Here’s a dilemma you might relate to: There’s a guy (who you really like) who’s only in town for short spurts of time. When he is, he always wants to see you and, ahem, “catch up”- with no strings attached.
In this week’s LOVELife… we take a look at this so-called convenient arrangement, and I help you decide what you’re really getting out of the relationship..
12 Replies to “Are You Sleeping With Him for the Right Reasons?”
I can really relate to the situation you describe, and it reliefs me that I no longer have to tell myself the excuse I made up, since you put my real feelings into words. It makes me understand myself better. Now I know what´s actually going on, I can choose to dare greatly rather than continue numbing myself. I read Bréné Brown´s book as well and found it life-changing. I appreciate you mentioning books that are as inspiring as this one. Thanks so much for the epiphany I had after watching this video.
Keep up the great work,
This couldn’t have landed at a more appropriate time. After over a decade of celibacy, I met a guy 3 weeks ago who seemed to want to help me with my hang-ups over not having been with someone for so long. We slept together after 3 dates in 5 days and it was painful emotionally and physically. Much as I kidded myself that it was great to banish my demons to some extent and wonderful to experience intimacy after so long, ultimately I don’t think it was worth it. He disappeared after that date, telling me he wasn’t in a position to date right now, leaving me feeling like some form of conquest, only to come back at a later date to repeat the exercise, but this time leaving me feeling worse than ever and totally ignoring me, in spite of saying how much he had missed me. I thought I was doing what I needed for me, but would agree that I was indulging in a numbing rather than a pleasuring exercise. Sadly, my feelings are not numb and I feel like a total fool for letting someone in who wasn’t genuine and had no respect for me. I think the secret is to ensure I have the right level of respect for myself, to learn from this and not let it happen again.
I liked this video thanks Matthew. First of all these kinds of relationships never last because its not based on love and usually women will be hurt at the end because the guy will not care. Ofcourse the woman will want to have something more serious and he doesn’t. So the best thing to do is to be honest with ourselves like you said Matthew
and respect ourselves enough toleave that person because it’s a toxic relationship that leads nowhere and they
will respect us. Being respected is the most important thing. Thanks Matt :)
I fell into such kind of numbing situation before. It turned out I gave in or compromised a lot of my expectations & standard to a guy in relationship. At the end the relationship didnt last lOng. I felt myself stupid & hurt because I considered sex is the important to me in my confirmation of commitment. Just because of getting rid of loneliness, I surrendered myself.
Now I am seeing a guy for about 2 months. He did ask for sex but this time I am different. I feel I am responsible to myself not to get hurt. It is important to me getting to know this guy & see if he is a boy friend material.
I used your technique & told him honestly. I may consider to have sex if this guy is special for me and I am in a relationship with him. At this stage it is too early for our relationship. He accepted my standard & did not touch my body without my agreement.
Now we are still going out & getting to know each other. Each time I try to take him to do different things with me; so that, he will see different side of me and is busy with me in dancing, going to show, walking the beach & trying new restaurants.
I am happy that he is a nice guy. Frankly if he walked away when I said no sex, I wont regret to let him go. Thanks, Matt.
I am going through EXACTLY THE SAME situation right now. We have been in contact for a while, and he comes to town for business, and I like him so much that i can not even wait to get a message from him every day, but every time we talk about “us” he says, once you move here we can get see each other properly but like this long distance is hard, etc. I also can not get rid of him because he keeps messaging me, and not leaving me alone to move on, and he doesn’t really like to hear me dating other guys. I feel like we are perfect together and for each other, but i am at a point that I don’t see anything happening more than it has, and as you say math unfortunately have to cut it off. Hard, very hard, I agree. Wish there was a third solution for this.. Apart from that, also the question of his intention, since I still not sure if I would really get serious with him if I move..
Oh, Matthew! I wish that all men would think like you do!
I have met a lot of really nice guys but they do not want relationships. Mostly they want just the part thats called – fun. They say that they are not ready for these kind of commitment, they have to enjoy life more and so on. But why can’t we enjoy life together, right?
How i wish I could talk to you in person…. It’s hard to describe situation here, but…
If the guy shearches for me and text me that he wants to meet and talk and so on it makes me feel special for him, even if he doesnt want anything serious that I would like.. yes, i hope that one day he could want relationships(but i do not cry about it).. but I feel great even without that, I have learned to love myself and I let myself to have some fun as well. I do understand that maybe its not the right decision but if i feel great and if i doesnt regret it.. why not? Maybe not each time, but hey.. girls can ask the same from them as well. to satisfy their needs in short term – to give as pleasure. and actually numming is kind of pleasure as well! Because at least once in a month you feel great. So numming is a short time pleasure, just you need to understand that its that and nothing more…
And let’s be honest – it is hard to say NO to this perfect guy! Probably you will feel miserable and regret it. In the life we should never regret what we have done, just the things that we haven’t.
So, Matthew Hussey as you mentioned that you want to hear whats our thoughts on this, so here is mine, Men don’t want women to know is that, almost immediately, they put women into 1 of 2 categories: “good time only” or “worthwhile”, the minute he slides you into that “good time only” category, you’ll almost never come back out. And in this case, if he only calls you when he is in town then, that means he is the only one who’s running the show. If he does, chances are you won’t be headed towards commitment. The solution is, see him as much as he wants to see you, give him as much as he is willing to give. Give a little, and see what comes back, and leave when you don’t get what you want. Cause expressing yourself when he takes you for granted doesn’t work. Walk away, do your own thing, while he is “self-correcting” himself.
Well i hope these all make sense to you.
And If you are signaling him that he can take advantage of you, remember that sex isn’t something you do to reward someone or to a score a relationship. Sex is something you do with a men who already cares about you, is he?
Good video but Im half and half about this, if you know that’s what the other person wants and has asked for a long time and it’s progressing. Why would it be detrimental to do this when you see them which may lead somewhere quicker than over a few months (a year for LDR) of playing games. I’m in this situation but the guy is leading this time and I’m holding back. It’s stressful. I can see the frustration and stress from saying no, it’s not good. Sometimes it’s painful. I don’t want to be the cause of more stress. It’s a two way street. When I have met him he also does things for me or is available etc. now actually he is more available than me ! I don’t always say yes but I can’t always say no. Does that make sense?
Wow, timely advice for me. Just walked away from a relationship with a monthly visitor to my town. I’d come to some of the same conclusions. Then I considered hooking up with my last failed relationship, yes, only for fun. Now I realize I was just numbing the pain and would gain only short term from this liaison. It also keeps me from my goal of finding a long-term real relationship. As always, Thanks Matt!
Been there , done that … now its over. It lasted for years!!! How blind can someone be…
I love your perspective and how you are constantly researching and bringing new info to the table.
“Numbing” vs. “Pleasure”
Great concept. Can apply to so many things.
Thanks for sharing this, Matthew!!
Spot on my good man. Spot on.
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