The Top 10 Traits Women Can’t Stand In Men

Deal breakers, the invisible fence that we put around us in dating and relationships to keep out the losers, douchebags, and crazies. Eharmony recently asked its members what were their top “must have” and “can’t stands”. The results were not too surprising: lying, cheating, and rudeness topped the list of things that women absolutely would not put up with from a man. The top ten rounds out thusly:

Top 10 Can’t Stands For Women:

1. Lying

2. Cheating

3. Rudeness

4. Infidelity

5. Anger

6. Drugs

7. Poor Hygiene

8. Mean Spirited

9. Lazy

10. Racist

I think this is a great list of deal breakers when you’re looking for your next partner. I would even call this list a given, a fixed set that apply to everyone. Where many of us run into problems is the deal breakers that we have above and beyond the above list.

Throughout my years of working with women I have heard a long list of strange, outrageous and simply unrealistic deal breakers. Everything from he must love rabbits to he must want to visit Nepal. What do unrealistic deal breakers do to your love life? The most immediate and detrimental effect is that it narrows the funnel of men that you are bringing into your life. The second thing they do is that they play matchmaker for you and they do a bad job. Deal breakers tend to scream out, “I only want to date people just like me” which is fine in theory but doesn’t account for the reality that opposites can attract and chemistry doesn’t have a checklist to make sure of what you have in common.

I think most of us could deal with taking a good look at what we consider our deal breakers and ask ourselves, are these deal breakers or a wall to keep men out?

Question of the day:

Today I have an interesting question that I want you to think about for a minute before you answer. Are there any deal breakers you currently have that you can do without?

Leave a comment and share with me:

– One deal breaker you think must stay in your life, and…

– One ‘deal breaker’ that you are willing to let go of in order to let more men in.

Can’t wait to see your answers!

P.S. The level of interaction on the last blog was humbling. I love this community we’ve created and I’m so proud of the level of support we all give each other. Help me keep it going and take it to the next level! xx

By the way I know you’re probably excited about making changes in your love life this year. If you aren’t on it already, the Man Myth programme is the perfect way to start. Feel free to learn all about it here.


(via eHarmony)


9 Texts No Man Can Resist

224 Responses to The Top 10 Traits Women Can’t Stand In Men

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  1. Donna says:

    I am 5 ft 11 in tall so off the bat, my deal breaker is that he has to be taller than me. I married short and thought it did not matter but in the end, I never felt safe and secure. I am fit as well so I would expect my partner to respect his body enough to take care of it as well as I take care of mine. Is that asking too much? It doesn’t help that I have pretty much “aged out” of the online dating pool as I turned 50 last year. Most cutoff ages for men, even in their 50s, is 49. Typical.

    • April Adkins says:

      Donna, I can understand your dilemma as I am 5’9″ I also stay in shape. I try to go for the taller man as well. I love the feeling of feeling safe and secure. Unfortunately I have never dated a man that was taller than me aside from an inch or two. I have to make it very clear if I do the online dating that I am 5’9″ because I have been walked away from, told “wow I did not know you were that tall,” only to never hear from a man again. It’s hard, and really eats at your insecurities. I also have had men that say “I LOVE a tall woman” only when you meet they say. “UM you are very tall” Really?? What part of 5’9 did you not get???
      I wonder all the time is it my height that is keeping me from experiencing true love?? Why am I cursed with this?? What did I do so wrong? It’s hard….I can totally sympathize. I don’t think 50 is too old to be out of the dating scene. Try the site “Our Time” possibly that may help.
      I think there should be a site for tall people only! lol
      Maybe with retired basketball players looking for love!
      Good luck!! :)

      • Ingii says:

        Perhaps it is the basketball or volleyball players are for you guys. But I really believe that there is a very good reason why you guys were born this way, and I truly believe that we will only know the reason when it happened to you guys. I think be patient and be happy being single for the time being, ladies. We all want a man in our lives, but maybe it is the single time now that we have and should enjoy while we can. Enjoy and Celebrate your height! (I am a short girl – 159cm and I can never reach the standing holder in the bus to hold on to. I have trouble too =))

    • Georgia says:

      Vain. Give yourself a chance to have true live

  2. fozia says:

    i agree with what is said but i need a bit of advice on the intermitacy side i don’t wana be having intercourse with a guy befor marriage oh i am a muslim so that is the reason for it mainly but how do i get around this issue most men want to go all the way and then freuently i was suppose to get a call back but never did

    • Yvonne says:

      Hi Fozia,
      from what you wrote I understand that you place your religion before any so called Don’t, or Do-es ….

      How about looking to date men that are acceptable of your own religious concepts? Then you may still apply the Do-es, or Don’ts? This way you may narrow your experiences of not being called back?

      I personally am non-religious and it is hard for me to think that I have to marry someone first, to make that true commitment and then a very important aspect “Intimacy’ may turn out to be a really bad experience …then you’re married, then what?

      I truly believe that woman are to start to stand in their own power and to stop allowing men, or anything that is based on concepts of the ruler-ship of men being imprinted upon us through programming …. Every-thought-concept, every environmental structure, anything that men created all on their own only holds the View-Point and Perspective in it HOW MAN SEE THE WORLD, and cannot cater to the well-being of women when we are never being asked what it is that we would like to see in your world, or how we see ourselves living our lives in happiness and joy.

      The only way peace and love is brought into this world if both genders are interested to learn about what it is the other needs to feel Happy and Satisfied about life.

      I can’t tell you what to do, or how to keep a guy interested, because it even fails when you don’t wait until marriage … Men in general are not faithful by nature …. so they often move on for any superficial reason, midlife-crisis etc. … Too much stress at home because of the kids, money problems, feeling inferior because they don’t earn enough to buy all the he wants to provide for …. Loosing a job, as it makes him feel like a loser, because he felt he lost a competition etc, …. This has nothing to do with whether one person is religious, or not! – It doesn’t make you a better person, it doesn’t make any man a better person ….

      I believe that the best people we can be is if we are living our lives through truly getting to know ourselves, WHO WE TRULY ARE inside of us, THE TRUE CORE ESSENCE OF OURSELVES, and what it is that is most important for us as an individual …. and then voice this, stand for it, live it and show it authentically!

      It’s honesty to the self and honesty to others, because they will have the ability to perceive us exactly for WHO WE ARE. This goes for both genders …
      No bad surprises later on but simply authentic and true.

      If you can attract someone BECAUSE OF WHO YOU TRULY ARE, YOUR TRUE PERSONALITY, not what people expect you to be, or the role that you are to play to be satisfying your surroundings, the expectations of others upon you … NO …. YOU …. THE WOMAN …. the strong woman to stand for yourself …. because no-one else can live your life for you, and any decision you will ever make is one that you will have to live with ….

      That’s why I don’t let anyone make decisions for me, although I am interested to hear other’s opinions …. they still don’t have to live with the decision I AM Making, so when I am true to myself the decision making is also of my own making ….

      Get to know yourself Fozia and what you truly want in life, live that and the ‘right guy’ will come into your life who loves you for who you truly are, not for what you are pretending to be for him … It’s dishonest …

      I will always tell that to all woman who ask how to find the right guy.
      I MUST BE RIGHT WITHIN FIRST, before I can expect anyone to be right with me and for me :-)

      Hugs and Peace to you ♥

      • Berrine says:

        Hi Fozia,

        Your decision to have sex only after marriage is honorable and worthy of respect. A guy who genuinely likes you will respect your choices, and will understand that you want to wait sexually. I suggest that you practice a firm but gentle way of telling guys that you practice abstinence before marriage. The guys who hear this message and do not call you back, are clearly not on the same page as you, and are probably not marriage minded anyway.

        You deserve the best. Stick to your guns baby.

  3. Kariny says:

    Hi Matt,

    Honestly, when I get to know the guy, and find out that I’m into him, there are no deal breakers. Everything else can be talked about and solved with communication and love. :) Thank you so much for your posts and everything you share with us. We appreciate it!

    Much success to you ;)

  4. Holly says:

    Deal breakers: unfaithful, dishonest, unhegenic, aggresion, undemostrive, selfish bad with money (first things that spring to mind)

    Must haves: faithful, trust, itegrity, kind hearted, fun, freedom and breathing space, a good sex life, attraction, compatability, openess, a job or working towards something he finds meaningful in life, consideration, focused on taking care of himself (health)

  5. Vicky says:

    Hey Matt!

    I love this because since my recent breakup people have been telling me I’m just too picky- which I’m not, at least I don’t think I am. I want someone who is patient, kind, intelligent, and respectful, but among my must-haves is a preference for people who like animals, and someone who has their life together.

    I am unsure as to the importance of caring for animals, because to me it is an aspect of my life that I have always enjoyed. I have pets back home, which I have raised since their birth, who I do not think I would be able to give up. I do think, however, demanding that someone has their life completely together is something I could do without. I have come to realize that I don’t have my own life all figured out so I should not expect the same of another person. I have student loans which I am still accumulating, will likely move back in with my parents for a while after law school, and am a bit insecure about myself- so how can I expect someone to be perfect when I am far from it myself? I think I will change this must-have to something more reasonable like he must be goal oriented or financially responsible for his means, something more targeted towards being open to imperfection, but at the same time requiring someone who won’t just sit on his couch all day and treat me like garbage either.

  6. Nienor says:

    Hei Matt,

    Short hair used to be a deal breaker for me. That is one thing I decided had to go.

    One deal breaker I think should stay and be even more important is lifestyle hygiene: obviously, he doesn’t have to be always making the healthy choice in everything, but to be active, positive, eat well and avoid addictions is a must.

    Thanks for the tips, they are not only useful, but also amuse me quite a bit!


  7. Rosella says:

    Hi Mathew,

    I am dating this guy. the first time we met, he was like a crazy frog. After a few months he doesn’t want to talk to me or call me.. I called him what happened he said nothing and he always make lame excuses. He told me that he still loved me and want to spend the rest of his with me. But, i felt that he don’t love me anymore.

    I really need your help Mathew!!!

    • Yvonne says:

      Hi Rosella,
      I had that same experience in my last relationship. He could not get fast into my life, after moving together after one year into the relationship everything went down-hill. His attitude towards me changed drastically when it came to personal attention, and loving communications. He was a very busy person, which is ok as it means he is taking care of things, but when there was spare-time he hung out in the house by himself and I felt really rejected that I had to be the one to initiate time together, which often ended up that he went to bed even later than myself, so we never really cuddled that often anymore. I felt totally neglected. When he came home from work I did not even get a hug and a kiss unless I initiated it. He just seemed to feel like not wanting that type of closeness anymore, unless it was in the sexual department.

      He was walking around with this serious face all the time and it seemed that my daughter and I were in his way. He would also not let me help with anything much because he thought that people make mistakes and he doesn’t want to get angry with me if things break while he was renovating the house. He had no confidence that I was capable of doing things, too which is total bananas since I am an artist and I can paint walls beautifully.

      I don’t know what all this was, but my daughter and I eventually left, since he seemed to have a crazy attitude to life and people in general, complained all the time about other people’s whereabouts which is actually none of his business. One can cause it’s own thought-up drama, which ended in the result that I was also wrongly accused of cheating! Not sure if he just said it to get rid of us, or if he cheated himself …. All I know is that this man sent mixed messages to me most of the time and it was beyond frustrating and hurtful for me. He was never there for me emotionally. This closeness and trust in him that he would never hurt my feelings, reject and abandon me just feel through. I felt really scared and paranoid at the end of it all … How could someone proclaim to be in Love with me and at the same time be so emotionally distant? while at the same time giving a particular ex-girlfriend compliments on FB while totally ignoring any type of graphic artwork (not even as far as an I LIKE) that I did for him?

      When probing him about the ex he just used it as an excuse to call me ‘insecure’ and kept on doing his thing. I got so tired of it! Up to this day I still don’t know if his cheating accusation towards me what simply a ‘male strategy’ to break-of the relationship or if he actually believed his own crazy thoughts, which in terms of how he tries to sell his negative thoughts about others as THE TRUTH, it may very well been that he truly believed his own thought-up lie about me. How knows? He never explained to me what exactly made him think that, no evidence of anything, of course not …

      I went through an emotional hell because of all this …. and I am still not really over that. When I used to think that men are NOT TO TRUST and are mainly liyars and cheaters, believe me, I am even more imprinted with that thought now, after having had that type of experience ….

      In your case, just don’t put too much stake into this guy, he probably is on his “Emotional High Wave” when he tells you all these nice things, and when he is down on that wave he feels possibly negative, or nothing about anyone or anything but it just into himself ….

      It’s up to you if you want to spend time with someone like this, or even consider such unstable personality into your life.

      For my part …. I HAD ENOUGH! although I still feel love for him, which is beyond me…. really …

      Have to clean-out my emotional field somehow, get someone to do energetic work on me, so I can finally let him go ….

      Love should never hurt, because if it does it’s not love but a situation where two people’s frequencies just cause havoc and often are not in alignment …. Sure people can work through this, but BOTH parties have to be able to step outside of themselves and actually find the relationship valuable enough to WANT THIS by communicating lovingly with each other to truly get to know the other what their DOs and DON’Ts are and it must be conversed in a non-judgmental way …. also by giving every one the chance to speak and to listen to each other … it has to be about the relationship as a whole, not the EGO of each individual …

      Most men aren’t capable, so I found out, because they are not emotionally open when it comes to talking about theirs, that’s why they defend through blaming and self-righteousness…..

      Society should really start to teach Psychology in school and speak about behavioral forms whereas boys growing into men finally GET IT that feelings are just as important as the intellect and the Money-Making Business …. Seriously!

      Hope this helps you.
      Best of wishes,

  8. De'Ann says:

    Haha! This is a great topic, Matt. As someone who is a grandmother, and dating a younger man, I have to say that age was one of the dealbreakers that I totally let go of.

    And I simply must have honesty and integrity, because that is what I bring to the table myself. I want to be with someone who treats me as well as I do them. Anything else is negotiable!

  9. Marianne says:

    As long as he has a great sense of humor, nothing else matters.

  10. Trisha Randall says:

    I tried online dating ONCE. I have been told to be careful with personal identifiers online such as your exact age, your occupation and your location of residence. The one person I agreed to meet called me a liar because I did not post my exact age online and within 1/2 hour of meeting him would not disclose my location of residence. I did tell him I would be happy to tell him at the end of our initial meeting if I decided I did indeed actually like him. This was not good enough for him and he left making a big scene leaving me the bill and texting back that I am a liar and he would call the cops if I contacted him. Obviously I did not! Thought on this?!

    • NN says:

      You had a lucky escape.
      If anyone behaves like that.. In short he doesn’t take “no” for an answer, there is something seriously wrong with him.
      He would have behaved the same in other things too.

      You were and you are right to protect yourself.
      If a man doesn’t accept that, he is wrong kind of man, and you don’t need him.

  11. Andreea says:

    Hi there! And thank you for all newsletters, articles and videos! They are really helpful and they changed a lot of my way of thinking. In fact, I have already bought your book – Get The Guy – and I can’t wait to receive it and read it!:)
    I agree with all the deal breakers above and I also have one of my own which I have to admit it makes my love life veeeery difficult: I don’t want to have sexual relationships before marriage. It is not only because my religious beliefs (I’m Orthodox and don’t think that I look weird or something, I am attractive, I’m smart, I have a good sense of humor and men like me), but also because I don’t want to have multiple sexual partners in my life. I am a romantic person and I really wish I have intimacy only with my husband. The thing is… this is exact thing that put men off once they meet me. They tell me that they are attracted to me, they love me, but… they can’t be in a relationship with me because they want to explore their sexuality and that the relationship wouldn’t last without us being intimate. This thing breaks me down and I know I just can’t do a compromise about it because I wouldn’t feel good about me and this would affect my partner as well.
    The deal breaker that I can let go is looks. I don’t need a man with pretty face or perfect body.

    • Vicky says:

      I have to say that I understand where you’re coming from. Although I did not wait until I was married, I have decided not to have sex again until I was married. I have discovered that although I believe sex is a very healthy and natural part of a relationship, I also want to make sure he is the right one before I marry him. Now, let me tell you, this is not only harder than it seems, but its also difficult to explain to men. They don’t seem to get why I won’t sleep with them if I am not a virgin and I usually end up going on one or two dates and that’s the end of that. I think, however, that if he’s really worth my time and energy the sex thing won’t matter so much to a quality man.

  12. Grace says:

    Hi Matthew,

    For me the top deal breaker would be smoking.
    However, lately I’ve realized I can’t be with negative people, overly clingy and jealous.

    As for the one that I can let go of, should be: Age.
    I dated guys who were my age or older, but hopefully there are younger guys who would be interested in me too :p (if dating older women isn’t a deal breaker for them haha)

    Thanks for sharing and hope to see u again soon!

  13. Matina says:

    Hi Mat,
    A deal breaker for me would be dating a tight-ass! When someone’s tight with their money, they’re usually tight with their feelings and time as well.
    It’s a package deal.
    An area l’m willing to overlook these days is eye colour. I used to have a fixation with blue eyes!

  14. Alicia says:

    He has to be honest in a polite way. i hate liars and cheaters.

    i think i’d be willing to give up that he has to like country music. i am a huge fan of country guys and nothign is better than a country guy in jeans, boots,and hat with a truck and/or a horse. however i’m willing to compromise in hopes that maybe i’ll find someone still good enough who might change my look or maybe i’ll change his.

  15. Sonja Stiefel says:

    Top Dealbreakers: Poor oral hygiene, Poor communication skills, lack of intelligence

    Not that important anymore: body type, height, education

  16. bianca says:

    This topic reminded me of a sore subject I’ve been dealing with recently. Not to long ago I broke up with a guy because he started to display half of deal breakers shown. Yet, I can’t help the feeling like I ended the relationship too early. I mean he was a nice guy. Can a guy be a good boyfriend and slip in some deal breaking qualities? Or am I just feeling so post breakup doubt?

  17. kelly says:

    I’d never get rid of my #1 deal breaker, Lying. But I have given in on my “Height” deal breaker.

  18. Maria says:

    Mine firm deal breaker is ignorance of art.

    Recently a guy started chatting me up in the street. He was doing a pretty good job impressing me with his self-confidence and I would have ignored many missing tics from my must-have list, yet he did one crucial mistake. At some point he confessed he “doesn’t know much” about contemporary art and asked to explain it. I took dance as an example saying it doesn’t always have a straightforward plot line but that’s even better as there’s more space to take wild guesses. He cheered up for a moment as if understanding the idea and said “oh, it’s like pornography!” Seriously?!

  19. Joanne says:

    Hi Matt,
    My dealbreakers are: disrespect and immaturity.. My ex wouldn’t recognize my opinion on where to stay and would often make multiple plans for
    one evening whilst making plans with me. Once he left me alone at a
    concert to go drinking with his colleague. and every new year’s eve plan would be a misadventure, something would go wrong somehow as he wanted to party all the time, he once got himself locked up in my friend’s toilet and they had
    to break the door to get him out.

  20. Isa says:

    Hi :-)

    I would keep these deal breakers:
    1. Disrespect (respect is the pillar of any kind of healthy relationship. It shouldn’t ever be undermined!

    2. Being put on the back burner

    And then, there is poor hygiene (just because I think it’s a major turn off)

  21. Mary Rose says:

    Hi Matt,
    I’ve been picking up your posts for a short while now. New to this arena of dating. 43 and single again is a scary place. Amicable separation, so no issues there, but this last few months of toe in the water to start dating has been a roller coaster of emotions.

    I am an open minded individual. I try hard not to force deal breakers before getting to know a guy but my sense is they have such firm criteria themselves that to stay strong and sane out there I need to toughen up.

    Rude, pushy first daters… Guys who announce over starters they want children ASAP. Guys who force political opinion and expect agreement.
    Then one or two nice ones, who allow you to relax, then suddenly they need space and disappear.

    So deal breakers before actually getting to know someone are hard to define.
    Mary Rose

  22. Sara says:

    For me if there is a real love there wont be any deal breakers and if there’s any we can solve it by talking :)
    And Sorry for the bad English

  23. Emily says:

    I want a honest and playful man who’s up in spirits.

    … I could do without the wants a big family seeing that I’m too young to be considering a family yet. :)

  24. raya says:

    Hi Matthew,
    I believe that finding the right relationship is not easy but maintaining it can be even harder. And maintaining it requires friendship and respect.
    So in addition to lying, i think abuse in all its forms is number one deal-breaker for me. I also don’t like a lazy partner who doesn’t have goals in his life.
    Thanks for your inspiring blog & happy 2013 !!

  25. Manon says:

    My past relationships’ reasons for ending are most of my today’s no goes. This said:

    – if he doesn’t have the “je ne sais quoi” that brings the best out of me, I believe it becomes a deal breaker for me, which needs to stay.

    I understand this filtering procedure that people would apply, in order to eliminate those they wouldn’t want. We all dislike liars, cheaters etc… But why would you focus on stretching a net of elimination, when you could do the opposite first? It sure is practical to know what you don’t want, but it sure is better to know what you want first, unless of course, you don’t. It’s about Getting The Guy and not Getting A Guy. It’s about selecting and not eliminating. We all have our flaws. You just gotta know which flaws you can live with not the other way around. If the man brings the best out of me and I in him, the rest is just secondary. I am willing to overlook his shadows, as dark as they may seem to others or even be.

    thanks for reading :)

  26. Blu Lune says:

    For me, deal breakers: Lack of personal awareness, Lack of personal responsibility, Lack of sense of humor, Unable to openly communicate, Lack of genuine good heart. And of course, there must be chemistry, which for me requires being confident (self-assured) AND decisive (knows what he wants + acts to get what he wants). Mama’s boys need not apply.

    I think all of the top ten list are made mute by these fundamental traits (aka wouldn’t exist to a meaningful degree).
    Ex: he wouldn’t be mean-spirited if he had a good heart.
    Ex: A man possessing true self-assurance and decisiveness is less likely to be likely to have poor hygiene or be slovenly, etc. Equally, obvious poor hygiene generally indicates lacking of traits I’ve listed (so, becomes mute).
    Ex: we all tell white lies, Q: motive? to avoid hurting someones’s feelings or for personal gain.
    Ex: Everyone gets angry. Q: what/how anger manifests and what results from anger… Blames the world for things not going your way? or Takes personal responsibility for anger and takes positive steps to resolve source of anger.

    So, I guess what I am dropping are hard & fast interpretations of the ‘Top 10’ in favour of the positive personal traits listed. BTW, with the exception of “genuine good heart” which is more detectable as a feeling/aura, but, can be “faked” AND “chemistry” which either is or is not there, I think all the other traits can be ‘measured & tested’ (short-term, with well thought-out questions), albeit (long-term) with diligence.

    I’ve also dropped any fast & firm physical or chronology requirements in lieu of presence of “chemistry”. A man/woman becomes beautiful/arousing” to you because you find them “beautiful/sexy” from within. Likewise, a “9/10” can quickly become a “2” as soon as they open their mouths. And really, who cares how old they are if the chemistry is there. Yes, chemistry can fade over time (but so can everything else); but not if both parties work to keep it alive in the long-run. Plus, I think we’re talking about short-term, initial meeting/getting-to-know-you requirements.

    Yes, it’s easy to poke holes in my list (as with all others); but eh, those are my guidelines.

    I try to look inward rather than outward and be complete with myself rather than seek others to fill my voids. This speaks more to: what will make me appealing to the type of man I want to attract. I think that focus will keep me from “settling for” or “compromising standards” when seeking a companion with whom to share my life.

    Best of luck ladies (& gents) & thanks for reading,

  27. Reema says:

    I find that good guys are always attracted to me and I can recognize them. But I ended up leaving them before they do that to me ! bcuz when I am 100% sure that someone is into me that really confused me and make me wanna run away :(

    – Lying: can be a deal breakers in case someone is lying all the time about so many things even the silliest ones, this really irritating for me.
    -Over controlling: Another deal breaker is when someone trying to control me and my life and he does not give me so much space to decide for myself.
    – Over Jealousy: A third one would be when he is over jealous, that means he does not trust me or he is not confident about himself.

    I think people do this mistakes all the time form lying to jealousy but there is a point when someone reachs it and you can not handle that much of it, then I think it will be a deal breaker !

    After reading this post I find that I use deal breakers in my life without realizing that I am doing it.

    Thanks Matt for this great post.

  28. Eni says:

    I’ve also got a few more deal breakers. I can’t stand men/women without

    -) social skills: comfort your girlfriend instead of walking out of the room if she’s crying

    -) very low self-confidence: sooner or later they start to pick on you and bring your self-confidence down (at least to their level)

    -) the ability to self-reflect: you will always be the bitch if you point out things you don’t agree with. they always want to be right and their opinion has to be always unquestioned

    -) beeing able to accept and deal with the fact, that their behaviour has always (positive or negative) consequences: it’s always the fault of other people if something goes wrong or if that behaviour isn’t very well accepted

    just my opinion.

  29. Jean says:

    I believe you make yourself a better person, set your own standards and values. It is not about the way people treat you it is about the way you ALLOW people to treat you. When you meet someone and you “click” if you really care for each other then you have to walk the same path. Walk the path together. Live, Love, Laugh and be Happy. Always put each other first, then the “deal breakers” become insignificant. As for making him a cup of tea. What the hell if you love him make him a potfull.

  30. Chloe says:

    Hi Matthew,

    Firstly, I just wanted to say I really enjoy your writing, you always provide some insightful information that I never really thought of before. Thanks for all the help you are trying to provide to others.

    One thing I wanted to get your opinion about, which you touched upon “opposites can attract and chemistry doesn’t have a checklist to make sure of what you have in common” — in your opinion, do you think differences and being opposites is a good thing in the long-term? Or do you think people are better matched when they’re more alike?

    I definitely feel like in the beginning of relationships, differences can be exciting, but I’m not sure if this is actually a great thing in the long-term?

    Thanks, & best wishes for 2013 :)

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hi Chloe,

      Each relationship is different. There isn’t a magic formula for how much you have to have in common to make a relationship work. The best thing to do is keep a open mind when meeting potential partners.

      Thanks for commenting!


  31. Elizabeth says:

    Hey Matt! This post could not have come at a better time. In fact, I was going to ask you to do a segment on this as well as how a man should treat a woman he cares about.

    In any case, I’ll get on with it. My dealbreaker is disrespect and lack of interest. If a man has disrespected me or mistreated me in any way, any attraction I feel for him is gone. As well, if he is with me and pays little or no attention to me, this also becomes a huge turn off!!!

    A dealbreaker I could probably do without is that he must be taller than me. I suppose it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if I had to be the one to bend down and kiss him on the cheek! ;) ;)

    Good to hear from you again and take care! :)

  32. Natasa says:

    Racist, cheating, smoking would be on the top of my list. Why the hell isn’t racist higher up? That’s an extremely unattractive trait.

  33. Jen says:

    Matt, the thing about deal breakers is that by definition, they are things that ruin it for you. If its an actual deal breaker, it’s not something you can just change your mind on because its something that completely turns you off beyond repair; so much so that it overshadows all the good attractive qualities you liked in the first place.
    Thus, I feel like a deal breaker is more than just a dislike… A deal breaker is a “game over” kind of thing… Something you can’t get around.

    I think it’s good when a woman is honest with herself enough to identify this turn-off and NOT bend to make it last with someone who has a quality that will always bother her… Just to appease a man that is not right for her. It shows confidence & strength if she can walk away.

    That being said, if she knows what those deal breakers are… In general you can get pretty good at spotting them early on.

    Personally, I prefer to focus on what are the “must haves”… So generally the opposite of that would effectively be a deal breaker.
    Must Have #1: Tall. 6’3-6’5…. It’s not that I “don’t like short guys.” It’s more that, I’d only notice & be attracted to a guy in that range.
    Must Have #2: Generous. Cheap is the biggest turn off ever. It says “You’re not worth it.”… So how can I get excited about that? It’s actually impossible, therefore: deal breaker :)

  34. Google eye says:


    I have 3 deal breakers. It may sound a lot on top of the 10 listed, but it is not really!

    1. If a guy insists he will do anything and everything for you. – He:
    (a) either thinks that he is close to being your God and can make all things work for you. – The hidden agenda is he expects you to worship him and obey him whatever he orders you to do or not do – not just adore and admire him!
    (b) or he is fooling you just to get close to you!
    I prefer guys who are ground, and tell me exactly what I can expect from him, and be real and true to me.

    2. Guys who complaint about everything but do not take actions to deal with his discontent! – For example, if he bought a TV which is faulty, he complained to you but would not fight for his consumer rights! This kind of guys is pure talking and pipe-dreaming. How unproductive is his life!

    3. Guys who are sexist! – Because you are a woman, he expects you to live in the kitchen to do the cooking, washing-up, cleaning, ironing, etc. The modern term on this is a tweak version of ‘domestic goodness’. I think Nigella Lawson confines DG to good women cooks, but this type of guys go much further! They are properly egoistic simply because they are men and this is their standard of how women should live! They would not mind if you also earn salaries, and pay half-of-all-bills on top of being his servant! Can you imagine living with someone who expects you to make him teas whenever he asks! Thinking about me being a 1950s housewife is horrible!

    Matthew, being a high value woman, I can still be able to get the guy I want without compromising on these, right?

  35. Wanda says:

    I believe dialogue will solve any deal breaker.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hi Wanda,

      Thanks for commenting!


      • Jen says:

        Dialogue won’t solve short…or cheap

        • Blu Lune says:

          No one else seems to be saying it, so I will. I think both of yours are rather shallow. 6’3″-6’5″… whatever floats your boat – you might as well say: no nose hairs, Irish, have perfect abs, only blue eyes, etc. And ‘cheap’ is highly sub-subjective. Basically, I hear only wealthy basketball players need apply. There are just so many other ‘quality-traits’. Again, whatever floats your boat! Good luck to you.

          Mathew, you are very insightful & diplomatic!

  36. joy says:

    my deal breaker is when u make me to feel undesirable or unimportant, I think telling liars is not that bad, I can do with it. Thanx for listening

  37. joy says:

    my deal breaker is when u make me to feel undesirable or unimportant, I think telling liars is not that bad, I can do with it.

  38. Esperanza says:

    A deal breaker for me would be a negative mindset, I can’t stand someone that turns any little thing into a nightmare.

    A suppose ‘deal breaker’ I would be willing to let go is selfishness as odd as that is. I’ve always grew up on the follower role and providing for someone elses benefit. So being a bit selfish wouldn’t bother me much.

  39. Reena says:

    I am quite a deep and spiritual person and I feel the most important thing i want is a good, big heart, humour and a powerful connection. I just believe existing and ‘being’ with someone no matter what the other superficial differences maybe is a wonderful feeling – esp when the other person feels as zen as you do about it all. I’d rather focus on those things and i feel the other good qualities are a natural branching out from a good, big heart. :)

  40. susan says:

    If I like the guy there are no deal breakers.

  41. jill says:

    i used to always say smoking was a deal breaker, but for one guy in particular i would be willing to let that go as he is a great guy aside from the habit. i would not bend on drug use though and getting drunk ( casual social drinking is fine) , a def deal breaker for me .

  42. Trisha says:

    Smoking, negative, self center, can’t take well care of himself and complain about every things are deal breakers for me. I want to be with someone who can make me a better woman, not dragging me down.

    I think I may can tolerate age-differences because younger men or way older men tend to like me more….sad…but true

  43. Amy says:

    The one thing I hate the most is selfishness. A guy can be so sweet and sincere but if he ignores me or treats me differently whenever he is busy or has problems at work it is a complete turnoff. As a woman, I don’t want to feel like I’m undesired or unimportant. This issue is most common with intelligent and sincere guys who are perfectionists; they get frustrated easily and tend to not notice when they suddenly treat a girl differently or just flat out stop talking to her.

  44. Jill says:

    I think this was gonna be about liars however I did like it. I do feel a lot of people I come in contact with have insanely high expectations and need to realize you can’t expect perfection otherwise you have absolutely NO chance of ever meeting someone. With each failed relationship I try to step back and seriously ask myself what is it that I don’t like about that relationship and if I am being realistic. In the end it boils down to the fact that he doesn’t add to my value. Not that he’s a bad guy just not on the same page. I also have a story about a guy who was so desperate to find a girl he was willing to look over the fact that she sent him a picture of herself 30 lbs lighter then she actually is. Personally I thought it was hilarious that someone would even question whether or not they should pursue a relationship with a person who isn’t honest about what they look like. Moral of the story don’t date liars

  45. Caressatran says:

    Hi Matt,

    My deal breaker: indecisiveness. My man need to have the gut to move things.

    Another one is bad kiss. I cannot tolerate bad kissers!

    A deal breaker i can tolerate is baldness. Guys can be sexy even without hair :).

  46. Shannon says:

    A huge deal breaker for me would be that the guy doesn’t have the same religion as me. If we don’t agree on that one thing, then how can we agree on anything?

    A deal breaker that I would be willing to let go of is wearing tube socks with sandals.

  47. lizzy says:

    Deal breakers for me would be Selfishness.(once dated a guy who thinks of himself alone) stinginess, Poor-hygiene,Low sense of humour, drunkenness,arrogance,infidelity,

  48. Cate says:

    One deal breaker that must stay would probably be confidence. I truly believe that if a man believe in himself and know what he wants, it affects the quality of the relationship. My friend dated a guy who wasn’t sure of his studies, his future and most importantly, of himself. He constantly seek assurance from my friend. When my friend’s father opposed, all he did was whine to us and pull his “I-give-up” line on my friend. So their relationship flickers on and off for years. Maybe it was because we were younger (18 years old) then, but its still terrible.

    I can probably bend a little more when it comes to appearance and religion. A good man isn’t always taller than me and there can only be one Jensen Ackles XD As long as he change into clean clothes and keep his hair and nails short enough. I don’t see myself converting, but I can probably relax abit on religion tolerate our differences.

  49. Mercedes says:

    Definite dealbreaker would have to be greed.

    and okay…..I’m willing to be more open to guys who don’t have David Beckham’s body..ahhh what a challenge haha.

  50. Mary McAndrew in Honolulu.HI says:

    For myself, being careful around men is a hard won lesson that allows me to adjust for very many dealbreakers and which I have mulled into a nugget for thought: this regards the *Vibe* he puts out. How I feel around the guy carries far more than what his superficial features portray.

    People have stated in various formats how psychic sensations are innate to us and I feel that my abilities to sense essential motivations are my greatest “read” for people/men in my life: knowns & unknowns.

    This sensitivity likely developed as a result of certain trauma. Likely also the result of an epiphany/learning experience so fully embraced that it has become the most natural thing in the world and no such label as ESP might apply because, in fact, it’s *not* extra, it’s normal.

    Some of the deal breakers Matt lists are obvious to the eye: hygiene, laziness, anger, rude, mean-spirited. Others, obviously more hidden from view: cheating, lying, infidelity, drugs/cigarettes/crime, a diabetic who sneaks doughnuts/drinks sugar drinks/doesn’t exercise to save his life, porn watchers, psychopath/sociopath/narcissist, etc. (does it seem endless sometimes? =)

    One can base each “fail”, listed and unlisted, in an incidental activity that a man could do. When he participates in any negative activity that lacks integrity it effects a disintegration of his auric vibe. As such, any activity, seen or unseen to you or others, effects vibratory energy to radiate from his inner self. The effects of his activities are subtly pronounced in his auric vibration, which you can sense without him saying a word.

    Talking is so last eon! Women do well to culture their innate sensory capacity. No serious, practical woman who seeks higher level companionship would abandon this vitally important coupling indicator and hope to luck out with success.

    • Kelley says:

      I find it pretty funny that porn watchers are a deal breaker for you. Every man I have ever known has watched porn, either online or in magazines.

      • Mary McAndrew in Honolulu.HI says:

        I’m not bothered that you are amused to think that porny guys are a deal breaker for me. I’ve been married twice and I know what I like in a man. I like a guy who is focusing his partnering energy on me and I only need one, mind you, so if the rest of the men on the planet are into porn, that’s ok, because it makes it easy to cull them from the candidate list.

        Let’s be clear: if all the guys you know or have ever known are “into porn”, then none of the guys you know would qualify to partner with me, no matter about anything else. The quality of the men in your world is very low, in my estimation.

        To me, participating in porn as a viewer/collector tells me that the man is 1)immature 2)misogynistic 3)has fidelity issues 4)lacks real activities that are productive and life-affirming 5) is not the kind of ignorant person I care to spend any time with. I work with many, many men from around the country and around the world. Very few of them are “into porn”!!

        The very few that are “into porn” are rude to and about women, have few, if any, female friends, are sexist in the main, tend towards rather negative, downward spiral behavior which eventually bites them in the fat okole, and always end up regretting the precious time they wasted being focused on pointless little images as mental drugs to spike their dopamine addiction. As they realize that they’ve been co-opted by powerful entities which have essentially robbed them of their maturity and freedom from enslavement, not to mention their money (in cash or time wasted), they look like fools and the insecurity that is layered on to what they already have is just so tragic…

        As I say, what’s done behind closed doors affects a man’s vibratory field. If he is into lame pursuits that act as a drug (which is what porn viewing actually does), then he forgoes spending his precious lifetime moments in things that empower him when he emerges back into the world. This auric vibration is what I tune into, as well as listening to him and watching to see his motivations. If he seems like a daft prat porn goggleboxer, then he’s chucked into the *no chance in h3ll bin*…that is, if he had any other qualities that might have attracted me in the first place.

        I worked with over a hundred men yesterday, some familiar friends and some unknowns. I would say the vast majority of them are not involved in porn viewing. The few that are reveal obvious interpersonal deficiencies, even if only interacting with other men. When they interact with me, their aura is darkened grey, weak, bitter, and they lack true joy from within. It’s sad to see them like that but they feel that watching porn is something that “everyone does”, so they excuse their pointless behavior as “normal”.

        To more innately sensitive men and women, they appear idiotic. Yes, we laugh at them, not with them. But they are free to choose idiotic behavior… And it shows as a lack of fundamental capacity to interact with others.

        So, because I could never waste my time with someone who has a funky aura or is a misogynist, I use the porn-watching dealbreaker as a Q&D litmus test to screen out the non-candidate. I have quite a few dealbreaker/litmus tests to begin with, not to mention height, weight, hair color, the way he smells, and if he has other parity with me, so if he’s into porn, it just makes it easy to chuck him in the *no chance* bin.

  51. wolfbite says:

    Duplicity, arrogance, false promises: dealbreaker
    Drugs: keep it green or legal
    Alcoholism: dealkiller
    Mockery of things I’m passionate about: hit the road jack!

  52. sabrina says:

    To the moderator: Would you be able to take my photo off of my comment? I noticed that no one else has their real photo up and I’d feel more comfortable if mine was more anonymous.

    Thank you!! :)

    • gettheguy says:

      Hi Sabrina,

      Sorry, we don’t have any control over your profile. Depending on which service you logged in with, you should be able to remove it. Hope this helps.


  53. sabrina says:

    The 10 above + one more are my deal breakers. I met a man who was very enamored of me & he seemed like great “husband material” & really wonderful. I was over the moon, except…..Has anyone ever heard of the “transitional other, the band-aid relationship or the rebound relationship?” Well, apparently, I never got the memo. My new man was going through a terrible divorce. He told me all of the terrible things she did, on & on. We married one month after his divorce was final & started a life together in another state. His adoration of me (or even paying attention to me) faded very quickly after I said, “I do”. He never unpacked his baggage w/ his last wife, or even asked himself what he had done to contribute to the downfall of their marrage. He never learned from or grew from that relationship. And guess what? Everything he didn’t work out with her, came my way (!). I was married to an angry, miserable, emotionally distant man. Looking back, he obviously just wanted a replacement wife & to move on quickly, which he did with me. I was truly blindsided by his sudden disinterest in me & blamed it on stress related to us moving, new jobs, new marraige, etc. I stayed in it for 7 years, trying to build a life with him & hopefully start a family as soon as things got better. They never did & I filed for divorce 7 years later & moved back to my home state. It was heartbreaking and, although I’ve seen a therapist & worked through the lessons I learned from that relationship, I’ve been single ever since (for the past 10 years).
    So, in hindsight, my new dealbreaker is: EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY. Meaning, if he is going through a divorice, separated, not yet over his ex, wrestling w/ an addiction, or anything that makes him unable to truly love & care about me, he’s out.

  54. Shania Soto says:

    I am with someone but he keeps controlling my life and has a big ego but i want him to stay because he’s not that bad once you know him but i’m still making him change but he keeps going back… How can i make him change the bad things in him?

    • Kristine says:

      Hi Shania,

      I believe that the only person you can change is yourself and even that only if you feel very motivated and committed to it. If your boyfriend has a big ego and is very controlling, that’s probably part of his personality structure and, unless he feels himself that this is not appropriate and respectful in a relationship and – out of his own motivation – he wants to modify this behaviour, he will very probably not change. We only have power over ourselves and not over other people. It is best to choose a partner who we can love as (s)he is with their positive aspects AND their flaws. I often made the mistake in the past to choose men who had great positive sides that I loved and I hoped to “fix” the sides that were not acceptable to me, but that never happened of course. Today I am looking for someone who I can love and accept as he is, that’s why it is important to identify and exclude ahead of time your personal character/behaviour no-gos…

      • Mary McAndrew in Honolulu.HI says:

        Agreed, Kristine. Let’s try this management exercise: Great guy in your life! But he doesn’t like *everything* about you, though he *loves* many things about you. So, he wants to be your spouse AND he wants to *change* you…*fix* your *bad* qualities!!

        How attractive is *that*???

        Extrapolate for example: He likes blonde hair, yours in brown. He likes big breasts, yours are not so big. He likes Frank Sinatra, you need to listen to Tool. He likes a more serious woman who is into skydiving…you giggle at everything and enjoy spelunking!!

        How successful will he be in “fixing” you??

        • Mary McAndrew in Honolulu.HI says:

          He *really* likes the way you make lasagne and scrambled eggs… He really thinks your turned up nose is cute! He loves the fact that you earn over half a million $ a year, allowing him to stay home and watch porn all day…

          keeper? or chuck in the bin?

  55. Nikki says:

    I think that one of the most important deal breakers that I have learned the hard way from is a man being controlling. Personalities can always vary, but when someone is controlling and on top of that jealous it can cause so much damage.

  56. Karma says:

    Aren’t cheating and infidelity the same thing?

    • Cathy says:

      Guys lie to women all the time, usually to prevent our volatile emotions that they’re afraid to deal with. I also tell white lies sometimes… For me the deal breakers are anger and being mean-spirited because being mean-spirited is being passive aggressively hateful and people carrying alot of anger can be dangerous both physicallly and emotionally when they project anger to their loved ones or themselves

  57. Sabrina says:

    Hey Matt,

    At first I didn’t think I had many deal breakers, but now that I think about it, I might have a few! And maybe they are all a way to keep men out, but I’m not sure. So here’s what I’m willing to let go:

    – He has to be taller then me, he can’t be much younger than me and he has to come from a similar family background as me (aka I prefer if his parents are still together like mine)

    And I’m sure there are a few others I could let go of as well. But the ONE I absolutely won’t let go of is this:

    – He can’t have a strong relationship with his ex-girlfriend(s)

    For me that screams, he’s not over her and there is a chance he could hurt me by getting back with her. Maybe I’m crazy, but that’s how I feel. And until I meet a man that can prove me wrong, I’m still holding on to it as a deal breaker.

    Thanks for listening!

  58. Andrea says:

    In the above list “drugs” is mentioned. I am not sure whether you mean illegal drugs or whether alcohol is included. Somebody from whom alcohol is important, is a deal breaker for me. Non-negotiable. I am divorced from an alcoholic, and I will never ever tolerate the mood of a drunk around me. The smell of beer makes me puke.

    I would make a compromise if I met a guy who smoked cigarettes (but not too many) if he smoked them outside the house.

    Your new topic is excellent. After I had read it I realized that in the past I used to have an unrealistically long list and that this list enabled me to keep away from men savely. :-)

    Thanks for making me think – and all the best for 2013.

  59. Bea says:

    Hi Matt,

    with my last boyfriend I removed some of my deal breakers and I think it was a good choice, except for one of them. The ones I removed were age, educational level, religion and white lies. I’m sure you know which one was the wrong one! Yeah, the white lies!

    But this guy made me add a new one: someone who often compares me with his previous girl, either for something good or bad. I can’t stand to see that I’m uncapable of getting her out of his mind

    Thanks for the post :)

  60. else says:

    I have been with someone who is negative, self-centred, unsupportive and disloyal.

    The last straw came today when I was offered no reassurance when he told me that he had been in contact with one of the girls that I know he had been sexually suggestive with on Facebook.

    I realise that my self-esteem is low, but sometimes they do have qualities that allow for some undesirable traits.

    ALL of these traits are now deal-breakers…

    I would now consider a younger partner as I’ve found older guys to be too set in their ways and not flexible enough.

    Thanks Matt

  61. Josephine says:

    One deal breaker that will stay in my life: He must have a good sense of humour! If I can’t laugh with him, and we can’t joke around with eachother, I don’t know what I’d do.
    One deal breaker I’m willing to let go: That he have to agree with me on everything. I’ve realized that I like a little resistance, and when a guy can stand up for himself and his values.

  62. pelin says:

    a dealbreaker for me would be a stingy guy.I don’t like people who don’t want to spend money and who say that don’t buy this don’t buy that.It is expensive

  63. P says:

    A deal breaker I won’t let go of: If he is infected with a contagious incurable disease: herpes, AIDS, hepatitis, etc. And if he is dong hard drugs, crack, heroin, smoking the blues, etc. It’s a big difference from a guy that smokes a little weed here and there, which I can put up with.

    I’ve relaxed on the bald issue, shaved heads are fine now. I still require my men to have handsome faces and fit bodies.

  64. Elaine says:

    Age! Since I realised that lots of younger men found me attractive and accepted it I’ve had far more confidence! I’ve now met the most amazing man ten years younger than me, I’m sixty nine, and am just enjoying living in the moment. It’s all good! How all men love a positive attitude, unthreatening banter and a wide smile!

  65. Elaine says:

    Age!!! Since I stopped thinking about me being sixty nine I’ve been amazed at the number of much younger men who are attracted to me! My smiley face seems to work whatever their age and I’ve met the most amazing man ten years younger than me! I’m just going with it and living in the moment!

  66. Sadaiaht says:

    All of the deal breakers listed at the top are just natural for me but I’m kind of drawing a blank on my own personal deal breakers… Is there something wrong with that?

  67. anna says:

    deal breaker a guy with untidy nails.

    thanks for a good post :P

  68. GVF says:

    A dealbreaker for me would definitely be smoking. Wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone, knowing the harm they were doing to themselves. Another dealbreaker would have to be someone owning a cat or dog. It’s not that I’m an animal hater or anything like that. It’s just that I don’t think it’s hygienic having pets like this around the house.

  69. Louise says:

    A deal breaker for me used to be if I wasn’t physically attracted to someone I’d write them off after date #1. With my ex though I realised that sometimes the physical attraction takes a few more dates to kick in (once I’ve got to know someone) so that is probably a deal breaker I can live without (at least until after a few dates anyway).

  70. Trace says:

    the deal breaker

    …that I currently have that I can do without: white lying

    …that I think must stay in my life: having less experience / less education than me

    …that I may ‘bend’ in order to let more men in: AGE !

    so how can we navigate these deal breakers like experts ? Matthew, looking forward to your WOW (words of wisdom).

  71. Laura says:

    Excellent list! I’ve been very open-minded in the past, believing people can change and love can cross borders of religion and race. But lately I’ve had to narrow that down, I just don’t have the energy anymore to date smokers or dirty/messy people that only add stress to my life. Neither do I want to be with sceptic or physically/verbally abusive people.
    I thought education was another deal breaker, since it does reflect a lot of other things, but recently have found myself fallen in love with someone I didn’t want to nor expect. He doesn’t have the ideal education or lifestyle, but what I failed to see, because of that, is that he is a wonderful person and honestly doesn’t have any of the important deal breakers. And he still does show some interest in new things, cultures and is very hard working.
    I feel I’ve been so blind and silly, and my message to other women is please try to keep an open mind and see the person behind, never say never unless it’s a real deal breaker that you know will hurt you later. xx

  72. v says:

    Lying lead to cheating then infidelity they are the same must stay
    Anger lead to rudeness then Mean Spirited must stay
    Lazy lead to Poor Hygiene must stay
    Drugs must stay
    Racist must stay
    your question is tricky one all of them are important if i let them go it’s Insult to myself which will lead me to poor self esteem

  73. Roya says:

    Deal breaker is smoking, can’t stand it at all

    I could overlook lazyness if I loved him enough

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hi Roya,

      I have to agree with you on the smoking. Maybe that should fall under poor hygiene? Thanks for sharing!


      • Laura says:

        Haha, poor hygiene -> smoking. You’re so funny Matt! Smoking/drug, it’s all the same to me. Also, I find a man who looks after his health really sexy and energising!

  74. Lindsey says:

    Hi there :)

    In my last relationship, one of my unalterable deal breakers ended up breaking the two of us up. Disrespect. This manifested in a number of ways: I felt that this guy was disrespectful to himself in how he was letting himself go in terms of health and his manners and as well to my friends. He thought he was coming across funny, when he really was being racist or too friendly with my friends, and rude around my family. This disrespect for the people around me translated into disrespect towards me. I feel like I made the right decision ending things back in October. It’s been a roller-coaster, however, I know in my heart and in my head that it was the right choice.

    A deal breaker that I could probably do away with is age. I think I’m coming around to the idea of dating someone a little younger than me and/or someone in a different age range than me! I’m 25, and for awhile I’ve been stuck on thinking I should date someone my age or only a few years older,…..but not in their 30’s. However, age is a number. It’s more about where you are in your life. I should work on becoming more flexible about this :)

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hi Lindsey,

      Thanks for sharing! Changing your age deal breaker is sure to open your world up to a lot more men. Share with us how it goes.


  75. Carine says:

    Honesty and openness are a crucial thing for me.

    I guess I could live with the fact that he’s not Canadian

  76. Angela says:

    Well this couldn’t have come at a better time, Last night I ended things with my BF of one year, because he yet again lied to my face.. the lies are trivial… but he does it constantly and he even swore on his nieces life and my life that he was not lying then later admitted that he was. For me this is a) childish and b) sick and I felt after having told him that any more lies and I have to walk away, that I had no other choice last night. Worst thing is he had talked about getting help for the lying and swore he’s gone six weeks with no lies.. now I don’t even know whether to believe that was true! Lying creates so much pain as you wonder what is real, and means that you cannot allow the person too close to you and so it creates this brick wall…

  77. Elle says:

    Lying is a big deal breaker for me.
    When meeting via online dating many
    post a younger age saying it is for
    searching purposes only. I’ve been
    told I should not consider that a lie
    but I do. Please give me your feedback.
    Thank you.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hi Elle,

      It does seem when it comes to age on dating sites everyone lies. Only you can determine if this is a deal breaker for you. Some people might be understanding because they’re fibbing about something too!


  78. Cynthia says:

    This is an excellent point, I see it happening all around me. We make the superficial things more important than the crucial things, and make bad relationship choices because of it.

    Thing I can’t compromise: he has to be a critical/logical thinker.

    Things I can deal with: not loving music and books as much as I do.

  79. Grace says:


    Smoking and illicit drugs will always eliminate a certain sector of the dating pool for me. I’m very happy with this. What I can let go of? Age. I’ve always been with men younger than me. Now I’ve opened up to men my age or even slightly older. This has really made a difference in my success. I’m more confident in what I offer the relationship. This is a great & sexy thing.

  80. Jolene says:

    For me I guess I have two additional non negotiable things…first is that he must be a Christian who is active in his faith and the other…someone who dreams big/is passionate about life…as for a dealbreaker I have that I could live without…I don’t think I have any unrealistic ones anymore.

  81. Jenny, 20 says:

    deal breaker: someone who thinks he is in anyway better than someone else

    i can live with: someone who hasn’t got any work aspirations (wants to be a musician, works in a bar)

  82. Nightingold says:

    My unalterable deal breaker is a negative mindset

    An old deal breaker that I can let go of is that he ist not full beard.

  83. Alice says:

    Inability to handle money realistically. Sees me as his bank to bail him out without charging him interest or the wiring fe fees. Even has used money I,ve loaned him to take out other women while I cooik for him and pick up the tabs when he has no money because of the unpredictabiLity of his sales job.

  84. Mathilda says:

    Hi matt!

    I dated a guy for 6months, we were like a couple, but we never made it official or talked about having a serious relationship. After the summer he moved to another country as an exchange student. We talked on Skype and Facebook after that. I suggested to come and visit him and he was very exited about that. We had not have the “talk” yet so before I was gonna buy the tickets I wanted to ask him if he wanted us to be exclusive. He said that it would be hard because of the distance, but says he likes me a lot, and still wants me to come visit! I said no although I really really wanted to go! 4months later he came home for Christmas and we saw eachother again (only 2 days) then he had to go back again. It made me really sad. That was the deal breaker for me! It took to much energy! I took him alway from Skype and Facebook and explained to him that I like you to much and I know you don’t want a relationship, so I need a break from you, and maybe we will meet again in summer. Was I to harsh?

  85. Ste says:

    Hi Matt! Those deal breakers are also deal breakers for me but I think most of them applies to people I let in my life, which means I wouldn’t have a racist friend, etc.

    A deal breaker that would apply specifically to a guy is that he wouldn’t be a smoker. I wouldn’t be able to stand the smell.

    A “deal breaker” that i can let go of is that he wears a cap. I usually hate guys who wear baseball caps as I think it says a lot about the personality, but I guess I can wait and see the person beyond that :)

  86. Penny says:

    I normally would have said smoking was a huge deal breaker for me and never would have given a smoker the chance, but I have met the most AMAZING man and he is a smoker. When I told him I couldn’t be around someone who smokes he immediately started the process with trying to quit – he is on medication to help and I give him as much support as I can because I appreciate the effort he is making so he can be with me!

  87. luisa longo says:

    Hi Matt
    I cant put up with a liar, a non positive view , no sense of humour ungenerous, narrow minded with power in the first row
    He has to have a good hearth and believe in God.


  88. Rumors says:

    Inteligence and goodness of spirit is something that I will always ask in a men. The rest is more or less secondary…

  89. odarya says:

    smoking would be a deal breaker for me.. and as for one im willing to bend, it would be religion.. I come for an Asian country so religion is considered an important thing.. but im willing to overlook this.. =)

  90. Erika says:

    So, a deal breaker that I will be keeping in my life has to be close minded guys and liars. And for the deal breaker I’m willing to let go.. . well i’m pretty much a very realistic girl. I’ve dated guys with kids, guys who are shorter then me, guys who don’t have a degree. So, what I’m trying to say is that my deal breakers are acceptable.

  91. Val says:

    Selfish, aggressive/violent, and manipulative are high on my list. There is simply no room in my life for anyone who thinks his needs/desires come before all others, his problem-solving method-of-choice would endanger my health and safety, or I am signing up to be the victim of a control-freak.

  92. Mendu says:

    Hey Matt!!!
    Yeah, like Mary I don’t have any detailed dealbreakers outside of the ones I just read above but I have been single for a looooooong while and sometimes wonder if I am unrealistic about what I am looking for in a man. I have a lot of guy friends though, and it seems like a LOT of women let men get away with a LOT to where chivalry and fidelity might be on their deathbed lol. I’ve always felt like men will treat women how women let them so I don’t think men are “dogs” AT ALL, but could it be true that women have lowered their standards? Or am I just extremely picky and in denial about it? Who knows but I refuse to settle for now cause I’m preeeeeetty sure my list is reasonable. Ladies please know your worth.
    P.S: Thank you so much for everything Matt! I won’t stop reading until I figure out why I’m still single!!!! Lol

  93. Princess says:

    The deal breaker that must stand, is that he is a Christian who is on fire for the things of God. I guess my desire for a certain accent is not so cruical in the grand scheme of things and could fall by the way side, along with loving cricket. The superficial things are not imperative but living by the same principles and with the same end goal is crucial.

  94. Krissy says:

    Dealbreakers: Still in love with last GF or Ex, or the idealized ghost of last GF or Ex.


  95. Audrey says:

    Well, he must be a strong Christian active in his faith.

    A smoker is a deal breaker for me.

  96. Lilly says:

    Ok, my last boyfriend had 6 of these traits. Wonderful. I am still in love with him a little, because to balance out those bad traits he was kind hearted and so sweet and sexy. I think it shows that I had low self esteem because still not over him!Help!

  97. Debanjana says:

    all the deal breakers are a must to keep.
    Although i can let go rudeness at some point…

  98. Mary says:

    Hi Mat!

    I agree with that list of deal breakers.
    I think the one thing that I just can’t put up with is close-mindedness or a negative mindset.

    I don’t have any silly unrealistic ones for you. If I think of something, I’ll get back to you! Lol.

  99. Nika says:

    My deal breaker is when i man doesn’t buy me anything for my birthday.

  100. Randa says:

    Hey there!
    I’d say that the deal breakers above are more than enough and asking for more is just a way of complicating things.

    Although I would add ONE more that I find quite important: negativity. I was with a guy not long ago and I have to say that, although I understand that we may have our down moments or we may be picky in some aspects, his pessimism was surely a major turn off for me :S.

    Otherwise I’d say that a deal breaker I had a while back was and that I’m proud to have gotten ridden of is baldness haha (I know really evil sorry! But hey, I learned my lesson when I fell in love with a bald man so all cool ;P)
    Aside from that I can’t really think of anything else.

    Thanks once more for a great post and keep up the great work! Happy 2013!

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hi Randa,

      Thanks for commenting. I have to agree with the negative deal breaker. Having that in your life is too much strain.


Read previous post:
4 Big Ideas That Will Change Your Love Life

Leave a comment telling me about a time you got rejected. What happened? Where were you? What happened? What did...