In this week’s video, I’m about to show you a huge mistake 99% of people make in dating.
Make sure you don’t fall into this common trap…
The Dumbest Dating Mistake Everyone Makes…
- Other, Relationship & Dating Blog | Matthew Hussey
- Published date:
- Other, Relationship & Dating Blog | Matthew Hussey
- Published date:
This was SO helpful. i’ve been doing this for too many years with someone. It’s like I was playing a game, but I come out the loser every time. Thank you so much for explaining this behavior so well.
Good insight. However, I’m wondering what you mean by being ruthless in our actions??
Probably not seeing him again, not texting, no contact at all.
I love you Matthew Hussey..you say the exact right thing at the exact right time..you e helped me so much in the last year…much ❤️ Xx
Great advice, Matthew! Thank you!!!!
Such great advice! & So true…. ;) Love the videos…Keep them coming Matthew…Hugs! ;) <3
Sadly, none of these will work in the “situation” I have w/the guy I’m crushing on…all good points, just won’t work for me.
Why not?
Oh Mathew I’m blowing you a kiss from my country Nigeria. Best dating advice of the year. Point blank realistic teaching. You are going places you know. Thank you for this teaching.
Hi! Can you guve me an example of being ruthless in my actions and kind in my tone.
Love your advice in this video. Psychologically speaking you are spot on. The laughter from the audience is accurate. It’s funny because it’s true.
There is immense power in one’s actions.
spot on again
What you said is kind of true. I started to date this guy , he said something that passed me off and I ended it. But I don’t see he even realized what he said. I see that now. It was a great point you made. It made me feel good to see the guy side. Made sense . and now I’m seeing him again . and I really do like him. I wanted him to be under my control not the other way around. I see the mistake I made . and I won’t make it again . funny I sent it? Mmm
Matthew, This is dead on!!!!!
I absolutely love this video, my favorite by far!!!!
Hahaha… You think you know us so well, Matthew! I even went back and checked my comment on last week’s video. lol
I like the message of this video. Reminds me of something I heard on a podcast recently that said that success is less about acquisition of knowledge, and more about the application of wisdom.
I am the one who used to be angry at my -now ex- boyfriend. Telling him “hey are you that lazy?” And still going to his place. No more, I started to stay at home even when he was trying to take me to his place, even when he got me free food. No! I wanted to spend my Sunday in my house that I cleaned in the morning or Saturday evening, not in his sty the place I had to clean, giving me a double weekend work. I used to be kind with that guy who left me down Friday night because he was lazy or worse, used go to a Dungeons and Dragons night WITHOUT ME! He doesn’t have any power over me and I feel so much better.
Hi Matt,
Can you elaborate on ‘being ruthless in one’s actions’?
What exactly do you mean by this and can you give some examples?
Yes Matthew,
This is a bit long, apologies ahead of time.
I was one of the people making the same point. I watched your video as well on responding calmly, and let actions speak for us.
(just an FYI, examples on those actions would have brought the discussion full circle.)
We needn’t, of course, be rude to a flake, though they are usually dimwitted enough NOT to catch on to “actions”, ergo their continued disservice to those they date. As with children, only prolonged absence – when and only when they are continued in their seeking of attention from us – would be noticed. Short term, most men would simply go to the next woman in the rotation.
Simply ignoring or avoiding them also makes us look “in the wrong” and “petty” to some men, and trust me… their mouths talk to everyone, in order to promote their own self perceptions and bolster their ego before word gets out that THEY have done something distasteful. Granted, only a percentage of men are this bad… but just how many “got busy” excuses must we weed through?
Adding “smiley emoji” to soften the bluntness….weakens us. I may soften the hit to their pride… then again, WHYYYYY exactly are we wanting to safe them a hit of reality? Their actions did not spare us… and having not been called out, they are apt to repeat their behavior.
Men behaving badly + women told to take a “strong but submissive stance / show those standards” = Men behaving badly, and women not being true to themselves as human people not gender defined or prorated in respectful treatment. (yes, I am aware of the redundant statement, it was there for affect.)
Why must we weaken our position or standard just to seem non-threatening to someone who is disrespecting us? Think about that question please, for a moment. Telling us to “act feminine” is by all standards in every social context telling us to act weak to appeal to the ego of a male with no respect for our time or persona in the first place. Femininity is grace under fire, and it is animal and raw and protective. The feminine of the wild protect their young. They compete for choice genetic male genes; they survive thousands of years of beating, abuse, and oppression. The wiles we use to attract mates are historically more about advantage** and survival…not about lifetime bond. That is true womanhood at it’s carnal and raw form.
Sure, sure… there are truly helpless women, nurtured that way. Women who assume to inferior role willingly, those who are in it but never challenged it, and those who use it as cover while manipulating (Melania Trump) their providers (see **), and those who assume the position of being the completing 2/5ths to the man’s 3/5ths, as her religion told her that is her definition and role and sin from Eve (because men couldn’t own their own shit, apparently) and must be contrite for their god to accept them as worthy; strength through suffering. Should we get them a cat-o-nine-tails and teach them self flagellation to complete the martyr look? It’s been the in look since men made religion to control and oppress. (see, I softened the smart-ass overtone with the desired emoji… but, that is also insulting your intelligence as I take you to be someone who is ever-increasing his knowledge and sees trite attempts to soften an intended hone as beneath you, am I correct?….ergo my point….smiley faces when TRULY playing and flirtatious are a good thing. When we are setting standards,,,,they are not a good thing.)
Telling women to think less than powerfully is contributing to the issue and battle of the sexes. My femininity in my composure, my manner of movement, my coy look precisely timed, the pucker of my lips intended for increased attraction, the wiggle/slide in my walk that sways in tempo to his pulse as I walk away…. it is NOT however, a diminution of my equality of mind, stature, or ability to let a male know he acted in a manner that is beneath the standard of egalitarian respect.
Would you tell Jamison to be weak with interactions with his boss (you), his doctor, his tax agent, or another man? No, you would not. Of course, directness is not rude, terseness is not being curt. Though we can definitely be curt when terse, and terse when curt.
” Type A” (or any other) is not gender defined. The genders do not have a role card applicable to each personality type that says how one must behave according to our genitals or socially allowable behavior. That would be telling a woman she could be strong, but not stronger than a man… or must be weaker than a weak man.
The Type A is of the same chemical/naturant/nurturant makeup on either plane. Type A are not loud and overbearing to hold their leadership. We gladly allow a fool to fail while we continue moving forward. A fool is not necessary, and is only a problem when their ineptness interferes with our forward progression (Trump, in total, for instance.)
And we will either assert or ignore depending on cost of execution, value of response, and if it weighs in our desired targeted outcome. As an INTJ Type A with my artistic, intuitive, sensitive, and leadership skills developed (finally, after years of trying to fight who I am with the expectations of women by the institutionalized standard); I find it logically imperative to evolution and survival to NOT diminish our presence, tolerance, or voice as women if we are to be valued as equal to men and change the dictum of male institutionalized marginalizing practices within society.
That is important to think about… men love the idea of sorceresses, Amazons, Queens and Heroines of Marvel and DC Comics, and history. All strong, alluring notice I did not say sexy, as in comics the figure is drawn for the reader – the uniform is both aesthetic and functional to the wearer and counterpart within the character’s universe …and are vocally powerful, demanding in standard, yet caring, nurturant, protective…and increasingly EQUAL, and in some cases dominant to their male counterparts.
If the offending party who stood us up, blew us off, doesn’t call back, ghosts and materializes has a pattern, I believe it is in the best interest of both parties for her to succinctly call him out, and then dismiss him. And to raise our own sons and daughters to the same standard if we are ever to end institutionalized misogyny and inequality. We can not love what we do not value. We can only possess, covet, and not want others to take it from us if we have an artificial sense of importance and value. Ownership is not partnership. Religion teaches ownership. Women were legally told in the lawbooks that they subsumed their identity to that of their husband…lost property rights(1)….couldn’t vote since he owned her. We were held to the same level of rights and freedom as slaves in the Jim Crow era (2). That is also a religious thing that women were “given away” to the groom, and she was “unveiled” at the alter and then she was “given” the man’s name (3)(4). Where was SHE in all of this? In other cultures, women keep their maternal name.
See where I am coming from with this?
Eventually our stander-upper will “hear/see” what he behaves like if more women were less “lady like”, less “passive”, less “doormat by all appearances to the guy because she did NOT stand up for herself – he acted aggressively in his behavior… yes, disregard IS a blatant and aggressive behaviour, Just because one does not sit and plan out the act does not make it less blatant or intentional. We claim to be thinking people, right?
Further telling women to subsume their voice and power perpetuates the cycle of men …telling women….what to think.
(1) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coverture
(2) https://www.gilderlehrman.org/history-by-era/womens-history/essays/legal-status-women-1776%E2%80%931830
(3) Marital rape was only made illegal in all 50 states as late as 1993.
(4) https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/mar/07/women-stop-changing-your-name-when-married
To illustrate direct and equal male language, allow me a recent happening to show my case:
He: from Nigeria. Men their do not fondle women they respect. Hands on to all others. Living here since 2008. Served in the military.
Met online. Good conversation. Asked me out.
Discovered he meant “to his place”. I said simply, “That’s not an option.”
He tried again, I said, “No. Have a good week.”
He asked me again, though to a movie.
Night of movie, on the way (separate cars), he enlightens me that he hopes to win me over (fair enough. Good luck with that.) and kiss me (NOT happening, especially since it’s a goal), and we are apparently going Dutch. (What. The. Fuck.)
As a critic, I went anyway. Though I pointed out, “oh, this is a size me up move. Okay, well, perhaps you are new to dating because if it is solely to size up my worthiness of time or monetary investment that it takes to get me to bed, then you are overspending. Typically the low-cost avenue of coffee at Starbucks is the quick size-her-up option. Or the even cheaper walk in the park.”
He responds, “We can still do that, if you want.”
Me, “Have a great night. I am already at the theater and am going to watch the movie. I need to see it anyway.”
He shows up, eats my popcorn. Tries to touch me constantly. Talks throughout the movie until I give the side eye.
Afterward, walking out of the building attempts to wrap his arms about my shoulders and slip a feel in. I studied close combat for movie roles, he did not….despite being in the military. And I threw him off with a duck and shoulder roll. Nothing dramatic, little more than what women do all the time.
He insists on walking me to my car. Then tries to push against me. Freshly done nails into the sternum pushed him off and I left.
He contacts me again, “How are you, would you like to go out again?”
My response, ” I want to tell you something, and I just want you to listen. You blew me off, then asked me to come to your place which is arrogant of you to think I want to be alone with you like a fly in the web. How little you must think of my intelligence or memory of other men with the same line. You got another chance, then illuminated it to be DUTCH as to be able to size me up without investment. How entitled of you. And where do you come from where it is okay to touch a woman you do not know? Where would you have stopped if I had not stopped you?”
He responded, “I am sorry. You are right.”
then hours later ” I really am sorry. I don’t deserve another chance to make it up to you. I do like you. If you find it okay to you, I would like to make it up to you.”
Whether he meant it or not, I don’t care. But, I was not rude, though my words grew in meaning purpose when he did not react to subtlety.
Putting off someone’s bad behavior with coyness will get more bad behavior.
Other than this point… love all you have to say.
Your Fan,
Ci
Ci,
I think a lot of Matt’s fans will be slightly put off by your reply. Imo, it could use a bit of editing for length. Other than that I was really pleased to read your perspective. Then saw your type (infj here) and had to laugh, as I was engaged to a Nigerian long ago. Long story short, hope you ignored his apologies and never saw him again. And thanks again for sharing your perfectly valid POV, regardless of its popularity. Best ~
I haven’t watched the video yet but your email made want to write first, watch later.
No guy should have to chase a women and no women should have to chase a guy. The sweet and salty response is perfect. Who doesn’t like a mix?! You can’t forget your sweet side ever, in any situation. You have to stay classy.. stay humble. Just face the fact head on that it wasn’t meant to be, pick yourself up and continue to smile moving on…
That lovely old quote of ‘use your smile to change the world. Don’t let the world change your smile’ springs to mind
Oh snap! There it is! You’ve just summed it all up so simply and perfectly! Tone vs. Actions – of course! Brilliant! Thank you.
Matthew this is BRILLIANT!
Though I am not really into the dating scene just yet – 2 years out of a horrid marriage.
But your ‘kind/sweet tone + ruthless actions/standards’ is IMHO the DEFINTION of assertiveness.
I’m not giving you the pleasure/time of day to upset my emotions/tone (or at least I’m not letting you see it no matter what the reality is!) but I’ll be damned if I’ll let it slide.
Your bliss point is cheeky assertiveness personified, and I think it’s applicable in ALL interpersonal relationships – not just new/dating ones!
Great work!
Wow, I think Matthew is turning into a God…
Always good stuff.
Thank you.
Maria!! You better now be ruthless in your actions with Matthew! Don’t you loose your bliss point sister