I believe winners are defined by how they respond to losing.
In love, we have all been losers.
Remember that rejection you felt, when the cute guy at the party gave you the cold shoulder? Or that time you went on a great first date and he never called again? Or, worse still, that feeling we all have when we fall head over in heels for someone who doesn’t feel the same way?
It is brutal out there. Losing can leave you asking all those big questions: Can anyone truly love me? Will I ever be capable of keeping someone’s interest? Am I just not cut out for relationships and better off single?
We will all lose at some point – It’s a matter of when, not if.
Love won’t always treat us fairly. Sometimes we will do everything right and still lose. And in those moments we cannot afford to learn the wrong lessons from our pain. I’ve seen people who are on the path to amazing things, and trade it all in after experiencing one big failure that knocks them sideways.
When people get rejected in their love life, I’ve noticed two different kinds of mindsets, and from this mindset alone I can tell if a person is ultimately going to recover and find happiness.
Let’s say a woman goes on a date with a guy and he never calls her back. Or maybe he does call back and says he wants to see other people.
In that moment, we have two choices of how we define that rejection in our heads; a high value mindset or a low value mindset.
Which one of these we choose will determine the meaning we ascribe to that rejection:
A low value mindset says – “He rejected me. He realised I’m not good enough for him.”
A high value mindset says – “He rejected me. He has no idea how great I really am.”
A high value mindset makes moving on from rejection so much easier. And it’s not about being delusional and giving ourselves positive fluff to feel better. It’s about saying the truth: “This guy has only been on one (or a few) dates with me. He couldn’t possibly know what he’s missing out on.”
A low value mindset, on the other hand, can paralyze us. It’s the mindset that leads us to neediness, jealousy, insecurity, and all those negative traits that actually make it harder for someone to fall for us in the first place. When we don’t feel like we are the best thing that could ever happen to a guy, we start to worry that he could walk away and find someone better, and then, because we live in fear that he might leave, we cling on even harder, and eventually our neediness drives him away. (By the way, these feelings of unworthiness happen all the time with guys).
So, in these moments of failure, no matter how good-looking or successful we are, how we deal with failure is going to define everything.
If I could teach one thing to young people starting out in life, it would be what is known as RESILIENCE.
RESILIENCE = “The ability to readily recover after disappointment or loss.”
How much resilience we have is going to be determined by which of the above mindsets we choose. When we lose, do we tell ourselves it’s because we deserve to lose? Or do we tell ourselves that this failure is just another story to tell once we achieve the success we should be having?
See, this is what separates high value people – High value people feel like they deserve success, even if they haven’t had success yet.
Low value spend their lives waiting for someone else to tell them they are worthy, and even then they don’t really believe it, because they don’t feel loveable at their core.
Resilience defines people who reach their dreams in life. Without it, we can spend our whole lives missing out on what we deserve because we waste it wallowing in our failures.
The tip for today is to own your failures – they have taught you more lessons than success ever will.
Today I want to ask you a question: what failures have you recovered from that have ultimately made you stronger? Leave a comment and we’ll do our very best to get back to you!
hey I’m jenny…and I’m 13..I knw I’m too young but I’ve aalso loved someone but he never loved me back. I am really depressed because of this rejection please tell me whaat to do
Loved this!!! Thankyou!
I dated this guy once I met online well I thought we had fun. I’m a honest person and what u see is what u get I notice he lied on his profile and when we were talking I notice he was lying also. But long story short after our first date we continue to text and about a week I haven’t heard from him. I text and wish him a happy birthday and merry Christmas and no response…..I ask him if he wasn’t interested in me let me know or if it’s someone else let me know no response…..This me a dishonest person is a disloyal one also…. I’m very opinionated I say what I feel and think…..I hold my own. He said he never been anyone my age I’m 45 he is 43 he been with girls like in their 20 or 30s. But I stop texting him I just want to know more of him……
Matt,
I found this article after I had experienced a silent treatment post-interview with a prospective employer… It’s awful, considering I was introduced to one of the owners of the company via his contacts. The meeting was warm and respectful, picking my brain in my domain area. Well, after interviews, when I followed up two weeks later, it was silence, silence, and silence. My gut tells me this one won’t work out…
In my heart, I was shocked. If a close contact’s connection with the higher up decision maker would still justify this type of cold treatment, can you imagine what it would be like to any other job candidates out there who have absolutely no connection with to start…
So, if you get the job, you will be well treated… And, if you do not, then you are dropped like nothing…
I feel chills in my heart. Also, I did feel quite good during our phone calls and meetings with the company, so how come I am not able to tell or read what kind of culture they really have…
I promise in the future when my company is doing the hiring, I will not treat the non-selected candidates the way I was treated…
Small conscious steps can change the world!!
How I saved my relationship.. Great testimony!! I was having serious relationship problems with my boyfriend and it had resulted in him moving out to his friend’s apartment. Everything got worse because he started going to bars and strip clubs frequently with his friends, getting drunk and passing out. He always threatens me on phone whenever I call him because of all the bad advises that his friends has giving him. I really love him and we have been dating for 4 years which gave us a beautiful daughter. I have also lost a lot of money on therapists until I was introduced to Dr Mutuma, a powerful prophet by a friend whom he helped to get pregnant after 8years of marriage; this gave me total confidence and strength to get him back. I did all he asked and after 48 hours my boyfriend called me and rushed back home, things just changed between us emotionally. He secured a good job and stopped drinking and keeping irrelevant friends. It’s a miracle I never believed was possible because I had lost all hope until I found Dr Mutuma. So that’s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe. All thanks goes to Dr Mutuma for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in any situation you are or undergoing a heart break or any disease/sickness problem I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. Note That: he will ask you to pay a small token to get few materials to do the work. (drmutumahouseofsolution121@gmail .com) “He always keep his word”
I have been rejected many many times in relationships. I have gone through failures in other areas of my life, but they have never felt as traumatic as relationship rejection because I know my worth in other contexts, and up until recently I had no idea my worth in love.
Romance is difficult – when do you say something? When do you not? How do you know when to leave or stay? How do you know you’ve made a fool out of yourself and said too much? It is a complicated dance (at times) and it doesn’t help that it is the only area in my life that I have never really been successful, so I’ve placed more and more pressure on myself to become successful – even though I never felt worth it.
After losing my most recently job – due to the fact that I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life, geographically, job wise, financially, romantically and/or otherwise – I decided to take a step back and reflect on the negative reoccurring themes in my life, which I had ignored for years (YEARS). Upon giving myself some breathing room and forgiving myself for all the negative and hurtful things I have berated myself for over the years, something interesting happened. I finally gave myself the permission to breath, take stock of all the wonderful things in my life, and most importantly, allowed myself to love me.
With this mindset, a shift occurred. I finally let go of all of those idiot guys who used me, took advantage and manipulated situations, and ultimately rejected me (because I was needed etc.). It wasn’t all my fault, how could I win at love when I didn’t even acknowledge all of the wonderful things I was bringing to the situation or my worth? I realized that I am worth so much more than any of that, and those who can’t see my kind heart and loving soul are a little too self absorbed chasing their own version of ‘perfection.’
Self love has taught me that I am worthy of romantic love. And yes, I may act premature or make a mistake, but we all do, and if someone doesn’t want to continue to get to know me (or be present in our mutual romantic experience), it is really too bad because they are missing out on a wildly positive, funny, loving, compassionate, sexy, intelligent, self-aware woman to spend time with.
Life is too short for comfort, and I have already lived a life feeling like I’m not worthy of love or that I’m not good enough. I know what that feels like, and quite frankly, I’m sooooooo over it. I’m the freaking bees knees! I discovered I can handle rejection, if someone doesn’t want this fun lady – poo poo on them. I’m going to continue to dance and have a ball in this life – that’s why we’re here :)
Thanks for the article, such a well timed piece in my life!
Much love and self love :)
Hi Jill,
Fantastic comment; absolutely fantastic. I needed this and you might have just saved my life. Thank you
Love your comment! I needed this and need to adopt your attitude about rejection and your love for yourself. I have let rejection get the best of me for a long time. Thank you for this read!
In early stages of a big rejection right now. We are both divorced with kids. Work for same company, meaning we can either see each other daily or once a month. Totally easy to navigate that part.
I met him over a year ago and thought I noticed him flirting so I started paying attention. Yup, those deep stares, smiles and eyebrow flashes were getting impossible to not notice. So I started flirting and fell for him.
After a month or so, I decided to just say it and told him how I felt. He got super embarrassed and uncomfortable so I politely told him I didnt want an answer right then, on the spot but please tell me if it was a definite not being interested. He said he needed to process it and would let me know.
I saw him two days later and he gave me a blush, eyebrow flash and big smile. Not to be too over confident i waited till I saw him a few more times to be sure. We started talking more and more and he kept flirting. But we never went passed work scenerios. He would lock eyes with me every time I would approach and never veer away until I would walk away 10-15 mins later. Total connection.
After a few weeks of nothing more I decided I needed to know. I told him how I felt and what I felt about our connection. His reply was that he was flatterrd but didnt feel the same. Sorry. No connection. WTH???? How the heck did I miss that? Any friends who saw us talking would tease me about it cuz it was so obvious. Last week I gave him a hug goodbye. When I pulled away he blushed, sheepishly batted his eyes, eyebrow flashed me repeatedly and smiled.
All he will say is that he doesnt feel the chemistry for me. Total cut off. Of course, other than work where he wants to remain amicable. Of course I will oblige that.
But i am devestated. I only fell for him cuz he flirted with me. I second gyessed every flirtation until I couldnt denynit any more. It was obvious. Obviously I was wrong and I feel so incredibly embarrassed and stupid right now.
This is what I really needed right now. There was this guy that I really liked and one of his friends tried to set us up (even though he is in a relationship that is going downhill). But he texted me saying he wasn’t interested. But we definitely have a connection. We are constantly ‘accidentally’ touching and the time we spend together is laughter, fun and flirting. I just want to know if things would maybe different if he didn’t have a girlfriend??
But thanks Matt this really helped :)
Xx
Going through this right now and I feel more rejected than I ever had before
Had a great date planned with a guy I was really digging and I thought the feeling was mutual. So he tells me yesterday that he met someone else before our date and he is so head over heels now he didn’t want to waste a good opportunity to miss out on her
I am beyond pissed and hurt. How do I get over this feeling? I want to tell him off but I can’t be mean. Help!
I still love my ex boyfriend. He said hes still love me and want me. After almost 2 months from our relationship I discovered that she had a fling or previously end this October 2015 cause ive read theyre chat.We recently hangout that’s why I had a chance to ready any in his Facebook that he didn’t know. So I discovrd after me he jumped to the new relationship but it ended this October 2015 they’re just almost 2 months. The girl already blocked my ex so I feel okay I ddnt do anything to his Facebook so he didn’t know he doesn’t even think he left his Facebook in the computer we were chatting then after 2 days in hangout with him I asked him thru chat that if we can start over again and can he love me again. Then he replied no we can’t start all over again because I Dont want a relationship and you can find someone else and he said sorry but at least we had time last night. After that I didn’t reply I just seen the message. Is it right not reply? I feel so embrassed and hurt too. I ddnt know how to resp once and what to responce that’s why I didn’t reply. Is it right?
This guy i know for 2 years meet every sunday at church. He stares at me a lot and open the for for me and offers up a seat next to him, approached me to talk once but all he does now is stop what he is doing and watch me with a big smile on his face. he hold eye contact for a while stares right into my eyes. I thought he was shy so i decided to muster up the courage to ask him out for a coffee it was my birthday just so i could get to know him better after all we see each other every week and its odd that we don’t talk. HE REJECTED ME making up excuses he was busy for all next week. I said ok then it is obvious that you don’t want to have anything to do with me so I excused myself and walked out. Its a weird situation . Ive decided to forget him and move to another parish.
Matthew, thank you so, so much for this article. Really; the Internet is rife with horrible “advice” for women and it’s very difficult not to feel like I’m just not good enough for him to want to get to know me. Paired with a childhood full of being bullied, and it’s so hard not to feel like he doesn’t want to even give me a chance because I’m just not worth a chance.
And so much “advice” out there only further cements that thinking. I really, really appreciate this so much, Matthew Hussey. You’re doing really great work. This really does help change things in my mind, and it helps my heart not hurt so badly.
Thanks I will try this advice on my son who is struggling getting over rejection and a broken heart whilst at the same time being in early recovery of psychosis,thanks again for breaking down the thoughts on how we look at failure and a mindset of high value it was very interesting.
HI Matthew,
Thank you so much for these ideas on rejection and resilience.
I have accumulated many rejection stories, in love of course, but due to th nature of my career.For you to point out that RESILIENCE is the ability to readily recover after disappointment or loss, is so useful to me.
I am a professional dancer, born in Montreal, that started dance late. I have been rejected from so many professional dance academies, programs and companies that were my ideals and goals. I would sometimes even get limited by my teachers, explaining that I didn’t have “right elements” to become a professional dancer. Every time a rejection came in I was devastated, hurt. But luckily I continues and I am now 33, living in Sweden, and dancing with one of the best contemporary dance companies. Prior to this I was working with a very renown female choreographer in Montreal and touring internationally to festivals with her work.
I always just chalked up my success to hard work, dedication and love for dance, but I never saw myself as resilient, and its so important to recognize this quality in oneself.
What I wanted to say mainly, is that your work and your thoughts have not only helped me in love but also in my personal life and career. Your views on how to see oneself as high value and resilient has really helped me through difficult times. I have been single for a while now after a 6 year relationship, which has been difficult to deal with, but your advice and words has really helped the healing process along.
I still deal with rejection in my career as I am an ambitious person who wants to make the most out of my work and desires change to get to the next level. It’s so trying and difficult to walk into an audition and get rejected when I know my value, my experience and my worst as an artist. It’s a comforting though to realize I am resilient and I know I can continue and maintain my value despite opposite views of others.
Thank you for your work. It touches so many people.
Love and respect,
Dorotea
My husband of 14 years got up and left me oneday. When l was pregnant with our last born who is now 2 he rejected the pregnancy and told me to abort the baby l refused. From that moment till l gave birth he refused to support me and the baby. He never spoke to me for 9 months in fact we did not even sleep on the same bed he slept on the couch in the living room. We were strangers he did not greet me or attend to his other children l did it myself. It hurt it was hard but l stood and in the end l gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. When the baby was 3 months l found out that he was having an affair with one of his work colleagues. I confronted him about it and he denied it and insulted me and called me names. After that he went into his silent treatment phase again. After a month of that he woke up oneday packed his bags and told me he was moving out. He woke all the kids up and told them they cried and begged him to stay but he left. I had no job no money and l was left holding a 4 month baby and two sons that were emotionally confused and hurt. I thought that was my end l cried for months. With the love and support of family and friends l came out of it in one piece. I live alone with my 3 children and l don’t need a man to define me. I am doing absolutely fine and when the right man comes along l know l deserve all the love and respect like any other woman. I will not settle for less, force love on anyone or do stupid things for me to be validated. With or without a man l can make it. I am encouraging all to be strong and believe in yourself. My strongest support pillar was and always will be God…
How do I switch my mindset? In most areas of my life I feel very high value, worthy and resilient. But when it comes to matters of the heart, I’m having a very hard time. It’s very strange because I don’t feel low value, but I think and behave as such. Help needed! Thanks.
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