Are My Standards For A Guy Too High?

Standards can be a double edged sword.

On one hand they can raise your game, allow you to get the best out of people, and ensure you have the right foundation for a relationship you’re embarking on.

However, they can also be used as a protective shield, preventing you from meeting people you could otherwise have an incredible connection with.

In this video I take you through a 3-step process to determine whether your standards are helping or hindering you, and what to do if it’s the latter.

Question Of The Day: Are you guilty of using ‘standards’ to play it safe? Do you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable again?

42 Responses to Are My Standards For A Guy Too High?

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  1. Jen M says:

    Some people would say my standard are high, but I personally think they are most realistic than high.
    #1. I have to be attracted to you. Can’t be dating a guy that I don’t find attractive. Just wouldn’t work for me.
    #2. Have a job, and actually working toward a long lasting career, and having your own place. (I’m still living with my parents. Apartments are insanely expensive!)
    #3. Have a car
    #4. No drugs. I have met and hung out with MANY stoners, and not a single one of them is willing to be working on a long lasting career or family. If your stoned all the time, your not thinking about the future, your just thinking about weed.
    #4. You have to really want to be with me! I don’t want a man that just has exsuses as to why they don’t want to be with me. And when I mean be with me, I mean for the future to. You have to want to exceed in the future with marriage and a family. And obviously be good to me. I want that guy that’s willing to go to Walmart for me when I’m sick, and get me nightquill and some snacks, come home and run me a hot bath. Because I would do the same for you.
    #5. You treat your mother well. Unless you have a VERY good reason not to, a man always treats his mother like a queen.

    I personally think these standards are very realistic, and think every women should follow them. And don’t settle for ANYONE until you’ve found this guy. I have yet to find him..

  2. Helena says:

    Did Christian Gray from the movie really appeal that much to anybody? He looked like my 18 year old kid – not a turn on.

    And as for the spanking – well, he had the perfect opportunity with the girl over his knee and the so called spanking was pathetic. He needs to watch Elvis Presley in Blue Hawaii. I wont even start on the whipping scene at the end of the movie. That was just plain horrible – and just left me with the idea that such an incompetent man would not be that successful in real life.

    Nope – no desire for Christian Gray in my life.

  3. B.P. says:

    Inspiring video and questions as usual Matt!

    Sometimes I wonder how high is too high – the word “high” is subjective to each person after all. I’d also love to know your opinion on how perfectionism affects people’s standards. Do perfectionists tend to have standards that are too high or harsh because nothing is good enough for them?

    I think my standards are not so high that it’s impossible, but I’d say it’s unique and difficult to find. Rather than looking for a billionare, I want someone who doesn’t chase after money, fame, pleasure or life’s substances. I want someone who value the meaning in life, is environmentally conscious and wants to make the world a better place. It’s a challenging task to find these men when YOLO is the prevalent culture (pleasure-seeking, world-travelling types) in my city. Guess I’ll need to keep finding the right places to meet the right guys.

    That’s it for my little rant – thank again and keep being awesome Matt! :) x

  4. Jane says:

    I’m struggling to know what my standards even are. How are we supposed to know?

  5. Kelly says:

    Sooo true! Great post, Matthew. I figured out recently that this was one of my key problems – not accepting that people are imperfect.

  6. Brita says:

    I understand why you want your videos to be dynamic BUT cutting out your pauses makes them much harder to understand for us non-native english people. I usually have no problems understanding english, but seeing this video made me realize that I use the natural pauses between the sentences to translate and comprehend the meaning.
    I did get it … but had to rewind a little.

  7. A.M. says:

    Dating has become exhausting, and I wonder if other women can relate to what I’m about to say. There’s the feeling you’re constantly maneuvering around someone’s intentions to take something from you. I’ve been meeting men of varying walks of life: students, professionals, artists, photographers, etc., but they all act the same on a first date; they all want to grope and kiss when we’re barely getting to know each other. It kills the attraction when men act so eager, but they don’t see anything wrong with it. I like to move slow, and maybe not even kiss until the second or third date. When I slow things down, they react with genuine confusion as if that means I’m not interested in them. I think it’s because of the “hook up” culture that’s become so common these days. I don’t think my standards are too high. I don’t idealize fictional characters, but the real men out there are making even the most basic gentlemanly traits seem impossible to find.

    • A says:

      I can relate to dating being exhausting. One one hand: it’s great to even have dates to talk about. I have to have gratitude that I’m even meeting men. But on the other hand, unless you really suspend all expectations to have date after date that ends nowhere can be tiring. Even if you enjoy the single date for what it is, a bit later when you look at it as a whole, it is tiring.

      As for the gropy thing, I have the opposite problem where I don’t think I send out enough sexual energy on first dates, especially if we haven’t connected much before the date. Matt says there is a way to flirt and show a guy you’re interested in him sexually, but with boundaries. I have to admit I haven’t mastered this skill. (Despite hearing all of Matt’s good advice.) So no gropy hands for me, but not a lot of second dates at the moment.

      I wish I knew a way to combat the exhaustion. I can only say you’re not the only one!

  8. Marina Casadei says:

    Hi, Matt.

    All the questions you have asked us sounds fair. But you haven’t given us a solution for that.

    I do look for a guy who is loyal, gentle, polite, hardworking, graduated, respectful and he does not have to be a good looking prince, but he does have to attract me physically. These guys do exist, the point is that it seems for me that guys only want girls who are easy games – by the way, a guy told me that once. Well, I don’t play games at all. The way I am – modern, independent, knowing how to build my life – scare guys and I am aware of that. Still, I am not willing to change.

    So, I would say that what I am really looking for is a guy who accepts me the way I am.

    I love you, Matt! You have helped me a lot when it comes to understand the male’s mind. Thank you for that. But I must say you don’t answer all the questions.

  9. Erika Browell says:

    I really have high standards, but ironically always end up settling, even if that was not my initial plan. I had my 4th break up spanning a 5 year period and well I am wondering why the man I attract all fall short of what I desire. Perhaps my ideal is as needle in the haystack as Christian Grey example in your video. I just do not see myself networking up the socioeconomic ladder to meet a man with strong character (mainly integrity and humility), a strong head on his shoulders, good sense of personal style, a man willing to go the distance for a relationship as I am, and a heart of gold. In addition, I have a hypersensitive nose and find most people’s personal body odor to be offensive. This makes things tough because that means there are much fewer men that I can date, unless of course I indefinitely plug my nose. haha Silly problem, but it really affects my attraction to people. If it is not bad breath, it is someone’s scent as well. Almost every friend I have smells terrible as well. I never knew my nose could torture me like this, but it is what it is.

    • Marina Casadei says:

      Hello, Erika!

      Where do you live?? I think culture influences your issue.

      Well, in Brazil, guys smell really good (bath, perfum in the right proportion, teeth brushed). The problem here is to find a guy who doesn’t cheat on you (but there are some good guys around).

      See ya!!

  10. Camill says:

    The man with all one’s criteria is normally possible, but it’s a matter of probability.

  11. Ashley says:

    Can you talk about when it’s a good time to tell someone something not so desireable about yourself. I have lost a lot of weight and so I have some loose skin, but I don’t feel as though I should discuss that on the first date, but it also shouldn’t be a surprise to the other person once you’re intimate. How do you broach topics like that?

    • Camill says:

      I’ve heard it’s a matter of trial and error. Bring it up on the third date, or later, if you find it to be too soon from experience. If the matter for someone else is having a kid, I’ve heard it recommended to bring it up on the first date because it’s a big thing.

    • Brita says:

      Just say it when it comes naturally. Nothing is more attractive than honesty!

  12. Cathy says:

    For a lot of my life, I have tended to go for the men who wouldn’t reject me. And the friends who wouldn’t reject me. And the jobs where the people wouldn’t reject me. This has left me safe but bored. I have been too unsure of myself to really go after what I wanted. Matt, I am so looking forward to your Lifestyle Retreat and working on my core confidence. In the meantime, your videos help me grow and stretch a little further outside of my comfort zone every day. Thank you!

  13. Talitha says:

    I’ve been told my ‘standards’ are impossible by girl friends before.

    However I have met, and been in love with, men who met all of them in the past.

    None of my requirements are related to looks, money or careers in any way. They are all behaviors or personality traits.

    I think you have to understand why and how to be flexible though. EG: I need someone who is tidy, but if I see a guy is messy, I’m willing to express that tidiness is important to me and give him a chance to change.

  14. lisa A says:

    Hi!! I adore your energy as always! I am 29 and find that what you said sounds like a few of my friends I met someone off of just when i was starting to give up! more more Matt you inspire!

  15. Mari says:

    I am disappointed in you, Matthew. You made a 50 Shades of Grey reference. Tsk tsk tsk. I thought you’d be way above that.


    Nice bracelet, though! Hughs!!!

  16. Katharine says:

    Christian Grey? Maladjusted narcissist.

    My standards are now unrealistic because of you, the unattainable Mr. Matthew Hussey.

  17. Ivana says:

    Good advice. I honestly need to take you in small doses because I need to process everything.

  18. Kerry says:

    Hair looks very good on that Video Matthew

  19. karen says:

    love your videos OH MY GOD you are so good at what you do …. I know its your job but still thank you …

  20. Susanne says:


    Wonderful Matthew Hussey,
    Exellent topic & video! :)

    I feel you really want the best for us :)
    I thank you with all my heart :)

    After reading your blog and watching your video I believe it’s the best to start now :)

    You are a genius! :)
    Looooooooooooove your topic & questions :)

    Ok, I will try to find out which heart connects with mine in the best way :)

    What I know is: the more a man loves LOVE the more attractive he is to me :)
    Because I love LOVE too :)
    After all, LOVE is everything :)

    So in the name of LOVE I will keep on looking straight into his heart :)


    I’ll start asking myself:
    Who IN HEAVEN & ON EARTH (!) loves LOVE as much as I do or at least in a similar way :)
    I’d love to know :)

    & I’ll focus 100% on his heart :)

    Wow Matthew Hussey :)
    Just after reading your blog and watching your video & answering your questions :) I feel much much much better :)
    You are fantastic :)

    The most beautiful thank you to you Matthew :)


    I hope my standards are not too high and that he exists :)

    In the past I said to myself:
    What I know is that I loooooooooove heaven and certain earthly energies are very unattractive to me.

    That’s true.

    But from now on I’ll say:
    What I know is that I looooooooooove heaven and certain earthly energies are very unattractive to me. I’m sure I’ll find somebody who is very attractive :)

    This year I’ll say to myself he exists he exists he exists :)
    and if I’m lucky his heart will connect with mine with lots and lots and lots of LOVE :)

    God bless our love lives :)


    I used to think he does not exist and lost hope :(
    Oh my dear :(
    What did I think in the past :(

    Tonight I’ll do something I never did before:
    I’ll pray to God to bless my love life :) Because this is what I never did before :)
    I always ♥ to pray to God for LOVE & PEACE for everybody on this planet, but I never prayed for my love life :)

    After all,
    God is the only one who knows who exists and who does not exist.

    So instead of focusing on my own thinking of the past I’ll focus on love life prayers and hope to see improvements in future :)


    If Mr Right really appears I hope God can bless Mr Right & me…that we open our hearts in the best way :)

    ♥ Oh what a wonderful evening :) ♥

    Have a nice beautiful day Matthew Hussey and enjoy your evening as well :)

    • Susanne says:

      & since I loooooooooove English as much as my love life I hope I can improve my English as well :) I’ll learn more English vocabulary & learn how to pronounce everything much better :)

      I’ve been learning so much Japanese in the past that it’s a big challenge to speak English-one of the most beautiful languages on this planet by the way :)

      The last time I spoke English I realize it was so difficult to pronounce everything well… Really have to keep practicing :)Speaking & keep writing :)
      Loooooooooove this blog :)

    • Susanne says:

      Matt, you mentioned a billionaire who spanks people.

      If only millionaires and billionaires knew this:
      they’d stop doing that & share as much as they can with the poor :) )

      “Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?

      (Isaiah 58:7)

      Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God
      (Hebrews 13:16)

      And he answered them, “Whoever has two tunics is to share with him who has none, and whoever has food is to do likewise.
      (Luke 3:11)

      ♥ & ♥
      I agree :)
      Focus on the guys’ heart always :)
      Always look straight into his heart always :)

  21. Lau_ra says:

    My whole life I was told by people my standarts are too high and I’ll never find someone (though I never wanted a millionaire or a billionaire). And I tried being realistic, you know: chased emotionally unavailable guys, settled for emotionally abusive guys, ignored red flags just to end up broken hearted, cause you can’t really want from a guy too much, as many of my girlfriends said.
    So here I am, 2 months left till my 31st b-day and I’m single. However what I’ve realised some time ago is that my standarts were not too high (the video just confirmed) – I just failed to live to them, cause opinions of other people on my lovelife were way more important than my knowledge and my gut instinct.

  22. Mavis says:

    Disney standards No – Real Life standards Yes.
    Our intuitive radar gets crushed by guilt over being picky and we can put up with a wrong ‘un for far longer than a man would! Being vulnerable/open to experience is fine if you can act appropriately if/when the alarm bells go off. Being vulnerable and walked over is something else. Find the balance,keep your strength.

  23. Irene says:

    Number 1: Ridiculous and hilarious at the same time!

    Number 2: Not being fussy about meeting new people is easy. Not being fussy about who we want a relationship with is for people who can deal with that. Being fussy doesn’t actually equal avoiding vulnerability, I think. It’s about what happens next! Vulnerability can be shown in different ways and what we show is maybe all we are wiling to show in the beginning at that moment. If that isn’t appriciated, then my question is: when is someone in their way of being enough!

    Number 3: Standards in single life are a good roadmap to figure out what someone is looking for. With every experience we readjust or tighten our standards. That is a good thing! If wanting to build up a relationship though we sometimes need to loosen up a bit. Some of our standards can be, others might be or won’t be met. So, how to deal with that! Create new standards in a relationship that meets both beliefs and still leave room for individual growth. If certain standards that are important aren’t met, then there is always the option to communicate that or the option of leaving. Setting your standards very high in the beginning might be intinidating even if your significant other might meet them, and maybe not in all areas, and it could also put way to much pressure on either both of you or just one person, that however isn’t the healthiest. How about being the best we can be and see how that works out!

  24. Agostinha Jacinto says:

    :) thanks matt..people always saying my stantards are high…but then when i heard what you said…but stantards are fine….! :) Kiss***

  25. rima says:

    hi Matthew,
    i ve never wanted a millionaire, or a billionaire. for me it has never been a matter of too high standards (money, good-looking), maybe that’s the problem.
    point three is very frightening, so you want to say that if i meet only bad people, it is my fault, I push them to be bad for me even if they could be good for others. namely, I am stirring the bad personality in the men I meet.
    don’t make your standards high, but don’t lower them either.
    Apparently, I will never understand the complexity of “getting the guy”. I’d better give up, it is too hard, too subtle.

    • Agostinha Jacinto says:

      i dont think he wanted to say its the women fault…he is saying sometimes there are guys worth it and we dont give them that chance and they dont show their best… but i do unterstand your point…but the diference is, for example the guy its not like you imagine (hottie and funny)and you are not confortable and you start to think i dont want to be here, this is not gonna work..and the guy senses something out and doesnt show that he is kind and warm…not funny but have some qualities too…

    • Carla says:

      Don’t worry – you aren’t turning men bad! I believe Matt’s saying to give them time to impress you, and slowly demand that they meet your standards. He’s more worried that women will have one date with a guy and instantly decide they’re not up to par. If you only date men who don’t meet your standards, then it often because:
      1) you never let them know your standards
      2) you fail to enforce these standards
      3) they know your standards, but don’t care to live up to them.
      Remember, relationships are a team effort. I, for instance, know that I often fail to demand certain standards, but then again, sometimes the guys I date just don’t agree with these standards, don’t feel they’re important and don’t want to incorporate them into their lives. Which means you just have different values. And if your values are way off, then you shouldn’t be with that guy anyway (well, at least not for the long-term), because they won’t fully satisfy your needs.
      So don’t worry! You aren’t destroying good men, lol ;) Good men aren’t destroyed that easily. They’re strong, like daisies! Bounce back quickly, no worries.
      So, sorry to burst your bubble, but no copping out today! Back on that horse ;)

    • rima says:

      Thank you for your comments (replying to me)
      you should be right, but i do not know how to apply what you are saying (and what Matt says).
      “You aren’t destroying good men”, I did not mean to complain the men i met or dated, I am the one to complain. well, not anymore, I’ll never let someone approach me, not even the best one in the world. After all, I am happier alone (no heart pain, no depression, no stress about calling, not calling, does he find me beautiful, why did not he call me, etc…)
      @Agostinha Jacinto,
      You should be right you too Agostinha, but the point is how to give that chance to someone good to reveal his good nature for me? how to attract good people? it is too hard to understand, to apply.

  26. Maya says:

    Matthew i started watching your videos as a method of procrastination (and you’re a hottie). Now I really look forward to them as I’ve noticed they’ve increasingly had more substance and depth to them. I.e. what you said here about defence mechanisms. I like that your bringing more unconscious processes into your arguments, have you been reading psychoanalytic literature by any chance? ;-)

  27. Savannah says:

    I’ve lived my adult life being told by those around me that my standards are too high… But the truth is, I’ve never felt that way. What they see as high standards is more about valuing myself too much to start at the bottom. There’s gotta be a starting point, right? But that starting point doesn’t have to be this guy i’d never picture myself dating for a long time.
    I think I’ve opened myself more recently to exactly what that picture is, because I do think it was too narrow. I have found a few guys that match this picture I have, but strangely enough, when I find them, I worry I don’t live up to their standard. I’m not sure I even know what that means. Maybe I still don’t value myself like I need to, or maybe the picture is still wrong.

  28. Goldberry says:

    So true. I was doing this for years and didn’t realize it was a defense mechanism. It’s not so easy to give people a chance to hurt you, or to change.

  29. E says:

    An incredible post and one which made my ears prick up and my stomach churn just a little bit. I know that I’m picky and my friends and family all chastise me for it but hearing it come from you makes it more real. Any tips on how to quieten the voices that say ‘He’s not this. He’s not that.’? And this armour that we put up, how do we break it down?
    Thanks for the post.

  30. Brie says:

    Yes! I admit, that my standards for meeting a man are far too high. But, I also set the same standards for myself, and my children. In school, I was a Honor Roll Student, and graduated on the Honor Roll. I achieved a Bachelor and Master Degree at the same time. And, achieved two other Master Degrees at the same. Therefore, I feel that I have always offered the best that, I could be. And, I feel that I desire the best of the best. I further believe, that I will kiss numerous frogs, before I kiss a prince.

  31. TC says:

    I’m unapologetically fussy and have been for years. Yes, it is a defense mechanism. Do I think that I use the idea and implementation of standards to disqualify a potential match? It could be possible. I am not ok with being vulnerable if I’m to be honest. I can be engaging, present, generally good company but I have an off switch when it comes to the gushy stuff. I’m at a point where I can only put my best foot forward and not expect much other than meeting a cool new person. That’s my current focus until I feel comfortable enough to lower the shields, so to speak.

    Interesting topic! Good luck on the tour!

    • Carla says:

      Hey! I just want to say that I love your comment, and I completely empathize (well, if I understood it correctly). I frequently feel like it’s difficult to tell if I’m actually interested in someone because I am very open and honest with people, but never vulnerable. In my relationships, I don’t even try to be vulnerable and it’s never asked of me, so I feel like I’ve gone through entire relationships without ever actually disclosing anything important about myself. However, when I do try to divulge this information, my bfs don’t seem to think much of it, so I shy away. Now, though, I’m starting to feel this terrible (or good, perhaps?) disconnect, and it’s as though I’m watching myself be wooed and not feeling a thing. It’s strange, and a little worrisome. But how do you become more vulnerable?

  32. A says:

    I’ve never asked this question! I remember a question you asked and that I taped to my mirror: “Is this enough for you?”

    That was the better question for me and I keep asking it. I think my standards were too low, maybe? Not anymore!

    I have been casting my net wider . . . it’s interesting. Unexpected things in the net. I find it easier to have a narrower net because . . . you make yourself vulnerable to fewer people. Hurts a bit less. You’d think it would matter less with knowing/meeting more people, but nope!

    Good thing I’m resilient. Well . . . more resilient since meeting Matthew Hussey, anyway. :-)

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