Dear Matt,

I envy people like you so very much — people who know what they’re supposed to be doing with their lives. But, I’ve never felt a calling to do anything. Not one thing. I’ve never had that moment in my life where I’ve felt that “yes, this is what I’m supposed to do” feeling. I’ve tried before to explain to other people that not everyone feels called to do any particular thing, but people who feel that calling think I’m just too scared to follow my dream. My ex thought it meant there was something missing inside of me, that not having a purpose made me deficient or broken in some way. He’s an ex for a reason.

Anyway, I’m 44. I’m not a spring chicken. I’ve done many, many things in my life. So many things. I’m the sort of person who almost always does what it is I feel like doing. But not a single one of the things I’ve done has ever given me the feeling that I’d like to spend 40+ hours a week doing that thing for the rest of my life. I wish very much that I had a calling. I wish I felt a purpose and had a dream to follow. I imagine that following that dream must bring such an amazing sense of well-being and accomplishment and fulfillment. But I just don’t have that. I don’t imagine that I ever will. I grew up thinking that I’d find my dream, just like I grew up believing that I’d meet at least one guy and fall madly in love.

But the truth is that for many of us there is no calling. And, so far, I haven’t ever fallen madly in love. I’d think there was a link between the two except my mom never had a calling, but she did fall madly, deeply, forever in love. I don’t know. I don’t know what my point is anymore. I guess that I’d hope that anyone who does have a purpose and makes it a point to go out and try to achieve that purpose — I hope they do find moments to love and appreciate that journey because not everyone gets to experience it. And those of you who do are very, very lucky to have that.

Best,
Shannon