6 Signs You Suffer From ‘Broken Woman’ Syndrome

This is article #31 to be published on the Get The Guy blog from my brother Stephen. Steve helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.

(Photo: Deborah Freeman)

Enter Stephen

She brings up her ex on a first date. That’s usually the first bad omen.

But sometimes it’s more subtle. It might just be a sort of lost quality in the way she speaks about the past. She sighs a lot and has a pained puppy-dog look in her eyes when she talks about past relationships.

She has that forlorn quality of Cate Blanchett in Benjamin Button, the ballerina who broke her leg and can no longer dance on stage. She talks about her dreams as though they lie at the bottom of a well never to be seen from again.

This is what we call the Broken Woman Syndrome. It’s those subtle ways that a certain kind of woman communicates to a man “I’m a fallen fairy who needs to be nursed back to health again”, with the subtext being “and I hope it’s going to be you who will do it”.

I’m not knocking vulnerability, nor am I saying that some of us don’t have very painful memories in our past. This isn’t about either of those. The Broken Woman Syndrome is really about when a woman mistakes being ‘vulnerable’ with being ‘damaged’.

Vulnerability, in the right doses, is sweet and endearing. Guys like seeing the occasional hint of vulnerability so that they can be protective and reassuring. Sprinkled here and there, it works wonders because it makes him feel needed.

But the ‘Broken Woman’ is someone who takes vulnerability to an uncomfortable level. She acts like someone who is ‘damaged goods’, who needs taking care of.

She revels in a vision of herself as a kind of romantic martyr, and secretly hopes that a man will want to care for, soothe her bruised soul and help her blossom again.

Unfortunately guys rarely find any poetic romance in being tasked with coaxing those broken wings back into flight. A more likely response from a guy who sees this kind of attitude is “I’m really glad we’re not ordering dessert”.

Guys have their own version of this too: the Wounded Soldier Complex. These are guys who feel burnt by love, and excuse their jealous or crappy behaviour due to them having been ‘hurt and betrayed’ so many times by cold, manipulative, nasty women, as though that now justifies them generally being an emotionally-closed asshole.

So what are some of the major behaviours of the Broken Woman? Here are six major characteristics she’ll have (all of which ought to be avoided at all costs):

1. She Talks Like Her Best Days Are Behind Her

The sure sign of a wounded woman is someone who reminisces constantly about the past and talks as though her future is bleak and lifeless. The only time she compliments herself is when she brags about a bunch of stuff she used to do, or past accomplishments that she no longer feels capable of equalling.

Talking as though your greatest hits are already behind you is about the worst thing you can ever communicate to a potential romantic partner.

2. She Uses Other, More Successful Or Exciting Friends, To Validate Her

Broken women like to feed off of having successful friends in order to look ‘successful by association’.

Unfortunately, an hour of you gushing about your incredible friends Jack, Sarah and Christy, whilst also looking like you don’t have much going on yourself, just makes him wonder whether he would be better off hanging out with them instead.

By all means, talk up your friends, but it should never seem like you are looking to their great qualities and status to validate yourself.

3. She’s Lost Her Driven Spark

If it looks like her emotional fire has burnt out, it’s going to be just as impossible to start a romantic one.

Guys want women who have burning desires and aspire to independence. They want women who are in the race, not those who just want to win a consolation prize.

You don’t have to achieve all the time, but he does want to see that you have something you’re serious about shooting for (and that you’re taking steps towards it now, rather than ‘maybe someday’).

4. She’s Talks A LOT About People Who Have Hurt/Damaged Her

The Broken Woman has been hurt, and it’s everyone else’s fault.

She makes excuses for her behaviour and talks a lot about all the culprits who are responsible for her erratic emotions.

She’ll usually bring this up as a defence mechanism any time she gets called out on bad behaviour too. (I’ve had this, it’s exhausting. It’s ok a little in the beginning when you are breaking down barriers with each other and establishing trust, but it gets tiring when someone starts self-sabotaging and it keeps coming back to problems from the past).

5. She Looks To Him To Be Her ‘Emotional Repairman’

Broken Women like to bring someone else into their baggage so that they can help carry it.

That means a guy gets dumped on with all kinds of responsibilities and becomes her crutch to lean on (even if he hasn’t known her that long). After that the guy quickly realizes this relationship is going to mean a ton of repair work and makes rapid plans to exit while he still can.

Trust me, whatever Coldplay say, he’s not going to try to fix you.

6. She Instantly Demands A Lot Of Unwarranted Attention, Reassurance, And Love

One classic Broken Woman behaviour is trying to move things forward WAY too quickly, usually because she is needy and seeks out emotional validation to make her feel whole – something she doesn’t feel on her own.

This kind of neediness sucks the life and energy out of a guy, especially when she’s asking him if she’s the only girl for him and it’s only the first month of dating.

Most guys don’t want to be nursing baby birds back to life. They want a woman who is going to help them soar like a majestic eagle into the golden horizon (Bette Midler sung about being the “Wind Beneath My Wings” for a reason).

The single guys I know aren’t looking for a girlfriend so that they can take on an extra responsibility. They are looking for someone who is bringing excitement and fun into their world. Responsibility, of course, comes in later, but if the balance feels too much tipped in favour of a lot of arduous effort and emotional surgery, he’s going to only associate more commitment with pain (usually this is the point where he feeds her the line: “I’m just looking to have fun right now”).

And if you happen to spot the male equivalent, the Wounded Soldier, come stalking around and looking at you to repair all of his broken views about women, unless you’re going to be charging by the hour, give him the number of a good therapist instead.

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46 Responses to 6 Signs You Suffer From ‘Broken Woman’ Syndrome

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  1. Larry says:

    I think extremely resentful and paranoid people do not make good partners at all and should seek help before entering a relationship but I’ve never really understood how some degree of neediness is bad in a relationship. Being in a relationship implies that there is a need. If there is no need then there is no point to a relationship. Every man and every woman has emotional voids and a need for physical intimacy. When a relationship ends these are always the things that are missed the most. As long as both people are thinking about each others needs and each others happiness it’s not a crime to look to one another for help. That’s what a relationship is for. Woman are all incredibly needy both in terms of the time they demand of you and the emotional investment. I have no problem with this. If anyone is looking for a woman that does not have at least two or more of the things on this list then you are looking for a woman who does not exist.

  2. wantingsomethingdifferent says:

    I am a man. And I came upon this site because I googled why do I always find broken women. Here is my deal I have been married twice. Once at a very young age because I got her pregnant and the other because a woman actually believed in me. The 2nd wife was the best, and I built a successful company an got my life, finances etc together. But then she slipped away. Since then I have had numerous relationships with women. But reflecting back, they are all severely damaged. Either through horrendous childhood experiences, abuse etc. I in our relationship with these other women, somehow take on the task of showing them their self worth, that I love then for who they are an encourage them to grow and move past the pain, and mental blocks. Some of these women I went on to new careers and business’s that they never thought possible, but then they move on like I was just a blimp on the radar… I honestly at times feel like I will always be alone, and that my sole purpose on this planet is to try and fix the really broken ones. I’m not a beta male either, this is what at times drives me to the point of insanity, I know and have been told a million times over I’m good looking, I’m successful, yet when I’m just happy being single and dating, these women somehow show up in my life. WTF signals am I putting out? Can someone please please please tell me what is going on here.

  3. LV says:

    I was once called a “Broken Woman” because they believe every broken promise they hear, and don’t let it go. To me that was just a cop out of trying to telling me he was lying all the yrs we lived together of loving me and wanting me to marry him. He had said it a lot, he has since passed away, & I still have no clue how he died. All i know is that his family was mad at me & he did have previously a few months back had a heart attack & 25 yrs ago had a quadruple bypass. I only lived with him 2 yrs, but the first yr i feel in deep love with him. He was so fun, and was so giving and then all of a sudden he changed, blaming me for everything, and for killing his dream. In the end that was one of his last sentences about a broken woman, maybe he was right, he did say he didn’t want me anymore, i had surgery 300 miles away in a great hosp & was leaving him as soon as I healed but only saw him once got only some of my things, i still felt there was something there & he said also he was still attracted to me, but didn’t want me to stay and come back in a couple of wks to get the rest. The next phone call i got was that ….. passed away last nite. That was in August & to present i’m greiving his death so much, because i’ll never know what happened, did his emotions of hate toward me in the end kill him or was it that he hated that he still loved me, or never loved me at all and was just there as something for the moment. Now I feel like a broken woman, the shock of his death, never knowing the real truth, still loving him, and a lot of guilt with lack of much support, losing him, losing my apt and all my material things, living in a war zone with a friend but it’s a very temporary basis, and have to leave by next week, the only two beautiful creatures i have left are my cats and one is very sick now he has been thru a lot of trauma also with this, i would definately call what’s happening now a broken woman’s syndrome not when he said it, i only think that was he definition because he was trying to make an excuse for the lies he told me of his broken promises of loving me and wanting to marry me among many other promises that were lies or broken. Tk u

  4. Ashleigh says:

    I have certainly been this woman. At present I am the most “damaged” I have ever been but also in control of my life for the first time as I am 24 and have made the decision to stop binge drinking/cut down hugely on my alcohol consumption. Yes it has killed my social life but that is fine. I’m healing from a year of trauma. I am dating a man but am very distant. Not revealing much about myself and not opening up much vulnerability. I am aware that he is seeing other women and I am ok with it because I can’t give him everything right now. It wouldn’t be right. It would be too easy for me to expect someone to fix and take care of me. I am very codependant. I need to fight it consciously.

    • Kathy says:

      Have you ever read any Codependent No More? It’s my second Bible. The daily devotionals are awesome as well. On amazon you can pick them up for gently used about 4.00 Melody Beattie .She is awesome. Check here out for your well being. Peace and love to you my friend.

  5. Samin says:

    Wow! This sucks so bad!… And I just realized I know a handful of these women. How do I make sure I won’t end up being one? Seriously, this scared me!

  6. kira says:

    I have some of these qualities. I feel overwhelmed and sad most of the time and I wished for a long time that someone would come along and change all that. Now I know it won’t happen that way. But man it is hard to pick myself up from this place.

    • Jen says:

      I have always been this woman. I’m almost 38, my longest relationship has been 2 years. I got pregnant at 22, and not one individual has looked at me seriously since. I have been sad my entire life (multiple abandonments, starting with my father at 18 months old), and have always been waiting for a partner who sees who I really am, and wants to see me shine.
      If you are in your teens or your twenties, please get therapy, or do something to turn your life around.
      I have missed all my chances at love, and now I’m too old to attract anyone, and can’t really offer the prospect of more children either.
      It’s brutal and impossible to try to accept that youth is gone, and you really will end up alone.

  7. nina says:

    How to fly:

    1. Stop talking like your best days are behind you
    Start making plans again. “Dreams don’t work unless you do!” “It’s NEVER to late for change.” – I know all of these are easier said than done. Especially when you just went through an (unwanted) break-up or your whole life changed because you lost your job, BUT after a few weeks (3, 3 weeks is ok – grab your favorite sweets, get on the couch and make the most of it) you have to restore yourself. Make new friends, set new goals, try to find something that motivates you. Or short: challenge yourself a little bit more every day!

    2. Having successful friends is ok, BUT

    don’t bring it up all the time. Even if you do think they are amazing and what they do is so much more important than your job – there is always another side to the medal. You are on this date and this person wants to know more about YOU! No matter how far away your dreams may seem – a passionate description of the way always paints a beautiful picture!

    3. If you mastered part 1 and 2 showing a “driven spark” should be no problem.

    4. There is a right time for every story.

    Of course your new love interest wants to know how you became the person you are today – but not all at once. And not on the first, second or third date. Be honest, but be paitient as well. YOU (yes you – not him) have to built a net before it can catch you. Love, trust and respect take time and guess what: your messed up past will still be there 6 months into the relation-ship. I know that sounds harsh but I’ve been there, done that.
    Plus: If you know better – start to do better. There is no use in falling back into old patterns just because someone (unconsciously)pushed your buttons. You don’t want to let your past ruin your future! If you have to – go see a therapist, there is nothing wrong with getting help from somebody who is actually capable of providing it.

    5. There is no such thing as a “Repairman”.

    You know the one person who should – and once the love has been built – will always love you? YOU! Start to take care of yourself today! No there is no Mr. Right waiting to tell you all the things you always wanted to know about yourself because guess what – nobody knows yourself better than you do! Only you can save yourself. Isn’t that the best thing ever? You don’t need to look out for that one guy because you don’t need a singe one of them to get happy and healthy!
    (And you should not start dating if you can’t be happy & healthy on your own.)

    6. Take one step at a time.

    You can’t turn back the hands of time. If you feel like you need to be rescued go back to step 5. And if (even worse) you feel like the world (and all the men in it) owe you something for the pain & heartache you’ve been through keep reading, because surprise: they don’t. BUT once you built a loving and trusting relation-ship and you let them know about your past they will admire you. Not because of what happened to you but because you did not let yourself down! They will look at you with appreciation and respect, they will ask you for advice in their darkest of hours and your example will inspire their actions!

    Be your own lovers ladies – and not only will you rise from the ashes but you will fly to heights you’ve never known.

    P.S. Please excuse my english – it’s freakin late over here in germany.

  8. Nancy says:

    How do I become the “unbroken” woman?

  9. kiki says:

    Oh..no…I did everything. May be it was a cause he said I am not looking for relationships rightnow to me. Now he is in relationship with a girl who did ok to have relationships at the beginning. Now they are happy together. I was so unsure that I would be use until turn myself to be unattractive.

  10. Betty says:

    Funny…
    I’ve been going out with a man for a year and he behaves exactly like this. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with the whole thing, why I felt as if I was taken advantage of and treated as his second mother… I guess you’ve just given me the answer.

  11. JJ says:

    Why write this article without giving a solution in each of the 6 Signs?….All you do is point out human flaws.

  12. Kelly says:

    I have gone on a few dates with a man that fits every one of these signs.

  13. Robyn says:

    I see signs of myself in number 6. Usually around the 5-6 week mark. At one point is it being needy vs. wasting too much time with the wrong guy. At what point (2 months, 3 months) should the woman have an idea of where things are going? Elsewhere on this site, I see that if you wait until 6 months, you have waited too long.

  14. Alicia says:

    This made me feel a million times worse .. yes there is some hard truth for me in here, but without pointing out how a broken woman can heal and be better, all you are doing is kicking someone who is already wounded !

    And pointing out what has went wrong, made us the way we are is not just dwelling, it also comes from a great desire to be really seen and understood.

  15. Heather says:

    If this is not your writing, then you need to preface it, with an introduction as to why you’re sharing it. Just posting something that isn’t your writing – without quoting/referencing it, is not appropriate.

  16. Nelli says:

    Unhealthy soul ties are often the ramifications of having partners that you create a life long bond with through a sexual encounter(s) but with whom you only have a short term relationship with. The bond (soul tie) remains long after the relationship is over leaving both sexual partners longing for wholeness.

    Here are three reasons why unhealthy ‪#‎soul‬ ties take place are;

    1- people are misinformed and therefore are convinced that sex is strictly a single-dimensional, physical act with no emotional or spiritual connections. Yet after sex they find themselves mysterious longing for the person they may not even like.

    2- a person (usually the woman) gives them self sexually to someone expecting that the intensely intimate act of intercourse would create a bond that would lead to deeper levels of commitment in their relationship. But soon they discover that their sexual partner was taking advantage of their need for intimacy and used their vulnerability to get laid. Of course, this leads to a person being emotional and spiritually bonded to somebody they deeply resent!

    3- two people commit to marriage and therefore surmise that the covenant vows are only a formality. So they live together and enjoy a sexual relationship outside of a life long commitment. But later they decide (for whatever reason) that they don’t want to live in a covenant relationship and eventually breakup. They usually don’t realize how deeply they have wounded each out as their souls are ripped apart tearing the very fabric of their being in the separation.

    I understand that their are 100s of other reasons why unhealthy soul ties take place but I am simply trying to give you a few examples.

    We will discuss breaking these unhealthy soul ties in my next post

    by Kris Vallotton

    • Heather says:

      “We will discuss breaking these unhealthy soul ties in my next post.”

      This is not your blog. Kindly peddle your mischievous bullshit some place else.

      • Nelli says:

        Sorry didn’t mean to offend anyone or ´or intended to use comments as own platform. Just thought it would be helpful in terms of brokenness since the blog post is about this subject.

        • Heather says:

          Sure you did. By posting a sermon from your leader – a Mr Kris Vallotton (who runs a religious outfit, by the looks of it), not only are you not contributing to the discussion, you’re using it sell your own agenda.

          The women on here are not ‘broken’; the many thousands of women who listen to and support the Hussey team are not ‘unhealthy souls’. You’ve crashed the wrong party.

          • Nelli says:

            I understand that you are angry about it and I regret reposting it. And I am really sorry for that. I didn´t crash ANY party cause i follow Matthews posts for some years now and I really love and respect him.

  17. Kate says:

    I can honestly say I’m currently this woman. I went through a bad breakup over a year ago and actually tried to make things work again before things ultimately just fell apart again. I’m not currently dating anyone but I’m trying to get myself back out there and date other people and not have so many negative behaviors. I know it will take time and that I have to be patient. This article honestly helped though. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy because of these behaviors that I have but it is nice to be reassured that I’m not alone and that I won’t be this way forever if I honestly put effort forth to make a change.

  18. Mesha says:

    If he has already seen his girl in this way. And very negative and needy. So he kind of puled himself away and disconnected himself from a lot of things that have to do with her. But she has now changed, how may she go about letting him notice the change?

  19. Sarah G. says:

    Hi Matt,
    I didn’t like your last video. I thought you were a bit judgy, sorry to say. Some people have real illnesses regarding insects for example or closed spaces. There are phobias and a genuinely caring person would work through that.

    Being crazy is never a bad thing. Do not use that as a derogatory term. People can be termed crazy:) as it out of the box. But please do not insult those people because people suffering from severe depression or paranoia or psychiatric illnesses deserve compassion. They may not be good enough for you as a dating partner but they deserve compassion (as would deserve a diagnosis of cancer or any other medical illness). There is essentially no difference in how we should view mental vs medical illness, and I assure you mental illness is 100 times worse in my opinion.

    By the way, since you enjoy tea so much – thought you might want to read her bio:

    http://everafterhigh.wikia.com/wiki/Madeline_Hatter

    Ciao
    Sarah G.

  20. Annabelle Anfrie says:

    Your article is very interesting and I usually completely agree with you GTG. But let face it, most people look for the other one, the loved one as the one who’s going to complete them. They want to fill a void with everything the other one can bring. And it’s ok, because we’re all looking for a balance in life and looking for the one who’s going to be the perfect match with all our bumps and holes, if I may say so. And it’s ok, as long as you are in the relationship that you need or want at the time in your life. The important thing is to get into the relationship that is right “for you”. I mean I’ve learned so much about my previous relationships, good or bad, about the other one and most of all about myself. And we definitely don’t all look for the same thing in a relationship. There’s as many ways to love that there are couples. If you’re a broken woman you’ll probably find a guy who’ll want to be the other side of the coin. In that story you told, I was the one who actually tryed to fix the broken soldier (and well, it did’nt work very well to be honest). But I don’t regret it. This is your life, make mistakes, do it again just to make sure it really was a mistake the first time, and move on.

  21. A. says:

    It can take years to really sort one’s self out. I honestly thought that a partner, like a friend, would be there during difficult times. I know, I know you can’t emotionally prop someone up constantly, but there is a fine line between that and support sometimes.

    So I guess it means years spent alone. Which is actually okay. I am surprised by your posts sometimes, Stephen. Sometimes I feel like the woman you describe men as wanting to be is honestly the woman I am best being when I’m by myself.

    My best days are actually right now and ahead of me. But they may remain mine alone! And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. :-)

  22. Kerry says:

    So true. I’m going through a bad stage of depression right now and there’s a guy who wants to take me out. I know I’m not in a good place emotionally so I’ve told him we can only be friends. I’ve learned by now that when you feel low, the temptation is for someone to soothe you but that is NOT going to get you a happy, fun & healthy relationship

  23. Sehar says:

    You know a lot of these appear to be signs of depression and other serious issues. i do agree that no one is obligated to put up with someone else’s precarious mental state but to say “these people are broken. run far far away” is doing more harm in my opinion. it’s spreading the idea that it’s okay to be insensitive to people who have emotional problems. Honestly it’s quite possible to safeguard yourself AND be sensitive towards others people. They’re not mutually exclusive.

    • Jill says:

      At the same time there’s only so much one can do. It’s important to seek professional help and follow whatever advice the pro gives otherwise it will continue to mess with any relationship you attempt to get into.

      • Sehar says:

        I do agree. Mental and emotional problems definitely make relationships difficult if not impossible. It is important to deal with them first before forming new relationships. And the key to that is being kind to yourself.

  24. AspieCatholicgirl says:

    Also unpleasant for friendships. I’ve had friends who had this syndrome, and it was emotionally draining.

  25. Essex says:

    I think we are all guilty of some of these traits after a break up. After my 23 year marriage ended I went through a period of feeling a victim & probably showed many of these traits.

    The answer for me (not saying it’s for everyone) was not to date & just focus on me for a while, it’s been nearly 3 years since my marriage ended & I’ve not even attempted to go on a date, but I’ve had a blast (& a few wobbly moments which required a few Vinos to get me through it!).

    I now have my shit together & both my wings fixed by me. I’m now ready to fly & have fun!

    Great blog x

  26. Sarah says:

    The question is how to get over feeling this way- it’s a vicious cycle of feeling unattractive and being unable to attract men..

    Help and thank you!

    • Heather says:

      Hi Sarah, I don’t want to preempt Stephen here but I can offer some of my personal experience.

      The first thing is to recognise your bahaviour. Importantly, take note of when you’re doing it and what you core desire is – what do you really want from this person? Is it kindness, acknowledgment, acceptance? Try to feel it out. A really good therapist whom I worked with (Ane Axford – she’s on FB) talks about ‘leaning into the discomfort of the emotion’ and I found that it really helped to actually imagine myself leaning into and feeling the loneliness/shame/anxiety. What happens is that by accepting the emotion and fully experiencing it, we feel better. The emotion you’re feeling is trying to tell you something – it’s a form of intelligence. Hear it, acknowledge it and just sit with it, until it lifts. (Or, go for a walk, ride your bike – move your body.)

      Once you get better at this – it’s a muscle, you will notice that you don’t need others to reassure you in the way that you may have been (trying to coerce). You’ll stop needing attention from others to help drown out the noise of emotion going on inside you.

      For years, I struggled. I can’t tell you how hard I found living life, but practicing this, every time I felt these familiar pangs, I noticed two things happening: by recognising and accepting the emotion I was experiencing, I was able to manage my reactions, recovering more quickly. It helped knowing that what I needed from others, I already had, within me. Secondly, I became much, much better at recognising other peoples emotional needs which curiously made me a better friend – that’s the thing that surprised me. Once I was being kind to myself, it was easier to show kindness to others. It wasn’t easy to start with it – facing fear head on, is daunting, but it gets easier, quickly. I promise.

      (I’m sorry it’s such a long reply!)

      • kira says:

        No don’t apologize. This is good advice. Something I have been meaning to try in my own life. Never apologize for sharing something that may have potential value to others. Just this morning I was crying because “my boss was going to yell at me, my mom was going to be angry” but really I’ve just been feeling unappreciated and unloved and it feels like nobody is happy with me and it breaks my heart. And I asked myself, what do I want from these people and it’s simple, I just want to be accepted for where I’m at right now and I just want to be appreciated a little more. However, I realize how difficult I make that. I am not an easy person to love but I am trying to change that. I want to be a better, stronger person but most of the time I just feel weak. But I drag myself forward no matter how hurt I feel. I go in there with fear in my heart and on the brink of tears on the hope that maybe just maybe I will succeed.

    • Vavavoom says:

      On the lines of Matthews latest video here’s my idea, you decide whether it’s crazy or quirky: try a physical activity that is outside of your comfort zone. In terms of feeling attractive a polefitness/dance class might be a good fit. You will get in touch with your self as an attractive woman, learning how to move sexy, learn a new skill set for your bow as a girlfriend and definately be competition against those great friends of yours, no need for name-dropping as Stephen was taklking about.

      This is obviously not the big dr. phil “authentic self-discovery”-advice, but that’s what’s great about it – this is more appliable. Try google ‘pole fitness’ and the name of your city and see what comes up.

      I think this could really help you feel more attractive as you said you didn’t. Once one knows oneself/experience oneself as a sexually attractive being OUTSIDE of the loving arms of a man, one won’t need his approval of being good enough/sexy enough. You’ll know by your own experience that you are! I think you will have that glimt in your eyes that says “I know something sexy about me” (the same that happens when you wear matching lingerie under your clothes) and guys will pick up on that.

      If you want you can extend this to using the skills in the bedroom, once they find out that you got a few pole moves, they’ll find you refreshingly sexy in a way all guys want, but few girls dare to even try. Whether you do this though is irrelevant to my idea, my idea is really just to try a pole fitness class just for your own sake and experience, not as a show for him to enjoy – though it would be a good string to your girlfriendbow.

      • Vavavoom says:

        sorry about the length of that… wow… shock everytime :S

      • Heather says:

        Excellent advice Vavavoom.

        A friend of mine joined a Burlesque class for this precise reason and not only did she love it, she also made new friends – nothing quite as bonding as dancing in the nude with a bunch of other girls, huh? In any case, doing things just because we love it is what makes people interesting and sexy. All the good stuff happens in the doing, so there’s no need to worry about the outcome – the outcome will take care of itself.

        Anyway – I’ll just say it: I think my response was the perfect example of the saying ‘when you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail’… (I know, I’ll let myself out.)

        • Kathryn says:

          Heather, I like reading your replies, however long they might be.

          Do we want a potential first date to think we actually do charge by the hour. Playful and flirtatious to begin with?! x

          • Heather says:

            Thank you, Kathryn! I appreciate yours, too. x

            In response, I think there’s more than one way to play this. Although I recongise the wisdom in Miss V’s advice, I also have a friend who did pole dancing lessons and would use the information as a flirting hook until one day, she met a guy at a random house party, who called her up on it. He asked her flat out, why she was hiding behind such a ploy and she was shocked. I guess, that first night, ‘shit got real’, between them and, four years on, they’re getting married in September.

            Of course, it doesn’t hurt that she’s very attractive (and heir to a multi-billion pound family business – seriously), but it goes to show that it’s ‘being in the game’, so to speak, that really matters. Going out, showing up etc. is where it all goes on. And this guy who she’s marrying? He’s not her usual ‘type’ (raised by a single Mother, ex military etc.) but wow, he is something. She got lucky and she knows it.

  27. Heather says:

    Another well observed piece that needed to be written.

    I recognise a little of myself in this. Well, my old self. At the time, I didn’t realise what it felt like to be on the receiving end of something like this (a kind of manipulation) but it was both confusing and hurtful when, instead of bringing people closer, it actually drove them away. And it wasn’t just men, it was female friends, too. It took me YEARS to connect the dots via quiet observations of others doing it to me, that I was able to see how destructive it was, and slowly, grow my way out of it.

    The problem is that I’ve seem to have gone the other way. I’m more comfortable listing to and talking about other people’s lives; not trusting myself to share much, in case I become a burden. I’ve long deliberated on this until your response to a comment I left on a previous post, about how ‘being playful and not caring too much about how I’m perceived’ as being an attractive way in to conversations and relationships. (I read your comment a few times, in wonder at how you’d reduced something that had eluded me for years, into a sentence.)

    At first, I lamented not having had access to this kind of information, years ago but the truth is, I don’t know that I would have heard it, at the time. Being present at both of Matthew’s London based seminars really made a difference to how easy it was to absorb the information. I’m *seriously* considering going along to the October retreat because it’s not what you and your bother say, it’s HOW you say it, that makes all the difference. (I’m already ‘in’, just working out how to pay for it.)

    It can be embarrassing to see ourselves in such descriptions, but once we see it, everything changes. And so, in many ways, post likes these are an act of love.

    Thank you.

  28. Jen says:

    I love this blog…
    Is there such a thing as being too independent? I am the polar opposite of being vulnerable and needy to the point that my male friends tell me its not me that not wanted, its me that doesn’t want anyone (which isn’t true)…
    This is a battle with myself that I am not winning.

  29. Lorine says:

    Thanks for the insights !!!
    An ex of mine is a wounded soldier and I would often wonder why he would drain me. Thanks for giving it a name ;)

  30. Kathryn Green says:

    I can’t believe you observed all those emotional traits and wrote this amazingly insightful piece. This has been troubling me and I could not put it into words, other than the overriding feeling, I would really have to be charging to see you.

    I have two wounded soldiers who seem to believe I am their emotional, and I don’t like to think what else salvation, even though I actually couldn’t put it any clearer to them that I am most definitely not. They do know this but can’t resist attempting a rescue mission by the odd text or phone call. Even a short text can make you feel your life force draining away and I have to put on my headphones and play a completely life affirming track at full volume to restore my equilibrium.
    So well written Stephen, I’m in awe of your skills,
    Kathryn x

  31. Leecis says:

    OK!! OK! I don’t remember giving you permission to write about me.
    I am working on a lot of this.
    The hardest is to make an adventurous life when you are fighting the
    “MY BEST DAYS ARE BEHIND ME BELIEF” at 52.

    Without a doubt, a great observation. Of course it’s my responsabitly to absorb and take action. Next time please add a word of encouragement.
    Basically all you said was “you need therapy”.
    Wow I feel like I did that ice bucket challenge this morning. OUCH.

    Still love ya guys!

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