It’s the old playground story.
You sit picking daisies, tearing away each petal and repeating the words, “he loves me…he loves me not…he loves me”.
Except now you’re not eight years old. You’re a grown adult in a relationship and still wondering when he’s going to express how he really feels.
It’s the “I love you” moment that comes in every relationship. He calls you his girlfriend. You spend all your time together. You’re always thinking about each other and you constantly can’t wait to tear one another’s clothes off. You’ve met each other’s families. It’s clear this is for real.
You know your heart belongs to him now.
But does he feel the same?
This is the question that plagues so many women.
Lesson 1: You cannot force him to say the magic words
Everyone works on different timelines.
If you rush a guy to say “I love you”, you’ll get one of two results.
(1) He’ll say it back and not really mean it
(2) He’ll get worried about moving the relationship forward
Both of these are enormously counter-productive and show the folly of trying to force someone to express love when they’re not ready.
Now, just because a guy doesn’t say he loves you does not mean that he doesn’t want a stronger commitment with you. Some guys are happy to use the “L” word after a month, some after 6 months, and some after longer than that.
While I’m not one who by any mean advocates waiting around forever, you need a sober view of the fact that not all guys are the same about how freely they say “I love you”.
Some men will say it with no thought whatsoever and still dump you a month afterwards, whilst guys who take a bit longer to get there can still be the most incredible boyfriends who prefer to wait until they are certain before they use the word “love”.
Which brings us to lesson 2:
Lesson 2: You don’t need to sit wondering “does he love me?” – just look at what he does
I’m not going to lie. What a guy says can mean a lot.
A guy saying “I love you” has a powerful significance for him. It means he wants you to know just how strong his feelings are. He is taking a risk and attempting to let you know that he’s serious and doesn’t want to be with anyone else.
Words are still just words.
If you over-value them, you can end up convincing yourself a man is perfect because he says all the right things, even if he shows no real signs of investment and doesn’t nurture the more important parts of the relationship.
The guys you really want to keep around are those who:
(1) Talk about having a future with you (saying “I love you” is only one way he might do this)
(2) Go out of their way to take care of your needs
(3) Attempt to solve problems and grow with you
(4) Show passion and loyalty
(5) Keep making an effort to surprise you and make you happy
Take time to reflect on these and see if they apply to your relationship. They will tell you much more than a few words out of his mouth, however important those words are.
Lesson 3: Just because he loves you, doesn’t mean he’s perfect for you
What if he does actually just come out and say it: “I love you”.
Ok, but slow down a second. It doesn’t mean everything is perfect, or that you can’t have grievances and things you need to work on as a couple.
What’s more, don’t mistake a guy saying “I love you” for meaning that he must be “The One” and instantly start imagining nothing will ever go wrong again.
A lasting relationship takes more than sweet phrases.
Everything needs time. It may have already taken you both 6 months to get to the stage of professing love. But it could still take much longer for him to be ready for real commitment in the form of marriage or moving in together.
Take each step as it comes, and don’t rush.
Just because the words have been spoken, doesn’t automatically mean he’s going to start proposing anytime soon.
Lesson 4: You can encourage, but never force!
I’m a big believer in influence, rather than control.
We cannot control what other people do. All that is in our power is who we choose to be with, and how we choose to be around them to influence their behaviour.
What you can do is have an honest conversation with a guy, sit down, and talk about your feelings. If you give him enough space and make him feel assured, he may just come out with an “I love you”. But he needs to feel it’s ok. That’s where your behaviour can make him feel at ease, so that he doesn’t live every day under enormous pressure that things are going to become super-intense as soon as he spills his feelings for you.
Remember, this is a very personal topic, and not one of those things where there are hard-and-fast rules.
The only things you have to consider are:
- Does he show the kind of love I need from a man? (much more important than the words themselves).
- Does he openly discuss having a future together and show signs of wanting to move things forward?
- Am I behaving in a way that makes him feel safe and comfortable expressing his feelings? Am I expressing my honest feelings too?
If your answer is yes to these questions, then you’re on the right path, and you can rest easy that the words will come as soon as he feels ready.
Follow these lessons, and you won’t have live in the agonizing worry of constantly asking yourself “does he love me?” because you’ll feel comfortable and secure in the relationship anyway.
Confused about what makes a guy actually fall in love with you in the first place? Learn these 4 simple phrases that explain what melts his heart.
26 Replies to “Does He Love Me? What You Need To Know About Men”
This was so poignant for me right now. Thank you I love your thought that a man taking longer to say I ❤️ You may be a good thing. Also, his actions are so much more important, even if he can say the words. Home run, Hussey.
Thanks Lindsey! :)
Hi, I really need some advice!
I’ve been intimate with this guy on and off for the past year or so. Over the past months I feel like we’ve taken our ”relationship” to a higher level, so to speak. We’re not only friends with benefits but he’s my best friend as well. Nether of us wanted a relationship when we started off, and he still doesn’t. He told me that I would be a great girlfriend, based on the facts, but that he doesn’t have feelings for me. Me on the other hand, I think I’m falling for him. I’m not in love, I’ve just realized that he meets my standards, and I’ve never met anyone before who does that. I know he’s satisfied with what we have, and so am I because what we have is amazing. But sometimes i feel like it would be even better if we would commit to a relationship. Is there any way I can get him to change his mind without losing what we have?
Reads as though you’d both be settling for something that’s fine but far from perfect. Neither of you loves the other.
Why would he want to change things anyway, when he is getting all he wants now?
You could try cooling it and maybe he’ll realise he misses things and value you more. Or he’ll decide he can manage without you.
Possibly better either way than drifting on as you are for – how long? (possibly until he meets Ms Right and proposes to her after five minutes).
If you only ‘think’ you are falling for him, it suggests it’s not him but the idea of ‘real’ relationship you are dreaming of.
Thank you for your reply, it’s always nice to hear someone else’s point of view. I haven’t told my friends about this guy yet because I know how it might look like from an outside perspective. Your suggestion that I’m falling for the idea of a relationship makes total sense! And I did actually take a step back just to se how he would react, and by looking at his reaction I figured I could se how high he values me and in what way. As you may have guessed we stayed “just friends” (nothing sexual happened) for a while, 3 months maybe. And now we’re back on track again, this time we’ve taken it a step further.
Hey lovely. Sounds to me like this is becoming a little one-sided even if it started out with both of you wanting the same thing. What really struck me though is the fact that you said that he meets all your standards. I’d like to challenge that: are you sure? He might be meeting almost all of your standards – that is all BUT ONE: the fact that he has to adore YOU and see you as the desirable, awesome woman you are. Don’t you want to have someone who recognises you for all that? I also found a quote of Matt’s on exactly this topic: “Remember always, the right person is the person that chooses you, not just the person that has all the great qualities that you like.” So maybe THAT should be your standard towards him (and, in fact, towards every guy).
When you tell him (in a non-judgemental way making it about YOUR needs and not on what he’s doing wrong) that you need more commitment from a man you’re going to be this intimate with, he might very well not like that, BUT he will most probably respect you for asserting your standard and then either change his behaviour to fit your needs or break the whole thing off because he can’t – or won’t – give you what you need. But although it might hurt like a b*tch at first, that’s good news too because then you’re free to find someone who does meet your needs. Which brings me to the next point: go out and meet more guys in order to make you realise that there are more great guys out there who are just as amazing people AND are prepared to meet your needs.
(BTW, if he reacts badly to your asserting your standards, that’s a huge red flag!)
Sorry for the long post … I hope it helps you in some way!
Thank you for taking your time, I really appreciate it. I see what you mean but I wouldn’t call it one sided since he values and invests just as much as me (if not more) in our friendship. However, it may be a bit unbalanced because we do see this relationship different from each other.
You’re absolutely right about him not meeting all my standards when it comes to starting a ”real” relationship, obviously he would have to want me in all those ways, that’s kind of the point of my question;).
And he wouldn’t react badly if I told him that I wanted more, we talk about stuff like that all the time. But I’m not even sure if a relationship is what I’m looking for. Side note: He has always respected me and my choices. Xx
I had everything I wanted in my life. A generous and caring and loving family and a great job after years of hard study and work and then I met and fell in love with my exhusband. But he changed as soon as we married. He was selfish and harsh and lacked empathy and yet could be
Kind of he chose to be and was erratic and
Chaotic in how he treated me, but he would calm down and then every three months he would do something really hurtful. I do not know why reacted to everything and it was like anything and everything pushed his buttons and as long as I kept him safe and protected he was fine. But it’s hard to realise now in hindsight that he was just a battered child in an adult body as I did not know this or understand what it meant until I had left him and walked away as love was just not Enough. It has taken me all this time to realise he was just acting out all the time. I knew nothing about psychology but have taught myself as much as I could by reading and I have had therapy to cope with the trauma of my marriage and more then that my divorce as I was traumatically bonded with him. But I cannot seem to get over him although I left him
Over 22 years ago and he has remarried and has two children and I cannot find anyone who loves me or that I feel will be there for me the way he was without the abuse. I know I need to forget him but I wish I had never left him. I know totally stupid. Don’t know what to do! Any help or tips Would be gratefully received. K
Dear Kalvinder, please check Melanie Tonia Evans website, read her blog, this will help you. You suffered trauma and there is a way to heal from this trauma. Check her website, you can find help.
Hi Matt, as I’m lying in bed next to my sleeping man, it’s great to read your advice again. I don’t read it because anythings wrong. On the contrary. I’ve did your course just over 3 years ago, did everything you said (however hard it was & sometimes it was) and met my boo. He valued me & 3 years later I know he loves me. He doesn’t say it often, and it took him way longer than me to say it. But I followed your advice, I stayed high value, and one evening it popped right out. So why do I still read your advice? Because I don’t want to become complacent. And popping by every once in a while reminds me who I am, what I’m worth and how to keep both my man & I happy. We’ve been together 3 years and we’re better everyday. Thank you.
That’s so wonderful Sunny, I’m truly touched by hearing your story. Thanks for sharing it. So pleased to hear you’ve stuck with us this long – just hope more women read your comment!
Love it! Especially no. 2 – this is so liberating!! Thanks Stephen. :)
However may I help you correct a typo. Could you change the word daffodil to daisy.
You can’t pick petals off daffodils. We pick petals off daisies, as you show in the picture.
( Or do you pick daffodil petals intentionally to offend your Welsh cousins, lol )
Sorry to be nit picky and sound like a jerk but I like your posts and friendly advise, and I thought you would like to know of this friendly feedback.
Lol thanks Abby, will edit now!
Would be very happy to have private chat with Mathew Hussey due to asking some advice how to do better in relationship and to make sure if my thoughts about his true love to me is right as at the moment I stuck and don’t know what to do.
hi. go on Matt’s facebook. he sometimes has QnS post on his page.you can ask him there.
Hi I’m Hana, and this is my story with my husband, he always said he loves me but he got so many girlfriend and flirt around with a different kind of woman, what is this mean? Is this mean he is really a woman nicer man or just not contented with our marriage and still happy to play around?? I need a very good advise with my story as I am having very bad stress because of my marriage situation , I didint know if still worth it to continue with my marriage. But Im confused to decide because we have a 2 years old daughter, please kindly advise me! Thank you so much
I Mathhew. I’ve been reading your texts and watching your video for a while. I’m from Brazil, so this is the closest that I can get to you. And I’ve been through a complicated situation. We broke up about 1 month ago, but we still in touch and very coneccted, he says he likes me but that he is to confuse and depressive now. So he says he needs space. I can’t help him because he wants me not to be around and i can’t tell if he loves me. And I don’t know what to do. Should I wait for him? Should I keep distance?
I’ve been helping me so much, even we being miles apart!
Sorry for ma bad english!
Hi Matt. I am trying to find a video which you talk about my issue, but still searching. I have dated so many people since you say it’s better to stay home and wait for the right one. Matt after listening to your advice I get better at dating, but I still can’t ask a guy to be my boyfriend, They wanna be with me, spend time with me, spoil me, make me happy, listen to me… all of them. but not be in a relationship with me. They say we don’t have time, or we are not sure. Matt how do they can treat me as a girlfriend, but when i ask them to be my boyfriend they say no to me?! because of that, I say sorry i can’t have sex with you because I’m not sure if you wanna stay for me. I don’t like to sex with a guy who wants to play around. I’m not sure about having sex with them, they are not sure if I’m the right one. Obviously sex may can smooth our connection but I still don’t know what exactly I should do.
I moved in with my ex after just 3 weeks, everything just fit and knitted together so easy with no pressure, we were so in love so happy and got a puppy and made plans for the future. Around 12 months mark something changed it went from the most amazing realationship to just distance. Like two people living under the same roof bot communicating. I kept leaving hoping things would change and even did the no contact for 7 weeks. The no contact made him more distant but then slowly we got back on tract until lately he lost interest in me and choses friends over me, does not look at me that way anymore. I have my own hobbies horses i go out with friends go boxing i have my own business i am not to bad looking really lol. What i dont understand is what could of changed and has spitting up to much ruined the no contact period as we always go back to each other :(
Forgot to add
We have lived together at his house for 19 months. Its been 1 week since i left him and it was only 3 weeks ago we got back together after the 7 week no contact so for him to lose interest again so quick is not right. All i can think is
1 he doesnt love me anymore and its habbit or easier to get back with me
2 he knows i will go back if he contacts me after he leaves me to chill for afew weeks and i lose respect for goung back.
I am stubborn to and never contact first but if the 4 weeks have passed then i do reply only then.
My man just told me during the week is not good for us to spend time together. My response was I’m not a one day a week woman. He said what are you going to do about it? I didn’t respond, I was speechless . We have been dating 13 months ,
What should I do ?
He comes around me almost everyday at work and try to say hi, hello, how am I doing? How’s my day and he’s so polite to me. I was wondering why I’m the only one in my Dept that he comes and do that? Does he love me or does he just being nice to me? He’s a reserve us army and maybe because of that. Or I notice something different to this guy that he always respect me anywhere he saw me at work. We chat for a while about myself in the past and after that he always come to me and greet me no matter what. Question: does this person love me as a friend or a lover?
My boyfriend broke up with me 4 months ago but finally came back with the help of Robinsonbuckler11@ gmail .com………
Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!!!!…….
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