Today, I’m giving you 5 signs to know if the guy you’re dating is toxic…
Because look… while no one is perfect, the guy you give your time to should be a team player.
Someone who consistently cheers you on.
Someone who is invested in your happiness and your success.
You deserve nothing less.
What’s 1 Toxic Behavior You Won’t Tolerate?
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I have five ways that I’ve thought about that really indicate someone is poisonous for your life.
The first one: In an argument, they look to inflict damage, not solve problems. I always think about it like “Scorpion Mode”: You get near a scorpion, it gets afraid and it stings you. And you’ll also find, by the way, that when you’re doing something that makes them feel insecure – let’s say you’re going out in the evening and it’s something that maybe they’re not invited to, maybe this is just something you’re going to on your own – if they’re feeling insecure about it, they won’t come to you with that vulnerability. Instead, they’ll make it a fight and then go to one-upmanship or revenge. So now they’ll go out, but it will be about one-upping you, doing something that will make you even more jealous than they feel right now. Again, it’s about inflicting damage, not about solving problems.
Number two: They treat everything like it’s an attack. You may come to them in a completely civil and rational way and choose your words very carefully and say, “Listen, I just wanted to talk to you about that thing this week.” You’ll find that they will meet that with aggression. By the way, one of the common side effects of this, and you may have seen this for yourself, is you’ll find yourself now afraid to bring up problems with them. You sit there agonizing over what words to use and treading on eggshells as you say something. If you’re doing that to the extreme, it means that you don’t have a healthy relationship with constructive criticism in your relationship.
Three: They make you the root of all evil. So now, instead of admitting that something is actually their fault, that they need to change something, they’ll make you the problem. They’ll convince you that the problem is coming from you. And this is one of the really insidious parts. They can make you believe that things are your fault, that have nothing to do with you.
Number four: They’ll show you the most love when you’re hurt. One of the common patterns in toxic relationships is, that toxic person, they’ll accuse you of things, they’ll cut you, they’ll hurt you, and when you’re on your knees crying, begging, when, in that moment where you’re at your lowest ebb and they realize that they’ve been able to break you, then they’ll switch. Then they’ll show you love. And here’s why. Because at that point they feel like it’s safe to do so. Because in the moments where you’re feeling strong, they’re feeling weak.
Which brings me on to point number five: They get uncomfortable with your success. You’ll find that a toxic person will belittle your ambitions, will make you feel unworthy, even when you’re doing well. When you do do well, when you have an achievement, they won’t celebrate it with you and get excited with you, they’ll brush it off, they’ll change the subject relatively quickly, or they’ll find a problem with it. You come home saying you’ve got a promotion and they’ll say, “Well, won’t that now be a lot more work?”
So this video isn’t about coming from a high and mighty place and us looking at toxic people and saying, “There’s something wrong with you. Oh, I realized you’re the problem, not me.” It’s not that we’re perfect and they’re not. We’re not perfect. And that’s the whole point. You need to come to a relationship to meet a team player who is also imperfect, and you can help heal each other. You can’t heal each other, of course, that’s something only we ourselves can do, but we can provide an environment for our partner where it’s possible for them to heal, where it’s possible for them to become strong, to become great. Mark Twain said that the really great make you feel that you too can become great.
22 Replies to “☢️ 5 Warning Signs Your Relationship Is Toxic ☢️”
Wish I had this information 5 years ago. Was in toxic relationship for 4 years. I would walk but somehow he would reel me back in. I’m now cleaning up the mess created.
The absolute worst behavior I wouldn’t tolerate anymore was being called vile names. It tore me down…sadly over 4 yrs.
Thank you for this video!
I wanted to comment on your opinion of men love you the most when you’re the most hurt. I found in my past marriage my ex-husband would not do that. If I cried and he saw that I was hurt he would say get over it you’re so emotional, what a baby I can’t believe you’re crying why do you always cry. So I think some men do give flowers at that moment however some men take that moment as an opportunity to belittle you and hurt you even more.
Thank you for listening.
Seeing this video makes me realise that everything you say it is so true.. I am in that position now with the guy I am dating and it really hurts me, because it wasn’t like this from the start.. it became like this now. And to be honest I really don’t have the strength to break up with him or accept to do it. I feel like I put so much effort, time and most of all feelings in it. And if I leave I feel like I give up and that is one thing I never do. I want to think that maybe he will change but I really don’t know.
I don’t know what to do anymore I’m at a loss and so long gone down the line
I’ve been in a toxic relationship for two years.I have wondered what I keep doing wrong.
He has taken my confidence away, not to mention my friends. I have been so depressed to the point of not wanting to live.
Reading this today I know I must get away from him even if it means being alone forever.
Can you make a video on how we ourselves can become less toxic? Especially about being threatened by success.
My mother acted out # 4 periodically with my teenage self. I remember my father and brother being upset as she brought me to tears in the next room. Thank you Matthew. Now I see that it must have happened every time I felt strong self confidence. Your retreat returned me to that powerful place. Today I realized that this is how I lost it. I can’t thank you enough for your work. My life is constantly strengthening as I absorb your material. This was a big one.
Him trying to get closer with hidden agendas.
Great video and illustration. Your videos are a great start to the week – thank you, Matt.
Thank you for this. This is something that I will go back to at least once a week as I get out of my toxic relationship. Thank you so much for putting it on paper. When a person has been in this type of relationship, sometimes it’s hard to see something different or that there are men that don’t actually behave that way in a relationship.
Hi Matt, on reading your five signs of toxic men my dad is all of them and basically tore my life apart over my four and a half decades of life. Sadly, I have fallen for more than one loser and the last 17 months have sold my soul in a very complicated, manipulative scenario where I have ended up …as you say, mad. Ashamed, confused and very angry, hurt and I’m afraid a bit depressed as well. So, I guess I should read your emails more often Matt as I would prefer to spend my life with a genuine, beautiful partner….I just don’t know my radar is so way off.
This is so sad. The truth is that most of this describes my narcissistic, distant, emotionally unavailable mother.
Whenever I would get sick or unable to take care of our son, he would get so mad that he would just ignore me, not talk to me or care for me while I was sick. Same if I approached him with a topic I needed to discuss, he felt so attacked he just started yelling, would storm out – and again not talk to me for hours or days.
His silent treatment made me constantly walk on egg shells and made me put a lid on my thoughts and feelings – ultimately making me feel wrong all the time
Very understandable way to explain these toxic habits.
1. Punative/competitive behavior
2. Hypersensitivity to criticism and usually the inability to take accountability for one’s behavior characterized by
3. Blame shifting/Projection
4. Intermittent reinforcement, taking solace in your pain
5. Pathological jealousy.
Thank you for raising awareness about this type of behavior. Much love, xoxo
U r right on with this have had this situation for the last 2.5 years. My life has been a living hell. Nothing I do is right, not enough money for them, no sharing, everything is my fault, constantly finding fault and just makimg me feel horrible about myself. Controlling, lying to make themselves feel better and inflict hurt constantly. Great video helped me to see why this was happening.
Thank you much for this and affirming that one needs not to settle for less nor feel like they are perfect but to come together as a team, but it takes two for it to work.
Wow I thought I was crazy. I’m in therapy learning it’s not me and this video is my life. One thing didn’t fit and that was when I’m weakest he begins to be nice. He just kicks me more when I’m down. The only time he tries to be nice is when I tell him I want to be done or when he calls when he gets to work and swears he loves me and he’s gonna try harder. By the time he gets home from work he has forgotten everything he said. Any kindness lasts from 5 minutes to 3 days. Thank you for letting me know I’m not crazy.
Hey, i kinda think im in the blue situation but unsure i met this guy through pof last month & we have similar interests/hobbies so we got talking & added each other to facebook, we practically txted each other 3 times a day;for 2 weeks then he asked me out to meet him in 2 weeks ( as he is busy) i agreed but he hasn’t messaged since, i’ll admit its only been 4 days ( maybe im just being impatient) i admit i haven’t cause i really dunno what to say as i dont wanna come off to eager or aggressive or ruin it if im totally wrong any advice would be helpful
I have been in a relationship for 20 years and it was toxic he put me down he always talk bad to me it cost me and is severe depression to where I almost committed suicide three times finally I rolled a truck on purpose and tried to kill myself three years ago I wouldn’t do a severe depression in front of my two children and he left me twice and then things went on from there and I felt like I’ve never been able to return from it I’ve been severely depressed sick and I haven’t been able to look up hold my Head up some days I just don’t want to get out of bed and I have nothing to live for I’m headed another guy he’s real sweet but it’s just I don’t know I don’t know about myself anymore and I’m having a hard time look at myself in the mirror if you could help me or give me some kind of advice I’d appreciate it thank you
Yes you hit it on the nail all four points insecurities is the basil trouble scared to hear the truth lots is ego too the more we nurture them they run away or demand financial support challenging they seem to entjoy very selfish no empathy for anyone yet they love to show off with wit and charm but never from the heart all a puton takes a long time time to find out too bad. Thanks for helping us seeing the game they play it’s not us great video thanks so
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