Forward this on to anyone you know who is in a relationship and could use a pick me up.
We’ve had so many emails in recently from people asking me to do a few videos for people in relationships.
If you’re seeing a guy or you’re in a relationship right now, I want to share something that can make your relationship even more special.
Today’s tip revolves around arguments…
Arguments are always seen as negative, and people often assume that in the early stages of a relationship arguments are a sign of things coming to an end.
Let’s imagine for a second that you’re with your guy and the two of you start arguing.
Immediately emotion comes in that says, “I need to win this argument”. This might be caused by pride, stubbornness and insecurity, and today I want to make sure that we argue from a more mature place (I’ve been guilty of this wanting to ‘win’ myself, which is why I know the topic so well!).
Remember that there’s a difference between winning in an argument, and winning in a relationship.
I want to make sure that you win in the relationship.
The argument is just a battle; the relationship is the war.
Next time you’re in an argument, there are two words that I want you to remember:
I Understand
Sounds obvious – the key to relationships is understanding. But it’s true. When you get to the head of an argument, showing that you understand someone is THE KEY.
You might not agree with someone’s reaction to a situation, but you can acknowledge where their feelings have come from that have lead to their reaction.
Imagine that you’ve done something that’s caused him to feel jealous and to come over and shout at you. You’re annoyed because you feel like he had no right to start shouting at you.
Now, you can disagree with his reaction to shout at you, but try to understand and acknowledge the feeling that the shouting came from.
When you’re empathetic and understand the feeling, people will very often show that they’re sorry and you’ll diffuse an argument.
I want to make our default response to someone’s anger to try and figure out why someone is feeling a certain way before you retaliate. Going on the attack is where you can do serious damage to a relationship.
You’re a team, you want to help each other, and the easiest way to do that is to show that you understand.
Question of the day
I read an article on the Huffington Post recently that couples that argue once a week stand a better chance of staying together. Do you agree with this? Can arguments be a good thing?
Let me know in the comments below. I read every single one, and I’m going to do my best to reply.
See you soon!
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Want more like this?
In my programme The Man Myth I have a whole module dedicated to the male mind. In it you will learn a better way of dealing with jealousy, the kind of game playing that destroys relationships, and how to ‘pre-frame’ a guy’s behaviour before you even get into a relationship. Click here to learn more.
Hi Matt,
I find this an incredibly difficult subject!!! I will avoid an argument like my life depends on it, I think in my case it’s because I find them so painful and frightening. I would rather discuss things rationally after things have calmed down. It’s then much easier to understand each other and unravel the problem. What do you think?
Having an argument every week is anything but healthy, for me anyway.
Katherine x
my parents have arguments and it results in an abusive relationship between my mum and dad. my brother and my sister in law have discussions which results in a healthier relationship all around
Yes having arguments are healthy
and NO
I do understand that having arguments in a relationship is good because we’re only getting to know that person better but I don’t think it should be every week. I much rather prefer maybe every 3 weeks to a month…
I think arguments mean I, we, still own our own personality. “The Art of Argumentation.” Just don’t get loud or mean!!
Also, would like to pay for the ‘man myth’, with a credit card, not PayPal.
Yes, arguments are good. If you agree all the time it can build resentment. While we may agree most of the (why the relationship exists in the first place) we are not all clones.
We have to be ourselves which means we will disagree…can we do so and still like, respect and appreciate the other… Then we have a good relationship.
hay Matt,
First of all can I just say that you are, as you know, an incredibly attractive man on both the inside and the out.
I have been following you for sometime, love the blogs, and jamesons work as I’m learning so much.
Some of it I intuitively knew however you have bought into my knowledge. So thank you.
Recently separated from my husband of 13 years… I feel arguements are not needed … I feel if both partners are able to communicate how they feel the act of arguing can be damaging!
Having said that if both are feeling angry … Talking about negative feelings may cause that argument …. And it’s how the couple respect, understand and move on in the relationship that counts. Plus having children the act of arguing may damage their ability to communicate negative feelings.
So the article has weight …. Talking and communicating I feel is key … If it takes an argument to get that out in the relationship then it’s positive … At the same time there are more effective ways to say how you feel…. You agree Matt ?
Sarah xxxx
I’ll share your blog, I really liked it.
I truly believe that any relationship has its ups and downs it’s when you feel like you can’t be bothered to argue that you really truly have problems which for me ended in divorce bacause we stopped caring