Is Being Too Picky Ruining Your Love Life?

Is being picky a good thing or a bad thing in dating?

Look, if there’s one area that’s worth being fussy about in life, it’s your relationships. A relationship is a big commitment; they require time, energy, emotional investment – all commodities that we don’t want to spend too easily.

So when it comes to love, be as picky as you want.

But does that mean we should be picky at every stage of the process? No!

What most of us do is get too picky too soon, when in fact, at the beginning of the process (when we are single and looking), we should actually be totally unpicky.

Welcome to your next boyfriend? (Photo: Wiseacre)

Huh?

I know this sounds weird coming from me. I’m the one always harping on about living up to your standards, and never expecting second-best; how can I now turn around and tell you not to be picky?

I’ll tell you, because there is this frustrating pattern, and it can be summed up pretty simply: people are using “being picky” as an excuse for sitting on their asses and waiting.

I see this with my guy friends all the time when we go out: “The problem with me” they’ll say, “is I’m just so picky”. And then they turn to other excuses: “All the women here are just shallow.” “These girls aren’t my type.” “I need girls who are fun/smart/deep/ have a different look.”

Whatever the guy’s excuse, he’ll decide that (a) none of the women in the place have what he’s looking for, and (b) he now has a go-to excuse for NEVER SPEAKING TO ANYONE.

And this isn’t just a guy problem by the way. We all make generalisations about people so that we can excuse ourselves from taking risks.

We’ll think to ourselves: “Well, he’s not my 100% perfect guy, so he’s not really for me.” And we’ll often use this as our excuse EVEN IF WE’VE NEVER EVEN SPOKEN TO HIM!

I know this kind of behaviour because I’ve done it myself a million times. I would look at that one woman at the party I wanted to speak to, avoid conversation with her the entire night, and then in my head I would make up some lame excuse about how she was probably shallow anyway because it made me feel better about not taking a chance.

But look, I know most of us GENUINELY ARE PICKY. And that’s fine. But we have to be careful what we are picky about.

When it comes to love, be picky. When it comes to meeting people, NEVER be picky.

The reason is twofold:

1) Great people are EVERYWHERE

There is no-one who couldn’t use having another great person in their phonebook.

What’s more, some of the most cherished relationships (including romantic partners) I have ever had in my life were people I initially never would have thought I would have been interested in. But suddenly when I let go of my prejudices and gave them a chance, I was completely hooked on their personality.

Never fill in someone’s personality with your eyes! The right person rarely jumps out at us immediately.

How tragic would it be if we let our ideal partner slip away before they ever got a chance to show us how perfect they are.

2) Being judgmental is an unattractive quality

Being picky too early makes us come off as judgmental, and that’s a person no-one wants to be around.

If a guy proves to be an idiot, then lose him. But at least give him a chance to prove he’s not.

Remember, it’s hard to see the good in people when you’re only looking for the bad.

Question of the day:

What are two things you MUST have in a guy who date? Let me know in the comments below as we’d love to hear your thoughts.

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

195 Responses to Is Being Too Picky Ruining Your Love Life?

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  1. Hind says:

    I usually avoid dates and even more second dates. My excuse is how do i break it to them when i find myself uninterested. which is a bit silly, because its not so difficult to turn a reltionship prospect into a friendship one if the guy is cool. and definitely not hard to avoid the person in general if he’s not.

    1- the guy has to be socially intelligent. I once went on a date with a guy who kept yelling at the waiter and asking me questions to figure me out.

    2- He’s gotta be willing to share some stories of himself.

  2. Kristin says:

    So many people’s comments are along the lines of “yeah, but he definitelty has to have X, y, or Z…”

    I judge that these comments are reflective of missing the point of the article.

    OBVIOUSLY if the guys doesn’t meet one’s standards, the relationship would not progress. But what I got out of the article was “Give a guy a chance! Don’t disqualify him before you actually know whether or not someone who doesn’t SEEM your type actually is or isn’t your type.”

    You think the guy kinda seemed like a jerk? Maybe he is. But if he asks you out, why not go? Maybe you find out that what you saw was his reaction to someone that provoked him. Or maybe it was an off day for him – he didn’t seem like he cared about anyone else but himself in that study session, but it turns out he was upset about something else, and just had a lot on his mind, and he’s not usually that standoff-ish.

    Unless looking at him makes you puke a little, or you fear you might not make it home from a date with him– why not wait to pull out your criteria list until AFTER you’ve given him a chance, if he asks for a date?

    Going on a date with someone who doesn’t appear to meet your standards does not mean you’re settling. It means you’re being thorough in assessing the ACTUAL situation, not just the perceived.

  3. Uni says:

    1) Comfortable with himself, and easy-going
    2) Respectful/ self-aware/ in the moment/attentive :D

  4. ARCHANA says:

    2 THINGS THAT I NEED IN A GUY WHO I DATE IS
    1)HE SHOULD BE NEAT AND KNOW HOW TO MAKE ME COMFORTABLE AND LEAVES NO ROOMS FOR EMBARSSEMENT.
    2)HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE ME LAUGH AND CARE NOT TO HURT MY FEELINGS

  5. Usagi X says:

    First, I would say thanks Matt for all the interesting articles. They have help me learn something new that I didn’t think I ever learn.

    Two requirements:
    1) Respects and understands me.
    2) Confidence. He has trust in himself and in me too.

  6. Alexa says:

    1. His first name must be Matthew
    2. His second name must be Hussey.

    ;)

    The same sense of humor is most important to me. Ive fallen in love with guys who make me laugh non stop :)

  7. Celine says:

    1)friendly and respectful, ideally can make me laugh but some people can be a bit shy and awkward at first, which can often mean they are really good, funny people deep down.

    2) Attractive to me, but doesn’t have to be my ideal type either (doesn’t have to look exactly like you for instance^^..sorry I know you get this all the time but I just had to end this on a silly note, facepalm).

    Really good advice btw, keep on the excellent work

  8. Sophia says:

    I was single for 5 years before I met my boyfriend and we have been together for 7 years.I was single for a long time before we met and it was really because i was being picky.It did pay off in the end :)

    The two top things I look for in a guy is

    1-Intelligence

    2-Respectful of others peoples beliefs, race and sexual preference.

    sure we all want a sweet, handsome, gentlemen who makes us laugh but those are traits that a lot of people have.

    I wouldn’t be able to be with someone who wasn’t smart and open minded.I also consider not accepting or respecting someone due to race or because they’re gay to be an EXTREME turn off.Those were the main reasons I lost interest in any potential partners at the time.

  9. olivia says:

    I would say respect and and encouraging. the guys i want to be around are ones that bring me up not tear me down.

  10. Cara says:

    While I have a few things I’m picky about too, more often than not, I have the opposite problem – I look at the world through rose coloured glasses, and half the time I see good in people that isn’t actually there and don’t see the bad at all, it’s not the being open to them that’s the problem, it’s the writing-them-off-when-we’re-not-well-suited that’s my problem… any advice on that?

  11. Faizah says:

    Thank you very much Matt – amazing as always! (^_^)

    For me:
    1. I’m so attracted to intelligent/smart guys.. who can speak and discuss my topics. An intelligent man looks (sexy) to me, even if he’s not that attractive physically.

    2. I’m an “old-fashioned” girl, so I like a man to be “a man” with me.. doing all the sweet and romantic stuff we see in old movies (haha).

    I really want to add more qualities, but you only asked for two :P

    Thank you! :))

  12. Helia says:

    1) I would love to feel the guy is into me as a person, meaning he somehow shows me he really likes the first glimpses of my personality. 2) Having a heart of gold would be amazing.

    Mutual physical attraction is also important, but not as much as these two requirements I have just mentioned.

  13. Rebekah V says:

    Two requirements:

    1) definitely engage my attention on some level (chemistry included)

    and 2) have a healthy open view of himself and others.

    Those two things will be the foundation of whether or not I want to see him again.

  14. Anna says:

    Hi Matt,

    Very interesting topic!
    For me:

    1. physical attraction in a more sexual way not esthetic, a connection on a very basic level. I know when this happens it makes me feel like glowing and other guys are suddenly attracted to me. It is a special connection and I can feel this when other people (couple) have it, it is an energy (I think).
    2. sense of humor; teasing in a playful (respectful) way

    I am very esthetic but prefer a real connection. It helps me to relax.

    Anna x

  15. sophie says:

    1- easy to talk to
    2- attractive and has sense of humor :)

  16. Ashleigh says:

    Someone who is compassionate and adventurous!

  17. Priscilla says:

    1. Respectful
    2. Someone who is motivated and brings positivity to my life

  18. Georgia says:

    First name: Matthew
    Last name: Hussey
    hahahaha :)

  19. Uschi says:

    Respect and
    a kind of attraction, that make me curious

  20. Learning says:

    1) He should be patient and kind.
    2) He should have the ability to deal with me. ; )

  21. Jess says:

    For me, a guy has to have a sense of humour which also includes being able to laugh at himself and not take things TOO seriously AND not be afraid to look like a goof!
    But at the same time, I’d like a guy that stimulates me. It’s nice to have conversations that really make you think wow..question things and learn more about each other.
    Cheers for the blog post matthew, i only signed up on your website a week ago and am loving it! So much to learn though, so much to learn haha

  22. Raquel Mariz says:

    Someone who isn’t just my boyfriend but also my best friend. Someone with who I can always be my true self.

  23. cuteypie says:

    two qualities?
    honest and honest

    i almost got cool feet to go out date just to find out that guy is being not honest with me.
    but thx for Matt ‘s witty blog,which has been a morale support to me.
    x

  24. Macey says:

    1) be a gentleman – pull out chair, hold the door, treat me like a lady
    2) pls don’t smoke. No body odour. No bad breathe pls.
    3) Eye contact

  25. Hani says:

    Oh that definitely helped to see things differently. Honestly I’m not even picky. All a guy has to do is seduce my mind and for that you only have to be funny and easy going so I always wondered “how the hell am I still single?” and I thought “maybe I’m just too ugly to have standards” you know but I guess now, I’ll just try to get out of my comfort zone and try more. So thanks a bunch Matt, really love your advices! x

  26. Lo says:

    Thanks Matt for all that you’re doing. I really enjoyed reading everyone’s comments etc. theses are some of the things I prefer in a man is orignalilty,meeting of the minds,being positive staying on one accord with each other working together not against each other,respect,peace and harmony I also like a supportive man and I give support as well I have to feel that vibe with the man.Caring and understanding staying real.Getting to know me for me not asking other people learn me for who I am and our friendship and relationship will grow a real man that’s what I prefer.

  27. Caitlin From South Africa says:

    Whether it is on a physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual or sexual level, the guy I date should be able to make me feel comfortable and 100% myself at all times.

  28. Alyssa says:

    1.) a good, pure heart. (I work in a career completely devoted to helping others) and although we can categorize a lot of people as, “generally good” it is another thing to step outside of yourself and truly help others and maintain that honest empathy. I like that about myself, and I want that in him.
    2.) someone who gets me, and I get perfectly as well. I grew up with two loving, devoted parents (who are still happily married to this day!) They are best friends and make it work! So someone who is dedicated. I get him, and he gets me!

  29. Pat says:

    I found through past relationships that I want a man who is adventurous and wanting to do new things since I have ADHD. It helps keeping things interesting and fun. Plus I want a man who has eyes only for me and not other chicks, also to not have me as the recall.

    I came out of a verbally abusive and highly strung along relationship and I’m strongly not allowing myself to get into that again. To this day I’m still finding out more crap he did from the past :/

  30. Zurene says:

    Hi,

    There is lots of traits I would love to list out.But here is a few basic ones.

    1.Someone who loves people and respect women.
    E.g:Once I got turn off by this guy who treated a waitress rudely.If he has no respect for women, he technically do not respect himself and that is a big no-no !

    2.Someone who has the same values as me.For a long term relationship I believe having the same values is downright important.Such as religions/beliefs /family values and etc.As your values usually defines your character,is best to choose someone who has the same or almost similiar values as yourself for a smooth ongoing relationship.

    Thanks Matthew.

  31. Bobby says:

    He has to be sensible and rational!!
    With sensibility and rationality comes all the other good stuff!

  32. Tina says:

    Hi there Matt,

    Firstly, will want a guy who is fully engaged and present in the moment. Theres real romance in that, for me.
    Secondly, will want him to be incredibly passionate with his personality. I find it very fun-loving and endearing.

  33. Viva says:

    1. He has to have a good work ethic.

    2. Down to earth.

  34. Rani says:

    There are many things i am looking for, so you could say I am picky :P. haha… However, if I have to pick the top two 1) a good communicator – specifically someone who knows how to actively listen and understand that most things need to be negotiated and that does not mean “I am right and you are wrong.”
    2) Let’s have fun! So, let’s make having a good time a Priority. I just feel relationships get in the comfort zone and one stops doing fun things together. I hope the guy values this.

    By the way, Matthew, thanks for all you do. I learn a lot from you! Not just about dating, but the whole process of connection. You are awesome!

    Rani :)

  35. Erika says:

    1. I want us to compliment each other (as in fitting together and helping with weaknesses, not constantly saying how pretty you are) and make each other happy.

    2. I want him to be funny. To quote Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, “I do so dearly love to laugh.” I love to smile, and I want someone who will give me a reason to.

  36. Vanessa Vallozzi says:

    The first most important thing in a guy I date is manners. It is obvious that initially he will be trying to impress me and be polite but the way he treats people around him is important. Talks with respect whether it be to a waitress or a doorman or to someone who accidently bumps into him on the street. Secondly someone who is not all serious all the time. I love playful personalities. A guy who I feel comfortable being silly with and having fun with not having to worry that he will be judging me because he doesn’t have a sense of humor. :)

  37. Marianne says:

    Yeah, that would be “doors”!!!

  38. Marianne says:

    Oh I get! While out and about leave the dorrs open to meet all types!! It could be that a lasting friendship or a relationships shows up!!! Very cool! I am on board!
    xoxox

  39. Cate says:

    1)He should be the conversationalist. Or at least try to be one. I don’t know if its just me, but silence when he and I go on dates make things very awkward…Well, sometimes it makes me feel like I’m too talkative. Maybe he’s just quiet or shy but…I don’t know.

    2)He should make me feel like I want to keep seeing him. Like, it’d be wrong to do otherwise. haha, I’m weird X_X

  40. Kelly says:

    1. Have a JOB. 2. Scruffy\down to earth

  41. LM says:

    1. Am working on creating an extraordinary life and want to be with someone who can understand and share that adventure with me. A life lover. ;)

    2. I need him to challenge me intellectually. Smart guys are so hot!

  42. Crystal says:

    1. He has to make feel something different from other people. The feeling hasis generally a cross between excitement and curiosity.

    2. He has to be a nice person. I don’t mean the person who pretends either, but the of person who’ll be kind to everyone, regardless of who’s looking.

    I’d curious about what your two requirements are :)

  43. Catt says:

    Matt,

    Thanks for this post! I enjoyed it a lot and agree with what you say.
    I want to ask though what about men who are too old and too young for you? That’s all I’ve been getting! And I don’t want to say yes to men who are twice my age or younger than the internet. Do you have advice for this? (any clue as to what’s going on or what I could do differently?? I’m so confused.)

    -Catt

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hey Catt! The good news is if you’re attractive then you’ll be attracting all different age groups, so it’s natural. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. I think age gaps can work but if you’re sure about the age group you want look for places then target that demographic in the way you socialise. Choose place where people in your age group are more likely to hang out. When you see them walking around, grabbing their latte, talk to them. They are out there! x

      • Catt says:

        Thanks for the advice Matt! I guess I tend to do older people stuff, and it’s just weird that there’s that hole in the age group I ideally want to attract. I’ll let you know how it goes!!

        xx,
        Catt

  44. Angelica says:

    1. I want him to make me feel good.
    2. I want to be able to make him feel good.

    Good being synonymous with one or any combination of happy, having fun, motivating each other, pushing limits (in a good way), discover new things and just simply enjoying each others’ company.

  45. Petra says:

    Well, for me I need a guy who knows what he wants ( a guy who knows himself) because most of them are always indecisive, it’s my french opinion about french man mostly :)
    And yes second of all, sense of humour of course!

  46. JenJen says:

    Give me a cultured, silly man with a big smile and big laugh. Oh, and he has to like American girls ;)

  47. Amruta says:

    1. good conversationalist
    2. someone who makes me feel comfortable

  48. Bárbara Sousa says:

    He must be someone who likes to take care of himself, ACTIVE and willing to do new things

    Sensitive BUT masculine

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      “Sensitive BUT masculine” – that’s what we call a UNIQUE PAIRING at gettheguy. Unique pairings are traits that we often don’t think go together but make someone really three dimensional and attractive. I talk about how to have these in the Man Myth programme: http://www.themanmyth.com

  49. Princess of Penge says:

    I don’t get the comments about the picture – I think he’s hot. What were those previous comments about being judgemental? ;-p
    Sorry Trish but I have to disagree with you – I don’t want to be controlled by a man – relationships are about equality and I have walked out on previous relationships because they were too controlling. Feeling the need to have control over another person is frankly a worrying and unattractive trait.
    For me the most important attributes are conversation – there’s nothing more uncomfortable than awkward silences because you have nothing to say to each other and sense of humour. Mutual physical attraction is also a must though…

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      It’s all about balance. We all like to be lead sometimes, and at other times like to lead. Having both is the key. but you need a man who can step up when necessary! x

  50. Helen says:

    1) Easy to talk to with a similar view on life and sense of humour.
    2) Actually wants to be with me and suggests fun things to do- I am fed up with taking the initiative in everything, so apathy or lots of time spent in his own pursuits without including me (some is great)is a big turn off.

  51. Emma says:

    1-6ft plus as I am 5ft7 and could never give up my high heels for love..I must be 5,10 in my best heels…and we all know what Marilyn Monroe said about a girl and her heels.
    2-Be interested in the world and people. I love people, and appreciate that in others.

  52. Bella says:

    1) Passionate – In anything really, I don’t mind if he is super passionate about rocks as long as it is genuine.

    2) Fun, Down to earth conversation.

    Loving this blog, it is helping me realize I am not totally hopeless in finding Mr. Right. Thanks

  53. Corinna says:

    Although logically I know what you’re saying is correct and also the path to becoming a decent human being, I just believe that with all the best will in the world – you just can’t force attraction. I am only 22 and have been single for almost 5 years (the last relationship was an intense inconsistent teenage love story that lasted for 4 years). Without sounding arrogant, I am aware that I am an “attractive” young girl, but I just seem to be incapable of giving anyone a real chance. I could have given various guys a chance and had some nice boyfriends, but the truth is that if I just don’t feel that spark within the first few times of meeting them and I don’t get that buzz and excitement that is obviously triggered by “physical attraction”, I just can’t be bothered (as harsh as that sounds). I think being picky goes beyond personal goals and extends to basic primitive instincts. If the physical aspect isn’t there, then everything else that is there just ends up in a good friendship rather than a romantic one. Anyway thanks for the sounds advice as per usual. :-)

    • Corinna says:

      … however when I do like someone – it seems to be confident, chatty, performer, good looking alpha male – they usually let their egos get in the way of letting things go further after their initial interest…

  54. Signet says:

    Matt, give me a guy who puts in kindness & gentleness in everything he does towards me, add on a healthy dose of Christian faith and he’s got me – wont care if he’s ugly but taller than I am. (And yes, i am smilin)

  55. Caroline says:

    Someone who is honest and will keep me interested!

  56. Mika says:

    HAHAHA that picture was not what I was expecting when I clicked here!

    I actually think having a list of what you will and won’t tolerate in a man or a relationship will really help you stick to your core values as well as not settling for just whomever comes you way.

    I thankfully have someone who:

    1. Takes responsibility for his own emotions and lot in life (not someone who uses his external circumstances as an excuse as to why he can’t have what he wants)–and takes action to prevent complacency.

    2. Kind, passionate,has integrity, values and someone who wants to the best version of himself.

    3. Adventurous spirit who likes traveling and is UBER patient with me and my tendency to forget important shit like my purse and plane tickets as we’re getting ready to board a plane.

    In essence, I think having standards for yourself and what you will or won’t tolerate in love will definitely help you be one step closer to your dream partner.

  57. deb says:

    I SAY HONEST ,A GOOD BELEIF SYSTM ETHICS.MORALS SCRUPPLES, BE TRUE TO HIMSELF,AND OTHERS.GOD LOVIN AND GOD FEARING. ……………IS THAT TOOOOO MUCH TO ASK FOR…

  58. Annika says:

    1. Fun personality
    2. Easy to talk to ;)

  59. Trish says:

    First and foremost, He must be open minded and willing to communicate his needs. I can’t read minds.
    Nooo all kidding aside there does have to be that spark….you know when your eyes cant even settle on his lips without carnal desire. lol He must contain that something u know the something that makes your heart skip a beat. The second he must be confident in himself and a little controlling cause all us girls like to be controlled in some way by our men. IF YOU SAY U DON’T LIARS ARE AMONG US! So i guess its sparks, then the way he takes care of himself and his business>sexy a man who knows where hes going and knows that despite of his strength he wants someone to go with him. :)

  60. sam says:

    Two things?
    1. Not to come off shallow, but there has to be a physical attraction, but everyone one is different, what i find attractive is not what other people find attractive, it may also be just something small n simple like the way a man shaves his face, i.e. style of facial hair, or even just a certain look of the eye from a profile picture
    2. Has got to be smell, hygiene is a definite must, but the guy has got to have the right, or near enough, smell that causes biological fluctuations in me

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Well Sam, this comment definitely made me a little insecure. I’m in the middle of an airport writing this and i’m not the best I’ve ever smelled. lol.

      Thanks for the comment x

      • Jill says:

        Matt you do realize if you hadn’t told us we would have never known:p I have to say if someone came up to me looking like the guy in the pic it’s absolutely a no go. I mean seriously he shaves his chest hair into what looks like a heart shape. Creepy!! I will say I feel I’m pretty good at giving guys a chance but sometimes I’m guilty of giving him my number just because I can tell it took a lot of courage to come talk to me however I don’t always answer my phone. I know that’s awful but I can’t stand to shoot them down when it’s obvious it took all night just to come over. How can I handle this different?

    • Vanessa Vallozzi says:

      Those pesky Pheromones get me everytime. Just remember good biology doesn’t always come attached to a decent man!

  61. Rosannie says:

    Hmmm 1- the attraction 2-trust

    :'( Im never going to like anyone while I still love the father of my 7month old baby!! 5 years + a baby= very hard to move on….

  62. BadJellywitchy says:

    1 Fun
    2 Loyal :)

  63. Klara says:

    Well, for date one,
    he only has to
    1)Have something that makes him intresting, something that makes me want to know him
    2) Be easy to keep a flowing conversation with, what its about is not a big deal in the bigning, as long as he can talk!

  64. Patti says:

    Hi Matthew,

    1) self-respect 2) respect for others

    Thanks for this. Here is the deal with me. When I was younger my friends told me I was too picky. So I put away issues I didn’t like with guys and ignored them. I ended up in a very bad marriage and got divorced. At the point I am in my life I’m very happy. I don’t “need” a man in my life but I would like to have someone that i could share my life with and enjoy. I know within 1 or 2 dates if he has issues I’m unwilling to over look. I’m not talking about little idiosyncrasies but what I would call issues or defects like lack of respect for people, women or me, moodiness, too needy etc.

    I don’t limit going on a date by where I met the guy or because he has a zit or something stupid like that but I do move on if he is someone I would be “settling” for. I settled once and I don’t think I am willing to do so again.

    Thanks for all your newsletters and advice

    Patti

  65. Hilppa says:

    1) He needs to make me feel good/beautiful.

    2) He needs to like what he’s doing (a job or whatever he’s going to do later on)

  66. Marie-antonine Woutaz says:

    1) there must be a mutual attraction (I like him, he likes me and we both enjoy dating / spending time together).
    2) there must be a mutual focus on each other (I pay attention to him and he pays attention to me) and a connection between us

  67. Blanka says:

    Dear Matt,

    Please, please please answer to me! I really have the same problem. I mean almost. I met a guy one year ago, he’s just fooling me but I completely fell in love with him. He made me fell in love with him even though he has a girlfriend,who he’s not intended to leave. But I still love him, and I keep pushing every other guy away. I could have three boyfriends till then but Im always thinking about that this guy is not like him, he doesnt call me like he does. I just wanna be with him, I want him to touch me, I want him to love me. And this goes on for a YEAR now. And I dont know what to do. He is tourchering me! I feel like I dont need anybody but him. How can I step out of this endless circle? How can I stop loving him? What do I do? I keep turning down opportunities, and im wasting my time… I screw up my own life by loving someone who doesnt love me.
    Please help me, give me some advices. Please!
    Thank you in advance. Love you so much! :-)))

  68. Gilliant says:

    The most crucial factors should be considered are clever, caring person, ambitious to achieve his startegic intent plus his capability to carry out that.
    More importantly, he must definitely understand what I think, want, make surprised things, wanna be committed to me rather than anyone else (: x

  69. Steph says:

    not long ago i red that the only thing one really needs to fall in love is that the other person looks at you and sees the person that you really are, through the fears, trough the excuses, the “you” you want to be and not the one you are getting away from…if i have to say that there is something i would look in a guy to find dateable is that he must always be comfortable, never settle for anything less than what he deserves, so that i feel the same way.

  70. Janet says:

    1. smart (i need someone to discuss with in a fun way even if we dont have the same opinion.)
    2. make me laugh which sometimes results out of the first one.

  71. asmaa says:

    emmm… this one really gave me a hard time but I eventualy made up my mind and came to this two :
    (but 1st I would say this: even if to me looks aren’t as important as what I’m about montion, I’m not asking for a model but he definitly has to be easy on the eye ^^)
    1)- he has to respect my opinions, point of views, believes, choices and be encouraging.
    2)- he has to cherish our relationship and give his 100%.
    thnx matt I really needed that post cause I’m in a situation where no one seems good enough but I’ll start giving more chances.

  72. MARIA says:

    Hi MATTHEW! :) #1 I have to be attracted to the guy! Looks are important :) #2 Personality: easy going and able to have a nice conversation! I just can’t get interested in someone I can’t talk to :)) Love what you are doing Matthew, THANK’S!!! MARIA

  73. malin says:

    Thank you! Matthew for sharing =) Very interessting thoughts =D

  74. Kate says:

    1. A guy your dating has to be able to make you laugh and be interested in you , and want to make sure your alright, even tho think the same would have to be done back, as guys like being looked after too especially when ill(with man flu).
    2. Good Manners- polite to friends and family, and its important to bond with a new bf i think and find out things about each other.
    Also to know he will have your back if things go wrong. To know he is there for you whatever happens.

  75. Linda says:

    1) he must be intelligent
    2) he must be adventurous

    None of these work if chemestry is t present. I have always felt it right away. I don’t mistake that for love at first sIght. It just means there happens to bean attraction.
    Linda

  76. Nad says:

    1-The guy has to be Open-Minded / Intelligent
    2-Someone who has a healthy life (does sports, activities ..)

    (3) He has to be tall cause i am too tall ;)

    <>

  77. Grace says:

    1. He does have to be attractive. Physically, usually, but there have been relationships where the guy grew on me.

    2. He has to be respectful. Teasing is good, but he has to be respectful and polite (mini rant: yesterday I went on a date. He’s an ok guy but it was our first date and he would manhandle me. Just because I’m small and cute doesn’t mean you have to pick me up/ mess up my hair/ pretend to wrestle with me.)

  78. Lola says:

    well,.for me it’s DEFINETLY condifence!! if a guy isn’t confident he can be as attractive as a topmodel, i wouldn’t want him, because i need to feel safe with a guy and he shouldn’t be shy…i can’t really explain it, but i feel uncomfortable with a shy guy…

    but well, unfortunaltely my problem is, that i only feel attracted to the types of guys who turn out to be assh*** .. :(

  79. Bell says:

    1) be genuinely comfortable in his skin (cannot stand when someone is trying to impress at all costs, so off putting)
    2) respect other people point of view and have sense of humour

  80. Reena says:

    i’ve tried to be less picky these days. i always used to think just wait for the right one blah blah and i said no to a lot of guys who i didn’t feel were right. but now, I’ve met one guy now who i’d love to get to know more and we have been but he seems to hold back and his dating technique seems a little rusty which astounded me at first….. At first, i thought i could judge him and i was scared but now i feel maybe he needs more reassurance? I don’t know. But I am journeying into territory i haven’t been while remaining true to who i am…….. I believe in having standards but at the beginning stages you just don’t know which present may be for you, just because the wrapping paper may be not how you expect or wrapped in a way thats easy for you to open…. if that makes any sense….

    • Kristin says:

      I agree! It took me a while to learn this! It’s not that I’ve lowered my standards, it’s that I’ve realized that what I want might not always look like I expected it to look.

      Masculine men often have a teddy bear side that are ONLY ever revealed to a woman that they trust, and it takes a while to earn the privelage of seeing that. They seem all tough- and they are, but there isn’t anything they wouldn’t do to make their woman happy, when they’ve found the woman that they’ve built that connection with, that they trust.

  81. Lil says:

    I want a man to be truly confident and have a good sense of humor. Seems really hard to find…or am I being picky?

  82. TingTing says:

    Its a good point, regardless of the sex, people make excuses and stereotype others either by their appearance or their assumptions (which are not based on the truth).

    For me, the guy needs to be able to hold down an interesting conversation and also a guy who respects me.

  83. Kathryn says:

    Once upon a time (OK, not all that long ago in actual fact !)I would have listed a whole load of “must haves”, but I now prize above all else someone who will CONSISTENTLY back their words with the corresponding action and sees the glass as half full rather than half empty

  84. Tracey says:

    great post, luv the picture!

    1 my man needs to be A MAN!
    2 needs to let me be a woman

    • gettheguy says:

      Thanks Tracey, the image had us all laughing here at the office, and I don’t think you’ll be alone in needing your man to be A MAN.

  85. Red Apple* says:

    1) he should be a dreamer with a good sense of humour..
    2) supporting me fulfilling my dreams, and of course, I’ll do the same for him ;)…
    *3) understanding who I am, and why I do what I do ^^

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      “understanding who i am” – this one is important isn’t it! It’s amazing how much we fall for the people who truly understand us at the deepest level. It’s even attractive just for someone to try to.

      Thanks Red Apple : ) x

  86. Kristine says:

    Sense of humour and trustworthy – but also key: communication skills which are essential to work things out, considering and taking into account each others point of view in a non-judgmental and open manner

  87. Tricia says:

    1) My guy must a one womens man. He must make me laugh. Be able to always make me smile. 2)Obviously physical attraction is very important, kind, gentle sweet,honest, warm lovin personality where I his women must always come first.

  88. Annie says:

    1) Intelligence/open-mindedness
    1) Honesty/integrity
    1) Physical attractiveness to ME (doesn’t have to look like Tom Cruise or be what other people consider good looking)
    1) Compassion and kindness toward others
    1) Playful/likes to be silly sometimes

    I’ve numbered these all with a “1” because they are all equally important to me, and deal breakers if not present.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      “Physical attractiveness to ME” – This is such a great point, beauty really is subjective and it truly only matters if we find our partner beautiful. Very often we find someone beautiful because of the unique connection we have with them, that’s why no one else sees them quite like us : ) x

  89. Ruby says:

    1. He can’t come off as the douchey party type (excuse my french lol). I’m generally more attracted to the shy, humble, kind of cute/dorky type. I feel like it sends me a message that he’s a good catch and someone that is looking for more than just a one night stand.. Maybe that’s reading too much into things but I’m really attracted to those kind of men!
    2. He has to be an overall good person.. I know this may seem obvious but It’s extremely important!

    Those are the 2 things I wont back down on :)

    I feel like I am extremely picky & have super high standards when it comes to guys and I don’t get why.I respect myself but I’m not some amazing catch that really deserves to be that picky!

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hey Ruby!

      Your first sentence made me laugh straight away. Remember, if you are attracted the the shy type you’ll have to be proactive in meeting him, because chances are he won’t be running up to every woman he sees.

      Thanks for leaving a comment, come back again!

      x

    • Kristin says:

      “Maybe that’s reading too much into things”

      What if you’re right?

      Yes, you absolutely deserve respect and nothing less than the best. Maybe the guy isn’t worth your time. But it’s only ONE date at a time that you’re signing up for. If he ever disrespects you, then you drop him. If he’s just not up to your standards, you turn down the next date invite. But in the meantime, what if you’re right? What if…

      “Maybe that’s reading too much into things”

      ???

  90. Helena says:

    Good point!:)

    And if you genuinely just LOVE people and try to find good things about them, it attracts people toward you. No matter the looks or whatever. Everyone wants to be around people who like them. If you give out love, it’s love that will come back to you:)

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Exactly Exactly Exactly. Point really well made Helena. See someone as special and they are far more likely to see you as special too. x

  91. Sarah says:

    I love the picture!

    Aside from a hairy chest and chestnut aviators, my man has to make me laugh and keep me on my toes.

  92. anna says:

    a guy would not discriminate people.. and love her girl no matter what..

  93. Andrea says:

    He must be intelligent, look after himself and be able to enjoy life on his own. I sometimes run into guys who claim “I cannot live alone. When I have a woman in my life, everything will be fine.”
    This attitude makes me run away like hell. I don’t need a crutch who wants to hold onto me.
    A healthy relationship can only originate between two healthy adults who can stand on their own feet.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      So true Andrea. When someone is happy being alone but still chooses you then you know they want you for all of the right reasons. Thanks for commenting! x

  94. Christine Ko says:

    Two things the guy MUST have:
    1. Sense of Humour; easy going nature
    2. Understanding/sensitive

  95. Audrey says:

    #1 He’s got to be an active Christian in his church, so we have a better chance of being on the same page with ethics/morals/foundational beliefs.
    #2 Respect. Chivalry goes along with this, common courtesies, being polite, but I have to find a place to respect him, too.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Thanks for sharing Audrey x

    • Kristin says:

      Watch out for that #1… I seriously debated going on a date with a guy because he doesn’t attend church- he wasn’t raised doing that, and it just wasn’t a part of his life.

      God is #1 in my life. I even sought advice from a friend when I new this guy was interested in me. I asked if it was ridiculous to even go on a date with someone who isn’t an “active Christian” if it’s something that is such an important part of my life?

      After thinking about it for a while, I realized that one of my past problems with relationships was over-thinking. Being in my head instead of using my feminine energy and feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I know that God gave us both MIND and BODY. I’m not saying to ignore your mind. But I am saying to not ignore your body- give your feeling a chance. Trust that you have developed a good sense of self, believe in your ability to “feel”. I decided, finally, not to overthink it. “It’s just one date, Kristin. Find out a little more about him. If you discover something about him that disqualifies him, there won’t be another date. But for now, for today, just go on one date.”

      That was 8 months ago. 8 of the best months ever of my dating life, and I’ve had plenty of them- I’m 31!

      I’ve dated guys that were “active Christians”, that met all the “criteria” I was looking for… and none of them even hold a candle to my boyfriend now- the guy that I almost didn’t even go on one date with. I still go to church every week, and he respects that. I respect that he learned to have a relationship with Christ without attending church, but that he is very much an active and comitted Christian, even though it looks a lot different than I would have expected.

      Now that we have built that foundation of love and respect for each other as we currently are, I’ll be inviting him to go with me every so often– no expectations of him to change for me, but just to let him know that he’s always welcome to join me.

      It has been something I’ve spent a lot of time seriously considering, whether or not I’ll be unhappy in the long run by not choosing a partner that’s more “active” in the church. But my soul searching has led me to realize how beautiful our relationship is, and that yes, he has brought me closer to Christ through our discussions and through our relationship, and that I know he will always be supportive of my relationship with Christ, as well as his own, even if his and mine look a little different.

      I know that might not work for everyone, but I also know that he’s soneone I would not have dated at one point in my life… And opening myself up to ONE date with him did NOT mean that I was “settling” or “lowering my standards”- it was just one date! I can’t tell you how happy I am that I decided to just take it one date at a time! IF I would have always done what I always did, I would have ended up where I’d always been.

      If you’re reading these articles, it’s likely that you might be looking for a change too– so I’d just encourage anyone to really consider their pickiness, and take Matt’s article to heart- instead of thinking “he has to have X”, what if you asked “what would be the harm of going on one date?” even if you think he’s not your type- sometimes we misjudge. use it as a chance to confirm- “yep, that was horrible, i never want to go on another date with him again!”, but be open to the possibility that maybe, just maybe he is someone worth getting to know. I know I’m glad I finally just took the chance and gave this alternative view point a chance.

      • Sofia H. says:

        Hi Kristin,

        Thank you for your post. That’s really helped me. I really appreciate your way of framing the situation, “what’s the harm with one date?”

        I have always struggled with this aspect of dating. I am 23, I’ve never had a boyfriend, have always put my academics (I’m now in medical school) and God (at least I’ve tried) above all, but have nonetheless wished I could meet a special someone. One of the reasons I’ve never really pursued anyone (because I don’t think that many guys had “pursued” me in college, but that’s another story) was the Christianity factor. I’d ultimately not really put the effort in getting to know guys at another level because I knew they weren’t believers and that was a big no-no.

        Long story short, I can totally see how this can get tricky: in one hand there’s definitely the possibility of bringing someone to God, but at the same time there’s the chance that he could take us away from Him. Nevertheless, I feel that if we keep our eyes and mind open and don’t, don’t judge people (at least too early!), and keep this part of our lives in prayer, we’re certainly heading in the right path at least :-).

  96. Pauline says:

    1–Strong faith & belief in Jesus Christ

    2–Active/healthy approach to life

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      I think having an active and healthy approach to life is so important. Too many people are not life lovers! x

      • Lifelover says:

        I totally agree with the active/healthy lifestyle ! That and initial attraction/chemistry. That is my challenge here~ finding the active, healthy man who is attractive, charismatic or interesting. We have a high percentage of overweight people (especially middle aged+) in my area who tend to drink and smoke a lot. A few are casual friends (they don’t smoke around me), but it is hard to do active things with them. I joined a gym, but haven’t seen any intriguing singles there either.

      • April says:

        Yesss !!! Most of us just let life pass us by. I love being with people who are passionate about life.. :)

  97. Joanne says:

    A nice smile and teeth!

    Good manners!

  98. Kirstie says:

    For me he must have the ability to make me laugh and hold my attention x

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      “and hold my attention” – that kind of defines relationships doesn’t it? When someone can’t do this for another person it makes long term partnership very difficult. It may be interesting for us to do a blog on what does hold someones attention. What do you guys think? x

      • Hunter says:

        I definitely think doing one of these about keeping someone’s attention is a great idea, Matthew. Finding yourself attracted to someone can be easy, but once that initial passion and interest I definitely think doing one of these about keeping someone’s attention is a great idea, Matthew. Finding yourself attracted to someone can be easy, but once that initial passion and interest start to fade into comfort and routine, that’s where the relationship really gets put to the test. It’s great when someone is naturally engaging rather than trying to impress you because it’s hard to live up to that first impression if it places someone on a pedestal of unrealistic expectations or inversely gets them branded as someone trying too hard.
        I also second the motion that my ideal man has to be confident and have a positive self image. I want someone that is happy with himself rather than trying to rely on someone else to bring them fulfillment. I used to be like that and I realized it wasn’t satisfying. I see it with friends all the time and not only is it sad, but it leaves one wondering how much these people really care about each other and how much of the relationship is just about security or not being alone. If someone was unhappy before the relationship, they’ll just find other reasons to be unhappy because they’re the only ones capable of changing their thoughts and point of view.start to fade into comfort and routine, that’s where the relationship really gets put to the test. It’s great when someone is naturally engaging rather than trying to impress you because it’s hard to live up to that first impression.
        I also second the motion that my ideal man has to be confident and have a positive self image. I want someone that is happy with himself rather than trying to rely on someone else to bring them fulfillment .I used to be like that and I realized it wasn’t satisfying. I see it with friends all the time and not only is it sad, but it leaves one wondering how much these people really care about each other and how much of the relationship is just about security d not being alone.These people just find other reasons to be unhappy because you weren’t happy to begin with, and no one can fix that for you but yourself.

        • Hunter says:

          Let’s try that again without the weird extra paragraphs I had before I edited them. This is difficult from a phone haha.
          I definitely think doing one of these about keeping someone’s attention is a great idea, Matthew. Finding yourself attracted to someone can be easy, but once that initial passion and interest start to fade into comfort and routine, that’s where the relationship really gets put to the test. It’s great when someone is naturally engaging rather than trying to impress you because it’s hard to live up to that first impression if it places someone on a pedestal of unrealistic expectations or inversely gets them branded as someone trying too hard.
          I also second the motion that my ideal man has to be confident and have a positive self image. I want someone that is happy with himself rather than trying to rely on someone else to bring them fulfillment. I used to be like that and I realized it wasn’t satisfying. I see it with friends all the time and not only is it sad, but it leaves one wondering how much these people really care about each other and how much of the relationship is just about security or not being alone. If someone was unhappy before the relationship, they’ll just find other reasons to be unhappy because they’re the only ones capable of changing their thoughts and point of view.

      • Xi Chen says:

        RE: Hold my attention.

        Yes that would be a good blog topic; however, it’s so subjective. Both men and women can be wishy washy and their own definition of “holds my atention” can change overnight. For initial encounter (e.g. would I even date him), it might be best to quantify requirements in an objective fashion.

        Regards,
        XiXi

  99. Maja Black says:

    A guy must be 1) mature and 2) make me feel like I can trust telling him things – without being judged for my opinion/whats on my mind.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Nice one Maja. It’s not always easy to find people we can trust not to judge us too harshly for the things we tell them. Truth is we will always be judged, but what we really want is someone who can overcome their initial reflex reactions and reflect more deeply on the things we tell them. That way they can figure out positive and constructive responses to help us grow, not make us feel insecure for having told them it in the first place.

      Thanks! x

  100. Kristina says:

    Two things would have to be:
    1. I have to be attracted to they guy initially in someway, whether that be physically attracted, or initially attracted to his personality

    2. Someone who is going on this date for a relationship. Because often, the guy is only going on dates for reasons other than seeing relationship material down the line

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Definitely a lot of guys are on a date for something casual. But even those guys often change their mind when they meet someone that mesmerises them.
      x

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