How Being Too Formal On A Date Kills Attraction…

Who doesn’t want to be cool?

When our friend introduces us to that cute guy at the party, the one thing we want to be in that moment is cool. We want to seem relaxed, smooth, sophisticated, in control.

There’s a problem though, as trying to act cool doesn’t always mean we come across as cool.

What do we do when we try to look cool? We modify our behaviour, we try to put on a more serious face, maybe we even try to emulate that icy catwalk model stare, that look that combines effortless sophistication with smoking hot sex appeal.

Only…it doesn’t really work that way.

When we try too hard to be cool, we often end up looking stand-offish, or even overly formal (and as you’ve probably already guessed, formality can be a big attraction killer). Ironically, even though we try to make every gesture seem cool and relaxed, it can make us look rigid and stern. We try to pull off a sexy smoldering pose and end up seeming uptight, or even just moody.

Trying too hard to be cool doesn’t work. It’s one of those paradoxes: the more you think about being cool and effortless, the less cool and effortless you are.

With that in mind, there is a golden principle here that I want to share today: Being fun is sexier than being cool.

If we want to have all of those attractive traits: Sexy, engaging, magnetic, charismatic – we are much better off being entertaining and fun than being serious and cool.

What are the traits of fun and engaging people?


1) They are in touch with their feelings

When we try to be too-cool-for-school, we hide our emotions. When we are fun, we embrace them. Be excitable, show interest in others, laugh out loud at jokes – these are the kind of things that make our personality engaging.

2) They are spontaneous

Fun people aren’t obsessed with being in control. They live in the moment. When we try to be cool, we live inside of our own heads, constantly analyzing every movement and every word that comes out of our mouths. When we let go of controlling everything and worrying about other’s opinions all the time, we become much better company.

3) They are expressive

Fun people make gestures. Their attitude is infectious; you can see their body language is relaxed and engaged. They show a cheeky smile, raise their eyebrows in a cute way that makes us laugh, they have an expressive face when they tell stories. Hook people in by being expressive when you speak.

4) They talk excitedly

Fun people are optimistic, and talk excitedly about their passions. There is almost nothing more engaging than people who are passionate – it doesn’t matter if they are the least successful person in the world, if they are passionate about life and people, they are magnetic to others.

So today’s lesson is to take life (and ourselves) less seriously. The most engaging people focus on being fun rather than cool. Let yourself go and be wholly present in the moment. Do that, and you’ll be cooler than any cool person out there.


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28 Replies to “How Being Too Formal On A Date Kills Attraction…”

  • Trying to act cool might lead the other party into believing the person’s uninterested, monotonous, arrogant etc. Nonetheless, isn’t it important not to act in an overly animated fashion, so that one does not come off as childish and inexperienced?

    1. There is a fine line, a difference, between being playful and joyful, and immature and foolish; I believe wit and intelligence helps to navigate it :)

      There’s also a difference in being childlike, and finding wonder in the world and others, as opposed to childish, which is more self-centred?

      I would also be happy to be thought of as inexperienced and hopeful, rather than experienced and cynical, too. This is probably why men always think I’m 12 years younger than I am, lol!


  • This is great advice! I have actually experienced being both of these types of people. I was interested in a guy who was a bit older than me so I thought I should act more “cool” or “mature” around him. This didn’t work and I stopped trying around him and was just my self, more playful and animated. We aren’t dating or anything but he definitely is paying more attention to me now and it actually has potential to go somewhere, we talk on a regular basis and flirting is like second nature with us. when before it seemed like there was no chance of that!

  • You have to be always yourself !!! Authentic. Let yourself go in your manner, express the kind of YOUR charm. May be you mustn’t laugh out very loudly, but laugh in your way!! Have this self confidence in you, your special smile in your eyes… The only thing you have to do, is you need to adapt to Matthew’s advices but regarding your own personality, character. Then you will ‘get the guy’. Men senses quite easily un artificial behavior. They will escape…

  • I’m that kind of person who always laughs and act spontanuously but I somtimes feel I should stop because I fear people may start taking me less seriously.. Until now everything is perfect I have great friends we have so much fun together but I don’t know how wd it be with people outside that circle.. But still ppl shd enjoy being themselves no matter what or where they are :)..
    Thanks a lot Matt always bringing up great subjects to talk about!! Keep going :D xx

  • yes I do agree with all you said there Matthew….but what came to mind was one of the tiresome over enthusiastic, never stop talking bores who never let up, never listen, and laugh loudly at their own jokes and monopolise the conversation…..having said that, I’m sure you didn’t mean that! There must be a middle way. I think people acting too cool are a bit boring.

  • Be yourself!!! We are all wonderful in our own way, don’t be afraid to show that to the world.. Be fearless!!!
    Now I just have to practice what I preach ;-)

  • I think the lesson here is to just be yourself, and be present in the moment and not worry about what other people are thinking about you. It doesn’t matter, just have a good time!!

  • Being perceived as cool often intimidates guys. being in a band and modeling can often make you appear unapproachable or unreachable. Genuine beats out cool any day. It’s gotten me more places.

  • Hi Matt,

    I think you are being a bit silly. Of course its common for people to be formal on a date. Why? Because “a date” itself is a formal, created, and unnatural. It involves certain preconception among people what should of shouldn’t be done, what is allowed and what isn’t allowed. You are, by writing ideas or tips just reinforcing these preconceptions. Tell two people to go to a restaurant or wherever they should suppose to go on a date and tell them to “be natural”. Its impossible. Because the environment where they ended up and the whole concept, is not natural itself. That’s why I just don’t like this idea of “dates”. Why not just hang out??? I wanna see a guy or whoever in a normal setting, do stuff with him, go climbing, hiking, to the gym whatever. Why not?? That’s what I wanna do with a guy in everyday life! Why should we walk around with masks and reveal real us later on and waste time unnecessarily. I wanna hang out in a daily life situation and without calling it “a date”.

    That’s just my opinion, everyone likes different things and if your ideal way of spending time with a guy is going to restaurants then go ahead, do that from the beginning on…

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