care what others thought of me, HE knew the truth, and he knew I wasn’t the one I wanted people to think..At this very moment, I felt like the doors of Hell had opened and as if my soul was gliding towards it. It was unbelievable. I wished that anyone could be there and help me, see how crazy and obsessed he was…He told me all that, and, I was still trying to convince him that I was not that person. I saw myself trying to justify myself for nothing..So that he could like me and stop thinking those horrible and wrong things he was saying about me…I loved him. And he was killing me. Purposely.
    It seemed like he was delighted to see me submitted to him and suffering. He only took me in his arms and tried to kiss me again when I broke in tears for I was deeply hurt..I let himself do because I loved him. Or at least I thought I loved him, and paradoxically, even though he had mentally tortured me for all this time, all I needed was him to hold me in his arms…

    When I came back to Paris, I thought I was done with all that but I realized with horror, that he had left me a poisonous gift. The gift of guilt that was slowly growing inside me. And I needed help from my friends and family and even psychological help to understand that all this wasn’t my fault and that I had met a great and perverse manipulator.

    So thank you dear Matthew for sharing this video with us, as it could help many women to become aware of this kind of relationships and it also helped me identify with all 5 points you mentionned about what toxic people do.

    Thank you. :) Today, my life has come back to normal and I am very happy and healthy. He didn’t succeed in making me crazy like him :P

    To all the women and people it could help,
    Never let anyone try to destroy your heart and mind,
    You will know when it happens ;) And when it is the case, as Matthew said so brightly: RUN!

    Love,

    Claire

    • Vikki says:

      Thank you for telling your story Claire from France ! You wrote it very well and your English was excellent . ( mine isn’t that great thought !) . It was horrible that you went through all that terrible torture , and I’m glad you escaped and found help to heal . I hate to think what that guy is doing now and who he may be harming :( . Hopefully matts video will reach many and help people stop becoming victims to these sick and toxic characters .
      Thanks again Matt !!! :)

      • Claire says:

        Dear Vikky,

        I am so pleased you read my story and could understand my english properly. Thank you!! Thank you for your support and your kind words :)
        As you said, I really hope he is not torturing someone else now. What makes me sad is that I will never know if he does, and NOBODY will know it, as he is very attentive to not let anyone be able to see how he really is with his “victims” ad what he really does.

        I can only pray he will stop this.

        Thank you for reading me and reassuring me about my English Vikky, haha :)

        Enjoy your day

        With Love,

        Claire

  42. Tamar says:

    As always it was a pleasure watching you
    Though I felt I needed more examples this time
    to really grasp your definition of “Toxic person”.
    It seemd to me, your description was very.. “black and wight”
    Wile I was waiting to learn more of the shades..
    Senario where we’re not sure weather it’s a toxic person or perhaps our toxic interpretation? How can we really tel?
    So
    I’d love it if you find some time to elabarate
    It seems like an extremely important matter :)

    Tamar

  43. Mikala says:

    I’ve had friendships with two toxic people. The last girl I was friends with, I kept at a distance because I noticed certain behaviors and patterns in the way she talked to people and treated people that I thought were not right or toxic. She was also very dependent. I get it , she wasn’t in the city very long and didn’t have many friends but it’s terrible to feel that someone has so much dependance on you. It’s a burden really.

    I also found that she wasn’t really nice. She would find a problem with every restaurant and bar that we went to except the ones that she personally approved of. She would cause a scene if the waitress charged her over two dollars for something and she would say really offensive things. Whenever I tried to talk to her about it she would be aggressive and angry and turn the whole thing around so that it seemed like I was the one with the problem and not her.

    The other friend had serious insecurity issues and I felt bad for her. I’m not going to go into depth with this one, but to say the least, she left bite marks on my arm at one point.

    Anyways this clip really does apply to not only men but all relationships in general.

    Thanks for posting Matt,

    Mika

  44. Elizabeth says:

    You just spoke about the man I was married to for best part of twenty five years. From further research, I believe this is narcissistic personality disorder and stems from being raised in an uncaring and abusive home where there is constant criticism plus physical/verbal abuse. I managed to get out eventually, but the problems my ex husband caused are still being felt, including by our children. There should be much more taught about this kind of thing in high school, it is sorely needed. Keep up your good work.

  45. Carol says:

    Thank you for making this video. You hit the nail right on the head. Everything you’ve said I already knew, but you just worded it so perfectly. It’s nice to know others elsewhere can relate, and I’m not just going crazy. Lol. Love your videos. You’re no longer just a dating coach and business man, you’re helping people think outside of the box and become more worldly. You speak such power through your words. Thank you.

  46. Gloria says:

    That is so helpful M. I know exactly what you are talking about and importantly you have made it clear that none of us is perfect so it’s not about blaming. It is about having clear but flexible boundaries and this is a bit more complicated, so I would welcome some more from you on this. (May be I missed this).
    Oh and I would add if you are suffering any kind of loss including bereavement, break up, relatives emigrating, job loss, etc., you will be extremely vulnerable to this kind of manipulation. It’s best to be patient with yourself, try to disengage, or/and acknowledge that this is a difficult time without being self condemnatory.

  47. Ana says:

    Hello Matthew, thank you so much for this video, but I have a question. After listening to the 5 signs your dating a toxic person makes me see that I am in a relationship with someone like that, but he also say that I’m all those things too. How would I know if I’m the toxic person?

    Thanks for your advise :)

  48. Eva says:

    You’re such a smart young man. My ex was toxic for me, and I finally got away from him and am ready for a new life. It is awful to be with someone who denigrates you and makes you feel weaker rather than stronger, who accuses you of sleeping with your boss when you get a big raise due to your achievements, who never looks to himself for improvements he demands from the relationship. I was so stressed, my hair started to fall our. To be free of someone like that feels better than I imagined. I wish him well and hope he finds happiness in life, but truly I never wish to see him again. Thanks for your wonderful insights; I hope they help someone else.

  49. Jill says:

    Sadly, toxic relationships can be with friends and family members. As hard as it is we need to have the courage to recognize all toxic relationships and put a stop to them. I believe we are put on this earth to help each other grow not tear one another down.

  50. Cory says:

    Matt – Hind sight is 20-20. So glad that I was able to get out of a toxic relationship and eventually attend a retreat with you and your team. It’s so hard to accept this sort of information when you need it the most. It’s especially hard because that toxic person tries to control every aspect of your life. I wonder how to help my daughter and other young women accept the information before they are in jeopardy of losing themselves. Surely not all of us have to learn the hard way. Unfortunately, I find that young people often know it all… until they realize they don’t. I’m having a hard time passing on your wisdom to my twenty-two year old daughter. Thoughts?

  51. Tricia says:

    Spot On Dude!

  52. Natt says:

    Thank you Matthew, this confirms things for me but what I am supposed to do as it is my MOM doing this ??
    I’m sure she don’t mean bad, only for “my best” but I can’t handle it. I’ve stopped seeing her for ten years now and feel ashamed of it.

    (sorry if my English is not perfect it is not my usual language)

  53. Stacy says:

    Matt, spot on!!! There hasn’t been an issue getting the attraction but problem is the males I’ve been attracted to pour it on thick. Endless calls, you’re the keeping kind, etc. Then after a period of time when I return kindness like making a meal, celebrating a holiday that is when the distancing behavior is triggered. So fundamentally woman want to feel safe and these men are masters with words and actions for a couple of months. But as soon as I share my true nature which is kindness and reciprocation the chase is over. I’ve started to study human behaviors and triggers and doing my utmost not to get sucked into the manipulation but they are so good. I completely believe that there are really great guys out there and will not settle until I find my teammate. However, the journey is exhausting but I’m teachable and not a quiter. I watch each and every video that you post. A sincere thank you, Matt, for your commitment to us. This is my first Internet comment ever.. Please know that we value your efforts, however, many folks don’t like to leave the social media footprint. But we are indeed here watching and applying your instruction and heartfelt sincerity to our lives. Thank you for all that you do and will do. God speed.
    p.s. Loving these videos on toxicity because these are the players that truly are in the chase. The ones that woo us, confuse us. So helpful what elements you so clearly defined within this video. Thank you again!

  54. Aprineil says:

    Thank you for puting this video up, definitely helps me understand why my ex husband never worked out I’ve alwasys thought it was me
    Thank you again I reakly wish you would do a conference in Canada

  55. Caitlin says:

    For anyone looking on more information on toxic people and potentially abusive relationships READ THE BOOK “WHY DOES HE DO THAT? INSIDE THE MINDS OF ANGRY AND CONTROLLING MEN” by Lundy Bancroft. I wouldnt have stayed in my abusive relationship as long as I did had I been properly educated. Since 1 in 3 women suffer partner abuse, it is imperative every woman read this book! Peace and Love to all.

  56. dayna says:

    The man I’m with is so impossible to communicate with. He lets me down, breaks promises repeatedly but if I say anything about it his response is never to apologize. He tells me that I’m just attention seeking or that my complaint is “bullshit”
    Is he just not capable of simple compassion? Every time I try to get things out in the open it backfires. Why don’t I want to let him go?

  57. Susan says:

    I’ve listened to this video twice. The first time I saw the real reasons why I needed to leave a 22 year marriage. The second time I saw myself. I recently ended a relationship with someone. I thought we were moving toward exclusivity and it appears not…The first half of the conversation went well, but in the second half I exhibited the toxic signs in #1. I did not degrade him, but made it clear that there were others who wanted me. I was trying to hurt him as I’d been hurt. Clearly I have more personal work to do. Thank you Matt!

  58. Gianna says:

    Great stuff. I’d love to hear about how to handle someone toxic that you can’t just rid yourself of. For example, my coparent. I ended my romantic relationship with him, but I forever have to interact with my ex, about something as important as my child, who by the way, I want to do everything possible to shield from the toxicity.

  59. Diane says:

    Matthew, I bought your book and your program and I’ve followed your post. I have learned alot of good and valuable information. You teach things that were not taught to me and have made me so much stronger and happier. This is the first time I’ve actually made a comment though. This topic is so personal to me as I went through a longterm marriage with a toxic person. I struggle with the repercussions of having finally left, because he has worked on our two sons psychic to the point where they don’t communicate with me at all. I don’t hear from them on mother’s day, my birthday, christmas.It breaks my heart. I have stressed over how to approach the situation with them without putting their father down in their eyes. So I sit and I wait hoping that they will come to their senses someday. Since then I was in a relationship with a man that looked very good on paper. In the beginning he was the man I’d always dreamed of. He was a saint. Once I said yes, to getting married it was like I didn’t know who he was anymore. I kept looking at what was it I did or said to make him turn into this mean, sarcastic, controlling person. He did everything on your list (except physical violence). It took me so long to figure it out. I’d talk to friends, but it only made it worse, because they always had opinions that were from any ordinary, bad relationship experiences or knowledge. But this was different and I knew it. Something was very different than just a bad fit or chemistry. But until you’ve run across this in your own life it’s hard to wrap your head around it. Like I said it took me awhile to figure things out and to cut my losses. In your video you have made this topic the most clear and precise I’ve ever heard. The most painful part was when he’d distance himself from me and instead of working things out for the good with me, he’d go to other people of a group he is involved in and get coaches there to support him. He’d come back treating me worse than ever though. BTW the people in the organization he’s a member of think he is some kind of guru and he has tons of women mostly who flock all over him praising everything he does. I not only lost what I thought was the love of my life, but I also found the healthy thing to do was to cut myself off from these mutual contacts as well. Matthew thank you for all the work that you do for people to have healthier, relationships which translates into having happier, more fulfilling, successful lives.

  60. anon says:

    Matt, I have never been in a long term relationship with a guy, so therefore I’ve never experienced a toxic relationship with a guy – thank God! This might be a bit off-topic but I have female friends who are very competitive. I once read in a book or heard somewhere that “friends can remain LOCKED IN A COMPETITION with each other all their lives” or something to that effect. That might be a reason why someone might distance themselves from these friends – because they get tired of the competition & it SOMETIMES makes them feel small.

  61. Allison says:

    Thanks Matt. I’ve heard other “toxic” lists before but yours resonated much more. Your examples were exactly what I experienced. It’s amazing how long it takes to heal from this and get yourself back. They are tricky folks though! He still knows how to push my buttons a year and half later. I need garlic or something to repel him. Please come up with the Toxic-person repellant for us. :)

  62. Hannah says:

    Hi Matt!

    Thank you for this video. It really struck a chord with me as I have someone in my family who behaves exactly like this and it is unfortunately impacting the whole family. My sisters and I have spoken this person to talk about their behaviour and how we were concerned about them but we received an aggressive and strangely aloof reply that left us tired, miserable and tearful.
    Sometimes it feels like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

    What can I do to help ease this undercurrent of aggressiveness and spitefulness in the family? I’m quite a sensitive person (which I see as kind of a double edge sword – helps me in my artistic career but makes me easy pickings in conflict) and I loathe arguments. What tactics can I use so I don’t get swept up in my own emotion and take their comments too personally.

    You’re totally right in saying that we’re all damaged goods and I know I too have a lot flaws to work on. I really love this person and don’t want this bad vibe in my family anymore.

    Cheers,
    Hannah

  63. Ruth McCaffrey says:

    Matthew, I watched this video and printed out the Narcissist article your brother wrote. Thank you both! I ended a 14 year relationship with a narcissist. I can’t believe it took me that long to see it, understand it and get out of it. It’s been 7 months and I am starting to find the real me again. A bit of advice for others is to never go back to that person. They work really hard at trying to get you back, charm, seemingly loving etc. it’s all smoke and mirrors. They are really like vampires needing their fix and once they have you again, they will have the Proximity of Power and you will not be yourself! One other tidbit on narcissism I discovered and also read about is that many cheat on their partners. Toxic in all ways!!

  64. Heather says:

    Matthew,

    Thank you for this most informative and helpful video! These signs can be used in all relationships. I have had a myriad of experiences with toxic people. I also now know, thanks to your sage wisdom, how not to be a toxic person as well!

    Thank you!

  65. Ariel says:

    Dear Mat,
    Thank you for your enlightening video! I agree that toxic people exist with the characteristics that you described, I had been in a relationship that my partner was toxic, but the thing is that why are we accept to stay in a relationship when the person is toxic? why the same person is happy and a king with some other woman? My answer is when I as a woman accept to be a victim it results in me staying and living a toxic life with toxic people. I read more than 1000 comments under this video post about women talking about toxic partners, but the thing is if there are really so many toxic men in this world how can I trust men? My point is that we let men become toxic around us when we are playing the victim rule.

    • Goldberry says:

      Ariel, I think people like this can only feel comfortable with someone who is equally insecure but in a non-controlling way. Or, they might like someone they perceive as always loving and affirming — but if they find out that person actually has self-esteem and boundaries, they will resent it and start to act up.

  66. OneWay says:

    Others can’t heal you. You can’t heal yourself. Only Jesus can heal you.

  67. Beverly says:

    This is so my ex husband. Sad thing is my girls talk to me about these same issues with their Dad. I could escape it but they can’t yet.

  68. Deb Shaw says:

    This happened to me with my ex partner and then he started the same thing with my son and I knew it was definitely time to get out then. He wasn’t a bad man, just a control freak!

    • Allison says:

      Thanks Deb – same here. What I couldn’t do for myself I was finally able to do for my son. I just hope the damage isn’t too long-lasting. Best of luck to you.

  69. Dora says:

    Story of my life…so true.

  70. Rachel says:

    This is great!! You break it down a really complex topic, very well!!

    Thank you!!!

  71. Kristina says:

    Thank you, Matthew.
    I have a question – do you think this is specific to certain countries/cultures more than others, or do you think this is true across the board. Some of the signs sound to me like they are really foreign. Thank you.

  72. LC says:

    This video is about my ex husband. Wow.

  73. kim says:

    Look forward every Sunday to hearing from you Matt. The blame game almost destroyed me. How is it possible to actually believe that one person is responsible for the problems in a relationship. Believing that and feeling the burden to fix it all is something no one should carry!

  74. Danielle says:

    Thank you for this video. it really hit home with me and pointed all the things wrong with my past relationship. I find the hard part is allowing yourself to see these things while in the relationship. I’m looking forward to hear more about what you have to say during the retreat.

  75. Gloria says:

    This was right on point. Great stuff

  76. Lori says:

    Whoa!

    Whoa. Whoa. Whoa and whoa. I have been following you and your brother’s work for awhile now, but I feel this is THE best advice you’ve given. What power you just handed me!

    I was married for nearly 20 years to a man who made me feel like I was crazy. Everyone always wants to know why I got divorced. I don’t have an easy one-liner answer. Now I do, and it’s only one word: toxic. Finally, some sense.

    I want to meet someone new but have been terrified that I will hook up with another just like him. I feel like your concise questions and examples can serve as a reality check for me. (Your brother’s narcissist article complements this video perfectly. You two are spot on.)

    Thank you both for your work.

    Stronger by the day,
    Lori

    • Stacy says:

      Exactly what Lori said!!! This is the power women need. Many know how to attract the guy but we need to know when to ditch the wrong ones!!!!

  77. Deb says:

    Wow Matthew your video on toxic people was bang on for me! I left my husband of 24 years 5 years ago &still feeling guilty for doing so. I even let him keep most of our money. Now he lives in luxury telling me about his latest conquests & I struggle. This has opened my eyes, albeit too late, at least now I can stop feeling guilty! Thank you!

  78. Beth says:

    Matthew, these are all very excellent signs to watch out for. What it all boils down to is someone who hasn’t taken the time to heal their own securities, believe in themselves, and stand alone in their own strength. These are also the outward signs of an addict. I know because I became involved with an alcoholic at one point in my life. The only difference with that scenario is that there is another “love” in the equation, and you’ll never be first. The bottom line is, you can’t look to another person to validate you 100%, and you absolutely can’t be the thing that validates another person. Move on.

  79. pam says:

    Thanks, Mat – as important a topic in the online dating age, as when I experienced it first hand in the late 80s. I’m in healthy space now, but wasn’t always. My first love profiled as a malignant narcissist. He so badly manipulated my every frame of reference I am only now, many years on, getting to the bottom of his biggest life lie to me (that he was engaged/dumped/in recovery, the entire time he ‘dated’ me). Everyone’s known this truth, but me, for many years. I think initially he got away with ‘Pam and I are just friends’ and then later on ‘Pam knows and she’s OK with it’. This second lie allowed him to get away with a LOT!! Especially with his family. No one’s gonna cue you in if they think you ‘already know’ and that you’re ‘ok with it’. You sense their disgust, but have no clue as to where their feelings are coming from towards you. You become further isolated as they think you’re as big a loser as he is a liar. They never conclude that he’s lying to them about what & when you ‘knew’ anything. Do I feel stupid and humiliated – yes and no. Of course most think ‘how could you not know’? Well, love’s blind, and since the truth revealed itself to me (I followed up on an oh-so-smoothly delivered sadistic ‘hint’ when I was unfortunate enough to be ‘found’ by him online recently) My subconscious has coughed up a couple of long forgotten instances I chose to deny, probably to protect myself from unbearable pain (I was young). And no, I don’t feel stupid as all the literature on the narcissist/victim template explains how the victim comes to be brainwashed – and it doesn’t, as you said, matter how strong your frame of reference is, anyone can be brainwashed by a sociopath. This guy would pass a lie detector test – he has told me he never thought he did anything wrong with women. And I believe him, as I can see clearly he believes this lie he tells himself! Dozens of people knew the truth about how badly I had been deceived, manipulated, used and discarded, the whole time and were either manipulated, deceived or coerced into keeping it from me. Now that I know the truth I can see why people never wanted to talk about him with me after he moved away (and married very quickly) or touch it with a 10 foot pole. I can honestly say the most courageous thing I’ve been able to do is face the truth behind all my fear and confusion about that time in my life that made no sense to me for over two decades. I am more free and joy filled with each passing day having stepped out from the shadow of that mystery and the shadow of my own fear about finding out the truth. Keep up the good work, Mat – I forward your posts to my dating age daughters as I want them to have the healthy template for dating I never did! Hugs!

  80. TK says:

    Thank you so much for this. It is upsetting but also revelatory. I was initially thinking about the relationship I just left (which I can see in hindsight was even more toxic than I realized at the time) but was stunned to consider how much this describes my upbringing. I think since I was raised by toxic people it has taken me a long time to “un-learn” the treatment I mistook for love, and I’ve been through several toxic relationships (romantic, friendship, business) blaming myself harshly when it seems I was “trained” to see this kind of exchange as normal. I so love the sentiment “proximity is power” as I am now actively participating in recovery groups, and this has helped immensely to support a much healthier relationship dynamic. Thank you for these messages which are my little boosters of healing!

  81. Melissa says:

    Thank you what you said makes perfect sense I think it becomes harder when you have a child with them also I have been with my partner for 6 years and I have been friends with him for 15years. Also 2 years ago he got into a car accidents and he now has a brain injury called post concussion syndrome so it’s hard to leave him anyway do you have any suggestions.

    • Eva says:

      Hi, Melissa:

      My ex was also in a car accident 20 years ago and had a head injury. Afterward he was never the same. I feel like my husband died that day and I was given a stranger to take home. Everything toxic about his personality was amplified, and anything good just sort of went away. I never fell in love with the stranger-husband, but because of our kids I stayed with him. I wish I had escaped sooner, but you do what you think is right and live with the consequences, I guess. I have now met someone wonderful, and I am hoping with Matthew’s advice for those times when my inner self loses her confidence, this will be my forever partner. It is difficult to regain your self-esteem after having had it bashed down for so long, but my new partner is a very understanding man who tries very hard to get it through my head that I need to put myself first. I am trying to learn that particular thing. I hope you find your peace, Melissa. Good luck.

  82. Leyla says:

    Thank you for this. I know so many people have been in toxic relationships, and I can look back and see the red flags that went up in some situations. I was raised in a toxic family, and had survived for years by denial of my own feelings. Escaping abuse was a great un-learning, but a huge voyage of self-discovery and learning to love myself, and thereby love others.

    The biggest first indicator to me in romantic situations, as some have noted here, is a man who comes on hot and heavy from the start. I used to think it was romantic, and if the sudden rush comes from a long friendship that has suddenly evolved into something else, it can be… But not with two people who have just met.

    In a sense, when a huge bouquet arrives very soon after the first or second date, the man sending it is not sending it to me. He is sending it to his fantasy me, the woman of his dreams. Believe me, no matter what, that man is going to be disappointed at some point.

    It isn’t necessarily bad.. how does he react when you disagree with him, or tell him how you feel? His reaction at this point, as you say Matthew, will tell you everything.

    It can be so hard to keep your head on straight when you are giddy with excitement. A new relationship, a new job, a new friend.. it all can seem so special, and if we are not very grounded in our own sense of self, or are in a weak moment in life (as we all are at times), it is very easy to be swept away and ignore little sleights, attempts to isolate, nasty remarks.

    I hate to be un-romantic, but it is a matter of stepping back, taking deep breaths, and slowing down. Listening to our own body and gut!

    Just to note, too, with massive unemployment, I have heard that instances of abuse in employment situations have dramatically increased! It is all about power.

    Also, I sincerely believe that most of the time, the toxic people do not mean to be toxic. They mean to love, but are too frightened of losing something valuable to be able to. This is why the abuse is so hard to see.

    Keep your power, honor it–not to control others, but to be the driver of your own life. It is the only way to love completely.

    • TK says:

      Totally agree! This is great advice, and also gives me hope. Thanks!

    • Diane says:

      Leyla, I totally agree with you. This is where I am now. I have finally “grown-up” so to speak. I still believe in love and romance, but I have a clear understanding and knowledge now what true romance and love are. And it starts with honoring, respecting and loving yourself. To that degree you can receive love and give love.

  83. Kristen says:

    You couldn’t be more right in this video. I was married for eight years to THIS MAN, and during those eight years, I lost myself. I became the self-doubting, careful, timid person he wanted. When I had great successes, he belittled them, and he thrived on my fear and vulnerability. I’m out of that relationship now, and I’m finally beginning to recognize myself again. I’m very successful in my career, I’m surrounded by amazing people, and I like myself. But it’s been a long road of recovery from the emotional abuse inflicted by that man. Thank you for putting this out there… I hope it is a huge wakeup call for many women. -Kristen

  84. karla says:

    Thank you for the wake up call presented with such reason.
    I have been dating a guy that has stopped talking to me because I won’t allow his dog overnight at my house. His dog does not sleep, and chews my clothes. Instead of leaving his 1 year old..dog he has decided just to not talk anymore. No solution to the situation. I am also moving into a new condo, he hasn’t wanted to see it..or help me. He said, he will come see when I am all moved in. I am a go getter, and he always wants to slow me down. You spoke to these issues…he doesn’t seem to want me to be better. Oh..he called me ” spiteful” because I reminded him about how I have had his dog over many times. Interesting isn’t it?

  85. Mary says:

    Wow,you just described my husband of 30 years, I can not believe this!
    I am always afraid to discuss any problem for fear that he will respond in the exact same way you describe. When ever such a discussion arises it usually ends up in a fight leaving me feeling like the bad guy or the root of the problem. This is so eye opening, you don’t even know. I am not the kind of person who responds on social media or anywhere else for that matter.

    Now the question is, how do I approach my husband with the problems we have right now? We’ve had a really rough year, his work has transferred him out of state and we are dealing with some financial problems. We have managed to raise two very successful children somehow.

    I hope you get a chance to read this as I could use some more advice.
    I enjoy Matt’s videos and share them with my 27 yr old single daughter.

  86. Silvie says:

    Wow. Very insightful video Mathew. I’m actually not dating anyone at the moment (which is no big deal). But you just described the relationship I have with my mother: Toxic. Toxic. I think I need to break up with my mum.

  87. Sandi M says:

    This really helped me. Hope there’s more to come like it.
    Thank you!

  88. Laura says:

    Yeah Matthew, once again so right… I had a boyfriend pretty much just like that, he had the ability to make me feel the happiest and the saddest person as he pleased. I was already so deep into it that I could not see how toxic he was indeed. Even after I broke up with him I felt guilty I was abandoning him, that’s just how far the mind games and manipulation went with him. I think that what women that find themselves in this situation need the most is the strength to get themselves out and the tools for understanding what is actually going on. It’s really hard to get detached from emotional dependence, even when it’s noxious and that’s something I think you could focus on, in order to help people in this situation restore emotional balance.

  89. Gale says:

    I have had many of those relationships. Starting with my mother, peers, and romantic relationships. Now, I am on my own (my parents are both gone). My mother thought she was keeping me grounded. She had multiple phobias. I was a model, in a magazine, with an article written about me, I retired myself early, I have joined the Lions Club and raise money for many charities, I help perform eye screenings for the underprivileged, work with Habitat for Humanity,and have met many accomplished people. I am looking for the right romantic partner and I have much hope that I will soon. Gale

  90. Kalvinder says:

    Dear Matthew,
    Thank you so much for this video as I have been so unhappy in my current job becayse I am surrounded by people like this at work but also where I am living during the week as I live near work during the week and it us incredibly toxic and exactly the same. I think it is very common in some companies and some places in the UK and your video is so so timely.
    Thank you , yes it can apply to work and housemates and friends more than partners sometimes but the impact is dumped on the partner bearing the brunt
    Of my unhappiness.
    Kind regards,
    Kalvinder

  91. linda says:

    Don’t forget woman don’t forget there are support groups and counselling out there, I had to have counselling and it helps me, 1 year and a half. It’s worth it. You need good friends and family around you. Just wake up smell the coffee and walk away from these sorts of people.you deserve a happy good life, love yourself,help yourselves and get strong. Wise my mum and she said count how many happy times and how many bad times,weight them up. Never stay if he’s hits you,puts you down. If he’s really loves you he will sort himself out with anger management counselling and couples counselling.It can work for my friends husband did it there married is brilliant. Work with matt he’s brilliant

  92. Liana says:

    Dear Matthew,

    Thank you for the video to pointing out the signs of toxic person. I’m kind of in that kind of situation and thanks to your pointer, I’m setting my self free from those toxic people as these people always try to push me down and make me the one who’s having problem despite my effort to be neutral.

    Thanks again!

  93. Shelly Monahan says:

    Matt:

    Thank You so much for creating this video. I have survived a toxic relationship, and wish I would have known these things at a much younger age. I will be forwarding this video to my daughter, as you explain it much better than I could. I pray that the people watching this video will let this knowledge sink into their heart, and they will use it to protect themselves from the damage this kind of relationship can cause.

    A word of caution: If you recognize what Matt is talking about in the man that you are dating, or married to, I would suggest that you do not tell them you think they are toxic. You could be putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Just a bit of advice from someone who has been through the fire.

  94. stephanie says:

    Wow, great job! Really, really helpful..after twenty three years in a toxic marriage, I have been working so hard (for four years) to understand the dynamics…to define the qualities that best express the problems in the relationship so I never put myself in that position again, and so I can help my children be aware enough to avoid repeating our mistakes.

    I know I was absolutely participating by being afraid to confront him and by allowing myself to be bullied and eventually mistreated in escalating ways. I know my insecurity led me to believe I did not deserve better. And I know he was in terrible pain and had inadequate tools for getting his needs met. Nowadays I say I can certainly love, honor and cherish him much better from across town. In this video you have done a wonderful job describing the core behaviors and what they look like.

  95. Lex says:

    I am in a very toxic situation right now – with my parents. I had to move back home for a little while to save some money and they are probably the 2 most toxic people I’ve ever met. They are “supposed” to be divorcing but haven’t gotten around to it yet but they definitely exhibit all 5 signs you mentioned. Especially my mom. She has never once congratulated me on any good news. She always goes straight to the negatives and never just basks in the joy with me. And when I mention this to her, she yells at me like I’m the one with the problem!! I’ve tried many times to sit and talk rationally to her but no matter how carefully I choose my words, she goes on the defensive and thinks I’m attacking her.

    I really don’t know what there is left to do to save the relationship. I’m moving out soon so I’m sure that will make it easier on me, but I don’t see it helping our relationship at all. I hate to think I should just have to cut my mother out of my life, but I don’t know what else I can do. Thanks for this video!

  96. Kriss says:

    Matt thanks for doing this video about such important topic.
    it’s very helpful the way you point out a toxic person and effect in the relationship.
    I just realized I might be dating an insecure toxic guy, so I’ll do the best for me.
    Have a great day! ;)

  97. Camila says:

    My first love was very toxic to me and it took me so long and so much effort to realize, it quite amazes me to this day. I was very young, only 18 when we started dating. We only dated for a year, but even almost three years after dating I would still allow him to come too close to me and I suffered for not being able to be with him even though he would always belittle me and make me feel like I didn’t deserve him and that I needed to change… It was the other way around, of course… but I went on auto-destruction mode for those three years… He knew he had broken me and he enjoyed taking advantage of that because I would always leave a door open for him and hoped he would change his mind about me.

    Oh, was I wrong… I gave my everything to a person that was very cruel to me and played with my emotions. I even lost 25 pounds in 2 weeks the first time we broke up because I was a nervous wreck… So much damage…

    I am glad to say that five years later I am now with an amazing man that is completely different towards me. I have to be honest, it taken a lot of work for me to open to him because of all I went to with my ex, but I have slowly allowed myself to be loved and to show my love for him freely. Feelings didn’t used to come so naturally for me after my ex… I felt hollow. I thought I had been in love before and that I would never find it again, but I was wrong. I have found true love, and I can definitely see and feel the difference. I am extremely happy and am pretty sure this is the man I will marry.

  98. sasha says:

    Matt thank you this has confirmed what I have already discovered. I had a very toxic friend we talk every day all day, we were attached at the hip. she down my positivity about everything if it didn’t relate to her, their was not any resolution in our friendship. she was right all the time! I decided almost a year ago that her friendship didn’t meet my requirements as a friend. I never being a good person can make someone feel so horrible that they hate you. All the insults and being two faced it was just a waste of time. She would even give me bad advice on men because she needed me to need her and it does damage your confidence when someone repeatly insults your judgement and outlook. I’m glad its over hopefully I can heal from this. I couldn’t believe all this time I thought I was the problem.

  99. Shev says:

    I swear you are psychic, Matt!! I cannot believe how timely, and relevant this is for me right know! I have been quite stressed out and tired at work, ( most of my colleagues are) and heading towards burnout, which is quite sad, because I love my work! I have realized that I have let certain colleagues, acquaintances, friends and family, who I know are toxic to me, erode my confidence!! I had been better at setting limits with them, especially the family, but have allowed them opportunities to let their comments get to me! ( it particularly doesn’t help when it’s done from a “caring and loving place”!) I need to be more aware when I am interacting with them, set limits and not allow them to errode my confidence that seems so fragile at this time!

    I have had toxic relationships in the past, which has made me gun shy , when it comes to guys but I am chipping away at that! Taking more risks, but also seeing who they are by how they behave and NOT based on what they say!
    Thanks again for a thought prevoking blog that is relevant to so many areas, not just dating!
    Warmest Regards,
    Shev XX

  100. linda says:

    It all makes sense. Thankyou once more.if this video can stop one women not to get herself into domestic violence relationship then your doing a great job. Woman don’t realize there in one not until it’s to late if this makes woman think about there man.if they walk away now in the early stages and yes they we be hurting, in the long run you my loose confidence,self respect and worth. Couples of years before my x starting to just hit me.glass doors got broken, it was more little things of mine.you say to yourself we going through a bad patch.

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