Does He Love Me? What You Need To Know About Men
It’s the old playground story.
You sit picking daisies, tearing away each petal and repeating the words, “he loves me…he loves me not…he loves me”.
Except now you’re not eight years old. You’re a grown adult in a relationship and still wondering when he’s going to express how he really feels.
It’s the “I love you” moment that comes in every relationship. He calls you his girlfriend. You spend all your time together. You’re always thinking about each other and you constantly can’t wait to tear one another’s clothes off. You’ve met each other’s families. It’s clear this is for real.
You know your heart belongs to him now.
But does he feel the same?
This is the question that plagues so many women.
Lesson 1: You cannot force him to say the magic words
Everyone works on different timelines.
If you rush a guy to say “I love you”, you’ll get one of two results.
(1) He’ll say it back and not really mean it
(2) He’ll get worried about moving the relationship forward
Both of these are enormously counter-productive and show the folly of trying to force someone to express love when they’re not ready.
Now, just because a guy doesn’t say he loves you does not mean that he doesn’t want a stronger commitment with you. Some guys are happy to use the “L” word after a month, some after 6 months, and some after longer than that.
While I’m not one who by any mean advocates waiting around forever, you need a sober view of the fact that not all guys are the same about how freely they say “I love you”.
Some men will say it with no thought whatsoever and still dump you a month afterwards, whilst guys who take a bit longer to get there can still be the most incredible boyfriends who prefer to wait until they are certain before they use the word “love”.
Which brings us to lesson 2:
Lesson 2: You don’t need to sit wondering “does he love me?” – just look at what he does
I’m not going to lie. What a guy says can mean a lot.
A guy saying “I love you” has a powerful significance for him. It means he wants you to know just how strong his feelings are. He is taking a risk and attempting to let you know that he’s serious and doesn’t want to be with anyone else.
Words are still just words.
If you over-value them, you can end up convincing yourself a man is perfect because he says all the right things, even if he shows no real signs of investment and doesn’t nurture the more important parts of the relationship.
The guys you really want to keep around are those who:
(1) Talk about having a future with you (saying “I love you” is only one way he might do this)
(2) Go out of their way to take care of your needs
(3) Attempt to solve problems and grow with you
(4) Show passion and loyalty
(5) Keep making an effort to surprise you and make you happy
Take time to reflect on these and see if they apply to your relationship. They will tell you much more than a few words out of his mouth, however important those words are.
Lesson 3: Just because he loves you, doesn’t mean he’s perfect for you
What if he does actually just come out and say it: “I love you”.
Ok, but slow down a second. It doesn’t mean everything is perfect, or that you can’t have grievances and things you need to work on as a couple.
What’s more, don’t mistake a guy saying “I love you” for meaning that he must be “The One” and instantly start imagining nothing will ever go wrong again.
A lasting relationship takes more than sweet phrases.
Everything needs time. It may have already taken you both 6 months to get to the stage of professing love. But it could still take much longer for him to be ready for real commitment in the form of marriage or moving in together.
Take each step as it comes, and don’t rush.
Just because the words have been spoken, doesn’t automatically mean he’s going to start proposing anytime soon.
Lesson 4: You can encourage, but never force!
I’m a big believer in influence, rather than control.
We cannot control what other people do. All that is in our power is who we choose to be with, and how we choose to be around them to influence their behaviour.
What you can do is have an honest conversation with a guy, sit down, and talk about your feelings. If you give him enough space and make him feel assured, he may just come out with an “I love you”. But he needs to feel it’s ok. That’s where your behaviour can make him feel at ease, so that he doesn’t live every day under enormous pressure that things are going to become super-intense as soon as he spills his feelings for you.
Remember, this is a very personal topic, and not one of those things where there are hard-and-fast rules.
The only things you have to consider are:
- Does he show the kind of love I need from a man? (much more important than the words themselves).
- Does he openly discuss having a future together and show signs of wanting to move things forward?
- Am I behaving in a way that makes him feel safe and comfortable expressing his feelings? Am I expressing my honest feelings too?
If your answer is yes to these questions, then you’re on the right path, and you can rest easy that the words will come as soon as he feels ready.
Follow these lessons, and you won’t have live in the agonizing worry of constantly asking yourself “does he love me?” because you’ll feel comfortable and secure in the relationship anyway.
Confused about what makes a guy actually fall in love with you in the first place? Learn these 4 simple phrases that explain what melts his heart.