I believe winners are defined by how they respond to losing.
In love, we have all been losers.
Remember that rejection you felt, when the cute guy at the party gave you the cold shoulder? Or that time you went on a great first date and he never called again? Or, worse still, that feeling we all have when we fall head over in heels for someone who doesn’t feel the same way?
It is brutal out there. Losing can leave you asking all those big questions: Can anyone truly love me? Will I ever be capable of keeping someone’s interest? Am I just not cut out for relationships and better off single?
We will all lose at some point – It’s a matter of when, not if.
Love won’t always treat us fairly. Sometimes we will do everything right and still lose. And in those moments we cannot afford to learn the wrong lessons from our pain. I’ve seen people who are on the path to amazing things, and trade it all in after experiencing one big failure that knocks them sideways.
When people get rejected in their love life, I’ve noticed two different kinds of mindsets, and from this mindset alone I can tell if a person is ultimately going to recover and find happiness.
Let’s say a woman goes on a date with a guy and he never calls her back. Or maybe he does call back and says he wants to see other people.
In that moment, we have two choices of how we define that rejection in our heads; a high value mindset or a low value mindset.
Which one of these we choose will determine the meaning we ascribe to that rejection:
A low value mindset says – “He rejected me. He realised I’m not good enough for him.”
A high value mindset says – “He rejected me. He has no idea how great I really am.”
A high value mindset makes moving on from rejection so much easier. And it’s not about being delusional and giving ourselves positive fluff to feel better. It’s about saying the truth: “This guy has only been on one (or a few) dates with me. He couldn’t possibly know what he’s missing out on.”
A low value mindset, on the other hand, can paralyze us. It’s the mindset that leads us to neediness, jealousy, insecurity, and all those negative traits that actually make it harder for someone to fall for us in the first place. When we don’t feel like we are the best thing that could ever happen to a guy, we start to worry that he could walk away and find someone better, and then, because we live in fear that he might leave, we cling on even harder, and eventually our neediness drives him away. (By the way, these feelings of unworthiness happen all the time with guys).
So, in these moments of failure, no matter how good-looking or successful we are, how we deal with failure is going to define everything.
If I could teach one thing to young people starting out in life, it would be what is known as RESILIENCE.
RESILIENCE = “The ability to readily recover after disappointment or loss.”
How much resilience we have is going to be determined by which of the above mindsets we choose. When we lose, do we tell ourselves it’s because we deserve to lose? Or do we tell ourselves that this failure is just another story to tell once we achieve the success we should be having?
See, this is what separates high value people – High value people feel like they deserve success, even if they haven’t had success yet.
Low value spend their lives waiting for someone else to tell them they are worthy, and even then they don’t really believe it, because they don’t feel loveable at their core.
Resilience defines people who reach their dreams in life. Without it, we can spend our whole lives missing out on what we deserve because we waste it wallowing in our failures.
The tip for today is to own your failures – they have taught you more lessons than success ever will.
Today I want to ask you a question: what failures have you recovered from that have ultimately made you stronger? Leave a comment and we’ll do our very best to get back to you!
Thank you so much, Matthe for such an article. The last reply almost answered my doubt. But I still cannot understand, what is that in me that stops every time I see a cute guy, who doesn’t make a first move – risk of being rejected (which can now be easier overcomed after reading your article) or my natural shyness? If it is the latter, what would you suggest me doing? Sometimes men are just so slow !
Regards,
Lily :)
I find it cery difficult to open up for new people,especially men I’m attracted to. This results in me beeing very quiet, tense and nervous and I really don’t know how to get past this problem. I do have some very good guy friends though, so I’m used to talking with guys. I have been on a few dates but I havn’t felt very comfortable during them and afterwards I havn’t heard from these guys again. I do feel dissapointed when this happens but I try to think that he doesn’t know what he is missing if he doesn’t even take the time to get to know me properly etc. I just wish I could relax just a bit. Enough to function properly and be the quick minded woman I usually am.
Hey Matt,
wonderful article! I’ve been through many failures in my life that has made me stronger and has made me more determined to achieve my goals and most i have achieved already. However, like most people certain events has given me certain issues, such as i don’t like being friends with girls most of time. I find i’m a lot more open with men. One of my biggest issues is trust. I believe when im with guy, i know he wont cheat and im not the jealous type. However im scared of the person i’ll be come when i eventually go into relationship. i’ve some of my best friends due to relationships, and i dont want to become that person.
Im a confident, passionate person and i enjoy dating, i had 3 dates this week (all of them great, amazing guys), However whenever it comes to close to getting into a relationship i ruin it for myself and run a way.
However i really want to get rid of this mind frame so i can eventually settle down into a relationship without changing who i am.
Im going on a date on tuesday with a guy ive liked for a while, and i dont want to mess it up for myself over the fear of commitment! Help please?
Hey!!! What has helped me, and I consider will help you, be as woman as possible, free your tenderness, it will give you strength and happiness… tenderness is not obsessed with control… which is fear… so wide your heart. I guarantee you will be in harmony with yourself!!!
Hey Zara,
WOW 3 dates in 1 week !!!! With great, amazing guys as well !! I’d be happy to get 3 dates with men I am interested in in 1 month. How do you do it? Are you under 40 years old? Do you live in a large city? I get out, go dancing, bike riding, yoga, meditation groups, farmers markets etc, but rarely find anyone I am interested in. A few older men sometime indicate interest in me, but they seem too much like my dad.
Hey after spending spring and summer doing reno’s with a man, having some great heart to hearts, he said he was looking forward to getting to know me better, hoping this would go beyond a friendship. He tells me he does not do relationships…his loss. The positive I gained a friend, he boosted my self esteem and inspired me to take care of myself , my home. Sometimes you need to learn to love and accept yourself before you can like or love anyone else. Enter guy # 2 who tells me I look fantastic after losing 45pounds….;o) So we will see where this goes ;o) It is about meeting and getting to know lots of different people. Since I have my self esteem back and with the weight loss alot of different men are noticing me that I know would not have before. And I am having fun flirting ;o)Hugs to everyone.
This couldn’t have come at a better time, because only a couple of days ago, I had resigned myself to staying single forever! Been trying online dating on and off for the past year or so and even though I have met several really great guys, none of them have turned out to be relationship material. I kept trying not to take it personally, but the constant rejection became too heartbreaking and I gave up. Its a shame as this is the only method I can depend on to meet new men, because there seems to be a complete lack of available guys in my hometown.
Since reading this article I’ve come to realise that I have adopted the “low value” mindset and it really made me stop and think. It’s hard to try and change the habit of a lifetime, but I know I’ve got to try. If anything, meeting lots of different guys has brought me closer and closer to knowing what it is I want from my ideal relationship. Any tips or mantras you could suggest for helping someone think positively about themselves? Thank you for reading x
I have fallen for a man that I never met. It started one year ago…meeting online, sending pics, texting, emailing and talking on phone. But we still have yet to meet. He says he doesn’t want a relationship but I do.
I know it sounds ridiculous to have such feelings for a man I haven’t met in the flesh! I feel a special connection between us. There are times that I feel VERY LOW and down on myself because he is not pursuing me as much as I’d like. But I don’t want to give up on him. We are still talking about meeting in the future.
I try to stay positive but inevitably become depressed and angry with the situation. And wonder if I should give up on him??
Hey claudia!
I hope you dont mind me replying to your post. It seems to me that the fact this guy has told you he is’nt ready for a relationship means that he is’nt emotionally available to you. A year is way too long to be talking without committing to meeting on his part, hence his emotional unavailibility. The fact that you are reluctant to heed his words & hold on regardless could indicate that you too, are emotionally unavailable & if this is the case, you really need to work on why this is so before having any kind of real chance at a healthy relationship in the future. there is a fantastic website that teaches you every thing you need to know from healthy relationships/relationship troubles to how to build your self esteem etc: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ (I hope this is ok by the ‘get the guy’ team (Matthew) who I also think is amazing. I hope this helps, good luck x
Read your article this am…..like others said, came at a good time. I know I am a great person, a good friend, have a good job. I let the lonelyness in and I find myself down. But, I remember something ‘I am worth it’. If he dosen’t want to be with me, his loss. Don’t get me wrong, being 42 and single and not movie star body quality can be tough, but you know, I have alot to offer. I very lucky to have friends to remind me on those down days. Your article was right on. Now, where to find the great guy. A friend offered to try the speed dating thing….lol, I don’t know about that. Time to up my confidence to a higher level! Thanks again!
I totally agree with Saz…!!
You post great articles, that are inspirational, and give me hope when men are being rubbish!! :)
Nic x
one of my most recent one was falling for someone. we’ve known each other for about 3-ish years and he was the first guy that i had such true feelings for but somewhere along the line I felt that he had me on the friend list. i also knew there was something more than the “just friends” but we never mentioned anything to each other…well i had admitted to him that i had liked him because it was going to hurt me seeing him everyday knowing that he had some one else by his side. from this situation… I think I learn alot of myself and what
I should of done if I had feelings for someone earlier.. the whole “waiting” game
is only bound to hurt someone at the end. it
helped me open my eyes to look at other things than just losing one
Cried!! Mathew to your post .. I also felt a hand rejecting a thought I loved me. I’m seeing a strong man over 2years whole life I was given.
But after a beautiful moment I felt that he canot love me for life just like that if we need each hes there, but if he dont no call or nothing at all. I talked to him and demand and His answer did he want me just being me and no love ..
I feel really upset about it for almost 5months, so for now not seing him anymore i love myself and my body time will come.
thanks matherw.. hope u had a great weekend..
(sorry for the english)
Umm, it’s funny because reading this article made me think of all the guys I’ve cried over lol. It is really not easy for us ,women, to believe we value. Especially when that one guy we’ve fallen for doesn’t have the same feelings. What has gotten me to let go of that negative ”What is wrong with me” type of thinking was that quote I found. ”Don’t you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are.” You are wonderful and if that guy doesn’t realize that, well too bad for him. It doesn’t mean or change anything about you and who you are. Thanks again for the article :)
i like one of the ladies earlier have been victim of domestic abuse having eventually got away i have tried to rebuild my life i have met many men who use vulnerable women like myself for their own sexual needs telling me im just the woman in their lives they want i fall for it many times as i did again last nite but wen he told me my past was a problem to move forward i again think user your loss im worth the one that really wants me and will have me in time and i have to pic myself up again n start again i wont give up on finding him im 53 so its not jus young women who go thro this thank u for your suppot
After 25 years married, my husband cheated on me.. I found out and ended our relationship,I felt very rejected for a very short period of time, then thought I have the rest of my life to live and enjoy the new adventures that will come my way. Over the last two years he has tried very hard to win me back. But in this same tiime I have learned so much about myself and I really like me.. I have grown so much and my new life on the most part is fabulous.. I met an old friend recently, he pursued me for two months, then finally seduced me ( I allowed it to happen) over a 6 week period I had an amazing time with him till, the calls, text and messages stopped.. But to be really honest I gained a lot from this brief incounter, I found that I was funny, still sexy, spontaneous and enjoyed the times we shared. Now looking to learn more and get the right guy, fantastic adventure
Failures have taught us more lessons than success ever will? Seriously? So instead of feeling sorry for myself I should be grateful? Why is it that way? Why do we have to learn the hard way? As I was pondering about it I realized if it wasn’t for the failures that I have experienced, I wouldn’t be where I am now today and they have taught me so much indeed! Thank you for your advice. Now I can look at my failures from a different perspective and turn them into a future success.
I’ve recently done something I’ve never done before: I picked up a guy from the bar, took him home, and we had a lovely night and breakfast the next morning. During the day, he said one time he’d like to see me again, but then took it back quickly. He lives 2,5 hrs away from me in a small country where this seems like a long distance. I sent him an email 3 days later saying I’m going to be in his town in couple of weeks and if he’d like to meet up for a drink or something. He told me “I had a wonderful night with you, but I think I’d like to leave it at that.” I thought to myself “But you don’t know what kind of a person I am…You think I’m the kind of person who picks up people from the bars all the time.” So, I am fine with the rejection, I think it must be something to do with what he wants for himself, but at the same time I am questioning if what I did (and I did it a few more times since then) is really the way that reflects and enacts the best me. I guess the answer is no. However, having been a rather touchy-feely person without a lover for more than a year, I feel I am too hungry for love… for both the emotional and physical aspect of it and even just being lovers, hugging, kissing, etc.. It’s difficult to deal with that hunger, and just to play the game to let the fish come to the bait. It seems just easier here to be direct to get what you want. Are we in an era where sleeping with someone quickly still does not mean the man would not want to pursue a real relationship with you?
Hey liz! It seems such an unfair world sometimes does’nt it? The truth is we teach others how to treat us. In other words, if we want to recieve love, respect etc then we have to first give them to ourselves. Having a true sense of who we are by being in touch with our inner values & not just our wants (which can often be fickle, ego based & not what we think we want anyway) will naturally cause us to show in our actions who we are & how we expect to be treated. Quality guys want a quality girl. Be that girl & watch the interest from quality guys come your way. Sure, they wont all be right for you but by the time you’re truly ready for the kind of love to come that you really want, u won’t care anyway & will enjoy the whole dating process alot more! I hope this helps, love, light & so much happiness, Sarah x
Hey Sarah,
I have been BEING that quality girl with high standards, fun, outgoing, affectionate, easy to talk to for 2 years with only 3 or 4 dates with men I was interested in. I am good looking, in great shape, middle age, very active. How do I find and attract the great guys?
Oh and I did date someone for many years who didn’t end up marrying me. Now, I know I am the lucky one who does not have to deal with this guy. After several years he tried to get back together with me after he was married with someone else. This guy never new what he wanted or what he wants now. I feel relieved that he is not in my life. But, at one time I did not feel good enough. Now I know, it was never me.
Just what I needed, I love the positive vibe with your blogs and messages. For me, this month makes one year since a disastrous fallout with a friend. It seems disastrous because he knew I had feelings for him, most importantly he knew he had no feelings for me, yet he made a play and I fell for it. He disappeared without a word for weeks, as a poster above stated, I guess childhood issues of not being good enough or deserving so little results in acting out, mostly fear and unworthiness. Still trying to determine if he was ever a friend (known him for 2 years) and I need to stop focusing on the “why’s and how’s” and start focusing on myself. Your comment about low-value mindset really hit home. Of course I have my good days and bad days, and I know now that it’s about me, and not him. I hope tomorrow I will wake up and instead of regret at the loss of a friend, instead be thankful that he taught me this necessary yet painful lesson in love.
Ahoj, my name is Nikol, I´m 19 years old girl from Slovakia and I fell in love with a boy who doesn´t care about me and he always spend time with very “cheap” girls from parties with no intelligence and stupid behaviour. I´m very successful in my business and have everything I want because of my hard work, so he wouldn´t have to take care of me like he had to take care of his ex who was a total gold digger :/
To be honest, I don´t know why he is not in love with me. I work as a model sometimes and I´m an entrepreneur in international corporation on very high position, every guy would like me to be his girlfriend and I don´t want anyone – only him. That´ s why I haven´t had any boy for 2 years – I still wait for him :( And when we were out once, we talked for a few hours and then kissed but then he didn´t call me again. He made up some excuse that he heard something from my friend and he doesn´t want to talk to me anymore – then my friend told me that it was just an excuse. One year later we went out again, he broke up with his girlfriend several months before that and I thought that it was time to finally give me a chance. We talked for several hours, had a great time and kissed again but he never called again. I was desperate. He is a DJ so sometimes he invites me to a party via FB and then we exchange some comments, but we don´t communicate a lot. He writes me SMS sometimes “:)” or “Wow I like your comment”, “Why everyone asks me why I dont want you? :) “and things that doesn´t really make sense. I´m sure I deserve someone who will be completely happy to be my future husband but I can´t help loving this DJ, so every guy who is in love with me is rejected by me just because of this one guy. I need to accept the fact that I´m rejected and move on but I can´t. I don´t know what to do, it is so hard to handle the fact that one and only boy I truly love is not interested in me….
It seems he really does not deserve you. And there are no chances for him to love you … :( And since you cannot make some to love you, you’d better move on …
Thanks Math for article I will try to use it in future,but really I don’t even know what to answer you, because I think I was never rejected…I mean, I never tried to start relationship with someone. And I even never had some relationship, though I’m 19 years old already :( I don’t know what to do and what’s the problem..well I know the problem is that I almost don’t have the guy friends, but I really don’t know where to get them. And one more problem is that when I meet new people I don’t know what to talk about with them, no matter is that girl or guy,but if it’s a guy 100% that I will just keep silent. See my problem isn’t that I’m too shy to ask something, I just really don’t know WHAT to ask. Because i’m not interested in answers to those basic question where you from how old are you….and so if i’m silent I think people think i’m boring person. But in real life it isn’t because with my friends I always joke, i’m funny and all that stuff, well like everyone are with their friends :D But when i’m with stranger I have that stopper and person just can’t get to know me better..so I sit here in my 19’s alone :( Big thanks for reading, hope for reply :))
Hi! :) I think I understand you. I had the same problem when I wanted to meet some new guys, so I just went to the city, walking with my sister and talking about everything and suddenly a very handsome guys tried to talk to us. They asked us about where we were going and whether we want to join them and things like that and I met 2 guys who are in love with me now in the city. So I advise you to go out and have fun and when you are asked by some guy about you, tell him about your hobbies, ask about his hobbies, be funny and don´t be too serious – guys like girls who are funny, can make fun of themselves and are relaxed :) I think that this could help you…at least you can try it :))
Thank you for advice, now I understand that I still have a chance to meet new people anywhere. But agree with me, that it’s not so easy to wait that some guy will come to you and want to know about you something :D And there’s also so many guys that are very shy, so I can forever go to different places and never meet guys,but as I told before I’m so confused at meeting new people that starting meeting by myself is just worthless.
Hi there,
For me too this article came at the right time. Great reading it and knowing many are going thru this as I am. Intellectually i understand the content of the post, but emotionally I find it hard. Any tips/idea why or how?
My story-Met a guy 3 months ago things moved very fast and we had great chemistry and were already planning next few months together, he professed our first date was his last first date ever and that we were matchmade in heaven…but he had gone cold a month ago i tried to set up a coffee date to see what was going on him but he didn’t call and I didnt want to seem to be chasing him, so we didnt get to talk. I cut contact since and he got back in touch recently and I basically told him I was disappointed/ hurt and i m not interested if its just for chit chat. He said sorry he didnt mean to hurt me and that he’d leave me alone. It seems to be all settled but I feel, rejected. Intellectually it’s easy to think – his loss. But emotionally it’s hard to accept someone can forget all the moments and memories that only 2 people share. How to reconcile this feeling?
Thanks
A
And maybe you can try to forgive him and keep in contact again?
Thanks Boriana for your message. It’s hard when I already told him off and he hadn’t really tried to redeem himself beyond that :( its disappointing and I obviously care more than he does so I suppose I am just protecting myself or having a high value mindset to say “ok its your loss I m moving on, not holding my breath for you if you are not that bothered.”
Anyways it’s over :”( I have been really upset about his going cold-like REALLY upset because I was really happy and hopeful with him at the beginning.
Thanks though it’s nice to have an outlet and other perspectives!
Hi Angeldust,
I don’t know if you will read this, but will answer back …
It’s true it seems he does not care. Or he cares less than you. But still, you might have offended him in some way. I don’t see anything bad in that to try again to contact him – not just offering yourself, at any price (not that); but telling him what you would like to have or feel, if you had a relationship with him. In this way (according to his reaction then) you can make yourself sure if you have missed someone special, just because of your pride and fears.