So you think you’ve found the guy! The one, the catch, the kind of guy you have always dreamed of dating and eventually commit to. So what next? How can you tell if he is a catch, does he match all of your personalty requirements? Let’s see how you can tell:
Main Entry: catch
Etymology: The noun is attested from late 14c.; meaning “that which is caught or worth catching” (especially of spouses) is from 1590s.
1: a person regarded as a good matrimonial prospect
When you’re talking about the person that’s the one; you’re talking about more than chemistry. People get caught up thinking that’s just because they’e attracted to someone, that means something – and of course it does, but only up until a certain point. You can be attracted to someone… you can have chemistry with someone… that person can even be attracted to you, but that alone doesn’t make them the one – and this is where a lot of confusion occurs in relationships.
Aside from chemistry there are ultimately certain values that you need in the person that you end up with: values of generosity; having someone who treats you amazingly well; someone who embodies the characteristics that you want – and of course you still have to have tons of chemistry this person!
Firstly – What is chemistry?!
Chemistry is usually something that you shouldn’t force; you either have it with a certain person or you don’t. Having a relationship purely based on chemistry is a very dangerous game to play. Your attachment for that person will always grow deeper and deeper, but ultimately you’re fighting against the current with them if you’ve got a different compass of the way you navigate the world.
You’re not going to be aligned in the way you choose to deal with situations or treat different people or even the way you treat each other. Even those moments when you have incredible passion together, won’t make up for the fact that you’re not on the same page, so you really are setting yourself up for a lot of heartbreak.
Be very wary of the fact that with attraction we often feel a compulsion. Attraction is a strong force in life and people only have to realize that they can get immediate connection with someone they’ve never spoken to to realize how dangerous a thing it can be.
You could walk into somewhere tonight and see someone that you instantly have chemistry with. – Now that’s dangerous because that feelings a compulsion, but it’s not based on anything; it’s not based on values. So we now have a compulsion for that person, but it could be taking you into a world that is completely different to the one you’re currently in, and then you’re left with this drug that keeps you there on one side. Just because you feel compelled doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good thing – you can have a compulsion for heroin and it doesn’t make it good for you, but that is essentially what we often seem to forget!
Chemistry is necessary, but chemistry alone is a very dangerous thing.
Chemistry is fundamentally a physiological attraction that comes from a combination of factors that turn you on. Everyone has their own formula for that, so you can’t define chemistry for any one person, but for any individual it could be a unique combination of traits such as charisma, likability and presence which suddenly creates this enthralling compulsion.
Everyone will place a different level of importance on the factors that make up chemistry; everyone will have a unique combination that they need in order to really feel it with somebody.
The second piece of the puzzle: Values
The person you see as ‘the one’ isn’t the person that you just have chemistry with; it’s someone who shows signs that they really share your values: they are the giving, ambitious person you want them to be, they’re respectful, they’re easygoing – whatever it is you have in your mind as the characteristics you want. You really need to be looking for manifestations of those values and qualities when looking for ‘the one.’ This combined with chemistry is when you know you can start to say, “I really think that this could be the one.”
What if you don’t know the values that you want?
You need to think what it is you want. If you don’t know what they are, all you have to think about is what you couldn’t stand in past relationships, with past boyfriends, and you’ll quickly find what you do want, as all you need to do is go to the opposite end of the spectrum. If you couldn’t stand the fact that your ex-boyfriend didn’t take an interest in what you do, and that he wasn’t a great listener, you know you need to find someone who really cares about your destiny as much as theirs. If your old boyfriend flirted with other women and it really got to you, then you know you need someone who is extremely loyal.
What do you admire in a person?
When you look at someone you really admire, what is it about them that makes you feel that? What do you admire about people in your family that you love? Answering these will give you the key to your values.
When these two align, then you know you’re starting to piece the puzzle together. Let us know what you think…