Forward this on to anyone you know who is in a relationship and could use a pick me up.
We’ve had so many emails in recently from people asking me to do a few videos for people in relationships.
If you’re seeing a guy or you’re in a relationship right now, I want to share something that can make your relationship even more special.
Today’s tip revolves around arguments…
Arguments are always seen as negative, and people often assume that in the early stages of a relationship arguments are a sign of things coming to an end.
Let’s imagine for a second that you’re with your guy and the two of you start arguing.
Immediately emotion comes in that says, “I need to win this argument”. This might be caused by pride, stubbornness and insecurity, and today I want to make sure that we argue from a more mature place (I’ve been guilty of this wanting to ‘win’ myself, which is why I know the topic so well!).
Remember that there’s a difference between winning in an argument, and winning in a relationship.
I want to make sure that you win in the relationship.
The argument is just a battle; the relationship is the war.
Next time you’re in an argument, there are two words that I want you to remember:
I Understand
Sounds obvious – the key to relationships is understanding. But it’s true. When you get to the head of an argument, showing that you understand someone is THE KEY.
You might not agree with someone’s reaction to a situation, but you can acknowledge where their feelings have come from that have lead to their reaction.
Imagine that you’ve done something that’s caused him to feel jealous and to come over and shout at you. You’re annoyed because you feel like he had no right to start shouting at you.
Now, you can disagree with his reaction to shout at you, but try to understand and acknowledge the feeling that the shouting came from.
When you’re empathetic and understand the feeling, people will very often show that they’re sorry and you’ll diffuse an argument.
I want to make our default response to someone’s anger to try and figure out why someone is feeling a certain way before you retaliate. Going on the attack is where you can do serious damage to a relationship.
You’re a team, you want to help each other, and the easiest way to do that is to show that you understand.
Question of the day
I read an article on the Huffington Post recently that couples that argue once a week stand a better chance of staying together. Do you agree with this? Can arguments be a good thing?
Let me know in the comments below. I read every single one, and I’m going to do my best to reply.
See you soon!
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Want more like this?
In my programme The Man Myth I have a whole module dedicated to the male mind. In it you will learn a better way of dealing with jealousy, the kind of game playing that destroys relationships, and how to ‘pre-frame’ a guy’s behaviour before you even get into a relationship. Click here to learn more.
LOVE is suppose to be about all positive affiliations right? Therefore why
Argue? That’s a negative emotion.
At the beginning stages of any relationship, you never hear someone arguing, it’s always about being coupled up, having respect, Infatuated with their habits etc
Therefore to categorise or put this negative action as a ‘good thing’ I disagree.
Compromising is hard in a relationship. Understanding with mutual respect
Is what I thought the whole point of a relationships foundation ought to be.
Arguments are healthy but depends on the level or severity of it! Lil I said
If there’s a solid foundation arguments really shouldn’t play a massive part especially not it being once a week!
P.s- I was wondering if you were single? If not what is your take on your own question???!????????????????????
So arguements can be good because they help solve problems like learning you’re partner doesn’t like it when you leave dirty dishes in the sink. Other kinds of arguements can be very bad. I had a boyfriend who would compare me to othets when we got in a fight. I broke up with him over it.
Same here. I was in a relationship with a guy who compared me to his ex-girlfriend and he actually didn’t understood that he did something wrong. I think that a guy should tell me if he doesn’t like something I do or whatever other problems he feels I have or we have in the relationship he can just talk about it… BUT he should never compare me to his ex. It’s just wrong. Let’s leave the ex OUT of OUR relationship I’d say.
I so agree if a person really appreciates the person they’re with they wouldn’t compare them to others. They would just appreciate a person for who they are.
What if he don´t say sorry??
I don´t think arque helps at all. I rather *Duscuss* the problem. Some guys just DONT understand (or pretend they don´t understand what´s wrong)even though you tell them what´s on your mind. Then it´s really really hard to say ” I understand” cause I really don´t in a situation like that XD which results that we can´t tell eachother about what bothers us and what makes us happy..
Love your videos Matt, you are amazing Xx
Discuss* :D
My parents have been together for 26 years and they bicker ALL THE TIME! Yet I have never heard them have a real explosion about something really important. They argue a about trivial things, discuss crucial things. I think this is interesting because one of the things I have heard is that if a couple never argues, one or both of them are compromising too much. If you disagree with your partner, why should you not tell them that you disagree? It’s good to let them know your view point as it allows them to actually see what your values are and what you’re passionate about!! You ought to be wanting to know everything about each other, even the things that get on your nerves.
I’ve heard people whose parents separated say they didn’t see it coming coz they never argued, but silence in a relationship isn’t ALWAYS golden if it means that you are holding back your opinion. Eventually it leads to resentments or even worse, causes you to lose your own identity in your partner.
yes, arguments are healthy and natural as long as they are not dirty or offencive + reconciliation after an argument is sooo sweeeet x
I believe arguments are a good thing. I believe fighting isn’t. In my one and only pass relationship, one of my biggest faults is I wouldn’t bring up anything that would make me unhappy, even rightfully so, after my ex had done it. I don’t like fighting, and figured he didn’t mean anything by it. But he would do it again, and again (talking to girls I wasn’t comfortable with him talking to, treating me like his house maid,so on and so on) and than I would be like a bottle pop that exploded. I would be come totally incapable of thinking rationally, and even though it was a small thing I was getting mad at him about, it was also about 18 other big things. Than we would both start fighting, taking turns defending ourselves and attacking the other one. And afterwards there were a lot of hurtful things said. Towards the end of the relationship, me even bringing up something small would cause him to verbally attack my feelings about how I was to emotional and such over these small things. I know part of it was I let him get away with anything, and didn’t draw the lines anywhere so he could do as he wished and It had very few repercussions on him, but the other part was our “early” relationship fights didn’t happen for a very long time (we dated for four years) and only after the second year did I start running into the explosive tempers. Than we wouldn’t say anything, no apologies to each other, and no acknowledgement of the actual fight and things would go back to the way they were.
I think fights are mean and hateful, they tend to break peoples hearts and few relationships will mend from those, even if they only start small. Arguments are discussion, perhaps heated, were both parties can understand where the other is coming from and respects their feelings regardless of what they think. Arguments are good, as we are all people and we all live in our own heads and can’t predict how our actions will effect someone else, but allow for communication between both parties and can sometimes come to an agreement on what to do about the situation. While fights are someone refusing to budge, perhaps both parties, and both people will end up hurt and a little bitter afterwards.
Just one question… What if you don’t understand…?
Revealing and very human way of understanding love Matthew, as always.
My name is Fran and I do love trying to define and understand how love works and why is so simply complex.
Since you have been talking about KTG or “KeepingTheGuy´´ there is something missing I´m sure you will be able to talk about. Many of my friends are in that time of life when they have finished university, have their own houses and relationships are an essential part of that circle. Some of them are in relationships with a high level of engagement, or are desperately looking for the person of their dreams. And, when it comes the time of delivering some advice I found a specific question very often. What if the perfect person is waiting for you, you really feel something but you know that you want something else?. Are we talking about denial or a trouble?
Should that person get the guy or safe the conection between a very important person and you?
I´m sure keeping things clear before jumping into the pool of love is a hot topic.
Kind regards.
A fan of love.
Thanks Matt,
for discussing this topic.
Arguments can help to get to know each other better, to see where ones vulnerabilities lie.
When partners argue it’s important to look at the topic that’s argued about and not to take this as an occasion to play the ‘blame game’, or what you you so correctly described the battle-ground of who wins over whom.
I am sorry to say this, yet the competitive mind of most men doesn’t allow for much space to take it a notch higher where they would literally be able to see the dynamics of emotions in play and refrain from ‘wanting to win’.
Most men rather destroy their woman and keep on hurting her because it makes them feel in control; a false belief of mastering that relationship, in my opinion.
It is crucial for partners to possibly start to step outside of themselves and to imagine what their ‘take’ on this whole scenario would be, if they’ imagined two strangers acting out their role at this given moment and then to see what is really happening between the two. This way emotions can be accessed in a more impersonal, less ego-based manner and true understanding of the dynamics could be met.
Arguing can help to deepen a relationship in a positive sense, if both parties involved master arguing in a constructive way, rather coming from a destructive ego-mind of wanting to be right all the time.
There is no ‘right and wrong’, but hurt feelings! Once the love two people feel for each other becomes greater than the love for battle, then ‘yes’ it can be helpful to grow the relationship into a compassionate one where both people also learn about themselves as for what they are willing to let-go that’s ego based in order to dive deeper into love through compassion.
Honestly, arguing can be beneficial to help understand where the other person is coming from. However, too much arguing can cause havoc to the relationship. I’ve dated a guy that I would argue with on a daily basis and it wasn’t healthy. We would argue over the littlest of things, and mean things were said. We didn’t see eye to eye on anything. Thing is too many arguments can be a sign that the two people have very different morals on things. Each time an argument comes up, if there’s name calling, shouting, etc then its disrespect. And it’s so important to have respect for each other in order to be a team.
Well it depends…it can help make a relationship stronger and it can definitely help it grow IF both parties talk it out and not scream and shout at each other. I have a great guy who respects me and when we fight (which happens rarely) and then talk it out it definitely takes the relationship to a whole new better level. And in all cases its just been a misunderstanding! If both parties just stop and listen they will learn how to communicate with one another. Relationships are not perfect at all .. but if there is Constant fighting then its not a healthy relationship and they’re not compatible with one another. It means time to move on!!
i agree because they say what bothers and it’s better than holding everything inside themselfs and eventualy one of them will explose and it will kill they’re relationship.
thats why i think that it’s always better to talk and always express yourself and not hold it :)
Hi Matt, loved the new blog I strongly believe that arguing does help in a relationship.It gives you a chance to hear your partner’s concerns and hopefully time to reflect on the issue at hand.I’ve learned from experience that Listening is key even in an argument!Then you can Rebuttle in the right frame of mind. Like you said it’s not about winning the argument,it’s about Understanding.
So true. You nailed it…dead on! And it directly correlates with emotional intelligence.
Yes, arguments can be a good thing and I think they should happen in a relationship. If there is never an argument in the relationship, I question the relationship itself. I think there must be someone in there that is giving in all of the time, maybe not feeling worthy to get up for his/her views or something else. And I do believe to be truly yourself in a relationship, it just is natural that there will be moments where you ‘clash’ with the other. It’s how you deal with it, that makes or breaks the relationship from that point forward.
I think arguments can benefit a relationship. It will make clear what the other person is thinking and feeling and that allows the relationship between the two to grow. IF handled correctly ofcourse.
It’s never nice to be in an argument, but it will help you understand the other, and even understand yourself.
x
Petra
The healthiness of arguing in a relationship depends on the people involved. Most people this is just a part of their personality. I believe it is not right to suppress themselves as long as it does not hurt others. The issue with stating ALL relationships are better with arguments are some people can’t. As a part of who I am, I have a huge difficultly feeling anger. Just because I am incapable of arguing then I can’t have a healthy relationship?
How are we defining arguing? Is it merely a difference of opinion?
I just met a new guy recently but we were introduced to one another by my moms boyfriend. this new guy works with him. He thought we might hit it off and via text on his phone exchanged pics and then new guy have me his # through my moms boyfriend. I called him and we met up a couple of days later. This was last week so it’s all new but I think we really hit it off. Hope to see him soon! Before him I met a guy online-that scene is not for me. Before that it was a year ago I lived in Georgia and I was doing a lot of TV movie extra work and I met a few guys on set. When you are in holding to go on set for a scene sometimes there are long waits and it’s a great time to get to know people. A few of the guys I didn’t like the same way and one we did. We met up for drinks and hung out once and then we had a lot of mid communication so I stopped seeing him for many reasons. So there are a couple if examples :-)
oops. please disregard last message from me on this blog. I submitted from phone and it accidentally generated response onto wrong page. my apologies.
I don`t think that is true. I think argue isn`t necessary in relationship where both people can talk together about thinks that upsets/worry them. After all, relationship is about sharing part of life together- if two people are able to be open to each other of regular basis, then there will be nothing to cumulate to create argue.
Besides, I think lot of people live with a lot of insecurities so when their partner doesn`t agree with them- insecurities surface and they see that disagreement as an attack- instead of different opinion -and argue is ready. I think if we drop our ego and see and respect our partner as a separate being with its own view on the world that sometimes can differ from ours, and give this same respect to partner`s point of view as we would like him to respect ours- then we can discuss a problem and reach an agreement instead of arguing about it.