Standards can be a double edged sword.
On one hand they can raise your game, allow you to get the best out of people, and ensure you have the right foundation for a relationship you’re embarking on.
However, they can also be used as a protective shield, preventing you from meeting people you could otherwise have an incredible connection with.
In this video I take you through a 3-step process to determine whether your standards are helping or hindering you, and what to do if it’s the latter.
Question Of The Day: Are you guilty of using ‘standards’ to play it safe? Do you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable again?
For a lot of my life, I have tended to go for the men who wouldn’t reject me. And the friends who wouldn’t reject me. And the jobs where the people wouldn’t reject me. This has left me safe but bored. I have been too unsure of myself to really go after what I wanted. Matt, I am so looking forward to your Lifestyle Retreat and working on my core confidence. In the meantime, your videos help me grow and stretch a little further outside of my comfort zone every day. Thank you!
Can you talk about when it’s a good time to tell someone something not so desireable about yourself. I have lost a lot of weight and so I have some loose skin, but I don’t feel as though I should discuss that on the first date, but it also shouldn’t be a surprise to the other person once you’re intimate. How do you broach topics like that?
I’ve heard it’s a matter of trial and error. Bring it up on the third date, or later, if you find it to be too soon from experience. If the matter for someone else is having a kid, I’ve heard it recommended to bring it up on the first date because it’s a big thing.
Just say it when it comes naturally. Nothing is more attractive than honesty!
The man with all one’s criteria is normally possible, but it’s a matter of probability.
I really have high standards, but ironically always end up settling, even if that was not my initial plan. I had my 4th break up spanning a 5 year period and well I am wondering why the man I attract all fall short of what I desire. Perhaps my ideal is as needle in the haystack as Christian Grey example in your video. I just do not see myself networking up the socioeconomic ladder to meet a man with strong character (mainly integrity and humility), a strong head on his shoulders, good sense of personal style, a man willing to go the distance for a relationship as I am, and a heart of gold. In addition, I have a hypersensitive nose and find most people’s personal body odor to be offensive. This makes things tough because that means there are much fewer men that I can date, unless of course I indefinitely plug my nose. haha Silly problem, but it really affects my attraction to people. If it is not bad breath, it is someone’s scent as well. Almost every friend I have smells terrible as well. I never knew my nose could torture me like this, but it is what it is.
Hello, Erika!
Where do you live?? I think culture influences your issue.
Well, in Brazil, guys smell really good (bath, perfum in the right proportion, teeth brushed). The problem here is to find a guy who doesn’t cheat on you (but there are some good guys around).
See ya!!
Hi, Matt.
All the questions you have asked us sounds fair. But you haven’t given us a solution for that.
I do look for a guy who is loyal, gentle, polite, hardworking, graduated, respectful and he does not have to be a good looking prince, but he does have to attract me physically. These guys do exist, the point is that it seems for me that guys only want girls who are easy games – by the way, a guy told me that once. Well, I don’t play games at all. The way I am – modern, independent, knowing how to build my life – scare guys and I am aware of that. Still, I am not willing to change.
So, I would say that what I am really looking for is a guy who accepts me the way I am.
I love you, Matt! You have helped me a lot when it comes to understand the male’s mind. Thank you for that. But I must say you don’t answer all the questions.
Dating has become exhausting, and I wonder if other women can relate to what I’m about to say. There’s the feeling you’re constantly maneuvering around someone’s intentions to take something from you. I’ve been meeting men of varying walks of life: students, professionals, artists, photographers, etc., but they all act the same on a first date; they all want to grope and kiss when we’re barely getting to know each other. It kills the attraction when men act so eager, but they don’t see anything wrong with it. I like to move slow, and maybe not even kiss until the second or third date. When I slow things down, they react with genuine confusion as if that means I’m not interested in them. I think it’s because of the “hook up” culture that’s become so common these days. I don’t think my standards are too high. I don’t idealize fictional characters, but the real men out there are making even the most basic gentlemanly traits seem impossible to find.
I can relate to dating being exhausting. One one hand: it’s great to even have dates to talk about. I have to have gratitude that I’m even meeting men. But on the other hand, unless you really suspend all expectations to have date after date that ends nowhere can be tiring. Even if you enjoy the single date for what it is, a bit later when you look at it as a whole, it is tiring.
As for the gropy thing, I have the opposite problem where I don’t think I send out enough sexual energy on first dates, especially if we haven’t connected much before the date. Matt says there is a way to flirt and show a guy you’re interested in him sexually, but with boundaries. I have to admit I haven’t mastered this skill. (Despite hearing all of Matt’s good advice.) So no gropy hands for me, but not a lot of second dates at the moment.
I wish I knew a way to combat the exhaustion. I can only say you’re not the only one!
Hi
I understand why you want your videos to be dynamic BUT cutting out your pauses makes them much harder to understand for us non-native english people. I usually have no problems understanding english, but seeing this video made me realize that I use the natural pauses between the sentences to translate and comprehend the meaning.
I did get it … but had to rewind a little.
Sooo true! Great post, Matthew. I figured out recently that this was one of my key problems – not accepting that people are imperfect.
I’m struggling to know what my standards even are. How are we supposed to know?
Inspiring video and questions as usual Matt!
Sometimes I wonder how high is too high – the word “high” is subjective to each person after all. I’d also love to know your opinion on how perfectionism affects people’s standards. Do perfectionists tend to have standards that are too high or harsh because nothing is good enough for them?
I think my standards are not so high that it’s impossible, but I’d say it’s unique and difficult to find. Rather than looking for a billionare, I want someone who doesn’t chase after money, fame, pleasure or life’s substances. I want someone who value the meaning in life, is environmentally conscious and wants to make the world a better place. It’s a challenging task to find these men when YOLO is the prevalent culture (pleasure-seeking, world-travelling types) in my city. Guess I’ll need to keep finding the right places to meet the right guys.
That’s it for my little rant – thank again and keep being awesome Matt! :) x
Did Christian Gray from the movie really appeal that much to anybody? He looked like my 18 year old kid – not a turn on.
And as for the spanking – well, he had the perfect opportunity with the girl over his knee and the so called spanking was pathetic. He needs to watch Elvis Presley in Blue Hawaii. I wont even start on the whipping scene at the end of the movie. That was just plain horrible – and just left me with the idea that such an incompetent man would not be that successful in real life.
Nope – no desire for Christian Gray in my life.
Some people would say my standard are high, but I personally think they are most realistic than high.
#1. I have to be attracted to you. Can’t be dating a guy that I don’t find attractive. Just wouldn’t work for me.
#2. Have a job, and actually working toward a long lasting career, and having your own place. (I’m still living with my parents. Apartments are insanely expensive!)
#3. Have a car
#4. No drugs. I have met and hung out with MANY stoners, and not a single one of them is willing to be working on a long lasting career or family. If your stoned all the time, your not thinking about the future, your just thinking about weed.
#4. You have to really want to be with me! I don’t want a man that just has exsuses as to why they don’t want to be with me. And when I mean be with me, I mean for the future to. You have to want to exceed in the future with marriage and a family. And obviously be good to me. I want that guy that’s willing to go to Walmart for me when I’m sick, and get me nightquill and some snacks, come home and run me a hot bath. Because I would do the same for you.
#5. You treat your mother well. Unless you have a VERY good reason not to, a man always treats his mother like a queen.
I personally think these standards are very realistic, and think every women should follow them. And don’t settle for ANYONE until you’ve found this guy. I have yet to find him..