I believe winners are defined by how they respond to losing.
In love, we have all been losers.
Remember that rejection you felt, when the cute guy at the party gave you the cold shoulder? Or that time you went on a great first date and he never called again? Or, worse still, that feeling we all have when we fall head over in heels for someone who doesn’t feel the same way?
It is brutal out there. Losing can leave you asking all those big questions: Can anyone truly love me? Will I ever be capable of keeping someone’s interest? Am I just not cut out for relationships and better off single?
We will all lose at some point – It’s a matter of when, not if.
Love won’t always treat us fairly. Sometimes we will do everything right and still lose. And in those moments we cannot afford to learn the wrong lessons from our pain. I’ve seen people who are on the path to amazing things, and trade it all in after experiencing one big failure that knocks them sideways.
When people get rejected in their love life, I’ve noticed two different kinds of mindsets, and from this mindset alone I can tell if a person is ultimately going to recover and find happiness.
Let’s say a woman goes on a date with a guy and he never calls her back. Or maybe he does call back and says he wants to see other people.
In that moment, we have two choices of how we define that rejection in our heads; a high value mindset or a low value mindset.
Which one of these we choose will determine the meaning we ascribe to that rejection:
A low value mindset says – “He rejected me. He realised I’m not good enough for him.”
A high value mindset says – “He rejected me. He has no idea how great I really am.”
A high value mindset makes moving on from rejection so much easier. And it’s not about being delusional and giving ourselves positive fluff to feel better. It’s about saying the truth: “This guy has only been on one (or a few) dates with me. He couldn’t possibly know what he’s missing out on.”
A low value mindset, on the other hand, can paralyze us. It’s the mindset that leads us to neediness, jealousy, insecurity, and all those negative traits that actually make it harder for someone to fall for us in the first place. When we don’t feel like we are the best thing that could ever happen to a guy, we start to worry that he could walk away and find someone better, and then, because we live in fear that he might leave, we cling on even harder, and eventually our neediness drives him away. (By the way, these feelings of unworthiness happen all the time with guys).
So, in these moments of failure, no matter how good-looking or successful we are, how we deal with failure is going to define everything.
If I could teach one thing to young people starting out in life, it would be what is known as RESILIENCE.
RESILIENCE = “The ability to readily recover after disappointment or loss.”
How much resilience we have is going to be determined by which of the above mindsets we choose. When we lose, do we tell ourselves it’s because we deserve to lose? Or do we tell ourselves that this failure is just another story to tell once we achieve the success we should be having?
See, this is what separates high value people – High value people feel like they deserve success, even if they haven’t had success yet.
Low value spend their lives waiting for someone else to tell them they are worthy, and even then they don’t really believe it, because they don’t feel loveable at their core.
Resilience defines people who reach their dreams in life. Without it, we can spend our whole lives missing out on what we deserve because we waste it wallowing in our failures.
The tip for today is to own your failures – they have taught you more lessons than success ever will.
Today I want to ask you a question: what failures have you recovered from that have ultimately made you stronger? Leave a comment and we’ll do our very best to get back to you!
I am someone (or used to) prefer to be the “girl that got away” over the girl that got rejected. I always kept guys at a distance so that I’ll feel in control. I even have a reputation for being picky, and sometimes i’m afraid if I show interest in someone and they don’t show it back that I would look pathetic. But I am finding myself making more eye contact and being more open lately. Whick is very easy if Im surrounded by friends and having a good time. But It’s hard for me to be like that when I’m alone. I turn into an ice princess.
Thanks for this reminder! I used to live in a state of wallowing, but after doing a lot of ‘inner work’ I’ve shifted how I view each situation. I was recently head-over-heels over a guy that turned out we never really meshed. However, I now choose to take from it that he inspired me to get back to the gym and clean up my diet. Now I’m committed to getting healthier again and I’ve never felt better about myself! The next guy is one lucky fella!! Thanks again!
Hi Elle, good thinking!! Good tactic and keep it up, I will keep this in mind too though am downbeat now! Good luck!
Thanks Angeldust! Good luck to you, you can do it!!
Thanks Matt! As usually great topic and great answers!
Before this article I just committed with myself that I want to meet great interesting people (men) starting this week. This article just gives me more confidence for the long run. There will be disappointment but I hope also a lot of fun.
Thanks you really like us!
x A
thank you for this article! my boyfriend of two years left me a month ago, i still don’t know the real reason, but it made me feel so miserable…. this words of yours: “The tip for today is to own your failures – they have taught you more lessons than success ever will.” … really helped me because i know that one day i will look back and see this situation as a great life lesson that i had to learn on a hard way to know that i deserved better!
love,
J
Another prod at the right time!
You asked; what failures have you recovered from that have made you stronger?
Surviving 4 yrs living with undiagnosed depressed partner, breaking up with him; moving out of his house -in the subsequent 2 yrs moving 5 times including living in a flat under an alcoholic drug addict who liked to beat up his girlfriend, grandmother and cat dying, going through re-deployment at work..
Still recovering! A large part of it for me is giving myself permission to have fun having gritted my teeth and plodded on through for the past couple of years…
Recognised I have a pattern of going out with guys who like me but who I’m not that mad keen on – less chance of getting hurt. I’ve made a conscious effort not to that this time but dealing with the negative self-talk…not easy…
hi mat, thx soo much 4 ur lovely info, it happened to me twice in my life that i felt like shit when the guy went away Now i realise i was too needy and thought i wasnt good enough.
But im back on dating and i choose the person not them choosing me :) i always think high value is the best way to go in life. I do apply your methods too. u r a great guy who knows inside out of the subject x
Hi Matt
I’m stuck in the same situation, I don’t know whether I’m rejected as he hasn’t contacted me nearly 2 weeks, I tried to text and ring him last Thursday but he didn’t take my call and get back to me. I feel really sad. We had a great first date last month but since then he rarely contact me. I need your advice whether I should give up and forget him?
Thanks Matt x
of course you should…. just move on
I’m recovering after a fling with a man who was drop-dead gorgeous and we seemed to click in all areas, but suddenly he pulled a fade-away on me…At times I have this thought that maybe I did smth wrong and scared him away, but then I remember that there was still no conversation of being exclusive after 3months/future plans included our common friends, but my name was never mentioned/he was not showing affection in front of our friends who knew we’re not “just friends” and, whats most important, in front of other men (potential rivals!). So what makes me stronger is knowledge what signs I should not miss out when deciding whether I should keep on investing my time into certain relationship.
Very good post… it describes my mindset perfectly. I’ll have to work horribly hard to change it, but thanks for pointing this out :)
For so long I have been controlled by my fear of rejection so thank you for writing this blog.
Over the past year I have been totally smitten by this guy. We met at church and we just seemed to get on so well straight away. I guess he was just being friendly but I fell for him.
Unlike my first crush who lead me on for a long time, this guy bluntly told me ( which I respect him for) that I reminded him of his sister and that we should just be friends. With that kind of response, it’s no surprise I was totally gutted and until now had been stuck in a low mind set. I just kept thinking if I changed myself, maybe he would think differently.
After reading this though, I feel like a total muppet for wasting precious tears and time over this, when I could have taken up new opportunities. Thank you!
Please can I ask you for advice how to respond to him now? We always see each other at Church and at socials. He sometimes can be incredibly awkward and distant when talking to me and our friendship seems to be dwindling which I really hate.
How can I rebuild a better friendship but without giving him the impression that I’m going to start chasing him again?
Thank you so much Matthew for your brilliant insights…always at the right time, I have been seeing this guy semi-regularly for almost 4 months now, in the beginning i rejected him and 2 days later he came back so i decided to give it a shot, now that i’m starting to develop feelings for him he gives mixed signals, I feel so confused, i try to make sense of it all but no answers… Lately he does’t make plans or wants to see me last minute, when i stop paying him attention he goes crazy texting, but when i’m there he plays games…i don’t want to get hurt again should I just move on? Or can i still do something here?
Thank you so much! You are the best… xoxo
Hey Matthew! Reading this i know where my mindset Is just a little bit better now! I all so realized that I need to put myself out more I don’t like to handle the rejection or the pain or the embarrassment of Rejection. reading some of the other people stories made me realize that we all Bounce back back
Thank you Matthew so much..it feels so good to read your article; you keep reminding us that we are human beings after all and that the best thing about life is to keep learning and discovering.. and resiliency is key feature to our journey if we want to enjoy it….thank you again
I think it is important to be vigilant about giving ourselves self respect and unconditional love EVERY DAY!
I think that it is important to be vigilant about giving
ourselves self respect and unconditional love every day.
People know that they should do this but forget that you should do this as a daily practice, I think affirmations
along these lines can be beneficial. I think little
rituals which represent self respect and cherishing yourself need to be done frequently. It is part of the
art of living to cherish yourself. I read a lovely book
recently that was written in the 1980’s by
Alexandra Stoddard which is basically about switching
your attitude so you are in a state of grace, a state
in which self-respect and dignity are embued. she is a fan of the man of letters Samuel Johnson who seemed to
be a very wise and much respected individual. probably
worth adopting some of his philosophy.
I think someone earlier mentioned that being single is
stigmatized. It would be interesting to examine where
the stigma came from years ago, beacause it does seem
to make people feel insecure about single status which
is a shame because it is best to be relaxed about it.
I think it is very important in life to be able to laugh
about our insecurities and foibles, it puts them in
perspective and makes us lighten up a bit and more
easy to be around.
A few months ago, I got rejected by a man who said to me verbatim: “it’s not you, it’s me. You know, lately I am not attracted by any woman in particular, even if they are interesting and attractive, at least until the sixth pint of beer!”. At the time, I wanted to kill him. Now I really thank him for what he did to me. ;-)
at first yes and i keep saying i don’t need anybody to complete me also nobody deserves me but then i felt lonely and i had thoughts that i will be that woman who’s successful but lonely and who has only work and dog maybe or cat who’s showing everyone that she’s happy but when she comes home all what she feels is loneliness so i think i need to meet guys before that trust in myself turns to negatif
Everyone WANTS to have that high value mindset.
HOWEVER, it’s a lot easier said than done and this is where people really struggle. This is where I think internal beliefs about yourself are at play here.
I am curious about your thoughts on what a person is suppose to do if they instinctively and automatically react to rejection with a low value mindset?
I still freak out altogether but am trying to slowly regain my confidence.
Hey Matthew,
Thank you so much for ths inspiring post because I had a small heartbreak a week ago. I met a guy I liked and we met three times in public places with friends. Each time, we became so engrossed in conversation that we were completely oblivious of the surroundings.
And then I met his parents. While his father liked me, his mother snubbed and ignored me completely. Since then, my guy has gone cold and only sends me polite sms or chat scraps now and then. This sunday, he said he was busy but he finally came in for a group hike with another girl. He lied to me saying that he had work to do.
More than hurt, I feel so angry. And this is not the first time that it has happened. Why do some men lie ? Why can’t they be forthright and say that they have a girlfriend already ? Why the need to pretend that they are single and then they want to lead women on ?
Anyway, I ignored him completely during the hike and I think he understood because he sent me a message asking me how I was. Apart from that, I had a gala time during the hike bantering with other male and female friends. We are all expatriates in Switzerland. I felt so loved and appreciated by my other fellow hikers.
Now I’m a naturally resilient person having grown up in a difficult family with a special brother, a depressive father but with the best mother in the world. Listening to your youtube videos has made me work on being high value. So i sent him a message wishing him a nice evening and saying that though I’m physically exhausted,I had a great time and now I’m energetic again. I also wished his friend well. It was hard, very hard at first but I succeeded.
I think he has no idea what he is missing. So I absolutely agree with you that we should be high value and move on. Besides, in all modesty, I have a nice career as a young researcher and an amateur classical pianist and lyrical soprano ? Why should I settle for less ?
Hi Mattew
Thanks a world for the useful in formation you share with us.
I my self have had a painful experience of seperation, but I believe it had made me much more stronger. i think i’m not deeply hurt by bad events which happen for me after that event. it was painful but necessary.
tnx again.