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It Doesn’t Matter Why He’s An Asshole – Why Are You Putting Up With It?

Stephen Hussey

“I’ve been dating this guy for 6 months. He tells me loves me, but also tells his parents we’re not together, ignores me in front of his friends, and doesn’t want me to know where he lives. Why would he do that?”

I read some version of this question on a weekly basis on Matt’s Twitter account or GettheGuy Facebook page, or even in the comments of this blog.

I’ve always found myself puzzled at what exactly the questioner in these moments is trying to discover. On the one hand, they may be innocently searching for an answer to the question  “What’s going on in his head?”

Yet, I can’t help but want to respond: Does it really matter why he would treat you this badly? Isn’t the really important matter at hand why you should stand around for a second longer and put up with someone who is violating every standard of decent human behaviour?

Some readers I suppose are asking precisely in order to get a reality check on whether this sort of thing is normal guy behaviour (it’s not), or they ask the question in order to hear an answer they already know in their heart to be true: this isn’t acceptable from a man or woman and you need to seriously reevaluate whether you would allow anyone else in your life to get away with this kind of behaviour if you didn’t also happen to be romantically attracted to them.

There’s a saying which I’ve recently grown fond of: Follow your heart but take your brain with you. Or to be more accurate, listen to your emotions but bring your reason with you.

If it smells like mistreatment, if it looks secretive and shady, or if you suspect you’re allowing a a guy to get away with behaviour you would never tolerate from even your most unreliable, flakey, not-really-but-sort-of-friend: listen to your rational brain and act on it.

We spend so long figuring out the enigma of other people’s behaviour and not nearly enough time on deciding our reaction to their behaviour.

Sometimes the reasons really don’t matter. 

We don’t have to understand every facet of the human mind. If I’m with a nasty, mean, duplicitous, manipulative person, I don’t need to understand all the reasons why someone would engage in that kind of behaviour. I’ll leave the analysis to the therapists. My job is just to decide why I would allow myself to give my time and energy to that kind of person for so long.

The reasons only matter if you’re already in a relationship who is already proven to be reasonable, respectful, and loving in other kinds of ways.

For example:

– You feel that your man, although kind and honest, is over-critical of your ideas sometimes.

– You feel that your man, although loving, gets jealous on occasion whenever you go out without him.

– You feel that he cares deeply for you, but he finds hard to express intimacy and you want him to be more open.

These are all worthy times to figure out the reasons behind this behaviour and attempt to address it with your guy. I’m all for understanding in a healthy relationship. In fact, Matt and I wrote our How To Talk To Men product precisely because we were obsessed with how to create better understanding between two people when those conflicts in loving partnerships arise.

But ultimately, when you’re dealing with a guy who has been lying or violated your standards from the beginning, you really don’t need to analyze the behaviour all that much. You can spend your life trying to understand shitty people, or choose to act so that you can make immediate room for the better relationship you deserve.

I know which one makes me happier.

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Stephen Hussey helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.

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34 Replies to “It Doesn’t Matter Why He’s An Asshole – Why Are You Putting Up With It?”

  • Just came to this conclusion in a discussion with my friends today. Though I think what causes a lot of trouble like this is the fact that we want to avoid getting into this situation again. So we question behaviours and wonder if it’s just a weird logic we don’t understand or if it’s this individual’s character only. If it’s something we trigger unintendedly because it happened more often to us?

    In the end one question would definitely be worth a part two of this blog:
    – How do I EFFECTIVELY STOP myself from brooding about these behaviours ALL THE TIME?

    …it annoys me terribly! You know these people are not worth your time and energy but you’re still unable to make a clean cut and stop it once for all! You catch yourself every couple minutes/hours repeating the same cycle of thoughts over and over again though you always end up with the same results.

    Don’t you guys have some helpful advices how you can trick yourself to make it easier? Or is it really just biting one’s time, getting used to accepting that some people just suck, trying to distract oneself from these injustices until the questioning stops?

  • Great article Stephen! Eye-opener for sure. I always thought that by accepting a person’s flaws, I was loving them unconditionally. But I was only enabling them to disrespect me. This changes everything. I’ll still accept someone as is, unconditionally, but no longer will I enable bad behavior by being passive or justifying mistreatment. Love means knowing when to let go and let grow. Thanks Stephen, I’ve seen the light!!

  • Example 3.

    What’s the answer?

    Everything between me and my husband was as perfect as relationships can be all the time until 6 months ago. We have 2 beautiful children together and there has been no change in our lives.

    Up until 6 months ago I was certain of his devotion and love, but now he’s clearly experiencing some kind of internal anxiety/depression battle because he falls asleep all the time, doesn’t sleep well at night and is in a bad mood all the time. There is no intimacy anymore and I’ve really tried. He tells me he loves me but it’s at robotic times, like bed time and just before he leaves the house. When I try to bring it up he says it’s work, or the weather, or he feels sick.

    I know it’s not my job to make him happy etc. But we have such a good relationship with a long history and a lovely family, and if I knew this was a short term glitch I would just get on and wait for it to stop. But we’ve been together now for 7 years and I’ve never seen him like this.

    Since it annoys him when I bring it up, and I’m pretty sure it’s something to do with stress or depression, I just want to know how to communicate with him. I want him to know that he’s loved. And to feel safe and calm.
    I know I can’t make him happy, I just want to put some confidence back into both sides of this relationship.

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