Are You Responding to These Manipulative Behaviors?

Ever found yourself attracted to the wrong person?

Or getting interested – even turned on – by the wrong sort of behavior?

It’s more common than you think. And this pattern will continue if you don’t figure out why you keep responding to these bad behaviors…

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Aubrey Marcus:

Like the neg, for example, is this backhanded compliment that creates a certain sense of insecurity in somebody that you can cure because you’ve caused the pain and then you provide the solution – which is a psychological manipulation that’s black magic for your game, right?

Matthew Hussey:

Yeah.

Aubrey:

That’s strategy, but it’s strategy played without the ethics and without being the person… do you want to be the person that manipulates someone into your bed?

Matthew:

I have several problems with the idea of the neg. Firstly, the neg starts from a place. It starts from the assumption that you’re lower value.

Aubrey:

Yeah.

Matthew:

I need to knock you down so that we’re on the same level. You don’t need to neg someone who’s of the same value as you.

Aubrey:

Yeah.

Matthew:

You already have the neg in a situation where you feel like you’re punching up.

Aubrey:

Which is establishing your lower worth.

Matthew:

You’re already tipping your hand for smart women.

Aubrey:

Yeah.

Matthew:

For smart women, you’re already tipping your hand. A smart, emotionally intelligent person knows immediately, “Oh man, this is an insecure man.”

Aubrey:

Yeah.

Matthew:

“Huh. I don’t want to give any time to this person.” So that’s my first problem, is that it already starts with this assumption that means your confidence isn’t in the right place to begin with. I also think we always have to pay attention – stop paying attention blindly to what works and start paying attention to who it works on.

Aubrey:

Hmm.

Matthew:

I don’t want the woman that a neg works on.

Aubrey:

Yeah. Truth.

Matthew:

I want a kind person who values kindness. The kindness is up there for me. You want to talk about what’s my biggest thing that I want in a relationship? What’s the number one priority for me? It’s finding a kind individual. A kind person does not respond to or respect that behavior. Because it’s not kind. It’s mean.

Aubrey:

Yeah.

Matthew:

It’s just mean. I love playing around with people. I love teasing people. I love banter. But you won’t find me saying a mean comment to someone.

Aubrey:

Sure.

Matthew:

You just won’t. I put money on that. You could spend a whole year with me. You will not find me saying mean shit. It’s not who I am and I don’t want someone in my life who’s driven by that. And so I think the moment you neg someone and it works, you’re in trouble. Because now you –

Aubrey:

Yeah. Either they don’t respect the kindness or they don’t have the awareness. And if they don’t have the awareness of their own and they’re not able to track what’s actually going on, then they might not even have the level of consciousness that you want, to create the relationship that’s going to be virtuous for you anyway.

Matthew:

Precisely. I want the person that recognizes the neg as a mean move and says, “I want no part of this.”

Aubrey:

Yeah.

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

33 Responses to Are You Responding to These Manipulative Behaviors?

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  1. Melisa says:

    Hi .zasto insistiras sa emailima da samo dodjem?????ne razumem ,ja cu ti jos 100000 puta reci nisu samo razlozi da se ne nalazim u tvoj program .Veq sam bolesna fizicki za sada i necu moci sljubavlju i paznjom da slusam sta tvoje preporuke u vezi zivota mog .Nexavisno od toga nadam se da cu biti bolje i prisustvovati tvom retreat programu ,samo cekam da ojacam moj sopstveni fizicki zivot da mogu da izdrzim kontakt sa jludima koje volim i koje se nadam da cu da upoznam do kraja zivota mog .Jedno me stalno zbunjuje je zasto stalno pominjes moj zivota bez muza i dece ,dakle ja sam udata i imam dvoje dece ,nisam nimalo usamljena blizu mi je i veliki broj familije,d takodje isto i drustveni prijatelji su oko mene sta je onda to sto ti u meni vidis usamljenu osobu ,molimte odgovorimi korektno i iskteno .Jer ako da bog da da dodjem , posto zaista zelim da prisustvujem tvom programu zelim da znam da necemo razgovarati i gubiti vreme u nevemu sto nema veze samnom .I nadam se da ne ocekujes nesto od mene ,jer ja nisam nimalo kao ti niti razmisljam niti vodim brige o stvarima za svoju buducnost da bi inspirisala tvoje osobine i ucenost koju ti iskoriscavas za pomoc ostalih zena.Dakle zelim da znas da susret samnom nemoze pomoci nesto exstra ni tebi ,pa ni meni jer imomo drugacije poglefe na svet mozda slicne zelje ali drugacije direkcije .selam aleikum _nezelim date vidham tako umornim sta je to sto te toloko uznemirava kazi pa ako mogu bare recima da ti pomognem.A Ti da pomognes nesto meni treba mi malo vreme da budem spremna da putujem i da mogu da se pridruzim tvom programu sa ostalim zenama,ili mozda vise zelis da dodjem pa da Ti vise vodis brigu o meni dok sam ziva .srdacan pozdrav Mevljuda ,neka te Allah cuva i mene i sve one koje volim pa cak i koje nevolim teskoje gledati nekoga u boli.

  2. Jennie Roberts says:

    I’ve never heard this term before so I went looking for some examples. I totally agree that this is just unkind behaviour but I’m more concerned that it’s a behaviour that seeks to create a power imbalance which is an early red flag for an abusive relationship and future domestic violence. Please be careful.

  3. FELISTUS MUENI MUTINDA says:

    And this is so common than one may think (i’m referring to the neg) (i didn’t know its called that by the way!!) . Actually it is not only in “love” / “relationship” circles only, even in other spheres, like work places for example. A good manager should be able to lead teams of people whether one gifted in an area than him or her, and this is what is expected, When you have a manager who feels juniors are a threat if they perform well, is hell on earth.
    And why do some men use sex to cover that insecurity thing anyway. A man may pursue a lady, not for love, but to sleep with her and if she doesn’t give in, there may be all sorts of unwarranted fights.And if she gives in, the man is secure, you can always guess these words in his mind “as long as i have laid her, i’m ok. By the way, not men alone, even ladies use it, so long as i have slept with him…it does n’t matter. I can be corrected if my observation is not correct. Matt say something about this behavior.
    Always loving these videos.

  4. Elisabeth says:

    Hi Matt,

    I have been listening to your weekly videos for the past two years now and have bought a few of your programs. I really appreciate your work, but I have to say I am very surprised and disappointed by this content – I find it offensive. I agree with the fact that using the neg shows low self esteem, but to say that this strategy could not work on a smart women, or a high value women, is incorrect and insensitive. Smart manipulative man know your weak spots. From my experience, this strategy often occurs after a long time you know the guy, and your feelings (and trust built) toward him make you more vulnerable to his strategy, or less smart as you would call it. Simply put, I think you are blaming the victim here, and that further information should be provided to help your community on this subject.

  5. M says:

    I am totally behind an anti-neg message and I’ve hated it forever. Though I was hoping that women who fall for the tactic wouldn’t be judged so harshly because they fell prey to manipulation, because some men are very skilled at pulling it off quite subtly, since they’ve been using it for decades. I know what a neg is, and I know how to spot one. But the last time someone tried it on me, it happened in a split second before he had moved the conversation to another topic and it took me a half hour and little sobering up to figure out why I felt something was off about the guy. Perhaps women who may have fallen for manipulative tactics might not also be made to feel undesired by men who might treat them better?

  6. Ms. B says:

    So excited to see you working with Aubrey Marcus! I wonder if his lifestyle and Relationship philosophies will begin to be featured more on your site. I greatly enjoy your content, and have found your advice invaluable, but have hoped to one day see more content tailored for those of us who love more expansively than traditionally monogamous coupling allows for. I have found over the years that your methods opened up SO many relationship options that my “champagne problem” of finding a number of desirable, possible relationships became one I had no rush, nor need, to solve. Keep being exceptional, Matthew xx

  7. Notmyrealname says:

    Morning .

    It’s unlike me to comment on content – so firstly I aplogise for being a vampire up until now.

    What you said about kindness resonated so strongly with me Matthew. Honesty and kindness are my highest orders. I know it’s what makes me a beautiful person and I’m f#cking proud of it.

    I separated from my husband because he had turned into a person who thought and acted in angry ways (unfortunately fuelled by long term depression). Don’t get me wrong, he’s a wonderful father, but I reached a point where I was really unhappy living in an unkind environment, nor did I want my 2 boys growing up with that kind of role modelling.

    I also recently told a man I fell in love with that I wasn’t willing to give anymore because there wasn’t mutual respect in our relationship. Another man who started struggling with depression, treated me unkindly out of selfishness, but didn’t want to let me go because he was worried he’d regret losing someone so emotionally intelligent and kind.

    I’ve done a lot of crying over the past 12 months, and the thing that keeps me going is the self love of my core values. Matthew your comments about kindness are music to my ears.

    Thank you xo

  8. Ella says:

    The “neg”? Do we have to give cool fancy little names to shitty behaviours? Why does it sound like the 2 of you know the cool lingo when the people the advice is supposed to be given to have never heard of that word (but definitely experienced it)?

  9. Jennifer says:

    It’s easy to spot out the neg and any man that pulls this doesn’t interest me in any way.

    They make it extremely obvious.

    I tell the man straight out, it’s rude and obnoxiously disrespectful & continue my way.

    It all boils down too self esteem & values ladies. Keep your integrity at the forefront at all times and pay attention too the words that are spoken to you. You deserve respect & straightforwardness, not games.

  10. Anne says:

    My comment is not full, don’t know why.
    Just please tell what is neg :)
    Thank you

  11. Anne says:

    Matt, please. Make a vid telling what is the neg.
    With examples :)
    When is neg? I feel it, but I need be sure.
    My ex bad (>look after

  12. Anne says:

    Matt, please. Make a vid telling what is the neg.
    With examples :)
    When is neg? I feel it, but I need be sure.
    My ex bad (>look after<< like"father looking after daughter")".
    (don't ask how I know ;) )
    I was young and I was still unaware of many things. I quickly named it "omg, I feel… co-addicted..??"
    But I didn't even know what that meant. It was bad time, but it showed me what I had to work on and what to change. And that I actually have to change smth.

  13. Bel says:

    Hi Matthew,
    I think this articular is more about intention and personal values matching with your own than it is about behaviour. As one act in itself is not necessarily Manipulative. I would like to give an example from one of your own Videos. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5UXSWLZvsA Technically speaking the flirtation at 2:16 is actually a Neg (which you said above you wouldn’t want a women who could fall for that above). Because it has the intention of making the guy feel slightly disappointed and bring him down by pretending you don’t remember who he is. But then you throw out a complement and make him feel better. However I would also saying that this not nasty or cruel, but if you frequently did this same flirtation over and over to make him feel the same way. Well Yes I would have to say this cruel and unkind. But here it is. It lies in intention communication and respect. I don’t think any skills you learn about people are Manipulative, Its how you chose to use it. In the words of Spiderman “with great power comes great responsibility”

  14. Siphokazi says:

    hey matt

    I am in a relationship that is very toxic,were i am disrespected,not valued neither am i cherished and i have no feelings for him anymore totally my feelings have died for him but now very ti,e i want to break up with him he would always play the blame game with me just because of we have a child and threatening me with it saying very hurtful stuff and he is just draining me emotionally,physically and i have to say this myself that i am in a abusive relationship and i need to set myself free.

  15. Monika says:

    What is “the neg”?

  16. Laura Trcka says:

    Ha! SOOOOO proud of you, Matt! Well done.

  17. Kate says:

    Wow… Matt, I’ve watched countless videos by you.
    But this one got to me.
    Firstly, I like that it’s short. I actually had time to watch it to the end….
    It’s to the point, with some hard hitting facts.
    ‘Smart women recognise an insecure man straight away’.
    This very comment has empowered me to continue what I’m doing in trying to exorcise a narcissist from my life.
    I gave three years to a relationship that spoke of promises of forever. (Not so smart hey).
    He is a Pilot. My ‘Mr Mcdreamy’. The Bond lookalike who played me with physiological mind games about HIMSELF being a victim of relationship abuse and trauma of infertility.
    I forgave his mean ‘neg’ tactics because I thought he just had insecure issues that I could one day save him from.
    I am now having counciling myself to help me stop letting this very clever and manipulative man back into my life.
    I am fairly attractive, I know I am, (I’m modest too).
    And I have lots of friends who love me unconditionally. I should be very sound and confident. But somehow I let this guy drive me deeper into the depths of self doubt, uncertainty, and felt undesirable and even completely unlovable.
    I WANT to be the smart woman who says no to mean men. And this video has helped me massively (and I didn’t even have to pay you for it) .
    I just wanted to say thank you.
    I have no idea if this message will reach you directly . I hope it does.
    You only know of the thousands of women who come to your seminars and comment on your posts (like I am doing tonight), but believe me, you have an army, probably three or four times the size of your voiceful fans who are just quietly watching from afar.
    Your work is untouchable. You feel like an ambassador for emotionally battered women everywhere.
    You’re handsome too. ☺️
    Have a wonderful weekend Matthew.
    Best wishes

  18. Lucy says:

    Such a great post! Would be great to read more about what men learn from the book “The Game”…I’ve come across it before. You can always tell the kind of guy who’s just collecting numbers. It just feels not genuine or too smooth because everything is far too contrived.

  19. Alenka says:

    I would also like an explenation what a neg is? …an example?

  20. Laetitia Cash says:

    HI Matthew – It’s so validating to hear you talk about Negging and I totally catch it when I see it, like when Bill Murray the actor did precisely this to me throughout a friend’s wedding wknd. I just laughed him away knowing full well what he was trying to do – and gave it back to him in a subtle put down kind of way about the usual girls he tries that on and probably don’t have the awareness you’re talking about. Kindness can be matched with lower levels of intelligence but as you say it has a true endearing value of it’s own. But most attractive of all is when someone has the power to get whatever they want through manipulating others but because they hate deception/which is what manipulation really is – they choose openness and kindness to bring another up to their level of understanding rather than another’s emotionally perverse put down methods based on a warped need to constantly uphold their own superiority complex with themselves!

  21. Nissa says:

    Many men use a tactic on myself and other woman on social media where they start an argument to get me or her to notice him. They say something insulting or rude I stand up for myself then they act like they are really sorry and that they have “changed”
    This is a tactic men are using to manipulate woman into noticing them. Men do this because it works on some woman. Once she feels like she’s “changed” him for the better, she wants a relationship with him.
    Very sneaky and it often works particularly on young woman.

  22. D says:

    THANK YOU! I’ve always had a problem with negging – having to give or receive it. It just feels wrong both ways, and is really unnecessary in my opinion. I don’t trust a method and would question the genuineness of the attraction if it felt like I had to make someone like me and vice versa.

  23. Jessica Lorenzo says:

    Hi Matthew,

    Can you give a scenario of what a neg is please ?

  24. Cheri says:

    love this. to have the emotional intelligence and understanding human psychology to see it for what it is . The outer voice betrays the inner voice. I feel as I grow in understanding rituals and practice that I have a different standard but also I see it right away and don’t invest emotional energy into it, Ehich is such a great place to be . It’s like just being very comfortable in my own authenticity. The last time a guy did that I smiled turned away and then said it’s been nice meeting you.
    Maybe I’ll see you around some time …Exit Cheri .

    But I really like how you brought this in so clear and impactful . Your truly amazing with your team .

  25. Lindsey says:

    I have succumbed to that kind of manipulation more times than I’d like to admit in my life. Not only in the dating world, but in all other aspects of my life. It was all I knew from a young age. According to a DISC assessment we took at work, being gullible is noted as one of my weaknesses. While that is definitely true, I don’t see it as a weakness. I see it as a strength because I see the good in others despite their actions or words. This trait has definitely bitten me in the past. It was easy for others with bad intentions to manipulate me playing on my emotions and being able to dig at my confidence due past events in life I hadn’t yet dealt with. This concept brings up all the feels within…maybe if I had the proper training earlier on, I would have seen through it. And nowadays I am more sensitive to picking up on it. I see a lot of people falling into the same trap. And I do believe more awareness needs to be raised on this topic for sure! Because you’re completely right! It’s wrong to do this to someone. And it happens ALL the time.

    However, I feel like this video was a tad bit misleading. I was hoping to see actual examples of manipulation tactics used by people because I know it’s being used on some of my friends now. And I was hoping to be able to send this link to them to help with things they are going through in their relationships.
    But, I’m in agreement with Lee-Anne Brandt’s comment below. Sometimes it’s not always that easy. And after watching this video, it felt less supportive of women who are or who have gone through this kind of manipulation…and more like “I don’t want that kind of women in my life”, “get on my level” which ironically gave me the same feeling I get when I’ve received a back-handed compliment from a guy in a way.
    I know that wasn’t the intention meant here at all. I’m merely offering another perspective on the video content. I truly love, and whole-heartedly believe in all the good work you and your team has been doing. It has helped me tremendously in my life over the past couple years and I am sooooo appreciative of that.

  26. Magica says:

    Could you give a praktikaliteter exempel of the neg pls?

  27. Virginia says:

    The type of guy who uses these methods are taking note from a book called ,” The Game” which was written by some loser named Mystery ( who calls oneself that?! ) who dressed in strange clothes and was altogether just had loser vibes, He encourages men to play games with women in order to “ have game” or manipulate woman. In my opinion only insecure men and woman fall for this tactic.

  28. Md says:

    Thanks for you comments, inspirational! Hey Trying to figure what a neg, conversation or interaction is, if u don’t mind what was your experience like?

  29. Md says:

    What’s a example of a “neg” conversation??

  30. Erin Juhl says:

    Love this. Listening to these conversations recharges my soul. Love hearing from emotionally intelligent people.

  31. Jules says:

    Have just finally clambered out of a relationship that was full of this behaviour and the worst thing is, that I was aware of it but still entertained it. Like my inner me thought ‘this is wrong’ but the outer me was like ‘but if I just do this they’ll like me or if I just do that it’ll change’
    So pathetic reading that back to myself but it’s what I allowed.

  32. Tanja says:

    Exactly! I actually dismissed a guy with this kind of behaviour this past weekend, after knowing him for only two weeks. And Matt, I completely agree with you for not wanting to be with a woman who accepts this kind of behaviour. And yes, kindness is cool! :)

  33. Lee-Anne Brandt says:

    I’ve just watched the video on manipulative behavior. I’m a little hurt by the comment that you wouldn’t want someone in your life that lacks the consciousness to recognize that behaviour. I was married to a man for 20 years. He was manipulative. I didn’t know. The reason I didn’t know was because I believe that everyone is basically good. I didn’t think that someone who claimed to love me would break me down. I thought his behaviour was normal. Don’t judge me for being unconscious. I go into everything from a place of love. I may not recognize the behaviour next time either. You seem like an amazing guy, give a girl a break. She may need it.

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