“Matt, I sent him that message you recommended, and it worked. But then a week later he went cold again. Help.”
In this week’s video, I’ll show you why it’s so easy to fall into this trap, and what you need to make a powerful, lasting transformation in your relationships forever…
►► Stop accepting bad treatment from men. Build your confidence to get the love you deserve. I teach you how…MatthewHusseyRetreat.com
21 Replies to “Why My Dating Advice Is Dangerous For You”
So good to see you at this event last week! Wow, it’s different watching this having been there. I’m glad you picked this moment for a Sunday video because I’m sharing this video with my friends, truly.
What this helped me with, ironically enough, wasn’t men. But at my job. Everything you said applied to my job and I realized two days after hearing you say this–I’ve got to leave this job. And soon, by the end of this year.
Don’t we do this, my fellow commenters? Stay in jobs where people don’t treat us as we deserve to be treated? Well, screw that! There is no amount of money in the world worth your pride, worth people treating you less than you deserve. And even if you really do need the money, you,like me, have to start saving and scheming to GET OUT. Plan, plan, plan. That job doesn’t get to have you ANYMORE.
So thanks, Matt. You’ve been on your game this year, really. It’s Saturday and I’m alone. I’m good with not reaching out to guys that I know will not invest in me. It’s tough but I can handle it. But livelihood? Ha! That’s exactly where I needed the push. I feel like I’ve already been to a retreat, just by going to your event, listening to a few of your products, and meeting other women doing the same. And by putting myself out there, like writing this heartfelt comment. :-)
Your comment was the best thing what could have happened with me this lonely Sunday. I’m in the situation waiting a guy to respond me stg nice, I almost sent him a second message, but reading your comment hold me back, thanks God :D Really, being alone and staying tough on a rainy Sunday, even if you know all of Matt’s instructions are true and you have to follow them for a long term goodness, is still such hard. But knowing that others, like you, is doing the same, trying to hold your standards, gives me power, the power of all of you here.
Meanwhile the guy sent it me back: “Ok”.
What a low investment! :D
So now I stay silent, even if it was our last messaging.
greetings from Hungary
I’m so glad my comment was received in the spirit in which it was sent. :-) It is tough. Really tough. I went on a first date with a new man last night and I have to admit I was still thinking of my ex afterward. Just cause he’s an ex doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. But I snapped myself out of it. I know deep down, neither man is right for me. But it’s not easy at all.
Stand firm! It’s really the biggest lesson Matt has to teach us and the only way to find the RIGHT man.
I really appreciate this thread.
I am trying to continually take on board Matthew’s comments. And the comments here from those of us give me added strength. I just wonder why we are so weak. And addiction and the dopamine factor sometimes is the reason why the weaker side of us reply back. But it’s true, we deserve more than a low investment text, or many or commitment. And this is all about oneself and how well we value ourself. Despite so many methods of communication one can still remain unconnected in a relationship. No, no more. Delay any desire to message by distraction. Worthy distraction and other more meaningful relationships. Eg with friends, mum, siblings, bingo friends (lol), lectures. Hold yourself up high, and objectively realise the harms
Well put, Matt.
I agree that we can make a guy step up temporarily by setting our standards… but it’s the long term, sustained behavior, that tells you everything about their true nature and character. And why would you ever, EVER, want someone who doesn’t make you his absolute priority?
I’ve recently gone silent from someone who wasn’t meeting all of my “must haves”. No texts, no calls, no response to his zero investment messages. Nothing. I must tell you it’s hard to do. And I know it’s making him nuts, but I’m holding firm. I’ve been told by my male friends that when a woman becomes scarce, it makes them crazy. GOOD! Doing nothing for a man who does little in return is the best strategy.
The challenge is trusting that there is someone better around the corner. But patience prevails. As does loving yourself.
Thanks, Matt. Love your weekly “lifts”!!!
So on point Matt. It is possible to find better men, men who will treat you the way you deserve, but as you said you need to have the confidence to drop the ones that don’t meet your standards and/or who don’t have similar values before you can find that “third person”. Your retreat always sounds great (and I would still love to participate!) however I needed something that worked alongside my daily life, so I started going to a life coach close to me on a weekly basis. They really helped me understand what is important to me, and I started focusing on whether a guy had the same values and standards as me, instead of prioritising how much I was attracted to them or how much I felt I had in common with them.
It can be hard sometimes to let people go as you said, in search of that “third person”. There was a guy I was very attracted to and he was by no means a bad guy, however I didn’t feel he was really ready for the kind of relationship I wanted, despite the fact he said he was (his actions spoke louder than his words). So I let him go, as kindly as I could. I held fast to what is important to me.
I’m now seeing someone who treats me so well, and whose values align with mine. I’m becoming more and more attracted to him the more I spend time with him. It’s early days, but so far it looks promising. I am ensuring I educate him where red flags appear as you said. I know the red flags that would make me walk and thankfully I’ve not seen any of those and hoping I won’t encounter them, however if necessary I could walk away as I have that inner conviction and confidence. I feel though that I may have found the person who will grow with me – watch this space!
Hey Matt ! You brought out a really pertinent point this week. I have been applying your lessons for almost 2 years now. I realize that with your techniques, I can attract more people or make them stay longer than they would have otherwise. BUT, this does not really translate into a relationship if it isn’t meant to be. However, the the techniques do make you a more confident and attractive person, which increases the chances of finding and retaining high value people in your life.
Thanks for the Sunday videos. These are fun and insightful. I always look forward to them :)
You are “spot on” with this . Building the level of confidence is key to get to number 3 ! It is a difficult battle inside our heads and hearts ! Not taking it personal is so hard, but so helpful !!
I have gotten to a place of one-two months of the right responses then drawing the line .. much sooner than before and easier to see the flags with advice from you . I hope to Meet #3 , however I having a ton of fun looking for him in the mean time. (isn’t that the whole purpose of this thing called life ?!)
Yes Matt and staff for all the hard work you do !! Xoxo
I’m loving your videos. Can you please make me dangerous in the imminent world? Please do one on online dating– texts to get things started? I will match with someone and then reach out to them with no response — or after getting a conversation started, the conversation goes stale. How can I pique his interest right off?
Wow. One of your best videos yet. Terrific teaching on assertiveness (kind tone + standards). And luv the ugly reality bit about how we feel we’re not good enough so we settle…with the focus then on building self-confidence.
Hi My Name is May Myat. I’m now in a 9 to 5 job But since 2009 i drew graffiti and now i’m part of team. In future i plan to carry on drawing graffiti.Problem is I’ve been In friend zone with a guy for 7months. But lately things changed. Both Me and him flirted with each other more.He usually send me msgs abt events around our city and invite me to go with him. I went some like 3 out of 5 events with him. But last time he invite me I said NO.Bcoz he and i’ve been fris so I’d also like to meet with him with my funny crew. I invite him to come to art area long before things changed.I honestly wanted to show abt my life and fris and want at least an honest open friendship.As soon as i replied NO to his invitations three times in a row He said “Come to my house” “Come and Paint my house” I was surprised. After One day, I asked him straight forward “Why U ask me out of nowhere to come and paint ur house? It was Strange!” Then He replied “It was a joke” I cannot understand him. Now it is confusing for me.
And yep, that’s how I stopped to be the potential booty call for certain guy. “Look, I never felt you were serious about me, so, I gave up.” No matter how much he begged that nigh, just nope, never said stop messaging me, or blocked him. He said he wanted my art for a project, and I been talking as professional, working on my own thins, and definitely not waiting on this guy to show up until he has a real thing for me to work. We were a good team in the past so he knows I’m serious about this. Is good to know I’m having a lot of value degree!
Awesome advice as usual! Thanks Matthew…Hugs!
Mat love your insight to the male mind. My problem is a strange one I am not even sure you can help me. But I have to ask for help. See it is my um my husband we are astranged. He left me for another woman but he never divorced me. Tried to divorce him but he moved. He will not comuinicste with me what am I to do? He has face book and I messaged about divorce . No reply nothing . I need help?
I agree with this video. I have been having low self esteem, due to the fact I’ve been dating for 6 years and still nothing. I somehow started lowering my standards. But recently, I’ve decided that not dating is better than putting up with guys who do not treat me the way I should be treated. I have received text from guys who ask me inappropriate question and the best solution that I can come up with is not to respond. Great video and a great reminder about what I don’t want.
I just want to let you know that I love your style when speaking and getting your point across in your videos. Thank you for helping me see those “red flags” and “patterns of behavior” in a clearer way! I hope to see you in person one day!
This video inspired me to propose u to make a video on beta vs alfa male. I think it would be interesting!
Hi! Ive been watching your videos for a while and it’s amazing how as soon as I watch them I realize how right you are about so many things. But then real life hits me and when the moment to do things right comes I just mess it up. I’ve been single for a long time now and I’m pretty sure it’s my fault, I always find something wrong with guys that are good to me there hasn’t been so many of them though. And guys that don’t treat me well and never call and don’t care about me, I’m just crazy for them. I just don’t know what to do now, all my friends have boyfriends my mom is always telling me that I’m doing something wrong and that’s why I can’t find anyone. I’m just so tired of trying to meet guys and feel I’m not good enough or they’re not going to like me or whatever and maybe that’s my problem. I feel that the pressure is just rising and I feel so lost. I’m not writing seeking for an answer to my problems but I just needed to get it off my chest! Thanks for the videos again
Hi Matthew! This is Holli – we met last year at your retreat in San Diego in Aug.
I just have to say a HUGE THANK YOU!!! for identifying a “type” of man I have never heard you or anyone identify in this video. At least not so clearly. And I would love to hear you share more often about this type.
The first and 3rd type you mention often:
1) The one who has no interest in growth
3) The man who does and actually does the work – the type we want.
However the 2nd hit way, waaaaaay to close to home for me:
2) The type who changed momentarily for the transaction of it all – in order to in turn get a response he wants out of me.
This is my ex-husband and the father of my two boys. A
And I have been taken for countless rounds of this in my 17 years of knowing him – 11 of those together with him.
I have tried many many many times since our divorce to set my standards with him…which he will meet eventually. Then eventually I let down my guard, thinking my work has paid off and I am getting him to change based on setting standards/boundaries, etc.
Only to end up in the same crazy freakin’ cycle again.
I used a lot of what I learned last year with you with him and got some even better results. Results I shared excitedly with your dad actually.
Only it keeps happening.
Hearing you FINALLY name that this is also a type is so freeing – as well as disheartening.
It is showing me that I really have to stick to my standards – for all times…because this man has shown the pattern of not being able to make real change. He makes the temporary shift in order to get back in…and before I know it he is taking more and more of my time up with his emotional conversations (VAMPIRE!!!) about the boys, and more importantly about his story of how I am not showing up for the boys and thus how he feels taken advantage of, overwhelmed, etc. (Of course I know I can NEVER live up to his expectations of me…I tried for 11 years – and again realize I have been allowing him to continue this story after the divorce many times without a firm “FUCK NO!”).
It is, as I look back, the same EXACT story of me he has always had. That goes something like:
“You were once a poor and desperate Cinderally type – and I saved you…. I am so good for you – see how good I am for you!
(insert some time gone by, sometimes an hour – other times months)
Now I feel overwhelmed from saving you so much and you need to step up and save me and make me feel better about myself or else you are worthless to me, and I will let you know exactly how worthless you are via “a”, “b” and “c”. And you need to do this without me asking or sharing this with you – you just need to read my mind and now what I expect of you…and if you don’t – I will also harshly let you know.”
This is really stinky for so many reasons, most of all because that means I need to train myself to ALWAYS be on my guard with him – which feels EXHAUSTING.
Please Matthew – please share more about how us women can deal with men like this. I know I am not the only woman out there with an ex and kids in this situation.
Oh – and I have to diddo what that woman in NYC said about living in the same time as you. I have thought this many times. I am so grateful to know men like you – that are doing the work to help us women understand men …and how to value ourselves for who and what we are!
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