Is being picky a good thing or a bad thing in dating?
Look, if there’s one area that’s worth being fussy about in life, it’s your relationships. A relationship is a big commitment; they require time, energy, emotional investment – all commodities that we don’t want to spend too easily.
So when it comes to love, be as picky as you want.
But does that mean we should be picky at every stage of the process? No!
What most of us do is get too picky too soon, when in fact, at the beginning of the process (when we are single and looking), we should actually be totally unpicky.
Huh?
I know this sounds weird coming from me. I’m the one always harping on about living up to your standards, and never expecting second-best; how can I now turn around and tell you not to be picky?
I’ll tell you, because there is this frustrating pattern, and it can be summed up pretty simply: people are using “being picky” as an excuse for sitting on their asses and waiting.
I see this with my guy friends all the time when we go out: “The problem with me” they’ll say, “is I’m just so picky”. And then they turn to other excuses: “All the women here are just shallow.” “These girls aren’t my type.” “I need girls who are fun/smart/deep/ have a different look.”
Whatever the guy’s excuse, he’ll decide that (a) none of the women in the place have what he’s looking for, and (b) he now has a go-to excuse for NEVER SPEAKING TO ANYONE.
And this isn’t just a guy problem by the way. We all make generalisations about people so that we can excuse ourselves from taking risks.
We’ll think to ourselves: “Well, he’s not my 100% perfect guy, so he’s not really for me.” And we’ll often use this as our excuse EVEN IF WE’VE NEVER EVEN SPOKEN TO HIM!
I know this kind of behaviour because I’ve done it myself a million times. I would look at that one woman at the party I wanted to speak to, avoid conversation with her the entire night, and then in my head I would make up some lame excuse about how she was probably shallow anyway because it made me feel better about not taking a chance.
But look, I know most of us GENUINELY ARE PICKY. And that’s fine. But we have to be careful what we are picky about.
When it comes to love, be picky. When it comes to meeting people, NEVER be picky.
The reason is twofold:
1) Great people are EVERYWHERE
There is no-one who couldn’t use having another great person in their phonebook.
What’s more, some of the most cherished relationships (including romantic partners) I have ever had in my life were people I initially never would have thought I would have been interested in. But suddenly when I let go of my prejudices and gave them a chance, I was completely hooked on their personality.
Never fill in someone’s personality with your eyes! The right person rarely jumps out at us immediately.
How tragic would it be if we let our ideal partner slip away before they ever got a chance to show us how perfect they are.
2) Being judgmental is an unattractive quality
Being picky too early makes us come off as judgmental, and that’s a person no-one wants to be around.
If a guy proves to be an idiot, then lose him. But at least give him a chance to prove he’s not.
Remember, it’s hard to see the good in people when you’re only looking for the bad.
Question of the day:
What are two things you MUST have in a guy who date? Let me know in the comments below as we’d love to hear your thoughts.
1) He should be patient and kind.
2) He should have the ability to deal with me. ; )
Respect and
a kind of attraction, that make me curious
First name: Matthew
Last name: Hussey
hahahaha :)
1. Respectful
2. Someone who is motivated and brings positivity to my life
Someone who is compassionate and adventurous!
1- easy to talk to
2- attractive and has sense of humor :)
Hi Matt,
Very interesting topic!
For me:
1. physical attraction in a more sexual way not esthetic, a connection on a very basic level. I know when this happens it makes me feel like glowing and other guys are suddenly attracted to me. It is a special connection and I can feel this when other people (couple) have it, it is an energy (I think).
2. sense of humor; teasing in a playful (respectful) way
I am very esthetic but prefer a real connection. It helps me to relax.
Anna x
Two requirements:
1) definitely engage my attention on some level (chemistry included)
and 2) have a healthy open view of himself and others.
Those two things will be the foundation of whether or not I want to see him again.
1) I would love to feel the guy is into me as a person, meaning he somehow shows me he really likes the first glimpses of my personality. 2) Having a heart of gold would be amazing.
Mutual physical attraction is also important, but not as much as these two requirements I have just mentioned.
Thank you very much Matt – amazing as always! (^_^)
For me:
1. I’m so attracted to intelligent/smart guys.. who can speak and discuss my topics. An intelligent man looks (sexy) to me, even if he’s not that attractive physically.
2. I’m an “old-fashioned” girl, so I like a man to be “a man” with me.. doing all the sweet and romantic stuff we see in old movies (haha).
I really want to add more qualities, but you only asked for two :P
Thank you! :))
While I have a few things I’m picky about too, more often than not, I have the opposite problem – I look at the world through rose coloured glasses, and half the time I see good in people that isn’t actually there and don’t see the bad at all, it’s not the being open to them that’s the problem, it’s the writing-them-off-when-we’re-not-well-suited that’s my problem… any advice on that?
I would say respect and and encouraging. the guys i want to be around are ones that bring me up not tear me down.
I was single for 5 years before I met my boyfriend and we have been together for 7 years.I was single for a long time before we met and it was really because i was being picky.It did pay off in the end :)
The two top things I look for in a guy is
1-Intelligence
2-Respectful of others peoples beliefs, race and sexual preference.
sure we all want a sweet, handsome, gentlemen who makes us laugh but those are traits that a lot of people have.
I wouldn’t be able to be with someone who wasn’t smart and open minded.I also consider not accepting or respecting someone due to race or because they’re gay to be an EXTREME turn off.Those were the main reasons I lost interest in any potential partners at the time.
Can’t believe I slogged thru all the answers up to this one. Sophia, bang on!
Wit
Respect
1)friendly and respectful, ideally can make me laugh but some people can be a bit shy and awkward at first, which can often mean they are really good, funny people deep down.
2) Attractive to me, but doesn’t have to be my ideal type either (doesn’t have to look exactly like you for instance^^..sorry I know you get this all the time but I just had to end this on a silly note, facepalm).
Really good advice btw, keep on the excellent work
1. His first name must be Matthew
2. His second name must be Hussey.
;)
The same sense of humor is most important to me. Ive fallen in love with guys who make me laugh non stop :)
First, I would say thanks Matt for all the interesting articles. They have help me learn something new that I didn’t think I ever learn.
Two requirements:
1) Respects and understands me.
2) Confidence. He has trust in himself and in me too.
2 THINGS THAT I NEED IN A GUY WHO I DATE IS
1)HE SHOULD BE NEAT AND KNOW HOW TO MAKE ME COMFORTABLE AND LEAVES NO ROOMS FOR EMBARSSEMENT.
2)HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE ME LAUGH AND CARE NOT TO HURT MY FEELINGS
1) Comfortable with himself, and easy-going
2) Respectful/ self-aware/ in the moment/attentive :D
So many people’s comments are along the lines of “yeah, but he definitelty has to have X, y, or Z…”
I judge that these comments are reflective of missing the point of the article.
OBVIOUSLY if the guys doesn’t meet one’s standards, the relationship would not progress. But what I got out of the article was “Give a guy a chance! Don’t disqualify him before you actually know whether or not someone who doesn’t SEEM your type actually is or isn’t your type.”
You think the guy kinda seemed like a jerk? Maybe he is. But if he asks you out, why not go? Maybe you find out that what you saw was his reaction to someone that provoked him. Or maybe it was an off day for him – he didn’t seem like he cared about anyone else but himself in that study session, but it turns out he was upset about something else, and just had a lot on his mind, and he’s not usually that standoff-ish.
Unless looking at him makes you puke a little, or you fear you might not make it home from a date with him– why not wait to pull out your criteria list until AFTER you’ve given him a chance, if he asks for a date?
Going on a date with someone who doesn’t appear to meet your standards does not mean you’re settling. It means you’re being thorough in assessing the ACTUAL situation, not just the perceived.
I usually avoid dates and even more second dates. My excuse is how do i break it to them when i find myself uninterested. which is a bit silly, because its not so difficult to turn a reltionship prospect into a friendship one if the guy is cool. and definitely not hard to avoid the person in general if he’s not.
1- the guy has to be socially intelligent. I once went on a date with a guy who kept yelling at the waiter and asking me questions to figure me out.
2- He’s gotta be willing to share some stories of himself.