How To Bounce Back From Rejection

I believe winners are defined by how they respond to losing.

In love, we have all been losers.

Remember that rejection you felt, when the cute guy at the party gave you the cold shoulder? Or that time you went on a great first date and he never called again? Or, worse still, that feeling we all have when we fall head over in heels for someone who doesn’t feel the same way?

It is brutal out there. Losing can leave you asking all those big questions: Can anyone truly love me? Will I ever be capable of keeping someone’s interest? Am I just not cut out for relationships and better off single?

We will all lose at some point – It’s a matter of when, not if.

Love won’t always treat us fairly. Sometimes we will do everything right and still lose. And in those moments we cannot afford to learn the wrong lessons from our pain. I’ve seen people who are on the path to amazing things, and trade it all in after experiencing one big failure that knocks them sideways.

When people get rejected in their love life, I’ve noticed two different kinds of mindsets, and from this mindset alone I can tell if a person is ultimately going to recover and find happiness.

Let’s say a woman goes on a date with a guy and he never calls her back. Or maybe he does call back and says he wants to see other people.

In that moment, we have two choices of how we define that rejection in our heads; a high value mindset or a low value mindset.

Which one of these we choose will determine the meaning we ascribe to that rejection:

A low value mindset says – “He rejected me. He realised I’m not good enough for him.”

A high value mindset says – “He rejected me. He has no idea how great I really am.”

A high value mindset makes moving on from rejection so much easier. And it’s not about being delusional and giving ourselves positive fluff to feel better. It’s about saying the truth: “This guy has only been on one (or a few) dates with me. He couldn’t possibly know what he’s missing out on.”

A low value mindset, on the other hand, can paralyze us. It’s the mindset that leads us to neediness, jealousy, insecurity, and all those negative traits that actually make it harder for someone to fall for us in the first place. When we don’t feel like we are the best thing that could ever happen to a guy, we start to worry that he could walk away and find someone better, and then, because we live in fear that he might leave, we cling on even harder, and eventually our neediness drives him away. (By the way, these feelings of unworthiness happen all the time with guys).

So, in these moments of failure, no matter how good-looking or successful we are, how we deal with failure is going to define everything.

If I could teach one thing to young people starting out in life, it would be what is known as RESILIENCE.

RESILIENCE = “The ability to readily recover after disappointment or loss.”

How much resilience we have is going to be determined by which of the above mindsets we choose. When we lose, do we tell ourselves it’s because we deserve to lose? Or do we tell ourselves that this failure is just another story to tell once we achieve the success we should be having?

See, this is what separates high value people – High value people feel like they deserve success, even if they haven’t had success yet.

Low value spend their lives waiting for someone else to tell them they are worthy, and even then they don’t really believe it, because they don’t feel loveable at their core.

Resilience defines people who reach their dreams in life. Without it, we can spend our whole lives missing out on what we deserve because we waste it wallowing in our failures.

The tip for today is to own your failures – they have taught you more lessons than success ever will.

Today I want to ask you a question: what failures have you recovered from that have ultimately made you stronger? Leave a comment and we’ll do our very best to get back to you!

136 Responses to How To Bounce Back From Rejection

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  1. Tami says:

    How do I switch my mindset? In most areas of my life I feel very high value, worthy and resilient. But when it comes to matters of the heart, I’m having a very hard time. It’s very strange because I don’t feel low value, but I think and behave as such. Help needed! Thanks.

  2. Ruth says:

    My husband of 14 years got up and left me oneday. When l was pregnant with our last born who is now 2 he rejected the pregnancy and told me to abort the baby l refused. From that moment till l gave birth he refused to support me and the baby. He never spoke to me for 9 months in fact we did not even sleep on the same bed he slept on the couch in the living room. We were strangers he did not greet me or attend to his other children l did it myself. It hurt it was hard but l stood and in the end l gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. When the baby was 3 months l found out that he was having an affair with one of his work colleagues. I confronted him about it and he denied it and insulted me and called me names. After that he went into his silent treatment phase again. After a month of that he woke up oneday packed his bags and told me he was moving out. He woke all the kids up and told them they cried and begged him to stay but he left. I had no job no money and l was left holding a 4 month baby and two sons that were emotionally confused and hurt. I thought that was my end l cried for months. With the love and support of family and friends l came out of it in one piece. I live alone with my 3 children and l don’t need a man to define me. I am doing absolutely fine and when the right man comes along l know l deserve all the love and respect like any other woman. I will not settle for less, force love on anyone or do stupid things for me to be validated. With or without a man l can make it. I am encouraging all to be strong and believe in yourself. My strongest support pillar was and always will be God…

  3. Dorotea says:

    HI Matthew,

    Thank you so much for these ideas on rejection and resilience.
    I have accumulated many rejection stories, in love of course, but due to th nature of my career.For you to point out that RESILIENCE is the ability to readily recover after disappointment or loss, is so useful to me.

    I am a professional dancer, born in Montreal, that started dance late. I have been rejected from so many professional dance academies, programs and companies that were my ideals and goals. I would sometimes even get limited by my teachers, explaining that I didn’t have “right elements” to become a professional dancer. Every time a rejection came in I was devastated, hurt. But luckily I continues and I am now 33, living in Sweden, and dancing with one of the best contemporary dance companies. Prior to this I was working with a very renown female choreographer in Montreal and touring internationally to festivals with her work.

    I always just chalked up my success to hard work, dedication and love for dance, but I never saw myself as resilient, and its so important to recognize this quality in oneself.

    What I wanted to say mainly, is that your work and your thoughts have not only helped me in love but also in my personal life and career. Your views on how to see oneself as high value and resilient has really helped me through difficult times. I have been single for a while now after a 6 year relationship, which has been difficult to deal with, but your advice and words has really helped the healing process along.

    I still deal with rejection in my career as I am an ambitious person who wants to make the most out of my work and desires change to get to the next level. It’s so trying and difficult to walk into an audition and get rejected when I know my value, my experience and my worst as an artist. It’s a comforting though to realize I am resilient and I know I can continue and maintain my value despite opposite views of others.

    Thank you for your work. It touches so many people.
    Love and respect,


  4. Amarie Brant says:

    Thanks I will try this advice on my son who is struggling getting over rejection and a broken heart whilst at the same time being in early recovery of psychosis,thanks again for breaking down the thoughts on how we look at failure and a mindset of high value it was very interesting.

  5. Marie says:

    Matthew, thank you so, so much for this article. Really; the Internet is rife with horrible “advice” for women and it’s very difficult not to feel like I’m just not good enough for him to want to get to know me. Paired with a childhood full of being bullied, and it’s so hard not to feel like he doesn’t want to even give me a chance because I’m just not worth a chance.

    And so much “advice” out there only further cements that thinking. I really, really appreciate this so much, Matthew Hussey. You’re doing really great work. This really does help change things in my mind, and it helps my heart not hurt so badly.

  6. Lynn says:

    This guy i know for 2 years meet every sunday at church. He stares at me a lot and open the for for me and offers up a seat next to him, approached me to talk once but all he does now is stop what he is doing and watch me with a big smile on his face. he hold eye contact for a while stares right into my eyes. I thought he was shy so i decided to muster up the courage to ask him out for a coffee it was my birthday just so i could get to know him better after all we see each other every week and its odd that we don’t talk. HE REJECTED ME making up excuses he was busy for all next week. I said ok then it is obvious that you don’t want to have anything to do with me so I excused myself and walked out. Its a weird situation . Ive decided to forget him and move to another parish.

  7. Gorg Amps says:

    I still love my ex boyfriend. He said hes still love me and want me. After almost 2 months from our relationship I discovered that she had a fling or previously end this October 2015 cause ive read theyre chat.We recently hangout that’s why I had a chance to ready any in his Facebook that he didn’t know. So I discovrd after me he jumped to the new relationship but it ended this October 2015 they’re just almost 2 months. The girl already blocked my ex so I feel okay I ddnt do anything to his Facebook so he didn’t know he doesn’t even think he left his Facebook in the computer we were chatting then after 2 days in hangout with him I asked him thru chat that if we can start over again and can he love me again. Then he replied no we can’t start all over again because I Dont want a relationship and you can find someone else and he said sorry but at least we had time last night. After that I didn’t reply I just seen the message. Is it right not reply? I feel so embrassed and hurt too. I ddnt know how to resp once and what to responce that’s why I didn’t reply. Is it right?

  8. Tiffany says:

    Going through this right now and I feel more rejected than I ever had before

    Had a great date planned with a guy I was really digging and I thought the feeling was mutual. So he tells me yesterday that he met someone else before our date and he is so head over heels now he didn’t want to waste a good opportunity to miss out on her

    I am beyond pissed and hurt. How do I get over this feeling? I want to tell him off but I can’t be mean. Help!

  9. Carmel says:

    This is what I really needed right now. There was this guy that I really liked and one of his friends tried to set us up (even though he is in a relationship that is going downhill). But he texted me saying he wasn’t interested. But we definitely have a connection. We are constantly ‘accidentally’ touching and the time we spend together is laughter, fun and flirting. I just want to know if things would maybe different if he didn’t have a girlfriend??
    But thanks Matt this really helped :)

  10. Robyn Copp says:

    In early stages of a big rejection right now. We are both divorced with kids. Work for same company, meaning we can either see each other daily or once a month. Totally easy to navigate that part.

    I met him over a year ago and thought I noticed him flirting so I started paying attention. Yup, those deep stares, smiles and eyebrow flashes were getting impossible to not notice. So I started flirting and fell for him.

    After a month or so, I decided to just say it and told him how I felt. He got super embarrassed and uncomfortable so I politely told him I didnt want an answer right then, on the spot but please tell me if it was a definite not being interested. He said he needed to process it and would let me know.

    I saw him two days later and he gave me a blush, eyebrow flash and big smile. Not to be too over confident i waited till I saw him a few more times to be sure. We started talking more and more and he kept flirting. But we never went passed work scenerios. He would lock eyes with me every time I would approach and never veer away until I would walk away 10-15 mins later. Total connection.

    After a few weeks of nothing more I decided I needed to know. I told him how I felt and what I felt about our connection. His reply was that he was flatterrd but didnt feel the same. Sorry. No connection. WTH???? How the heck did I miss that? Any friends who saw us talking would tease me about it cuz it was so obvious. Last week I gave him a hug goodbye. When I pulled away he blushed, sheepishly batted his eyes, eyebrow flashed me repeatedly and smiled.

    All he will say is that he doesnt feel the chemistry for me. Total cut off. Of course, other than work where he wants to remain amicable. Of course I will oblige that.

    But i am devestated. I only fell for him cuz he flirted with me. I second gyessed every flirtation until I couldnt denynit any more. It was obvious. Obviously I was wrong and I feel so incredibly embarrassed and stupid right now.

  11. Jill says:

    I have been rejected many many times in relationships. I have gone through failures in other areas of my life, but they have never felt as traumatic as relationship rejection because I know my worth in other contexts, and up until recently I had no idea my worth in love.

    Romance is difficult – when do you say something? When do you not? How do you know when to leave or stay? How do you know you’ve made a fool out of yourself and said too much? It is a complicated dance (at times) and it doesn’t help that it is the only area in my life that I have never really been successful, so I’ve placed more and more pressure on myself to become successful – even though I never felt worth it.

    After losing my most recently job – due to the fact that I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life, geographically, job wise, financially, romantically and/or otherwise – I decided to take a step back and reflect on the negative reoccurring themes in my life, which I had ignored for years (YEARS). Upon giving myself some breathing room and forgiving myself for all the negative and hurtful things I have berated myself for over the years, something interesting happened. I finally gave myself the permission to breath, take stock of all the wonderful things in my life, and most importantly, allowed myself to love me.

    With this mindset, a shift occurred. I finally let go of all of those idiot guys who used me, took advantage and manipulated situations, and ultimately rejected me (because I was needed etc.). It wasn’t all my fault, how could I win at love when I didn’t even acknowledge all of the wonderful things I was bringing to the situation or my worth? I realized that I am worth so much more than any of that, and those who can’t see my kind heart and loving soul are a little too self absorbed chasing their own version of ‘perfection.’

    Self love has taught me that I am worthy of romantic love. And yes, I may act premature or make a mistake, but we all do, and if someone doesn’t want to continue to get to know me (or be present in our mutual romantic experience), it is really too bad because they are missing out on a wildly positive, funny, loving, compassionate, sexy, intelligent, self-aware woman to spend time with.

    Life is too short for comfort, and I have already lived a life feeling like I’m not worthy of love or that I’m not good enough. I know what that feels like, and quite frankly, I’m sooooooo over it. I’m the freaking bees knees! I discovered I can handle rejection, if someone doesn’t want this fun lady – poo poo on them. I’m going to continue to dance and have a ball in this life – that’s why we’re here :)

    Thanks for the article, such a well timed piece in my life!

    Much love and self love :)

    • KD says:

      Hi Jill,

      Fantastic comment; absolutely fantastic. I needed this and you might have just saved my life. Thank you

    • Jamie says:

      Love your comment! I needed this and need to adopt your attitude about rejection and your love for yourself. I have let rejection get the best of me for a long time. Thank you for this read!

  12. jennifer says:

    How I saved my relationship.. Great testimony!! I was having serious relationship problems with my boyfriend and it had resulted in him moving out to his friend’s apartment. Everything got worse because he started going to bars and strip clubs frequently with his friends, getting drunk and passing out. He always threatens me on phone whenever I call him because of all the bad advises that his friends has giving him. I really love him and we have been dating for 4 years which gave us a beautiful daughter. I have also lost a lot of money on therapists until I was introduced to Dr Mutuma, a powerful prophet by a friend whom he helped to get pregnant after 8years of marriage; this gave me total confidence and strength to get him back. I did all he asked and after 48 hours my boyfriend called me and rushed back home, things just changed between us emotionally. He secured a good job and stopped drinking and keeping irrelevant friends. It’s a miracle I never believed was possible because I had lost all hope until I found Dr Mutuma. So that’s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe. All thanks goes to Dr Mutuma for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in any situation you are or undergoing a heart break or any disease/sickness problem I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. Note That: he will ask you to pay a small token to get few materials to do the work. (drmutumahouseofsolution121@gmail .com) “He always keep his word”

  13. Liz says:


    I found this article after I had experienced a silent treatment post-interview with a prospective employer… It’s awful, considering I was introduced to one of the owners of the company via his contacts. The meeting was warm and respectful, picking my brain in my domain area. Well, after interviews, when I followed up two weeks later, it was silence, silence, and silence. My gut tells me this one won’t work out…

    In my heart, I was shocked. If a close contact’s connection with the higher up decision maker would still justify this type of cold treatment, can you imagine what it would be like to any other job candidates out there who have absolutely no connection with to start…

    So, if you get the job, you will be well treated… And, if you do not, then you are dropped like nothing…

    I feel chills in my heart. Also, I did feel quite good during our phone calls and meetings with the company, so how come I am not able to tell or read what kind of culture they really have…

    I promise in the future when my company is doing the hiring, I will not treat the non-selected candidates the way I was treated…

    Small conscious steps can change the world!!

  14. tina leslie says:

    I dated this guy once I met online well I thought we had fun. I’m a honest person and what u see is what u get I notice he lied on his profile and when we were talking I notice he was lying also. But long story short after our first date we continue to text and about a week I haven’t heard from him. I text and wish him a happy birthday and merry Christmas and no response…..I ask him if he wasn’t interested in me let me know or if it’s someone else let me know no response…..This me a dishonest person is a disloyal one also…. I’m very opinionated I say what I feel and think…..I hold my own. He said he never been anyone my age I’m 45 he is 43 he been with girls like in their 20 or 30s. But I stop texting him I just want to know more of him……

  15. Jessica says:

    Loved this!!! Thankyou!

  16. Jenny. says:

    hey I’m jenny…and I’m 13..I knw I’m too young but I’ve aalso loved someone but he never loved me back. I am really depressed because of this rejection please tell me whaat to do

  17. Jewel says:

    Whoever is reading this, trust me whenever romance shoots a door in your face its for your own good and instead of wondering whats wrong with you think about it in a different mindset ( high value ) that u never really fail you learn a lesson that makes you stronger and more mature for your own true soulmate.

  18. Priyanka says:

    This instantly relieved me :)
    thanks Matt …

  19. Rachael Aguirre says:

    Thank you!!!

  20. Eris says:


    I have always like this guy who just never looked my way. He just look at me as a friend. I know he is never attracted to me, after so many years. We are distant relative, by the way.

    We hardly meet, he never called or text, he dosen’t try to ask me out, he dosen’t do anything, although I have always wished that he would. It is always easy for him to turn around and leave my life. But the problem is each time our life cross path,I just feel something for him.

    The last time we met was 3 years ago, and I think I had forgotten him during that time. I think I did… I don’t understand why universe send him back into my sphere. And once again, I felt that feeling for him… which I know I shouldn’t have.

    I tried this time since our life finally managed to cross path and he turned me down. I know he has every right to turn me down, but my heart just hurt so bad… I wish he would call me now even though the way he turned me down was quite mean.

    There are guys who tried to date me before, but I just don’t feel much, or anything. I just don’t know why he just make me feel in a certain way.

    Would I ever find this feeling on another man? I miss him so much. I know he is never attracted to me, but I don’t know why I like him so much. Cupid must be kidding me.

    I still wish he look my way… I still wish he call me now…

    Sorry to pour my troubles on you. But I don’t know how…


    • Liz says:

      Maybe, it’s because he triggered some pattern or emotional pattern in you that you are familiar with while you were a child. Often times, this person is only to teach you a valuable lesson but should not be the one for you. Just my two cents.

      • Eris says:

        Hi Liz, thanks for your response. Your 2 cents worth are valuable. I hope my mind and heart could see this and stop feeling for him. I hope I don’t ever like him again in my life.

        I saw your comments, how long have you waited? I am sorry. I suffered the same thing in both work and personal. Sometimes, silence is a “NO” (like my case; all these years); and I have learned to accept times of Silence=NO.

        I wish that you find a job that you truly like and pays well soon.

  21. Sarah says:

    hi Mat.

    i’m sure you have heard about the “No Contact Rule” , and it’s not there to basically bring your ex back , it’s more like giving yourself a break to stabilizes your emotions again . BUT, what if i really want him back ???
    i know i invested a lot in him asked him to communicate with me more (excuse: always busy) have been so emotional ….blah blah blah .

  22. karen says:

    I’ve seemed to an excessive amount of bad break-ups, but that’s life. I would say I’ve made bad decisions relating to men, from my first love and cheating husband. I tried so many times to forgive him which obviously did not work and we divorced. When i was with him we didn’t have much in life and I didn’t have many expectations other than to be a good wife and mother.

    I then progressed to a bully and control freak, but gained an insight into the bargain, so a good lesson learned. However, he did the most amazing thing for me he gave me the confidence to achieve in life. The only problem was he didn’t want me to out grow him, and of course I did, hence he started to bully and try to control me out of fear of losing me, which drove me away from him. This time there was no sorrow or pain I was invigorated and glad to be free.

    After a few short-lived relationships which were good and bad and ended for various reasons, I thought I had met the man I would grow old with. I moved in with him after 8 years of a relationship and it all fell apart rapidly due to his sons, who are adults and supposedly not living at home any more, causing problems which neither him or I handled well. This one devastated me, as I had allowed myself to believe that he would always stand by me and protect me. Sadly his love did not run deep enough.

    I was hit hard by this, but have also personally grown as well as suffered. I am an independent woman and I had lost that in this relationship. I had always given and supported him in everything he did, even when it didn’t suit me. His father was ill, so I moved in and helped him till after the funeral and then had to return home to support my daughter through a crisis. Years later he said I’d abandoned him. My mother died and he didn’t stay with me for the night, even though he didn’t have work the next day as it was Boxing Day. The only way he supported me through everything was to throw cash at me. Seems mad now I’m out of it but, at the time I thought he was being caring.

    As me and my friends say about my love life ‘and so another one bites the dust’

    I have followed and learnt many things from you over the past year and decided that I needed to take control of my life again and that I’m the only person outside of my family that I can rely on to make me happy. I’ve not used your site and books to find a man, I wanted to understand they think, but it’s been the insight into my self worth.

    I now feel strong again and I’m enjoying life to the full, I’ve joined a social group -not to date, but I do date, love, laugh and feel confident again. I’ve had some tough times but I’ve grown due to them. I like being single, I’m content and it shows. At 55 yrs of age to be told you’re FOXY, FASCINATING, and numerous other complimentary things by men in their 40’s is all I need to know I’m a quality woman who only accepts quality men who show me respect.

  23. Keira says:

    I guess what makes it harder to maintain resilience after a break-up is that one off or constant text from the other person, which is an indirect reminder of what has happened.

    No one has actually explicitly taught your dedicated readers how to deal with this situation in a productive healthy way …Hint hint

    You can thank me later ;)

  24. Chelsea says:

    It’s taken me a long Time to realise this but it’s so true ! it all comes back to self confidence, without that you will never get anywhere. Good article as always love your work :)

  25. Sweet&Spicy says:

    Wow! I was totally impressed with your words. This is exactly what I need – to realized that I am a high value woman and should have a high value mindset.

    Just had my heart broken because of the man I was dating, I thought everything was perfect – We dated for almost like a month, going out every other day, coffee , dinner, movies, walk me home , calls and text me everyday but then I was playing hard to get – he never really knew I liked him and then I was out of the country for a month for a vacation and when I come back he started playing cold to me but still hangs out with me once in a while – and suddenly my friend caught him dating someone – I ask him personally if he is seeing another girl and then he admitted to me that he is already in a relationship and started dating when I left- I feel cheated and rejected but I have no right as we were not officially together. I still do call him, ask him out and trying to get his attention and now after reading your blog – I stopped and think – What the hell am I doing? He is not even worth it, because if he is, he could have at least waited or confirm to me before jumping on another date or relationship. I need to move on now..

    Thanks Matthew !!! ;-)

    • Kasandra says:

      That’s exactly the same situation I am getting over!!~~~ I think I had too good an impression of him, and couldn’t see past the ‘good persona/ personality’ he had on, when he’s interacting with me. But turns he was dating other people, when he said he wasn’t but I couldn’t sense it. x

  26. Joanne says:

    To answer your question at the end of this entry, I think one example would be the breakup I had with my ex last year.

    Before the breakup, I was just an insecure young girl who needed assurance. Upon breaking up with him, I started empowering myself and trying out new areas in life- like sports, culinary (I could not even fry an egg previously, but I discovered I have good culinary instincts), learning a bit of Japanese, art, writing. Also, I cut my hair short- something I had always wanted to do but held off because he liked long hair. Besides, I became more independent and enthusiastic about life.

    There, getting your heart broken isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The meaning of signals life gives us, is ultimately dependent on how we decipher them.

  27. Desiree says:

    How can you start talking to a guy you really like without him thinking you’re weird?
    I really like a guy from my uneversity, we only stare at eachother but never say a word ’cause we don’t know eachother. I can be really talkative with EVERYONE except with a guy I like and espcially when it comes to iniciating a conversation because I’m afraid he’s going to reject me. I only see the guy when I get out of class, I go out and he goes in into that same classroom. It’s silly how I can’t even say hi or something.

  28. Lovelin says:

    I not know how to love,am confuse.

  29. Boriana says:

    I don’t believe in the “deserve” thing. I believe that everything in life is a GIFT! :) Just as life itself. Gift from God. So we don’t deserve, but we surely NEED the best! and we should be looking for it! And then when it comes … just be thankful for that gift. That’s how I see it .. :)

  30. Boriana says:

    Hi Matt,
    Sometimes we have both of these feelings and we are fighting for a long time …! One is prevailing over the other … then in worse moments comes the fist. It is difficult, because the feeling of being worthy is not only a belief, it is mainly a feeling. It is related to emotional stability. But in some life situations we are not very stable emotionally. And this is when losses are really difficult to overcome and bad experiences can leave scars for a whole life.
    Sooo … it’s good to be careful, whom we communicate with, to have clear perspective of what we want and what we look for (what is important for us!), and to tell it CLEARLY to the other person! (So mistakes and misunderstandings are minimized.) And it’s good not to be frivolous, and better be careful not to hurt other people. But unfortunately I learned this from a bad experience …! God …, can we not learn only from the good experiences?! :)

  31. Anna says:

    I forgot to add… …i believe..Its the same In sport and in love… people will try to hurt You.My only advise to ladies is …be good women and know your values …it hurts horribly when men are acting the way they do…but my only advise would be to stay positive, good ,know how good You are…be proud that You are ladies ! men hurt because theyve been hurt by somebody else and they are really insecure… be proud that You are ladies because knowing Your value will get You anywhere You want to be in life :)

  32. Anna says:

    well I hope Im gettin the question right…My failure was my weakness…. when I was a teenager I was bullied in school. It was pretty bad I was extremely depressed because of that.Every single day I was crying in my room and going to school seemed to be a nightmare for me. My mum thought that I could do something with my spare time after school just to get my mind off thoughts about school…so I signed up for swimming.My first days were horrible I was really scared ,swimming pool was like the ocean .It was all I could think of when i was lookin at the pool…that its a massive ocean and water seemed to be a great power .Although after months I was swimming very well,It came so naturally,soon water became my getaway and I felt like a fish.There was no one who could complete with me … I became the best in the group.Because I had swimming as a part of sport lessons in school …soon my teachers have started noticing that I am on a different level than other girls.One day we had swimming lessson with lads who were bullying me.I guess they egos have started speaking for them and they challenged me. I won.I won with a group of way stronget than male bullies.But It was not about winning anymore… i became a totally different person in my mind….finally I saw that I am a valuable person..that I shouldnt be ashamed of who i am .I would never thought that Ill b so good in sport.I think thats a lesson for everyone..dont hurt anyone ,be proud of what You do,youre priceless no matter what they say You can be the best in whatever You want.Just do it!

  33. joy says:

    thanx 4 d post matt. Am having a similar problem of rejection, i met this guy about two months ago. Things were going well b/w us. But i was so much worried dat we may end d relationship sooner than later. My worried was that he never introduce me to any of his friends or family.but each time i called him or he called me, his always in d mist of his family or friends but never mention my name to them. So within me i felt am not special to him and i stop calling him. Since then he has not called me too for about three weeks now. I hv move on with my life bcos he is d loser and not me

  34. Angeldust says:

    So many girls here with similar plight!!
    He turned cold he pulled away he disappeared on me. Gosh how can we smarter and KNOW in advance if a guy was going to do that, before being too involved?
    It kinda makes me angry to know so many guys are so weak so bad at being honest and respectful to women!!!
    Or are women too blinded by the idea of romance that they don’t see those signs when they surface? Matt often say don’t play games and just be authentic, the best way to be in dating- but this evidently isn’t the brief the guys got!!
    Being open and believing in the good of people often requires you to trust and go with the flow, but what if people constantly let you down?
    Surely there must be some tips to get women to be smarter and less likely to be hurt?

  35. Hellena Charilaou says:

    Hello Mathew dear – I’ve been through all your get the guy stuff and with this article you’ve just pushed the nail right through my head so to speak.
    I’ve been
    “A low value mindset says – “He rejected me. He realised I’m not good enough for him.””
    BUT I’m just about here:
    “This guy has only been on one (or a few) dates with me. He couldn’t possibly know what he’s missing out on.”

    I also think this is what is wrong with ‘my guy’:
    “…(By the way, these feelings of unworthiness happen all the time with guys).”

    So how can we right two wrongs? – After three years I know or feel that deep down we were meant for each other with all our faults and our good points. (I’m now 59 and had come out of an abusive 25 year long marriage).

    With all I know now, I’d just love to have a fresh start taking it from that first date with ‘my guy’. But we don’t hear or see each other anymore.I had become very needy when he wouldn’t see me.I wrote and wrote and then he put a ‘stop’ to that as well (4 months now no contact)
    Thanks again for all your help. I know I still have a lot of other issues to work on. Wish I could come to your week intensive rehab. I will as soon as I get the opportunity.
    Best, Hellena

  36. Nightingold says:

    I have recovered a relationship with mental violence by a ex-partner with a narcissistic disordered personality.
    Today I have even more confidence and feeling more happy than before that unhealthy relationship.
    And this was mostly by lifting my mindset to:
    I’am a wonderful person and I deserve the best
    I changed my mindset and thereby changed my life

    Back “on the sunny side of the street, dubi dubi duuu”

  37. Somia says:

    Hi Mattew

    Thanks a world for the useful in formation you share with us.
    I my self have had a painful experience of seperation, but I believe it had made me much more stronger. i think i’m not deeply hurt by bad events which happen for me after that event. it was painful but necessary.
    tnx again.

  38. Mandira Halder says:

    Hey Matthew,
    Thank you so much for ths inspiring post because I had a small heartbreak a week ago. I met a guy I liked and we met three times in public places with friends. Each time, we became so engrossed in conversation that we were completely oblivious of the surroundings.
    And then I met his parents. While his father liked me, his mother snubbed and ignored me completely. Since then, my guy has gone cold and only sends me polite sms or chat scraps now and then. This sunday, he said he was busy but he finally came in for a group hike with another girl. He lied to me saying that he had work to do.
    More than hurt, I feel so angry. And this is not the first time that it has happened. Why do some men lie ? Why can’t they be forthright and say that they have a girlfriend already ? Why the need to pretend that they are single and then they want to lead women on ?
    Anyway, I ignored him completely during the hike and I think he understood because he sent me a message asking me how I was. Apart from that, I had a gala time during the hike bantering with other male and female friends. We are all expatriates in Switzerland. I felt so loved and appreciated by my other fellow hikers.
    Now I’m a naturally resilient person having grown up in a difficult family with a special brother, a depressive father but with the best mother in the world. Listening to your youtube videos has made me work on being high value. So i sent him a message wishing him a nice evening and saying that though I’m physically exhausted,I had a great time and now I’m energetic again. I also wished his friend well. It was hard, very hard at first but I succeeded.
    I think he has no idea what he is missing. So I absolutely agree with you that we should be high value and move on. Besides, in all modesty, I have a nice career as a young researcher and an amateur classical pianist and lyrical soprano ? Why should I settle for less ?

  39. M says:

    I still freak out altogether but am trying to slowly regain my confidence.

  40. Mika says:

    Everyone WANTS to have that high value mindset.

    HOWEVER, it’s a lot easier said than done and this is where people really struggle. This is where I think internal beliefs about yourself are at play here.

    I am curious about your thoughts on what a person is suppose to do if they instinctively and automatically react to rejection with a low value mindset?

  41. rakia says:

    at first yes and i keep saying i don’t need anybody to complete me also nobody deserves me but then i felt lonely and i had thoughts that i will be that woman who’s successful but lonely and who has only work and dog maybe or cat who’s showing everyone that she’s happy but when she comes home all what she feels is loneliness so i think i need to meet guys before that trust in myself turns to negatif

  42. Ileana says:

    A few months ago, I got rejected by a man who said to me verbatim: “it’s not you, it’s me. You know, lately I am not attracted by any woman in particular, even if they are interesting and attractive, at least until the sixth pint of beer!”. At the time, I wanted to kill him. Now I really thank him for what he did to me. ;-)

  43. jenny abbot says:

    I think it is important to be vigilant about giving ourselves self respect and unconditional love EVERY DAY!

    I think that it is important to be vigilant about giving
    ourselves self respect and unconditional love every day.
    People know that they should do this but forget that you should do this as a daily practice, I think affirmations
    along these lines can be beneficial. I think little
    rituals which represent self respect and cherishing yourself need to be done frequently. It is part of the
    art of living to cherish yourself. I read a lovely book
    recently that was written in the 1980’s by
    Alexandra Stoddard which is basically about switching
    your attitude so you are in a state of grace, a state
    in which self-respect and dignity are embued. she is a fan of the man of letters Samuel Johnson who seemed to
    be a very wise and much respected individual. probably
    worth adopting some of his philosophy.

    I think someone earlier mentioned that being single is
    stigmatized. It would be interesting to examine where
    the stigma came from years ago, beacause it does seem
    to make people feel insecure about single status which
    is a shame because it is best to be relaxed about it.
    I think it is very important in life to be able to laugh
    about our insecurities and foibles, it puts them in
    perspective and makes us lighten up a bit and more
    easy to be around.

  44. Raya says:

    Thank you Matthew so feels so good to read your article; you keep reminding us that we are human beings after all and that the best thing about life is to keep learning and discovering.. and resiliency is key feature to our journey if we want to enjoy it….thank you again

  45. Jayd says:

    Hey Matthew! Reading this i know where my mindset Is just a little bit better now! I all so realized that I need to put myself out more I don’t like to handle the rejection or the pain or the embarrassment of Rejection. reading some of the other people stories made me realize that we all Bounce back back

  46. Athena says:

    Thank you so much Matthew for your brilliant insights…always at the right time, I have been seeing this guy semi-regularly for almost 4 months now, in the beginning i rejected him and 2 days later he came back so i decided to give it a shot, now that i’m starting to develop feelings for him he gives mixed signals, I feel so confused, i try to make sense of it all but no answers… Lately he does’t make plans or wants to see me last minute, when i stop paying him attention he goes crazy texting, but when i’m there he plays games…i don’t want to get hurt again should I just move on? Or can i still do something here?
    Thank you so much! You are the best… xoxo

  47. Hannah says:

    For so long I have been controlled by my fear of rejection so thank you for writing this blog.
    Over the past year I have been totally smitten by this guy. We met at church and we just seemed to get on so well straight away. I guess he was just being friendly but I fell for him.

    Unlike my first crush who lead me on for a long time, this guy bluntly told me ( which I respect him for) that I reminded him of his sister and that we should just be friends. With that kind of response, it’s no surprise I was totally gutted and until now had been stuck in a low mind set. I just kept thinking if I changed myself, maybe he would think differently.

    After reading this though, I feel like a total muppet for wasting precious tears and time over this, when I could have taken up new opportunities. Thank you!

    Please can I ask you for advice how to respond to him now? We always see each other at Church and at socials. He sometimes can be incredibly awkward and distant when talking to me and our friendship seems to be dwindling which I really hate.

    How can I rebuild a better friendship but without giving him the impression that I’m going to start chasing him again?

  48. FM says:

    Very good post… it describes my mindset perfectly. I’ll have to work horribly hard to change it, but thanks for pointing this out :)

  49. little_wonderful_thing says:

    I’m recovering after a fling with a man who was drop-dead gorgeous and we seemed to click in all areas, but suddenly he pulled a fade-away on me…At times I have this thought that maybe I did smth wrong and scared him away, but then I remember that there was still no conversation of being exclusive after 3months/future plans included our common friends, but my name was never mentioned/he was not showing affection in front of our friends who knew we’re not “just friends” and, whats most important, in front of other men (potential rivals!). So what makes me stronger is knowledge what signs I should not miss out when deciding whether I should keep on investing my time into certain relationship.

  50. Kate says:

    Hi Matt

    I’m stuck in the same situation, I don’t know whether I’m rejected as he hasn’t contacted me nearly 2 weeks, I tried to text and ring him last Thursday but he didn’t take my call and get back to me. I feel really sad. We had a great first date last month but since then he rarely contact me. I need your advice whether I should give up and forget him?

    Thanks Matt x

  51. janz says:

    hi mat, thx soo much 4 ur lovely info, it happened to me twice in my life that i felt like shit when the guy went away Now i realise i was too needy and thought i wasnt good enough.
    But im back on dating and i choose the person not them choosing me :) i always think high value is the best way to go in life. I do apply your methods too. u r a great guy who knows inside out of the subject x

  52. Anna H says:

    Another prod at the right time!
    You asked; what failures have you recovered from that have made you stronger?
    Surviving 4 yrs living with undiagnosed depressed partner, breaking up with him; moving out of his house -in the subsequent 2 yrs moving 5 times including living in a flat under an alcoholic drug addict who liked to beat up his girlfriend, grandmother and cat dying, going through re-deployment at work..

    Still recovering! A large part of it for me is giving myself permission to have fun having gritted my teeth and plodded on through for the past couple of years…

    Recognised I have a pattern of going out with guys who like me but who I’m not that mad keen on – less chance of getting hurt. I’ve made a conscious effort not to that this time but dealing with the negative self-talk…not easy…

  53. jane says:

    thank you for this article! my boyfriend of two years left me a month ago, i still don’t know the real reason, but it made me feel so miserable…. this words of yours: “The tip for today is to own your failures – they have taught you more lessons than success ever will.” … really helped me because i know that one day i will look back and see this situation as a great life lesson that i had to learn on a hard way to know that i deserved better!


  54. Anna says:

    Thanks Matt! As usually great topic and great answers!
    Before this article I just committed with myself that I want to meet great interesting people (men) starting this week. This article just gives me more confidence for the long run. There will be disappointment but I hope also a lot of fun.

    Thanks you really like us!
    x A

  55. Elle says:

    Thanks for this reminder! I used to live in a state of wallowing, but after doing a lot of ‘inner work’ I’ve shifted how I view each situation. I was recently head-over-heels over a guy that turned out we never really meshed. However, I now choose to take from it that he inspired me to get back to the gym and clean up my diet. Now I’m committed to getting healthier again and I’ve never felt better about myself! The next guy is one lucky fella!! Thanks again!

  56. Jess says:

    I am someone (or used to) prefer to be the “girl that got away” over the girl that got rejected. I always kept guys at a distance so that I’ll feel in control. I even have a reputation for being picky, and sometimes i’m afraid if I show interest in someone and they don’t show it back that I would look pathetic. But I am finding myself making more eye contact and being more open lately. Whick is very easy if Im surrounded by friends and having a good time. But It’s hard for me to be like that when I’m alone. I turn into an ice princess.

  57. Angeldust says:

    Hi there,
    For me too this article came at the right time. Great reading it and knowing many are going thru this as I am. Intellectually i understand the content of the post, but emotionally I find it hard. Any tips/idea why or how?

    My story-Met a guy 3 months ago things moved very fast and we had great chemistry and were already planning next few months together, he professed our first date was his last first date ever and that we were matchmade in heaven…but he had gone cold a month ago i tried to set up a coffee date to see what was going on him but he didn’t call and I didnt want to seem to be chasing him, so we didnt get to talk. I cut contact since and he got back in touch recently and I basically told him I was disappointed/ hurt and i m not interested if its just for chit chat. He said sorry he didnt mean to hurt me and that he’d leave me alone. It seems to be all settled but I feel, rejected. Intellectually it’s easy to think – his loss. But emotionally it’s hard to accept someone can forget all the moments and memories that only 2 people share. How to reconcile this feeling?

    • Boriana says:

      And maybe you can try to forgive him and keep in contact again?

      • Angeldust says:

        Thanks Boriana for your message. It’s hard when I already told him off and he hadn’t really tried to redeem himself beyond that :( its disappointing and I obviously care more than he does so I suppose I am just protecting myself or having a high value mindset to say “ok its your loss I m moving on, not holding my breath for you if you are not that bothered.”
        Anyways it’s over :”( I have been really upset about his going cold-like REALLY upset because I was really happy and hopeful with him at the beginning.

        Thanks though it’s nice to have an outlet and other perspectives!

        • Boriana says:

          Hi Angeldust,
          I don’t know if you will read this, but will answer back …
          It’s true it seems he does not care. Or he cares less than you. But still, you might have offended him in some way. I don’t see anything bad in that to try again to contact him – not just offering yourself, at any price (not that); but telling him what you would like to have or feel, if you had a relationship with him. In this way (according to his reaction then) you can make yourself sure if you have missed someone special, just because of your pride and fears.

  58. Christina says:

    Thanks Math for article I will try to use it in future,but really I don’t even know what to answer you, because I think I was never rejected…I mean, I never tried to start relationship with someone. And I even never had some relationship, though I’m 19 years old already :( I don’t know what to do and what’s the problem..well I know the problem is that I almost don’t have the guy friends, but I really don’t know where to get them. And one more problem is that when I meet new people I don’t know what to talk about with them, no matter is that girl or guy,but if it’s a guy 100% that I will just keep silent. See my problem isn’t that I’m too shy to ask something, I just really don’t know WHAT to ask. Because i’m not interested in answers to those basic question where you from how old are you….and so if i’m silent I think people think i’m boring person. But in real life it isn’t because with my friends I always joke, i’m funny and all that stuff, well like everyone are with their friends :D But when i’m with stranger I have that stopper and person just can’t get to know me I sit here in my 19’s alone :( Big thanks for reading, hope for reply :))

    • Nikol says:

      Hi! :) I think I understand you. I had the same problem when I wanted to meet some new guys, so I just went to the city, walking with my sister and talking about everything and suddenly a very handsome guys tried to talk to us. They asked us about where we were going and whether we want to join them and things like that and I met 2 guys who are in love with me now in the city. So I advise you to go out and have fun and when you are asked by some guy about you, tell him about your hobbies, ask about his hobbies, be funny and don´t be too serious – guys like girls who are funny, can make fun of themselves and are relaxed :) I think that this could help you…at least you can try it :))

      • Christina says:

        Thank you for advice, now I understand that I still have a chance to meet new people anywhere. But agree with me, that it’s not so easy to wait that some guy will come to you and want to know about you something :D And there’s also so many guys that are very shy, so I can forever go to different places and never meet guys,but as I told before I’m so confused at meeting new people that starting meeting by myself is just worthless.

  59. Nikol says:

    Ahoj, my name is Nikol, I´m 19 years old girl from Slovakia and I fell in love with a boy who doesn´t care about me and he always spend time with very “cheap” girls from parties with no intelligence and stupid behaviour. I´m very successful in my business and have everything I want because of my hard work, so he wouldn´t have to take care of me like he had to take care of his ex who was a total gold digger :/
    To be honest, I don´t know why he is not in love with me. I work as a model sometimes and I´m an entrepreneur in international corporation on very high position, every guy would like me to be his girlfriend and I don´t want anyone – only him. That´ s why I haven´t had any boy for 2 years – I still wait for him :( And when we were out once, we talked for a few hours and then kissed but then he didn´t call me again. He made up some excuse that he heard something from my friend and he doesn´t want to talk to me anymore – then my friend told me that it was just an excuse. One year later we went out again, he broke up with his girlfriend several months before that and I thought that it was time to finally give me a chance. We talked for several hours, had a great time and kissed again but he never called again. I was desperate. He is a DJ so sometimes he invites me to a party via FB and then we exchange some comments, but we don´t communicate a lot. He writes me SMS sometimes “:)” or “Wow I like your comment”, “Why everyone asks me why I dont want you? :) “and things that doesn´t really make sense. I´m sure I deserve someone who will be completely happy to be my future husband but I can´t help loving this DJ, so every guy who is in love with me is rejected by me just because of this one guy. I need to accept the fact that I´m rejected and move on but I can´t. I don´t know what to do, it is so hard to handle the fact that one and only boy I truly love is not interested in me….

    • Boriana says:

      It seems he really does not deserve you. And there are no chances for him to love you … :( And since you cannot make some to love you, you’d better move on …

  60. Shell says:

    Just what I needed, I love the positive vibe with your blogs and messages. For me, this month makes one year since a disastrous fallout with a friend. It seems disastrous because he knew I had feelings for him, most importantly he knew he had no feelings for me, yet he made a play and I fell for it. He disappeared without a word for weeks, as a poster above stated, I guess childhood issues of not being good enough or deserving so little results in acting out, mostly fear and unworthiness. Still trying to determine if he was ever a friend (known him for 2 years) and I need to stop focusing on the “why’s and how’s” and start focusing on myself. Your comment about low-value mindset really hit home. Of course I have my good days and bad days, and I know now that it’s about me, and not him. I hope tomorrow I will wake up and instead of regret at the loss of a friend, instead be thankful that he taught me this necessary yet painful lesson in love.

  61. Rani says:

    Oh and I did date someone for many years who didn’t end up marrying me. Now, I know I am the lucky one who does not have to deal with this guy. After several years he tried to get back together with me after he was married with someone else. This guy never new what he wanted or what he wants now. I feel relieved that he is not in my life. But, at one time I did not feel good enough. Now I know, it was never me.

  62. Liz says:

    I’ve recently done something I’ve never done before: I picked up a guy from the bar, took him home, and we had a lovely night and breakfast the next morning. During the day, he said one time he’d like to see me again, but then took it back quickly. He lives 2,5 hrs away from me in a small country where this seems like a long distance. I sent him an email 3 days later saying I’m going to be in his town in couple of weeks and if he’d like to meet up for a drink or something. He told me “I had a wonderful night with you, but I think I’d like to leave it at that.” I thought to myself “But you don’t know what kind of a person I am…You think I’m the kind of person who picks up people from the bars all the time.” So, I am fine with the rejection, I think it must be something to do with what he wants for himself, but at the same time I am questioning if what I did (and I did it a few more times since then) is really the way that reflects and enacts the best me. I guess the answer is no. However, having been a rather touchy-feely person without a lover for more than a year, I feel I am too hungry for love… for both the emotional and physical aspect of it and even just being lovers, hugging, kissing, etc.. It’s difficult to deal with that hunger, and just to play the game to let the fish come to the bait. It seems just easier here to be direct to get what you want. Are we in an era where sleeping with someone quickly still does not mean the man would not want to pursue a real relationship with you?

    • sarah says:

      Hey liz! It seems such an unfair world sometimes does’nt it? The truth is we teach others how to treat us. In other words, if we want to recieve love, respect etc then we have to first give them to ourselves. Having a true sense of who we are by being in touch with our inner values & not just our wants (which can often be fickle, ego based & not what we think we want anyway) will naturally cause us to show in our actions who we are & how we expect to be treated. Quality guys want a quality girl. Be that girl & watch the interest from quality guys come your way. Sure, they wont all be right for you but by the time you’re truly ready for the kind of love to come that you really want, u won’t care anyway & will enjoy the whole dating process alot more! I hope this helps, love, light & so much happiness, Sarah x

      • Lifelover says:

        Hey Sarah,
        I have been BEING that quality girl with high standards, fun, outgoing, affectionate, easy to talk to for 2 years with only 3 or 4 dates with men I was interested in. I am good looking, in great shape, middle age, very active. How do I find and attract the great guys?

  63. Simona Stefanakova says:

    Failures have taught us more lessons than success ever will? Seriously? So instead of feeling sorry for myself I should be grateful? Why is it that way? Why do we have to learn the hard way? As I was pondering about it I realized if it wasn’t for the failures that I have experienced, I wouldn’t be where I am now today and they have taught me so much indeed! Thank you for your advice. Now I can look at my failures from a different perspective and turn them into a future success.

  64. Vee says:

    After 25 years married, my husband cheated on me.. I found out and ended our relationship,I felt very rejected for a very short period of time, then thought I have the rest of my life to live and enjoy the new adventures that will come my way. Over the last two years he has tried very hard to win me back. But in this same tiime I have learned so much about myself and I really like me.. I have grown so much and my new life on the most part is fabulous.. I met an old friend recently, he pursued me for two months, then finally seduced me ( I allowed it to happen) over a 6 week period I had an amazing time with him till, the calls, text and messages stopped.. But to be really honest I gained a lot from this brief incounter, I found that I was funny, still sexy, spontaneous and enjoyed the times we shared. Now looking to learn more and get the right guy, fantastic adventure

  65. marie says:

    i like one of the ladies earlier have been victim of domestic abuse having eventually got away i have tried to rebuild my life i have met many men who use vulnerable women like myself for their own sexual needs telling me im just the woman in their lives they want i fall for it many times as i did again last nite but wen he told me my past was a problem to move forward i again think user your loss im worth the one that really wants me and will have me in time and i have to pic myself up again n start again i wont give up on finding him im 53 so its not jus young women who go thro this thank u for your suppot

  66. Brenda says:

    (sorry for the english)
    Umm, it’s funny because reading this article made me think of all the guys I’ve cried over lol. It is really not easy for us ,women, to believe we value. Especially when that one guy we’ve fallen for doesn’t have the same feelings. What has gotten me to let go of that negative ”What is wrong with me” type of thinking was that quote I found. ”Don’t you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are.” You are wonderful and if that guy doesn’t realize that, well too bad for him. It doesn’t mean or change anything about you and who you are. Thanks again for the article :)

  67. anna says:

    Cried!! Mathew to your post .. I also felt a hand rejecting a thought I loved me. I’m seeing a strong man over 2years whole life I was given.

    But after a beautiful moment I felt that he canot love me for life just like that if we need each hes there, but if he dont no call or nothing at all. I talked to him and demand and His answer did he want me just being me and no love ..

    I feel really upset about it for almost 5months, so for now not seing him anymore i love myself and my body time will come.

    thanks matherw.. hope u had a great weekend..

  68. mivi says:

    one of my most recent one was falling for someone. we’ve known each other for about 3-ish years and he was the first guy that i had such true feelings for but somewhere along the line I felt that he had me on the friend list. i also knew there was something more than the “just friends” but we never mentioned anything to each other…well i had admitted to him that i had liked him because it was going to hurt me seeing him everyday knowing that he had some one else by his side. from this situation… I think I learn alot of myself and what
    I should of done if I had feelings for someone earlier.. the whole “waiting” game
    is only bound to hurt someone at the end. it
    helped me open my eyes to look at other things than just losing one

  69. Nicola says:

    I totally agree with Saz…!!

    You post great articles, that are inspirational, and give me hope when men are being rubbish!! :)

    Nic x

  70. Paula says:

    Read your article this am… others said, came at a good time. I know I am a great person, a good friend, have a good job. I let the lonelyness in and I find myself down. But, I remember something ‘I am worth it’. If he dosen’t want to be with me, his loss. Don’t get me wrong, being 42 and single and not movie star body quality can be tough, but you know, I have alot to offer. I very lucky to have friends to remind me on those down days. Your article was right on. Now, where to find the great guy. A friend offered to try the speed dating thing….lol, I don’t know about that. Time to up my confidence to a higher level! Thanks again!

  71. Claudia says:

    I have fallen for a man that I never met. It started one year ago…meeting online, sending pics, texting, emailing and talking on phone. But we still have yet to meet. He says he doesn’t want a relationship but I do.

    I know it sounds ridiculous to have such feelings for a man I haven’t met in the flesh! I feel a special connection between us. There are times that I feel VERY LOW and down on myself because he is not pursuing me as much as I’d like. But I don’t want to give up on him. We are still talking about meeting in the future.

    I try to stay positive but inevitably become depressed and angry with the situation. And wonder if I should give up on him??

    • sarah says:

      Hey claudia!
      I hope you dont mind me replying to your post. It seems to me that the fact this guy has told you he is’nt ready for a relationship means that he is’nt emotionally available to you. A year is way too long to be talking without committing to meeting on his part, hence his emotional unavailibility. The fact that you are reluctant to heed his words & hold on regardless could indicate that you too, are emotionally unavailable & if this is the case, you really need to work on why this is so before having any kind of real chance at a healthy relationship in the future. there is a fantastic website that teaches you every thing you need to know from healthy relationships/relationship troubles to how to build your self esteem etc: (I hope this is ok by the ‘get the guy’ team (Matthew) who I also think is amazing. I hope this helps, good luck x

  72. Michelle says:

    This couldn’t have come at a better time, because only a couple of days ago, I had resigned myself to staying single forever! Been trying online dating on and off for the past year or so and even though I have met several really great guys, none of them have turned out to be relationship material. I kept trying not to take it personally, but the constant rejection became too heartbreaking and I gave up. Its a shame as this is the only method I can depend on to meet new men, because there seems to be a complete lack of available guys in my hometown.

    Since reading this article I’ve come to realise that I have adopted the “low value” mindset and it really made me stop and think. It’s hard to try and change the habit of a lifetime, but I know I’ve got to try. If anything, meeting lots of different guys has brought me closer and closer to knowing what it is I want from my ideal relationship. Any tips or mantras you could suggest for helping someone think positively about themselves? Thank you for reading x

  73. kahlua67 says:

    Hey after spending spring and summer doing reno’s with a man, having some great heart to hearts, he said he was looking forward to getting to know me better, hoping this would go beyond a friendship. He tells me he does not do relationships…his loss. The positive I gained a friend, he boosted my self esteem and inspired me to take care of myself , my home. Sometimes you need to learn to love and accept yourself before you can like or love anyone else. Enter guy # 2 who tells me I look fantastic after losing 45pounds….;o) So we will see where this goes ;o) It is about meeting and getting to know lots of different people. Since I have my self esteem back and with the weight loss alot of different men are noticing me that I know would not have before. And I am having fun flirting ;o)Hugs to everyone.

  74. Zara Brown says:

    Hey Matt,

    wonderful article! I’ve been through many failures in my life that has made me stronger and has made me more determined to achieve my goals and most i have achieved already. However, like most people certain events has given me certain issues, such as i don’t like being friends with girls most of time. I find i’m a lot more open with men. One of my biggest issues is trust. I believe when im with guy, i know he wont cheat and im not the jealous type. However im scared of the person i’ll be come when i eventually go into relationship. i’ve some of my best friends due to relationships, and i dont want to become that person.

    Im a confident, passionate person and i enjoy dating, i had 3 dates this week (all of them great, amazing guys), However whenever it comes to close to getting into a relationship i ruin it for myself and run a way.
    However i really want to get rid of this mind frame so i can eventually settle down into a relationship without changing who i am.
    Im going on a date on tuesday with a guy ive liked for a while, and i dont want to mess it up for myself over the fear of commitment! Help please?

    • Carlota says:

      Hey!!! What has helped me, and I consider will help you, be as woman as possible, free your tenderness, it will give you strength and happiness… tenderness is not obsessed with control… which is fear… so wide your heart. I guarantee you will be in harmony with yourself!!!

    • Lifelover says:

      Hey Zara,
      WOW 3 dates in 1 week !!!! With great, amazing guys as well !! I’d be happy to get 3 dates with men I am interested in in 1 month. How do you do it? Are you under 40 years old? Do you live in a large city? I get out, go dancing, bike riding, yoga, meditation groups, farmers markets etc, but rarely find anyone I am interested in. A few older men sometime indicate interest in me, but they seem too much like my dad.

  75. Eva says:

    I find it cery difficult to open up for new people,especially men I’m attracted to. This results in me beeing very quiet, tense and nervous and I really don’t know how to get past this problem. I do have some very good guy friends though, so I’m used to talking with guys. I have been on a few dates but I havn’t felt very comfortable during them and afterwards I havn’t heard from these guys again. I do feel dissapointed when this happens but I try to think that he doesn’t know what he is missing if he doesn’t even take the time to get to know me properly etc. I just wish I could relax just a bit. Enough to function properly and be the quick minded woman I usually am.

  76. Lily says:

    Thank you so much, Matthe for such an article. The last reply almost answered my doubt. But I still cannot understand, what is that in me that stops every time I see a cute guy, who doesn’t make a first move – risk of being rejected (which can now be easier overcomed after reading your article) or my natural shyness? If it is the latter, what would you suggest me doing? Sometimes men are just so slow !

    Lily :)

  77. deena says:

    Hi Matt,

    Thanks for this post. I’ve had more than my fair share of dating flops & rejections.I used to blame myself when a guy stopped calling or went cold on me. I now it wasn’t always down to me. I always want know why and understand Iwon’t get the answers I want.
    I find it hard to be positive and think finding the right guy won’t happen for me,when everyone around me seems blissfully happy – what can I do?

  78. Danielle says:

    Thanks for posting this, Matthew. I really needed it. I’m in high school, so it’s different from other people commenting, but I recently asked out a guy I’ve had a crush on for two years. I was just starting to get comfortable talking to him in general and I realize now that asking him out was way too premature. He said he was busy and I swear he even raised an eyebrow when I asked. I’m convinced he just didn’t want to say the words. He is a nice guy. I haven’t spoken to him since, vice versa. I’d call that a failure. Now I’m trying to resurface from it. Not easy…

  79. Linda Graney says:

    My last relationship with a guy was difficult in the sense that we were not in the same place emotionally in our lives even though we had a chemistry between each other. It was better that we part ways, but even though our encounter was very short, I learned a couple of things about myself. First, I learned exactly what kind of relationship I am looking for, and secondly, I realized the problem early enough and I did not allow myself to fall too deeply in love, knowing that it would be so much harder to let go.

  80. Sharynsmiilz says:

    I,ve been in a relationship now for about 6 months with a guy who drives truck for a living. he is not here very often, and I actually have not had the chance to see him for over 3 months now. I hear from him regularly, if not often and he always expresses his wish to see me again soon. But there are many times I have sent him a text to ask a simple question or make small talk again and get absolutely no reply.

    I am trying to stay focused on the good I have to offer and am always upbeat and happy when I do hear from him. I am just wondering how to interpret his behavior. Just a very difficult relationship, I know.

    Your post today has reminded me that I need to focus on my happiness, more than what will become of this relationship. Thanks for the reminder.

    • Boriana says:

      Maybe you have to be careful with that … And say to him what you need and expect from one relationship. If you don’t feel good and that does not suit you, it might be better to cut it. I have similarly been in contact with a guy who would always “love to see me”, but was far and didn’t have that “possibility”, and finally (after about 2 years) it ended in the situation that I was deeply in love, and he just “really liked me very much” – which I never understood what meant …

  81. Jean says:

    This post just hit the nail on the head, it’s so relateable! Being left wondering and in doubt with yourself is so mind boggling. Then on second thoughts, I shouldn’t doubt my ability of being able to find someone who would truly love me. Thanks Matthew and crew!

  82. Lora says:

    Hi, thanks… It’s sure, we have to be stronger inside, and I know what are my values, but… if you’ve been rejected for any reason… there could be a wall around you, and now I feel that Im not easily moving out of it… do you understand it? :) Its not easy at all to show my true and wonderful self to any man, not mention if Im in love… what you think of it? How could I share myself with courage? Bye

  83. Rani says:

    I love this post. You really are so motivating. Because of you I am always speaking of being high value.

  84. demitra says:

    I enjoyed reading this article matthew.I had this experience earlier this year not with one but a couple of dates!!Which lead me to your videos.The thing i realized that it was ok,That yes we all have things to work on,But i’m a dynamic woman no matter what anyone things of me i deserve someone that will accept me and all of me,Thanks again for insight.

  85. Layla says:

    I have never really been rejected from any guy I liked… But I have been in a situation where a guy would show me so much attention and affection but would never tell me directly, he would show sooooo much attention and care even look at me smile and treat me very specially and suddenly back off, and then starts again showing so much attention and it goes on and on and he would never stop until now.. And I was wondering why isnt he direct?… why doesnt he just tell me?! he isnt shy btw!! but I personally believe that the more late he is the more he will be losing cz he may not find me later. I rly like ALL your articles Matt they always relate to me somehow :)

  86. malin says:

    Awesome post. Though I have a problem knowing when my intuition tells me to slow down if it´s my fear of rejection/connection or the fact that the other person is simply not ready. Any tips? =D

    • gettheguy says:

      If you tend to move too quickly, it may be because you’re trying to artificially speed things up in order to feel more secure in the relationship. Or, as you say, it could be that you put on the brakes because you get frightened that you might get too into him and then lose him later. Just focus on being the most fun he’s had every time he sees you. In the in-between times, let him think about how much he’d like to call you and have fun again. Meet other people and work on other areas of your life so that your life doesn’t become all focused around one guy. Thanks malin, all the best x

      • malin says:

        Thank you very much for taking the time to respond =)

        • Alice says:

          How much time do you give with the in-between? I find I give it too long before acknowledging that he’s a waste of my time or just not interested. It’s been a series of guys who like to keep me on the back burner. So I’m me and fun and the best I can be when with them, but they still aren’t making any movement toward making me a choice. When do you walk away? How do you know it’s time?

          • DD says:

            Yes, Matthew, How much time do you give it, as Alcie asked? Even though you may be exclusively intimate with a guy after three months, but you are aware he still visits dating sites everyday, how do you handle that? Even when you have such great fun every time you are together and you have a great group of friends and a very active life outside of him and you know you are the best thing to ever come along and will be the best thing to ever come along?
            Thanks, DD

  87. Sarah says:

    I live having the attitude of not a one in a million kind of woman but a once in a lifetime woman!

  88. N. H says:

    Hi, I do thank you for your posts, you teach me lots of things though we come from different cultures and backgrounds, I try to adjust some of your ideas to our culture. Well, I must say, I`ve got rejected rarely in my dates, I`ve even called myself the most wanted girl! But it`s me who can`t find the one, I want and that is frustrating. I started to date from when I got 24, and now I`m 28.Now, I do blame myself when I see my friends getting married one by one( except one, others compromised to less cuz they think they won`t find a better guy) Each time, I go on a date, I come back home angry, disappointed with some voices in my head saying: girl accept him, he will get changed, then the other voices bring some other reasons asking me: DO you wanna compromise to less like your mom and your three aunts? So,I cry a lil bit, then sleep to forget and I try to call the date an experience and grab the idea that I do will find him soon! TO get recovered from the anger of not finding him, I do read some articles, I watch some dvds about marriage and dating. I have an incredible boyfriend from Switzerland who just sometimes hints some facts about guys to me, and tells me don`t judge guys, don`t hate them. Now you are becoming my second boyfriend who is teaching me some more lessons about guys and I do appreciate that.
    Wish you the best!

    • gettheguy says:

      You are doing the right thing by not compromising. I think being single is too often attached with stigma and the idea of loneliness, when it really shouldn’t be. The reason so many people compromise is because they think being single is something to be ashamed of, when really it can be the most passionate, fun, exciting, adventurous experience you’ll ever have. Enjoy the process of meeting new people. Single people have limitless possibilities; explore them, find out what you like and don’t like. Make yourself the envy of all your friends in relationships! I wish you all the best x

      • N. H says:

        Thx for your immediate answer. I can imagine how busy you can be.Actually, I must say that I am the envy of my friends in all aspects except my relation with guys, haha. I am student of PhD in Paris. And, when I was 24 yrs, I started to teach in a well-known university, back home. But, I started teaching when I was 19.The problem is that I understand too much! My intelligence test was 120 from 100.And, I am picky and perfectionist. That`s really dangerous. I suggest you to write an article on ” being perfectionist”.
        And this is me who is put a blame on myself, cuz all my life I have studied and taught and didn`t focus on getting to know guys. And the result now is ”being lonely”. Here in Paris, the cultures are mixed and now I am more lost to decide who really I want. If you could have imagined how many counselors I`ve met to help me to find the criteria I want in a guy! They helped me just 30% but not so much!Each one said something!
        Anyways, I wish you a great week, and work well!

  89. Alison says:

    Thanks for this post Matthew – it’s very timely as I’m going through this right now. Having been on about 15 dates with a guy, all of which seemed to go well, he just went cold on me. I have no idea why this happened and it’s left me feeling incredibly low.

    I understand everything your post says and wish I could have the high value mindset you describe but unfortunately when you’re left without answers I think it is easier for the mind to edge towards to low value mindset. Hopefully, with a bit more time, I’ll be ready for a more positive outlook

    • gettheguy says:

      Hi Alison, thanks for sharing this. I know, the moment you experience failure you feel the furthest away from a high value mindset. But paradoxically, this is exactly the time when you need one! As I said in the post, sometimes we can do everything right and still experience rejection. All this guy did was showed himself not to be your perfect guy. Now you don’t have to waste anymore time on someone that was wrong for you. x

  90. Alice says:

    After another rejection last night, this is just what I needed this morning. It’s so easy to forget how resilient I am and how much I have learned. Five years ago I left an abusive marriage. I’ve been single since with repeated failures in my dating life (repeated is sort of an understatement! lol). To finally be at a place where I ultimately can get to: “He has no idea how amazing I am…missed opportunity.” is no easy thing sometimes, yet I get there.

    Thanks for the reminder. Now it’s finding strategies to tap into some patience until the “when” happens. If anyone has words of wisdom on that, send them my way!

    • gettheguy says:

      Hey Alice, i’m so glad to hear you came out the other side of your relationship. If someone can go through that and still be ready to find love again, I know they have the stuff it takes to get everything they want. Thank you for sharing this x

  91. Mina says:

    Oh, I have a story! It happened just yesterday.

    For the past few months I’ve been re-dating an ex: a great guy I always felt was important to me, and he felt the same way about me. I even woke up crying tears of joy once over finally feeling love again. We used to talk all day and night but yesterday I saw him with another woman -his girlfriend.

    They sat behind me at the theatre so after a few minutes of feeling… like out of my own body (I couldn’t focus on anything!) I made it a point to bee seen as cheery. Thankfully I was surrounded by friends, and it was an amateur play so there was lots of interaction and joking around going on.

    • gettheguy says:

      Hey Mina, glad to managed to handle that tough situation! I think this guy proved that he’s not someone you want to be with long-term. Keep up your momentum and leave him behind. It will be hard as first, but you’ll be better off in the end. x

  92. CC says:

    I spent the better part of a decade in a state of rejection by “the one that got away.” One day I just woke up and instead of thinking, “oh poor me, rejected again, why even bother with anyone new,” I said to myself, “he’s never going to change, or come around, nor is he going to realize exactly what he missed.” It was when I realized how perfectly awesome I am that I was able to let go, kick that ass to the curb and start doing really brave things with my love life (like joining this program!)…This is a great post, Matt. I’m going to share it with my single girlfriends. :-)

    • gettheguy says:

      Thank you so much CC, that’s exactly it. We have to shift the focus from the other person to ourselves. We could spend forever wondering “what is he thinking? Why did he do this? What if he changed his mind?” – This path only leads us to misery and powerlessness. I love to see the way you’ve taken control again, all the best x

    • Yani says:

      the same happened to me!! It’s the best feeling when i realized that HE was the one who was loosing, not me!

      Thank you Matthew so much for reading our minds and translating it into just the perfect words to give hope and understanding on this complex matter: LOVE ! Thank you so much!

  93. Roshanak says:

    Hi Matthew,

    This article got posted at the most needed time for me! Im a 22 year old, dealing with so many familiar situations in different aspects of my life, and reading this article created a sparkle in my head and heart. It would be a great help if I’d actually get a reply from you or your crew, and i will be thrilled to discuss my situation with you and get some great feed back from you guys.

    But anyhow, i love you very much and thanks for all the great help :)

    • gettheguy says:

      Hey Roshanak, I’m really glad this post resonated with you. I think there’s a tendency when things go wrong for us to feel completely alone in our suffering. I like to write these to show people that loss and pain are something we ALL go through in relationships, but we can also experience so much joy from them, especially when we feel like we have control in this area. Thanks for your kind words, all the best x

  94. Saz says:

    You have an incredible amount of emotional intelligence and understanding, I am continually impressed and motivated by what you write!

  95. Reena says:

    I agree with this post. Its very inspirational. Altho we all have those moments where we feel like losers I feel childhood issues (like an ill or super critical parent) can sometimes leave deep feelings of unworthiness that can take a while to recover from… I know I feel like a cat with nine lives and have gotten up time and time again. And its soooooooo true what you say, it makes you stronger. It feels like I am a tree and I have made myself stronger no matter what has gone on around me and now I am ready to bring the right kind of caring to a real relationship. Sorry to go on, but i feel dating is linked to life experience and if you deal with your life, then you will automatically deal with this area of dating and relationship…

    • gettheguy says:

      Yes absolutely, it’s so important to go into relationships feeling happy with yourself in the first place. We should all come to relationships to give, not to fill up old insecurities we have. Thanks for your insight Reena x

      • Reena says:

        that’s true. but in a relationship you still ideally want to have that loving, nurturing partner that meets your needs because you are kind of parenting each other. if you didn’t have that model you have to rebuild it for yourself and no one can do it for you although people (like you!) can help! and then a relationship becomes about supporting each other be your best selves rather than co-dependency which – as you say – is about filling each others insecurity holes. you have to be whole!

    • kellyduffy says:


  96. MeRa says:

    Thank you for this Matthew. I’ve found myself in a situation like this at the moment. I was in a serious relationship for four years and have been single for about a year now. In the space of that time I met and felt very strongly for someone but after getting closer and spending some time together, he stop talking to me..completely. He didn’t return my calls or reply to my messages. Like you said, Resilience is the key, he doesn’t know what he passed up :)

    • gettheguy says:

      Great attitude MeRa. I know it can really suck when that happens, but it’s in those times that we have to persevere and fight even harder. Great to see you’re back on track! Roll on the next guy! x

      • Anonymous says:

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