Deal breakers, the invisible fence that we put around us in dating and relationships to keep out the losers, douchebags, and crazies. Eharmony recently asked its members what were their top “must have” and “can’t stands”. The results were not too surprising: lying, cheating, and rudeness topped the list of things that women absolutely would not put up with from a man. The top ten rounds out thusly:
Top 10 Can’t Stands For Women:
1. Lying
2. Cheating
3. Rudeness
4. Infidelity
5. Anger
6. Drugs
7. Poor Hygiene
8. Mean Spirited
9. Lazy
10. Racist
I think this is a great list of deal breakers when you’re looking for your next partner. I would even call this list a given, a fixed set that apply to everyone. Where many of us run into problems is the deal breakers that we have above and beyond the above list.
Throughout my years of working with women I have heard a long list of strange, outrageous and simply unrealistic deal breakers. Everything from he must love rabbits to he must want to visit Nepal. What do unrealistic deal breakers do to your love life? The most immediate and detrimental effect is that it narrows the funnel of men that you are bringing into your life. The second thing they do is that they play matchmaker for you and they do a bad job. Deal breakers tend to scream out, “I only want to date people just like me” which is fine in theory but doesn’t account for the reality that opposites can attract and chemistry doesn’t have a checklist to make sure of what you have in common.
I think most of us could deal with taking a good look at what we consider our deal breakers and ask ourselves, are these deal breakers or a wall to keep men out?
Question of the day:
Today I have an interesting question that I want you to think about for a minute before you answer. Are there any deal breakers you currently have that you can do without?
Leave a comment and share with me:
– One deal breaker you think must stay in your life, and…
– One ‘deal breaker’ that you are willing to let go of in order to let more men in.
Can’t wait to see your answers!
P.S. The level of interaction on the last blog was humbling. I love this community we’ve created and I’m so proud of the level of support we all give each other. Help me keep it going and take it to the next level! xx
By the way I know you’re probably excited about making changes in your love life this year. If you aren’t on it already, the Man Myth programme is the perfect way to start. Feel free to learn all about it here.
(via eHarmony)
I have been with someone who is negative, self-centred, unsupportive and disloyal.
The last straw came today when I was offered no reassurance when he told me that he had been in contact with one of the girls that I know he had been sexually suggestive with on Facebook.
I realise that my self-esteem is low, but sometimes they do have qualities that allow for some undesirable traits.
ALL of these traits are now deal-breakers…
I would now consider a younger partner as I’ve found older guys to be too set in their ways and not flexible enough.
Thanks Matt
Hi Matt,
with my last boyfriend I removed some of my deal breakers and I think it was a good choice, except for one of them. The ones I removed were age, educational level, religion and white lies. I’m sure you know which one was the wrong one! Yeah, the white lies!
But this guy made me add a new one: someone who often compares me with his previous girl, either for something good or bad. I can’t stand to see that I’m uncapable of getting her out of his mind
Thanks for the post :)
In the above list “drugs” is mentioned. I am not sure whether you mean illegal drugs or whether alcohol is included. Somebody from whom alcohol is important, is a deal breaker for me. Non-negotiable. I am divorced from an alcoholic, and I will never ever tolerate the mood of a drunk around me. The smell of beer makes me puke.
I would make a compromise if I met a guy who smoked cigarettes (but not too many) if he smoked them outside the house.
Your new topic is excellent. After I had read it I realized that in the past I used to have an unrealistically long list and that this list enabled me to keep away from men savely. :-)
Thanks for making me think – and all the best for 2013.
Hey Matt,
At first I didn’t think I had many deal breakers, but now that I think about it, I might have a few! And maybe they are all a way to keep men out, but I’m not sure. So here’s what I’m willing to let go:
– He has to be taller then me, he can’t be much younger than me and he has to come from a similar family background as me (aka I prefer if his parents are still together like mine)
And I’m sure there are a few others I could let go of as well. But the ONE I absolutely won’t let go of is this:
– He can’t have a strong relationship with his ex-girlfriend(s)
For me that screams, he’s not over her and there is a chance he could hurt me by getting back with her. Maybe I’m crazy, but that’s how I feel. And until I meet a man that can prove me wrong, I’m still holding on to it as a deal breaker.
Thanks for listening!
Hi Sabrina,
Thanks for sharing!
x
Aren’t cheating and infidelity the same thing?
Guys lie to women all the time, usually to prevent our volatile emotions that they’re afraid to deal with. I also tell white lies sometimes… For me the deal breakers are anger and being mean-spirited because being mean-spirited is being passive aggressively hateful and people carrying alot of anger can be dangerous both physicallly and emotionally when they project anger to their loved ones or themselves
I think that one of the most important deal breakers that I have learned the hard way from is a man being controlling. Personalities can always vary, but when someone is controlling and on top of that jealous it can cause so much damage.
I am with someone but he keeps controlling my life and has a big ego but i want him to stay because he’s not that bad once you know him but i’m still making him change but he keeps going back… How can i make him change the bad things in him?
Hi Shania,
I believe that the only person you can change is yourself and even that only if you feel very motivated and committed to it. If your boyfriend has a big ego and is very controlling, that’s probably part of his personality structure and, unless he feels himself that this is not appropriate and respectful in a relationship and – out of his own motivation – he wants to modify this behaviour, he will very probably not change. We only have power over ourselves and not over other people. It is best to choose a partner who we can love as (s)he is with their positive aspects AND their flaws. I often made the mistake in the past to choose men who had great positive sides that I loved and I hoped to “fix” the sides that were not acceptable to me, but that never happened of course. Today I am looking for someone who I can love and accept as he is, that’s why it is important to identify and exclude ahead of time your personal character/behaviour no-gos…
Agreed, Kristine. Let’s try this management exercise: Great guy in your life! But he doesn’t like *everything* about you, though he *loves* many things about you. So, he wants to be your spouse AND he wants to *change* you…*fix* your *bad* qualities!!
How attractive is *that*???
Extrapolate for example: He likes blonde hair, yours in brown. He likes big breasts, yours are not so big. He likes Frank Sinatra, you need to listen to Tool. He likes a more serious woman who is into skydiving…you giggle at everything and enjoy spelunking!!
How successful will he be in “fixing” you??
He *really* likes the way you make lasagne and scrambled eggs… He really thinks your turned up nose is cute! He loves the fact that you earn over half a million $ a year, allowing him to stay home and watch porn all day…
keeper? or chuck in the bin?
The 10 above + one more are my deal breakers. I met a man who was very enamored of me & he seemed like great “husband material” & really wonderful. I was over the moon, except…..Has anyone ever heard of the “transitional other, the band-aid relationship or the rebound relationship?” Well, apparently, I never got the memo. My new man was going through a terrible divorce. He told me all of the terrible things she did, on & on. We married one month after his divorce was final & started a life together in another state. His adoration of me (or even paying attention to me) faded very quickly after I said, “I do”. He never unpacked his baggage w/ his last wife, or even asked himself what he had done to contribute to the downfall of their marrage. He never learned from or grew from that relationship. And guess what? Everything he didn’t work out with her, came my way (!). I was married to an angry, miserable, emotionally distant man. Looking back, he obviously just wanted a replacement wife & to move on quickly, which he did with me. I was truly blindsided by his sudden disinterest in me & blamed it on stress related to us moving, new jobs, new marraige, etc. I stayed in it for 7 years, trying to build a life with him & hopefully start a family as soon as things got better. They never did & I filed for divorce 7 years later & moved back to my home state. It was heartbreaking and, although I’ve seen a therapist & worked through the lessons I learned from that relationship, I’ve been single ever since (for the past 10 years).
So, in hindsight, my new dealbreaker is: EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY. Meaning, if he is going through a divorice, separated, not yet over his ex, wrestling w/ an addiction, or anything that makes him unable to truly love & care about me, he’s out.
To the moderator: Would you be able to take my photo off of my comment? I noticed that no one else has their real photo up and I’d feel more comfortable if mine was more anonymous.
Thank you!! :)
Hi Sabrina,
Sorry, we don’t have any control over your profile. Depending on which service you logged in with, you should be able to remove it. Hope this helps.
Thanks
Duplicity, arrogance, false promises: dealbreaker
Drugs: keep it green or legal
Alcoholism: dealkiller
Mockery of things I’m passionate about: hit the road jack!
For myself, being careful around men is a hard won lesson that allows me to adjust for very many dealbreakers and which I have mulled into a nugget for thought: this regards the *Vibe* he puts out. How I feel around the guy carries far more than what his superficial features portray.
People have stated in various formats how psychic sensations are innate to us and I feel that my abilities to sense essential motivations are my greatest “read” for people/men in my life: knowns & unknowns.
This sensitivity likely developed as a result of certain trauma. Likely also the result of an epiphany/learning experience so fully embraced that it has become the most natural thing in the world and no such label as ESP might apply because, in fact, it’s *not* extra, it’s normal.
Some of the deal breakers Matt lists are obvious to the eye: hygiene, laziness, anger, rude, mean-spirited. Others, obviously more hidden from view: cheating, lying, infidelity, drugs/cigarettes/crime, a diabetic who sneaks doughnuts/drinks sugar drinks/doesn’t exercise to save his life, porn watchers, psychopath/sociopath/narcissist, etc. (does it seem endless sometimes? =)
One can base each “fail”, listed and unlisted, in an incidental activity that a man could do. When he participates in any negative activity that lacks integrity it effects a disintegration of his auric vibe. As such, any activity, seen or unseen to you or others, effects vibratory energy to radiate from his inner self. The effects of his activities are subtly pronounced in his auric vibration, which you can sense without him saying a word.
Talking is so last eon! Women do well to culture their innate sensory capacity. No serious, practical woman who seeks higher level companionship would abandon this vitally important coupling indicator and hope to luck out with success.
I find it pretty funny that porn watchers are a deal breaker for you. Every man I have ever known has watched porn, either online or in magazines.
I’m not bothered that you are amused to think that porny guys are a deal breaker for me. I’ve been married twice and I know what I like in a man. I like a guy who is focusing his partnering energy on me and I only need one, mind you, so if the rest of the men on the planet are into porn, that’s ok, because it makes it easy to cull them from the candidate list.
Let’s be clear: if all the guys you know or have ever known are “into porn”, then none of the guys you know would qualify to partner with me, no matter about anything else. The quality of the men in your world is very low, in my estimation.
To me, participating in porn as a viewer/collector tells me that the man is 1)immature 2)misogynistic 3)has fidelity issues 4)lacks real activities that are productive and life-affirming 5) is not the kind of ignorant person I care to spend any time with. I work with many, many men from around the country and around the world. Very few of them are “into porn”!!
The very few that are “into porn” are rude to and about women, have few, if any, female friends, are sexist in the main, tend towards rather negative, downward spiral behavior which eventually bites them in the fat okole, and always end up regretting the precious time they wasted being focused on pointless little images as mental drugs to spike their dopamine addiction. As they realize that they’ve been co-opted by powerful entities which have essentially robbed them of their maturity and freedom from enslavement, not to mention their money (in cash or time wasted), they look like fools and the insecurity that is layered on to what they already have is just so tragic…
As I say, what’s done behind closed doors affects a man’s vibratory field. If he is into lame pursuits that act as a drug (which is what porn viewing actually does), then he forgoes spending his precious lifetime moments in things that empower him when he emerges back into the world. This auric vibration is what I tune into, as well as listening to him and watching to see his motivations. If he seems like a daft prat porn goggleboxer, then he’s chucked into the *no chance in h3ll bin*…that is, if he had any other qualities that might have attracted me in the first place.
I worked with over a hundred men yesterday, some familiar friends and some unknowns. I would say the vast majority of them are not involved in porn viewing. The few that are reveal obvious interpersonal deficiencies, even if only interacting with other men. When they interact with me, their aura is darkened grey, weak, bitter, and they lack true joy from within. It’s sad to see them like that but they feel that watching porn is something that “everyone does”, so they excuse their pointless behavior as “normal”.
To more innately sensitive men and women, they appear idiotic. Yes, we laugh at them, not with them. But they are free to choose idiotic behavior… And it shows as a lack of fundamental capacity to interact with others.
So, because I could never waste my time with someone who has a funky aura or is a misogynist, I use the porn-watching dealbreaker as a Q&D litmus test to screen out the non-candidate. I have quite a few dealbreaker/litmus tests to begin with, not to mention height, weight, hair color, the way he smells, and if he has other parity with me, so if he’s into porn, it just makes it easy to chuck him in the *no chance* bin.
Definite dealbreaker would have to be greed.
and okay…..I’m willing to be more open to guys who don’t have David Beckham’s body..ahhh what a challenge haha.
Hi Mercedes,
Love it! Thanks for commenting. x
One deal breaker that must stay would probably be confidence. I truly believe that if a man believe in himself and know what he wants, it affects the quality of the relationship. My friend dated a guy who wasn’t sure of his studies, his future and most importantly, of himself. He constantly seek assurance from my friend. When my friend’s father opposed, all he did was whine to us and pull his “I-give-up” line on my friend. So their relationship flickers on and off for years. Maybe it was because we were younger (18 years old) then, but its still terrible.
I can probably bend a little more when it comes to appearance and religion. A good man isn’t always taller than me and there can only be one Jensen Ackles XD As long as he change into clean clothes and keep his hair and nails short enough. I don’t see myself converting, but I can probably relax abit on religion tolerate our differences.
Deal breakers for me would be Selfishness.(once dated a guy who thinks of himself alone) stinginess, Poor-hygiene,Low sense of humour, drunkenness,arrogance,infidelity,
A huge deal breaker for me would be that the guy doesn’t have the same religion as me. If we don’t agree on that one thing, then how can we agree on anything?
A deal breaker that I would be willing to let go of is wearing tube socks with sandals.
Hi Matt,
My deal breaker: indecisiveness. My man need to have the gut to move things.
Another one is bad kiss. I cannot tolerate bad kissers!
A deal breaker i can tolerate is baldness. Guys can be sexy even without hair :).
I think this was gonna be about liars however I did like it. I do feel a lot of people I come in contact with have insanely high expectations and need to realize you can’t expect perfection otherwise you have absolutely NO chance of ever meeting someone. With each failed relationship I try to step back and seriously ask myself what is it that I don’t like about that relationship and if I am being realistic. In the end it boils down to the fact that he doesn’t add to my value. Not that he’s a bad guy just not on the same page. I also have a story about a guy who was so desperate to find a girl he was willing to look over the fact that she sent him a picture of herself 30 lbs lighter then she actually is. Personally I thought it was hilarious that someone would even question whether or not they should pursue a relationship with a person who isn’t honest about what they look like. Moral of the story don’t date liars
The one thing I hate the most is selfishness. A guy can be so sweet and sincere but if he ignores me or treats me differently whenever he is busy or has problems at work it is a complete turnoff. As a woman, I don’t want to feel like I’m undesired or unimportant. This issue is most common with intelligent and sincere guys who are perfectionists; they get frustrated easily and tend to not notice when they suddenly treat a girl differently or just flat out stop talking to her.
Smoking, negative, self center, can’t take well care of himself and complain about every things are deal breakers for me. I want to be with someone who can make me a better woman, not dragging me down.
I think I may can tolerate age-differences because younger men or way older men tend to like me more….sad…but true
i used to always say smoking was a deal breaker, but for one guy in particular i would be willing to let that go as he is a great guy aside from the habit. i would not bend on drug use though and getting drunk ( casual social drinking is fine) , a def deal breaker for me .