What could possibly be more painful than rejection? Turns out, there’s one feeling that IS.
In this week’s LOVELife I reveal what it is and share the one mindset that will get you over your fear of rejection once and for all so you can finally put yourself “out there” without worrying about getting hurt again…
29 Replies to “One Mindset to Conquer Rejection”
That was so incredibly world shaking for me… It made me cry halfway through, and it doesn’t even confine to love life, it spreads to all life experiences that we are not having while we are not letting ourselves be vulnerable and experience pain…
I reminded my self of Brene Brown saying that when we numb pain we numb joy… When we restrict painful life experiences, we restrict joyful life experieces, and then we are walking dead for 50 years…
Thank you for the shaking! I often find my self trying to induce earthquakes to transform my self!
Powerful Matthew! I will be re-watching this video whenever I am feeling less than confident.
I agree with Matt about regret better than rejection but I hope you also agree that rejection kills the confidence and self esteem- being human, it’s difficult not to feel down and hurt when getting rejected. In that case how do you bring yourself back up again – I can’t wait to hear Matt’s response to that
I think that is when you should try to build your confidence on much more deep and rooted levels. Matt does have a video on three levels of confidence and he talks about core confidence, here:
and watch this too:
Thanks so much for this. Got rejected last night, hurts so much can’t sleep. At least I can c some hope for the future.
The message you shared on this video was really powerful.
That was the best video ever, it really hit a nerve with me. Matts not exaggerating it really can swallow 10 years of your life. After being dumped at least 6 times in a row, I decided I wasn’t going to get hurt anymore and instead of thinking differently and working on myself, I basically avoided the whole dating thing. I stopped looking and putting myself out there. A few years ago I discovered Matthew, so have been following his advice to get out there, meeting new people, doing the things I enjoy. If I meet a bloke I like and he doesn’t like me, it’s NEXT! I’ve realised there are lots of single men out there my age, they are not as scarce as I thought. Yes, I do regret those 10 wasted years, it’s now too late to have kids, but at least now I can spot a loser or a user a mile off and they don’t waste my precious time :) thanks Matt, always good advice, I wish someone had kicked me up the bum over 10 years ago!
This has helped me after being dumped by my ex after almost 8 years together on the phone. He dumped me for not going to his brother’s wedding bc of finals. I tried to reconcile 4 times and still no. He unadded me on fb and ignores me at the gym. Rejection sucks but I don’t want to regret letting him go but he’s not responding to me. I don’t know what to do
I have never heard anyone speak about the fear of rejection in such a way before. I was in tears as I was watching to it. Thank you so much.
Wow Matt, you never cease to amaze me. You’re down to earth, and your sincere genuineness enables you to touch so many people and help them!
This spot really hit me in a deep place and is helping me get past the difficulty of risking going out there again and meeting men to hopefully meet my Soul’s true life partner.
I’m 23 years senior to the caller and I can tell you I have regrets and can’t go back and change anything.
Thank you for reminding me that Life is so short and so precious and it can slip by without us even noticing and all for what? Fear, which more often than not is False Evidence Appearing Real.
Thank you so much for all you do, and for continuing your work in this public format, I greatly appreciate your insight and wisdom!
I really found this video touching in a myriad of ways. Thank you, Matt.
My one criticism is that you did not ask her how long ago this break up was. You could really sense the raw emotion in her voice, which was an indicator to me, that perhaps this was not long ago.
It made your touch love advice seem a bit overbearing or insensitive, to me. She has a right to grieve, and this process is very important before going back out into the dating scene. Time to distill the lessons of heartbreak take time and if she needs 3-4 months to do this, then so be it.
The worst thing that any person can do is deny what they are feeling and then prematurely take risks, that mess them up even more. While I totally understand your point, I felt as if you should have given her the support she needed to grieve (not for 10 years– of course) and then integrate a tougher love sleight of hand.
This is my humble opinion. xx
Tough not touch! My error….
This is such a timely video, your advice and insight are spot on. I am 29, recently divorced, mother of one, very intelligent, honest, gainfully employed, starting my own business, that recently joined an online dating website. I met a man who is 29, single, no children, very intelligent, honest, professional, gainfully employed, building a career. We both had military experiences. We have chatted for hours on end; spoken over the telephone, he gave me tips on how to improve my profile. We can talk to each about everything. What we discovered was that we had a amazing physical attraction to one another even though we had never met. At first he offered to travel to see me; but I said to him, you are dangerous for me right now and he communicated, I think you are right, it’s not such a good idea after all. We mutually agreed that persuing a relationship would be dangerous for me because we were looking for different outcomes in a relationship at this particle time. Want to just say I would have not recognized nor accepted this reality with such quick resolve without the instruction and insight that I have gained through listening to your videos and Self Actualize.com coach Leo. I am looking for a deep emotional connection; he is not ready. He wants socialization with a woman or women for sexual gratitification. I did not take that as a rejection; but a wonderful gift. We both acknowledged that we both could have some very exciting times and experiences together; but the reality would be that I would end up getting very hurt. I think geography played a part also because we live about a 7 hours driving distance a part. We made the conscious decision not to go there. Now, if I were not a mom, having been married and divorced, I may have put the engery into trying to win him by attempting to change his mindset. But, I have learned to listen… know to respect that people and I have the right to be accepted just as they are at any given time. As Mother, Dr. Maya Angelou advised, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”. Yes, I am disappointed, Yes, I wish I could have enjoyed some amazing time with him…. But, I am also filled with gratitude for being enlightened, for knowing such a man of enlightenment, we saved ourselves and each other from unessary eventual suffering. I am in the “friend” catagory now and I am well with it. Now, here’s the catch, my dear friend recently expressed frastration and anger to me recently. He is finding it very difficult sealing the deal with women for “hook-ups”. He feels that he is being honest about his intentions; but women are “playing with his head” and flaking out on him when it comes down to providing sex. He has a dilemma, continue to be truthful about where is head is/is not and get zero sex action or revert back to the player he was at an earlier age in order to get what he wants…just socialization that ends in sex? Wow, that is a head scratcher for me…Any suggestions??? I am still good and okay….building my business, taking care of my personal business as head of household/mom, lots of socialization right here in my community and getting to know new people in general…Unexpectedly, received 3 dozen of beautiful roses from a would be suitor, hand delivered and presented… he was wearing a buttoned down shirt and tie…usually he’s in his work uniform or jeans & tee shirt…I have been blessed in too many ways to mention. Thanks Matthew!
The video regarding knowing what your standards are and how to effectively communicate them is beyond genious. It is the key and is essential to having the competency and capability to perform informed appropriate decision making. It immediately focuses each party that is considering entering into “a relationship”; either I can meet the standard or not, I am willing to be flexible or not, I am willing to work at change or not, am I willing to accept the eventual outcome or not. There is always a choice for both parties to make. Before the choice is made; each party has the responsibility examine strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, consequences, ramifications and potential outcome. Once the decision is made; the ball is in play; wether a goal is scored or not, the game goes on. So, it forces us to realize that we are in control of writing our own destiny based upon the choices we select and commit to…No one else is responsible, no one else can will held accountable. Thanks Matthew
Thanks Matt for the heartfelt video. Takes me back to your retreat i attended last year. Looking back at the progress I have made in my lovelife since then, steps I took way out of my comfort zone, which still makes me wonder even now how I really took things forward in this area, as things have really progressed in quite a positive direction. Thanks so much Matt, keep doing what you do, it really really does make a difference. Lots of love xx
I relate to what was said in this video…I was married for 25 years, and my marriage broke down the last 2 years of my marriage, due to my ex’s drinking problem..He became just like his Dad..and he hated the way his Dad behaved when he was growing up…So, it even surprised me too..that he went there. That seems like a million years ago. That was 6 years ago. I am now an empty-nester, I share my home with my “furry son”. LOL! So, I am single and ready to mingle. I am scared to death..My ex was the only man that I have been with..Old-fashioned and have a set of standards and values for myself. Plus, raised in a very strict household..But, I will honour myself and my parents to the end. Just the way I am. Fast forward to now..My girlfriends tell me that in this day and age, it is OK to ask a man out for coffee? Really? I have never initiated that…I have always been the Chasee, and not the Chaser.. I guess I feel most comfortable that way…I was taught..that if a guy is interested and into you..he will get ahold of you…So, I have never been the one to call a guy up and ask him out for coffee. So, have not been on the dating scene for 28 years now! Frightening! It is so FOREIGN to me…Anyways, I had my garage door fixed by this fellow back in February 2015. He finished the job and talked to me for 45 minutes afterwards… He was wearing overalls and a toque on his head (In Canada, that’s what we call a knit cap?) It is awfully cold here in February..Just saying! LOL! And it was my day off from work…NO MAKE-UP, black sweatpants, black runners..Black winter jacket! Not that attractive! NOT prepared to meet a guy that looked like that! While we were talking, he took off his toque and messed up his hair…and I actually gasped…To myself..In my head..I said OMG! He is GORGEOUS! We talked about what circumstances that got us to be single..Talked about our interests, talked about our families..talked about what we did for fun…Everything! It was electric..and I didn’t want it to end..But, I didn’t ask him out for coffee…and I thought he might not be ready for coffee just yet…Because he is so busy raising a 12 year old son..I thought he was DELICIOUS! That turned me on..knowing he was such a great and dedicated Dad! He is the primary caregiver for his son. His wife has a gambling addiction..and gambled their house away! Everyone has their problems! I thought I had it bad! Not so… Needless to say…He told me to keep watch of the “rollers on the garage door” because that would probably be the next thing that would go..5 months later..it did go…I called back the same company to fix it…only to find out from the technician..he had moved on to another company…and I know what company it is. The fellow that took his place..was trained by this delicious guy…and told me where he works now…and why don’t I call him?? That he could give me his number or tell him that I am interested in him?? What do you think about that?? Is it appropriate to do that?? Should I do that? I don’t know…I’m still so old-fashioned…old-school..I am 53 years old and have been told over and over again..I look more like I am 30..and young men hit on me in the grocery store..when I am squeezing oranges…My response to them….My name is Ms. MacKenzie ..not Mrs. Robinson..LOL! I’m flattered, but I want a man my age…and with as much life experience as me. My God! He was old enough to be my son! Yikes! My girls are soon to be 26 and 23! Mr. Delicious is 48 years old with a 12 year old son…Maybe, he is where I was..and not ready for a relationship because he is busy raising his son. I would not hesitate to date a guy who has children. I have raised my own…especially..because I was a stay-at-home Mom for 16 years while my husband was on the road. We were able to do that after the second child..just because it didn’t make sense to pay for daycare..when we could afford for me to stay at home with the children.. We didn’t want strangers to raise our children…Just our point of view on raising our kids…So, when I was divorced..it was a whole new world…Not ready to date til now. Had to get my financial situation and emotional “baggage” in order before I could even see someone…Just the way I am…I didn’t want to bring emotional baggage into the next relationship…My Ex hooked-up with a woman 6 years his senior, through his drinking buddies…Good luck with that…He has not changed at all…now, he is with someone who loves to drink…That’s good for him…I have never been that way…I guess you can grow apart…and not always grow in the right way?? So, here I am, Asking your advice about what I should do?? Should I persue Mr. Delicious..because I know the motor on the garage door will be the next thing to go…Should I go out to that company to investigate what motor I should get for the garage door…and ask for his advice?? and Feel it out to see if there is still that spark there? I am afraid of rejection too…but, I think I should seize the day! Carpe Diem…What do you think I should do?? I’ve been told by men, constantly..They think I smell good…men at work..telling me I look fine…Blah, Blah, Blah…Even the women I work with …tell me I smell good…and I don’t swing that way…Just saying…LOL! Please give me some advice…since you are much younger than me…and seem to know so much…Sincerely, Julie MacKenzie P.S. I did purchase your book and I am still in the process of reading it…I especially read the part about some of the myths about dating in the first 7 pages of the book…The one that stood out for me…Guys don’t like women who approach them first…(Didn’t know that…I guess they are scared of being rejected too?)
how powerful this video was to me. I knew in my head how to handle the rejection. It happened last week and I am feeling it so deeply. But you are so right about not wasting my time for one little thing it happened to me. I am ready to go out to the world now .
Thank you so much.
You are so right, one has to move on and not give one person, now firmly in the past, the power to affect even more of your life. By switching that mindset you can literally overnight change your life. Remind yourself that yes you are alive, healthy, sound of mind, full of potential only you can decide to fulfil. It does sound narcisstic in a way not to be affected by a persons rejection and take it to heart, to think well not everyone will feel this way towards me, look how much I have going for me. But how else are we meant to feel.
Grieve! No, you will only regret that time wasted. I know that and I also know how precious life is. Grab it by the ….. Great piece Matt xx
Hey matt.. Would you please write a book with how you get out of friend zone ? I really really need it!!!!! “The guy” is one of my good friends, i am so crazy in love with him and i sees me only as a friend.. We have so much fun together, make eachother laugh, Can spent a day together without getting tired of eChother and we allways have something to say, i mean we Can talk for hours… The only thing i need is to attract him…. He is the one i feel completly home with, i am 22 years and i’ve never felt like this before!!!!!!
I’m at the place where the girl in the rejection video could be in 10 years. 34 and I didn’t date for most of my 20s – still stinging from being strung along by two boys for long periods of time in high school and college. Also school, work, not meeting decent guys where I was at, not being proactive. All sorts of excuses not to feel.
Read the book, trying to be proactive – and now dating men who WERE proactive in their 20s and early 30s. And I’m feeling too much too early, because i don’t have the skills to cope and be “cool” at the start. I find out he was married, for 11 years, and imagine what their life was like, why it ended (he ended it, he says because they married too young), and I’m jealous of the life they led that I can never have with him if this continues.
I know he’s in the present – but because I spent too much time dwelling on my past, now his is haunting me. Maybe I could have met him then or met someone equally as good for me before now, had I not been scared.
So don’t fear rejection – do fear the time you could waste.
Any tips on how to put his past in the past? From all accounts she was a good woman, good wife, they just grew into friends and not lovers and he wasn’t happy.
Ten years from now do you want to look back and realize you’ve wasted all that time on a rejection from one guy. The mindset you need to have is that life is short and you don’t want to have unbelievable regret about not doing the things you wanted to do. You’re alive and well and you have a lot to offer somebody so don’t waste what you’ve got.
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