Ever found yourself attracted to the wrong person?
Or getting interested – even turned on – by the wrong sort of behavior?
It’s more common than you think. And this pattern will continue if you don’t figure out why you keep responding to these bad behaviors…
Recognize Your True Value.
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→ http://www.GetCoreConfidence.com
Aubrey Marcus:
Like the neg, for example, is this backhanded compliment that creates a certain sense of insecurity in somebody that you can cure because you’ve caused the pain and then you provide the solution – which is a psychological manipulation that’s black magic for your game, right?
Matthew Hussey:
Yeah.
Aubrey:
That’s strategy, but it’s strategy played without the ethics and without being the person… do you want to be the person that manipulates someone into your bed?
Matthew:
I have several problems with the idea of the neg. Firstly, the neg starts from a place. It starts from the assumption that you’re lower value.
Aubrey:
Yeah.
Matthew:
I need to knock you down so that we’re on the same level. You don’t need to neg someone who’s of the same value as you.
Aubrey:
Yeah.
Matthew:
You already have the neg in a situation where you feel like you’re punching up.
Aubrey:
Which is establishing your lower worth.
Matthew:
You’re already tipping your hand for smart women.
Aubrey:
Yeah.
Matthew:
For smart women, you’re already tipping your hand. A smart, emotionally intelligent person knows immediately, “Oh man, this is an insecure man.”
Aubrey:
Yeah.
Matthew:
“Huh. I don’t want to give any time to this person.” So that’s my first problem, is that it already starts with this assumption that means your confidence isn’t in the right place to begin with. I also think we always have to pay attention – stop paying attention blindly to what works and start paying attention to who it works on.
Aubrey:
Hmm.
Matthew:
I don’t want the woman that a neg works on.
Aubrey:
Yeah. Truth.
Matthew:
I want a kind person who values kindness. The kindness is up there for me. You want to talk about what’s my biggest thing that I want in a relationship? What’s the number one priority for me? It’s finding a kind individual. A kind person does not respond to or respect that behavior. Because it’s not kind. It’s mean.
Aubrey:
Yeah.
Matthew:
It’s just mean. I love playing around with people. I love teasing people. I love banter. But you won’t find me saying a mean comment to someone.
Aubrey:
Sure.
Matthew:
You just won’t. I put money on that. You could spend a whole year with me. You will not find me saying mean shit. It’s not who I am and I don’t want someone in my life who’s driven by that. And so I think the moment you neg someone and it works, you’re in trouble. Because now you –
Aubrey:
Yeah. Either they don’t respect the kindness or they don’t have the awareness. And if they don’t have the awareness of their own and they’re not able to track what’s actually going on, then they might not even have the level of consciousness that you want, to create the relationship that’s going to be virtuous for you anyway.
Matthew:
Precisely. I want the person that recognizes the neg as a mean move and says, “I want no part of this.”
Aubrey:
Yeah.
Hi Matthew,
I think this articular is more about intention and personal values matching with your own than it is about behaviour. As one act in itself is not necessarily Manipulative. I would like to give an example from one of your own Videos. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5UXSWLZvsA Technically speaking the flirtation at 2:16 is actually a Neg (which you said above you wouldn’t want a women who could fall for that above). Because it has the intention of making the guy feel slightly disappointed and bring him down by pretending you don’t remember who he is. But then you throw out a complement and make him feel better. However I would also saying that this not nasty or cruel, but if you frequently did this same flirtation over and over to make him feel the same way. Well Yes I would have to say this cruel and unkind. But here it is. It lies in intention communication and respect. I don’t think any skills you learn about people are Manipulative, Its how you chose to use it. In the words of Spiderman “with great power comes great responsibility”
Matt, please. Make a vid telling what is the neg.
With examples :)
When is neg? I feel it, but I need be sure.
My ex bad (>look after<< like"father looking after daughter")".
(don't ask how I know ;) )
I was young and I was still unaware of many things. I quickly named it "omg, I feel… co-addicted..??"
But I didn't even know what that meant. It was bad time, but it showed me what I had to work on and what to change. And that I actually have to change smth.
Matt, please. Make a vid telling what is the neg.
With examples :)
When is neg? I feel it, but I need be sure.
My ex bad (>look after
My comment is not full, don’t know why.
Just please tell what is neg :)
Thank you
It’s easy to spot out the neg and any man that pulls this doesn’t interest me in any way.
They make it extremely obvious.
I tell the man straight out, it’s rude and obnoxiously disrespectful & continue my way.
It all boils down too self esteem & values ladies. Keep your integrity at the forefront at all times and pay attention too the words that are spoken to you. You deserve respect & straightforwardness, not games.
The “neg”? Do we have to give cool fancy little names to shitty behaviours? Why does it sound like the 2 of you know the cool lingo when the people the advice is supposed to be given to have never heard of that word (but definitely experienced it)?
Morning .
It’s unlike me to comment on content – so firstly I aplogise for being a vampire up until now.
What you said about kindness resonated so strongly with me Matthew. Honesty and kindness are my highest orders. I know it’s what makes me a beautiful person and I’m f#cking proud of it.
I separated from my husband because he had turned into a person who thought and acted in angry ways (unfortunately fuelled by long term depression). Don’t get me wrong, he’s a wonderful father, but I reached a point where I was really unhappy living in an unkind environment, nor did I want my 2 boys growing up with that kind of role modelling.
I also recently told a man I fell in love with that I wasn’t willing to give anymore because there wasn’t mutual respect in our relationship. Another man who started struggling with depression, treated me unkindly out of selfishness, but didn’t want to let me go because he was worried he’d regret losing someone so emotionally intelligent and kind.
I’ve done a lot of crying over the past 12 months, and the thing that keeps me going is the self love of my core values. Matthew your comments about kindness are music to my ears.
Thank you xo
So excited to see you working with Aubrey Marcus! I wonder if his lifestyle and Relationship philosophies will begin to be featured more on your site. I greatly enjoy your content, and have found your advice invaluable, but have hoped to one day see more content tailored for those of us who love more expansively than traditionally monogamous coupling allows for. I have found over the years that your methods opened up SO many relationship options that my “champagne problem” of finding a number of desirable, possible relationships became one I had no rush, nor need, to solve. Keep being exceptional, Matthew xx
I am totally behind an anti-neg message and I’ve hated it forever. Though I was hoping that women who fall for the tactic wouldn’t be judged so harshly because they fell prey to manipulation, because some men are very skilled at pulling it off quite subtly, since they’ve been using it for decades. I know what a neg is, and I know how to spot one. But the last time someone tried it on me, it happened in a split second before he had moved the conversation to another topic and it took me a half hour and little sobering up to figure out why I felt something was off about the guy. Perhaps women who may have fallen for manipulative tactics might not also be made to feel undesired by men who might treat them better?
Hi Matt,
I have been listening to your weekly videos for the past two years now and have bought a few of your programs. I really appreciate your work, but I have to say I am very surprised and disappointed by this content – I find it offensive. I agree with the fact that using the neg shows low self esteem, but to say that this strategy could not work on a smart women, or a high value women, is incorrect and insensitive. Smart manipulative man know your weak spots. From my experience, this strategy often occurs after a long time you know the guy, and your feelings (and trust built) toward him make you more vulnerable to his strategy, or less smart as you would call it. Simply put, I think you are blaming the victim here, and that further information should be provided to help your community on this subject.
And this is so common than one may think (i’m referring to the neg) (i didn’t know its called that by the way!!) . Actually it is not only in “love” / “relationship” circles only, even in other spheres, like work places for example. A good manager should be able to lead teams of people whether one gifted in an area than him or her, and this is what is expected, When you have a manager who feels juniors are a threat if they perform well, is hell on earth.
And why do some men use sex to cover that insecurity thing anyway. A man may pursue a lady, not for love, but to sleep with her and if she doesn’t give in, there may be all sorts of unwarranted fights.And if she gives in, the man is secure, you can always guess these words in his mind “as long as i have laid her, i’m ok. By the way, not men alone, even ladies use it, so long as i have slept with him…it does n’t matter. I can be corrected if my observation is not correct. Matt say something about this behavior.
Always loving these videos.
I’ve never heard this term before so I went looking for some examples. I totally agree that this is just unkind behaviour but I’m more concerned that it’s a behaviour that seeks to create a power imbalance which is an early red flag for an abusive relationship and future domestic violence. Please be careful.