3 Steps To Become A Great Conversationalist

Today I want to converse with you about conversing.

I want to talk about better ways of giving value in conversation than going in and asking mundane questions.

The story I began this video with has been a beautiful way of starting conversations for me this past week.

(Please excuse the awful American accent. It’s the best I had in me today.)

The way I began is how you can begin conversations this week. Rather than beginning with small talk, jump straight into a story and start talking about theories you have of things.

When someone asks, “how are you?” this is a great time to lead into a story instead of a logical answer to a question.

When I’ve been introduced to a group of people at a party for instance, I’ve been able to go in and say, “Hey guys, you’ve got to settle this for me. Is this normal?…”

The truth is, the world is made up of really sh*tty conversationalists.

When we go into conversation, too many people sit back waiting for the other people they’re with to lead in being a good conversationalist.

Rather than thinking you have to fall back on a generic set of topics and questions, forget all of that.

Instead, apply these three steps…

1) Get out of your head

Don’t be inside your own head thinking too much. You want to be expressing opinions and talking about the things going on around you.

2) Pay attention

Pay attention to what’s happening around you.

–What clothes are people wearing? Is there a pattern to what people are doing? Is it quiet? Is it loud? Is there anything weird happening?

3) Have opinions

Opinions give other people license to talk and are a great way to evoke responses from other people. Have opinions of things going on around you. They also help get people out of their heads.

Question of the day: Can you remember a great way someone started a conversation with you? What did they do/say?

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To learn more about conversation and how to steer things forward to a place of building chemistry and attraction with a guy, check out my online home study course The Man Myth.

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103 Replies to “3 Steps To Become A Great Conversationalist”

  1. thank you hero for this video. you made laugh a lot . if i were your i would laugh . what i see to become a great conversationalist depends on the way you think .if i think and see my self a great , funny , creative , confident person and work on it . then i’ll be not just a great conversationalist but i’ll be amazing in everything in life .
    you really amazed me by your topics. thats why i call you hero.
    THANK YOU HERO

  2. In my opinion conversating of how to conversate is a great conversation.

    I like a lot to conversate and I apply your conversation steps without even knowing that I do. Congratulate me, please.

  3. Hi Matthew i’m bot good at starting a conversation.
    Even on running otther people make a compliment About That other girl how good she is etc… And when we were swimming al the other boys were looking at my older sister she already has a boyfriend About 5 mothns now.
    And than i feel so alone sometimes. Me and my twinsister always called ugly in school in school i have no friends. Besides my twinsister it drives me nuts sometimes. Althhough i’ve Been bullied it left scars inside and i got no convidence in anything now it Goes. Altough That i’ve uploaded a YouTube video and i got good comments on it. I’m always looking on YouTube and i think al the people sing better than me sometimes it brings me down :(

    Btw love your video
    Have a great day.

    Lovely Greetz Thirza.

  4. Hey Matt,

    I had gotten an email reply from Bie after emailing you two weeks ago that indicated someone from your team would be giving me a call.

    Is this spam or is there just some misinformation coming your team about following up on email inquiries to you?

    I emailed you a question and she replied back that I’d be getting a phone call from your team. Every attempt I make to follow up on toys had been ignored.


    Ursulline
    Santa Monica, CA

      1. Hey Ursulline,

        Let me check into this for you. Thanks for letting me know! We’ll be back to you by tomorrow as my team isn’t around until then.

        Hope you enjoyed the video : )

        Matt x

    1. Hi Ursulline,

      How did you get on only I have experienced the same thing ? Was it all genuine in the end or spam ?

      Angela x

  5. I’m dying laughing at your unfortunate but hilarious encounter with the Common L.A. Douchebag. (Scientific name: Homo usurpia) The species is only native to southern California and is rarely seen in other parts of the country.

    I love this video, especially since I’ve found that I just don’t have any patience for boring conversation any more. I’ve hit a point in my life where I’m just done with insipid niceties and love going right to the weird depths of whatever situation is at hand. Thanks for validating my approach. :)

    P.S. I’m offering my services as an amateur dialect coach. We can work on your American accent when I see you in December.

  6. I’m good at conversations but it takes more than that. When are you going to tell us more about creating the rare gemstone effect? Still waiting for that info!

    -Prefer to be called ‘A’

    1. Me too. When will anything on the “rare gem stone” effect come out?
      Honestly, it seems like it will be another program on top of everything that will cost even more money. This makes me worried that this company is starting to turn into gimmicks while the CEO goes to Hollywood auditions.

      Love ya Matt but I am being honest.

      1. Hey A!

        The rare gemstone effect is something I will be talking about VERY soon. It’s brand new and is something I haven’t had time to release until now (it’s been a busy year!). But I’m glad you’re so enthusiastic about it, I want people to be excited : ).

        Lexi, I hope to never been seen as a company that is about gimmicks. I always want to provide huge value. That’s why I spend hours planning, filming and editing these free videos each week. It gives people something to help them each week which is of NO charge.

        If you saw my life, you’d see me spending most of my day working to pleaser you guys. It’s a far cry from a CEO frolicking around hollywood for auditions ; ).

        P.S. I hear you’re coming to the retreat, in which case I can’t wait to see you there! x

        Matthew x

        1. Thanks Matt, for your reply. Like Lexi I think the ‘rare gemstone effect’ info will come at more cost than your free videos here. Perhaps it should but in that case I shall never know what it means.

          Unlike Lexi I won’t be attending a retreat anytime soon. We like you, Matt, and understand you have to make a living. I’m more focused on the ‘get the guy’ and ‘women retreats’ aspects of your business at this time in my life. So few women retreats this year! Maybe someday I’ll get to one. Especially if you ever have them again in the States.

          -A

          1. Ladies,

            From what I understand, the content of the retreat will depend very much on what specific things you want to work through in your life to get to where you want to be. Have you looked at the questionaire for it? It seems to be more about questions for you to ask of yourself and answer for yourself and providing the tools and an environment for you to do that. (Which makes it quite a bit different from the shorter programs.)

            C

      2. Hey Lexi,

        I’m just trying to locate your booking for the retreat so that we can reach you and help iron out the things you’d like more information on. I’m having trouble locating using your name here. Could you please email me here matt@gettheguy.co.uk so that we can find your booking and get in touch?

        Many thanks!

        Matthew x

  7. Hey Matthew,

    You give us so much to think about. I think I need one of those earpieces where you talk me through what to say, you are so good at this.
    I have given people, usually young lads, money for petrol to get home but never the phone. How ironic standing in front of a relationship coach (if I can call you that) making up with his girlfriend in such a corny way.
    I actually can’t think of a single good way of anyone opening a conversation I can remember. Are we all that bad? Time to take your advice.
    Kathryn xx
    PS you do need to get back to London for a break, the accent was very good

  8. Does the retreat help with career goals and how to achieve them? I know my goal but I need practical tools. Actuall valuable proven practical tools. Will it give me that, Matt?

    I read a review on another video where the person had attended the retreat but did not get any thing about the “gem stone effect” out of it and its making me worried that it is becoming all a gimmeck. If I am spending thousands of dollars, I expect value not small talk. And NO ONE FROM YOUR TEAM ACTUALLY HONESTLY ANSWERS THIS. They just repeat the same commercial conversation over and over again.

    1. Hey Lexi,

      You are welcome to ask me ANYTHING you want about the retreat here and I will gladly answer for you (obviously it’s a sunday so I may not be able to write an essay!). If my answers do not suffice I will personally assign someone to speak with you and give clear answers.

      As for the rare gemstone effect, the reason someone would not have heard about that on the retreat is because it is brand new content related to gettheguy and has nothing to do with our goals on the retreat, which are to take you to the next level in every area of your life. The entire retreat is built around practical tools, if you know your goal, a programme like this is perfect for helping you get there.

      Matthew

      1. Matt,

        Thank you for writing on the comment. I do enjoy your programs but it was getting frustratin when I was not getting clear answers.

        My main goal for attending the retreat will be to excel in my career. I work in pharmecueticals and I want to reach a top management level. I am good at what I do but I seem unable to move to that level. I am starting out –26 yrs old — and I want to gain practical tools to be able to achieve that goal. Will the retreat help me with that?

        I won’t ask how because its Sunday and I do want to be respectful of your time. Especially bc you actually responded to me.

        Again, I do love your offerings.


        Lexi

        1. Hey Lexi,

          I’m really excited you are joining us on the retreat. The retreat is ALL about practical tools. You will see when you get there. There are modules on everything from maintaining drive, to networking the right people, to managing your time, to how to chunk down a big goals into daily rituals. I could go on and on…

          The bottom line is, it’s likely to be the most transformative 5 days of your life. I know because I’ve watched it happen time and again.

          AND, importantly, it’s going to be SO MUCH FUN : ).

          I’ll see you there ; )

          Matt x

        2. Hey Lexi,

          I’m just trying to locate your booking for the retreat so that we can reach you and help iron out the things you’d like more information on. I’m having trouble locating using your name here. Could you please email me here matt@gettheguy.co.uk so that we can find your booking and get in touch?

          Many thanks!

          Matthew x

  9. Hey Matt,
    First of all – Your videos are adorable. Every time I get an e-mail from you I smile because I know I’m gonna see you,feel your positive attitude and this…naughty sparkle in your eyes :D ;)
    Well.. I remember my yesterday’s conversation with someone.
    There was this guy. He said to me : Hey Hey. And I imemdiately started humming this new Robin’s Thickie song “Blurred Lines” :) There’s this part where they sing “hey hey hey” :)) He laughed and we that’s how our conversation started.
    Have a great day,
    V.

  10. Hey Matt, loved the video. I’d already heard the story about the guy using your phone because I looked you up on podcasts since I do a lot of driving & enjoy your accent and the stuff you say. Thanks for not being boring ;) I really appreciate it -as well as your light heartedness. I laughed the first time I head this story. What a clown.

    1. And p.s. I thought I’d write you an email, one random day. It didn’t work :( I got a general response from one of the people on your “team.” Just thought I’d add this in, in order for you to know that you’re missing good emails.

      1. Hey Jenna,

        As you can imagine we receive hundreds of emails a day, so it’s not easy for me to personally see everything, but I’ll hunt it down tomorrow so I can read it!

        M x

        1. Yep, I can imagine. Pretty fancy. I was just hoping to get your attention, now. I’m glad it worked -yay! :) I applaud your excellent communication skills, now.

  11. Thanks for all the comments so far everyone! I love seeing your reaction to these videos each week.

    Do any of you have any conversational tips you want to share here while we’re on the subject??

    Matt x

    1. Well, I’ve thought it over… Even though this is sort of a given, I’d say that it’s really important to allow yourself to smile and react to what others are saying -not only with words but with emotions. Some people find this difficult; I think it’s about being vulnerable -allowing yourself the freedom to feel empathy or any sort of emotion, when it comes to what you’re hearing from the person you’re conversing with. In order to connect to others while you’re speaking with them, you’ve got to let yourself feel. That requires the whole getting-out-of-your-head, too. But, this will help a person build a rapport with someone else. I know you already know this, but I also know this question is to help others. So, here’s my 5 cents!

      1. Very well said, Jenna. I like a lot your comment and I totally agree. My favorite part is the one in wich you say you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Most people are scared of that.

    2. I usually put a lot of humorous comments. It´s not a tip and I´m not testing the other person to whom I´m talking to, but it helps me to see which are the limits that I can not pass to make myself understand. Or even to find out if someone matches my sense of humor.

      The other thing is that I´m genuinely interested in most of the people and I think there is always something to learn from someone (from some more than from others) so I ask a lot of questions about feelings or situations and give my opinion.

      I don´t know if I make myself clear but if I´m not understandable forgive me, XD.

  12. I literally just finished reading Get the Guy and there were so many emotions while reading. I was happy at the way the book was written and that most of the things (all of the things really) you discusses are what my friends and I talk about all the time. I was angry to find out all this time guys turn their insecurities around on us women. And I was hurt because this book was an eye opener and helped me to see where I have been going wrong with my love life and the truth sometimes hurts. I bought my friends a copy too so thank you Matt for this gift. you’re a Godsend.

  13. Hi Math,

    I love your videos and the suggestions you give! I am about to start a new phase of my life: I am moving to Liverpool (from Italy) to take my masters degree and I would L-O-V-E to see a live event of yours (I seem to have had the same issues for years now i.e. damn friendzone, lack of “core” confidence ect). Unfortunately I cannot attend the 5 days retreat (pecuniary reasons) but I would absolutely adore to see a “shorter” gather type thing. Have you scheduled any of those?

    Thank you for the amazing work. Much love, Rainy

  14. I love the things you say! That was a funny story. :) Since I’ve been dating a little more, I think I’ve gotten to be ok or pretty good with conversation. I love your tips. I used to be more of quiet, shy person, but people don’t really notice anymore. And like you say, I like to notice the things around me, what’s going on, people watching…it’s those little things you notice or see in everyday life that make for good conversation. Thanks, and keep up the excellent work!

    Oh yeah, and I just remember interesting conversations usually start with people telling funny or interesting stories, or asking questions that really make me think, and have to explain my answers.

    1. Haha I couldn’t believe it. Great to hear you’re getting more comfortable with conversing! The more you do it the better you’ll get and the more natural it will feel.

      Matt x

  15. Hello Matthew,
    I want to start by saying that I think all your videos are wonderful!!!
    However I had to watch this video twice on account that the first time I watch I did nothing but laugh, not at you mind you, but for the fact that in the late 1500 the word “conversation” was used as slang for S E X :-O so every time you’d say “conversation” I’d laugh.
    Best part ” The truth is, the world is made up of really sh*tty conversationalists.” HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  16. You should’ve yelled ‘You’re welcome!’ since he didn’t even say thanks for you being kind enough to use your phone.

    Or you could’ve been smart with him and mentioned that you’re a relationship coach since he wanted to make up with his girlfriend on your phone. Then decline him for any help with his relationship.

    PS. You should practice your American accent more often! ;)

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