Is being picky a good thing or a bad thing in dating?
Look, if there’s one area that’s worth being fussy about in life, it’s your relationships. A relationship is a big commitment; they require time, energy, emotional investment – all commodities that we don’t want to spend too easily.
So when it comes to love, be as picky as you want.
But does that mean we should be picky at every stage of the process? No!
What most of us do is get too picky too soon, when in fact, at the beginning of the process (when we are single and looking), we should actually be totally unpicky.
I know this sounds weird coming from me. I’m the one always harping on about living up to your standards, and never expecting second-best; how can I now turn around and tell you not to be picky?
I’ll tell you, because there is this frustrating pattern, and it can be summed up pretty simply: people are using “being picky” as an excuse for sitting on their asses and waiting.
I see this with my guy friends all the time when we go out: “The problem with me” they’ll say, “is I’m just so picky”. And then they turn to other excuses: “All the women here are just shallow.” “These girls aren’t my type.” “I need girls who are fun/smart/deep/ have a different look.”
Whatever the guy’s excuse, he’ll decide that (a) none of the women in the place have what he’s looking for, and (b) he now has a go-to excuse for NEVER SPEAKING TO ANYONE.
And this isn’t just a guy problem by the way. We all make generalisations about people so that we can excuse ourselves from taking risks.
We’ll think to ourselves: “Well, he’s not my 100% perfect guy, so he’s not really for me.” And we’ll often use this as our excuse EVEN IF WE’VE NEVER EVEN SPOKEN TO HIM!
I know this kind of behaviour because I’ve done it myself a million times. I would look at that one woman at the party I wanted to speak to, avoid conversation with her the entire night, and then in my head I would make up some lame excuse about how she was probably shallow anyway because it made me feel better about not taking a chance.
But look, I know most of us GENUINELY ARE PICKY. And that’s fine. But we have to be careful what we are picky about.
When it comes to love, be picky. When it comes to meeting people, NEVER be picky.
The reason is twofold:
1) Great people are EVERYWHERE
There is no-one who couldn’t use having another great person in their phonebook.
What’s more, some of the most cherished relationships (including romantic partners) I have ever had in my life were people I initially never would have thought I would have been interested in. But suddenly when I let go of my prejudices and gave them a chance, I was completely hooked on their personality.
Never fill in someone’s personality with your eyes! The right person rarely jumps out at us immediately.
How tragic would it be if we let our ideal partner slip away before they ever got a chance to show us how perfect they are.
2) Being judgmental is an unattractive quality
Being picky too early makes us come off as judgmental, and that’s a person no-one wants to be around.
If a guy proves to be an idiot, then lose him. But at least give him a chance to prove he’s not.
Remember, it’s hard to see the good in people when you’re only looking for the bad.
Question of the day:
What are two things you MUST have in a guy who date? Let me know in the comments below as we’d love to hear your thoughts.