Does Optimism Kill Relationships?

How does our outlook and expectation affect a relationship? In this week’s episode of LOVELife we discuss optimism and pessimism, and where a lot of people go wrong in their thinking.

See the realistic truth and allow yourself to anticipate problems before they come up.

Hope you enjoyed the video. Am I a deep-seated pessimist, or am I onto something here? Let me know what you think in the comments below!

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29 Replies to “Does Optimism Kill Relationships?”

  • Great discussion, but I’m not quite sure whether the distinction should be on optimists vs. pessimists, or on something called an entity vs. an incremental view of the world. People with an entity view tend to see the world as fixed and stable, whereas people with an incremental view tend to see the world as malleable, fluid, and changeable.
    What you call “optimists” may thus simply be people with an entity view of the world who thinks that their relationship will never change from its current state, whereas “pessimists” are simply people who are aware that things change over time and take that into consideration when assessing their relationship.
    I recommend looking at Dr. Carol Dweck’s work on implicit theories and entity vs. incremental theorists if you’d like to know more about this. :)

    1. That’s an interesting perspective! I’ve never heard of that dichotomy before, but I think it definitely plays into this discussion.

  • Realism makes sense to me its good to have a healthy caution when it comes to a relationship or when starting or doing anything. Its ok to be optimistic but with a realism attitude not just walk around with blinders on and think that everything is ok when it may not be. Relationships take work many elderly couples when asked how they lasted for so long, what they re secret is. They say it took hard work but it was worth it.

  • I lean toward the pessimism almost all of the time, and those who respond to my realism (I like that term) with platitudes and “everything is going to be okay!”s are vexing human beings. However, I think there’s a merit to optimism, and I don’t believe that being an optimist precludes one from reality.

    I’ve always thought of pessimism and negativity synonymously, and optimism and positivity synonymously, as the outlook one takes on reality–is the glass half-full or half-empty?–and these outlooks do not determine whether or someone will be proactive or lazy. There can be optimistic realists (of which, Matt, I’d say you are) and pessimistic realists. It’s the latter group for whom I’d say optimism is a great tool. Much like smiling when you’re angry or sad makes you feel happier, being optimistic has a tendency to affect the results of situations in a positive direction, or perhaps one is more willing to see the positive sides of situations, which cyclically makes life seem much rosier, leading to more positivity and optimism, etc.

    Pessimism alone results in people who remain negative despite their successes, who are in a state of constant dissatisfaction, and that is not healthy either.

    So I would argue the real danger, as you touched upon, is not optimism, but being complacent with where one is in life and where one is going.

  • Looove when you give it to us straight, Matt!!

    My mind processed everything except the idea of “bored of having sex with Matthew”… that kind of… doesn’t even compute…

    But you’re right, this is basically year 2 of our master-padawan relationship ;)

    1. By the way… I’d tell you that it would be a great idea to design a program for married couples, but I know you’re just going to say “eh, we’ll see”, so I’ll just keep the idea to myself.


  • I totally agree that being realistic is important in a relationship. Relationships take work and it’s about balancing in between complete optimism and negative pessimistic views. It’s keeping realistic expectations and knowing your worth and actually working towards your goal relationship.

  • <3<3<3:-)Dear wonderful LOVELIFE hero Matthew:-)<3<3<3

    With all my heart I thank you for everything heart-touching
    What you said today is so so so incredibly true :)
    Truth always touches my heart :)
    So I truly enjoyed listening to you :)
    Every second of the video was very looooooovely & interesting :)

    May I say:
    I agreeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)
    I loooooooooooooove to question everything I can question as human being & only if I know the answer I say Yes :)

    I don't believe everything.
    I need to see proof before I believe it :)

    Is it ROMAMCE? :)
    Where can we find the FOREVER-ROMANCE-PROOF? :)
    Does he/she have a passion for learning & growing every moment? ;)

    I believe these are some of the most important questions we need to ask ourselves before we say yes to him/her :)
    If we have all the answers we will be able to enjoy our moments of true LOVE & PEACE with him/her :)

    Enjoy all questions & may we always find all the best answers in life :)

    LOOOOOOOOOVING truth & all you said:)



    1. I don’t believe you are a pessimist. Not even 0,0000000000001 % because I cannot see any proof.
      If somebody says you are a pessimist, they need to prove it.
      I think it is impossible to prove it because you are not. I believe deep
      in your heart you are a truth-loooooooooving human being &
      that’s why you say the truth & what you say is truly heart-touching & life-saving :)
      This is why I say:
      You are a strong lovely amazing truth-loooooooooving hero :)

  • The truth is: Not every human being loooooooooves to hear the truth. Instead of learning & growing, they enjoy it more to call somebody a pessimist.

    For some people it’s easier to say sth. that is not true
    than to learn & grow with true LOVE.

    If only they knew the beauty of discovering truth & learning & growing: you feel true LOVE deep in your heart :)
    The more truth, the more LOVE & PEACE on this planet :)<3<3<3

    Hope one day they know you said the truth & that you are not a pessimist at all & visit you at your live seminars & always learn & grow :)

    1. How can we learn & grow every day in the best way?
      This is one of my favourite questions :)

      Great thanks to Matthew Hussey for this amaaaaaaaazing topic :)

      Very heart-touching & motivating :)

  • It’s true. Too many people are too optimistic about relationships. I think it’s partly due to Hollywood, romantic comedies and other movies. People has been led to believe that when they find the boyfriend/girlfriend then everything will be great from that moment. It’s customary that most films end when the couple is finally together and they are said to live “happily ever after”. It never happens in real life! Relationships require constant work. That truth is not what people want to hear. But that’s the truth. It never gets “easy” when it comes to relationships.

  • Through experience I’ve learned not to get super excited about much instead I try to have the attitude of Lets see where this adventure takes me. Don’t get me wrong I still feel let down at times BUT I try to look at the situation and ask what can I learn from this experience?
    For someone to ever think they have it made and don’t need to work is simply setting themselves up for failure or at least a major disappointment.

  • I don’t think you got the definition of optimism right. The women in your example were not being optimistic, they had false illusions, false hopes. Being optimist means choosing to see the bright side of things, but not ignoring (being aware) of the other parts as well.
    For example, I’m in a long-distance relationship and me and my boyfriend are having a hard time right now. Instead of only focusing on all our problems, I’m gonna try harder, make more time for him and try to communicate in other ways and not give up on this relationship because of that. I think, when used right, Optimism can be a beautiful thing :)

    1. I hope your beau realizes just how amazing you are for him! Good luck and much happiness for many years to come.

      Maybe Matt will do this for me too! Gotta get to one of the dates and put it on my calendar.

  • Just never take anything or any moment for granted, that’s the key (or at least one of them in my case). Thinking that way 24/7 always fuels me up to keep working on anything be it a relationship, job, friendship, ‘familyship’ and life in general.
    Great job!

  • Matt,

    Some of the best material I heard you say. It is so dead on.
    I see myself as a realist and I feel the points you made in this video have to be heard for people to make relationships work long term. I see too many people say “he is the one” so they think everything else will just magically work out. They get disillusioned when it does not. Relationships have to be worked on every day and seen in a realistic fashion.

  • I remember what you said about optimism on Friday!
    I thought about it once again ♥&♥ this is what came into my mind:
    How about relationships? Why does not everybody enjoy romance?
    Are people too optimisic…thinking everything is gonna be fine?
    How about planet earth?
    The arctic has one of the lowest volumes of ice since records began!
    Are people too optimistic…thinking everything is gonna be fine with planet earth?
    How about all poor, wounded, ill, starving, left-behind, broken hearted human beings?
    Why does not everybody help them?
    Are people too optimisic…thinking everything is gonna be fine with them?
    How about all the endangered animals?
    i.e.African penguin, Asian elephant, blue whale, Goliath frog, green sea turtle, Grevy’s zebra, hyacinth macaw, Japanese crane, Rothschild’s giraffe, snow leopard, Takhi, tiger etc.)
    Why doesn’t everybody protect them?
    Are people too optimisic…thinking everything is gonna be fine with them?
    What does optimism do to relationships and what does it do here?
    Does optimism not do the same here?
    When people are too optimisic, can they see the truth and anticipate the dangers?
    Why doesn’t everybody protect planet earth & help all those unfortunate human beings & animals & plants?
    Why doesn’t everybody visit your live-event & save their relationships?
    Are people too optimistic…
    Thinking everything is fine if it’s not?
    Thinking everything is gonna be fine if it’s not gonna be fine at all?
    If people cannot or don’t want to see the truth anymore, our planet and everybody and everything is endangered!
    May I thank you with all my heart for everything you said on Friday! It was a very very very strong message and yes, I totally agreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to what you said!
    To see the truth ♥&♥ to LOVE and to create PEACE is not only the hope for planet earth and for all human beings and animals ♥&♥ plants:::it’s the hope for relationships as well:)
    ♥God bless planet earth ♥&♥ everybody :)♥
    ♥People who called you a pessimist: hope one day they know you said the truth :) ♥&♥ visit your live-event :)
    May LOVELIFE hero Matthew Hussey save their relationships :)♥
    I wish you a truly lovely new week :)


    1. Conclusion:
      Matthew Hussey is definatly not a pessimist!
      He truly loooooooooooooooooves human beings
      and wants to help them! He can see the truth with heart! That is what I believe :)

    2. How about endangered plants?
      i.e. Akamas Centaury, Alfalfa Arborea,
      Antirrhinum subbaeticum, Bryoxiphium madeirense,
      Cornish Path Moss etc.
      Why can’t people protect them?
      Are people too optimistic…thinking everything is gonna be fine with them?

    3. How about every problem that exists on planet earth?
      Are people too optimistic…thinking Oh such problems do not exist & if they know they exist rather call people pessimistic than learning & growing & saving humankind?

    4. This topic is so so so so so so so interesting :)
      Loooooooooooooove to talk about it :)
      You are fantastic :)

  • Love, love, love this!! It takes courage to work on your relationship. Many don’t have it or they don’t think they need to make an effort long term. How did you get so smart Matt?

  • The optimism you are referring too is what I call the rainbows and fairy dust approach to life. These are the people too afraid to truly live life to the fullest. Matt, thank you for pointing out realism is a positive thing, I often get told I burst peoples bubble with realism. Success is built from failure and being prepared to take on whatever comes, easy or difficult. I am truly grateful for every failure and disaster put in my path, my life is a million percent better on the other side.

    Thanks Matt for sticking up for the realists!

  • Yes! yes!! Somebody has to tell this stuff to people in the most direct way possible. When a girl talks about this, they call her a “bad girl” (myself), when a guy talks about it, they call him a player or an a-hole. It is the plain truth people! You are gonna lose all the excitement for the person if he/she doesn’t keep it fresh. Our passion does fade away no matter how much we like the person. I don’t know any happy married couple around me. NONE! I believe it is because they have a boring life. Go to work, eat, sleep, watch tv., f*ck (always the same position or two the most) and repeat. They are not happy, they are just comfortable.

    I think the underlying problem here is “insecurity” again. Women are insecure. That is why, they don’t want to admit that their partners can lose the sexual appetite for them at some point, it would hurt their ego. Cas it is about them, not the relationship. There is a saying in Turkish for this kind of situation “Beans are good for you, but you can’t eat beans your whole life.” Personally, I don’t like my beans served on the same plate all the time. Or I may switch to macaroni and cheese. ;) It is what it is. I started writing a blog (no not about relationships, just about people in general). I am a hundred percent sure you would find it interesting. I will share it here when I feel it is ready. All the best! xxx

  • Amen! I am so glad you did a video like this! When I first read the title of the video I was a little confused. The true optimist looks at difficulty in a relationship, work, family, whatever and doesn’t blindly just say “it’s fine, it will get better!” My head hurts when I hear people in difficult situations ignoring reality and just saying “it will be fine.” How will it get better? How will it be fine? By acknowledging reality and finding ways to improve/cope with the situation. I think this helps me in my marriage. I like watching your videos, even though not all apply to me because I am married, but many of the videos offer advice applicable to those married and life in general. My husband came from a family who is wonderful, but unfortunately never really talked about difficulties or risked having difficult or awkward conversations that were, perhaps necessary. My family growing up had horrible communication as well. I studied Communication Studies in college because I knew there was a better way to communicate and I wanted hope of having a successful relationship someday. I feel that my major helped me (an yes I was able to find a job with it) and continues to help me in my marriage because even though my husband may have difficulty communicating, I can identify issues and address them so that things can be improved or adjusted as need be. I’m by no means saying my marriage is perfect or I communicate perfectly, far from it; but as you point out in the video, being able to realistically identify issues puts you on the road to being able to fix them. Thank you for your work!

  • Again, Matt you are attracting everything you are saying. Law of attraction will explain why you are experiencing everything you are. You might change your point of teaching as well. I highly recommend the law of attraction and studying the teachings of Abraham Hicks. You are exactly where I was when I discovered her/him.

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